Nourish/Challenge: Week 50.

A highlight of the week was the Christmas celebration with Josh's family. I wore a distressed-gold-sequin jacket. Sparkle makes me more cheerful and confident, as did my mom-in-law's noticing that I'd lost more weight.

The food was excellent. I took advantage of the deviled eggs and shrimp cocktail. And Cherry 7-Up! And I'd been looking forward to Susan's homemade cheesecake! No seconds though.

Josh and I gave our nephew, Harrison, some toy dinosaurs. We thought he would blast off through the ceiling as he shook and declared, "DINOS!!!" I wish we could delight Oliver so effectively! Harrison talked easily and followed Oliver, his quieter cousin, around a bit.

My sister-in-law Sarah made us wish bracelets with a careful choice of colors. We gave photo-rich travel books to Greg and a collection of Bath and Body Works potions in Rose Water and Ivy to Susan. I received a pink fairy candle, Raspberry Sugar body wash, books, and a journal from (who else?) Peter Pauper Press! Someone has been paying attention to my blog!

Apart from throwing one picture frame in the toilet (not a metaphor), Oliver did well. We managed to stay for about three hours! Amazing!

Most social situations are a challenge for me. But I felt...included. I suggested that we take a photo of the sisters. I tried, and I could feel everyone else trying. But really, it was pretty easy, even nourishing.

What Will Be the Word of the Year for 2020?

Have you chosen your word? Choose wisely; this word will be a part of your mind and heart for a whole year (at least!).

I chose my word weeks ago, but I'm not revealing it until New Year's Day. I have decided not to use the weekly update format. I'm going to let the word seep into what I'm already writing. I'm excited.

And I can't wait to find out what your word of the year will be!

Nourish/Challenge: Week 49.

Josh and I finally wrapped gifts. I brought out all the good wrapping, boxes, and bags I could find.

Bruce had taken me to Target, where I bought wrapping including a gorgeous dark blue metallic roll with little glittery ballerina fairies. Perfect. I also got some final gifts and a pair of soft pink pajamas with white reindeer. I've started buying myself pajamas each Christmas.

Bruce and I exchanged gifts. We usually give each other many little gifts. My favorite from him was a blanket--fleecey white on one side and gray with bitsy silver stars on the other.

We kept reading and enjoying Heart-Shaped Box. I feel that my heart for reading has largely recovered--a precious Christmas present.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 48.

I've started to have Christmas thoughts. Josh officially started the season with the first song (starting with three chimes) on Aaron Neville's Soulful Christmas album. The music is a tradition from my family. Perfect. We need to play it more, along with James Taylor's Christmas album, which Josh and I discovered together.

I've been feeling separate from poetry and not just because I'm not writing it. I'm trying to read it silently again. I did finish Joseph Bathanti's Restoring Sacred Art and give it 5 stars on GoodReads.

Oliver had a week of good drop-offs at school. Crowds and rain kept me from getting a report after the last couple days of last week.

I finished Mark Vonnegut's (yes, his son) memoir. It seemed to be about mental illness, but it didn't stay there.

Bruce took me to see Frozen II, which I liked a lot. It was a bit dark. I liked some of the new songs. I think that I like Anna best more and more, but I'm more and more like Elsa. That could be its own post.

I've been enjoying books for our tiny book club. I have a few waiting. Bruce says he doesn't mind my choosing the books for now. We love discovering movies, shows, and books together.

It was mostly a nourishing week. I am challenging myself to stay with poetry and to read as much of it as possible before the year ends.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 47.

I had a wonderful, nourishing moment while I was lying down: I had a whole hour ahead in which to read. I was able to get lost in the book. If felt like a luxury, but I know it was also healthy for me.

Bruce and I finished Athena's Choice. It was surprisingly unique and thought-provoking. And we've begun Heart-Shaped Box, a novel that my brother, James, recommended to me. This will be Tiny Book Club pick #28. I've received a lot of nourishment and many challenges from those books, and I love having my best friend to walk though them with me.

Bruce told me a new Little Women movie is coming out on Christmas! The trailer looks good. I'm impressed with some of the cast. Mom said we'll sneak away on Christmas to see the movie. I can't wait! I adore the Winona Ryder version, and I think I may have seen it on Christmas too.

One evening, Bruce and I didn't watch shows or a movie. We watched a few Honest Trailers and just talked, catching up. That fills me.

I began reading IT. Somehow, the length doesn't seem so overwhelming on my phone as it does in physical book form. I think it's going to draw me in, challenging me turn by turn. I stayed up late reading--when did I last do that?

Nourish/Challenge: Week 46.

Time is confusing me. I look at my Google calendar and at the sticky notes in my journal many times a day. Maybe I can start the new year better-oriented.

Thanksgiving was lovely. Josh kept watch over Oliver, so I could talk and listen. James came over and made me laugh as usual. We sat with Mom and Shane around an outdoor fire. I enjoyed the food but didn't overeat--a delicate skill.

At home, I tried to read poetry for an hour. It should have been easier than it was. I'll keep trying.

While Oliver is in the bathroom, I now do wall push-ups, squats, and side bends. I need the exercise, and I want to use the time.

I took a morning bath and loved it. Sometimes just moving an indulgence a bit renews the luxury.

I challenged myself, but nourishment was right there on my path too.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 45.

This past week, I was responsible and got a flu shot. The next day, I felt horrible. The air touching me hurt. I stayed in bed. I couldn't even read. But avoiding the full-on flu is worth that.

I finally received my pre-ordered copy of Strange Planet by Nathan Pyle. It made me laugh out loud many times. I finished it over two days. Count it!

I've also been reading Restoring Sacred Art by our dear friend Joseph Bathanti. I read the poems aloud, some of which I've heard at his readings, and I can almost hear him. Poems, even the tough ones, almost always nourish me.

So I wonder, when will I write another poem?

Nourish/Challenge: Week 44.

Only about eight weeks remain in this year. I'll soon be working with my new word-of-the-year. But I'm going to pack a lot of life into those remaining weeks.

So I've began thinking about Christmas a little. Cinnamon, one of my favorite scents, everywhere. Fireside talks, Glitter glacial blue frosty mini trees. I try to squeeze as much joy as I can out of the holiday. Why not? Extra glitter and snowflakes nourish me. Friends and family have often given me special snowflake ornaments.

I've started wearing my big lilac coat again. I love the coat--it's pretty, and it keeps the cold bearable. Being wrapped up warm is a kind of nourishment.

One of Oliver's therapists is pregnant. Another recently had a baby. I'm happy for them, but I worry about Oliver's team. But we've gotten through challenging changes before.

Recently, I was making Oliver's bed. He started jumping on it. I told him to get down because I was making his bed. He got down, found the two pillows that are usually on his bed, and put them in the right place on the bed. That was such a surprise! Definitely a nourishing moment.

And I've been reading more! I'm still not quick, but I can connect to a story and let it wash over me. It's a challenge, and it fills me. I've actually stayed up late reading some nights.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 43.

I'm running out of time. So much to do before the year ends! Challenges loom.

Oliver has been fine at school. I think he and Mr. C are getting used to each other.

In the waiting room at one of O's therapy places, other moms talked about pregnancy, and I actually chimed in! Bizarre.

Bruce and I finished reading 20th Century Ghosts, and we plan to read one of Joe Hill's novels soon.

I finished three books in one day! That felt great. I felt like myself. I read a novella by Joyce Carol Oates, Black Water, and it was disturbing as much of her work seems to be. Keep it coming. Josh checked it out at the college library and read it, and I asked to read it too. Our reading tastes don't often overlap.

Bruce and I went to the theatre to see A Bronx Tale. As usual, we arrived early, and Bruce got us sodas and snacks (soft pretzel, cheese, fruit). The show wasn't a favorite, but I liked the choreography. I wore a burgundy dress with black floral print, a black cardigan with rhinestone buttons, black sweater tights, black Mary Janes, and my black cape. I love seeing what other people have chosen to wear.

What I Love, Appreciate, and Admire about My Mama: Part 5.

81. She homeschooled me for several years so we could travel with my dad and because I wasn't surviving in school.
82. She created assignments that corresponded with my interests (/obsessions).
83. You could say she likes butter.
84. She has cleaned up my post-surgery vomit and eaten soup immediately afterward.
85. She held a newborn Oliver against my face when I was too weak and encumbered to hold him close. That was the first time I really got to smell him, and I could feel the chemicals in my brain going wild--a this is my baby moment.
86. She accepted the vital task of rubbing my lower back while I was in labor. It must have been exhausting.
87. She encourages me to give myself more grace than judgment.
88. The sound of her voice cracks open whatever i'm trying to deal with in silence. So I cry, which I probably need to do.
89. If I say I may need to go to the mental health ER, she acts fine with it, encouraging me to go on and do what is healthy for me right then or to find someone who can help me figure out what that is.
90. She lights up when she sees me. It's mostly for Oliver but not all.
91. When I was a preteen and teenager, I had extreme acne, and she took treating it seriously.
92. She always finds something to compliment or praise.
93. She tired ribbons around my wrists as bracelets when I wanted to play Snow White.
94. She let me dress up and pretend to be Cinderella when I cleaned the house.
95. We couldn't avoid a museum exhibit of taxidermy animals in imitations of their normal environments. Mom remembered that I'm terrified of that kind of display. She didn't tell me to get it together. She told me to hold onto James's stroller and close my eyes; she led me through. It's one of the best kindnesses anyone has ever shown me.
96. She never tried to ground me from reading or writing. I guess she knew I'd fall apart.
97. She can tell if I'm too nervous, too overwhelmed, or too scared.
98. She went dress shopping with me before I married Josh. She found the perfect earrings for me and the perfect tie for Josh.
99. She loves blow fish.
100. She is the bravest person I've ever known.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 42.

Time is bending and swirling for me. Dates confuse me. But I'll keep trying to tell the stories.

This past week, I got a lot of great time with Josh. We had time on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. We laugh and watch silly videos together. We clean and nap.

I've been trying to stay on track with Google Calendar and bright pink sticky lists. Pink has recently become quite important, even nourishing.

