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Tuesday, January 16, 2024

Our Study.

I'll describe the study. I'm sitting on the loveseat, which is pink velvet with throw pillows. One pill is pink and says, She Leaves a Little Sparkle Wherever She Goes. That's a theme throughout the house. One is green and says, You Are Magical. Another is pink and says Merry Everything. The last is white with a painting from the Etsy shop A Thing Created: a girl with pink hair, wearing black and white, holding a book, and standing at one end of a library wall of bookcases, inset lights, and cushioned chairs. On either side of the loveseat is a small white end table with two shelves. One holds magazines (I'm so behind!); the other holds boxes of pens and a white basket full of more pens. The double window is behind the loveseat and looks out on the porch. It catches the morning sunlight. Next to each end table is a tall white bookcase. Both hold unread books. One holds a variety of books with decorative boxes on top (receipts, doll clothes, art supplies). One holds short story collections and various pen displays and has two Robin Woods dolls at the top: a dark-haired princess with a silky blue gown and a navy velvet cape with silver lining and trim--Mom gave me the doll and made the clothes for Christmas one year when I was younger than ten--the other doll is a Cinderella with a full trunk and wardrobe. She's wearing the pink gown she made herself. In front of the loveseat is a turquoise velvet ottoman with a turquoise and gold tray. 

The wall to my left is largely an opening from the foyer. The the left of it is a small canvas, light blue with So Many Books--So  Little Time in lettering by Risa Rodil. Beneath that is a hook for Josh's Camelbak. Our yoga mats are rolled up in the corner. The boys' backpacks usually end up there too. Above the entry from the foyer is a dark wooden sign that says Librairie: Rare Books & Fine Prints, 227 Rue Cler, est. in 1801. We found it at Target long ago. To the right of the entrance is a teal metal bar cart that I use for books, especially library books. Above that is a cluster of Josh's hats on hooks. In the center is a purple poster I made on Shutterfly many years ago. It says Read: Books Rock, and it has photos of Josh, tiny Oliver, and I interacting with books. Our weights are in the corner (yes, the study doubles as a gym). 

The wall facing the loveseat has a mint and peach canvas that says Be in Love with Your Life, another Target find. Next is a small accordion doorway to the kitchen. Josh has a chin-up bar there, and above it is a Charlotte Hornets locker room sign. Next is the huge desk Josh's grandfather made for him long ago. It's dark wood with gold drawer pulls for eight little drawers. On the desk is a two-foot faux white birch tree with white lights. Centered above the desk is a lavender Joy Laforme canvas. It shows a night sky and purple, pink, blue, and gray skyscrapers of New York City with a street full of taxis, red brake lights bright. You'd swear life is going on beyond some of the glowing windows. Clustered around the canvas are various sports-team pennants; a purple magnetic marker board; a small canvas in white, pink, and gold that says, She Leaves a Little Sparkle Wherever She Goes; a quotables card ("Life is a beautiful, magnificent thing." --Charlie Chaplin); a very old watercolor self-portrait of mine; three collages I made between the ages of eighteen and twenty (rainbow, pink/green, and purple); and a personalized print from A Thing Created with six of my favorite books: Jane Eyre, The Phantom of the Opera, Writing Down the Bones, Dangerous Angels, Sense and Sensibility, and Never Let Me Go. Next to the desk is Josh's dark wood, open bookcase, which currently holds nonfiction books I've not read yet in rainbow order. Above it is a canvas with pink French books on display as if in a sidewalk stall. 

