Words of the Year.

It's time to choose your word of the year for 2019! I'll reveal my word on New Year's Day, but here is a list of words I considered. You're welcome to take one!

• Cultivate
• Blessings
• Stories
• Embrace
• Engage
• Become
• Honor
• Believe
• Daily
• Learn
• Give
• Grow
• Reach
• Bold
• Whimsy
• Celebrate
• Grace
• Cozy
• Sparkle
• Gratitude
• Magical
• Brilliant
• Passion
• Rest
• Courage
• Abundance
• Thrill

Prelude to Christmas: With Bruce.

Bruce and I had our little Christmas celebration last Thursday. I don't wrap his gifts; I haul them in in a Pull-Ups box (with handles!). Most of my gifts to Bruce were Harry-Potter-themed. Bruce seemed to like them. Just some highlights of what Bruce gave me: a journal with pink roses and magnolias (I had to send a picture to Mom to identify the flowers), a large case of pens in various finishes, a book about mermaids (I am going to learn so much about mermaids in 2019), some of my favorite Bath and Body Works aromatherapy (Love--roses, and Sleep--Warm Milk and Honey), and Barnes and Nobel reading socks (which I've wanted forever but wouldn't buy for myself).

I have a tiny purple Moleskine notebook in which I write down what I buy and what gifts I receive. I go back through it to see if I'm using and appreciating what I have. Gifts are my primary love language, so I try to soak up all the love I can at Christmas and on my birthday. They patch me up.

The year is almost over. How will I fill next year with joy and growth?

Restoration: Week 51.

I had a good week even though I wasn't a great reader. I fell behind or worse than behind. But I enjoyed what I did read, and I tried to brighten my mind with Christmas spirit. I began a book for my winter children's literature focus: The Legend of Holly Claus.

Bruce and I finished watching season 3 and started season 4 of American Horror Story. We're enjoying it, and we have lots to watch and look forward to.

I wrapped the gifts! The guest bed is gift central (I have to keep the gifts safe from Oliver until the last minute). I loved the brush of glitter and the metallic gold details. I'm excited to watch my people open their gifts: restorative moments.

One day this past week, Josh burned one log after another, and I fell asleep beside the fire. I hope we'll have my more fires. Christmas may be ending, but winter is just beginning.

I've not done well keeping up with my blog posts, but I'll do better this week...despite the holiday rush. At the moment, I feel like I could do just about anything.

A Bold Reader: Week 51.

I didn't finish any books this past week, but I don't feel bad about it since I reached my annual goal (50 books) and my extra goal (60). Maybe I'll finish one more before the year ends, or maybe I'll just focus on the Bible, which I now want to finish by my birthday (though ideally much sooner). I'm also behind on poetry. But I read some of my book on ancient Egypt.

I looked at Christmas magazines and passed them on to Oliver for shredding. I still have a Christmas issue of Bella Grace to enjoy, and it won't go to Oliver the Shredder.

Winter began! Fall focus was a fail, but I'm going to rock this children's literature focus. I began reading The Legend of Holly Claus. I'd like to finish it this week, while the world still has that glitter.

What I Don't Plan on Doing.

Some of the best parts of my life are such because I did something I believed I'd never do. So who knows how accurate some of these will turn out to be?

I don't plan on

• getting another pixie haircut
• going blonde
• wearing colorful denim (just blue and black)
• getting a tattoo
• getting another piercing (just ears now)
• reading John Grisham
• dyeing all my hair a crazy color
• gaining anymore weight
• experiencing long (year or more) recovery
• drinking Mountain Dew or Sunkist
• drinking alcohol
• smoking
• trying any drug
• getting a dog
• quitting my meds
• joining in musical theatre
• taking singing lessons

If I Were Quite Wealthy.

• I'd buy most of my shoes and dresses from Modcloth.
• I'd buy most of my jewelry and tops from Loft.
• I'd have a few pieces from the Zales Disney Enchantment Collection.
• I'd buy one of these cabinets for the bathroom and reorganize my makeup and bath products.
• I'd use a bath bomb every night and keep or give away the rings. 
• Something interesting would come in the mail every day.
• I'd hire someone to clean our house once a week.
• I'd buy books as they'd strike me at Barnes--no checking online for a better price.
• I'd be a member of the Health Plex--pool, gym, hot tub.
• I'd buy one of those big, castle-like apartments in Charlotte, if only for visits.
• I'd try new activities for Oliver--music lessons, dance, drama, gymnastics...
• I'd rent a sweet house locally (Josh would probably still want to work) with four bedrooms--both a guest room and a study...with a master suite and a massive bathtub.
• I'd have a hot tub.
• I'd help family with medical bills and such.
• I'd pay off the last credit card.
• I'd have room to store and display my journals.
• I'd go to Mrs. Grossman's sticker factory.
• I'd see Phantom in NYC and the West End.
• I'd buy us bikes and ride mine in the neighborhood.
• I'd take Bruce somewhere to see Sunset Boulevard. 
• I'd buy my mom a glass case and slowly fill it with dolls.
• I'd have a fancy aquarium. 
• I'd buy more wood-wick candles.
• I might take a cooking class.
• I'd go to Washington, DC with Bruce and visit the museums. We'd take the train.
• I'd take my mom to ballets all over the state.
• I'd try more new foods.
• I'd grocery shop at Harris Teeter.
• I'd bring back the Disney Store.
• I'd take my family to Disney World for 10 days--time to rest and swim between parks.
• I'd rent a skating rink one night every week.
• I'd take Josh to the UK.
• I'd have an antique claw foot bathtub full of pens.
• I'd have high tea with my mom once a month.
• I'd rent a boat at Lake Norman and go swimming once or twice a month.
• I'd get Josh into a digital photography class.
• I'd buy a real, mother-of-pearl pair of opera glasses.

