American Girl Memories.

American Girl is a company that makes dolls fashioned for specific periods of American history. I had two of the dolls when I was growing up. Each doll had a set of seven books that detailed her adventures and matched the dolls' clothing and accessories. One book alone would be too short for me to count as a book toward my goal, but I found cheap copies of hardcover books that hold all seven stories. I'll count that toward my GoodReads goal and my children's lit focus.

Just seeing the books has been making me happy. I have Felicity, Kirsten, and Samantha story collection books. They are bringing back some of my favorite childhood memories.

Playing by myself or with friends who had the dolls too
Saving allowance for doll accessories
Making doll beds in hotel rooms when we traveled with Dad
Circling the accessories I most wanted in the catalog
Getting bunk beds for my two dolls
Creating school assignments for tiny notebooks
Samantha's vintage Valentines, which I still have
Tiny paper dolls in Samantha's valise
Poring over the catalog, which I still do (I can't imagine how AG got my address...)
Acting out my daydreams

Restoration: Week 4.

Another week of low stress! Maybe the higher dose of Prozac is helping. Maybe my being able to read again is helping. I met my goal to read 2 books in 1 week. I've been stuffing myself with poetry. I'm still working on a children's lit book, Tiger Eyes, and I have several more waiting. I hope I can get to a lot of them this winter.

Oliver has still been generous with cuddles.

I'm caught up on the Bible.

Josh and I had a good morning nap. It reminds me of naps we took together while we were at ASU.

I listen to show tunes every morning while I get ready.

This coming week, I want to restore my reading focus. I want to E-mail (or better--write letters) regularly. I want to jump into that book on Hygge and learn something. I want to keep talking to loved ones about their words of the year.

A Bold Reader: New Year, Week 4.

I did it! I finished two books this past week! Now, having finished 4 books this year, I'm in step with the number of weeks. But GoodReads tells me I'm actually one book ahead of schedule! That's a great feeling.

Both books were poetry. Libro de Poemas as touch because I read aloud all the poems in Spanish as well as English. I started and finished Green Stars by Charlotte Hilary Matthews. I locked myself in the guest room to finish the book while the boys Skyped with Josh's parents.

I'm almost one month through the Bible. I expected it to be difficult and distant, but it's absorbing. Before now, I'm only read books of the Bible here and there.

I've continued reading poetry each day.

Bruce and I are several chapters into Sleeping Beauties. It's holding my interest.

The other books I'm working on need more attention. I'll to be more of a reader this coming week. But look at the progress I've made! I can dive into books again.

Small Treats.

"One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous small treats." Iris Murdoch

This is one of my favorite quotations. I've been thinking about small treats that require little or no money. Some I already use, but I want to be more intentional and see if Murdoch is right (I have a feeling she is).

• Wearing lipstick--especially red and glittery
• Trying sparkly makeup on my wrist in Sephora
• Re-reading or completing books I loved as a child
• Talk to Mom on the phone for a long time
• Napping with Josh
• TV time with Bruce
• Getting a cherry Sprite from Sonic
• Using a pen for the first time
• Taking a new character's sticky flags out of a velvety pink pouch
• Bubble baths
• Remembering who gave me gifts
• Reading a magazine
• Window shopping online
• Ordering a cheap book online...and seeing it in the mailbox
• Watching a movie alone (surprisingly)
• A butterscotch Life Saver
• Flowers from the grocery store

What ideas do you have?

Nanna and Grandpa.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how much my grandparents influenced and inspired me while I was growing up. They are the most generous people I know, and I would be quite a different person without them.

My dad bought tickets to take Mom to The Phantom of the Opera. He told me about it, and I was so intrigued and curious. Nanna and Grandpa had the soundtrack and a beautiful souvenir program. I disappeared into one of the chairs in their living room with a borrowed Discman and the CD booklet with the full libretto. I fell desperately in love with the music. I was 7 or 8.

Grandpa gave me a Walkman and replaced it when I wore it out. It was my own magical portal to Broadway music. Eventually, Nanna and Grandpa gave me their souvenir program, and I still have it. They revealed other Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals to me-Cats, Starlight Express, Sunset Boulevard, Evita, and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. They had a wardrobe full of videos and music. It was better than a Narnia wardrobe to me. I loved peering inside.

Grandpa took me to see a local show of Funny Girl. Nanna and Grandpa took me and some cousins to the touring Beauty and the Beast.  They took me to Joseph. And they introduced many other musicals to me by VHS. Rodgers and Hammerstein--South Pacific, Sound of Music, Carousel--and others like Gigi, My Fair Lady, West Side Story, and more. Without these, my life would have far less magic. 