Oliver did fine in speech therapy. He had no trouble going with Ms. H. Whew. He has also been more affectionate lately. I'm not sure why unless it's just because it's that he feels better after his frenectomy. But I'm just so excited that he lets me hug and kiss him.

And our BCBA is so great; she and I meet for about an hour once a week. I'm amazed that she takes the time for that. Apparently, she's amazed that I take the time! It started as a challenge, but now, it's a relief.

What I Love, Appreciate, and Admire about My Mama: Part 4.

61. She's fun to watch movies with movies with. As long as she doesn't fall asleep, she's well-engaged with the stories and characters, and we can talk about the movie afterward (I love talking about movies).
62. She asks great random questions.
63. She manages to enjoy some of my slightly questionable humor.
64. She's simply a knock-out. Don't protest, Mama. Everybody knows it's true.
65. She drives a big red truck.
66. She sometimes organizes her books by color as I do.
67. She sometimes asks me (me?!) for advice.
68. When I was pretty small and went to church camp, she sent me with little notes for each day. I treasure that memory.
69. She's so great that when I mention her to someone new, I bring the person up-to-speed with "My mom is amazing," "My mom can do anything," or "My mom is a magical person."
70. She took me to libraries.
71. When I failed a days-of-the-week spelling test and was utterly horrified, she glanced at the test and threw it in the backseat. There's that acceptance! That memory always fills me with hope.
72. She never makes me feel too old for what I enjoy, such and Disney princesses and glitter.
73. She encourages me in my friendships even if they aren't quite what she expected.
74. She has a talent for selecting wonderful birthday cards.
75. She appreciates rubber stamps.
76. She can sew and knit and all that!
77. She makes up songs on the spot.
78. She keeps art supplies in a hang-over-the-door shoe organizer.
79. She has "a room of her own" and has made it a magical place.
80. After the fire in my apartment building, the fire fighters gave Josh and Mom a few minutes inside to grab what they could. Mom grabbed a cup of my favorite pens, my makeup bag, and my glittery casual shoes. I felt seen.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 41.

This weeks are running together for me, and my dates may be off.

Oliver had OT with Miss S (beloved Miss K is on maternity leave), and that seemed to go fine. And he finally got back with Miss H for speech! He was unsure, so I went with them that first time. I was amazed at how he handled picture cards and what questions. I'm so glad that is back in place. He warmed up, so I hope he won't need me there for his next appointment.

The week was kind of quiet otherwise.

I missed one full day of scribbling. That's never good. It's not good for me and it's not a good sign.

I've been reading a big book about the film Crimson Peak. I love all the behind-the-scenes explanations, concept art or story boards, and gorgeous photos.

I wore a sweater with seahorses on it. I can be happy about that!

Bruce and I are still reading Joe Hill's 20th Century Ghosts. We'll finish it soon. The tales are strange and absorbing. Amazon is cool because if I find a book I want for our tiny book club, I can buy the ebook for myself and then send another "copy" as a gift to Bruce.

I have many little objects and actions that keep me going.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 40.

Last week, I lost 1 pound. Not much, but I didn't gain! I've doing single circuit walks around the apartment complex. My ankle and foot are tolerating it well enough. I may move up to two rounds.

Oliver's two ABA therapists came over on Tuesday, and oddly enough, I had a great time. I think I was talking too much--pressured speech with racing thoughts, probably, But I calmed down.

I've been using sheet masks. They are so fun and easy to use (though a bit slimy). My skin needs some serious help.

And it may actually be fall when we move from thinking to doing. We'll see. I'm excited about bringing out my sweaters and cardigans. Maybe I'll wear boots. I'll probably wear more jewelry. I'll work my way toward winter.

Creative Nonfiction.

The reading focus for fall has been Diaries and Memoirs. But I've decided to open that up to include creative nonfiction in general. That can include educational books such as a exploration of writers and their diaries, an introduction to Ancient Egypt, a history of fashion, a record of a film's or musical's development (yes, I own all of these books). The art is always there.

Let's see how far I can get!

Nourish/Challenge: Week 39.

Josh was off work last Tuesday, so we had some nourishing alone time.

One day, I felt so exhausted on multiple levels, so I mostly stayed in bed until it was time to pick up Oliver. I feel like a slug when I do that, but I know it's healthy for me. When my body is ready to shut down, it tells me so how ever it can. Sleep pours water on my overheating brain. So guess it's a kind of nourishment.

My reading seemed to improve. I read on my phone in the bathtub. I feel connection to words again. So I now have the challenge of reading to at least half (25 books) my annual reading goal. But really, if I'm in the practice of it, reading feeds me.

Josh and I celebrated 14 years together. Amazing.

We took Oliver to the dentist...a challenge. We ended up in a private room. Oliver was much more upset that he's been in the past. I think he was sick of people messing with his mouth. The dentist came in, and he was amazing. He was so quick with the little mirror...maybe 60 seconds. He said Oliver had no cavities and that he had some reattachment but still had good tongue mobility. He said he wouldn't do anything else to it. The end of stretching and massages! Before I woke up the next day, Josh had put away all the tools that were on our kitchen counter--gloves, gauze, bite block, all of it. I could take a deep breath.

Oliver still loves to shred magazines. I've gone through a lot of my backlog. I read or look at a magazine and then tear off pages for Oliver as I go.

The guys did some traveling, so I took care of their cats, and one decided to adore me again. The purring and nudges and belly displays seemed to slow down my heart and breath.

The guys also took me to see the new Maleficent movie. I liked it! It's just beautiful to look at.

Bruce and I went to Barnes and 2nd and Charles. I needed books to surround me. He gets that.

So that was a special week--more nourishment than challenge!

What I Love, Appreciate, and Admire about My Mama: Part 3.

41. She's highly observant.
42. She's always aware of my primary love language.
43. She's always been brilliant at balancing professionalism and sass in her clothes.
44. She introduced me to toast with butter and cinnamon sugar, often all I can eat when I'm sick.
45. When I first started teaching, she made sure I had clothes by lending or giving me some of hers, going with me to shop, and giving me essentials for Christmas (black blazer, black round-toe heels...).
46. She has great ambition that has morphed over time.
47. She wanted me even though she was very young.
48. She knows the names of most flowers.
49. She has fun with me at Ulta and Sephora. You could say we like makeup.
50. She acknowledges the presence of multiple or obvious problems by saying, "What feels heavy right now?"
51. She loves ballet.
52. She can dance. My brother and I jump in sometimes.
53. She has no trouble talking to anyone.
54. She went to Disney World with her cousin and brought back for me a pen full of pink crystals. Perfect.
55. I always bring this up, but she bought me a notebook when I was stuck without one on a business trip with my dad. I was maybe ten years old. I felt like I was drowning without a notebook. She saved me.
56. She appreciates fairies and mermaids.
57. Out of heartbreak, she made Pansy Cottage a sweet, lovely home for herself and James. I always felt lighter there.
58. She took care of Oliver, so Josh and I could disappear for a few days for the first time.
59. She takes her healthcare seriously.
60. She is physically strong.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 38.

I finished gobbling a big book about one of my new favorite movies. I loved the concept art and story boards.

I had a great meeting with Oliver's BCBA (Board Certified Behavior Analyst). We laugh and swap Oliver stories. I feel so blessed that we have such a good team right now. Knowing that fills me.

We had a parent-teacher conference; I anticipated a challenge. But it wasn't as stressful as I expected. But the news was hard to hear, and I worry about Oliver's progress. His teacher told us not to add any stress for Oliver since he has school and so much therapy. Still, we told stories and laughed.

My ankle and foot are still swollen and still hurt. My goal is to walk around the apartment complex at least once and see what I can do without hurting myself. I'll build up the challenge from there.

I finished watching The Politician with the guys. I just love Ben Platt. And more is due in summer! I'll have to obsess over something else until then!

What I Love, Appreciate, and Admire about My Mama: Part 2.

21. She calms me and helps me see problems and solutions more clearly when I'm too panicked or confused to figure out my next move.

22. She loves Sleeping Beauty. We need to watch it together.

23. She accepts me even when she doesn't understand me.

24. She has researched, read books, and gone to classes to better understand the illness I share with other close relatives.

25. She cleans so quickly and (seemingly) easily.

26. She cuts and dyes my hair. It always feels like a bonding experience, and it's free!

27. She seems to have a talent for everything she tries.

28. She draws beautifully. I'd like to see her draw more.

29. She appreciates paper dolls.

30. She loves Madame Alexander dolls.

31. Her clothes or accessories always have unique touches.

32. When I was a high school junior, she said, "Maybe you don't need to go to college. Maybe you need to try to get a [literary] agent." I didn't go in that direction then, but I felt so accepted and validated. She took my writing seriously.

33. She can usually answer medical questions.

34. She can tell when I'm in a mood swing or starting a panic attack, sometimes before I can tell what's wrong.

35. She knows when to say, "That's the illness talking," or "Your brain is lying to you." Somehow, when I'm in a really bad place, that doesn't even occur to me.

36. Several years ago now, she said, "Maybe going off the meds shouldn't be your goal." Such weight lifted! She accepted that I was ill (we didn't yet know how ill), and she was going to encourage me to seek treatment and maintain it. For me, it changed our relationship, and it changed my life.

37. All shoes look good on her.

38. When something difficult is happening, she comes here to help me.

39. She helped me to get Oliver into Pre-K and to get his autism diagnosis.

40. She picks up where I run out of words.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 37.

This past week, Oliver turned eight! That seems crazy. Sometimes, I feel stunned because he is so perfect. I never get sad about this challenges (and the resulting challenges for Josh and me) for long because Oliver is just so happy. He smiles, giggles, sings, and jumps.

The first time I held him, he looked at me as if to say, "Don't worry, Mama. I'm okay, and you'll be okay."

We've used my dad's old backpack as a diaper bag of sorts for years. It's been on many adventures...it just needed some staples. But Dad sent us another! The pockets were stuffed with cards and little gifts for Oliver's birthday. I wonder what this new backpack will see.

I got sick (flu? depression?) and slept through most of Thursday. Sometimes, I have to let sleep nourish me, seeing it as a necessary tool rather than something lazy and selfish.