Restoration: Week 50.

This year is almost over. I've failed at some of my goals, and I've succeeded at others. My word of the year has been Restoration, and I have a couple of weeks left with it. I have been thinking about my word of the year for 2019, and I'll be asking others about their words. Some 2018 words have been Wellness, Advocate, and Balance. I hope I've supported these.

A great discovery: I got Cover FX glitter drops in a $21 beauty subscription box. The drops are usually $35+. I plan on using my next round of Amazon points to buy another color, maybe the icy blue. In any case, the color looked too dark for me but when I mixed a drop or two with my foundation, wonderful shimmer appeared all over my face. I love it! It's definitely a new priority in my makeup routine, and it reminds me what kind of person I want to be (the kind who wears glitter drops!).

I found a beautiful top at Old Navy: deep blue velvet with ruffle sleeves and all-over glitter. It's so pretty, and the price went down to $7 (!), so I have the other colors too: charcoal and rose-petal pink.
Obviously, glitter keeps me going.

I finished the poetry book Red Trousseau. I started the poetry book Firstborn (Louisa Gluck's first book). And I reached my extra goal of 60 books! I think I'm restoring my confidence in myself as a reader.

On Friday, while Oliver was at school, Josh and I had a fire with a two-hour log. Then, we did it again! We even pulled out my wonderfully snuggling mint Shabby Chic blanket. I hope we have another have another fire soon. It's a restorative luxury.

I finished my peacock quill Compendium journal and started a journal from Target: red with white polka dots for Christmas. A new journal often feels like a new chance.

And just because I felt like it, I watched Passengers again (4th time!). I want to practice not limiting myself if something is safe and gives me joy.

A Bold Reader: Week 50

This past week, I finished Red Trousseau. I began Firstborn, maybe my third Louise Gluck reading experience.

So I've reached my extra goal: 60 books this year! This hasn't been my best reading year because I didn't stay on track with the Bible or with my fall focus.

I missed a couple of poetry baths. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, so if I can read and retain, I'm pretty excited. Words still move and change lines, but I do what I can.

I gathered all the Christmas-themed magazines I could find on my shelves. I'm trying for some spirit. After I finish a magazine (with rare exceptions), I let Oliver tear it up. Right now, Oliver only wants books so that he can tear them apart, even his favorites. So influencing him to love reading is not easy.

Josh just finished reading all of Kay's books. I still miss her. My heart drops a little each time I remember that she is gone. But we still have her books.

Story Snippet: One Pink Star.

We don't have many Christmas decorations; Oliver has already been knocking down our lights-only faux tree. But I was at Target and spotted something magical for $3: a large, three-dimensional, pink glitter star. It now hangs from the review mirror in my car. Oliver regards it with wonder as "Mama's star" or "Mama's sparky star."

Tiny details can make such a difference. I learned that in part from Alexandra Stoddard (read Living a Beautiful Life!). I have a flowing purple hearts and glitter phone case. Mom recently bought her own phone case with roses on it, and she ordered a case for her friend. Attention to detail plus generosity!

The star reminds me that beauty and magical emerge for those who seek them or create them.

Nourish and Challenge.

I think these are two of the most important tasks we have: nourishing ourselves and challenging ourselves. Challenging without nourishing leads to breakdowns, real or perceived failure, and overall instability. Nourishing without challenging leads to complacency and stagnation. Balancing the two, I think, is a daily and a long-term goal.

When I was teaching, challenges were constant, and I took on more than I had to. At first, I worked even while I ate, and I rarely took the time for anything else. I answered student E-mails at midnight. Working hard felt good until I could no longer withstand it. I was breaking under real and (equally terrible) perceived pressure. I didn't have time or energy for my life-long passions. I wasn't reading enough. I was stuck. Of course, now we know that mental illness played a major role, but I think this can happen without mental illness too.

