(Nearly) Impossible Wishes.

None of these would require money or major effort from me!

• I wish I could see new colors.
• I wish I could be an attentive and totally balanced mother, knowing how to act and respond to shape Oliver and make him feel loved.
• I wish I could have two sugar gliders and that someone else would take care of them.
• I wish I could have seahorses and a trained professional to care for them.
• I wish for an aquarium in my city.
• I wish I could play a small role in a touring show, just to experience the performance and travel.
• I wish I could play Phantom.
• I wish I could play instruments: piano, bass guitar, clarinet, drums.
• I wish I could be fluent in French and Italian.
• I wish I had a private, close-by place to swim in deep water.
• I wish I could sing, really sing.
• I wish I could lead an '80s tribute band. 
• I wish I had loosely curling hair.
• I wish Josh could go to the moon and return safely and quickly.
• I wish I had free access to every movie ever.
• I wish I were a brilliant cook.
• I wish I could draw well.
• I wish I could try Irish step dancing again.
• I wish I could read quickly but still retain and connect with what I'm reading.
• I wish Oliver could reach a typical stage of development. 
• I wish someone else would be in charge of painting my nails.
• I wish my whole house smelled like lilacs or cinnamon, depending on the seasons.
• I wish I could French braid my hair and do any other hairstyle.
• I wish I were a prolific product writer: stories, poems, a novel, a memoir, essays...
• I wish I had a safe place for my journals.
• I wish I had a small, tailored summer wardrobe.
• I wish I were more comfortable around people.
• I wish I could find the perfect church for me.
• I wish I had a self-driving car.
• I wish I could get a weekly massage.
• I wish my skin were clear and smooth.
• I wish I had fairy lights in my bedroom.

My Favorite Movies.

These are some of my favorite movies in no particular order. They charm, captivate, thrill, comfort, and unsettle me.

• Jane Eyre with Ruth Wilson
• Animated Cinderella
• Sense and Sensibility with Emma Thompson
• The Phantom of the Opera at the Royal Albert Hall
• Live-action Cinderella
• Live-action Beauty and the Beast
• Lady in the Water
• Heart and Souls
• Stealing Beauty
• Orange County
• Peter Pan with Jeremy Sumpter
• Michael Crawford in Concert
• Much Ado about Nothing with Emma Thompson
• Romeo and Juliet with Claire Danes
• Lady Jane
• Little Women
• My Fair Lady
• I Capture the Castle
• Gigi
• Hello, Dolly!
• A Little Princess with Liesel Pritzker
• Passengers 

These last two are the only ones I don't own! 

Restoration: Week 25.

This past week, I got to see two movies, one at Bruce's and one at the IMAX: Jurassic World and JW Fallen Kingdom. They were intense and fun. I remember seeing the first movie in the theater with my dad. I'm glad I've been able to see movies; they recharge me. And Bruce and I can put away a lot of popcorn.

Bruce and I gave each other bath products for our birthdays, so I've been having some restorative soaks. Bruce also gave me a lilac Wallflower--the remembered my saying that I'd fallen for the scent. I put the Wallflower in the bathroom, but I can smell lilacs at the front door. It's one of Mom's favorite scents, so it makes me think of her. And how did I take so long to discover the fragrance? It makes me feel calm and mindful.

I painted my nails. I hate doing it, but I like the result. I've used some eye makeup I've neglected lately. This past week, I've had sweet moments of feeling pretty.

I had to switch therapists, so I had my first appointment with the new one on Tuesday. I hope that proves to be restorative.

I did write one poem this past week! That suggests I'm at least a little restored.

A Bold Reader: Week 25.

I've continued to struggle with reading. But I did finish Kelle Groom's Luckily poems. I've read all 3 of Kelle Groom's books of poetry! I plan to read her memoir in the fall.

One of my 40 before 40 goals is to read a total of 50 books of poetry during my 30s. Just this year so far, I've read 16!