We saw the surgeon. You can read about the all that here and here. But the overview is that we're done with the surgeon and the stretches. I'll keep doing scar massages when it makes sense for my family. No more pulling him out of class, waking him in the middle of the night, or rushing through a session in the parked car. So that was a gigantic challenge to overcome.

I got so excited about The Politician, a new Netflix show starring the wonderful Ben Platt. I've watched three episodes with Bruce and Corey; I can't wait for more.

And on Saturday, the new Broadway season began at our theatre with Aladdin! I loved the sparkling costumes, the choreography (Disney seems to like throwing in a little tap dancing), and several new songs. Bruce had already seen it--on Broadway!

My dearest friend is facing something terrible with her mother, who is also my mother's best friend. We're all tied up together in this, hurting for each other and hurting alone. Pour out your prayers and love--whenever good you've got.

What I Love, Appreciate, and Admire about My Mama: Part 1.

1. She is courageous, facing fear and heartbreak with all her strength and faith.
2. She connects easily with children, whether or not she knows them.
3. She has beautiful handwriting. It's soothing in a card from her.
4. She has a wonderful facial expression when she's happily surprised.
5. She has shared with me so many childhood books and series, such as A is for Annabelle, A Wrinkle in Time, The Chronicles of Narnia, A Little Princess, The Secret Garden, The Borrowers, and more.
6. She simply has a great passion for reading, and she encouraged that in me, which of course completely changed my life.
7. She enjoy sci-fi and has shared shows and movies with me, sometimes past my bed time!
8. She homeschooled me for 7 years. She recognized that regular school was killing me, and she ignored the people who thought they knew better.
9. She signs her name beautifully.
10. She likes Patty Loveless.
11. If I ask, I know she will give me the hard truth.
12. I know her compliments and encouragement are genuine.
13. We laugh together so much.
14. She adopted rabbits!
15. She makes this incredible crab dip. Just thinking about it makes me salivate, and I rarely salivate on my meds.
16. She holds onto her childhood traditions like "Christmas Eve Gift" and tiny wrapped gifts in stockings.
17. She's an amazing cook.
18. She makes heavenly spaghetti.
19. She always has some diet soda for Josh when we visit.
20. We banded together during some of the worst times in our lives.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 36.

Oliver's birthday was last Wednesday. He's 8 years old! We didn't have much planned for the actual day; Josh was working late, and Oliver didn't seem to care much. But as we were driving home from OT, I turned in to Sonic.

Oliver: Want ice cream.
Me: We're going to get some.

So I ordered cherry Sprite, 2 plain hot dogs, and 2 mini Reeses Blasts. It was a pretty good birthday feast.

So on Saturday, we drove to the transportation museum in Spencer to see Thomas and all six grandparental units. We rode the train, checked out other vehicles, bought presents from the gift shop--difficult when your child doesn't play with toys much. Mom helped me find gifts for Oliver--a fleecy blanket, a red tee showing Thomas having different emotions, and a mug Oliver can drink his milk from. I found a copy of Goodnight, North Carolina, which Oliver loved until he shredded it. I bought it thinking we could try again...and keep the book out of reach when we're not reading it to Oliver. The day went by well.

I've been reading a little more, and I'm rebuilding that connection to words on a page. Bruce and I finished All Out, our 26th book. And we started a book of stories by Joe Hill, whom my brother, James, recommended to me. It's wild so far.

Bruce traded his car for a bit of an upgrade. It's lovely, and I look forward to my next ride to DPAC for Aladdin. 

On Tuesdays, I've been going to the school to take care of Oliver at 10 and having a meeting with the ABA supervisor at 11. I ended up with half an hour or so. One week, I went to Barnes and found a beautiful journal with a mama and a baby unicorn. I didn't even have to look to see that it came from my favorite journal publisher, Peter Pauper Press.

Another Tuesday, I went to Ulta. I didn't buy anything, but I covered my arms with glitters for about 20 minutes--a great way to use my time! Glitter always feels nourishing to me, wherever it is but especially when I wear it.

Oliver's Last Appointment.

A lot of people have been thinking about my baby over the last few weeks. The Tongue Tie Era has been pretty terrible.

But now, we're done.

We (Oliver, Mom, Josh, and I) went to a follow-up with Dr. M a couple of weeks after the surgery. She told us that the tissue was reattaching, and we had a small window to fix it. She was also unkind, cruel, condescending, and borderline hateful. We were all stunned. But I did as she said, and I often saw blood, which is supposed to indicate that the reconnecting fibers are breaking. It was horrible.

Last week, we saw Cynthia, and she said that the wound had healed. She said she could see where it had started to reattach, but it wasn't reattached anymore. I'd done something right--I had broken the reattachment! So Cynthia showed us how to do scar massages. I asked if we would do them every three hours, and she said that every six hours, four times a day, was enough. Wow! Oliver eventually realized that I was doing something different and significantly less painful, and he cooperated more. I stopped pulling him out of class, and I only woke him once in the night.

But Oliver and I had an appointment this week. Just him and me. With Dr. M.

I made up my mind to be friendly. I told her about Cynthia and the scar massages. Dr. M told me that she saw significant but incomplete reattachment. But she was calling Oliver sweetheart in a non-condescending way, and she was gentle even as she pried his strong jaws open. She got points for that.

"I'm hearing that you don't want to do the stretches anymore, that you just want to do the scar massage." My automatic response was to agree with whatever she wanted me to do. But I didn't. I saw, "Yes."

She didn't really challenge me. So even if I didn't feel so confident, I must have appeared so. She did some minor origami (for the third or fourth time since I met her) so show how the wound looked after the surgery and how it looked now. I nodded politely, thinking If you show me that paper thing one more time, I'm going to lose my mind.

So she said our next appointment would be...

In six months with our "dental home."  She shook my hand and thanked me for my patience.

So no more procedures at school, in the car, or in the middle of the night. I'm going to do the scar massages when it makes sense for my family. And we don't have to see that doctor anymore.

And right before and right after all this, Oliver was smiling and skipping around. He doesn't let anything steal his joy for long.

In Praise of Scribbling.

When I was a young teenager, I was looking at Barnes and Noble's reference section, where the books on writing waited. I happened upon Natalie Goldberg's Writing down the Bones.

I'm serious when I say that the book changed my life. Goldberg looks at writing as a practice. She fills mountains of spiral notebooks, often writing in timed, no-pause writing sessions alone or with others. I call this kind of writing scribbling. It usually has no particular direction. It is not product writing (though poems, stories, blog posts, and more can begin in a scribble session).

My students hated "scribbles," at first: 10 minutes of writing, 5 minute break, x3. But a few came to me later to say how much the scribbles eased their stress and helped them learn to express themselves. I wrote right along with them, usually in a "work journal," a spiral or composition book. I used scribbling to push through the day, especially as I became increasingly sick.

Unlike Goldberg, I choose to do my scribbling in beautiful journals. I don't mind filling them with complaints and nonsense. Each journal is a hybrid of the traditional diary and (more so) Goldberg's notebooks. I use a rainbow of pens shades and finishes, but a hotel room ballpoint will do just fine.

Scribbling helps me stay sane, and I believe it makes me a better writer.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 35.

I have a Decomposition spiral notebook with mermaids on it. I'm using it for random notes that I don't initially put in my journal or on one of the blogs. I've started a to-do wish list for the month. It's all spread out, so I can see where I'm trying to go, but I don't have to do it all in a day or a week. The list harnesses some of my challenges.

I lost 3 pounds! That's 16 pounds total in maybe six weeks. I'm excited and grateful even though my pants are starting to feel too big. I'm stepping up to the challenge to lose more.

I finally saw my therapist for the first time in weeks. She's been travelling or something. Our appointments mostly focus on catching up.

We saw Cynthia again. She said that the wound is healed, and though she can see where the reattachment happened, it's not attached anymore! So after that hellish week...it worked. I fixed it! It's now one of the accomplishments of which I'm most proud. We have to continue with a 3-6-hour schedule to massage the scar and keep it from getting too thick or stiff. I think he's starting to realize that though they're unpleasant, the scar massages don't hurt like the stretches did. More appointments are coming up. But Oliver is eating more! When I pull him out of class, he usually does okay, and he'll sometimes accept a sticker (a shark today!) and a Tylenol.

I didn't seek enough nourishment for my soul this past week. I've been consumed with Oliver's current needs. But a new week is another chance to try.

All about Oliver.

Tomorrow is Oliver's 8th birthday! Here is a little more about him.

• Favorite Toy: Probably Brr Brr even though he doesn't play with or cuddle the Beanie Baby English bulldog the way he used to. He likes to have Brr Brr on car trips.
• Favorite Color: Red. This has been consistent for years.
• Favorite Clothes: A red Super Grover T-shirt or gray pajama pants with tigers on them ("Tiger pants").
• Favorite Animal: Lion (also consistent for years).
• Favorite Foods: Pepperoni, dill pickles, Welch's fruit snacks, sausage, chicken fries, Doritos, taquitos, donuts!
• Favorite Drinks: Low-sugar grape Gatorade, whole milk
• Favorite Movie: He doesn't watch movies except the feature-length Thomas episodes like Misty Island Rescue.
• Favorite Song: "Uptown Funk" ("Up Down Funny Up") and "Let It Go."
• Best Friends: Probably Josh, Bruce, and Miss KS.
• Favorite Activities: Tearing paper, preferably magazines, and spreading the shreds all over the house. Changing locations and available foods as often as possible.
• Challenges: Communication and other autism-related issues.
• Talents: Preserving the face of a pretty girl in a magazine. Jumping. Dancing. Singing. Bonding with special adults. Being happy.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 34.

I limped along this past week in more ways than one. I started trying to wear my boot only out of the house and go without at home. But I went to a watch a movie in regular shoes, and the pain was bearable.

But a much bigger challenge was our follow-up with Dr. M. Mom came to be there with me (nourishment), and Josh came during a lull at work.

Dr. M told us that the tissue was reattaching. She did a stretch on Oliver, and she called me over to see his wound under the the bright light and to see the blood pooling under his tongue. She said I have to use the bite blocker no matter how much he struggles against it. Dr. M talked a lot and seemed to thrive on our distress. I did not let myself cry, but I felt like a failure. I could barely talk afterward.