Now that I'm not teaching, those two goals are still vital. I have to challenge myself: tough books, writing exercises, blog upkeep, and daily learning.

While I don't think I have an eating disorder, I do think I have to be vigilant about nourishment. I need to read books for the sheer joy of it--children's and young adults' books, books on creativity, old favorite books. Reading is one of the best ways I know to nourish a mind and heart.

I also have to work in human contact, if only to talk to another parent in a therapy waiting room. That's both a challenge and nourishment for me. And I need to absorb beauty--art books, great movies, and deep or simply fun magazines.

I'd like to have a coin with Nourish on one side and Challenge on the other.

Restoration: Week 49.

Stories are like sparkling stitches, and I've been reading a lot of stories this past week. I finished one collection and started another. Though I should be focused on fall (creative non-fiction), I'm stuck (happily) on stories as if this were summer.

Bruce and I finished season two of American Horror Story. Murder House was dark. Asylum was darker. What comes next? I'd love to write for a show like that. I wonder if I could write something that could scare anyone.

The Michael Ball CD Josh found for me is my favorite at the moment. I remember my grandparents playing "Love Changes Everything." They gave me some good coping strategies.

I got to see Dad briefly. He was waiting with a Shirley Temple. Oliver talks about his grandparents almost constantly.

I'd like to discover some new Christmas music. I think Michael Crawford has a Christmas album. It's sort of weird hearing Phantom singing Christmas songs, but Erik gets to celebrate too.

I only have to buy for one more person, and I've got most if not all the wrapping I need. I even got some I like (hot pink with white snowflakes) for Josh to use. More and more, I'm learning simply to ask for what I want.

The other night, I was feeling rough. I couldn't do much of anything. Finally, I went to Target. I latched onto the red everywhere and the sparkle all over. That's when I bought gift bags and tissue. And always, I got a pack of Pentel Sparkle Pop pens. Another set to plant and grow.

A Bold Reader: Week 49.

I finished Bad Motel, a collection of 100-word stories. I'm only one week away from my extra goal (60 books). I came quite close to finishing Red Trousseau, poems by Carol Muske-Dukes. I'll certainly finish it this week. And what's next?

Bruce and I will finish Acceptance soon. A little of the mystery is unspooling.

I have two failures to deal with. I have almost no chance of finishing the Bible this year (and I have no good reason), and I've done almost nothing with my fall focus (memoirs, dairies, creative non-fiction). Well. I still have a few weeks to make progress.

Using Amazon points, I bought Best Small Fictions 2018, available only in print so far. I'm going to keep digging for stories, especially super-short ones. I hope stories will then bubble to the surface of me. I try to keep nourishing and challenging my mind--perhaps the most important tasks for a person's self-care.

Restoration: Week 48.

For me, Christmas only comes one way: the three bell chimes on the first song on Aaron Neville's Soulful Christmas. I played the song the day after that Thanksgiving. And Josh made a Christmas playlist with some of his favorite bands, my Aaron Neville Christmas album, and our shared James Taylor's Christmas. I want to listen to more Christmas music and feel its soft hug and rejuvenation.

This past week, I read many tiny stories and finished the collection Bad Motel. I also read several old Christmas magazines and found more issues. The Christmas spirit soothes me and reconnects me to wonder and joy.

My current journal is one from one of favorite brands: Compendium. It's a slim but fairly large journal. The cover is soft, but the is remarkably sturdy. I looked inside the back cover--Josh gave e this journal and others like it for my 28th birthday. But it seems so recent! This journal is green and blue with a peacock quill pen.

I fell asleep in the bath for a couple of hours.

I had a meeting with Oliver's teacher and a special ed coordinator. We laughed and told silly stories about Oliver. Next year, he will be in a combined 2nd and 3rd class for children with autism. I feel pretty good about it.

I went to see the doctor, complaining of a sinus infection. The PA confirmed my self-diagnosis and put me on antibiotics. I'm feeling much better right now, restored.

I've been thinking about it for years, but a 50% off sale came along, and I bought a Life Straw. Having been without water just for a little while, I want to be prepared to drink that gross pond water!I feel partly restored every time I drink cold, clear water.

Bruce and I are still enjoying American Horror Story. Our twice-a-week show nights renew my curiosity and my love of good, complex story telling.

I got a special cover for the overflow drain in the bathtub. I've taken deeper baths, which is just lovely. Bath and poetry time is one of my most restorative daily rituals.

Josh asked if I'd lost weight. I don't know if I have, but hearing that restored a little of my confidence and hope.

I've begun wearing my new coat (which I got for half price!). It's heavy and mid-thigh length. It's lilac ice. I love having a coat that fits well and really warms me, and the color delights me.

Opportunities for restoration seem to be everywhere.

A Bold Reader: Week 48.

