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Friday, December 31, 2021

Savoring 2021.

 This hasn't been the easiest year. COVID has made everything difficult, and the world is a little scarier than it used to be. But my word for the year was Savor, and I think I've fulfilled that.

I savored sanity and stability, starting two new medications that pulled me out of a lifeless depression. 

I savored my relationship with Josh, ever reminded why I chose him. 

I savored Oliver's growth as Zoloft soothed his wild anxiety, freed his mind for greater language comprehension, and helped him adjust to a new school where he is now thriving.

I savored eighty-five books, reading over 150% of the number of books I chose for my GoodReads challenge (fifty-six). 

I savored three wonderful classes and several seminars on writing and got to know my favorite author.

I savored completing the third draft of my novella. 

I savored getting back to the theatre.

I savored our town home with its hardwood floors, little garden (in which I planted a miniature rose that continues to bloom), extra space, and quiet atmosphere. 

I savored the holiday season with two Christmas trees. 

I savored New York City and three Broadway shows. 

I'm ready for a New Year.

Tuesday, December 28, 2021

My No Buy 2022 Intentions.

 1. I will buy clothes for Oliver and Josh when they need clothes. I will not buy clothes, shoes, jewelry, or accessories for myself unless an essential (such as my coat) is no longer usable. 

2. I will keep a NoBuy2022 List on Amazon for any 2022 wishes. They can come as gifts or wait a year. 

3. I will not buy makeup except when I run out of a basic cosmetic (foundation, eye shadow primer, mascara, or brown eyeliner).

4. I will not buy toiletries (except prescription toothpaste) until I run out of something (including samples) or need it for travel.

5. I will keep my subscriptions: Netflix, Amazon Prime, Kindle UnlimitedSpotify, three magazines, and stickers.

6. I will keep my DPAC season seats.

7. I will only buy restaurant food occasionally, about twice a month or while traveling. This does not count Oliver's post-appointment French fries.

8. If I request an item as a gift, I will not open/use the item until the corresponding occasion (birthday, anniversary, Christmas). 

9. I will not buy books, journals, stationery, or pens. I will use what I have and take full advantage of the library.

10. I will use gift cards, points, and store credit for sold items as I wish (money that I cannot spend on Oliver's care and education). 

11. I will buy reasonable gifts for others.

Saturday, December 25, 2021

An Enchanted Trip.

 Today is Christmas, but most of my celebration took place earlier this week. Back in June, my dad mentioned the idea of taking my family to Disney World. I haven't been to Disney since my honeymoon almost fifteen years ago. But it would be a lot for my son, Oliver, to handle. It didn't seem practical. So my dad had another idea: going to New York City right before Christmas.

I've been obsessed with Broadway shows since I was eight years old (when I discovered Phantom). I now have season tickets to Durham Performing Arts Center, and my best friend, Bruce, and I go to seven or eight shows a year. With that and some one-time events, we've seen about fifty shows together. The magic never fades. We have wonderful seats: front row balcony. We've even seen Phantom together from the front row orchestra. 

But I'd never been to New York City. I had the trip on my Thirty before Thirty list, but when it didn't happen, the idea of going to the New York became more of a fantasy. Our son's special needs make childcare difficult, and his education and treatments are expensive. So between childcare issues and financial difficulties, I didn't think I'd ever make it to New York. 

Over six months, the plan grew. Dad got plane tickets, reserved two rooms at a hotel in the theatre district, and found tickets to FIVE shows for a three-night trip. And my mother and stepfather agreed to keep Oliver at their house for those three nights. I thought about it every day. As it became clear that the pandemic was not fading, I started to think that the trip might not happen. I tried to make peace with that. But I was still mentally packing my clothes and imagining the shows. 

This week, it actually happened. On Sunday, my mom and stepdad came to spend the night. I had our suitcase open in the study. Josh planned to keep to his running schedule, so he had to bring a lot of clothes. I decided to dress up but still wear New Balances every day as I knew I'd be walking a lot. On Monday morning, I finished packing for Oliver, and we zipped up our suitcase. The idea of long-term parking had stressed me out, so my dad and stepmom had offered to pick us up at our house. This was a relief.

Oliver is ten, but he's about four developmentally. However, his language comprehension has bloomed in the last few months. So I told him, "Today, Mama and Daddy are going to go on a trip, and you're going to go to Marmee and Papa's house." He didn't answer, but he seemed to listen. When Dad and Michelle arrived, I reminded Oliver about what was happening. I hugged and kissed him, reminding myself that though we'd never been nearly so far away from him, he wouldn't be aware of the distance. He seemed calm, so Josh and I left the house. Mom and Shane would pack up and take Oliver back to their house. We'd considered their keeping him at our house, but I thought he would miss us too much. He sees going to Marmee and Papa's house as a treat. I texted my mom to ask how Oliver was; she said he was smiling when she buckled him into the car. I'm so grateful that he seemed to understand what I said.

