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Monday, September 5, 2022

Stillness & Attention: Week 34.

Day 1: Saturday. Today is my darling friend Melissa's birthday. I sent her a pretty little Papaya card with a reasonable amount of glitter on it. She and I were best friends during much of high school and college. She's living her dream, raising three adorable children with her husband and working as a middle school librarian. 

When I woke up at 7, the boys were up, the morning routine was done, and Josh was working out. Bless him. And more good news: I met a fitness goal! Also, I'm halfway to my goal weight! It took about three and a half months to get here. I still have a long way to go, but I'm a little more confident. So I have a couple of prizes in my future, but I don't have them yet. Maybe I'll find them in Asheville. 

Oliver soon wanted to go get "cashbrowns." I wore purple athletic shorts, a purple tee with a Jane Austen quotation, purple glitter shoes, and my Ariel jacket. We went to McD and then went to get groceries. We spent a startling amount on food, and I had crossed out a lot of items I'd planned on getting. I did get ingredients for fried rice, pasta salad, and asparagus scramble--scrambled eggs with chopped asparagus and goat cheese crumbles, which Josh says he'll eat! We got more frozen fruit, strawberries and a mix of berries. I got four cups of vanilla yogurt, which I'm really going to try to start eating. We got extra shells and cheese, extra crackers, and extra breakfast sandwiches for Oliver. We also got some Nutella to see if we can tempt him with "chocolate toast." It has some iron! I got pink roses with baby's breath for the study. 

Putting away the groceries took a while. We won't go shopping again until after our trip. Josh has taken Oliver to get a haircut; he seemed eager to go. Into the Woods is today. I don't really feel like getting ready and going out, but I'm sure I'll have a wonderful time. I am caught up on reading for the magazine again. I added all of Oliver's shoes (pull-on sneakers, slippers, water shoes, and Crocs) in the next size up (mens' 8!) to Oliver's birthday wish list. Practical! 

They're already back! Oliver seems to enjoy his haircuts, like a little spa outing. 

I didn't end up doing any reading today. But it was a good day. I showered and shaved my legs (no cuts!), put on a teal cotton swing dress and white glitter shoes, put a lot of leave-in conditioner in my hair, and wore sparkly makeup: Hard Candy Frigid turquoise shadow, metallic purple eyeliner, and Fenty diamond pink glitter highlighter. I totally forgot to put on some fun jewelry, but I stuffed my wallet and phone into my green metallic theatre purse and grabbed a mask. Bruce picked me up. Normally, we'd walk over, but the weather was gloomy, and he's recovering from a jellyfish sting. 

The show was wonderful. The all-teenage cast had some great singers and actors. And they prepared for the show in three weeks! Amazing! The libretto, blocking, and complex ensemble cast are extremely challenging for any company. They left nothing out, not shying away from "Hello, Little Girl" or "Moment in the Woods" or Rapunzel's PPD. I was impressed. "Giants in the Sky," one of my favorites, did not disappoint. I plan on coming to next summer's performance, and we're going to catch at least a couple of shows next season! 

My other dresses arrived, and the smaller size fit! Short sleeves, fit and flare, just below the knee, with pockets!  It will be cute with tights and boots too, so I'll wear it all year. Maybe I'll wear it for another forty-day challenge. That's the winner. I plan on buying some other colors with points. I prepared all my other returns. Oliver gets his COVID booster shot on Monday, so we'll go to the UPS store after that. We're going to try out his hydroxyzine that morning and see what it does, if anything. Maybe it will make the shot easier. In any case, it will indicate how much the meds will help with meltdowns. 

Day 2: Sunday. I did yoga last night and listened to The Graveyard Book. I meant to read more before I went to sleep, but I did not. Instead, I slept for over eleven hours, waking up around 7:45 when Josh told me that Oliver had peed our bed. He got our sheets and blankets (as well as his own), so I have a lot of laundry to do. Josh did the morning routine with Oliver; bless him. A storm came through with thunder and lightning, delaying Josh's run. 

I had a cup of yogurt and some apple juice for breakfast. The yogurt is pretty good. I do want to start getting back in the habit of getting up earlier before school starts. In under two weeks, we'll meet Oliver's new teachers. I'm working on three loads of laundry. I did a bunch of cleaning up, mostly around my ottoman. I also made a strawberry smoothie and poured it into the new Popsicle molds. We'll see if Oliver is interested. I didn't put in much Pediasure. We've almost gone through a whole big bag of frozen strawberries. 

I fell down the stairs this morning. All the way down on my back, fast. I wasn't hurt, but I may be sore and bruised tomorrow. 

Oliver and I have done two and a half worksheets today. He doesn't seem to mind. He identified several little objects on them: ducks, dinosaurs, baseballs, trains. It amazes me that children can always identify dinosaurs and dogs though they all look so different.