Bruce and I finished Authority this past week. Weird! I wonder how much the final book in the trilogy will reveal or explain. We started it--Acceptance--so we're going to find out! We've already chosen our next book, which will be quite different.

I'm quite close to finishing Bad Motel. I read more than a dozen of those tiny stories (more than one per day!). They strike me as so brave. I've written flash fiction--but 100 words? Dang.

I went through six magazines this past week, most of them old Christmas issues to get me in the spirit. My main motivation was, of course, Oliver--he's always looking for something new to shred. But I thoroughly enjoyed the magazines before handing them over.

I have two Christmas issues of Bella Grace, which I plan to keep. It's a beautiful magazine, and I always check for the next issue at Barnes. It's expensive, but it's a thick quarterly--worth it!

I'm ever so behind on my Bible, and I don't even know why. But I'm working at it. I'll finish it, even if not by New Year's Eve. Still, I'm pushing myself. I'll read less of other books. I'll be bolder.

58 books this year! Reaching my extra goal of 60 will be no problem. My total is 645 books. I hope I can reach a total of 1,000 books by the time I turn 40.

If I Were More Courageous.

(and had more time...and more money...)

• I'd attempt new writing.
• I'd edit and submit old writing.
• I'd buy skates and skate in the parking lot.
• I'd brave the quick kids and go to a skating rink, even if just by myself.
• I'd do karaoke.
• I'd light a match.
• I'd go get a chair massage at the mall.
• I'd give cooking another try.
• I'd be able to enjoy travel and visits more.
• I'd work out or swim often.
• I wouldn't look away during horror movies.
• I'd take dance lessons--modern, tap, return to Irish step....
• I'd get involved in community theatre.
• I might pierce my nose--just a tiny sparkle on one side.
• I might get a tattoo, a Carl Sagan quotation on my left side.
• I'd read the challenging books.
• I might try a church.
• I might learn to sew my own clothes.
• I might drive more.
• I'd be more adventurous with Oliver.
• I might have had a second child.
• I'd dye my hair teal.
• I'd actually use sparkly black eyeshadow.
• I might try painting.
• I might get manicures.
• I'd wear red more often.
• I might ruthlessly edit my wardrobe.
• I'd enjoy the Christmas spirit more thoroughly.
• I've actively pursue many forms of inspiration.

From My To-Do Wish List.

Here are some items from my to-do wish list this week:

• Respond to five prompts
• Make five blog posts
• Finish a book
• Play with stickers
• Use chaise
• Use desk
• Fill two journal pages per day
• Paint nails
• Use face mask
• Wear a scarf
• Glitter something
• Work on French Women Don't Get Fat
• Work on Uniquely Human
• Work on 'Salem's Lot
• Work on Lena Dunham's essays
• Work on Egypt
• Set up pill box
• Find gift wrap
• Organize shoes
• Gather blue and green pens
• Try gray/silver makeup
• Watch Alice in Paris
• Look at inspiring gift book

Restoration: Week 47.

This past week, I read only a little poetry. But I read many tiny stories. They seem to patch me up somehow. I don't know if I could really writer that way. I do have lists of story ideas and first lines. Perhaps some tiny stories wait among those.

We spend two nights in Charlotte with Mom and Shane. Thanksgiving lunch was delicious. I probably had three slices of pumpkin pie while we were there. We love to eat pie for breakfast. It's a restorative joy.

James and I talked a great deal about movies. Mom asked about our favorites, telling James, "Your sister thinks questions are love." Yes!

Shane drove Mom and me all around on Friday. We went to Cheap Joe's Art Stuff, a place that plants me firmly in the concrete but also makes me feel like I'm floating. I chose 20 dark metallic and glitter Gelly Roll pens (my perennial favorite) for my upcoming journals. We stopped at a yarn shop for Mom (we all need our tools) and a mini bundt cake bakery for Shane (my carrot cake bundt lasted two days). I mentioned Paper Source, and there we were! I love the atmosphere and merchandising. It makes me think that some creativity is about to bubble out of me. The rubber stamps were lovely: a trees with star-like leaves, You Are Magical, and a cluster of snowflakes. It was a restorative day, soaking up beauty and potential beauty.

We had dinner snacks (my favorite! Salami, cheese, and this time, Mom's crab dip!) on Friday night. I drank soda, jumping off the one-soda-a-week wagon temporarily. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

I finished a journal on Sunday. Getting ready to start a new journal is a thrill.

The week restored my joy and many of my connections. I'm grateful for that.

A Bold Reader: Week 47.

This past week, I almost finished Authority, the second book of the sci-fi trilogy Bruce and I have been reading. I should finish it today.

I finished reading Best Small Fictions 2016, the third in the series of tiny stories I've read. I look forward to more. I've read them on my phone, and BSF18 is only in print right now, so we'll see. I began reading Bad Motel, a volume of 100-word stories. Tiny fiction fascinates me. I also caught up on reading a story for each day.