Mom talked me into going out for groceries--we were out of almost everything. The shopping calmed me a little. Mom picked out items for dinner--Caesar salad and huge shrimp with cocktail sauce. A good meal helped too (nourishment!).

I was sick at the thought of making Oliver bleed, of that begin a goal.

I told Mom, "I can't do it."
She said, "You can."

She was not happy with that doctor. Mom was about ready for us to quit. But we had another appointment with Cynthia for the coming week. I hope she can give us some guidance. Why were the reports so different?

I can't wait until we can just be done with this. But I want to make, continue to make, my best effort and end this peacefully.

Best Little and Not-So-Little Choices.

• Opening my heart to a new friend...or two.
• Becoming nicer at home.
• Buying big mint and lavender headphones...but I've lost them! Now, I have purple and hot pink headphones.
• Registering for drama and poetry, the classes in which I met Josh.
• Deciding to get into makeup. It brings me joy every day.
• Digging my way out of (most of) my rage.
• Starting a regular journal (a gift from my parents) when I was 15. That's almost 20 years ago!
• Buying green wedge-heel Mary Janes. I wore and loved them until I wore them out.
• Taking creative writing for two years in high school even though the teacher was scary.
• Applying to teach at a community college. It's the best job I have had. I did it until I got too sick.
• Reading (just about) every book I've read.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 33.

This past week, I did a little catching up on this blog. It seems silly sometimes. But I think more people read it than I realize. That's a nourishing thought.

I didn't read enough, but I did read a graphic novel by Neil Gaiman and Colleen Doran, a revision of "Snow White." The illustrations are lush and dark. I can't recommend the book as some (many?) would find it offensive, but I handed it to Josh, who read it immediately. I enjoyed the challenge of a genre I rarely read.

But what has consumed most of my thoughts is Oliver's stretches. I have to stretch  his tongue up and back several times a day, so the frenulum won't reattach. We saw Cynthia, who said it looks great--better than 99% of the follow-ups she sees. I cried. It's been so hard and miserable, but it's working. She told me to keep doing whatever I'm during. This has been a major challenge for me, and I'm not done yet.

The hurricane came near, and Oliver's school closed for two days. Two days I didn't have to pull him out of class for stretches! With Labor Day, it was a short week. Oliver started to relax a bit about the stretches. No screaming or struggling, little crying. It got a little easier though he still has a strong jaw and sharp little teeth. But I'm nervous about our second follow-up, which is with Dr. M (the surgeon) herself. What will she say? Will she look at me with disdain or with an unusual smile?

In any case, we've completed two weeks of stretches. I have Band-Aids on both index fingers. That baby can bite.

Oliver's Tongue Tie Surgery.

We heard that we simply had to do it, that it would greatly improve Oliver's quality of life. I worked on it for a couple of months. Mom and Shane were with us. Oliver was missing the first two days of school.

The clinic had an amazing aquatic theme. The reception desk and nurses' station had clear, rippling waves. Sea creatures came out of the ceiling. Walls had ocean murals. Mom said that the theme was more for me than for Oliver!

Josh and I went back with Oliver. The liquid sedative was a fail, but the nurse managed a nasal spray. Oliver quickly got sluggish and silly.

Dr. M came to us quickly in the lobby. She said that the surgery went well, and she again emphasized the importance of the stretches. She looks like a child of fae or a Vulcan. And she takes her handiwork seriously.

Someone took Josh and me back. Oliver was trying to wake up but kept falling over on the bed. I asked the nurses to go over the stretch with me again. She brought over Dr. M! Embarrassing. Dr. M told me to sit in the recliner; she was going to perform the stretch on me. I said okay.

What she did was extremely painful, and my body was thinking flight. I said I did have a better sense of the stretch. Josh pointed out that I had blood in my teeth. How could I do that to Oliver?

Back home, Mom was talking about the stretching. As she spoke about it, I started swaying and tapping my nail on my teeth. She said, "Are you freaking out?" I was.

So Mom did it the first time. After Oliver cried and struggled (we all held him down), I cried on Josh. Mom came over and hugged me too. She said, "What feels heavy right now?" I liked that. "What's wrong?" would minimize the obvious. I told her I was afraid I was wrong to get the surgery, and now, I'd have to hurt him every day. But she said that watching him eat and move his tongue in his mouth made her change her mind--she did believe it was a good choice. That released a lot of my tension.

A few hours later, it was my turn. Everyone waited while I washed my hands and put on gloves. It was awful, but I did it. At least, I think I did it.

The next morning, we got a free check-up with Cynthia (faux name). She empathized the necessity of frequent stretches. I knew I was going to have to do a lot of it the stretches alone, no help.

Oliver went to school to Wednesday. I made noise until I heard Oliver's name on the radios--and suddenly, I met the principal, who was super supportive. We agreed that I'd use the med room about 10 a.m. each day.

The first day, he screamed and cried. The admin staff asked, "Is he going to do that every day?" Yep. On the second day, his lead teacher brought him to the office and held him in her lap, which helped. As soon as I started to leave, I heard, "Want Mama!" After what I'd just done, he wanted me. On Friday, we had the same arrangement, except that I'd brought some metallic vehicle stickers! He chose the ambulance, which seemed appropriate.

I can't express how horrible the stretches are. He bleeds sometimes. He usually wants a coping-strategy bath afterward. We have to do this every three hours for three weeks. I feel pretty traumatized. I just keep trying to convince myself that we did and are doing what's right for Oliver long-term.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 32.

Much of last week was terrible. Oliver had tongue-tie surgery on Monday. Mom and Shane stayed two nights to help us; thank God. The worst part has been the tongue stretches we've had to do to keep the frenulum from growing back. The whole ordeal was and continues to be a challenge.

Oliver missed two days of school but started school on Wednesday. He seemed fine. On Friday, Josh said Oliver went right to his chair. The adults asked where I was, and Josh said I was probably sleeping. Everyone gushed over how sweet he was...to take his child to school. Mmkay. Josh was not amused.

I'm awfully behind on reading, both for myself and my tiny bookclub. I feel weak from the lack of it. And I've not be writing enough. Just writing this is like cool water on my shoulders. I don't know what to request. But I know how quickly I can cease to be myself.

Another week of stretching is coming up. Can we stand it? We have to. Someday, this will seem long ago, whether we succeed or fail.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 31.

A lot happened this past week. I got my blood drawn, and my lithium level was 1.3. 1.1 is the limit. So my psychiatrist decreased my lithium by one pill daily. Okay.

And I found out that he's leaving the group! I don't know why. He gave me a form letter and three months of refills. And he smiled when I wished him luck. I never knew he had gaps in his teeth.

So I made an appointment with an older male psychiatrist with the practice. I just hope he won't make major changes. I hope Topamax really is working, and I can continue taking it.

I still didn't see my therapist. When will I? She seems to have a lot going on.

Josh's classes began. He feels behind already, and I definitely remember that feeling.

Oliver had his pre-op physical. It went fine, and Oliver held it together pretty well.

At speech and occupational therapy, the OT is showing at last. We will miss her when she leaves for three months. Oliver adores her. She told me that her temporary replacement will be Kirsten (I made up the name), whom we have not met yet.

I had a good meeting with Jessica from ABA. She seems patient and understanding, which I really need right now.

Josh's parents came to visit. Oliver had some sort of meltdown, so the visit didn't last long. Still, it started well.

I had to be brave that week. I didn't know how brave I would have to be in the coming weeks.

The Planet and I.

When I was a kid, I had sporadic interest in the planet, recycling in particular. I read about what I could do. My Bible class collected soda cans. My family must have loved soda at that time. I gathered up my used paper and cut the sheets to staple them together. Making the use of the back of the sheets seemed like a big deal to me.

I found other ideas (likely from American Girl). Instead of toting a bag, I carried a cereal box. Yep, just a cereal box--not creative. I think Mom thought I was ultra weird, and she may have been a bit embarrassed.

When I was teaching, I mostly gave up water bottles, and I made notepads from extra copies.

I now use non-disposable water bottles almost exclusively. It's something.

A different kind of recycling is saving discarded ideas, images, lines, characters, and such. Making those scraps new makes me feel clean.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 30.

Last week was heavy on the medical. Josh went to see our primary care doctor about his knee pain. I went to an ENT to get ear wax suctioned out, so I could hear normally from my right ear (painful but effective). I also went to my psychiatrist, who added Topamax to my meds. One side effect is weight loss! He remembered my complaint.

I started setting up Oliver's frenectomy. It's a long and complicated process, and I'm afraid I'll do something wrong and ruin it. I'm nervous about the procedure and post-op stretches. But my mom will be there before, during, and after. The stretches are supposed to be brutal. But his speech therapist is going to try to get him used to the stretches in advance. I guess we can do that too.

So many challenges! But Josh's and Mom's presence with nourish my spirit.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 29.

I had a bad bout of depression. I could barely get out of bed at all. My mom had some good ideas to challenge me, and one of them was to exercise for 20 minutes on most days. Of course, I should already do this, but I'm working on making it a practice. Floor work. Weights. Cardio: walking, dancing. I can feel that nourishment of movement.

I spoke to my parents on the phone more than usual. My dad is recovering from a pit bull bite. He's been showing interest in my interests, which means a lot. We do, in fact, have a lot in common.

Oliver's tech supervisor came to the house. I dreaded it. It was hard for me. Having anyone in my home is a challenge for me. But she--I'll call her Jessica--is so genuine and engaged. And Josh was with me. It was fine.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 28.

I practiced rollerskating. It gave me so much joy and such a sense of power and control when I was a preteen homeschooler. Apparently, the skill doesn't stick. I'll keep trying, though, because it's a good way to get exercise, and I want to feel that joy again. It's a challenge but also a way to nurture my child self.

We had a good meeting with Oliver's tech's supervisor. I couldn't help telling stories about Oliver. But I feel like I'm strengthening the connection.

I put away a lot of clothes. I'm terrible about putting my clothes away when I take them off. I end up with a towering laundry basket. I'm challenging myself to work a little on clothes and laundry each evening.

