What I Love, Appreciate, and Admire about My Mama: Part 4.

61. She's fun to watch movies with movies with. As long as she doesn't fall asleep, she's well-engaged with the stories and characters, and we can talk about the movie afterward (I love talking about movies).
62. She asks great random questions.
63. She manages to enjoy some of my slightly questionable humor.
64. She's simply a knock-out. Don't protest, Mama. Everybody knows it's true.
65. She drives a big red truck.
66. She sometimes organizes her books by color as I do.
67. She sometimes asks me (me?!) for advice.
68. When I was pretty small and went to church camp, she sent me with little notes for each day. I treasure that memory.
69. She's so great that when I mention her to someone new, I bring the person up-to-speed with "My mom is amazing," "My mom can do anything," or "My mom is a magical person."
70. She took me to libraries.
71. When I failed a days-of-the-week spelling test and was utterly horrified, she glanced at the test and threw it in the backseat. There's that acceptance! That memory always fills me with hope.
72. She never makes me feel too old for what I enjoy, such and Disney princesses and glitter.
73. She encourages me in my friendships even if they aren't quite what she expected.
74. She has a talent for selecting wonderful birthday cards.
75. She appreciates rubber stamps.
76. She can sew and knit and all that!
77. She makes up songs on the spot.
78. She keeps art supplies in a hang-over-the-door shoe organizer.
79. She has "a room of her own" and has made it a magical place.
80. After the fire in my apartment building, the fire fighters gave Josh and Mom a few minutes inside to grab what they could. Mom grabbed a cup of my favorite pens, my makeup bag, and my glittery casual shoes. I felt seen.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 41.

This weeks are running together for me, and my dates may be off.

Oliver had OT with Miss S (beloved Miss K is on maternity leave), and that seemed to go fine. And he finally got back with Miss H for speech! He was unsure, so I went with them that first time. I was amazed at how he handled picture cards and what questions. I'm so glad that is back in place. He warmed up, so I hope he won't need me there for his next appointment.

The week was kind of quiet otherwise.

I missed one full day of scribbling. That's never good. It's not good for me and it's not a good sign.

I've been reading a big book about the film Crimson Peak. I love all the behind-the-scenes explanations, concept art or story boards, and gorgeous photos.

I wore a sweater with seahorses on it. I can be happy about that!

Bruce and I are still reading Joe Hill's 20th Century Ghosts. We'll finish it soon. The tales are strange and absorbing. Amazon is cool because if I find a book I want for our tiny book club, I can buy the ebook for myself and then send another "copy" as a gift to Bruce.

I have many little objects and actions that keep me going.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 40.

Last week, I lost 1 pound. Not much, but I didn't gain! I've doing single circuit walks around the apartment complex. My ankle and foot are tolerating it well enough. I may move up to two rounds.

Oliver's two ABA therapists came over on Tuesday, and oddly enough, I had a great time. I think I was talking too much--pressured speech with racing thoughts, probably, But I calmed down.

I've been using sheet masks. They are so fun and easy to use (though a bit slimy). My skin needs some serious help.

And it may actually be fall when we move from thinking to doing. We'll see. I'm excited about bringing out my sweaters and cardigans. Maybe I'll wear boots. I'll probably wear more jewelry. I'll work my way toward winter.

Creative Nonfiction.

The reading focus for fall has been Diaries and Memoirs. But I've decided to open that up to include creative nonfiction in general. That can include educational books such as a exploration of writers and their diaries, an introduction to Ancient Egypt, a history of fashion, a record of a film's or musical's development (yes, I own all of these books). The art is always there.

Let's see how far I can get!

Nourish/Challenge: Week 39.

Josh was off work last Tuesday, so we had some nourishing alone time.

One day, I felt so exhausted on multiple levels, so I mostly stayed in bed until it was time to pick up Oliver. I feel like a slug when I do that, but I know it's healthy for me. When my body is ready to shut down, it tells me so how ever it can. Sleep pours water on my overheating brain. So guess it's a kind of nourishment.

