Restoration: Week 47.

This past week, I read only a little poetry. But I read many tiny stories. They seem to patch me up somehow. I don't know if I could really writer that way. I do have lists of story ideas and first lines. Perhaps some tiny stories wait among those.

We spend two nights in Charlotte with Mom and Shane. Thanksgiving lunch was delicious. I probably had three slices of pumpkin pie while we were there. We love to eat pie for breakfast. It's a restorative joy.

James and I talked a great deal about movies. Mom asked about our favorites, telling James, "Your sister thinks questions are love." Yes!

Shane drove Mom and me all around on Friday. We went to Cheap Joe's Art Stuff, a place that plants me firmly in the concrete but also makes me feel like I'm floating. I chose 20 dark metallic and glitter Gelly Roll pens (my perennial favorite) for my upcoming journals. We stopped at a yarn shop for Mom (we all need our tools) and a mini bundt cake bakery for Shane (my carrot cake bundt lasted two days). I mentioned Paper Source, and there we were! I love the atmosphere and merchandising. It makes me think that some creativity is about to bubble out of me. The rubber stamps were lovely: a trees with star-like leaves, You Are Magical, and a cluster of snowflakes. It was a restorative day, soaking up beauty and potential beauty.

We had dinner snacks (my favorite! Salami, cheese, and this time, Mom's crab dip!) on Friday night. I drank soda, jumping off the one-soda-a-week wagon temporarily. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

I finished a journal on Sunday. Getting ready to start a new journal is a thrill.

The week restored my joy and many of my connections. I'm grateful for that.

A Bold Reader: Week 47.

This past week, I almost finished Authority, the second book of the sci-fi trilogy Bruce and I have been reading. I should finish it today.

I finished reading Best Small Fictions 2016, the third in the series of tiny stories I've read. I look forward to more. I've read them on my phone, and BSF18 is only in print right now, so we'll see. I began reading Bad Motel, a volume of 100-word stories. Tiny fiction fascinates me. I also caught up on reading a story for each day.

I fell behind on reading poetry. I didn't bring any on our trip to visit Mom & co. But I'll pick it back up.  Having silent baths was kind of nice.

I've read 29 books of poetry this year. Eventually, I'm hoping that reading all those poems will knock loose a few that are trapped in my head. I miss being a poet.

Freshen up Your Journal.

I've kept a regular journal, with some dry-ink spells, for eighteen years. My style has shifted in that time. Here are some tips from my experience:

• Choose a beautiful blank book, but more importantly, choose one that matches your style and tools. If you don't have a lot of space when you write, a spiral journal is a good, compact choice. If you prefer to use gel pens, fountain pens, or even markers, choose a journal or sketch book with sturdy pages. I try to have thick pages in all my journals so that my tools can shift with my mood and location. A fountain pen is lovely at home, but a ballpoint may be best for a park bench. For more about shopping for a journal, click here.
• Keep a to-do wish list in your journal. Make a list in your journal of what you would love to accomplish in a day, week, or month. I use weekly lists. Because I do this, I don't have to keep a separate planner (apart from Google Calendar). I make it colorful and detailed. I keep the list marked with a sticky flag, so I can easily flip back and check my progress. The best part of my to-do wish list is that it is just that: I don't expect to accomplish everything in that week, but I have clear directions for myself and where I'm going. I try to check off half the items.
• Use sticky flags. Pick flags you like! These character flags are my favorite. The flags can mark lists, prompts, and ideas.
• Use sticky notes. This is another reason I can get by without a paper planner. I have large blue, lined Post-Its, and I put them on the endpapers and inside the covers of my journal. These are where I collect story ideas, writers' names, book titles, movie titles, questions, and other lists. When I start a new journal, I either put the notes in my new journal, or I copy the lists into a blue glitter spiral notebook I use for that purpose.
• Keep a wish list on the last page. I add and cross off as I go, and I copy whatever is still relevant into the next journal. I especially try to keep up with names of, for example, Urban Decay eyeshadows I want. When I have a little money, or someone needs a gift idea, my list is ready.
• Play with stickers. I add stickers to every other spread, just to add some whimsy. Sometimes, the coming surprise makes me write more.
• Color coordinate. I've never wanted to use the same ink colors for adjacent journal entries (except in my first journal, which I think I filled with thick black ink). If the colors change day by day, I have a much easier time finding something I've written down (I may remember that it was a pink day). I used to use any colors that didn't clash with the cover. But now, I use only colors that cover art uses. I tried three colors, but two is much easier to manage. When I began my current journal, which shows Cinderella's pink dress, I checked all my pen cups and bags for pink and gold pens. The pens went into my glittery silver ipsy bag. When I start another journal, I'll switch out the colors. I also color coordinate the stickers I use. I love consistent color in various shades and finished. When I respond to a prompt or make a list, I use a different color pen, and I mark the entries with a horizontal (not finished) or a vertical (finished) sticky flag.

