Restoration: Week 34.

This past week, Josh's classes began, a week before Oliver returned to school. Oliver and I spent a lot of time together. He's rather attached to me specifically right now. Usually, he's more attached to Josh. Oliver's need for my attention is sometimes frustrating, but it's also wonderful. It restores my sense of myself as a mother.

Oliver's school had open house night. I was nervous about it, especially since Josh was at night class. But it went fine. We didn't stay long, and we got all the paperwork we needed. Being there restored my sense of being an advocate for Oliver. And though it was nearly painful, I knocked out all the paperwork that night.

We took Oliver to see his psychiatrist, who was quite impressed with Oliver's progress over the last two months. Oliver followed the doctor to his office and actually played with the toys instead of staying close to me. Oliver had also gained about 4 pounds. All that restored our sense of being worthwhile parents.

A Bold Reader: Week 34.

I didn't finish a book this past week. But I did read a lot of poetry and a lot of Midnight Disease. I also read eleven short stories. I've started Best Small Fictions 2015. I feel my reader's block starting to lift a bit. I feel foolish and abandoned if I go a day without significant reading. I can't be a bold reader if I'm not a reader at all. I did get back to my Bible a little this past week. I'm going to try focusing this way

• Monday: Bible
• Tuesday: Tiny book club pick
• Wednesday: Seasonal focus
• Thursday: Bible
• Friday: Learning
• Weekends: Open or catch up

As with my seasonal reading focus, I can read anything on these days. The goal is just to focus and accomplish something from the day's corresponding vein.

Books surround me, and I embrace them.

Favorite Possessions.

These may change often, and this is only a small list in no particular order.

• My ring with a tiny purple star. It reminds me of the little blue star, the home of a fairy, that Mom sent to school with me.
• My blankets--the one I had as a baby and a mint Shabby Chic one that's so cuddly.
• A small bag of Oliver's early hats and a couple of his outfits, so we can remember how small he was.
• My pen stash. I have plenty in different styles, and I know I can use them all. My newest addition is Pentel Sparkle Pop.
• My filled journals. I can open one at random and get a glimpse of some other part of my life. I never thought I could fill a whole journal. Now, I'm at 176, so the volumes remind me that I have underestimated myself.
• My books in my favorites cabinet.
• Waiting book stacks in my room. They could occupy me for quite some time.
• A couple of cards from my dad.

All the Palaces.

The first house Josh and I shared was an upper-level duplex in Boone, where we were finishing college. The place was run-down, but we were amazed at the linen closet, the stackable washer and dryer, and the tiny dishwasher. The living room and the master bedroom were huge. We were happy there, eating grilled hot dogs and watching VH-1 Classic. We gorged on chips and ranch dip and walked up a huge staircase up a hill to the bus stop. I read The Hours, marking it up wildly in pencil. We called our place the MLP: Magical Love Palace.

Our next home was the WLP, White Love Palace. It was a one-bedroom apartment we named WLP because of the bright white paint and many windows. We had a coat closet, a double vanity, functional drawers in the bathroom, a linen closet, a pantry, a walk-in closet, and a huge balcony. That was where I lived alone (the only time!) for two months while Josh was with the army.

Next came the CLP, the Country Love Palace. Josh got a job at an obscure high school, and we moved into a 100+year-old house. It was massive. We had built-in bookcases and a sunroom. That's were I read 100 books in a year, prepared my thesis, and submitted work--two+ submissions per day. I was living at the CLP when I got my first acceptance. Otherwise, the place was run down and remote, and I felt uneasy alone there. Our terrible experiences elsewhere seemed to poison the place.

I graduated and needed money to make student loan payments. We moved to Monroe, so I could find a job. I was a substitute teacher at a private school for a bit, and then, I started teaching at a community college. Our little duplex was adorable. I can't think of the name we gave it. We liked having stairs for the first time. We watched Millennium and Dresden Files. I actually cooked a little. We made and lost our twins there. The joy sticks more than the sorrow.

I got a full-time job offer, so we moved again. We could afford a large old house that was well-renovated. Hard-wood floors were everywhere. Our furniture seemed meager in all that space. I had a dressing room with a little black desk as a vanity and a bookcase full of shoeboxes. We made Oliver there.

Josh got laid off, so we couldn't afford the big house. It became a bakery for a while, which is a cute thought. We moved to the OLC, Oliver's Love Cottage. It was a sweet little house but a sketchy area. We spent our first few weeks with Oliver there. Then, someone scared us by pitching (or, more likely, firing/launching) a rock through our window. My baby was covered in glass.

So we moved to Fayetteville and to the OLC2. We liked our new home. It was a good size for us at first. But then, an arsonist set our building on fire. No one was hurt, but we had to give up many items that had gotten smoked. Thank goodness we had renters insurance.

