A Page from My Journal: March 14, 2022.

 

I'm planning to get in another hour of reading before I get ready...maybe poems and Revelator. Maybe Writing Radar too. Maybe I'll really get into Revelator soon. I just have to give it more of a chance. I'll return 3 books to the library. Only one of them is late. But I'm making progress. I need to rearrange my library book bin. Everything might fit in it now. I'll end up with 35 books today. Whittling it down, book by book.

I'll never forget a couple of calls. Queens, Margie. Both amazing. I can still hardly believe I got into Queens. I wasn't very good. I don't know what I sent. Arguably, I'm still not very good, but Queens made me much better. I like the ideas of a full-time residency MFA. Maybe for fiction. I could really use help learning how to write fiction. I guess the best way is for me to read more of what I want to write...and take classes when I can. I do need to read more memoirs to prepare for working on my own. The amount of reading I need to do is overwhelming (and exciting) and so far beyond a mere 100 books a year. But I'm about 1/3 of the way to my goal for the year, which makes me confident that I'll reach it and that I may even exceed it. I need to get my work out too. I'm reporting some submissions as never responded, ones that are over a year old. I'm going through those as I update duotrope.

I drained the Gold Shadow pink pen. This is a metallic pink Uni-ball Signo. It doesn't want to write very well. Frustrating. It has a lot of ink left.

I'm really hoping we can get a new dresser this summer, one that's going to last for decades. A little girl would be excited to have our current dresser. We'll see what kind of work Josh has this summer.

Stillness & Attention: Week 12.

Day 1: Saturday. Yesterday, Josh bought me Robin McKinley's Outlaws of Sherwood from a book sale the college library was having. This morning, I finished reading The Girl Who Drank the Moon to the boys! It was so good. That's my fourth book for the week, 13th book for the month, 37th book of the year. And 875 books total. How have I not read 1,000 books yet? What have I been doing all this time? Well, much of the time, I have been reading. But at this point in my life, I can read a lot more. I should have little trouble getting to 1,000 books by my 40th birthday. This book is also the 15th long book I've read to Oliver.

My favorite author, Francesca Lia Block, has started a new class on LitReactor: The New Myth. I was very tempted to take it, but I told myself I wouldn't spend money on classes this year. Hopefully, she'll offer it again. I need to get better acquainted with Greek mythology in preparation. 

I finished Wounds! That book is not for the sensitive of spirit, mind, or stomach. Nope. 

Day 2: I started reading Writing Radar last night. It's pretty fun. I'll try to finish it today. I have more books that are about to be late. Hrrmm. I've suspended all my holds until I can catch up. I won't be going to the library today because Oliver has the day off school. But I'll try to return at least a few books on Tuesday.

I'm itching to spend money today. Our Facebook fast has ended, and I immediately saw an ad for gorgeous linen journals. And look at these darling star pajamas! And what about these star pajamas? But I'm not spending. I am stronger than my cravings. To underscore that, I've started reading Soulful Simplicity by Courtney Carver. 

I finished Writing Radar. Then, Oliver had a meltdown, not understanding that we couldn't find the video he wanted. It was so loud and awful. After medication calmed him down some 45 minutes later, we went to the backyard. I saw so many wild violets in the yard. I wrote a poem called "The Poem I Remember," about the afters. Every pain can be a poem. It's not worth it. But it's something to do.

Today marks the end of winter. I've only read five or six children's books this season, which isn't great. But I did read important books (George) and books I've meant to read for a long time (Peter Pan and Wendy, The Girl Who Drank the Moon). Spring is beginning, and I'll shift my focus to YA literature. Honestly, though, I probably won't get to much YA for a while. More books are due! But once I catch up, I'll explore the YA section at the library and see what I find.

Day 3: Oliver doesn't have school today. Josh will be busy most of the day with work and a Moderna trial appointment. I'm hoping I won't see a reprise of what happened yesterday. The meltdowns are harder when I'm alone. But Oliver seems relaxed today, relaxing on his crash pad and on the huge fairy and mermaid pillow I brought downstairs.

Last night and this morning, I read some of Madeleine L'Engle's Many Waters to the boys. I haven't liked any of the Time books as much as Wrinkle, but finishing the series is one of my 40 before 40 goals. Two books left!

I've read Claire Keegan's novella Small Things Like These today. It's subtle, short, and frightening. I've written two poems today, "March" and "Concrete Stroll," and I applied for a writing fellowship. That's my writing work for the day! I'm writing with a Stardust Gelly Roll Red Star pen. I'm down to the last couple of pens my friends have sent me!