The wall to my right is probably my favorite. In the center is the white secretary desk my mom and stepdad gave me for a birthday present several years ago. I decorated it with pastel crystal drawer pulls. Atop the desk is a pink vase of faux pink and purple hydrangeas and a lovely Madame Alexander Scarlett O'Hara doll in an elaborate green Christmas dinner gown. Above the desk is an ivory canvas with a gold chandelier dripping crystal. I'd like to have a chandelier painting (since, in most cases, I can't have a real chandelier) in every room. To the left of the desk is a skinny, pink and white five-shelf bookcase. On it are nonfiction books I haven't read in rainbow order. Above the bookcases is a pink Joy Laforme canvas of a pink New York City residential building with flowering trees and a dense, bright garden. Taxis line the street, but the overall effect is pink. Next to the canvas is a little note from long-ago Josh: You are the most beautiful girl. It's on notepaper with a Mary Engelbreit image of a boy with dark, curly hair riding a crowned seahorse. I looked at that image while I was in labor, counting details in my head during contractions. Off to this side is a wheeled desk chair--white wood and bright green upholstery. To the right of the desk is another skinny pink and white bookcase, holding unread fiction and poetry in no particular order. Above this is a painting we call "The Pink Lady." It is an antique Josh bought at Sleep Poet's antique store with a gift card from my mom. In a gilt frame on ivory and pink matting is a woman in a pink dress and fur stole. Her auburn hair is in a bun, and she's holding a bouquet of pink flowers. 

That is our study, the room in which we spend most of our waking hours at home together. It's busy, but it's bright and beautiful--just what I like: a fanciful display of both of us. 

Monday, January 15, 2024

Reading Themes and Goals for 2024.

My primary reading goal for 2024 is to read 100 books. But I have a lot of ideas about what kinds of books I want to read. Here are most of the themes, authors, and topics on which I want to focus.

  • Journals and Diaries.
  • Books on Journaling.
  • Poets' Memoirs and Biographies.
  • Books on Reading/Books/Bookselling.
  • Books on French Lifestyles/Travels to France.
  • Books on Food, Especially Poetry.
  • Books on Writing Poetry.
  • Books by Helen Oyeyemi.
  • Books in Seasonal Genres (Winter: Children's Literature; Spring: Young Adult Literature; Summer: Short Story Collections; Fall: Nonfiction).
  • 30 Books of Poetry in April,
  • 31 Books of Poetry in October.
  • Books by Alexandra Stoddard.
  • Books by Jill Bialosky.
  • Books by Joseph Bathanti.
  • Books by Kay Redfield Jamison.
  • Memoirs and Essays on Motherhood. 

Sunday, January 14, 2024

The First Two Weeks of January.

January is when winter really starts to feel like winter. Josh has called it "the doldrums of winter" because Christmas has passed, and the cold is really settling in. It's true we've had some dark days and some heavy rain, but we've also had crisp, sunny days. I don't dislike the cold as much as I used to. I enjoy the fresh breeze on my face as I step out of Barnes. I like needing to wear a sweater. 

I still end up using the AC in the car most days. Yes, I'm driving a lot more, and that will continue as classes begin. I will drive Josh to work, pick up Oliver from school, and pick up Josh almost every day, as I've done for the last couple of weeks. What makes it bearable? Audio books. Since I'm out so much anyway, I have decided not to have set, on-campus office hours this semester. I'm not required to have them, so I've just listed by appointment on my syllabi. 

I've read three books in the last two weeks, so I'm a little behind on my reading goal of 100. My real goal is 117, as I'd like to surpass my best reading year (2022). I came close to doing so last year, ending at 112. I just couldn't quite swallow those last five books. But I did finish a journal the night of New Year's Eve, starting a fresh one on the 1st. On the 1st, I finished Megan Hess's book Audrey, an illustrated biography of Audrey Hepburn, focusing on her style (Megan Hess is a fashion artist, which sounds really cool. She's one of my favorite artists...I gather more and more!). It was a charming Tiffany-blue book that I'm sure I'll revisit. I have two other Megan Hess books to read (Christian Dior and Coco Chanel); I read several last year. While my style rarely reflects trends, I am quite interested in fashion design and evolution: the art of it, the influence of it. I may reread Paris through a Fashion Eye (also Hess) this year. Oh! I also need to read Iconic, which is on Italian fashion. I read about twenty books on art, fashion, and interior design last year. I have many reading themes and goals for this year, but that's for another post. 