The world is getting stormy again. I need to turn on the big lamp. I made fried rice with extra vegetables. I finished reading FWDGF; that's 99 books for the year! I've nearly reached my goal. I think six books a month for the rest of the year is a reasonable goal. I'd like to get to one thousand books total by my next birthday; I'm in the 930s now. 

Josh and I put on the new plastic mattress cover and remade our bed. I have a lot of laundry to put away tomorrow. Victoria is coming to pick up the four mattress protectors we no longer need, which will free up a lot of space in our linen closet. 

Day 3: Monday. Oliver peed his bed and his pillow, so I ran another load of laundry, loaded and ran the dishwasher, did some picking up, and put away three baskets of laundry. 

I got an E-mail from our property management company. It didn't acknowledge my phone call but did ask if we'd like to renew our lease and said the rent would go up an amount we can handle with Josh's raise this year. I'm enormously relieved. Josh doesn't seem particularly relieved or surprised. I feel great knowing we won't have to move Oliver, which would be a terrible adjustment for him. We won't have to search for something else decent that we can afford or have to think about moving back into an apartment. This takes a huge worry away. We have another year here, close to Josh's work and Oliver's school. 

This morning, I slept until 8:30! Amazing. Oliver slept on. I was sore from yesterday's fall down the stairs. Josh had already worked out and done Oliver's morning routine before Oliver had gone back to bed. At 9, I put on pink shorts, a green tank, and gray glitter shoes, and we woke Oliver. We gave him hydroxyzine. He stayed pretty mellow as we went to Walgreens for his COVID booster shot. He was a little wary of getting in the chair, jerked slightly, and was a little mad afterward, but it went pretty well. We got him some Doritos. When we got home, I popped out one of the Pediasure Popsicles. Oliver did a double take and asked for it. Over the next couple of hours, he ate six little pops, a smoothie's worth! I tried giving him macaroni with broccoli mixed in--nope. But he is getting a little more open to food. 

We did the rest of that worksheet today, cutting and gluing. He was able to find the right numbers. He doesn't seem to mind doing the worksheets now. I endorsed his ESA+ funds for school today. I feel really tender and protective toward him tonight. I'll feel better once we're all in the routine of school. Josh and I need the alone time, and Oliver needs the structure and the break from house and from us. But I'm not used to being away from him. 

I read a story for the magazine today and made asparagus scramble (scrambled eggs with asparagus and goat cheese). My eggs came out quite well. I also did yoga and listened to TGB. Tomorrow, I'll have Josh all day. 

Day 4: Tuesday. I just ordered a tub of kale powder. I'm going to try to sneak some into Oliver's Popsicles. Oliver did eat three of them this morning. I woke up at 7:30 today. The boys had been up since 4, so the morning routine was done. I didn't go to sleep until about 11 last night, but I feel fine, and Oliver is very energetic this morning. I got to talk to Josh a little before he left on his short run. 

My Alani energy drinks came--Berry Pop and Mimosa. I think Berry Pop is my favorite. It's also the hardest to find. We're getting Oliver back into the habit of using hand sanitizer. He'll probably use it at school, and he's not great a thorough hand washing. He remembers the hand sanitizer and rubs it in pretty well. I ordered some more so I can send it to school. I hope the teachers are kind and flexible. I hope they'll like Oliver and listen to him. I hope he'll eat more at school this year. Maybe we'll find more that he'll eat. Our two major focus points right now are the hand sanitizer and the seatbelt. 

I'm kind of getting into unicorns as I age. I saw The Unicorn Handbook for some 69% off on Amazon and ordered it as a future prize; I look forward to reading it. I know little lore. I have the Fairy Handbook, and I put the Mermaid Handbook on the wish list I made for Bruce. We're doing Christmas wish lists this year. 

Oliver was so excited to see Miss Katie at OT today. And he buckled his seatbelt for her! I just held it slack, and he did everything else! 

Day 5: Wednesday. I slept until 8:30 again! Poor Josh though--Oliver again woke up at 4! And when Oliver wakes up, he wants Josh--not me. I apologized for sleeping late, but Josh said he wanted me to. 

Josh found the Instagram account of a family with a nonverbal autistic young adult son. I saw a photo of them in an article. I'm relieved to see a family doing okay further along the journey. I ordered the dad's book to read to Josh. I have a lot to read to Josh. 

