A Bold Reader: Week 17.

I finished three books this past week! I read Felicity by Mary Oliver, a lovely book of poems. I'll definitely read more of her work. I also finished two books in a series focusing on Disney villains and how they became villains. I read both on my phone--Fairest of All (about the evil queen in Snow White) and The Beast Within (about the man before Belle). The second was better than the first. E-books are easy right now because Oliver loves to tear up books.

I'm adding Poor Unfortunate Soul as my current E-book and young adult pick. It's about Ursula, which I think will be fascinating. I replaced Felicity with On Beauty, poems by Jane Hirschfield. I've read so much poetry this year! Ten books so far! Poetry adds richness to daily life; I remember that from all the poetry I read in my MFA program.

I'm knee-deep in Psalms. Hope and fear alternate.

I've surpassed the total number of books I read last year. I need to read about 55 books a year to reach my goal of 1,000 total books by my 40th birthday. I hope I won't be cramming slim poetry volumes on the final night!

I Thank Myself.

I think that just as we tend to forget to thank the people who have helped us, we forget to thank ourselves.

I thank myself for

• Starting a journal in earnest when I was 15
• Writing poems and stories
• Marrying Josh
• Having Oliver
• Nursing Oliver for 13 months
• Applying to Queens University's MFA program
• Asking Alan Michael Parker to be my thesis advisor
• Forgiving as much as I can
• Forgiving myself as much as I can
• Learning to type (Mavis Beacon!)
• Working hard in school
• Making friends with Melissa
• Asking Bruce to carpool to work
• Watching so many movies
• Collecting pens and journals, so I always have a selection on hand
• Opening my heart--every time I've done it
• Going to therapy
• Going to a psychiatrist
• Setting up everything Oliver needs
• Being brave

What's in My Purse.

I have a beautiful blue, white, and silver purse with art inspired by the live-action Cinderella. I love its pink lining. It's incredibly roomy, so it doubles as a bag for Oliver. Here's what's inside:

• Oliver's jeans, T-shirt, underwear, and Pull-Ups
• My cream and green wallet with a pattern of keys (and a silver and purple key from a wallet Mom gave me many years ago--Josh moves the charm whenever I get a new wallet)
• My albuterol inhaler
• Red lip stain--the brand name has worn off
• A sample of Clinique's Almost Lipstick in Pink Honey
• Liplicious Mint Glass gloss from Bath and Body Works
• Water bottle
• Tiny flashlight
• Vaseline Intensive Care hand cream
• A Mary Engelbreit notepad for lists
• Halls cough drops
• Icebreakers sugar-free cinnamon mints
• Revlon Photoready translucent powder
• Navy hair tie
• Fresh Sugar mini Rose lip treatment
• Tiny Lollia hand cream in Wish
• Pacifica roll-on perfume in French Lilac

32 Things.

In the musical On Your Feet, a young Gloria Estefan speaks to her mother, who says, "You're 19; you know 19 things. I'm 48, so I know 48 things." I wonder if I know 32 things. I just had to confirm my age, so maybe not. What have I learned?

1. Reading expands and sharpens the mind.
2. Writing can heal.
3. God is real and attentive.
4. Faith is enough.
5. Jesus is redemption.
6. God loves everyone.
7. Mental illness is real.
8. I'm not as smart as I thought I was.
9. I was a good teacher.
10. Autism is an astounding struggle.
11. Occupational therapy can be highly effective.
12. Almost everyone could probably use some therapy.
13. To-do and goal lists are essential.
14. Avocado and asparagus are strangely delicious.
15. Education is worth it.
16. I have a few people who will pick me up no matter what.
17. Stepparents can be awesome.
18. Books make a home.
19. Josh and I were meant to be together--but that doesn't mean we can't screw it up.
20. No one can defeat mental illness by willpower alone.
21. Parenting is really hard--with moments that glimmer.
22. Comedy is vital to sanity.
23. Sharing comedy is a great joy.
24. I'm going to meet my reading goal this year!
25. Musicals can shine up the soul.
26. Journaling is more than worth the effort.
27. Movies can open the mind and reinforce relationships.
28. My mom would defend me fiercely. 
29. Everyone needs expression through some form of art.
30. People need various arts in their daily lives--music in the car, a book of paintings after dinner, a novel before bed...
31. Poetry is a soul language.
32. Love should be the focus. 