I finished listening to Gingerbread by Helen Oyeyemi. I read her book of short stories, What Is Not Yours Is Not Yours, last year. Her writing is bewildering and bewitching...I think I love it. I plan to read all of her books. A few are available on Libby (that's where I got Gingerbread), and I was able to find a couple more as used hard copies or cheap Kindle books. I believe I bought Boy Snow Bird years ago, but I haven't seen it lately. Her work is dipped in and dusted with fairy tales, but the core of her stories are purely Oyeyemi. 

And I finished rereading Happiness for Two by Alexandra Stoddard just last night. This one I read with Josh. He finished reading the Kindle book before I finished flagging the hardcover that I've had since 2007 when it came out. I was working at Borders at the time, so I got to see all the new books coming in. Stoddard is an interior designer, who at some point became something of a philosopher. Her books were extremely influential for me in my teens and twenties. Last year, Josh read Living a Beautiful Life, the first and most impactful book of hers I've read. While Josh notes Stoddard's privileged perspective in his reviews, he does seem to see some value in her ideas. It's another book we've read together. Next up? The Hidden Writer by Alexandra Johnson, another reread for me but probably one I haven't read in a good twenty years. It goes along with my primary reading theme for this year: journals and diaries. 

On January 3, Bruce and Corey took me to see The Color Purple. Bruce and I saw the musical some years ago, but I didn't remember much about it. It seemed like a likely bummer, though. However, I was surprised and delighted to watch one of the best movies I've ever seen. I quickly added songs to my January playlist. Josh and I make playlists each month to share with each other.

I wanted to mark the occasion of Twelfth Night, about which I knew little to nothing. Josh and I read about it together and made note of it on January 5. We did end up putting away one of our Christmas trees that night as that is part of the tradition. We did not exchange gifts, but we drove Oliver to Rockingham to meet my mom and go home with her for the weekend. I'd made a Twelfth Night playlist, primarily with winter songs that aren't exclusively Christmas related. I included a lot of Tchaikovsky. We listened to that on the way. On the way back, we listened to The Wintering Sessions, Katherine May's podcast. We listened to one episode about a carer (the British version of caregiver...I actually like carer better) who guarded her mentally-ill mother and now cares for her autistic son. This seemed quite relevant, so I looked up her book, Tender. We also listened to about half of the second episode, which was a discussion with a midwife. I want us to listen to all of the Wintering Sessions and to the newer iteration of the podcast How We Live Now. This reminds me of one of my favorite books, How I Live Now, which I discovered in a adolescent literature class at ASU (that class changed my reading life, by the way). 

The next day, the 6th, we had an excursion. We normally spend our weekends alone almost exclusively at home in bed, snuggling, napping, and soaking up each other's presence. But that Saturday, we had tickets to see Girl from the North Country. Neither of us knew anything about the musical except that the songs are by Bob Dylan  (and we didn't know much about him, either). Since DPAC is about an hour and a half from home, I wanted to make a whole day of it. I asked Josh to find independent bookstores in Durham and plan our day, as he's good at that sort of task. 

The first bookstore we sought no longer exists; come on, Google. We went to The Regulator Bookshop, which sold new books. We found a couple of major bargains. I want to start collecting T-shirts for indie bookstores, and all the bookstores we visited had T-shirts, but I'll have to wait for a time when we have more money. Inexpensive books seemed more important anyway. The Regulator had a great children's section where I found books I want to read eventually, including one about the various natural occasions of the year (solstices, equinoxes, etc.) and one full of tales specifically for winter.

We didn't want to spend money on lunch, so I had packed a protein bar and Bel Vita cookies for Josh. I ate an orange, and the car filled with the scent. Next, we went to Letters Bookshop. By this time, the rain was really coming down. I was wearing a gray sweater dress with sequins and beading on the sleeves, fleece-lined tights, gray fuggs, and my star coatigan. Luckily, I had grabbed the Ariel umbrella. Josh paralleled parked beautifully one street over, and we huddled together as we splashed our way to the shop. Letters sold both new and used books, some of the new books at used prices. We took advantage. The shop must be full of light on a sunny day. A three-part staircase led to a loft with poetry, journals, art books, and YA lit. We took our time. 