So we moved again but stayed in the same complex. We upgraded to a three-bedroom apartment because it was already clear that Oliver would need more space. OLC3. And we've lived in this apartment for six years! I'm happy staying still at last.

21 Declarations.

1. I am soaked with blessings (I imagine blessings like water).
2. I am open for more blessings.
3. I am not alone.
4. I am a writer.
5. God's timing is perfect. 
6. My parents love me.
7. I am a bold reader.
8. Josh is in love with me.
9. I sparkle.
10. I am a good mother.
11. I can lose weight.
12. I can read any book.
13. I am interesting.
14. My three closest friends (Bruce, Keely, Melissa) love me.
15. My brother and I can be close.
16. Past abuse and trauma do not rule me.
17. I am pretty.
18. I am clever.
19. I am funny.
20. I am a great storyteller.
21. I am okay.

Restoration: Week 33.

This past week, I finished a huge book of short stories. It intimidated me, but I got through it with Bruce. We started reading a book on the brain and creativity. Major topics include writing and bipolar disorder. It may end up being over my head, but I'm trying to repair and restore my reading practice and confidence.

Based on an insistent recommendation from my brother, James, Bruce and I watched Annihilation. It was strange and intense. James and I had a long phone conversation full of questions for each other.

I also started thinking about how one would write a horror story or a psychological thriller. How can one create that under-the-skin feeling? So maybe I'm restoring a little link to product (stories, essays, poems) writing. I feel like that part of my mind is slowly waking--lighting--up.

Oliver seems particularly bonded to me right now. It's different when Josh and I can't take turns with tasks like putting Oliver to bed. But Oliver's love restores and warms cold places in my heart.

A Bold Reader: Week 33.

This past week, Bruce and I finished reading Ursula K. Le Guin's rather large story collection, The Unreal and the Real. Bruce picked out the book not realizing how massive it was. We didn't love it, but I'm glad I've read some more Le Guin. Before, I'd only read Steering the Craft, a book on writing.

We started our next tiny book club selection, Midnight Disease. It's about the neurology of writing, especially hypergraphia and writer's block. I'm moving through it quite slowly. I'm the one who picked this one. I like the tone and the author's candor.

I've kept up with reading poetry. I don't retain much, but the images and sounds are lovely.

Next, we'll read Bruce's choice: Boy on the Bridge. But I think MD is likely to take a while. I hope it won't take three months like The Unreal and the Real did.

This week, I want to be a more focused reader, staying connected for longer that my current page or two.

Restoration: Week 32.

This past weekend, my dad took us to dinner. I love the cheese grits at the restaurant. Oliver didn't behave well, but it was still a good visit.

We also had a nice visit from Mom and Shane. They took Oliver swimming, and Josh and I fell asleep.!

Mom had brought over dishes of chicken and vegetable pasta. She made a small dish without chicken--she's always sensitive to Josh's being a vegetarian. The next day, we had a good brunch at Cracker Barrel. Oliver ate a good bit. If we could take him to a different restaurant for every meal, he might not be such a little guy.

Mom asked who I'd play if I could play any Broadway role. I said Phantom. She didn't seem surprised. I've always identified more with Erik than Christine. I like when Mom and I exchange complex questions. I think such questions can restore or revive relationships.

I finished reading a book of poems by a poet I didn't know. I've been gathering new favorite poets lately. I read several short stories from Ursula K. Le Guin's selection. I'm picking up courage all around.

A Bold Reader: Week 32.

I spent some extra time with Standing Water by Eleanor Chai and finished it. I'm replacing it with Wedding in Hell, poems by Charles Simic. With all my reading trouble, I've stayed in a pretty good habit of reading poetry. It's just part of my night. And I think my reading aloud ability must be improving.

I've been working on The Unreal and the Real alongside Bruce. Several books await my resumed attention. I'm still deciding which volume of stories I'll tackle next. Alice Munro, Kelly Link, Jojo Moyes, and Neil Gaiman are on the list. I'll probably also try another E-book edition of Best Small Fictions. Those tiny tales are surprisingly satisfying, especially when I read a batch at once.

I only have about a month left for my short story summer, which was my first season focus before I named the other seasons. I've read 65 stories so far! I'll finish short story summer and go right into fall memoirs and diaries. I like working with a focus.

Restoration Week 31.

Reading a lot of poetry is restorative for me. It reminds me of the power of language: to express, to explore, to communicate, to enchant.

Josh went back to work this past week. But before that, we decided to try a trampoline park! We had a great time jumping on the trampolines and into the pits of foam. We had an hour, and we were pretty tired by that point. I got quite a workout. Jumping on a trampoline used to be so easy!