Day 4: Two new poems: "Contrary" and "Pilgrimage." I read a lot of Together in a Sudden Strangeness last night. Josh showed some interest in reading it, and I want him to be able to read it at his own pace, so I ordered him a copy. It also just seems like a book we should have at home.

I finished the book today. 

Day 5: I spent a chunk of the day at the dentist, trying to keep my mouth wide open and breathe through my nose while I felt like I was drowning. Now, my jaw aches. I'm about to take ibuprofen p.m. I ordered a new toothbrush because mine died. I forgot to ask for the prescription toothpaste I'm supposed to use, so I'll have to go back.

A spark: Moon Cheese. Crunchy cheese in a pouch at the Food Lion registers. 

Another spark: Josh said he had a certain amount of clinical trial money, which we can't really use for anything practical. "This money exists outside space and time," he said. "Is there anything you want?" There was. A necklace, within $3 of that liminal amount with tax and shipping. It will arrive on the 30th.

I've read from five books today. I started reading Reasons to Stay Alive aloud to Josh. I also read aloud two chapters of Many Waters to the boys. I read more of Soulful Simplicity. I started The Beauts, a chapbook (for the daily goal read poems) and Snow White and Rose Red (for the daily goals read in focus [YA] and read a fairy tale). 

Because my dress challenge ended on Monday, I've worn jeans for two days. Jeans and pink. It feels great. For the next four days, I don't have to go anywhere, drive anywhere, or even put on real clothes. I can be exactly what I am, whatever that may be.

Day 6: I finished Soulful Simplicity and wrote down a lot of little quotations. One of my favorite terms Carver used was joyful discipline. Hmm. I may have to revisit that. 

I've continued to read Many Waters to the boys. It's going to be a strange one. I'd like to finish it this month, so we'll see how much of it I can manage this weekend. I also read a little of Reasons to Stay Alive to Josh, which I plan to do whenever we have some time together. And I continued with The Beauts and Snow White and Rose Red. 

Terri McCord, who wrote The Beauts and went to the MFA program I attended, has won several awards, a fellowship, and nominations for a Pushcart and Best of the Net! Life goals. I hoped I'd write a poem today, but I didn't. I haven't been doing enough writing work. I've been editing my story "Ruby" to send to an online journal. It's so old that I put two spaces between sentences! "Ruby" made it to the final round with another magazine, so I feel confident that it's good. I've only published a couple of stories, and I haven't written very many. I'm hoping that during my Short Story Summer, I'll get back into writing short fiction. As a grad student, I forced myself to write a short story every Wednesday. It was a total chore, and I had no idea what I was doing. But I forced myself to sit with my computer and start. Stillness and attention! Poems sometimes just come, but showing up and being brave is always necessary. I need to show up more.

I began reading Neverland by Piers Dudgeon. It's about the connection between Daphne du Maurier and J. M. Barrie--I didn't know there was a connection. I thought the book would be dry, but it's quite absorbing. I think it's also going to be disturbing, but after having read Rebecca and two books of du Maurier's short stories (and after finally having read Peter Pan and Wendy), I'm eager to learn more. Du Maurier's stories are among my favorites, there with Shirley Jackson, Kelly Link, Angela Carter, and Karen Russell.

Day 7: I sent five poems to a literary magazine and reformatted some other pieces for later submission. I'm trying to do some writing work each day, including at least three more submissions this month. I found a story I had completely forgotten.

Josh and I had a little time together this morning, and I read more of Reasons to Stay Alive to him. So far, some of it seems closer to my experience than Josh's because Haig dealt with a lot of anxiety. 

I finished the poetry chapbook The Beauts. That brings me to 880 total books. Next, I'm going to read Dorianne Laux's Facts about the Moon. 

I drained all the pens I've received from supportive friends! All await recycling through the Bic stationery program. Leah, one of my core friends from childhood, asked me for another pen wish list. I'm astonished at how my friends have encouraged me in my writing. Some of my favorite pens are on amazing sale, 30-40% off, and if this weren't a NoBuy year (and we had money), I'd buy several of each set. But I will use what I have and trust that I will have enough of everything I need. 

And My Thoughts Fly Apart: On Faith.

I am going through a crisis of mind, heart, and soul. 

I think of the lyrics to "Javert's Suicide" from Les Miserables.

"And must I now begin to doubt
Who never doubted all these years?"

Incidentally, I once posted (other) lyrics from this song, and no was said, "Oh, no, are you suicidal?" (I was). 