We drove from Fayetteville to Raleigh, checked in, and checked our bag. I was wearing a dark green, silver-flecked tank, jeans, and my Ariel jacket. Josh carried my backpack (containing a change of clothes, toiletries, makeup, prescriptions, a book, a magazine, and my blanket), and we went to the gate. Josh bought us bagel sandwiches with herby cream cheese. Dad and Michelle gave us their first-class tickets. I think I had only flown first class once or twice (I flew frequently as a child). Josh and I were in adjacent rows. Whenever I glanced back at him, he was looking out the window or charting our progress on a map. I drank Sprite out of an actual glass while my neighbor drank rum and Coke. I read some of The Cabin, a YA thriller I'd begun (by the way, I guessed who the murderer was). 

La Guardia airport was packed and huge. Dad texted us to meet him at baggage claim. It was quite a walk, and the signs were a little confusing. I was a bit stressed. But we quickly got our bag. Michelle, Josh, and I waited while Dad figured out the taxi situation. The traffic was major, and I caught bits of the skyline, feeling light and elated. We arrived at The Quin Central Park, one of the fanciest hotels I've visited (again, I stayed in a lot of hotels as a child). Two huge Christmas trees with golden decorations adorned the small lobby. We got our room keys and went to our separate rooms. Josh and I had a while to relax, and I changed into pinstriped pants and a blue sweater, along with a silver and blue bow necklace and the earrings Josh had just given me: miniature Dear Evan Hansen Playbills. 

We had reservations at Bar Centrale, but it had closed due to COVID. So we went across the street to Rue 57, a lovely restaurant with dark wood and red Christmas decor. I had an excellent Shirley Temple. I usually have a resting witch face, but I could feel a constant smile. Here I am. Dad and Michelle encouraged me to try the Dover sole, which I'd never had and which is only available in certain cities. The fish was thin and light with a lemony crust, and I savored the grilled asparagus. Josh had truffle pasta, of which I had two delicious bites that made me rethink my attitude about mushrooms. I was excited that he'd found a good vegetarian option that wasn't a salad. 

Dad and Michelle walked us to the Gershwin theatre, where we would see Wicked. Bruce and I went to the show a few years ago in Charlotte, and I was happy to see it again. My dad walks so quickly, and I was vividly aware of how out-of-shape I am and of old Irish Step Dancing injuries. But we made it and got hand stamps after showing our IDs and vaccination cards. Dad and Michelle left (they had come more for the food than the shows), and we climbed a huge parted staircase. I got in line at the merch table and bought a souvenir program. Programs were among my favorite possessions when I was a child; my grandparents gave them to me, and my dad bought them for me at shows. I looked at them often. 

The theatre was so small compared to DPAC, more intimate than grand. We were on the right side in the third row. People rushed in with coats and scarfs and so many shopping bags. I wrote a few lines in green in my journal (a Paperblanks Slim that fit in my Cinderella purse), and we took a masked selfie. Wicked was a different show from so close. The monkeys were freaky as heck, the steaming metal dragon was right above me, and I could see all the details on the costumes. The great and powerful Oz head was alarming too. Our cast was impressive. Josh had reminded me that we listened to Wicked quite a bit after I first saw it, back when Oliver didn't mind music at home. I enjoyed the show even more than I expected, feeling that it was worth the trip on its own. I thought about the lives of the actors and of the difference between performing in the same theatre every night and traveling to a different city every week. I'd love to read a memoir about touring. I don't know if one exists. 

We walked back to our hotel at a moderate pace. I was surprised to feel too warm instead of too cold. I had a crown brooch with purple and pink rhinestones and roses on my lavender coat--I bought the brooch when I found out about the trip. We stopped at the equivalent of Walgreens for soda and water. We got to The Quin after 10:00, and Dad was waiting for us in the lounge, which had two grouped seating areas, gold bauble wreaths, and shelves of coffee-table art and fashion books. I could have spent a lot of time in that room. Dad had a huge bottle of Fiji water, which I have to admit is pretty good. I drink tons of water (about 3.5 liters that night). 