I'm starting to feel the flow of contemporary poetry again as I did when I was working on my MFA: 21-23, gobbling my way through the library's poetry section. I was learning a new language that I had only encountered before; I tried to create immersion. I'm surprised that reading all this poetry has not pushed me to write more of my own poetry. Not yet anyway.

I've been wanting to read more Shirley Jackson. Josh got The Haunting of Hill House from his school library. It's a huge yellow book covered with red tape. That library only had the book in large print! It's like reading my first "chapter book." But it's certainly grabbing my attention though nothing has really happened yet.

Bruce and I are making slow but steady progress through Le Guin's story collection.

It's officially summer! Short story time. I'd like to read a story each day of summer--90+ stories! I need to find some good flash fiction!

10 Questions.

I think asking questions is an act of love. That curiosity and engagement are wonderful for the one asking and the one answering. We learn each other. But I also think that asking ourselves questions is healthy and illuminating. That's what prompts and guided journals are for, but sometimes the asking is just as important as the answer. A few days ago, I wrote a quick list of ten questions I pulled from the attic of my mind.

1. Will something interesting or important arrive in the mail today? I love mail!
2. Why am I always so sleepy?
3. Will I ever lose enough weight?
4. What are my boys doing right now?
5. Is this about as stable as I will get?
6. How long will we live here?
7. How can we communicate with Oliver?
8. What should I do with all of Oliver's school work?
9. What would handwriting analysis tell me?
10. Why does ancient Egypt interest me?

Appreciating Some Favorites.

• AAA batteries. They're just cute.
• Large Smart Water bottles (though I usually drink tap)
• Shoes that sparkle
• Making lists
• Pens with lots of cushion
• Josh's drawings
• Glitter on my hands
• Prisma Color pencils
• Mom's drawings
• A new page
• Seeing a bit of glitter on someone I love
• The idea of light pink gloves with embroidery
• Rhinestone earrings
• Prizes (translates as small surprise gifts without an occasion, such as a sheet of star stickers on a Tuesday) from Mom
• Talking to Dad about avocados
• Giving people makeup
• Letting nice thoughts come out--compliments, encouragement
• A new release bay at a library
• Remembering working at Borders--I block out the bummers.
• Getting praise about something that shouldn't have been so hard but was
• Buying just one or two pens, new shades
• Looking back at my gift notebook: who gave me what and when and what I need to be using
• My fluid purple glitter and hearts phone case
• Getting a perfectly ripe avocado
• An orange someone else peeled for me
• A real E-mail. From a person.
• Wearing eyeliner that's too light
• A massage I didn't request
• Eye contact from Josh

Story Snippet: Masquerade.

Oliver and I were picking Josh up from work, and I had the Phantom soundtrack playing. Oliver usually listens quietly to music in the car. Josh opened the door and said hi to Oliver. Oliver answered, "Mackerade!"

Such a moment of joy! I felt that I was doing something right. He will know the joy of musical theatre. That's something I can give him. I want to give him the coping strategies I've learned and the joys that can penetrate darkness.

Restoration: Week 24.

Last Friday was my birthday. Since gifts are my love language, I usually feel well-loved and restored around my birthday and Christmas. I feel seen, appreciation, and cherished. Josh has Fridays off this summer, so we were together.

I hadn't watched a movie by myself in a long time, so I rented Mary Shelley. I like Elle Fanning. The movie was mostly sad. Still, movies almost always have a restorative effect on me. They seem to light up new parts of my mind.

Bruce's birthday was on Sunday, so we celebrated on Saturday. He made a massive chocolate cake. We bought each other exactly the same two presents--two specific bath gels. Crazy. He remembered my saying that I've been loving lilac scent (Mom's favorite) lately. He gave me a lilac candle and lilac Wallflowers. And he found a Lisa Frank journal!

My favorite gifts from Josh were two journals--Ariel and Cinderella--in a Mary Blair-ish style. My favorite from Mom and Shane is a set of colorful mermaid-tail makeup brushes--so fun. Dad gave me birthday money; I used some of it to buy story collections for my summer reading.