Most people of faith would invalidate me, my marriage, my family: adulterous, illegitimate. Queer people: unfit to exist. How can I reconcile that?

The very thought of church almost gives me a panic attack. Parts of the Bible nauseate me. So maybe they are right.

This is intensely personal and intensely painful, and I am alone with it. No one know about this. I cannot talk to anyone about it without drawing judgment or pity. I think of Styx's "Show Me the Way."

"I feel this empty place inside
So afraid that I've lost my faith."

I haven't felt this way since I was twelve. Through everything, faith was the nucleus of every cell. Now, I feel my cells starting to die. 

"And my thoughts fly apart."

"I am reaching, but I fall."

Dress Challenge: Days 31-40.

Days 31 and 32: Pajama days!

Day 33: Many years ago, my mom bought me a light pink dress at Anthropologie. It must have been on crazy sale. But I'd never worn it because it's completely sheer, and I couldn't figure that out. But today, I had the thought to wear it over my black dress. 

I wore pink jelly flats with gold glitter, gold earrings with pink rhinestones (which I think I bought at Target many years ago), and Urban Decay Naked Cyber palette eye shadow.

Day 34: Since we're having some gloomy weather, I decided to wear two of my favorite cardigans over a couple of days. Today, I wore my dress with a champagne glitter cardigan from The Limited, Anne Klein champagne glitter wedges, my Banana Republic key necklace, and Urban Decay Naked Ultraviolet palette eye shadow.

Day 35: Now comes my other favorite cardigan: a charcoal open sweater with silver glitter. I wore my Betsey Johnson peacock necklace, black jelly Mary Janes with multi-color glitter, and Revolution eye shadow.

Day 36: Pajama day! Josh got home early and did all the driving!

Day 37: St. Patrick's Day was yesterday, and I feel like wearing green. I wore my dress with an emerald short-sleeved cardigan from Loft (my mom and I each bought one year ago, thrilled to find something in that gorgeous shade of green), a gold necklace with green rhinestones (a Betsey Johnson knock-off I found on Ebay last year), green flats, and Urban Decay Liquid Moondust in Horizon, which is bronze with pink glitter. I also wore Urban Decay marshmallow body glitter on my arms and neck. More exposed skin means more space for sparkles!

Day 38-39: Pajama days!

Day 40: Today is the last day of my challenge. I don't have to go anywhere today as it a teacher work day for my son, but I did wear my dress today--just the dress, no accessories or makeup. It is a good dress, and I'll think to wear it more now. 

I had less laundry during these 40 days, but the best part was thinking differently about my jewelry, shoes, and makeup. I created about 30 unique outfits with one black dress. This showed me how big my wardrobe is and how often I neglect it. During the challenge, I also gave away about 40 pieces of clothing. Wearing one piece for more than a month made me less sentimental (the memories!), less guilt-ridden (what I spent!), and more practical (that long-ago size!) about my clothes. Not a single person has commented on the fact that I've worn the same dress for weeks. I don't think my husband would have noticed if I hadn't told him about the challenge. 

So who cares most about how I look? Me. Recognizing it is good. I'll dress to please myself.

Stillness & Attention: Week 11.

Day 1: I've had a hard time reading aloud to the boys because often, when I start reading, Oliver wants to go outside or watch videos. But this morning, I got to read 25 pages of The Girl Who Drank the Moon (which I'm really enjoying). I went back to reading Hope in the Mail and suddenly wanted to work on the second book in my YA fantasy series, so I did. I got some new ideas about a plot element, and I'm eager to see where it goes. Reading poetry sometimes prompts me to write poems; maybe reading about writing prompts me too. I journaled today with a Pentel Hybrid Dual Metallic pen in purple with red glitter. 

Josh and I changed our sheets and worked on laundry. I found out that my Paperblanks Grande journal will arrive late, which is a bummer. I was really looking forward to getting that today. But I have lots of great journals I can decorate. I have a phone lock screen image that says Use what you have. It's a good reminder.

Despite the cold and wind, Oliver has spent a lot of time in the backyard today. He's the happiest person I've ever met 95% of the time. But tonight, he's been trying to tell us something. He says, "I need some help," and looks at us earnestly, but we can't figure out what's wrong. Josh said, "That's a special kind of hell." We may never know.

Day 2: I'm writing with a Gelly Roll Stardust Green Star pen from the set Leah sent me. And I love my Mrs. Grossman's stickers.