I fell behind on reading poetry. I didn't bring any on our trip to visit Mom & co. But I'll pick it back up.  Having silent baths was kind of nice.

I've read 29 books of poetry this year. Eventually, I'm hoping that reading all those poems will knock loose a few that are trapped in my head. I miss being a poet.

Freshen up Your Journal.

I've kept a regular journal, with some dry-ink spells, for eighteen years. My style has shifted in that time. Here are some tips from my experience:

• Choose a beautiful blank book, but more importantly, choose one that matches your style and tools. If you don't have a lot of space when you write, a spiral journal is a good, compact choice. If you prefer to use gel pens, fountain pens, or even markers, choose a journal or sketch book with sturdy pages. I try to have thick pages in all my journals so that my tools can shift with my mood and location. A fountain pen is lovely at home, but a ballpoint may be best for a park bench. For more about shopping for a journal, click here.
• Keep a to-do wish list in your journal. Make a list in your journal of what you would love to accomplish in a day, week, or month. I use weekly lists. Because I do this, I don't have to keep a separate planner (apart from Google Calendar). I make it colorful and detailed. I keep the list marked with a sticky flag, so I can easily flip back and check my progress. The best part of my to-do wish list is that it is just that: I don't expect to accomplish everything in that week, but I have clear directions for myself and where I'm going. I try to check off half the items.
• Use sticky flags. Pick flags you like! These character flags are my favorite. The flags can mark lists, prompts, and ideas.
• Use sticky notes. This is another reason I can get by without a paper planner. I have large blue, lined Post-Its, and I put them on the endpapers and inside the covers of my journal. These are where I collect story ideas, writers' names, book titles, movie titles, questions, and other lists. When I start a new journal, I either put the notes in my new journal, or I copy the lists into a blue glitter spiral notebook I use for that purpose.
• Keep a wish list on the last page. I add and cross off as I go, and I copy whatever is still relevant into the next journal. I especially try to keep up with names of, for example, Urban Decay eyeshadows I want. When I have a little money, or someone needs a gift idea, my list is ready.
• Play with stickers. I add stickers to every other spread, just to add some whimsy. Sometimes, the coming surprise makes me write more.
• Color coordinate. I've never wanted to use the same ink colors for adjacent journal entries (except in my first journal, which I think I filled with thick black ink). If the colors change day by day, I have a much easier time finding something I've written down (I may remember that it was a pink day). I used to use any colors that didn't clash with the cover. But now, I use only colors that cover art uses. I tried three colors, but two is much easier to manage. When I began my current journal, which shows Cinderella's pink dress, I checked all my pen cups and bags for pink and gold pens. The pens went into my glittery silver ipsy bag. When I start another journal, I'll switch out the colors. I also color coordinate the stickers I use. I love consistent color in various shades and finished. When I respond to a prompt or make a list, I use a different color pen, and I mark the entries with a horizontal (not finished) or a vertical (finished) sticky flag.

My journal is a big part of my life. I don't know enough about bullet journaling, and I don't have time or focus for art journals, but my journal still reflects who I am and who I want to be.

Restoration: Week 46.

I'm almost done with my Christmas shopping! Something about shopping for others is restorative, and it's guilt-free shopping! Everything is laid out by person on the guest bed, waiting for wrapping.

We had so much rain this past week. I should be more thankful for it--it renews.

I've had some symptoms of mania this past week. I saw my psychiatrist on Friday, and he made a few changes to my meds. I hope the changes will restore me.

I finished Best New Poets 2008. I'm so glad that I've kept the ritual of reading poetry aloud each night. It soothes me and presses me firmly into the moment.

Bruce and I finished watching season 1 of American Horror Story. We've been so excited about the show, and we have six seasons left! I love how it makes me feel glad, exuberant. 

I've been lighting candles during the day. Just watching a flame dance through the frosted glass restores me. And the wood wick candles have a comforting crackle.

A Bold Reader: Week 46.

So I've reached 56 books. I should be able to read to my extra goal of 60 books this year. The weeks are rapidly passing.

This past week, I finished Best New Poets 2008. I bought the book when it was new and only just now took the time to read it. I don't know if the series even exists anymore. But I finally read the book!

I replaced it with poet Kim Dower's Air Kissing on Mars, which, I think, it my third KD book.

I love slim volumes of poetry, but I also like anthologies with a variety of voices, most of which I'd never read otherwise. It's like a multi-vitamin for the mind and soul.

I often think poetry is soul-speak. It's a language in which I try to become fluent, and enough dialects exist to keep me learning all my life.

The Wonder of the Wist List.