My journal is a big part of my life. I don't know enough about bullet journaling, and I don't have time or focus for art journals, but my journal still reflects who I am and who I want to be.

Restoration: Week 46.

I'm almost done with my Christmas shopping! Something about shopping for others is restorative, and it's guilt-free shopping! Everything is laid out by person on the guest bed, waiting for wrapping.

We had so much rain this past week. I should be more thankful for it--it renews.

I've had some symptoms of mania this past week. I saw my psychiatrist on Friday, and he made a few changes to my meds. I hope the changes will restore me.

I finished Best New Poets 2008. I'm so glad that I've kept the ritual of reading poetry aloud each night. It soothes me and presses me firmly into the moment.

Bruce and I finished watching season 1 of American Horror Story. We've been so excited about the show, and we have six seasons left! I love how it makes me feel glad, exuberant. 

I've been lighting candles during the day. Just watching a flame dance through the frosted glass restores me. And the wood wick candles have a comforting crackle.

A Bold Reader: Week 46.

So I've reached 56 books. I should be able to read to my extra goal of 60 books this year. The weeks are rapidly passing.

This past week, I finished Best New Poets 2008. I bought the book when it was new and only just now took the time to read it. I don't know if the series even exists anymore. But I finally read the book!

I replaced it with poet Kim Dower's Air Kissing on Mars, which, I think, it my third KD book.

I love slim volumes of poetry, but I also like anthologies with a variety of voices, most of which I'd never read otherwise. It's like a multi-vitamin for the mind and soul.

I often think poetry is soul-speak. It's a language in which I try to become fluent, and enough dialects exist to keep me learning all my life.

The Wonder of the Wist List.

I love a good list, as you may have noticed. When I was growing up, I loved pros and cons lists. I'd make them when deciding whether or not I (or a friend) should break up with a guy. My darling friend Melissa even bought me a Knock Knock pros and cons list pad. I made lists for her too.

My 40 before 40 and my 30 before 30 lists have at least given me and dusty map or a cloudy compass to keep me, at least, going in a good direction.

I've written Reasons I Love You lists, and I've received a few in return.

My to-do lists were lengthy when I was in 6th grade. Now, my weekly to-do lists are almost out of control. I write them in my journal, taking up two or more pages and still ending up with items crawling on the margins. My actual goal is to complete half the items on my list for the week. The lists are detailed and repetitive. What I don't achieve goes on the next list, or I decide the task isn't important. The lists are unrealistic, but they remind me about the kind of person I want to be in my daily life and with my long-term goals.

But the greatest of all lists is the Wish List. I've had one on Amazon for many years. I should probably clean it up. The list and recommendations steer me toward great discoveries. I put wish lists on my blog occasionally, mixing wishes for objects and experiences. I keep a wish list at the back of my current journal, usually including hard-to-find objects (red rhinestone earrings), books or notebooks, and makeup items. I edit the list when I copy it into my new journal.

Wish lists also express or reveal who I am and what sort of creature I am becoming or want to be.

Some Stuff I Just Love Right Now.

• Makeup Remover Farmacy Green Clean Makeup Meltaway Cleansing Balm. Long name, but just a little of the balm quickly wipes away my eye makeup, whatever pigment or glitter I'd been wearing.
• Pentel Sparkle Pop Pens. The truth? I buy a pack each time I go to Target.
• The poet Mary Oliver.
• Peter Pauper Press journals, of course.
• Character sticky flags (get 'em here). I use them in every book I read.
• Leggings that pass as pants.
• Tiny owls.
• Blush.
• Black metal jewelry.
• Socks with shea butter.
• Lilac scent.
• My black washcloths with white hearts.
• Wearing pink.
• My Disney Princess pajamas.
• A blue glitter notebook from Mom, which I use for lists such as Books and Writers to Read, Story Ideas, and Movies to Watch.

Restoration: Week 45.