I managed to read 33 pages of The Girl Who Drank the Moon to the boys today. I also finished reading Hope in the Mail. I wrote down a lot of encouraging quotations. I'm planning to read Writing Radar by Jack Gantos, a young readers book on pulling stories from one's journal. It will count toward my children's lit focus. I'm in the mood for nonfiction right now. Some of my library books are now two weeks late...oh dear. I hope this coming week will be a good reading week. I did finish four books this week and nine books this month. I'm now at 32 books for the year and 870 books total. I'm 14 books ahead of my goal, but I want to read even more.

I submitted five poems to a literary journal! I really want to get my work back out there.

Day 3: I got to spend a little of the morning with Josh. When he left for an appointment, I dove into Comfort Me with Apples by Catherynne M. Valente, and I finished it! It is beautiful and harsh. I think it's a book everyone ought to read but maybe especially men. Luckily, CMV has many more books, and I'm eager to read them. I'll check the library once I get caught up.

I also read several poems from Best American Poetry 2021, which spurred me to write a poem called "Set." Reading poems often reminds me of memories or ideas I've had for a long time but have never thought to use for a poem. 

I returned three books to the library. I'm still far behind, but I'm on the move. We're broke, and I've had little desire to spend money. We paid our steep taxes though, so that's one thing we don't have to worry about anymore. For now, Josh's car is working decently well. It's due for inspection in May, so that's probably when we'll have to make some decisions. We're not sure if Josh will be working this summer. Unknowns! But I'm happy today.

Day 4: I finished reading Best American Poetry 2021 and ended up liking it! I marked many lines and added many poets' books to my NoBuy2022 list. I have so many books on that list! I plan to check the library for every one when I can. Anything I can't find, I may buy next year. I'm happy to buy books of poetry. 

Today, I'm writing with an Ooly glitter pen in lavender. 

Day 5: I'm writing with another pen a friend sent me, this one a Gelly Roll Stardust pen in Blue Star.

I've started reading the book Together in a Sudden Strangeness: America's Poets Respond to the Pandemic. I'm still trying to read poems every day. Josh has shown a little interest in the book too. 

Day 6: I finished reading Revelator! It turned out to be very good-weird. Josh and I got a little time together this afternoon. We put away four loads of laundry in about 20 minutes! I wrote a poem called "Dressing," which is for my chapbook about raising Oliver.

Day 7: Josh and I got to spend the morning together. I wrote a poem called "Vacuum," another Oliver poem. I got back to reading Wounds. I finished reading two more of the stories. I have one story left and then two novellas. I returned Revelator to the library. Book by book.

Stillness & Attention: Week 10.

Day 1: I can't believe this is already the 10th week of the year! I'm nine weeks into NoBuy and 26 books toward my goal.

We're about 110 pages into The Girl Who Drank the Moon. The metaphors about magic (and personality? mental health?) are intriguing. At what point are our truest selves harmful? At what point does self-censorship make us cease to be ourselves? One of the characters says a great line: simply, "Poetry will help." Poetry helps me with loneliness, writer's reluctance, and mental sluggishness. 

I've been reading Wildwood Whispers, which I'm having a little trouble getting into. I started Honor Moore's Red Shoes: Poems. Poetry begets poetry! I wrote a poem called "The Keeper," and I submitted my second poetry manuscript, Call Me Luna, to the Four Way Books competition. Tomorrow, I plan to do the same with my first poetry manuscript. Formatting for a particular competition or publisher takes some time.

Day 2: I finished Red Shoes yesterday. Today, I started The Thorn, poems by David Larsen--a quirky book. I spent most of the morning reading George by Alex Gino. The first book I read about a transgender person was Luna by Julie Anne Peters. I remember reading it during a trip to Washington. It got me to think about issues that had only vaguely crossed my mind. More recently, I read Too Bright to See by Kyle Lukoff, a young readers book about an eleven-year-old transgender boy. I saw George on a list of banned books, so I asked the library for it. This one is about a ten-year-old transgender girl. I would say that I can't imagine what it would be like to be a transgender kid, but after reading these books, maybe I can imagine it a little. I'm glad books like these exist, both for the people who identify with the characters and for everyone else who wants to be a compassionate human.

28 books! I'd like to finish The Thorn and Wildwood Whispers by tomorrow afternoon so I can return them on my way to pick up Oliver from school. But now, I'm going to read to the boys and drink wild strawberry water out of a DPAC cup through a rainbow metal straw.

I finished The Thorn in the bathtub. I listened to Corinne Bailey Rae's The Heart Speaks in Whispers and The Love E.P. while I showered and gave myself a silver pedicure. Then, I submitted my first poetry collection, Little Droughts and Hurricanes, to the same competition I entered yesterday. I'm counting the two entry fees as professional expenses. I really need to work on my website, which exists but doesn't have any content yet.