I love a good list, as you may have noticed. When I was growing up, I loved pros and cons lists. I'd make them when deciding whether or not I (or a friend) should break up with a guy. My darling friend Melissa even bought me a Knock Knock pros and cons list pad. I made lists for her too.

My 40 before 40 and my 30 before 30 lists have at least given me and dusty map or a cloudy compass to keep me, at least, going in a good direction.

I've written Reasons I Love You lists, and I've received a few in return.

My to-do lists were lengthy when I was in 6th grade. Now, my weekly to-do lists are almost out of control. I write them in my journal, taking up two or more pages and still ending up with items crawling on the margins. My actual goal is to complete half the items on my list for the week. The lists are detailed and repetitive. What I don't achieve goes on the next list, or I decide the task isn't important. The lists are unrealistic, but they remind me about the kind of person I want to be in my daily life and with my long-term goals.

But the greatest of all lists is the Wish List. I've had one on Amazon for many years. I should probably clean it up. The list and recommendations steer me toward great discoveries. I put wish lists on my blog occasionally, mixing wishes for objects and experiences. I keep a wish list at the back of my current journal, usually including hard-to-find objects (red rhinestone earrings), books or notebooks, and makeup items. I edit the list when I copy it into my new journal.

Wish lists also express or reveal who I am and what sort of creature I am becoming or want to be.

Some Stuff I Just Love Right Now.

• Makeup Remover Farmacy Green Clean Makeup Meltaway Cleansing Balm. Long name, but just a little of the balm quickly wipes away my eye makeup, whatever pigment or glitter I'd been wearing.
• Pentel Sparkle Pop Pens. The truth? I buy a pack each time I go to Target.
• The poet Mary Oliver.
• Peter Pauper Press journals, of course.
• Character sticky flags (get 'em here). I use them in every book I read.
• Leggings that pass as pants.
• Tiny owls.
• Blush.
• Black metal jewelry.
• Socks with shea butter.
• Lilac scent.
• My black washcloths with white hearts.
• Wearing pink.
• My Disney Princess pajamas.
• A blue glitter notebook from Mom, which I use for lists such as Books and Writers to Read, Story Ideas, and Movies to Watch.

Restoration: Week 45.

Major restoration: the new theatre season has begun!

Bruce and I went to see Hamilton. I didn't know what to expect. It didn't seem like something that would interest me much, but of course, with its wild success, I was curious.

And it was great! The rap-esque songs, the choreography, the lighting, the ensemble, even the minimal sets and costumes impressed me. It was a great way to start the new season, and it refreshed my heart. Today, Mama said that theatre is medicine for my soul. So true. As I keep up with the medicine for my body and mind, I need to remember the soul.

Bruce and I also went to see Bohemian Rhapsody. We liked it. It made me remember my dad introducing me to so much music when I was small. Those are restorative memories.

And Bruce and I have been watching American Horror Story. It's not what I'd call restorative, but it's certainly refreshing. What a brilliant new approach to horror and overall storytelling! I can't wait to see more.

I do feel strong; I used to have no tolerance for horror--I would be messed up for weeks or months. The idea of horror has always fascinated me, but I couldn't handle it. Now, I don't think it's desensitization exactly, but after my own horrors (I know real fear), my courage has deepened--an astonishing restoration. I see the scary as entertaining and thought-provoking. I often analyze movies for a long time, and I love talking about movies with those I love. My brother, James, and I take movies seriously in a way that may be unusual. I'm glad we can share that.

Oliver wasn't feeling very well last week, and a few days ago, we took a nap together. He gave up his nap so many years ago, but I felt I had him, little again, in my arms.

Josh and I went to 2nd and Charles with our free time on Friday. Josh spotted a Michael Ball CD (Marius in Les Mis, Raoul in Phantom). It has some great songs, such as Phantom ones he must have wanted to try; "Lift the Wings," a gorgeous song from Riverdance, "Seasons of Love," and "Tell Me on a Sunday." $4!

A year or more ago, I found a lovely purple T-shirt with words from Darcy's little confession of love. I guess $20 seemed like too much. But while we were there the other day, I found it on sale for $5! I also bought a $3 copy Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats. Cats the musical is based on this book, so it's silly that I've never read it. Cats is the last show of the theatre season, and I will be prepared!

This week was full of bright spots and some sustaining light.

A Bold Reader: Week 45.

This past week, I finished Twenty Days & Nights, poems by c. b. eady. I like the impact of brief poems.

I looked at magazines--something I always mean to do but don't find time for. But the good thing (other than the soothing effect) about Oliver loving to shred paper is that it pushes me to give him my magazines...and I want to read or peruse them first. I've mainly looked at Glamour issues that Bruce brought me from the college library. I'll soon work on the two-shelves-worth of my own magazines. I love the ethereal advertisements and the bright colors, the crinkling streamers of ideas.