I had more time with Bruce's cats, which was fun. I love their personalities. One cat seems to love me but will never let anyone else know. I like having the time around cats. That's nurturing for me.

I didn't accomplish a great deal. I did begin reading All Out with Bruce. Short stories! I'm ready to dive into quick fiction.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 27.

Last week, Grandmom, Josh's wonderful and sassy grandmother, died rather suddenly of cancer. She had decided against treatment, which I think most everyone understood. My mom came to our house to take care of Oliver during the memorial service. Even now, I can't believe Grandmom has left. She always made me feel that I was doing my best. At Zach and Cherylanne's wedding reception, Grandmom took my hand, and I just held on. She seemed to know that the socializing was hard for me even though I was happy to be there. She was a blessing.

Bruce and I finished The Shape of Water, our 24th book. We liked it, and we got a lot more out of the characters than would fit in the film. We're starting another book soon.

Bruce has been at the beach, so I've been checking in on his cats. I like hanging out with kitlets. One cat could take or leave me; the other adores me but won't let anyone else know.

I'm still having trouble reading and writing. It's a sickness. How can I cure it before it gets worse?

Mom challenged me to exercise for 20 minutes on most days. And I've been doing it though not quite as often as I should. I text her nightly about my exercise. Maybe I'll eventually see some results. Going back to bits of ballet and Irish step dancing bring up memories--the ballet class during my last semester of undergrad and my Irish step dancing at ages 12-15.

I got to meet Bruce's mama, sister, aunt, and cousin! I'm so glad. Check that off my wish list.

Floor Plans.

At some point, I went wild for floor plans. I think of the placement of closets, bathrooms, pantries, and linen closets.

Every since I started thinking of getting an apartment, perhaps with Melissa, I could look at floor plans for hours.

When I see a sign for a new apartment complex, I try to remember the name, so I can examine the floor plans later.

I imagine myself in that space. Could I live there? How would living  be different, and how would I be different there?

My favorite floor plans now are Rosewood Condos. The building looks like a castle. I'd like to dress rich and tour some of those condos. I'd like to survey while holding the floor plans.

Spatial awareness is difficult for me, and trying to visualize a home, a life, based on a floor plan probably wakes up something in my mind. Maybe I should have taken interior design or even architecture class.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 26.

I'm behind on my weekly posts, but I'll catch up.

This week, 26, was a difficult one. I struggled. Anxiety, sadness, confusion.

We had a four-day weekend, which I barely remember. But I remember going back to everyday life a little empty.

Mom and I have decided to start brightening up each other's mailboxes. She mailed a beautiful piece of embroidery: a girl with short black hair and white wings. She has wild violets at her feet and in her hair and a hydrangea in her hand. Two of my favorite flowers! I sent her a flower fairy postcard. I could certainly use more encouragement, and mail is just wonderful.

I went over to Bruce's one day. I was telling him and Corey that I'd really been wanting to watch Jurassic Park. It was so astounding when it was in theaters. And then Bruce and Corey said we could watch it right then! I think they're both kind of in-tune with me. And the movie? Better than I expected. Still pretty astounding.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 25.

The week was kind of quiet. It's summer, and Josh is only teaching two classes. It isn't much of a rest for him, but it's something. He's also involved with a local humanitarian group project he co-founded. Wow. He seems to be choosing activities that are both challenging and nourishing. And he's still running. I'm impressed.

Josh has kindly driven Oliver to and from appointments whenever possible, just so I can rest. I probably need more rest than I know or acknowledge.

I haven't done much regular journaling, but I've been responding to prompts and posting some of that content on the the blogs. So I have been writing--always nourishing and a challenge.

We met with Oliver's new therapy supervisor. She is thorough and seems competent and in-tune with Oliver. I feel much better about the whole program. Oliver is totally fine, his usual happy self. Getting this therapy going originally took me a year. I don't want to throw that away, and I'm starting to think won't have to.

Bruce went to visit his family. I got to spend some time with his cats; beginning around calm animals can be nourishing. One cat claimed me thoroughly by rubbing my face. I would have spent a while in Bruce's little reading nook if I'd had time. Maybe I'll do hat next time Bruce travels. Reading and writing can bring magic to a room.

I'm still quite behind on my annual reading goal. Somehow, I will remedy that.

Touch.

Josh's touch, simple as a hand squeeze or complex as a massage, has a tremendous impact on me. So I'll write this to him.

Josh, your touch

• is water running down my arms.
• is pansies in winter.
• reminds me of my bold childhood curiosity about bugs, frogs, and tiny blue-tail lizards.
• is like a wrapped journal that I stealthily open at Barnes to check the quality of the paper--and I find it perfect.
• is more addictive than Whisps, the cheese-turned-cracker I'm currently crazy about.
• is all the blankets in the house.
• is all the unlit candles we own--alight. 
• is every time you make me laugh. And every time we go back and forth like a comedy duo.
• is someone loving a movie I love.
• is lace that doesn't itch.
• is purple paper that can become anything.
• keeps me alive.
• is the moment when a tornado warning is canceled. 
• is multiple sets of matching pajamas.
• is the release date for a book I pre-ordered.
• is a black moto jacket with a scatter of white stars.
• is the cinnamon tea that lights up our cabinets with its scent.
• calls me by my secret names, including some I don't know.
• is the Secret Garden to my sickly Colin. 
• is my hair turning red.
• is a tiny light-up Christmas village.
• is glasses without smudges--clear and sharp.
• is the heating pad that comforts me enough, so I can fall asleep.
• is black metal and rhinestone jewelry. 
• is you, belonging to me.

On the 9th Floor.

Thanks to my parents and steps for the wonderful getaway we thought of as a belated celebration of our 12-year wedding anniversary. Dad provided the hotel, and Mom provided two nights of childcare.

First of all, I have to note that Oliver handed it all well and only occasionally asked where Mama and Daddy were. And Josh and I did not break down either. We can all be okay for a few days.

Josh totally handled the uptown driving, the check-in, and the parking. We had a suite with a big living space. The decor was mostly hideous, but we didn't mind. We had an interesting 9th-floor view of various buildings. I can't imagine working or living so high. A giant jetted tub was in our bedroom. I got in pretty quickly. The depth was the best part.

We ordered room service, burgers for both of us--his a veggie. We sat on the ugly orange couch.

I had no desire to go anywhere. All I did was pick up ice across the hall.

On Friday morning, I got right in the bath, and Josh brought up some breakfast. I drank apple juice in the tub--bliss. Soon, we went to the (supposedly) heated pool. It was tiny and cold, and I didn't last long. I went to the hot tub, which was mild enough that Josh got in for a while.

Mom sent just a few (perfect) photos and updates. Oliver was clearly having a good time, so we were reassured.

We took various small naps, and I scribbled.

I asked Josh to go back out the Hornets' store and bring back lunch. He returned with a bag of clearance Hornets items--a late Father's Day gift. He brought teriyaki chicken. For dinner, we had room service salads.

We picked up Oliver, who didn't seem to have much of a reaction to our return. We went to a burger place to meet Dad and Michelle. We sat outside in the shade. Oliver was nervous around Buckley, their beagle. But Oliver acted pretty brave and ate chicken tenders. I'm ready to celebrate when he eats pretty much any food.

I gave Michelle a belated gifts (a fine point eyeliner brush and a Stila palette in mostly neutral shades). She seemed happy to try them. She gave me a general gift she'd kept forgetting to give me: a medium-length silver chain with a silver circle with amethyst crystals hanging down; it's my taste!

I think the trip loosened some kind of major tension in my upper body. I'm already excited about the next.

My 34th Birthday.

I used to be particular about my birthday: celebration had to happen on the actual day. I've gotten over that, so my birthday spread into mid-June, both ways.

I get a beautiful card in the mail every year from my grandparents. They sent me a Target gift card for fun. Some time soon, I'll go on a spree and remember to tell Nanna and Grandpa what I bought.

Bruce and I have birthdays two days apart (and he's 3 years younger), so we celebrate once together. I focused on writing and Broadway's The Lion King for Bruce's gifts. He gave me a few journals (roses and mermaids) and several books he believed I'd like. I can't wait to read them all.

Josh gave me what I requested: an Urban Decay (my favorite fancy makeup brand) birthday. He gave me gel with large and tiny lilac glitter. He gave me UD's Game of Thrones eye shadow palette. I don't care much about G of T, but the palette is one of my favorites; only 3 of 20 shadows are matte. He gave me a Heavy Metal glitter liner in a new Christmas green. And he gave me two eyeliners--Viper, metallic purple with fuchsia glitter and Electric Empire, a sparkly emerald shade. I'm excited to try everything. I have used the palette and the eye pencils so far.

Mom mailed me a piece of sewing with a dark-haired fairy, a hydrangea in her hand and wild violets at her feet. I have it propped up on the bookcase by my bed. A couple of years ago, Mom gave me a framed drawing of a mermaid with dark hair and green eyes like mine. When we arrived in Charlotte, Mom gave me a gorgeous clear box with rainbow-haired mermaids. I wish I could find more. And heavy seahorse bookends. I love how seahorses just pop up in my life.

After our quiet trip, we saw Dad and Michelle, who gave us gift cards on top of giving us our first getaway. Michelle had a gift she kept forgetting to give me. It' a medium-length silver necklace with a silver circle with amethyst crystals hanging from it. My taste!

So I'm 34 now, some great new books and new makeup to play with along with other sweet objects and fun future shopping. It's a good start.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 24.

Summer arrived.

I only read 3 or 4 YA novels in the spring. Now, I'm turning my attention to the classic short story focus. I always have fun with that, and I have several books waiting.

I need to work hard because I'm 7 books behind on my GoodReads annual reading goal. But I can overcome that. I hope short fiction will speed me up. A challenge!

We went to Charlotte. Mom and Shane had agreed to keep Oliver for two nights. Leaving him was a challenge, but the trip was nourishing for Josh and me and for our marriage. I'll tell me in another post.

I'll also post about my birthday eventually. I had a little string of lovely days. I try to hold onto all the sweet bits. That's what it's all about for me, really: sowing and reaping joy.

Favorite Pieces of Jewelry.

