In Praise of Scribbling.

When I was a young teenager, I was looking at Barnes and Noble's reference section, where the books on writing waited. I happened upon Natalie Goldberg's Writing down the Bones.

I'm serious when I say that the book changed my life. Goldberg looks at writing as a practice. She fills mountains of spiral notebooks, often writing in timed, no-pause writing sessions alone or with others. I call this kind of writing scribbling. It usually has no particular direction. It is not product writing (though poems, stories, blog posts, and more can begin in a scribble session).

My students hated "scribbles," at first: 10 minutes of writing, 5 minute break, x3. But a few came to me later to say how much the scribbles eased their stress and helped them learn to express themselves. I wrote right along with them, usually in a "work journal," a spiral or composition book. I used scribbling to push through the day, especially as I became increasingly sick.

Unlike Goldberg, I choose to do my scribbling in beautiful journals. I don't mind filling them with complaints and nonsense. Each journal is a hybrid of the traditional diary and (more so) Goldberg's notebooks. I use a rainbow of pens shades and finishes, but a hotel room ballpoint will do just fine.

Scribbling helps me stay sane, and I believe it makes me a better writer.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 35.

I have a Decomposition spiral notebook with mermaids on it. I'm using it for random notes that I don't initially put in my journal or on one of the blogs. I've started a to-do wish list for the month. It's all spread out, so I can see where I'm trying to go, but I don't have to do it all in a day or a week. The list harnesses some of my challenges.

I lost 3 pounds! That's 16 pounds total in maybe six weeks. I'm excited and grateful even though my pants are starting to feel too big. I'm stepping up to the challenge to lose more.

I finally saw my therapist for the first time in weeks. She's been travelling or something. Our appointments mostly focus on catching up.

We saw Cynthia again. She said that the wound is healed, and though she can see where the reattachment happened, it's not attached anymore! So after that hellish week...it worked. I fixed it! It's now one of the accomplishments of which I'm most proud. We have to continue with a 3-6-hour schedule to massage the scar and keep it from getting too thick or stiff. I think he's starting to realize that though they're unpleasant, the scar massages don't hurt like the stretches did. More appointments are coming up. But Oliver is eating more! When I pull him out of class, he usually does okay, and he'll sometimes accept a sticker (a shark today!) and a Tylenol.

I didn't seek enough nourishment for my soul this past week. I've been consumed with Oliver's current needs. But a new week is another chance to try.

All about Oliver.

Tomorrow is Oliver's 8th birthday! Here is a little more about him.

• Favorite Toy: Probably Brr Brr even though he doesn't play with or cuddle the Beanie Baby English bulldog the way he used to. He likes to have Brr Brr on car trips.
• Favorite Color: Red. This has been consistent for years.
• Favorite Clothes: A red Super Grover T-shirt or gray pajama pants with tigers on them ("Tiger pants").
• Favorite Animal: Lion (also consistent for years).
• Favorite Foods: Pepperoni, dill pickles, Welch's fruit snacks, sausage, chicken fries, Doritos, taquitos, donuts!
• Favorite Drinks: Low-sugar grape Gatorade, whole milk
• Favorite Movie: He doesn't watch movies except the feature-length Thomas episodes like Misty Island Rescue.
• Favorite Song: "Uptown Funk" ("Up Down Funny Up") and "Let It Go."
• Best Friends: Probably Josh, Bruce, and Miss KS.
• Favorite Activities: Tearing paper, preferably magazines, and spreading the shreds all over the house. Changing locations and available foods as often as possible.
• Challenges: Communication and other autism-related issues.
• Talents: Preserving the face of a pretty girl in a magazine. Jumping. Dancing. Singing. Bonding with special adults. Being happy.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 34.

I limped along this past week in more ways than one. I started trying to wear my boot only out of the house and go without at home. But I went to a watch a movie in regular shoes, and the pain was bearable.

But a much bigger challenge was our follow-up with Dr. M. Mom came to be there with me (nourishment), and Josh came during a lull at work.