I began reading Winter Hours, which is actually a book of essays and prose poems in addition to regular poems. Mary Oliver said in the introduction that the contents are autobiographical, so I'm counting the book as poetry and as a memoir for my fall focus.

I've been thinking about starting a collection of The Phantom of the Opera books in various editions and with different cover art. When Josh and I went to 2nd and Charles, I saw three different covers. I'd want to display them somehow.

I've now read 55 books this year. My goal was 50, so I feel pretty bold. I like surprising myself that way.

Christmas Pajamas.

One of my favorite childhood memories is of my grandparents giving or sending me pajamas to wear on Christmas Eve. All my many cousins got pajamas. Usually, they were the same styles for the girls and for the boys. We came down the staircase as a small parade for our parents' cameras.

I remember a long white nightgown with red ribbon and matching robe. I remember blue flannel pants and a solid blue tee. We usually got something extra such as a robe, slippers, or a plush toy. I kept the pajamas until they wore out. I was sad when I was too old to get them anymore.

Some years, my mom-in-law gives me pajamas (a turquoise snowflake set), and some years, my mom does (a blush set with button-down top). But last year, I bought myself Christmas pajamas, just in case. I found an ivory thermal set with images of the Disney princesses. I already got my Christmas pajamas for this year (just in case): a gray and ink top that says If the tiara fits and fleece-lined, pale pink pants with beautiful sketches of the Disney princesses. I'm wearing them now! I keep washing them so I can wear them anytime.

Still, I hope Santa will send me some Christmas pajamas. That's a size large now, Santa.

As a Parent (with a Guest Writer!).

Josh and I worked on this together.

Josh:

As a parent, I want to be sure that 

• Oliver can see himself in others.
• Oliver knows that I love him even if he’s never able to understand what the words mean.
• Oliver can express his emotions in healthy ways.
• The world Oliver inherits doesn’t break his heart as much as it breaks mine.
• Oliver can recognize fear and not feel that he must react to it with anger or violence.
• I want to be sure that Oliver can interrogate his own emotions.
• Oliver knows that he’s not the only one who is afraid of the noises, sights, and sensations around him.
• Oliver can express his feelings of affection. 
• I want to be sure that Oliver sees beauty in the world and understands that it must be protected.
• Oliver understands that when I die, I didn’t abandon him and that I didn’t want to leave him.

Me:

As a parent, I want to be sure that

• Oliver never feels a lack of affection from me.
• I give Oliver as many hugs and cuddles as he needs.
• Oliver knows about my illness in a way that makes him more aware and more compassionate.
• As much as possible, I fill his mind with beautiful thoughts and memories.
• Oliver grows to love books and reading.
• Oliver eats enough (a tough one!).
• Oliver learns how to be kind to others.
• Oliver accepts his autism and does not get discouraged.
• Oliver always feels loved and supported.
• I do all I can to help him choose and be a respectful, gentle, and loving partner.
• I help him lead a substance-free life until he is old enough to have alcohol in moderation. 
• I say no only when it really matters.
• I teach him the value of patience by letting him wait.
• I learn him learn to appreciate and moderate his emotions. 
• He knows how much people love him.
• He knows he can tell me anything.

Right Now Wishes: 11.8.18

I wish

• All the movies and shows were streaming for free from one place.
• For sparkly red earrings--silver ones and gold ones (not easy to find!).
• To see myself with a little more clarity.
• For an aquarium in the wall.
• To return to size 4!
• For easy hair curling. Snap!
• To be pen pals with Sierra Boggess.
• For beautiful, mismatched dishes from Anthropologie.
• I had a dressing room with everything arrange by color.
• For better reading focus.
• To learn gorgeous lettering.
• For someone to get a kitten I can cuddle.
• To go out to eat with Josh once a week.
• For fairy lights over my bed.
• To stop snoring.
• To have perfectly clear skin.
• For my wedding rings to fit again.
• For a windchime made of antique keys.
• A quilt made off my old T-shirts.
• To put all our pictures and art back on the walls (and for Oliver to be done with tearing everything down).
• For no bloating.
• I could draw well.
• For the ability to play any instrument I touch.
• To see Starlight Express.
• To see Sunset Boulevard again.
• To be a better friend.
• For a cleaned-out car.
• For a garden tub in a master suite.
• Mrs. Grossman's sticker factory--here!
• For a painless nose piercing.
• For a nearby, non-sketchy roller skating rink.
• To read all of Andrew Lang's colorful books of fairy tales.
• For Aunt Linda to come back and read me stories. 
• To talk to my grammy, even for an hour.
• To spend another evening with Kay and Joseph Bathanti, Cathy Smith Bowers, and Alan Michael Parker.

Restoration: Week 44.

This past week, I haven't done much general scribbling in my journal, but I've responded to many of my prompts in pink ink. Many of those responses (including this one!) morph into blog posts. The process restores me.