I have almost no "real" jewelry. I love costume jewelry, especially from Loft and Betsey Johnson. Here are some of my favorite baubles.

• My wedding set. The white gold rings are tiny, and the tanzanite in the engagement ring is tiny. I can't wear them right now, but they wait on m dresser in a white bowl painted with violets.
• My tanzanite princess ring. My parents gave me a lovely ring when I graduated with my MFA. It reminds me of their support of me. I used to be afraid to wear it because I might lose or damage it, but now, I just try to enjoy it when I wear it. It's better to enjoy it with the risks than for it to stay in a velvet box.
• Art Deco star earrings. These are gold and black gold with many points and clear rhinestones. I got them on crazy sale at Banana Republic. They make me feel like a mysterious movie star. Plus, Josh loves art deco.
• Gunmetal star cascade earrings. These are from Loft, and Josh gave them to me for Christmas. They make me feel like a celestial fairy.
• My key necklace. When I first started teaching, I had little to wear. I decided that some jewelry might shake up my wardrobe. Mom and I were combing a sale at Banana Republic. This long necklace had silver, gold, and black gold chains with big and little skeleton keys. I need to wear it more. I love keys.
• Betsey Johnson love necklace. Josh bought me this for an anniversary. It's gold  and short with multiple chains and so many pink and clear rhinestones. Tiny and big keys, locks, and hearts makes this a favorite. I don't always wear it because it's a statement, but I need to get over that.
• My stars and moon necklace. I just wore this yesterday! This was on sale at Loft. It's a good length, short but not a choker (though I do love chokers too). The rhinestones sparkle.
• Gold and purple snowflake necklace. Mom spotted this in a department store. It was far more than I would normally spend on jewelry (my necklace obsession had not really begun yet), but it was so beautiful--almost a choker with three gold snowflakes with purple rhinestones and pearls. I left the mall wearing the necklace.

I have great memories of getting and wearing my jewelry. And doesn't "costume jewelry" just sound fun?

Last Day of 33.

Every year, right before my birthday, I think about what the year has meant, what I've accomplished, who I've become, and why I'm worth another year.

As a 33-year-old,

• I celebrated my 12-year wedding anniversary with Josh.
• I've helped Oliver get through first grade and much therapy of different types.
• I've let my reading and writing slide here toward the end, but I will get it back on track.
• I've finished 45 books in a variety of genres. 
• I've read a good bit of poetry. 
• I've completed 5 journals.
• I've worked to keep my blogs fresh.
• I made almost 200 posts on my two blogs.
• I've dressed just as I please. Nothing is too special.
• I've managed to spend time with a new person, one of the few people who make me feel calm. I've been brave.
• I've kept up with a therapist and a psychiatrist. 
• I've taken my medication every day, no matter how often it changes and how the side effects change me.
• I've shown up and paid a lot of necessary dental work. 
• I went to my doctor for a physical and endured various tests (all is well) like a responsible adult.
• I returned to the college where I used to teach because one of our dear former professors was giving a reading. I didn't know if people would remember or recognize me. I didn't know how I'd react to being at the site of some of my biggest failures. But everyone was warm and happy to see me, and it was a great day.
• I've helped Josh a little with his humanitarian project.
• I got to see my brother-in-law get married. And Josh and I danced!
• I saw 8 musicals. 

That looks better than I expected. I'm ready.

Cinnamon.

I remember when I first discovered potpourri with cinnamon sticks in a glass bowl on someone's side table.

My mom would mix cinnamon and sugar in a green cup, and she'd sprinkle the mixture on my toast. I still eat that, especially when I'm ill. Josh made me some after my first surgery (endometriosis), and that was all I could keep down.

Cinnamon makes me think of Kirkland's--decorative pillows, cinnamon pine cones, nutcrackers. I loved going there as a kid.

The scent made me feel excited and serene at once. I guess it still does.

If I see an envelope of cinnamon potpourri, I hold it to my face.

The only teas I bother with are cinnamon or cinnamon apple spice.

I use Bath & Body Works Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin shower gel as bubble bath.

I've sprinkled cinnamon on bowls of brown rice and green beans.

Cinnamon makes me feel like Christmas is coming. What some people would call an excess of cinnamon is one of my favorite parts of Christmas.

It's definitely my favorite scent (past even marshmallow, vanilla, and peppermint).

I wish more cinnamon-scented items existed. I would wear cinnamon perfume. I love cinnamon candles.

My hair has been turning rather auburn, and it reminds me of cinnamon. My mother's mother had auburn hair.

Cinnamon comforts me but also makes me want to do something, whether that's writing, reading, cuddling, or some creative pursuit.

How do special scent affect you?

Nourish/Challenge: Week 23.

I went to a meeting with the new supervisor for Oliver's new therapy tech. The new supervisor seemed on top of things. I was impressed that she wore a pink blazer and linen khakis for our meeting. I wore a casual dress. She has worked in this field for 7 years, but she looks quite young (I'm getting old). I told her some funny Oliver stories. She seemed impressed with him (he was with me, and he was patient), but she has big plans for him. She wasn't thrilled with the care he'd received so far. With this new leadership and (I hope) a talented and diligent tech (who will actually stay around!), I feel pretty good about giving the company another chance. Just the meeting was tough--a challenge for me. But it was fine, and I left feeling optimistic.

I've continued to have trouble with my writing. I keep missing days of practice. I'm challenging myself to write more and to find what can nourish my writer self.

I've been reading more about Egypt. I have a book on Native Americans waiting. Right now, any kind of learning feels satisfying even if it's difficult.

Handmaid's Tale and Black Mirror are back, so I watched episodes with the guys. I could have gone on all day.

Bruce and I went to Barnes one evening. We'd not gone there in a long time. We weave slowly through the shelves and tables and try not to laugh too loudly. I found a blue hardcover book of fairy tales for $5. I took that home along with the newest Bella Grace magazines.

And Bruce and I saw Cats, the last show of the season. I think that was season 4. It's absurd that I'd not yet seen Cats. I enjoyed it more than I expected. The costumes, makeup, dancing, and lighting were fantastic. Of course, the Rum Tum Tugger was still my favorite. Everyone went wild over Grizabella.

On the drive home from the theatre, Bruce asked me several what-if questions, and some of them really challenged my brain and heart. I asked him why he was asking so many questions, and he quoted me: "Questions are love." Wow. That filled me to the brim.

At My Bravest.

To follow up on my "If I Were More Courageous" post, I decided I should think about when I have had great courage.

• I gave birth to Oliver. Delivering him is the hardest thing I have ever done, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I had to fight my body's absolute insistence on pushing; Oliver was in danger when I pushed. I followed directions. I had no time or strength to scream or shout. I felt no sense of community with the countless women who have given birth. I was alone in it, and I couldn't give up. I just thought of breathing and getting oxygen to my baby.  

•  I breastfed. I was afraid I couldn't produce enough milk to help our 5 1/2-pound baby gain weight, especially since I was supporting our family. Somehow, I pumped enough, and he plumped up, and I breastfed him for thirteen months. For a while, two weeks maybe, it was incredibly painful--the gasping-and-tears-spring-to-your-eyes kind of pain. I didn't think I could go on. But I did it, and I'm grateful that I had the chance. 

•  I gave a public reading in a small auditorium at Queens. I read several poems from my thesis. Mom let me wear her enchanted emerald silk blouse. I felt the audience connecting with me. My thesis advisor later told me that he received compliments about me. Mom and Dad were there, and Melissa and Steve came, which meant a lot. I hadn't shared much of my poetry with any of them.  

•  I taught a seminar on journaling, also during my graduating residency. I was brave enough to focus on one of the most important elements of my life. And apart from day camp Bible classes, I'd never taught before. 

•  I applied to a community college. I taught my first class, and though I had no idea how I would handle it, it went remarkably well. I knew I'd found the right work. 

•  I left my job, first as a medical leave of absence and then permanently. We had very little money and no plan, but Mom and Josh knew I couldn't go back; I was too sick. We got a lot of help, but it was scary. 

•  I've advocated for Oliver since he was diagnosed with autism at age four. I took him to so many doctors and therapists for diagnoses and treatment. I met with teachers and got Oliver into ore-K for EC. I took him to the children's neurologist, I spent a year getting Oliver into ABA. I do not do well in meetings. Mom came sometimes to back me up, especially when I got completely overloaded.  

• I saw a psychiatrist, a psychologist an a  counselor. I was afraid to confirm my fear that no one could (or would) help me. None of these ongoing appointments are easy for me. I push myself to show up, to tell the truth of my experience, and to continue reaching for the help I need.

Really, I'm brave every day. I drive the car, which makes me very nervous. I drop off and pick up, I get out of bed, I shower (and put on makeup on a decent day!),  I take my medicine, I interact with others, I go to appointments. I live, hour by hour.

You Can't Help Loving Me for This.

• I snort when I laugh hard.
• I tend to get in people's way, and you have to move me.
• I leave literary character sticky flags all over the place.
• I'm oblivious to anyone paying me attention in public.
• I merely tolerate diet soda.
• I can listen to a current-favorite song on repeat, repeat, repeat.
• I analyze and dive into movies.
• I never put milk in my cereal.
• I'm a bit of a pen snob.
• I still have a beloved 2001 issue of YM Beauty.
• If I love it, I buy it in multiple colors. 
• I sing and dance far more than some would call necessary.
• I write lowercase a's and 2's two different ways.
• I buy another set of Sparkle Pop for my pen drawer each time I go to Target.
• I have three versions of Phantom on my iPod.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 22.

I've had almost back-to-back sinus infections (Yes, I finished my antibiotics). This past week, I got in to see my PA, and he said I was right: a sinus infection, a bad one. So I've tried to rest, and Josh has been so supportive.

Oliver sings. He sings bits of songs in the car. Josh says that when I shower with music, Oliver stays outside the door and sings along. It may be because I'm singing more at home and in the car. I want him to have the solace and nourishment of reading and movies, but for now, singing is pretty good.

For the first time in a terribly long time, I took a bath and read poetry aloud. I've got to get back to that. The habit is a challenge but so nourishing.

Oliver has been home with me. Last week was his first week out of school. We are waiting for a new tech, so we haven't gone to ABA; he only has private OT and speech right now.