I feel I have a real chance for serenity and contentment.

A Bold Reader: Week 24.

I've been struggling to read lately. I did finish Mary Oliver's American Primitive this past week. I intend to read more of her work. I'm glad I've read so much poetry so far this year. According to GoodReads, I'm still 12 books ahead of schedule for my 2018 goal. So I have some room to get better.

I began reading Just Like a Person without a Mental Illness Only More So (I think I've got that right!) as an E-book. Mom recommended it to me. I like the tone so far.

Summer is almost here! I probably won't finished another YA book before spring begins, but I did read 5, which is my goal. Now, I have several books of short stories waiting for me and my summer focus. I had some, and I bought some more with birthday money from Dad. I'm also in the middle of The Unreal and the Real, Ursula K. Le Guin's story collection, with Bruce. I think short stories are an acquired taste, but I've come to love them. And I'm seeing more and more published collections!

This week, I'll work more on being a bold reader.

Story Snippet: A Lipstick and a Journal.

I breezed into Ulta, a bright and happy place to be. This may have been last October. I had the money (for that moment) to buy a lipstick I'd been wanting: Urban Decay's Lovelight. It was a lovely, shimmering pink.

As I walked to checkout, I noticed a pink display with a stack of journals. I picked one up soft, hot pink, and engraved with Beauty Notes. $5!

When I was in line, I looked down at one lipstick and one journal. That seemed to sum me up pretty well.

Last Day of 32.

My year was a full one. I read 47 books, including plenty of poetry. I managed to swim back toward reading despite cognitive challenges.

I think I've gotten close to both my parents and stepparents. We're all patched together, and it's enough to warm me.

I (Mom) dyed my hair black again, and I grew it out. I love it--I put on red lipstick and feel like Snow White.

I've danced so much with Oliver.

I'm on a different mix of medications right now, and they seem to be working.

I've kept up with my blog--4 or 5 posts a week.

I've experimented with makeup, playing with products I've never really used, such as lip liner, blush, and highlighters. My makeup bag is an arsenal of happiness!

I've fallen for avocados. I eat them every week.

I've worked toward an acceptance of my body and how it has changed.

I've paid down debt.

I've gotten through more trauma.

I've seen so many gorgeous shows, and I saw Phantom from the front row! I'll never forget the wonder of that.

I'm satisfied with this year and eager to start a new one.

My Weaknesses.

I have trouble resisting the following:

• Pretty pens
• Gel eyeliner pencils
• Avocados
• Mom's crab dip 
• Anything with mermaids
• Valentine's Day décor
• Lilac scent
• Cinnamon scent
• Vanilla scent
• Mini soda cans
• Getting mail
• Madame Alexander dolls, especially the elegant 10-inch dolls
• High-quality journals such as Peter Pauper Press 
• Magic realism
• Ducklings
• Saving instead of enjoying
• Cute stickers
• Fireside naps
• Sunshine naps
• Love notes
• Chandelier earrings
• Anything that sparkles
• Carrabba's Chocolate Dream cake
• Apple juice
• Vanilla Dippin' Dots with cookie dough
• Fairy tales

Restoration: Week 23.

This past weekend, the boys and I went to Charlotte because my brother was getting baptized. I cried during the baptism, and my dad came over and held me. That was a restorative moment. And I'm happy James experienced restoration too.

I had some good talking time with Mom, which always restores me. Shane brought home a cheesecake to celebrate my upcoming birthday. We had burgers on Saturday night, and Mom had even sliced up some avocado! And Mom gave me some sweet birthday presents: a beautiful Bella Pilar journal, a lovely large mermaid pouch, antique key stickers, sparkly pencils, and a huge set of mermaid tail makeup brushes! Gifts always restore me and the relationship. I feel loved every time I use a gift.

I was happy that we were all there together for James. That felt like restoration too--a kind of family I can accept and appreciate.