By then, it was time to go to the theatre. We arrived, parked in the parking deck, and waited a while before walking in the rain again. We sat at a high-top table inside and ate soft pretzels and mini chocolate-covered pretzels. The show itself was rather a downer, but I was glad we went together. Normally, I share my season tickets with Bruce, but he was in Hawaii for the week. I was grateful that my mom and Shane had been able to keep Oliver so we could go to the show. Afterward, we went to a bitsy bookshop called Golden Fig Books. It primarily sold used books, and we found a few. It was a lovely time despite the weather. On Sunday, we relaxed, Josh opting to skip his in-person meeting and go to an online meeting that night instead. We were together until 3, when he left to pick up Oliver and I got ready for tutoring.

Yesterday, I went back to Barnes for my second artist's date of the year. I read magazines, lit up over the one little Valentine's Day display, and brought home an iced peppermint mocha and a slice of cheesecake. I've been to bookstores five times this year!

What else have we done these two weeks? We rearranged a lot of art in the house. The living room is still a work in progress, but the study, where we spend most of our waking hours, is wonderful. I wrote a detailed description of it in my journal; I may post that some time. We both got our classes ready for the start on January 16. While I haven't attained or surpassed those 32 rhinestones from January 1, I did earn 28 yesterday! I've been reading Down Spooky, a book of poems, and Linotte, Anais Nin's first diary. I've also stickered a couple of journals including my Christmas journal for next year and the journal I plan to write in after I finish my current Papier star journal: a Peter Pauper Press Gilded Tree journal with a golden tree before a massive full moon. I'm lighting candles every day, currently Holiday, 'Tis the Season, and the maple butter candle my brother gave us for Christmas. I turn on more lights now. The little birch trees glow.

Monday, January 8, 2024

32 Rhinestones: New Year's Day.

I have a chart. This chart has over 50 habits (most of them small) that I'd like to follow each day, tasks that my ideal self would complete daily. Some of these are basic (Floss once) while some are more involved (Pick up House) or lofty (Do Art). I use a highlighter (often pink glitter) to mark the tasks I've completed for the day. I started the chart last year, and the highest number I got was 37. Not very impressive. 

My mom is also working on some new habits. She read Atomic Habits, and she told me that the book suggested having a visual for each desired habit. Of course, I have the chart, but I liked Mom's idea: keeping a jar with her favorite buttons, one button per healthy choice or good habit. I decided to try that as an extra reinforcement, so I ordered a jar (plastic--not as cool but more Oliver-proof) and took out a great many rhinestones, little ones, in fuchsia, purple, pale pink, and pale green. I'm thinking I may use rhinestone stars for monthly or annual habits like staying within budget or reading the year's Best American volumes. Bruce told me that his word of the year is Habit, which fits nicely with my goals and Mom's goals as well as the word of the year Josh and I are sharing. Bruce wants to focus on holistic happiness. 

I haven't burst into passionate productivity in the new year. This is partly because my medication manager halved my dose of Ritalin (a stimulant) without my input. Before Ritalin, I slept all day, often in a deep depression. I had no energy, drive, or focus. My doctor put me on 20mg of Ritalin twice a day, and my life changed. Suddenly, I could take showers. I could do a load of laundry. I could pick up my son from school. I could unpack the boxes from our move. Apart from Geodon (which keeps the hallucinations away), Ritalin has had the greatest impact on my quality of life. And now, I have only 10mg twice a day. So, I'm sleeping. A lot. Yesterday, I slept until 10:30 and took about five hours' worth of naps. It's unsustainable. Yes, I've had mono, but with mono, I felt too ill to sleep. Now, I'm too flattened to stay awake. 

But enough complaining. New Year's Day was a great day. I didn't do as much as I'd hoped, but I had 32 highlights on my chart. I decided that for a good day, my minimum would be 30. I figure I should be able to follow more than half of the habits I want to maintain or build. But this week, that seems like a lot. My numbers have gone down almost every day, and the break is nearly over. 