Dr. M told us that the tissue was reattaching. She did a stretch on Oliver, and she called me over to see his wound under the the bright light and to see the blood pooling under his tongue. She said I have to use the bite blocker no matter how much he struggles against it. Dr. M talked a lot and seemed to thrive on our distress. I did not let myself cry, but I felt like a failure. I could barely talk afterward.

Mom talked me into going out for groceries--we were out of almost everything. The shopping calmed me a little. Mom picked out items for dinner--Caesar salad and huge shrimp with cocktail sauce. A good meal helped too (nourishment!).

I was sick at the thought of making Oliver bleed, of that begin a goal.

I told Mom, "I can't do it."
She said, "You can."

She was not happy with that doctor. Mom was about ready for us to quit. But we had another appointment with Cynthia for the coming week. I hope she can give us some guidance. Why were the reports so different?

I can't wait until we can just be done with this. But I want to make, continue to make, my best effort and end this peacefully.

Best Little and Not-So-Little Choices.

• Opening my heart to a new friend...or two.
• Becoming nicer at home.
• Buying big mint and lavender headphones...but I've lost them! Now, I have purple and hot pink headphones.
• Registering for drama and poetry, the classes in which I met Josh.
• Deciding to get into makeup. It brings me joy every day.
• Digging my way out of (most of) my rage.
• Starting a regular journal (a gift from my parents) when I was 15. That's almost 20 years ago!
• Buying green wedge-heel Mary Janes. I wore and loved them until I wore them out.
• Taking creative writing for two years in high school even though the teacher was scary.
• Applying to teach at a community college. It's the best job I have had. I did it until I got too sick.
• Reading (just about) every book I've read.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 33.

This past week, I did a little catching up on this blog. It seems silly sometimes. But I think more people read it than I realize. That's a nourishing thought.

I didn't read enough, but I did read a graphic novel by Neil Gaiman and Colleen Doran, a revision of "Snow White." The illustrations are lush and dark. I can't recommend the book as some (many?) would find it offensive, but I handed it to Josh, who read it immediately. I enjoyed the challenge of a genre I rarely read.

But what has consumed most of my thoughts is Oliver's stretches. I have to stretch  his tongue up and back several times a day, so the frenulum won't reattach. We saw Cynthia, who said it looks great--better than 99% of the follow-ups she sees. I cried. It's been so hard and miserable, but it's working. She told me to keep doing whatever I'm during. This has been a major challenge for me, and I'm not done yet.

The hurricane came near, and Oliver's school closed for two days. Two days I didn't have to pull him out of class for stretches! With Labor Day, it was a short week. Oliver started to relax a bit about the stretches. No screaming or struggling, little crying. It got a little easier though he still has a strong jaw and sharp little teeth. But I'm nervous about our second follow-up, which is with Dr. M (the surgeon) herself. What will she say? Will she look at me with disdain or with an unusual smile?

In any case, we've completed two weeks of stretches. I have Band-Aids on both index fingers. That baby can bite.

Oliver's Tongue Tie Surgery.

We heard that we simply had to do it, that it would greatly improve Oliver's quality of life. I worked on it for a couple of months. Mom and Shane were with us. Oliver was missing the first two days of school.

The clinic had an amazing aquatic theme. The reception desk and nurses' station had clear, rippling waves. Sea creatures came out of the ceiling. Walls had ocean murals. Mom said that the theme was more for me than for Oliver!

Josh and I went back with Oliver. The liquid sedative was a fail, but the nurse managed a nasal spray. Oliver quickly got sluggish and silly.

Dr. M came to us quickly in the lobby. She said that the surgery went well, and she again emphasized the importance of the stretches. She looks like a child of fae or a Vulcan. And she takes her handiwork seriously.

Someone took Josh and me back. Oliver was trying to wake up but kept falling over on the bed. I asked the nurses to go over the stretch with me again. She brought over Dr. M! Embarrassing. Dr. M told me to sit in the recliner; she was going to perform the stretch on me. I said okay.