They also took me to Europe when I was 13. We went to France, Germany, Belgium, Switzerland, and the Netherlands. One of my favorite memories is of our walking in Paris, each holding a baguette and a Coke. Americans!

I am deeply grateful to my grandparents for opening new worlds to me.

Restoration: Week 3.

My reading has improved so much! I finished Roller Skates and started Judy Blume's Tiger Eyes. I've not finished two books in one week yet, but I'm able to focus and enjoy words, even though my retention is not as it used to be. I'm reading the Bible daily, and I have a varied stack of books I'm reading bit by bit. I feel it is restoring my mind.

Josh and I have had a morning and an afternoon together. Just being alone with him, at home or on errands, is a joy. We've been making each other laugh so much.

Oliver and I cuddled a lot, and he let me read a book to him! He usually prefers to recite them on his own. Whenever the living room is clean, his mission is to fill the floor with books. I guess we've passed on something good!

I sticker-decorated the journal I plan to use next, one that Josh gave me for Christmas: pink and blue marble, handmade in Italy. My current journal is falling apart, but I'm determined to finish it; I keep tape nearby.

I've been practicing something new: liquid eyeliner! I definitely need more practice. But I think it will be pretty when I get it right.

I have felt little stress or dread. That's amazing.

This week, I plan to start learning about something new: the concept of hygge. I have a manageable-looking book to start with. I want to keep reading and try to finish two books in a week. I want to keep a conversation going with my darling friend Melissa via E-mail. I need to restore my memory to take my medication.

I want to hold myself accountable for restoration. I can talk to loved ones about their words of the year too.

A Bold Reader: New Year, Week 3.

According to the reading challenge on GoodReads, I'm on track to meet my 50-books-in-2018 goal. I finished the Newbery Award winner Roller Skates, which was charming. I've now started Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume as part of my children's lit focus for the winter. The book seems to straddle children's and young adult, but I'm counting it. I found it, very dusty, in the free bin outside 2nd and Charles.

I wanted to finish two books last week, but that didn't happen. Maybe I'll manage it this week. Last week was a little crazy with the snow and Oliver's being out of school so much.

I'm three weeks in with the Bible! And I've read poetry every day--no falling behind! I've read at least a little of each of my current books. French Women Don't Get Fat is grabbing my attention.

I began another new book: Sleeping Beauties by Stephen and Owen King. I've only read King's memoir, On Writing, so this is a new adventure for me. And it's some 700 pages long! It's a bold read. But it's drawing me in. The character list in the front is intimidating. But this is another book Bruce and I are reading together, so I have both support and accountability.

I'm so thankful that my reading is getting better. Picking up a book no longer requires more courage than I have. I'm a reader again.

To My Husband on His Birthday.

Josh and I met in college theatre and poetry classes. I asked him to read a thematically difficult poem to the class, and he did it without hesitation. I thought he was a good poet, and I respected his comments on my poems. We were 20.

About a year and a half later, we got married. His champagne tie matched my lacy dress. We've never regretted our court house wedding with just parents, siblings, and my darling friend Melissa. We had jumped on my brother's trampoline that morning.

Today, Josh is 33. He's teaching an English class at the local community college right now. We've done a lot of growing up together. He was diagnosed with narcolepsy. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and later with bipolar disorder and panic disorder. We had a son through a harrowing birth. Our baby was diagnosed with autism a few years later. We've lived through many other disasters and tragedies. We're still alive and still together. Here are some of my favorite things about him:

• He's a patient and energetic father. He's taken Oliver to the park (actually many local parks) countless times.
• He works so hard. When I could no longer work he took over and has taken care of us, working as much as possible.
• He has a great sense of humor. He laughs freely and knows what will make me laugh.
• He's generous. He wants me to have everything I want, and he always thinks well of me.
• He's a bold reader. He could read anything. And sometimes, he reads books I've just finished. He sets a good example of reading for Oliver.
• He has a talent and great patience for genealogy. 
• He supports my reading and writing, staying aware of what I'm reading.
• His curls are adorable.
• I love his face when he laughs.
• I like the way he types.
• He is always gentle.

Happy birthday, my love.

10 Wishes.

If some genie or enchantress offered me 10 completely selfish wishes, these might come to mind.