I noticed that because he wears uniforms at to school, he had very little casual clothing. So I signed him up for Stitch Fix (sign up and you and I will each get a $25 credit). We get ten items per shipment. I've mostly asked for comfortable or athletic shorts and cute graphic tees. Oliver enjoys pointing out designs on his clothes. SF even sends shoes and pajamas! It eliminates the challenge of hunting for his clothes here and there, and I can easily return what doesn't work.

I'm trying a long, weekly to-do list again, but in my mermaid spiral notebook instead of the journal. Bullet journaling intimidates me; I know almost nothing about it. What kind of to-do list do you use?

Looking Back: 30 before 30.

I looked at my "30 before 30" list and found that I'd accomplished very little. But when I see what I have done, it does feel impressive.

• Publish a story
• Take Oliver to an aquarium
• Teach a literature class
• Teach a creative writing class
• Have long, black Snow White hair
• Use every room in my house
• Read tons of short stories

I'll try to continue working on that list as I work on my "40 before 40" list. 

Some Top Blessings.

We are so blessed, and it's increasingly clear.

• We have received assistance from family and the government that makes it possible for us to pay for Oliver's therapies, pay down debt, and not be anxious about money all the time.
• Oliver's personality. He was a tiny baby (5 lbs, 8 oz.) who had dealt with terrible conditions in my belly. But he was bright and relaxed. He calmed me with his liquid navy eyes (now shifting to green) and his serene expression.
• Miss Katie at occupational therapy. Oliver sees Miss Katie once a week for an hour. They work on such a variety of skills, and Oliver clearly adores her. She has told us that she just loves Oliver.
• Our apartment. Oliver has room to move around, Josh's giant desk fits in the living area, and I have my desk and chaise in the guest room. The space is a relief.
• Our library. We have a great many wonderful books. 
• Brr Brr, a little English bulldog Beanie Baby I gave to Oliver when he was one year old. He was in love for years. He still dotes on Brr Brr sometimes, like on long car trips. It's the best gift I've ever given anyone.
• My relative stability, when I have it. I have moments and even hours of being firmly okay. I even feel flutters of joy sometimes.

Just a Thought: What I Like Most about Myself.

• My passionate nature
• My persistence
• My ability to collect coping strategies
• My long, dark hair
• My green, ringed eyes
• My pale skin
• My courage (though I hate to use it)
• My writing ability
• My love of books
• My attraction to sparkles
• My softened heart

Nourish/Challenge: Week 21.

This past week has been a little chaotic. I had an internal ultrasound because of something the doctor encountered during an exam. I was anxious and rightly so: it hurt. But everything came back normal; the PA called to tell me the next day. I'm still waiting on another set of test results, but I feel like I can shape my days without thinking about it. It's a challenge.

I've been sick on and off, as if I'm constantly fighting something. More disturbing is my continued struggles with reading and writing. I've neglected my blogs as well. I'm trying to get back into my practices. They are vital to my health and to my sense of myself.

I decided to give tea another chance after my experience at the Biltmore. I found apple cinnamon spice. It's pretty good! It makes me feel writerly. Maybe that's what I need--feeling like a writer makes the practice smoother.

On Sunday, I returned to my bathtub-side poetry books. I want to revive that practice.

I hate doing it, but I cut my nails short and painted them glitter pink. I feel happy when I notice.

On Facebook, I copied a call for kind words. My brother said that I'm beautiful, wise, and funny and that I have good taste. What great compliments! I'd tack it on the wall if Oliver wouldn't immediately tear it down. I'm happy to know how James sees me.

Bruce and I went to the penultimate show of the season: Hello, Dolly. It was great fun as I expected. A group of older women came up to us (this was the third time) to appreciate my outfit and tell me I look gorgeous. A surplus of compliments! Normally, I run pretty well on daily compliments from Josh and Bruce. I'll try to keep all the kind words close to my heart. They nourish me. They also challenge me to live up to what the best people think of me.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 20.

I've kept a regular journal (with some gaps--unhealthy times) for almost 20 years. It is a safe place, a nourishing place. Even my racing thoughts slow down for my pen (at least a little). But I had a hard time with my journal during the week before last. I missed days and made tiny entries (better than nothing). I hadn't missed a day in a long time. I hope to get back on track. 10 pages per week is my goal.

Bruce and I have been watching The Act, a true-crime anthology series. The acting impresses me. We also watched Almost Friends--Freddie Highmore! I'll probably watch just about anything he's done.

I've watched some more Alter short horror films. I've been most impressed with "Latched." I also watched a couple of short sci-fi films that DUST presented. I love the bite-sized morsels of film. They keep me thinking.

And Bruce and I have been pushing through The Shape of Water...happily!

I'm three books behind on my annual reading goal. I will catch up.

Little WIshes.

I call these wishes little because they aren't like curing cancer, buying houses and cars, world peace, or traveling everywhere. These are my smaller wishes.

• Wild violets all year.
• Wisteria all year.
• Fuchsia thriving everywhere.
• More varied taste in fruits and vegetables.
• A better appetite for Oliver.
• A return of Gelly Rolls Dark Stardust pens.
• Someone else to paint my nails (I hate it, and I'm terrible at it).
• Quicker and more accurate typing.
• The ability to keep plants from dying.
• Long dessert spoons.
• Round soup spoons.
• Spanish fluency. 
• Time to look at all the magazines.
• A painless tattoo of a Carl Sagan quotation.
• A tiny painless nose stud like the kiss of a fairy.
• The motivation and energy for product writing and submissions.
• The energy to keep the house just right.
• A nearer mailbox.
• The energy and motivation to swim every day.
• Always to have season tickets to a theatre.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 19.

Tiny baby ducks are swimming gracefully behind their parents. I'm glad we get to see some wildlife from our balcony door. We see geese (they're jerks), goslings (they're cute at first, but as it is for many of us, adolescence just doesn't look good), turtles, an occasional sleek muskrat or terrifying giant snapping turtle, massive white fish in the pond, and pretty pairs of cardinals.

Bruce and I have started reading the novelization of The Shape of Water. I'm excited. It will be our 24th book together. We motivate each other to read, which is so important to us but easy to set aside. We don't talk at length about most of the books we read, but the bond of shared stories is still obvious. We're also back in the habit of walking on Monday mornings, which gives me a chance to talk too much.

On Mother's Day, Josh brought me some beverages (including cherry Sprite from Sonic) and a great Dr. Grip pen--I love them but haven't had one in years.

I've been watching Alter short horror films. That's probably not especially nourishing or challenging, but I find myself thinking about flash fiction and how it compares, especially in terms of character development. I'm learning. For practice, I could write the story of one of the shorts. I wonder how long the result would be.

Oliver has continued to sing and dance. He loves music, and he is determined to be happy. Maybe I can learn from him.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 18.

I'm behind on just about anything. I'm trying to get back on track.

Oliver has been singing along to bits of songs in the car. It's adorable. Some of it may be because I'm singing more. It's soothing and kind of cleansing. I found great videos with a guy singing the male role in various showtune duets. I like singing as a practice. Maybe I can get better at it.

I finally wrote my girls' trip blog post. I've been loving my glittery purse. It can hold a whole change of clothes for Oliver and plenty more.

Oliver has Stitch Fix now. Follow this link if you want to try Stitch Fix--we'll each get a $25 credit. I enjoy my Stitch Fix, but Oliver's is so practical. SF sends about ten items and month; We choose what we want (lots of athletic shorts and graphic tees right now) and just send back to rest in a big pre-labeled bag. It's much easier than searching for his size. He'll be ready for these summery days.

I'm on my third young adult novel for the spring. I still plan to tackle Libba Bray's YA series (three books) now that I have all the books. Bruce and I finished A House at the Bottom of a Lake. We plan to read more Josh Malerman. Why can't I read everything at once?

I saw my psychiatrist, and he made a couple of meds changes that I hope will help.

Bruce and I caught up a little on The Good Doctor. It's so good! We also watched one of my favorite teen movies, Get Over It. Everyone is in that movie, and it's just as fun as I remembered. I love sharing old favorites with Bruce. He always seem ready for anything.

I also set up a new health challenge for myself: I've given up cheese. Now, I love cheese and find it a good snack and a good addition to almost any dish. But my doctor called to tell me that my cholesterol was a little high, and he wants to test it again in a few weeks. We'll see if this helps.

Josh and I are being more affectionate When he walks by me, I now wait for the moment of his hand on my head or shoulder. And we have something just for us coming up.

Almost everything that happens seems to demand my attention and often my action. I put almost everything here on this blog (or the companion blog) and in my journal. Maybe I'll be stronger next week.

Girls' Trip 2019: Asheville, NC.

I've been to the Biltmore Estate many times with my family, but that was many years ago. When I realized that Josh and Oliver had the same spring break, Mom and I decided to go somewhere, just us.

I managed the drive to Charlotte pretty well. I had not been looking forward to this part of the trip. I drove in a worn blue-gray dress. I wore a pink cardigan. I was excited that the weather was warm enough that I didn't need tights.

Checking into the Village Inn (the less fancy option on the property) went smoothly. We were excited about the window seat. I was a little overwrought, so Mom told me to take a rest while she explored.

We went to a dinner-and-show-style place, Isis. The band was singing Paul Simon and The Beatles. It was pretty good. I drank water deeply from a clean liquor bottle. We left early because I was getting tired--physically, emotionally, and mentally. Mom was clearly looking out for me with her awareness of and patience with me.

I overpacked, but I had what I needed. Warm fleece heart pajamas. Dresses I didn't end up wearing. My Too Faced Glitter Bomb palette. My swimsuit, because who knows? I filled my antique blue train case (from Mom some years ago), which holds jewelry, a pink and gunmetal sparkle makeup bag, medication organizer, and Neutrogena's Clear Face sunscreen. I managed to bring only three pairs of shoes: light blue New Balance trainers, gold glitter slip-ons, and a nearly identical gold-glitter pair but with some heel.

I wore my pajamas to search vending machines for Cherry Coke. The machines kept giving me Coke Zero.