Day 3: I had the morning with Josh. While he napped, I updated my website (still under construction but coming along) and wrote a new poem called "Backing Up." I've started reading How to Fly (In Ten Thousand Easy Lessons): Poetry by Barbara Kingsolver. I've only read her Prodigal Summer, which I loved. I have Poisonwood Bible around here somewhere. I've been writing with a pink Outliner pen.

I didn't finish WW, but I did return four books to the library. Oliver and I had a quiet afternoon, and Josh got home early from his final night class. I'm excited that I'll have him home on Monday nights now.

Day 4: I finally finished Wildwood Whispers this morning. I liked it fine. That's book #30 for the year! I'm 12 books ahead of schedule. That makes me feel less worried about any reading slumps I may encounter. I'm now starting Ormeshadow by Priya Sharma. 

I usually have time with Josh on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, but this week, he has long admin days. I'm encouraging myself to use the time well to read and to work on laundry...and maybe to clean up the space around my nightstand, which always gets cluttered. The sun is shining on the keyboard though I expected today to be cloudy. If I could easily sleep during the day, I'd take a sunshine nap.

I took Oliver to OT for the first time in months; his therapist just returned from maternity leave. I finished Ormeshadow, which I really liked. So now, I've read seven books this month. Getting to 10 books should be easy. I've been writing with a purple Outliner pen.

Day 5: Today, I've been writing in green. I drained a couple of pens and then opened a package of Pentel Slicci metallic pens. Sliccis are very fancy and usually very expensive. I got a few packs on sale last year. They feel special--slim and silvery.

I sent 10 poems to a contest today. I'm trying to rebuild the habit of submitting work, and lately, I've been entering contests. One of my 40 before 40 goals is to place in a writing contest. This isn't likely, but at least I'm trying. My poetry chapbooks came back, so I need to find another potential home for them. Most of my individual poems need to go out. I've started (barely) an Excel spreadsheet as a master list for all my pieces. 

I started reading Revelator last night. I don't remember why I placed a library hold on it, and I haven't read the jacket, so I don't know what to expect. It does have a fantasy sticker. If I like it, I'll have several more Daryl Gregory books to read. The cover is haunting. I'm also trying to finish How to Fly. 

I did catch up on some laundry. And I have gotten a few free treats. Philosophy is having a BOGO sale. I wanted to buy some products to keep as gifts for a family member, so I did that and got some free 3-in-1 gels for myself! I also ordered a Grande Paperblanks journal with Amazon points. I've been wanting that journal for a long time. I'll sticker it up when it gets here and write in it soon. I'll probably finish my current Novel Journal tomorrow.

Day 6: I finished my journal with a Gelly Roll Stardust Blue Star pen from the box Leah sent me. I'll always love Stardust pens. I remember going to Astoria, Oregon as a teenager. It was a family reunion at a convent-turned-B&B. While I was there, I wrote in a Flavia journal with a castle on it. I wrote on each page with a different Stardust pen. That was also the trip on which I discovered Amy Brown's fairy art.

I started my next journal, one I bought at Barnes about a year ago. It has shelves of books, 34 of them with titles. I've read 13 of them. I have a lot of reading to do.

For some of the day, I wrote with a Gelly Roll Gold Shadow pen in pink. It ghosts a lot, but it's very pretty. 

Today, I finished reading How to Fly (In Ten Thousand Easy Lessons), poems by Barbara Kingsolver. I ended up liking it a lot more than I expected! I wrote down a lot of lines in my Quotations and Magic Words composition book. I also started Hope in the Mail: Reflections on Writing and Life by Wendelin Van Draanen. I'm jumping around, trying to find a book I can sink into. I have several that are late, so it doesn't really matter which one I read first. I've read eight books this month though!

Day 7: Today, I get some time alone with Josh. He's been working a lot this week, so I've been looking forward to this. I was thinking yesterday about the loneliness I experience and how mild it is compared to the loneliness I felt with my first husband (I got married at 19). This loneliness is hopeful, reaching toward the next moment of intimacy and connection. That loneliness was hopeless, knowing none of that was coming. I'm grateful to be with Josh, who builds me up and creates safe spaces for me, who always wants me, and who strives for constant kindness. He is often better than I deserve. 