1. More healthy energy. That would allow me to fulfill more of my own wishes.
2. My old weight back.
3. Perfect skin.
4. The perfect home to rent: master suite with deep jet tub, separate shower, and double vanity; a den, formal dining room, extra bedroom, or bonus room to be Oliver's playroom; a fenced-in backyard; lots of huge closets; a fridge with water and ice dispenser; built-in bookshelves. 
5. Our student loans--paid off.
6. Our car--paid off.
7. My 401k loan--paid off. 
8. Our credit cards--paid off.
9. A second Honda.
10. An endless Sephora gift card.

What might be on your list?

Lost Treasures.

I'm interested in how some objects stay with us and others disappear. Objects can represent a whole relationship or phase of life. Here are a few of my lost objects:

• My white and pink roller skates. I skated so much in our church gym with my friends, some of whom had the same skates. My dearest friend Keely and I put on a production of Starlight Express with her sisters on roller skates in the garage. I wonder what ever happened to those skates. Meanwhile, Bruce and I need to get brave and go to a rink. 
• My imaginary pet turtle, Sheldon. He was a keychain, and he bore the hole in his leg after Mom cut the chain off. She gave me the idea for his name. I kept him in an old fish home. I can't imagine the moment of throwing him away. Where could he be?
• My original Flower Fairies book. I think my grandparents gave it to me, and it had a huge impact on me. I made the mistake of lending it to someone, and I've not seen it since. But several years ago, I did buy myself The Complete Book of Flower Fairies.

I did, however, find some of my treasures. Several years ago, my parents were cleaning out the garage and found

• The book The Story of Holly and Ivy. I discovered the book at my elementary school library. Mom found a copy for me. The illustrations still thrill me.
• My Harriet the Spy notebook. I was obsessed with writing before I read Harriet, but she nudged me to write often and be observant always. The green spiral notebook is full of dialog and description. I love that I saved that notebook.

Think about your lost or found treasures.

Bliss Kit.

This thought came from a Darling Magazine article by Andrea Corp. I love the sound of the phrase bliss kit. So I'm thinking about what simple objects and experiences bring my bliss and how I can access that more often.

• Fresh flowers. I love pink and white roses, miniature daffodils and miniature irises, and glittered daisies. Oliver climbs everything right now, so fresh flowers aren't really possible. Maybe I can find some faux hydrangea. 
• Hydrangea and fuchsia. I can see the former at Bruce's apartment complex and the latter at Mom's house when the weather is ready.
• Retellings of fairy tales. I have a few of these waiting. I've loved them since I discovered Robin McKinley and Francesca Lia Block.
• Walking through shaded trails at the botanical gardens.
• Bella Grace Magazine, my current favorite. It's full of inspiration and lifestyle lessons. I need to make more time to read it.
• A sturdy journal. My current journal is falling apart because it has a glued binding (and of course, I use the journal heavily). I'll watch for sewn bindings from now on. Spiral journals can also be sturdy and easy to use.
• Colorful pens. I like color barrels and inks. Metallics and glitters are even better. I'm delighted with any pen anywhere.
• Beautiful quotations. I keep composition books of quotations. I need to go to them and enjoy them.
• French lifestyle books. This is the closest I have to a guilty pleasure--I don't feel guilty! I just love reading about French approaches to fashion, beauty, home, and relationships.
• Sharing popcorn with Bruce at the movies.
• Brie spread.
• Back tickets from Josh.
• Sparkly stickers.
• Going to the theatre.

What's in your bliss kit?

Restoration: Week 2.

I've continued reading poetry in the bath. It feels natural now. I finished Mental by Jaime Lowe, so I've learned more about BSD and finished my first book of the year. I want to pick up the reading pace. I've started French Women Don't Get Fat. I'd like to read two books this week to get to one book per week.

Josh and I will have one long morning and a couple of short mornings alone together. We can talk and nap and kiss.

I went for a walk with Bruce and also did some exercises at home. Still, I haven't done much to restore my old weight.

I've begun a higher dose of Prozac to help restore my mental health after a crying breakdown. I believe the higher dose will help.

I felt beautiful in silver glitter eye makeup.

I restored my desire to scribble after going to Staples with Bruce. The store now has far more notebooks, stickers, and writing tools.

I'm restoring and strengthening my faith by continuing to read the Bible. I haven't had much trouble keeping up. Finally reading this sacred text is exciting.

I looked at a Pottery Barn Teen catalog and imagined beautiful rooms, restoring my sense of the lovely.

This coming week, I want to stay curious. I want to read with discipline and devotion. I want to watch at least one movie. I want to enjoy children's books. I want to look at photos of Oliver as a baby. I want to restore other relationships. I want to learn about something. I want to find new ways to restore my mind and my heart.