We slept well in a king-sized bed. Josh woke early to go run in Central Park. I drank Dr. Pepper in bed. Josh came back, and we got ready slowly. I wore Tiffany blue pinstriped pants and a sparkly silver sweater with a hematite bow necklace. We saw Dad downstairs before we walked toward Central Park. We stopped at a Starbucks, and I got an iced (I don't usually like hot drinks) peppermint mocha and a little breakfast sandwich. I enjoyed that in a rustic gazebo in Central Park. I liked passing the horse-drawn carriages and the ice rink but didn't care about trying either. We saw chonky, aging squirrels and walked on a packed-earth nature trail that had skyline overlooks. We marveled at the tallest residential building in the country...and at the incredible floor plans that Josh looked up (I love floor plans)--his and her baths, a library! 

We met up with Dad and walked to Bryant Park, where I wanted to visit the Japanese bookstore Kinokuniya. It had three levels and a lot of manga. Josh took a photo of me sitting on the floor, sifting through the journals. I love buying journals when I travel. I write in the back cover where and when I got each journal. I found a Peter Pauper Press (my favorite) journal I'd never seen, which surprised me. I looked at pens and stationery downstairs. 

After we left Kinokuniya, Dad walked us to the largest Sephora in the US. It was huge and bustling. I looked at everything and chose a little 2022 makeup (sparkly eye shadow and red lip balm). On our way back to the hotel, Josh put in a DoorDash order with a Greek restaurant. Soon after we got to the hotel, our pitzas arrived. Mine had chicken and spinach. They were delicious. We put the leftovers in our little fridge. We spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing. Our Rockettes Christmas show had been canceled. I didn't mind the quiet time. I scribbled and read and snuggled with Josh. The pitza was good cold for dinner. 

We walked to the Majestic theatre via Times Square. The huge screens and hectic lights reminded me so much of experiencing mania. I didn't look too long. The Majestic had so many giant photos from Phantom. We got inside the tiny place and bought a souvenir program and a black jacket with a mask on it. The seats were rose velvet. I saw gold curtains and small(ish) chandeliers above the balcony. A little girl, maybe seven years old, sat with her mother next to Josh. I was once that little girl!

The massive chandelier rose almost directly above our seats in the third row center. Our Christine was very petite and adorable. How did that voice come out of that tiny person? And Raoul was tall. The scenes with the managers are always fun. Phantom switched to a new production design some years ago, which I saw three times with Bruce. Now, it's back to the classic design, including the grand golden staircase for "Masquerade." The little girl next to us was rapt and sometimes stood up to watch. Phantom is creepy, violent, and highly suggestive, but a lot of that went over my head when I was a kid and largely until I was watching the show next to a little girl. I felt grateful that my parents had allowed me to see the show. And here I was, watching it on Broadway! 

We got back to our room after 10:00 (very late for us) and quickly went to sleep after I took a hot shower since the room didn't have a bathtub. The next morning, Josh went down to the hotel gym. Again, I stayed in bed drinking Dr. Pepper. I got ready and put on a black sweater with sequins, gray pants, and my silver Phantom necklace (which I bought several years ago). At 9:30, we met Dad and Michelle downstairs, and Dad put the three of us in a car to go to Strand Book Store, which I just had to see. We arrived just before the doors opened. Apparently, the store carries about 18 miles of new and used books and a great many Strand-branded gifts. I had my phone out, checking my library's catalog for books that caught my attention, placing future holds (I'm booked through April). The Strand tote bags were awesome, but I have a lot of tote bags. I found the best souvenir though: a Denik softcover journal with a black and white Victorian drawing of Strand. Perfect. I explored three of the four floors (the rare books were closed off), checking the fairy tales and looking at glass jars full of pens and markers around the stairs. 

We were there for about an hour. We didn't have a lot of time before our matinee of To Kill a Mockingbird, so we parted from Michelle and started the long walk back. By sheer serendipity, we came to a Paper Source and looked inside. I wanted to buy Sparkle Pop pens but didn't. We stopped at Starbucks and picked up lunch. Then, we sat in colorful metal chairs in Koreatown. I ate a chicken caprese sandwich cold with sides of grapes, apple slices, cheddar, gouda, and brie. I was hungry. 

We got to the Schubert theatre and sat down in, again, the third row, to the right. I had mostly asked to go to the show because Josh likes the book, and Atticus Finch is one of his favorite literary characters. But I ended up loving it. Our Scout had won a Tony for the role, and Jeff Daniels played Atticus. Bob and Mayella Ewell were downright frightening and pitiful, respectively. I'll get to see the show again at DPAC next year.