My reading seemed to improve. I read on my phone in the bathtub. I feel connection to words again. So I now have the challenge of reading to at least half (25 books) my annual reading goal. But really, if I'm in the practice of it, reading feeds me.

Josh and I celebrated 14 years together. Amazing.

We took Oliver to the dentist...a challenge. We ended up in a private room. Oliver was much more upset that he's been in the past. I think he was sick of people messing with his mouth. The dentist came in, and he was amazing. He was so quick with the little mirror...maybe 60 seconds. He said Oliver had no cavities and that he had some reattachment but still had good tongue mobility. He said he wouldn't do anything else to it. The end of stretching and massages! Before I woke up the next day, Josh had put away all the tools that were on our kitchen counter--gloves, gauze, bite block, all of it. I could take a deep breath.

Oliver still loves to shred magazines. I've gone through a lot of my backlog. I read or look at a magazine and then tear off pages for Oliver as I go.

The guys did some traveling, so I took care of their cats, and one decided to adore me again. The purring and nudges and belly displays seemed to slow down my heart and breath.

The guys also took me to see the new Maleficent movie. I liked it! It's just beautiful to look at.

Bruce and I went to Barnes and 2nd and Charles. I needed books to surround me. He gets that.

So that was a special week--more nourishment than challenge!

What I Love, Appreciate, and Admire about My Mama: Part 3.

41. She's highly observant.
42. She's always aware of my primary love language.
43. She's always been brilliant at balancing professionalism and sass in her clothes.
44. She introduced me to toast with butter and cinnamon sugar, often all I can eat when I'm sick.
45. When I first started teaching, she made sure I had clothes by lending or giving me some of hers, going with me to shop, and giving me essentials for Christmas (black blazer, black round-toe heels...).
46. She has great ambition that has morphed over time.
47. She wanted me even though she was very young.
48. She knows the names of most flowers.
49. She has fun with me at Ulta and Sephora. You could say we like makeup.
50. She acknowledges the presence of multiple or obvious problems by saying, "What feels heavy right now?"
51. She loves ballet.
52. She can dance. My brother and I jump in sometimes.
53. She has no trouble talking to anyone.
54. She went to Disney World with her cousin and brought back for me a pen full of pink crystals. Perfect.
55. I always bring this up, but she bought me a notebook when I was stuck without one on a business trip with my dad. I was maybe ten years old. I felt like I was drowning without a notebook. She saved me.
56. She appreciates fairies and mermaids.
57. Out of heartbreak, she made Pansy Cottage a sweet, lovely home for herself and James. I always felt lighter there.
58. She took care of Oliver, so Josh and I could disappear for a few days for the first time.
59. She takes her healthcare seriously.
60. She is physically strong.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 38.

I finished gobbling a big book about one of my new favorite movies. I loved the concept art and story boards.

I had a great meeting with Oliver's BCBA (Board Certified Behavior Analyst). We laugh and swap Oliver stories. I feel so blessed that we have such a good team right now. Knowing that fills me.

We had a parent-teacher conference; I anticipated a challenge. But it wasn't as stressful as I expected. But the news was hard to hear, and I worry about Oliver's progress. His teacher told us not to add any stress for Oliver since he has school and so much therapy. Still, we told stories and laughed.

My ankle and foot are still swollen and still hurt. My goal is to walk around the apartment complex at least once and see what I can do without hurting myself. I'll build up the challenge from there.

I finished watching The Politician with the guys. I just love Ben Platt. And more is due in summer! I'll have to obsess over something else until then!

What I Love, Appreciate, and Admire about My Mama: Part 2.

21. She calms me and helps me see problems and solutions more clearly when I'm too panicked or confused to figure out my next move.

22. She loves Sleeping Beauty. We need to watch it together.

23. She accepts me even when she doesn't understand me.

24. She has researched, read books, and gone to classes to better understand the illness I share with other close relatives.