We're talking about going to Asheville in August so he can run a half marathon. We went on three trips last year (Southern Pines, Raleigh, and New York), and I didn't think we'd travel this year. But I'm looking at tiny houses we might rent for the weekend. Asheville won't be a fun during a NoBuy year, but we can just enjoy being alone together someplace where we can't work on laundry or dishes. We'll see if my mom and her husband are able to keep Oliver. We were looking at a run in June, but it's on a Sunday, which makes everything more complicated. 

I finished 30 days of my dress challenge! I'm just going to 40; the dress isn't going to handle many more washings. I've read some more of Hope in the Mail, and I'm getting back to Best American Poetry 2021. Now, I'll try to read some of The Girl Who Drank the Moon to the boys before I go to Bruce's to watch Locke & Key!

Dress Challenge: Days 21-30.

Day 21: Today, I wore my dress with a pink and purple striped cardigan, Betsey Johnson asymetrical princess earrings (crown on one and scepter on the other), purple flats (which I think have reached the end of their journey), and pink and purple eye shadow from the Urban Decay Moondust palette. My dress got an extra wash today because I splotched it with avocado. So far, it's holding up.

Day 22: It was too warm for a cardigan or tights. I wore my dress with my Betsey Johnson shaky charm heart necklace (one of my favorites) and pink floral heels. The dress continues to be a lint magnet as you can see. I wore iridescent lavender eye shadow from the Huda Rose Quartz palette--which I bought in New York!

Day 23: I wore my dress with lacy gray leggings, purple sequin flats,

Betsey Johnson purple snowflake earrings (which match my very first Betsey Johnson necklace), and Colour Pop purple and green Just a Glitch eye shadow. I also wore Urban Decay highlighter, hence the sparkle.

Wearing the same dress each day hasn't had a major impact on me. I think all my other clothes will seem new when I get back to them, and going through them objectively seems a little easier. I'm mostly just enjoy the mindful challenge of it. I went through my clothes and donated about 45 items to the nearby college's success closet! Now, we have hangers to spare, and since I haven't been wearing and washing them, all my clothes are put away.

Day 24-25: Pajama days!

Day 26: I wore my dress with a short-sleeved peppy purple cardigan, Betsey Johnson purple star earrings, and a purple Betsey Johnson charm bracelet (hand mirror, crown, ballet shoes, all a-sparkle). I wore Hard Candy Star eye shadow quartet in purples. 

Every day, I wear Urban Decay Stay Naked powder foundation (30CP now [light pink], 20CP [fair pink] in deep winter--I don't know about all the shades, but the line has a great variety of options for people with pale skin, including a 10NN ultra-fair neutral that is too pale even for me) and Thrive Causemetics Liquid Lash Extensions mascara (just dreamy in Brynn black).

Day 27: Today, I wore my dress with a white three-quarter sleeve cardigan with black polka dots, knit black Kate Spade espadrilles with white polka dots and grossgrain ribbon ties, Betsey Johnson mismatch fairy earrings, and Fenty Kilowatt Foil highlighter in purples. I love polka dots.

The dress itself is looking a little worse for wear after five recent washings, but it should survive through day 40 at least.

Day 28: A chilly, gloomy day. I brought out my tights again. I wore an open-weave Kelly green cardigan, a Betsey Johnson purple crown necklace, my green sequin Irregular Choice heels, and Tarte eye shadow. 

Day 29: Today was cold again, so I were black fleece tights, a light blue cardigan, my blue Betsey Johnson key necklace, black flats, and Marc Jacobs Blue Me Away Highliner.

Day 30: Today is warmer, but I still wore sweater tights and a fuchsia cardigan with sequins. I wore glittery black flats, Betsey Johnson rose earrings, and purple and pink shadow from the Urban Decay Game of Thrones palette. 

30 days done! Ten to go...

Stillness & Attention: Week 9.

Day 1: Theatre day! Josh finished his first marathon while Bruce and I were eating soft pretzels and M&Ms at Durham Performing Arts Center. We saw Hadestown. I didn't love it, but I plan on giving the album some attention. Hamilton grew on me after I saw it. We did have a talented cast, including one actor from the Broadway cast and one Tony Award winner. I'll bet the casting call for Orpheus got really narrow: we need someone who can play the guitar and sing really high. The drive to and from Durham is always fun because we listen to Bruce's Broadway Pandora station (which includes a lot of Ben Platt and Idina Menzel) and sing along. 

Josh and I got home around the same time. I sat on the bathroom floor while Josh took a bath with my soothing bath soak. After he fell asleep, I took my own bath with Aromatherapy Passion: Tuberose and Ylang Ylang foam bath, which smelled wonderful.