I watched The Hours with Bruce at last. The cast is packed with talent. It's based on a great book of the same name. Going back and watching old favorite movies restores me, especially when I can share them.

And I talked to my brother on the phone for an hour! That felt great. He told me about a book, a movie, and a video game I need to explore. I think we'll always exchange those kinds of coping strategies. Shared illness has given us another kind of bond, which we can restore often.

A Bold Reader: Week 31.

I finished Susan Ludvigson's New and Selected Poems. I'd been reading it poem by poem for a couple of months. I love the quiet revelations of her poems. I came across her when I was in grad school.

Next, I'm going to read Kay's Black Shawl. The idea of writing a book of poetry from one character's perspective intrigues me. I'm also reading Eleanor Chai's Standing Water and Horoscopes for the Dead by Billy Collins.

Bruce and I may finish The Unreal and the Read this coming week! We have two books in the queue for our tiny book club.

My brother sent me a manga book, which I intend to read. That will be new for me!

I want to replace idle moments with reading. According to GoodReads, I've read 630 books. Can I reach my goal of 1,000 total books by my 40th birthday? I'm certainly going to try.

Appetites.

Appetites is an unsettling word to title a story. I imagine people having no inhibitions. But do they act on their desires and impulses or just acknowledge them, admit to them? Some form of resistance must exist. 

It makes me think of the Purge movies, which I haven't seen. 

How hard will a person work to hide his or her secret wants and needs, even if they are innocent whims? And is getting caught a relief, a release, a justice? 

I want to sleep most of the time; it soothes my mind, healing as I rest. But the boys need me awake and ready to drive and to fill out paperwork and so on. And sometimes, I can't fulfill my wishes because I don't make an effort or I have difficulty, as with reading. I try not to smother my appetite for music, movies, and musical theatre. I need to engage more. 

What do your appetites do to you?

My Intangible Trousseau.

Isn't trousseau a lovely word? I like the thought of it as a bride's clothes and her household linens that go with her when she marries. That must have taken either a lot of sewing or a lot of shopping.

What did I bring into my marriage with Josh? I had a lot of house items (a Crockpot, a sheer pink canopy with rosettes, blue and white towels...) but not a lot of money. I had three sets of scrubs (blue, pale pink, and plum) that I wore to my job as a dermatologists' office along with a thick-knit pink cardigan. But much of my trousseau was emotional or mental.

• I brought mental illness,though I didn't know the extent of it. I knew something was wrong. This illness would deeply affect our marriage.
• I brought a lot of music. Josh and I shared a lot of favorites (Richard Marx, Hall & Oates, Steve Winwood, Journey...) and introduced each other to new favorites. At home, we watched a lot of VH-1 Classic.
• I brought a love of musical theatre. Josh already liked My Fair Lady. We went to Hello, Dolly! on campus and later saw Beauty and the Beast and Phantom.
• I brought a love of books--and a lot of books! We've exchanged some favorites.
• I brought a love of movies. Josh isn't a movie person, but he watched all of my (many) favorite movies to know me better.
• I brought a love of writing. We've supported each other's writing, whether it's Josh's play or my blog.
• I brought a lot of emotional issues from past relationships--not just partners. We didn't immediately know how to treat each other. We're better at it now.
• I brought a drive for academic success. I think this influenced Josh, especially in grad school.
• I brought a love of science fiction. I sort of introduced Josh to Next Gen, and he introduced me to Stargate: SG1.
• I brought a great hope.

Restoration: Week 30.

I'm hurting over the death of my mentor and friend, Kay. I had only read three of her six poetry collections, so I read another this past week, and that made me feel a little closer to her. I have the last two books waiting.

I finished an anthology of flash fiction, which felt nourishing. Short stories can have a certain kind of magic. I like the idea of writing a story every week--Ray Bradbury said something like after 52 stories, surely the writer will improve. Maybe next year!  I hope that reading stories will fill me with the desire and motivation to write stories.

Josh was home for part of the week, and I was grateful for that.

I started watching Girls, an HBO show created by the rather fascinating Lena Dunham. I checked out the show because Bruce is a fan of hers. I'm not going to recommend it, but I have enjoyed having a show to watch when I'm alone. I look forward to it. The first two seasons are free with Amazon Prime, and I started a seven-day free trial of an HBO subscription. So I have about six days to watch the remaining four seasons! Ha, we'll see how that goes.

I've also been enjoying my magazines. I have so many, and Oliver constantly wants something to shred, so I'm getting into the habit of reading a magazine in the evening. I'm enjoying that. And Oliver is so pleased when I give him a magazine. We've also continued to dance.