25. She cleans so quickly and (seemingly) easily.

26. She cuts and dyes my hair. It always feels like a bonding experience, and it's free!

27. She seems to have a talent for everything she tries.

28. She draws beautifully. I'd like to see her draw more.

29. She appreciates paper dolls.

30. She loves Madame Alexander dolls.

31. Her clothes or accessories always have unique touches.

32. When I was a high school junior, she said, "Maybe you don't need to go to college. Maybe you need to try to get a [literary] agent." I didn't go in that direction then, but I felt so accepted and validated. She took my writing seriously.

33. She can usually answer medical questions.

34. She can tell when I'm in a mood swing or starting a panic attack, sometimes before I can tell what's wrong.

35. She knows when to say, "That's the illness talking," or "Your brain is lying to you." Somehow, when I'm in a really bad place, that doesn't even occur to me.

36. Several years ago now, she said, "Maybe going off the meds shouldn't be your goal." Such weight lifted! She accepted that I was ill (we didn't yet know how ill), and she was going to encourage me to seek treatment and maintain it. For me, it changed our relationship, and it changed my life.

37. All shoes look good on her.

38. When something difficult is happening, she comes here to help me.

39. She helped me to get Oliver into Pre-K and to get his autism diagnosis.

40. She picks up where I run out of words.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 37.

This past week, Oliver turned eight! That seems crazy. Sometimes, I feel stunned because he is so perfect. I never get sad about this challenges (and the resulting challenges for Josh and me) for long because Oliver is just so happy. He smiles, giggles, sings, and jumps.

The first time I held him, he looked at me as if to say, "Don't worry, Mama. I'm okay, and you'll be okay."

We've used my dad's old backpack as a diaper bag of sorts for years. It's been on many adventures...it just needed some staples. But Dad sent us another! The pockets were stuffed with cards and little gifts for Oliver's birthday. I wonder what this new backpack will see.

I got sick (flu? depression?) and slept through most of Thursday. Sometimes, I have to let sleep nourish me, seeing it as a necessary tool rather than something lazy and selfish.

We saw the surgeon. You can read about the all that here and here. But the overview is that we're done with the surgeon and the stretches. I'll keep doing scar massages when it makes sense for my family. No more pulling him out of class, waking him in the middle of the night, or rushing through a session in the parked car. So that was a gigantic challenge to overcome.

I got so excited about The Politician, a new Netflix show starring the wonderful Ben Platt. I've watched three episodes with Bruce and Corey; I can't wait for more.

And on Saturday, the new Broadway season began at our theatre with Aladdin! I loved the sparkling costumes, the choreography (Disney seems to like throwing in a little tap dancing), and several new songs. Bruce had already seen it--on Broadway!

My dearest friend is facing something terrible with her mother, who is also my mother's best friend. We're all tied up together in this, hurting for each other and hurting alone. Pour out your prayers and love--whenever good you've got.

What I Love, Appreciate, and Admire about My Mama: Part 1.

1. She is courageous, facing fear and heartbreak with all her strength and faith.
2. She connects easily with children, whether or not she knows them.
3. She has beautiful handwriting. It's soothing in a card from her.
4. She has a wonderful facial expression when she's happily surprised.
5. She has shared with me so many childhood books and series, such as A is for Annabelle, A Wrinkle in Time, The Chronicles of Narnia, A Little Princess, The Secret Garden, The Borrowers, and more.
6. She simply has a great passion for reading, and she encouraged that in me, which of course completely changed my life.
7. She enjoy sci-fi and has shared shows and movies with me, sometimes past my bed time!
8. She homeschooled me for 7 years. She recognized that regular school was killing me, and she ignored the people who thought they knew better.
9. She signs her name beautifully.
10. She likes Patty Loveless.
11. If I ask, I know she will give me the hard truth.
12. I know her compliments and encouragement are genuine.
13. We laugh together so much.
14. She adopted rabbits!
15. She makes this incredible crab dip. Just thinking about it makes me salivate, and I rarely salivate on my meds.
16. She holds onto her childhood traditions like "Christmas Eve Gift" and tiny wrapped gifts in stockings.
17. She's an amazing cook.
18. She makes heavenly spaghetti.
19. She always has some diet soda for Josh when we visit.
20. We banded together during some of the worst times in our lives.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 36.