Day 2: I finished reading Locke & Key 6: Alpha and Omega, which may have been my favorite graphic novel of the series. I've enjoyed the series, and graphic novels have been pulling me through a mild reading slump. I hope I can find plenty more that I like. Once I return some more books, I'll browse the graphic novel section at my library. I'd like to try some YA graphic novels too. I still have the graphic novel Blankets waiting on my shelf. 

Josh and I spent the morning together, and I made whole wheat rotini with tomato sauce and spinach. Mmm. 

We picked up Oliver today, and while we were in the car, I finished reading Peter Pan and Wendy to the boys. That's book 12 for the month and book 24 for the year! I really enjoyed reading it.  

Day 3: I read some more of Best American Poetry 2021, which I've been pecking at for a while. I wanted to finish it today, but reading wasn't easy. Josh and I had the morning together, and he tickled my back until I fell asleep--a rare nap! I went through some of my clothes and freed up 17 hangers. I'll donate the clothes to the college's success closet.

Oliver had a good day at school. We missed Josh, but he only has one more night class! 

Day 4: This is the first day of a new month. March will see the end of winter. I spent a few minutes in the backyard today, finding tiny clumps of wild violets, my favorite flower. I love the leaves that look like unfurling hearts. 

I finished my Punch Studio Romantic Love Stories journal today and started a Novel Journal: Anne of Green Gables. Novel journals are high quality, and every line is a line of the book's text.

I'm writing today with a pink Pentel Sparkle Pop pen. Actually, I've drained three of them today.

I have had a hard time reading today, but I did start reading The Girl Who Drank the Moon to the boys. We read the first three chapters, and it's a lovely book already. It won the Newberry! It will be a good addition to my children's lit winter. Late this month, I'll switch focus to young adult lit for spring. I also made egg salad today, one of my favorites, which Josh luckily likes too. 

Day 5: I slept until 6:30 today while Josh went to the gym. He had an appointment with his doctor, and we went to Academy Sports for running shorts and got groceries. I bought some caprese chicken sausage to try with pasta. They're fully cooked, and they steam in their package.

Josh and I went to The Habit Grill after all that, and I got avocado all over my dress. So it's now in the washer. It's in the upper 70s today, and I'm hot. Spring is coming, and I already feel like I have allergies surfacing. My chest is tight, so I may be using my inhaler today. Josh picked up some ten prescriptions for us. Our family takes a lot of meds. 

I've been writing with Krazy Pop pens today: gold with green glitter and green with red glitter. I've now emptied 60 pens this year. I just have to get back to reading. I long for cuddles. Tomorrow, I'll be on my own all day. I'm spoiled. I'm also spoiled because today I ate a French cheesecake parfait while soaking in a bubble bath.

Day 6: I received a glorious E-mail today: "Your disability date has been updated in your 2022-2023 renewal for ESA+. We need nothing further from you at this time." !!!! The status no longer says "ineligible;" it says "accepted"! I won't feel completely at ease until the money is at the school, but it looks like Oliver's financial aid for next year is safe. This is especially encouraging today because our taxes payment went through, and our account is quite bare. But we will recover! We have a little money from family to get us through until my disability payment arrives in a couple of weeks.

This has also been a good day so far because I have tackled my reading slump. Josh is at work, and Oliver is at school, so I made a goal to read for two hours straight. I set my timer for 2 1/2 hours so that I'd have a chance to make and eat some pasta salad (tricolor rotini, fancy shredded Mozzarella, chopped cucumber, zesty Italian dressing, and mini pepperoni [for mine]). I did it! I think I read for more than two hours. 

I finished So Far So Good: Final Poems by Ursula K. Le Guin. I have an odd relationship with Le Guin. I loved her Steering the Craft in grad school, but Bruce and I read her selected stories, The Real and the Unreal, and neither of us really cared for it. I decided to try out her poetry when I saw the book at the library. I'm not crazy about it, but I did write down a few great lines in my "Quotations and Magic Words" composition book. Based on all this, I will probably not read more of Le Guin's fiction or poetry, but I do want to read her Words Are My Matter. I'll place a hold on that once I catch up with my library books.

So I've finished my first book of the month! That brings me to 25 for the year. I'm a quarter of the way there! According to Goodreads, I'm nine books ahead of schedule. Whew. My reading slumps have not defeated me!