Restoration: Week 16.

I finished two books last week, so the restoration of my reading continues. Bruce and I finished another book together, something that has always restored and built up our friendship.

Bruce also took me to see I Feel Pretty. It was funny and sweet; we both really liked it. Going to the theater now and then restores my love of movies.

I'm still listening to The Greatest Showman in the mornings. It helps to restore my serenity and somehow, my energy too. Sometimes, Oliver will dance with me to "This Is Me."

Oliver allowed me to hug and kiss him in a burst a couple of days ago. Showing affection for others can be so restorative.

I began a YA fantasy novel. Reading fantasy restores my joy and wonder.

I know that my mind and heart need further restoration. I try to work on that each day, even in little ways like reading a few extra poems, putting on blush, or kissing my husband. I'll be working on this all year.

A Bold Reader: Week 16.

I finished two books this past week! Dress Shop of Dreams was sweet and fun--light with a ribbon-tied ending. I enjoyed the magic realism. I need to read more MR. 10th of December was for my tiny book club (Bruce and me). This one was my pick because I loved one of George Saunders's stories in Best American Short Stories. He's amazing at blowing open all the quirks and absurdities of a character's mind.

I'm behind on my Bible. I'll make a good habit eventually! It is important to me.

I've still been reading poetry in the tub. Felicity is my second Mary Oliver book (the first was Dream Works), and I think she's becoming one of my favorite poets. I couldn't find any more cheap copies of her books. I'll have to wait and request them for my birthday (which isn't so very far away). But I'll ask Josh to check his college's library.

I've started a YA ebook, Fairest of All, which is about the queen from Snow White. I can always use more fairy tales. And they are not so hard to find.

Skills I Wish I Had.

• Giving myself a good manicure. I make such a mess.
• Cooking in general.
• Swimming like a pro.
• Connecting to kids with autism.
• Disciplining kids with autism appropriately.
• Singing well in various styles.
• Tap dancing.
• Making my own clothes.
• Playing the piano.
• Reading more quickly but still deeply.
• Maintaining good connections with people.
• Applying makeup like a pro.
• Spotting lies easily.
• Playing basketball (for Josh's sake).
• Writing a novel.
• Dyeing my hair by myself.
• Sewing doll clothes.
• Having better time management.
• Gardening.
• Knowing the names of trees and flowers.
• Drawing.
• Making paper dolls.
• Baking. Blondies!
• Staying fit.
• Making others feel special.

About Purses.

I have a small, silky black purse with a gold clasp and a gold chain. It belonged to Mimi, my great grandmother. I wonder where she went with it.

I've had so many pretty and fun purses. Here are some little memories:

One Easter when I was 11 or 12, my mom gave me something like a grown-up Easter basket. I remember a lavender velvet top, Clinique Almost Lipstick in Almost Kissed, and a shiny ivory purse. It's one of my favorite memories.

I vaguely remember a small fold-over purse that was a party favor from my friend Tracy's birthday party. She had the best party favors.

Before taking me to Europe when I was 13, my Nanna and Grandpa bought me a "passport purse," blue velvet drawstring style with blue roses. I took it to a show recently.

My darling friend Melissa once gave me a beautiful black and white Audrey Hepburn purse with rhinestone details and red lining. I used it until I wore it out.

As a teenager, I bought Disney purses at Wal-Mart. I found Aurora and several Cinderellas. I still have one with pale blue sequins.

At Bath and Body Works one winter, I bought a beautiful purse of green velvet and silk. Most years, I wear it just around Christmas. I want it to last.

When I was at Disney World for my honeymoon, I found an adorable bright pink mini messenger bag with Tinkerbell, glitter, and beads. I bought it and used it until I wore it out.

Now, I use a LeSportSac tote with silver straps, pink lining, and lovely art work from the live-action Cinderella. It was a birthday gift from Mom and Shane a couple of years ago. It's stuffed.

It's always interesting to know what's in someone's purse or bag--what does the person consider a necessity? How much of a girl's personality is revealed through the objects she always keeps near her?