Major restoration: the new theatre season has begun!

Bruce and I went to see Hamilton. I didn't know what to expect. It didn't seem like something that would interest me much, but of course, with its wild success, I was curious.

And it was great! The rap-esque songs, the choreography, the lighting, the ensemble, even the minimal sets and costumes impressed me. It was a great way to start the new season, and it refreshed my heart. Today, Mama said that theatre is medicine for my soul. So true. As I keep up with the medicine for my body and mind, I need to remember the soul.

Bruce and I also went to see Bohemian Rhapsody. We liked it. It made me remember my dad introducing me to so much music when I was small. Those are restorative memories.

And Bruce and I have been watching American Horror Story. It's not what I'd call restorative, but it's certainly refreshing. What a brilliant new approach to horror and overall storytelling! I can't wait to see more.

I do feel strong; I used to have no tolerance for horror--I would be messed up for weeks or months. The idea of horror has always fascinated me, but I couldn't handle it. Now, I don't think it's desensitization exactly, but after my own horrors (I know real fear), my courage has deepened--an astonishing restoration. I see the scary as entertaining and thought-provoking. I often analyze movies for a long time, and I love talking about movies with those I love. My brother, James, and I take movies seriously in a way that may be unusual. I'm glad we can share that.

Oliver wasn't feeling very well last week, and a few days ago, we took a nap together. He gave up his nap so many years ago, but I felt I had him, little again, in my arms.

Josh and I went to 2nd and Charles with our free time on Friday. Josh spotted a Michael Ball CD (Marius in Les Mis, Raoul in Phantom). It has some great songs, such as Phantom ones he must have wanted to try; "Lift the Wings," a gorgeous song from Riverdance, "Seasons of Love," and "Tell Me on a Sunday." $4!

A year or more ago, I found a lovely purple T-shirt with words from Darcy's little confession of love. I guess $20 seemed like too much. But while we were there the other day, I found it on sale for $5! I also bought a $3 copy Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats. Cats the musical is based on this book, so it's silly that I've never read it. Cats is the last show of the theatre season, and I will be prepared!

This week was full of bright spots and some sustaining light.

A Bold Reader: Week 45.

This past week, I finished Twenty Days & Nights, poems by c. b. eady. I like the impact of brief poems.

I looked at magazines--something I always mean to do but don't find time for. But the good thing (other than the soothing effect) about Oliver loving to shred paper is that it pushes me to give him my magazines...and I want to read or peruse them first. I've mainly looked at Glamour issues that Bruce brought me from the college library. I'll soon work on the two-shelves-worth of my own magazines. I love the ethereal advertisements and the bright colors, the crinkling streamers of ideas.

I began reading Winter Hours, which is actually a book of essays and prose poems in addition to regular poems. Mary Oliver said in the introduction that the contents are autobiographical, so I'm counting the book as poetry and as a memoir for my fall focus.

I've been thinking about starting a collection of The Phantom of the Opera books in various editions and with different cover art. When Josh and I went to 2nd and Charles, I saw three different covers. I'd want to display them somehow.

I've now read 55 books this year. My goal was 50, so I feel pretty bold. I like surprising myself that way.

Christmas Pajamas.

One of my favorite childhood memories is of my grandparents giving or sending me pajamas to wear on Christmas Eve. All my many cousins got pajamas. Usually, they were the same styles for the girls and for the boys. We came down the staircase as a small parade for our parents' cameras.

I remember a long white nightgown with red ribbon and matching robe. I remember blue flannel pants and a solid blue tee. We usually got something extra such as a robe, slippers, or a plush toy. I kept the pajamas until they wore out. I was sad when I was too old to get them anymore.

Some years, my mom-in-law gives me pajamas (a turquoise snowflake set), and some years, my mom does (a blush set with button-down top). But last year, I bought myself Christmas pajamas, just in case. I found an ivory thermal set with images of the Disney princesses. I already got my Christmas pajamas for this year (just in case): a gray and ink top that says If the tiara fits and fleece-lined, pale pink pants with beautiful sketches of the Disney princesses. I'm wearing them now! I keep washing them so I can wear them anytime.

Still, I hope Santa will send me some Christmas pajamas. That's a size large now, Santa.

As a Parent (with a Guest Writer!).

Josh and I worked on this together.