What she did was extremely painful, and my body was thinking flight. I said I did have a better sense of the stretch. Josh pointed out that I had blood in my teeth. How could I do that to Oliver?

Back home, Mom was talking about the stretching. As she spoke about it, I started swaying and tapping my nail on my teeth. She said, "Are you freaking out?" I was.

So Mom did it the first time. After Oliver cried and struggled (we all held him down), I cried on Josh. Mom came over and hugged me too. She said, "What feels heavy right now?" I liked that. "What's wrong?" would minimize the obvious. I told her I was afraid I was wrong to get the surgery, and now, I'd have to hurt him every day. But she said that watching him eat and move his tongue in his mouth made her change her mind--she did believe it was a good choice. That released a lot of my tension.

A few hours later, it was my turn. Everyone waited while I washed my hands and put on gloves. It was awful, but I did it. At least, I think I did it.

The next morning, we got a free check-up with Cynthia (faux name). She empathized the necessity of frequent stretches. I knew I was going to have to do a lot of it the stretches alone, no help.

Oliver went to school to Wednesday. I made noise until I heard Oliver's name on the radios--and suddenly, I met the principal, who was super supportive. We agreed that I'd use the med room about 10 a.m. each day.

The first day, he screamed and cried. The admin staff asked, "Is he going to do that every day?" Yep. On the second day, his lead teacher brought him to the office and held him in her lap, which helped. As soon as I started to leave, I heard, "Want Mama!" After what I'd just done, he wanted me. On Friday, we had the same arrangement, except that I'd brought some metallic vehicle stickers! He chose the ambulance, which seemed appropriate.

I can't express how horrible the stretches are. He bleeds sometimes. He usually wants a coping-strategy bath afterward. We have to do this every three hours for three weeks. I feel pretty traumatized. I just keep trying to convince myself that we did and are doing what's right for Oliver long-term.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 32.

Much of last week was terrible. Oliver had tongue-tie surgery on Monday. Mom and Shane stayed two nights to help us; thank God. The worst part has been the tongue stretches we've had to do to keep the frenulum from growing back. The whole ordeal was and continues to be a challenge.

Oliver missed two days of school but started school on Wednesday. He seemed fine. On Friday, Josh said Oliver went right to his chair. The adults asked where I was, and Josh said I was probably sleeping. Everyone gushed over how sweet he was...to take his child to school. Mmkay. Josh was not amused.

I'm awfully behind on reading, both for myself and my tiny bookclub. I feel weak from the lack of it. And I've not be writing enough. Just writing this is like cool water on my shoulders. I don't know what to request. But I know how quickly I can cease to be myself.

Another week of stretching is coming up. Can we stand it? We have to. Someday, this will seem long ago, whether we succeed or fail.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 31.

A lot happened this past week. I got my blood drawn, and my lithium level was 1.3. 1.1 is the limit. So my psychiatrist decreased my lithium by one pill daily. Okay.

And I found out that he's leaving the group! I don't know why. He gave me a form letter and three months of refills. And he smiled when I wished him luck. I never knew he had gaps in his teeth.

So I made an appointment with an older male psychiatrist with the practice. I just hope he won't make major changes. I hope Topamax really is working, and I can continue taking it.

I still didn't see my therapist. When will I? She seems to have a lot going on.

Josh's classes began. He feels behind already, and I definitely remember that feeling.

Oliver had his pre-op physical. It went fine, and Oliver held it together pretty well.

At speech and occupational therapy, the OT is showing at last. We will miss her when she leaves for three months. Oliver adores her. She told me that her temporary replacement will be Kirsten (I made up the name), whom we have not met yet.

I had a good meeting with Jessica from ABA. She seems patient and understanding, which I really need right now.

Josh's parents came to visit. Oliver had some sort of meltdown, so the visit didn't last long. Still, it started well.

I had to be brave that week. I didn't know how brave I would have to be in the coming weeks.