Restoration: Week 15.

Scripture, fiction, and poetry have built me up this past week. I don't feel as if I read enough, but I did finish two books. My spring young adult lit focus is in progress.

I got to watch a good movie and some good TV. Bruce took me to see The Quiet Place, which we both liked. My tolerance for scary movies and TV has grown considerably. More to enjoy! The Good Doctor wasn't on last week, so we watched Saturday Night Live, Electric Dreams, and Lore. So fun. Leslie Jones restores me by making me laugh hard. The science fiction and folklore awaken and restore creativity and curiosity in me.

I've been listening to Phantom in the car again. It restores my sense of wonder and my memory for what delights (last year's word!) me or speaks to me deeply. I share the music with Oliver when I drive him around. He seems to listen. That seems to restore or even build a new kind of connection between us.

I painted my nails, and I woke makeup almost every day this past week. I hate painting my nails, but I love the surprise of color on my hands. I want to restore my interest in beauty.

What can I restore this coming week?

A Bold Reader: Week 15.

I finished two books this past week! I finished An Ordinary Day by ue Di. And I finished Stealing Snow, my first YA novel of the year and of the season's focus. It's the first book in a series, so the end wasn't very satisfying. But I don't think I liked the book enough to read the whole series.

I'm replacing An Ordinary Day with Mary Oliver's Felicity--more poems to read in the tub. I'm replacing Stealing Snow with The Darkest Part of the Forest by Holly Bloack--a former library book I found in the free bin at 2nd and Charles. What luck! I already like her.

I'm still reading other books bit by bit--The Broken Way, 'Salem's Lot, French Women Don't Get Fat, Uniquely Human. Bruce and I will finish Tenth of December this week--only 3 stories left! I'm behind on the Bible, but I'm not giving up. I've also been reading a ebook, Dress Shop of Dreams. It's fluffy, but I love the magic realism. I may finish the book on the treadmill this week.

Books literally surround me right now, and I'm happy.

Beauty Favorites.

In case you haven't noticed, I love makeup. It started as a way to cover up what I did not like about myself, but it's become a creative joy. So here are some of my favorite products:

• Revlon Color Stay foundation in Ivory. This has been the only product I've found that really matches my face. I've been  using it for about 20 years! Mom used to wear it in one shade darker.
• Too Faced Candlelight highlighter. When I have time, I put this on high points or all over my face. I love the shimmer.
• Urban Decay body glitter in marshmallow. I need to wear this more often. I love the scent.
• Too Faced Glitter Bomb eyeshadow palette. Josh bought this for me for our anniversary. The shimmer is amazing, and I love the bright colors, mostly pinks and purples.
• Stila In the Moment eyeshadow palette. It's full of purples and a few neutrals. It has plenty of shimmer, and I don't tire of it.
• Disney/Sephora Cinderella eye shadow palette. The packaging is gorgeous. The palette is full of glitter with neutrals and blues. I nearly passed out when I saw it at Sephora. I love the Ariel palette too. I wish the partnership had continued.
• My Starlooks liquid eyeliner with star stamp. I'm not good at applying liquid liner, but I love putting a little star near the corner of my eye.
• Julep When Pencil Met Gel eyeliner in Forest Green Shimmer, Ultra Violet, and Galaxy Black Shimmer (with purple glitter). These are some of the best liners I've ever used. They go on so easily, and they stay. 
• Urban Decay Vice Lipstick in Wrath. This bright, metallic red is perfect for an edgy Snow White.
• Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment in Rose--a soft, sheer red that is the best tinted lip balm I've encountered. I want all the colors!
• My shimmer cream and lavender Snow White and the Huntsman makeup bag from a set Dad gave me.

Woman.

The term woman slides right off me and leaves behind a girl.

I've never really felt like a woman, not even when I got married, not even when I was giving birth. The word sounds like a tribe I don't want to join. Maybe I'm a Wendy, delaying her return from Neverland and her vacating the nursery. But will I change much? I don't feel immature, but maybe I am. If I asked my mother, she would tell me the truth.

I don't feel as if I'm in my 30s. I still marvel at the fact that I have to buy butter and tin foil. I'm amazed that I'm someone's mother. While I've accepted most aspects of being an adult, I still look in the mirror and see a girl.