I broke the NoBuy for the second time--well, Josh and Mom say that neither instance counts. The first time was for Into the Woods, which I don't regret; that was a great show. The second time was a couple of days ago when I signed up for the remote version of a weekend writing retreat in October. The instructors include three of the writers that have influenced me most: Anne Lamott, Julia Cameron, and SARK (Bird by Bird, The Artist's Way, and The Creative Companion, etc., all books I discovered as a teenager). It was too amazing to pass up. Mom says it's professional development. In any case, I don't regret signing up. I'll have access to all the recordings, so even if Oliver keeps me busy that weekend, I can watch the sessions later while he's at school. I ordered two books by other instructors: The INFJ Writer (which I plan to read to Josh and which I also bought for Bruce--the three of us are INFJs, which supposedly is the rarest personality type: interesting) and The Creative Cure (for myself and for Bruce, for about $1 with credits). I also found three books to read (which I already own) by JC and SARK: The Vein of Gold and Succulent Wild Woman. I've read a few of Anne Lamott's other books but may try to check out more before the retreat. All the retreat really needs is Natalie Goldberg. 

Biden may make a decision about student loans today. The projected payment is less than I anticipated, so we can manage it, but I do hope we get a little more time. 

My board meeting is tomorrow, and the school's open house is just a week from tomorrow. Yesterday, I read the first two chapters of What Moves the Dead. I also read the first few poems in Postcolonial Love Poem. Both were good, and I look forward to continuing them. I've barely read to the boys this month; I've been totally out of the habit. 

Biden is forgiving $10k of student loans and extending the moratorium through the end of the year. So we do have more time. The forgiveness probably won't affect our payment since it's income-based.

I ordered big individually-wrapped blueberry muffins for Oliver's lunches. He ate them sometimes last year. I hope he'll eat them this year as they're a good 450 calories. 

Doing chores used to feel unmanageable for me, but I'm now able to do more without feeling overwhelmed. Maybe I'll be able to add to that later.

I'm floating on good news today, and Josh has tomorrow off!

Day 6: Thursday. Board meeting today and travel tomorrow. 7:19. I've been up for over two hours. The boys are still asleep. I've started posting more on Facebook about autism, I/DD, and Oliver. I want people to know about Oliver, about our lives. 

I got my prizes for reaching one of my fitness goals today: a pillow and a spiral journal with a design from A Thing Created, an artist's store I found on Etsy. The design shows a girl with pink hair in a fancy library. The pillow will replace my old worn out chair pillow, and the journal will be the one I write in next. 

Josh got up, and we did yoga together. That felt nice. He just woke Oliver for their cashbrown date as it was getting late. I had a strawberry-banana smoothie. 

I took a shower and got dressed a little early. My dress pants are too big, but the smaller sizes are still tight. Josh is out running. I'm wearing pinstripe charcoal pants, a silver-gray top, a periwinkle knit blazer, silver peacock heels, and a blue and purple pearl necklace. 

The meeting went well though we didn't do everything on the schedule and will be coming back to do a tour of one of the group homes. I ate a little macaroni and cheese and brought home some fried chicken that Oliver sampled. Josh, bless him, had cleaned the house while I was gone. I felt pretty high strung, as if I were exhausted but had had way too much caffeine, so I ended up taking a Xanax but still couldn't really read or write. So I put on my wireless headphones and watched Orphan: First Kill. I really enjoyed the original, and the prequel had a twist I didn't see coming. When the boys went to bed, I took a bath. I still need a major reset, and I hope a good night of sleep will give me that. 

Day 7: Friday. Today, I woke up at 7:23 and realized that Josh needed to get ready for work as he was working an earlier shift. I woke him up and went to the study. As Josh came down, Oliver woke up. I put him in the bath, and we said goodbye to Josh. We finished the morning routine, and I spent some time on my loveseat. I told Oliver, "Later, when Daddy gets home, we're going to drive to Marmee and Papa's house. You're going to stay there for a couple of days while Mama and Daddy go on a trip." He didn't reply but did a little smiling and jumping. 

I hauled out two suitcases and took them upstairs. I packed for Oliver and for myself and packed my backpack with plenty of books. I also packed my portable DVD player with Jane Eyre and Little Women. I sat down briefly, and Oliver said, "Go see Marmee and Papa?" Otherwise, he was patient as I got ready, Josh got home, and we loaded the car. 

We went to Arby's, which was closed. I found another along the way in Laurinburg, where we lived for less than a year. We passed both our old houses. The big one, where we found out I was pregnant, looks abandoned. The small one, where we brought Oliver home, is rundown. Oliver and I enjoyed Arby's, and later at a gas station in Wadesboro, Josh got me Dippin' Dots. I'm not counting calories on this trip. I didn't do much of anything in the car. Lately, I've been feeling the value of doing nothing, of just sitting still and thinking or just having a conversation. It's not easy for me, but I'm pursuing it more. I feel like my body and brain are asking me to slow down, and I'm trying to listen before they make me sick to get my attention. 

We visited with Mom for a little while, and Oliver seemed happy to be there. I got a little apprehensive as we left--I haven't been away from Oliver for more than a couple of hours in two months. But Mom texted me a picture of him happily eating macaroni.