A Bold Reader: New Year, Week 2.

Books surround me, both literally and figuratively. Reading is both a joy and a matter of responsibility to my own mind. I want to stretch and strengthen my mind and my reading. Each serves the other.

I finished reading Mental by Jaime Lowe. I learned about lithium and about how bad manic delusions can get. My own grandiosity and delusions have been relatively mild--at least, that's what I think. As I told Bruce, I could touch the edge of Lowe's narrative, seeing who I could have become and still may become. Though I've never seriously wanted to go off my meds, this book reminds me why I must not. Mental is also my first finished book of 2018! I hope to pick up the pace and finish a book once a week.

I'm still working on my other books--I need to make more time for them. I've read two weeks' worth of the Bible. And I'm reading poetry in the bath every night--candle, bubbles, and three books of verse make a good nightly ritual. And though I usually only read one poem for each book per night, I will finish them eventually.

Though I don't really need to add books, I'm going to replace Mental with French Women Don't Get Fat. A few years ago, I had no interest in the book, but now, I'm trying (not very hard!) to lose weight. Plus, it's a French lifestyle book! I did like Guiliano's Women, Work, and the Art of Savoir Faire. I just love anything about living like a French person. My parents have me Entre Nous many years ago; that's probably how the obsession started.

Some of my GoodReads friends have already read three books this year! I have some catching up to do.

Sitting up for Poetry.

I've come to believe that a day is better with poetry in it. I need the rich images and the perfectly-chosen words. I need the sound of the words, beautiful despite my flawed voice. Poetry can put a sheen on everything or make me feel brave and less alone. I hope to be a life-long poetry reader. My MFA classes introduced me to a gorgeous world of poetry about which I knew nothing. I still know so little.

In my experience, poetry, regardless of its age, is not an easy read. Old poetry may be difficult to understand, and while contemporary poetry may be more accessible, it rarely has the rhyme and meter that many people expect.

When I taught literature and creative writing, I told my students that contemporary poetry was an acquired taste. I've acquired it, but as I recommended to my students, I still read poetry aloud.

Recently, I was lying in bed and decided to read a few poems, holding the book up over my face. I couldn't focus my eyes or my mind. I sat up in bed and read easily. I laughed. Apparently, poetry expects me to sit up when I read. It's a sign of respect and focus. It tells my brain that this is important and requires my full attention. And that message makes the reading easier.

Restoration: Week 1.

This past week, I've moved toward restoration. Bruce asked me how I was honoring restoration; I like that wording.

• Faith. I read the first week of The Daily Bible, working toward restoring and building up my faith. I'd forgotten how rough early Genesis was. Josh is reading it too, so many that will help restore and refresh our relationship.
• Marriage. Josh and I also worked on restoring our relationship by working on his schedule and finding some time alone for us on Friday mornings. We had Tuesday mornings last semester, and we often napped together, but that restored us too.
• Reading. I didn't finish a book yet, and I need to finish a book each week to reach my annual goal of 50 books. But I read from several books, keeping up pretty well with the Bible and poetry. I've been checking my shelves for children's books since that's my focus for winter. One evening, I sat still and read for over an hour. I've been getting into the flow with it, perhaps for the first time in months.
• Sleep. I know sleep does heal the body and the brain, so I'm trying to make sure I sleep enough.
• Motherhood. I had Oliver at home much more than I expected because of snow and ice. He allowed and even sought a lot of cuddling. That gives me a rush of motherly love. I need to tune into that more; it's a reset button.
• Musical theatre. Bruce and I saw On Your Feet in Durham. It energized me, and I've been singing Gloria Estefan songs every since. At the theatre, I feel closer to my real self.

Bold Reader: New Year, Week 1.

Yesterday, I finished my first week of reading the Bible. That may be the most daunting of books! My mom has read the whole Bible every year for many years. I asked her to give me The Daily Bible for Christmas, so I could read it with her this year. Josh joined in too! What varied perspectives we have. It's quite an undertaking, though, especially after such a rough reading year. But the Bible will be the 50th book I finish this year. I have to be a bold reader, and a disciplined one, to reach this goal.