Other Reading Seasons.

Currently, I have my literary seasons lined up like this:

Spring: Young adult literature
Summer: Short stories
Fall: Diaries and memoirs
Winter: Children's literature

I'll probably stay with this plan, but I have other ideas for future seasons or months:

• Pulitzer Prize winners
• horror
• general fantasy--fairies, mermaids
• fairy tales (of any culture)
• books on writing
• books about artists
• books about musical theatre
• books about bipolar disorder
• books about autism
• science fiction
• movie tie-ins
• Newberry Award winners
• biographies
• humor
• Christian lifestyle
• food books

I can plan each year as I wish. I'm still trying to work in as many of these as I can. I don't want to lose sight of any of these genres. 

The Story of Brr Brr.

Some of you have seen photos over the years of Oliver clutching a Beanie Baby English bull dog. This is how that began.

One day, when Oliver was about a year old, he and Josh were walking out of our apartment building. They met neighbors who had an English bull dog puppy. Oliver, not yet afraid of animals, loved the puppy.

Later, Josh told me about this. Remembering a tub of Beanie Babies (too cute to throw away) I had, I said, "I think I may have that kind of dog. And I did ("Wrinkles"). I dug through the tub and found the puppy. I gave it to Oliver, and it was love at first sight. We're pretty sure he recognized the dog. He held his new puppy and even lay down with it, holding it up for a better look. This was his first interesting in an object attachment.

I started playing with Oliver and his puppy, making Blue's Clues sounds. Eventually, Oliver started imitating me when he wanted his puppy. The "brr brr" sound became the puppy's name.

Oliver was in love. When he went to sleep on his stomach, he would grab Brr Brr and pull him under his chest. Brr Brr was with us for car trips, doctor visits, and sick days. When Oliver lost Brr Brr in the night (often lying on him), we would hear, "Brr Brr?" on the monitor.

Though the intensity of the relationship has calmed down, Oliver still seems to love Brr Brr. And when he sees a photo of an English bull dog, he identifies it as Brr Brr.

Uses for Pouches.

I love little bags--makeup, pencil, and so on. But I have a lot of them. I subscribed to ipsy, a program that mails 5 good-sized, personalized beauty samples each month plus a mini makeup bag, all for $10 a month. Some I love, and some I don't like. I want to find uses for all of them. Here are some ideas:

• Storage for certain makeup items. I keep my major-glitter items (loose glitter, glitter roll-ons, and such) in an animated Cinderella pouch that I bought as a teenager. I don't have to dig in my main bag for my crazy glitter.
• Storage for sticky notes. A pink and black ipsy bag holds my sticky flags (especially character flags) and other sizes of sticky notes. They don't get lost and warped in the bottom of a big bag.
• Storage for current pens. Depending on the design of my current journal, I use certain colors of pens. I gather up all my pens in those colors. Right now, a silver, glittered pouch with mint blue lining (that was a win, ipsy!) holds pink and green pens.
• Storage for basic pens. I have a pink suede and black lace (ipsy!) pouch dedicated to black- or blue-ink basic pens. I use black pens for lists and prompt responses in my journal, so I can find what I need easily.
• Sensory distraction kits. One little purse my Mom crocheted for me and a purple-silver pouch she gave me hold items that can help me in a crisis: beauty, sparks for the senses, and reminders. I'll write more about these soon. I love the beautiful packaging even for a gift to myself.
• Storage catchall for pens. Most of my pen pouches hold a weird variety of writing utensils, such as markers, gel pens, gel highlighters, and so on. If I grab a pouch, like the beautiful purple fairy pouch Mom made for me, I know I'm likely to find something I can use. 
• Travel makeup bags. As a teenager I found silver bag with black musical notes and hot pink trim, and it now has its own foundation, powder, mascara, and lash curler. I keep it stocked, so I don't forget anything. I usually put the bag and an eyeshadow pallet into the antique blue traincase Mom gave me. 
• Samples. Sometimes, I use pouches to sort my sample beauty items. I put pretty Papaya Art labels on the pouches, and they go in a decorative box.
• I've not tried this yet, but I'd like to have a pouch for lip glosses. I might use them more if I could find them easily.
• I haven't tried this either, but pouches could be a cute alternative to gift wrap. I love functional gift wrapping!