I know I am often self-absorbed (my 10th grade English teacher kindly called me introspective). I feel the need to examine, prune, and nourish myself. I know I'm different, and I know the work is and will be difficult. Can a girl manage that? I think so.

On Autism.

From the start, I wanted this blog to be full of joy---tiny shimmers or crackling fire crackers. But I have some major challenges in my life, and I need to write about those too sometimes.

Before Oliver was born, all I knew about autism was in a Toni Braxton commercial in which she talked about her son. I saw it in the OB's office. My best friend Melissa was a special education major and worked with kids with disabilities. Still, autism was not on my list of worries.

At three, Oliver started flapping his hands. He looked happy, and being clueless, we just said, "Flap your wings!" My mom said she noticed some delays. We wanted to wait until he was four--see if he caught up.

He didn't. We got the diagnosis, and meanwhile, so much of daily life got more difficult. We struggled to get Oliver to eat (he was tiny from birth), and we couldn't potty train him. He echoed us and he favorite shows. His rare eye contact, when it came, felt like he was blessing us. We got him into pre-K for kids with autism. My mother visited to help and to back me up in meetings. We got him into occupational and speech therapy and eventually into ABA. We got him a neurologist and a psychiatrist.

We've done, it seems, everything.

Now, I see kids at the playground or at school, and if I had any tears left, I would cry. My throat tenses, and my face burns. These children make friends and play games. These kids talk to each other. I can't have a conversation with my son. We're at a loss when he misbehaves because he doesn't understand cause and consequence.

We go day by day. He shreds our books and mail. Our walls are bare because he kept pulling down our pictures. He seems so far away even as he's a huge presence. I don't know how to be a good mother to him. I don't know how to guide him.

Yes, I could cry for hours, days.

But then, I turn on a song, and he dances beside me, every limb free, face alight. I hope he understands when I tell him I love him.

Restoration: Week 14.

This past week was spring break for both of my boys, so we spend a lot of time together. Oliver started asking us to read to him again (he hasn't let us read to him for months). He and I danced to songs from The Greatest Showman. I 'd love to put Oliver in some kind of dance class eventually. I want to give him as many coping methods and as many joys as possible--dance, theatre, music, books. Josh can also offer sports, science, philosophy.

I read a lot of fantasy this past week. YA fantasy seems to restore some parts of me--imagination, thrill. It's been lighting a little spark of wanting to write fiction.

I worked on my blog, and that helps me connect parts of myself and express myself in ways I usually wouldn't. I think it also restores readers' sense of connection to me.

Bruce and I went to see The Color Purple musical. It wasn't nearly as rough as I expected; Bruce said it toned down a lot of the book. The talent was impressive. Bruce and I sang show tunes all the way home. Joy.

A Bold Reader: Week 14.

I finished Thrall, poems by Natasha Tretheway, this past week. I didn't expect to like it much, but I definitely want to read more of her work. She served as U.S. Poet Laureate and won a Pulitzer.

I've also been reading Kelle Groom's Five Kingdoms. It's the second book of hers that I've picked up. And I'm reading Rita Dove's Selected Poems and Ordinary Day, a chapbook by Xue Di. I'm getting better at reading aloud.

I've read a couple of George Saunders's stories, but I've mainly focused on the young adult fantasy novel Stealing Snow. I'll finish it this week.

I've set other books aside, and I'm somewhat behind on the Bible. I'll work on all that this coming week. 

I've had the thought of setting and reaching one major literary goal each year. This year, it's reading the whole Bible. Next year's may be joining National Novel Writing Month in November. Other annual goals could be to read all the works of a writer...C. S. Lewis maybe. Or Alice Munro. Something bold.

Fantasy Dwelling.

I would live in an invisible home high in the trees. Each room would have at least one wall of windows. Little staircases would lead to various rooms, a few steps here and there.  The floors would be pale wood.

The bed Josh and I have now would have sheer pink draperies. Josh and I would each have a dressing room off the bedroom. Mine would have ample hanger room, shelves for shoes, drawers for tights and scarves, plenty of room for my cardigans, and pretty hooks and displays for my jewelry. My denim chaise would be in the center of the small room.