Nonetheless, I dropped 32 fuchsia rhinestones in the plastic, half-gallon jar last Monday night. I think we should celebrate the good days especially, so I'll tell you about January 1. 

I woke up around 9 and stayed in bed for a few minutes. I had had a strange dream, but not a bad one. When I went downstairs, Josh told me to look in the fridge. I found a large McDonald's Dr. Pepper AND a Venti iced peppermint mocha, complete with chocolate shavings! Brilliant! I had ended the previous year and begun the current year wearing my black Strand hoodie. I started a new journal: Papier brand, blue with waves of stars. I wrote my morning pages (three pages, according to The Artist's Way) and kept going. I messaged an Irish Step Dance instructor about adult classes in Fayetteville. I don't really have the money or time for such an expensive, intense hobby, but it would be a fun way to exercise and be creative. I haven't heard anything from her. 

I opened the #19 ink from my Diamine Inkvent calendar. This was Cinnabun, a standard brown. I like brown inks because they feel old fashioned, like original walnut-shell inks. Josh had actually cleaned my green TWSBI stub pen for me, remembering the lessons I gave him one night recently, telling him all about fountain pens in an attempt to bring him into my world and bond with him. I read a little of Victoria Holiday Bliss, a special magazine. I'm not done with Christmas yet, and reading a magazine article in the morning is one of my daily habits. I wrote until 11:30 and then took a shower with philosophy Morning Maple 3-in-1 shampoo and Twisted Peppermint body wash. I put on navy fleece-lined leggings, a sports bra (less itchy on my winter-dry skin), my red beaded Twinkle Twinkle tee, and the Out of Print Read Your Socks Off socks Josh gave me for Christmas. He gave me several pairs of bookish socks, and I've been wearing a new pair each day. I dusted silver glitter on my face, neck, and hair. 

I was frustrated with myself because I forgot to eat breakfast on the first day of the year! Those fabulous beverages distracted me. But I went to Barnes and explored. I smelled a lovely candle called Dark Academia, but I'm not going to pay $28 for it. I didn't find any new magazines, so I bought a tomato caprise for lunch. I was so hungry by then that I ate half of it in the car. I only stayed at Barnes for 40 minutes or so, but it counted as my artist's date (also from The Artist's Way) for the week. I listened to The Electricity of Every Living Thing while I showered and while I drove. 

When I got home, Josh had cleaned the whole house! I had cleaned up the study, putting away books and gifts and gathering all my current projects into tote bags (Josh calls them house purses, and they bug him less than clutter on the floor and the ottomans). Oliver was watching videos, but he wasn't tense, and he actually watched full videos instead of rapid cycling. When he rapid video cycles, he'll watch the same string of 30+ videos and stop each at the same point, usually 10-60 seconds in, and then start the cycle over in the same order. It's bizarre, but I guess it's not so strange for an autistic person. The good-natured video time didn't last, but I tried to focus on the candles. The Snowflakes and Citrus candle had burned out, so I replaced it with White Winter Woods. 

Once the video cycling passed, we went back to the study. Josh gave me a shoulder rub before he got back to reading the poetry anthology What Saves Us. The Peppermint Sugar Cookie candle burned. I got up, turned on the audio book Gingerbread by Helen Oeyemi, opened a Wild Cherry Pepsi (I prefer Cherry Coke, but it's good in a pinch), and cooked corkscrew pasta with pesto, broccoli, and asparagus. 

After dinner, I opened ink #20, Astral. It's a chameleon ink that is black with green-gold glittrer--roaring '20s gorgeous! I definitely want to buy a full-sized bottle of Astral when it comes out next year. It reminds me of my doll Lunette (technically a witch, but I think of her as a sassy wingless sprite). Josh started his first book of the new year: Going South to Teach, about a woman (1800s?) leaving New York to teach in Raleigh. He's only reading books by non-males this year; this will be his 200th book by a woman. I need to make him a stack of poetry books. I chose two other books I'd like us to read (reread for me) together: Happiness for Two by Alexandra Stoddard and The Hidden Writer by Alexandra Johnson. The latter goes with my 2024 focus on journals, diaries, and books on journaling. I'll also be reading memoirs by and biographies of poets. 