We walked back to the hotel. Josh went up to our room, and Dad walked me to the Whitby to have afternoon tea with Michelle. I drank peppermint tea, and the waiter caught onto the need to refill my water glass often. A tiered tray arrived with tiny sandwiches, tarts, miniature cakes, and scones. We ate and talked about everything from alcohol to eye makeup. We stayed for about two hours. We walked back to the hotel without getting lost. I went to the room and settled in with Josh after another shower. I was sore from walking what Josh estimated to be 10-15 miles in a couple of days--very active for me. Josh ordered a veggie burger and pesto pasta salad since I was full from tea. 

The next morning, Josh went to run on the Highline and along the Hudson River. I got ready and wore jeans, a lavender tank top with gold threads, and my Phantom jacket. We went down to the lobby and got in a car with Dad and Michelle. At the airport, Josh found breakfast sandwiches for Michelle and me. Dad and Michelle gave us their first-class seats again, and this time, a nice woman switched with Josh so we could sit together. I held Josh's hand and read The Cabin during the brief flight. 

After Dad drove us back home, Josh and I ate quickly and drove to Rockingham to pick up Oliver. When we arrived, Oliver and I ran to each other, laughing. I picked him up and swung him around. That night, I enjoyed my armchair and heated blanket and took a bubble bath, happy.

Sunday, December 12, 2021

A Different Approach to 2022.

 Next year, my husband, Josh, is running his first marathon. He's thinking about the endurance this will require, especially the mental presence and fortitude. I will do something similar, but it will last all year.

Our son, Oliver, has autism and intellectual impairment. He just began attending a private school for children with autism. He loves it, and he has gained amazing new practical, mental, and emotional skills. It's where he needs to be right now. He's also received ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis, an autism treatment), speech, and occupational therapy for years. Josh is an English professor at a local college. I used to do the same, but I am disabled due to bipolar disorder and panic disorder, so my income is limited. Next year, keeping Oliver in school and in therapy will require all the money we have and quite a bit more. 

I love objects. I have collections. I love journals, pens, books, Betsey Johnson jewelry, prestige makeup, and Irregular Choice shoes. Objects are meaningful to me, and I enjoy discovering them. 

But I have decided to do No Buy 2022: no purchases that are not essential. 

The main reason for this is that we simply won't have the money for fun spending while we maintain Oliver's care and education. But I'm also doing it as a cleanse and as an exercise in appreciation and contentment. I have many wonderful objects that I've collected over years or that people have given me. I have a wonderful library minutes from my house, and it's pretty well-stocked. I have a birthday and Christmas and anniversaries. Anything I want can be a gift, or it can wait until next year. Even if we suddenly had more money mid-year, I'd want to see this through. And I have no business spending money for fun when people who love us are helping us.

A member of my family hates the sensation of hunger and jokingly claims to eat frequently enough to avoid the sensation all together. I have to get used to the feeling of wanting. Or maybe my wanting will fade in the joy of reading, wearing, using, and appreciating what I already have.

I'll keep some things: my magazine subscriptions that I've already paid for (Bella Grace, Enchanted Living, and Real Simple), my season theatre tickets, the Spotify and Netflix accounts Josh and I share, and my Silk and Sonder planner subscription. If I find a book I want to read, I'll check the library and either check it out or put it on a list for later. I do, by the way, consider Dr. Pepper an essential. 

I've been moving in this direction anyway out of necessity. But when I saw the Facebook page for No Buy 2022, I thought, yes, this is something I need to do. Not everyone thinks it's a good idea. I think it is. Wish me luck.

Reading: Stillness and Attention.

 I often struggle to read though it is one of my greatest passions. It comforts, informs, develops, and stretches me. I think it's one of the best uses of my time.

I usually have a goal to read 8 books a month. That's up from the 6 books per month goal (which I often didn't meet) that I had when I was working full-time. But last month, I read 15 books. Some of those books were graphic novels or poetry books, which can take less time. I count them as full books anyway because I think they are important and I want to experience a lot of both. But most of the books were novels or short story and essay collections.

So when I didn't read for two days this past week, I wondered, what worked last month?

My not reading is usually a sign of depression or anxiety, situational or clinical. But reading is also just hard for me. I'm a slow reader. I'm easily distracted. I usually have a lot going on with my son who has special needs. So what did I do that made a difference?

Two words came to mind: Stillness and Attention. 

I have to be still to read. I have to stay in one place and not get scattered and not think of the rest of my to-do list. And if I need to get up to tend to my son or pause to pay a bill, I return to that stillness as soon as I can.

I have to pay attention to read. I have to put aside anxiety, random thoughts, and other forms of input. Put my phone down. Focus my curiosity on what I'm reading rather than every thought of "What's this?" and "Does this exist?" I have to quiet my mind.

It's still not easy, but I know what I need to do if I want to read. And I do want to read, daily, widely, and deeply. It's a careful investment.