Josh:

As a parent, I want to be sure that 

• Oliver can see himself in others.
• Oliver knows that I love him even if he’s never able to understand what the words mean.
• Oliver can express his emotions in healthy ways.
• The world Oliver inherits doesn’t break his heart as much as it breaks mine.
• Oliver can recognize fear and not feel that he must react to it with anger or violence.
• I want to be sure that Oliver can interrogate his own emotions.
• Oliver knows that he’s not the only one who is afraid of the noises, sights, and sensations around him.
• Oliver can express his feelings of affection. 
• I want to be sure that Oliver sees beauty in the world and understands that it must be protected.
• Oliver understands that when I die, I didn’t abandon him and that I didn’t want to leave him.

Me:

As a parent, I want to be sure that

• Oliver never feels a lack of affection from me.
• I give Oliver as many hugs and cuddles as he needs.
• Oliver knows about my illness in a way that makes him more aware and more compassionate.
• As much as possible, I fill his mind with beautiful thoughts and memories.
• Oliver grows to love books and reading.
• Oliver eats enough (a tough one!).
• Oliver learns how to be kind to others.
• Oliver accepts his autism and does not get discouraged.
• Oliver always feels loved and supported.
• I do all I can to help him choose and be a respectful, gentle, and loving partner.
• I help him lead a substance-free life until he is old enough to have alcohol in moderation. 
• I say no only when it really matters.
• I teach him the value of patience by letting him wait.
• I learn him learn to appreciate and moderate his emotions. 
• He knows how much people love him.
• He knows he can tell me anything.

Right Now Wishes: 11.8.18

I wish

• All the movies and shows were streaming for free from one place.
• For sparkly red earrings--silver ones and gold ones (not easy to find!).
• To see myself with a little more clarity.
• For an aquarium in the wall.
• To return to size 4!
• For easy hair curling. Snap!
• To be pen pals with Sierra Boggess.
• For beautiful, mismatched dishes from Anthropologie.
• I had a dressing room with everything arrange by color.
• For better reading focus.
• To learn gorgeous lettering.
• For someone to get a kitten I can cuddle.
• To go out to eat with Josh once a week.
• For fairy lights over my bed.
• To stop snoring.
• To have perfectly clear skin.
• For my wedding rings to fit again.
• For a windchime made of antique keys.
• A quilt made off my old T-shirts.
• To put all our pictures and art back on the walls (and for Oliver to be done with tearing everything down).
• For no bloating.
• I could draw well.
• For the ability to play any instrument I touch.
• To see Starlight Express.
• To see Sunset Boulevard again.
• To be a better friend.
• For a cleaned-out car.
• For a garden tub in a master suite.
• Mrs. Grossman's sticker factory--here!
• For a painless nose piercing.
• For a nearby, non-sketchy roller skating rink.
• To read all of Andrew Lang's colorful books of fairy tales.
• For Aunt Linda to come back and read me stories. 
• To talk to my grammy, even for an hour.
• To spend another evening with Kay and Joseph Bathanti, Cathy Smith Bowers, and Alan Michael Parker.

Restoration: Week 44.

This past week, I haven't done much general scribbling in my journal, but I've responded to many of my prompts in pink ink. Many of those responses (including this one!) morph into blog posts. The process restores me.

I finished reading Mary Oliver's House of Light. I love her poems. I wish I could always have a book of hers waiting for me.

Bruce and I watched two episodes of American Horror Story, and we are hooked. I jitter with anticipation for the next episode. The show is so unique and layered, and the cast is stellar. Who knows when we'll catch up? I have so many great memories of watching TV shows with people I love, and I think they revive our relationships. That may be a future blog post.

I've been thinking about Christmas for a while already. I've done all my shopping for four key family members. The others will be tougher, but I do have some ideas. Giving gifts or prizes (small gifts for no reason) to others renews something in my heart.

A Bold Reader: Week 44.

This past Sunday, I finished House of Light by Mary Oliver. Her poems are soothing in an Billy-Collins way yet more complex. I've now read three of her books, and I have two waiting. I love finding new (to me) poetry.

I've been trying to read five days' worth of the Bible every day, so I can catch up. Reading around Oliver isn't easy. But I got through Psalms, Proverbs, and Song of Solomon this past week. I don't know why I got so behind.

I have found myself procrastinating with some of my reading. I was so excited about getting Francesca Lia Block's book on writing, Necklace of Thorns, but it came inviting, and I haven't opened the book. Why? I also cut it close with Tiny Book Club books. I guess something, reading or otherwise, always seems more urgent. I should be past that.