Oliver's birthday was last Wednesday. He's 8 years old! We didn't have much planned for the actual day; Josh was working late, and Oliver didn't seem to care much. But as we were driving home from OT, I turned in to Sonic.

Oliver: Want ice cream.
Me: We're going to get some.

So I ordered cherry Sprite, 2 plain hot dogs, and 2 mini Reeses Blasts. It was a pretty good birthday feast.

So on Saturday, we drove to the transportation museum in Spencer to see Thomas and all six grandparental units. We rode the train, checked out other vehicles, bought presents from the gift shop--difficult when your child doesn't play with toys much. Mom helped me find gifts for Oliver--a fleecy blanket, a red tee showing Thomas having different emotions, and a mug Oliver can drink his milk from. I found a copy of Goodnight, North Carolina, which Oliver loved until he shredded it. I bought it thinking we could try again...and keep the book out of reach when we're not reading it to Oliver. The day went by well.

I've been reading a little more, and I'm rebuilding that connection to words on a page. Bruce and I finished All Out, our 26th book. And we started a book of stories by Joe Hill, whom my brother, James, recommended to me. It's wild so far.

Bruce traded his car for a bit of an upgrade. It's lovely, and I look forward to my next ride to DPAC for Aladdin. 

On Tuesdays, I've been going to the school to take care of Oliver at 10 and having a meeting with the ABA supervisor at 11. I ended up with half an hour or so. One week, I went to Barnes and found a beautiful journal with a mama and a baby unicorn. I didn't even have to look to see that it came from my favorite journal publisher, Peter Pauper Press.

Another Tuesday, I went to Ulta. I didn't buy anything, but I covered my arms with glitters for about 20 minutes--a great way to use my time! Glitter always feels nourishing to me, wherever it is but especially when I wear it.

Oliver's Last Appointment.

A lot of people have been thinking about my baby over the last few weeks. The Tongue Tie Era has been pretty terrible.

But now, we're done.

We (Oliver, Mom, Josh, and I) went to a follow-up with Dr. M a couple of weeks after the surgery. She told us that the tissue was reattaching, and we had a small window to fix it. She was also unkind, cruel, condescending, and borderline hateful. We were all stunned. But I did as she said, and I often saw blood, which is supposed to indicate that the reconnecting fibers are breaking. It was horrible.

Last week, we saw Cynthia, and she said that the wound had healed. She said she could see where it had started to reattach, but it wasn't reattached anymore. I'd done something right--I had broken the reattachment! So Cynthia showed us how to do scar massages. I asked if we would do them every three hours, and she said that every six hours, four times a day, was enough. Wow! Oliver eventually realized that I was doing something different and significantly less painful, and he cooperated more. I stopped pulling him out of class, and I only woke him once in the night.

But Oliver and I had an appointment this week. Just him and me. With Dr. M.

I made up my mind to be friendly. I told her about Cynthia and the scar massages. Dr. M told me that she saw significant but incomplete reattachment. But she was calling Oliver sweetheart in a non-condescending way, and she was gentle even as she pried his strong jaws open. She got points for that.

"I'm hearing that you don't want to do the stretches anymore, that you just want to do the scar massage." My automatic response was to agree with whatever she wanted me to do. But I didn't. I saw, "Yes."

She didn't really challenge me. So even if I didn't feel so confident, I must have appeared so. She did some minor origami (for the third or fourth time since I met her) so show how the wound looked after the surgery and how it looked now. I nodded politely, thinking If you show me that paper thing one more time, I'm going to lose my mind.

So she said our next appointment would be...

In six months with our "dental home."  She shook my hand and thanked me for my patience.

So no more procedures at school, in the car, or in the middle of the night. I'm going to do the scar massages when it makes sense for my family. And we don't have to see that doctor anymore.

And right before and right after all this, Oliver was smiling and skipping around. He doesn't let anything steal his joy for long.