I also started and read 75 pages of The Year of Less by Cait Flanders, which seems appropriate. It's not one of my overdue books (yet), but it's what I felt like reading. And reading something other than what I planned is much better than not reading at all. I'm guessing now that reading a page worth of text takes me about a minute and 45 seconds if it's not very challenging. I wish that were more like one minute per page. Still, I was able to be still (though I was following the sunlight around the room) and pay attention for sustained reading. I plan on trying for one-hour stretches on weekdays except on Thursdays, when I can do two hours. This eliminates most distractions.

I'm more than two months into NoBuy2022. Yesterday, I was very tempted to buy an E-book. It was $2.99. But I didn't buy it! Peter Pauper Press has new journals, some of which I saw at Barnes and Noble last weekend. But I'll soon have Amazon points for a journal or two. In general, though, not spending has gotten easier. I don't browse when I'm bored or think about new pretty things when I'm down. I don't feel entitled to get everything I want, and I don't go looking for things to want. One of the hardest moments was when my pretty green crystal bead anklet broke last week, and I knew I couldn't replace it. But I'll get another anklet next year.

I finished listening to Hadestown while I got ready. I am getting attached to a few songs: "Wedding Song," "Wait for Me," and "Promises." I returned two books to the library!

Day 7: This morning, I had snuggle times with Josh and took a rare nap. I felt good all day. When Josh went to work, I set my timer for two hours, and I nearly finished The Year of Less in that time. So I seem to take two hours to read 100 typical pages of text. A 400-page book requires an eight-hour commitment. I wish I were quicker, but I'm just not. I may never be. But this helps me be more realistic about what I can read and reminds me that a book had better be worth the time investment.

I've been writing with a light blue metallic TUL pen. These are very temperamental and only write on high-quality paper. They write decently in a Novel Journal, but Peter Pauper Press gives the best results I've seen. I wish they were more functional because some of the colors are so unique: rose gold, champagne, and gunmetal. I've drained 65 pens this year!

In the evening, I went to Bruce and Corey's and watched Nightmare Alley with them. I love del Toro, and the cast was incredible. The movie was quite dark (del Toro's film noire, so yes) but good. I want to watch movies more often. I marked today as joyful.

Dress Challenge: Day 11-20.

Day 11 & Day 12: I started the second ten days of my challenge. But these were pajama days.

Day 13: I wore my dress with a short-sleeved purple cardigan with sequin stripes, a Betsey Johnson fairy and crown necklace, and black Poetic License kitten heels. I wore Urban Decay's Naked Ultraviolet eye shadow--one of my favorite palettes. 

Day 14: Today, I wore my dress with a short-sleeved mint green cardigan, a blue and green Betsey Johnson ocean necklace (which Josh gave me for our 16th anniversary), and green glitter shoes. I wore Makeup by Mario glitter eye shadow.

Now, I will show you one of my favorite things: my collection of glitter shoes! I've been wearing glitter shoes for a good 12 years, first Big Buddha (not so durable), then Keds by Kate Spade (great but tight), and then Feversole (loose, many colors) and Irregular Choice (the seahorse ones!). I still have space for two more pair, so maybe I'll fill those next year.

Day 15: I wore my dress with a cornflower blue short-sleeved cardigan, Betsey Johnson mismatch fairy earrings, and light blue glitter shoes. I did "ice eyes" (pale shadow with pale liner) with a blue eye crayon and Marc Jacobs Highliner in Obeyge. 

Day 16: Today, I wore my dress with my Betsey Johnson pink crown necklace and magenta/multi-color glitter shoes. It was too hot for a cardigan!

Day 17: Theatre day! I wore my dress with black sweater tights, a chunky forest green cardigan, my Betsey Johnson peacock necklace,

and my Irregular Choice trellis heels with green sequins and gray rosettes. I wore Anna Sui trio eye shadow with Urban Decay Cosmic Speed black eyeliner.

Day 18: Today was cold and gloomy. I wore a glacier green long-sleeved tee under my dress with black tights, black flats with criss-cross straps, a gold seahorse necklace with multi-color rhinestones, my black sequin duster (to sparkle away some of the gloom), and Stila's Happy Hour palette eye shadow in silver and purple.

Day 19: We had another day of February temperatures though the sun was shining. I wore a lavender mock neck under my dress with black tights, lavender flats, 

and a Betsey Johnson silver snowflake necklace with pearls and purple rhinestones. I love snowflakes all year. I used Revolution's Fortune Seeker eye shadow palette.

Day 20: Today, I wore black stripe tights, a light peachy pink cardigan, pink flats, and my pink Betsey Johnson key necklace. I didn't end up going anywhere today, but I was officially dressed for day 20.