I spent most of the first day of the year writing, which I think is a great way to welcome the new year. I rested with my heated blanket under me as my kidneys have been hurting and bleeding. I see my nephrologist on the 15th. I learned two new words for this winter:

Apricity: the warmth of sunlight in winter

Vellichor: the feeling of wistful romance one gets from the scent of old books

I finished the book Audrey by Megan Hess, my first book of the new year. And, honestly, it's the only book I've finished so far this year. Not a good start! But I read poems from Books and Libraries and wrote my word-of-the-year blog post. And I set my reading goal for the year: 100 books again. 

The rest of the week was very sleepy but included some great times. I'll write about them soon.


Monday, January 1, 2024

Word of the Year 2024.

So, the new year has begun, my 39th January 1st. It is my 19th January 1st with Josh. And this year, we are sharing a word. The word is progress. 

I chose the word, and Josh agreed to it. Last year, my word was nourish, which I eventually realized I actually used for a past year. I encouraged/nagged Josh to choose a word last year too. I suggested challenge, but he didn't like the sound of that--too much pressure. He came up with Endure. While the word has some romantic associations (Anne Shirley's "For as long as the sun and the moon shall endure"), this sounded too much like suffering, like bare survival, like not quite dying to me. I proposed an alternative: persevere. It has the same basic meaning but with a much more positive connotation. He (reluctantly?) agreed to this. I don't know how much he ever thought of the word. But he did persevere through last year; I did too, and we persevered together even though at times, it was more like endurance. And did I nourish myself? 

As I wrote yesterday, I think I often did, storing up as much love and joy as I could. I spent too much money this--last summer, and I ate too much junk food and drank too much soda and coffee, especially toward the end of the year. But I tried to establish a habit of eating breakfast every day. I did some yoga. I read 112 books. I read 19 books specifically on art, fashion, or design. I read 31 books of poetry in October. I wrote many poems in the latter half of the year, dozens, more than I have written, perhaps, in years. I interrogated memories and polished the genuine ones until they shone. I clung to what I know to be true, which, this year--last year, hasn't felt--didn't feel like much. 

But that's last year. This year is something new. Josh said we'd wake up to our same lives, but I don't think that's necessarily true. This is a different space of time, a time for new decisions, and yes, a blank canvas. On this canvas, we can (we already have started, today) paint something entirely new. It's not that we won't remember what came before, that we won't still have ink stains on our hands (from the heartbreaks, from the traumas, from the acting out, from the episodes, from the anger) that may smudge our canvas, especially if we are not careful. But. It is a new space. This year can be a year of sobriety, of love, of rebuilt trust, of stability, of joy. 

Of progress. Another sober day. Another poem written. Another song sung. Another journal completed. Another book by a non-male author read. Another workout. Another run. Another session. Another term--three of them. Another new word.

I haven't made great leaps today. But I have moved. While, for the past two or three months, I have crawled, today, I strolled. Tomorrow, I may stride. I'm really thinking of tomorrow as the beginning of the year's work as everyone goes back to work. I will try to welcome all beginnings: today as the first day of the year, tomorrow as the first day Josh goes back to work, Thursday as the first day Oliver goes back to school, January 15th as the day I see my nephrologist and (hopefully) begin to see a reduction in pain and bleeding, January 16th as the day classes begin, February 1st as the first day of a new month, February 16 as the first day of our 18th year of marriage, and so on. I marked the first day of winter. On any day, I may frolic or run, climb or dance. 

I marked the last day of 2023. And I marked the first day (just a few days ago) of my medication change. I will continue to mark days as well as look forward to them. I am determined to believe that each day will bring good, whether it comes to me or I create it. I will have days, as I did last year, in which I cannot create the good. But the good is there anyway. I will continue to store love, continue to plant seeds. I will make progress.