What ideas do you have?

Restoration: Week 22.

Something amazing came into our lives this past week. It has restored some of our self-respect because we don't have to rely on others nearly as much. And I, most likely, will not have to get a job and risk a relapse. The disappearance of that dreadful prospect restores some of my peace and hope. I knew that having a job at this point would be a disaster.

Josh's summer classes began this past week, and he doesn't work on Friday, so we had the whole day together. Even little bits of time alone together restore our connection.

I finished a YA book and read many poems. I've written many pink, green, and black words.

Bruce and I finished watching Picnic at Hanging Rock, which was bizarre but good. Our shows and books bind us.

I showed someone what I meant to be a great kindness, and it worked. I'm trying to restore my kindness and my compassion for others. I'm trying to grow.

A Bold Reader: Week 22.

I finished one book this week, Mistress of All Evil, part of the Disney Villains series. I've read all four books. Apparently, a fifth book comes out in August. I liked the books well enough.

I've reached five YA books for the spring, But I want to try to finish at least one more in the next couple of weeks.

Summer will arrive soon, and I'll be wading happily through short stories. Short stories request a different kind of reading...maybe like something between a novel and a poem. I put the reading seasons in place mainly to make sure I could focus on that different kind of reading and practice it.

Bruce and I are still reading The Unreal and the Real. We're not even half way through yet! Our reviews have been mixed. I may not devote more of my reading life to Ursula K. Le Guin after I finish this book.

I've been reading the same poets, poem by poem, in the bathtub. I like the ritual. They are all female poets whose work  I've read before. Growing a relationship with those poems seems bold. It's a language I've started to learn, first to read and then, I hope, to speak.

Feeling Alive.

I have many faults. I recently realized that one of my worst faults is greed. I always want something. I'm hard to satisfy. Shopping, even just online window shopping, makes me feel alive. So I'm thinking about other ways I can feel alive.

• Reading. This is one of the biggest. Reading is consuming. I have access to endless books among libraries and my own shelves. When I really get into reading, it's like lying on a steady float in a pool. Reading can take me to new places and redirect my thoughts.
• Kissing my husband.
• Flowers. I've been more sensitive to flowers lately. Hydrangea, one of my favorites, is starting to bloom. I should go the botanical gardens again or walk about the rose garden at Josh's college. 
• Style. On part of working I miss is deciding on my outfit for the next day. I really enjoyed putting together clothes shoes, and jewelry that would help me feel good about myself. But I can still do that.
• Bubble baths. Hot water with foam and poetry. The combination always settles me but also makes me feel alert.
• Talking to Mom. We talk a few times a week, and we always laugh. I always feel refreshed after we talk. 
• Favorite movies. Sometimes, I should just let a favorite movie play in the background of my day. Movies are an important part of who I am. 
• Favorite music. I listen in the car and while I'm getting ready. I could try playing it more at home.
• Makeup. Like style, makeup is such a great way to express myself. I can also apply makeup that guides the mood of the day. I love playing with colors and sparkles..
• Illustrated books. Story books and art books captivate me, but I rarely take the time to sit down with one. .It can sooth and inspire me. 
• Collections. I love collecting special objects. Books, pens, makeup, journals, stickers. Just looking through them makes me happy, and I feel a little less greedy when I see the wonderful objects I already have. I appreciate my past selves and others who stocked me up on loveliness before money got low.
• Mail. I love getting mail. Ordering something online is a thrill--something's coming in the  mail! But that's not to only way to get good mail. I need to write more letters!
• Dancing, especially if it's with Oliver. I try to dance with him every morning.

How do you keep your flaws in check?