Mom and I went to the fancier Inn and had high tea. We both wore dresses. Mine was lilac with a Queen Anne neckline (which I like best). I ordered a pot of apple strudel as Mom suggested, and with some sugar, it was good! Maybe I'll try tea again. I drank three or four cups. I'd love to like tea.

We walked through the village area. A few small mermaid items, along with a big teal velvet shell-shaped chair, caught my attention, but not like the bag that caught light on a table. Its fellow bags had a similar look but no real appeal. But the one I walked toward was a large satchel-size purse with a removable shoulder strap. The base material was black. The whole bag was covered with shapes (mostly parallelograms) which seemed like dark mermaid scales. The scales were gunmetal gray with wild glitter. The lining was silky plum. I told Mom, "If this bag were $50, I would buy it." It was $92. I left the bag but came back in the evening. Mom said she'd planned to spend a little more on my birthday, and she had a coupon from the hotel--25% off. I got the purse for $37! Incredible. I think I'll use it for a long time, along with some of the other great purses I have. I can fit the usual items plus a book, a journal, and a water bottle!

For dinner on Monday, we had she crab soup, an abundance of mussels for Mom, and an abundance of grilled asparagus for me. That asparagus was so good.

Mom had brought bottled water and tiny bottles of apple juice. We soon learned that the water bottles wouldn't last through the second day.

On Tuesday, we went to the Biltmore. I hadn't been there in some thirteen years. The house was gorgeous as always, and as always, I barely made it up the stone spiral staircase. An exhibit showed mannequins (not scary) in costumes created from period photographs. Mom and I kept choosing and changing our favorites. One cream lace dress was covered with gold polka dots. A servant mannequin held a dress that was black with rose embroidery. Another favorite was an off-the-shoulder, black velvet gown (for a ball?) and a stunning brooch dripping with rubies.

I still want to swim in that pool. But probably not by myself.

We explored the little shops. In the Christmas one, I loved a figure of Mary, Joseph, and Jesus, all beautiful and affectionate in a way I've never seen in a nativity scene. It was $50, so I didn't buy it, but I wondered where I could put it. It seems so like a reminder...that Jesus brought and was love and joy? That Mary and Joseph loved each other even after so much hardship. I think I'd like the piece even if I weren't a believer.

Mom kept buying water bottles. I drank them and refilled them with tap water. My thirst is almost like another entity in my life.

We went to The Lobster Trap for our last dinner. We split a giant Caesar salad and each ordered the Alaskan King Crab with potatoes and corn on the cob. It was pretty much perfect.

Back at the hotel, I wanted to read or write, but I was so sleepy. We watched some of October Sky.

On Wednesday morning, Mom trimmed my hair. The ends look much better now.

We went to a sort of petting zoo area that Mom had found. We saw two little brown goats named Cinder and Ella. Of course.

As we left the property, we decided to stop at a little gift shop. I saw many lovely objects. But I saw a silver, slim rectangular pair of earrings that sparkled blue, pink, and lavender. I bought them and wore them two days in a row.

The ride back to Charlotte was smooth and quick...probably because I would keep my mouth shut. The trip to Fayetteville wasn't fun, but I was glad to be home. Apparently, the boys didn't miss me much...so I can go on these trips! Big thanks to all the menfolk who encouraged us to go.

Every time I wear the earrings or go out with the purse, I think about our wonderful days and evenings in Asheville.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 17.

I had a great week last week. I'll soon tell you all about my trip with Mom.

Bruce and I finished reading Dear Evan Hansen, which we both liked. We're starting a book I chose, A House at the Bottom of a Lake, by the author who wrote Bird Box, which we both loved. I've begun reading The Strange and Beautiful Sorrows of Ava Lavender, which, so far, is about a girl born with wings.

I want to read Libba Bray's Great and Terrible Beauty YA series. Melissa gave me two of the books, and I bought a used copy of the last.

So I have a lot of reading challenges. But books are often fulfilling too.

And Bruce and I watched The Silence together. Stanley Tucci! Not a boring moment.

And I forgot to write about Anastasia, the show Bruce and I attended before my trip. The music was lovely, and the costumes were so sparkly. I'm so grateful that we get to see a show almost every month. It pries open my hard.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 16.

Last week, Bruce and I went for a morning walk on Monday after I dropped off Oliver at school. It's our new routine. The movement and the talking are good.

I ordered Ben Platt's solo album, Sing to Me Instead. I'm liking it more and more. Trying to connect with each song on an album is difficult, but I'm getting there. Most of the songs are soothing.

Miss K (Oliver's OT) told us that she is pregnant! She assured us that she would be back. I was so happy for her that I said, "Can I give you a hug?" So we hugged. Overwhelming happiness like that does not come to me often. And when it does, it usually flies in on mania. Not this time.

I've been singing so much lately, and Oliver has started singing too! I don't know how he remembers bits of lyrics, but it's adorable, and I'm sure it's good for him.

I've decided to start more manageable daily to-do wish lists instead of giant weekly lists.

I was brave when I agreed to pick up pizza for Oliver's classroom pre-spring-break party. I struggle with tasks like that.

I was also brave when I drove to Charlotte. Then, we went to Asheville in Mom's truck. Before I left, Oliver had leaned into my hug as though he knew. I'll write another post about the girls' trip. Spoiler: we had a great time.

I found this in my journal: I like a degree of challenge, a chance to be more myself, to change the story.

Favorite Feelings:

• Smooth, heavy paper under my fingertips.
• Josh's hand on my back.
• Good hand cream in the cracked spaces between my fingers.
• Sunlight falling on me through a window.
• The heat and disorienting dance of a fire.
• My legs slung over the armrest of my chair.
• Cold water when I'm parched (which is most of the time).
• The weight of a heavy necklace.
• Closing a book after the last page.
• Chocolate pudding mixed with whipped cream.
• Philadelphia caramel cheesecake cups.
• A thin, soft graphic T-shirt that reminds me of something I love.
• Starting to read a new E-book.
• The crunch of walnuts or pecans in any baked good.
• Drifting into a nap with a timer on.
• The delightful surprise of a sudden gift.
• Biting into a milk chocolate/white chocolate Lindt Lindor Truffle. I need a case because the flavor is limited edition! Just the sight of that pink foil wrapper with red and white hearts makes me happy.
• Falling asleep in sunlight.
• An unexpected letter from a friend.
• Hugging someone special.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 15.

I had mood swings this past week, and holding onto relative stability has been a challenge. For a day or two, getting out of bed was a struggle. I'd lie still with the tower fan blowing on me. Existing seemed to be all I could do.

I was feeling bad on Sunday night, and Josh told me to go for a walk. I didn't want to, but I got my headphones and went. I did feel somewhat better afterward.

But the week had joy too. I told Josh that I thought we should try to be more affectionate because it's good for us and probably good for Oliver. So Josh and I have stayed closer to each other, kissing and hugging more. I start to crave more of that contact.

Bruce and I continued reading Dear Evan Hansen. It's held my attention more than most books lately. I'll be sad when it's over. But I still have a big book about the show to read.

My dearest friend, Keely, sent me a gorgeous card with a pop-up castle inside. She wrote that I was inspiring and that my blog made her believe in magic as an adult. I treasure those words. I'd keep the blog going even if it were just for her.

Next week, the boys have spring break. Mom and I decided (with our guys' support) that we would go on a girls' trip! So on Sunday, I'll drive to Charlotte (by myself...), and we'll go to Asheville. I made hotel reservations, and I'm so excited. This drive will be a challenge, and I'll miss my boys. But the trip will nourish me--beauty, charm, conversation, discovery. The weather is going to be warm enough that I won't have to wear tights with my dresses.

Most nourishing experiences seem to require me to overcome a challenge. I've only been away from Oliver once for one night. Three nights will be tough. But I still think the trip will be wonderful.

Regarding Bruce.

I had been working at the college for about a year and a half when Bruce arrived. My hopes were that he would be competent and that he would stay. I tried to help and encourage him. Bruce and Josh started to E-mail about master's thesis topics. I talked to Bruce more than anyone else at work.

I remember Josh saying, "You need a friend. You need to invest in someone other than me." This sounded like a terrible idea, but I was liking Bruce more and more.

And then, 6 years yesterday, I messaged Bruce to ask if he wanted to carpool with me. I was about an hour drive. Normally, I hate driving, and driving with a passenger makes it quite unsettling. But, astonishingly, I wanted to talk to this guy for two hours a day.

I spilled my guts in E-mails, partly hoping I'd scare Bruce away but also just to be upfront. But he was kind and steadfast. I was often a mess--moody, hyper, hopeless, jealous, needy, combative, and worse.

Now, we can see that some (if not nearly all) of that was undiagnosed bipolar disorder and panic disorder. Bruce stuck with me and encouraged me in my attempts to treat my illness once I had the professionals in place. I'd say that time with Bruce became medically necessary.

We've seen dozens of shows and movies and we've read some 20+ books together. We motivate each other. He's on "the council" with Josh and my mom--I turn to them for guidance and insight. Josh has been fully supportive of the friendship.

Bruce is one of the kindest, most gentle, and most loving people I know. I feel wonderful knowing that I've kept his interest for 6 years.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 14.

This past week, Bruce and I finished our 21st tiny book club pick, The Memory of Light. That's my first young adult book for my spring focus. Reading fiction about mental illness is interesting and strange, as if my story were open to everyone. I guess it is if people take notice.

Bruce and I also had our first early-Monday-morning walk. It was easy, and I loved talking to my friend for an hour. We inspected bugs and flowers.

I had major trouble with reading and writing. I'm trying to get back to daily practice of literacy--one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. But I have to keep giving it to myself.

Josh and I snuggled a lot since he had a few early mornings free.

Bruce took me to see Pet Sematary, which was more daring than I expected.

And Bruce and I began to read the novelization of Dear Evan Hansen. I love it so far.

I also bought Ben Platt's (the original Broadway Evan) newish CD. I'm listening to it song by song in the car. What a talented guy.

And I watched a concert version of the Secret Garden musical, which stars Ramin Karimloo, Sierra Boggess, and Ben Platt! Amazing! I'm hoping for a revival.

My week was mostly full of nourishment. I'll try to challenge myself more this week.