I read some of Small Fictions 2016 while I waited for Oliver to fall asleep. I've really come to appreciate books on my phone. I've been reading at least one story for each day.

Wearing Green.

Some years ago, I wrote a short story with this title. A young man goes to a party and meets a girl who believes that wearing green empowers and protects her. Green has been magical for me sometimes too.

In 2009, I graduated from Queens University's MFA program. Part of my final residency was a public reading from my thesis. My mom said I could wear her silky emerald button-down, which I loved. I felt striking and confident, and my reading went well.

At the college where I used to work, I ended up giving a seminar on workplace English. It was the end of a long day, and everyone would be there--faculty, staff, administration. I wore a black suit with elbow-length jacket, and I pulled my hair back. I wore a Kelly green button-down. The presentation went well.

My last example is from my dad's wedding. A parent's wedding is weird at best, and I didn't know what to expect, especially of myself. I couldn't find a good dress to wear, and I needed to feel calm and confident. I decided on an ivory jacket with ivory pinstripe pants. I wore them with a moss green V-neck and my favorite shoes--green wedge Mary Janes (they've since fallen apart--I miss them!). Everything was okay.

I should wear green more often.

What Amazes Me.

• My mom's gardens. Wherever she is, she makes flowers bloom.
• Stage sets and set changes. How do people make sets so astonishing yet portable?
• CDs. I can't began to ponder how they work.
• Red carpet gowns. I wonder what it would be like to have someone dress me, do my hair, and apply my makeup for an event like that. The last time this happened was when Mom styled me for Josh and my wedding.
• People who can really rollerskate or iceskate.
• My dad's work. He can talk to robots!
• How makeup and nail polish brands keep creating new colors, finishes, and effects.
• My mom's beautiful knitting and sewing projects.
• The wildly orange trees in front of a nearby gas station. 
• On stage costume quick changes. How?
• The massive body of fairy tales, legends, and retellings. 
• Horror movies. I'm fascinated by what kind of research and tradition must go into figuring out what scares people and why.
• People who have trained their bodies in amazing ways (dancers, especially).
• Sculpture. How can one carve a smooth figure out of stone?
• Catching a glimpse of a snowflake's shape before it melts.
• People who make objects of blown glass.
• ER nurses who must be fried but still smile genuinely and listen.
• People who work with children who have special needs.
• Children who speak fluently with their parents and friends.
• Josh's research.
• Gorgeous lettering.
• The way I react to the scent of Oliver's hair. Yes, he's my baby for sure.
• The evolution of writing tools--a book on it must exist.
• Ancient Egyptian art.
• The survival and evolution of myths.

Restoration: Week 43.

Watching movies, alone or with others, almost always restores me. It gives me new ideas to ponder, and favorite shared moments or quotations can add a strand to a bond.

This past week, I watched The Quiet Ones by myself. I like Olivia Cooke from Bates Motel. The Quiet Ones had an interesting premise but seemed rushed. Of the two twists, the small one was best, but no one really explored it.

Also by myself, I watched 3 Generations (formerly titled Ray or About Ray, which is why I couldn't find it for so long). With a stellar cast, the movie follows Ray, a transgender boy who is ready to start taking hormones while all the adults in his life are uneasy and overwhelmed but loving. Elle Fanning was good as always. And I don't even have to elaborate on Susan Sarandon. I appreciate movies that help me understand others, especially others in pain I've never experienced.

With Bruce, I watched The Lodgers, which was intriguing and unsettling. The combination of themes made it a surprisingly unique story. I would read the book!

Josh and I had last Friday together! He needed to get some running shoes (and as the moment, we can actually afford them!), so we went to Dick's. I walked to Home Goods and soaked up the Christmas silver and snowflakes. I saw a low, purple velvet bench with a low back and sides--it would be beautiful at the foot of our bed.

I walked on to Hobby Lobby, which is just huge. Most of the gel pen sets and stickers were 50% off! We went to World Market, which feels like a rich and tranquil place.

Josh and I went to lunch at Chili's. We even shared a dessert. I think that time together restored our bond.

On Saturday, my mom and Shane came to watch Oliver while Josh and I went to Josh's brother, Zach's, wedding. While Josh and Oliver met up with a relative, Mom and Shane took me to Carrabbas--always so satisfying.

The wedding was beautiful--I intend to write a little more about it later. Now, I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers. That feels like restoration.