I'm reading several books at once. This works well for me sometimes. When a book becomes difficult, I pick up another, so I can take a break but keep reading. Here's what I'm reading now:

• Roller Skates by Ruth Sawyer. This is my current children's book for my winter focus.
• Mental: Lithium, Love, and Losing My Mind by Jaime Lowe. This is the book I'm currently reading with Bruce. Reading a book about my mental illness can be enlightening but also overwhelming. Still, I want to learn and feel less alone.
• The Broken Way by Ann Voscamp. I'm reading this because I loved her first book. It's not easy to read, but I'm almost half way through it.
• Uniquely Human by Barry M. Prizant, PhD. My darling friend Melissa recommended this book on autism. I've not gotten very far yet but the case examples are so interesting and sometimes familiar. 
• Donald Hall's Selected Poems (White Apples and the Taste of Stone)
  Book of Poems by Federico Garcia Lorca, dual language
  Best American Poetry 2010 (my favorite poet, Amy Gerstler, is the editor)
  I read one poem from each book every night, always aloud. Reading poetry is always bold.

The Journal and the Blog.

While the blog and the journal are separate, they do intersect, sometimes in ways that surprise me. I've been serious about journaling since I was 15. I've had blogs through Live Journal and Myspace, but I began this blog, with its specific purpose, when I was pregnant with Oliver almost 7 years ago. Sometimes, a blog post will emerge from regular scribbles. I've also done a few page-from-my-journal posts.

A couple of years ago, I started the practice of giving myself writing prompts in my journal. Prompts come from questions, questions I have while reading, or just fleeting images.  To keep them distinct from my scribbles, I started writing the prompt at the top of the page and leaving the page blank. Sometimes, I would immediately address the prompt. More often, I would leave a sticky flag on the side of the page and come back to the prompt later. This means I usually can't put my journals away when I finish them because, technically, I haven't finished them: some still have a fringe of sticky flags. Sometimes, I'm not able to respond to one prompt, so I try another. Something usually pops.

Eventually, I realized that many of these prompt responses were just right for blog posts--short and focused on a topic or question. So when I respond to a prompt, I move the flag from the side of the page to the top, so I know it's ready for typing and revision.

I think the blog is a sort of condensed manifestation of my journal. My scribbles are full of boring nonsense, but I try to make the blog clear and bright.

Word of the Year: 2018.

The word of the year idea came from a website. When I joined a few years ago, my word was Invest. I didn't have a lot of accountability or company. But in 017, those closest to me chose words too. Also, I've had this blog to update and celebrate. I've been blogging about how my word, Delight, went last year, but now, I'm ready to talk about my new word: Restoration.

I'm not entirely sure why this word grabbed ahold of me, but I like the sound and what it brings to mind--remodeling and re-opening a cinema in a small town. Giving something back. Fixing the broken and old-fashioned parts of a lovely house. Returning something to its original beauty. I like that the word implies that the beauty and function are already there they just need some care and creativity. So, what do I want to restore? Where will my restoration begin?

• Continue to restore my reading. 2017's reading was rough at best and was often impossible. I've picked up reading poetry daily, and I plan to continue with that ritual. I've also started on my winter focus: children's books.
• Restore my innocence and magical outlook. Children's books will help with that. I'd also like to read more fairy tales and retellings. I will paint my mind beautifully with was I reach, watch, and listen to.
• Restore my engagement with movies. I love movies, and I think I should watch at least one per week. And I want to talk about them.
• Restore my energy and serenity as a mother. Soon, (tomorrow!) all the driving and paperwork will restart. I'm often so tired that I'm not at my best for Oliver. I need to take care of myself, so I can take better care of him. I also need to restore my joy in him. Looking through photos is one way to do this.
• Restore my love of water. I want to take baths every night and enjoy them, often reading poetry. I may retrieve my love of swimming.
• Restore my faith by reading the whole Bible this year.
• Restore and refresh my marriage. We need to find time to be together, and we need to enjoy our moments.
• Restore my other relationships. I can start that with as little as an E-mail or a card.
• Restore my sense of beauty through the clothes I wear, the makeup I apply, how I take care of my skin, and all that surrounds me, whether or not I chose the music or images or textures.
• Restore my interest in learning. I can take a topic from my curiosity list and pursue it.
• Restore my passion for musical theatre. I attend shows often, but I want to talk about them more, listen to the music more, and learn about them through the books I have.
• Restore my product writing in some way. If I can write one story or one poem this year, I'll be happy.
• Restore my pre-lithium weight. If I could lose one pound a week this year I'd be where I want to be.
• Restore and intensify my love of color. I know Michaels and Versona have sections divided by color. It soothes and excites me. I need to seek more of that.
• Restore my peace of mind. I want to decrease my dread and fear.

What is your word for 2018?