We'd have a large study with white built-in shelves and cabinets. Josh's desk and my desk would be there along with a large white table for projects. We'd be able to find there any book we wanted.

Oliver's room would have Thomas and Grover décor, and below the house, we'd have a large yard. It would have a tall white wooden fence covered with yellow jasmine and purple clematis. Oliver could run amid year-round wild violets.  Wisteria would always drape the house.

Of course, we'd have a small skating rink and a heated pool with a deep section for treading water. We'd take sunshine naps in a room full of blankets and pillows.  

On Ballet.

I like the word sugarplum. I love the sound and the images it conjures. I'd like to see The Nutcracker this year. I want to fill my head with those costumes and with that pretend snow. Ribbons, lace, satin-shine, tulle, glitter, ringlets. I would probably be one of the snowflakes. One of my closest childhood friends, Tracy, is a ballerina, and I got to see her in the show. Was she one of the girls at the party? I don't remember, but I was fascinated--craving performance myself at the time.

In my last semester of undergrad, my counselor told me I couldn't take any more English classes. So I took two beginner dance classes, modern and ballet. I was not good at ballet (despite a few good years of competitive Irish step dancing), but I enjoyed the feel of it. I pinned my hair up high, and I tried.

One of the first big shows Bruce and I saw together was a wild reimagining of the Sleeping Beauty ballet. The music was familiar since Disney used it. We saw black feather wings and some incarnations of vampires.

I'd like to see more ballet. I'm so amazed at what people can teach the body to do.

Restoration: Week 13.

Even though I didn't finish any books this past week, I did catch up with my Bible, and I made progress reading poetry.

Josh watched Trainwreck with me! Josh doesn't really like movies, so this was special. It's one of my favorite movies, and I loved watching Josh laugh.

And Bruce took me to see The Greatest Showman! It was wonderful. The songs seemed to click right into waiting compartments in my brain. I plan to listen to them often, letting them restore me in ways I may not understand.

Another day, Bruce and I watched some of our current favorite shows: The Good Doctor, Electric Dreams, and Lore. I'm ready to keep going! The shows are certainly restoring my curiosity and imagination. And the shows build up my friendship with Bruce.

And we will see The Color Purple on Saturday. I haven't read the book, so it will be all new to me. Going to the theatre always restores me---with joy, with empathy, with thrill, with curiosity, with understanding, and with celebration.

A Bold Reader: Week 13.

Alas, I didn't finish any books this past week. But I continued reading poetry, and I've caught up on reading my Bible. I need to restore my confidence as a reader. It has been building up slowly. The Bible is not an easy read, and neither is poetry. But I've not given up.

Bruce and I liked the first two stories in George Saunders's The Tenth of December. Short stories are little adventures.

I got some advice on Stephen King horror, so I've begun 'Salem's Lot. I don't know what to expect.

And for my young adult focus for spring, I've begun Stealing Snow, a retelling of "The Snow Queen." I like it so far. Oliver tore a lot of the pages (he's obsessed with tearing paper right now). I taped what I could, and I hope I'll be able to figure out the rest.

So this coming week, I want to keep up with my Bible day by day instead of in marathons. I want to start another YA book and finish Stealing Snow. I'd also like to finish Thrall, poems by Natasha Tretheway. I can do it.

Some Stuff That Simply Makes Me Happy.

• Cold water in a big bottle
• Videos of baby pygmy goats
• The movie Trainwreck
• The movie Orange County
• Bill Hader
• Leslie Jones
• Singing to the '90s station in the car with Bruce
• A package or letter in the mail
• Dancing with Mom and James
• Cherry Coke at night
• Pretty postage designs
• Josh's shaven chin
• Oliver's scooting his chair up to the table at school
• Finding out someone reads my blog
• Swimming in Lake Norman
• Treading deep water
• The way Mom wraps a gift for me
• Psychological thrillers
• A younger Robert Downey, Jr.
• Josh's presence
• Dancing with Oliver
• Our matching gray and green lamps, except the pink one on my nightstand
• Bible-safe gel highlighters
• Almond and dark chocolate coconut Greek yogurt
• The moments before a show begins