I finished reading Mary Oliver's House of Light. I love her poems. I wish I could always have a book of hers waiting for me.

Bruce and I watched two episodes of American Horror Story, and we are hooked. I jitter with anticipation for the next episode. The show is so unique and layered, and the cast is stellar. Who knows when we'll catch up? I have so many great memories of watching TV shows with people I love, and I think they revive our relationships. That may be a future blog post.

I've been thinking about Christmas for a while already. I've done all my shopping for four key family members. The others will be tougher, but I do have some ideas. Giving gifts or prizes (small gifts for no reason) to others renews something in my heart.

A Bold Reader: Week 44.

This past Sunday, I finished House of Light by Mary Oliver. Her poems are soothing in an Billy-Collins way yet more complex. I've now read three of her books, and I have two waiting. I love finding new (to me) poetry.

I've been trying to read five days' worth of the Bible every day, so I can catch up. Reading around Oliver isn't easy. But I got through Psalms, Proverbs, and Song of Solomon this past week. I don't know why I got so behind.

I have found myself procrastinating with some of my reading. I was so excited about getting Francesca Lia Block's book on writing, Necklace of Thorns, but it came inviting, and I haven't opened the book. Why? I also cut it close with Tiny Book Club books. I guess something, reading or otherwise, always seems more urgent. I should be past that.

I read some of Small Fictions 2016 while I waited for Oliver to fall asleep. I've really come to appreciate books on my phone. I've been reading at least one story for each day.

Wearing Green.

Some years ago, I wrote a short story with this title. A young man goes to a party and meets a girl who believes that wearing green empowers and protects her. Green has been magical for me sometimes too.

In 2009, I graduated from Queens University's MFA program. Part of my final residency was a public reading from my thesis. My mom said I could wear her silky emerald button-down, which I loved. I felt striking and confident, and my reading went well.

At the college where I used to work, I ended up giving a seminar on workplace English. It was the end of a long day, and everyone would be there--faculty, staff, administration. I wore a black suit with elbow-length jacket, and I pulled my hair back. I wore a Kelly green button-down. The presentation went well.

My last example is from my dad's wedding. A parent's wedding is weird at best, and I didn't know what to expect, especially of myself. I couldn't find a good dress to wear, and I needed to feel calm and confident. I decided on an ivory jacket with ivory pinstripe pants. I wore them with a moss green V-neck and my favorite shoes--green wedge Mary Janes (they've since fallen apart--I miss them!). Everything was okay.

I should wear green more often.

What Amazes Me.

• My mom's gardens. Wherever she is, she makes flowers bloom.
• Stage sets and set changes. How do people make sets so astonishing yet portable?
• CDs. I can't began to ponder how they work.
• Red carpet gowns. I wonder what it would be like to have someone dress me, do my hair, and apply my makeup for an event like that. The last time this happened was when Mom styled me for Josh and my wedding.
• People who can really rollerskate or iceskate.
• My dad's work. He can talk to robots!
• How makeup and nail polish brands keep creating new colors, finishes, and effects.
• My mom's beautiful knitting and sewing projects.
• The wildly orange trees in front of a nearby gas station. 
• On stage costume quick changes. How?
• The massive body of fairy tales, legends, and retellings. 
• Horror movies. I'm fascinated by what kind of research and tradition must go into figuring out what scares people and why.
• People who have trained their bodies in amazing ways (dancers, especially).
• Sculpture. How can one carve a smooth figure out of stone?
• Catching a glimpse of a snowflake's shape before it melts.
• People who make objects of blown glass.
• ER nurses who must be fried but still smile genuinely and listen.
• People who work with children who have special needs.
• Children who speak fluently with their parents and friends.
• Josh's research.
• Gorgeous lettering.
• The way I react to the scent of Oliver's hair. Yes, he's my baby for sure.
• The evolution of writing tools--a book on it must exist.
• Ancient Egyptian art.
• The survival and evolution of myths.

Restoration: Week 43.

Watching movies, alone or with others, almost always restores me. It gives me new ideas to ponder, and favorite shared moments or quotations can add a strand to a bond.

This past week, I watched The Quiet Ones by myself. I like Olivia Cooke from Bates Motel. The Quiet Ones had an interesting premise but seemed rushed. Of the two twists, the small one was best, but no one really explored it.

Also by myself, I watched 3 Generations (formerly titled Ray or About Ray, which is why I couldn't find it for so long). With a stellar cast, the movie follows Ray, a transgender boy who is ready to start taking hormones while all the adults in his life are uneasy and overwhelmed but loving. Elle Fanning was good as always. And I don't even have to elaborate on Susan Sarandon. I appreciate movies that help me understand others, especially others in pain I've never experienced.

With Bruce, I watched The Lodgers, which was intriguing and unsettling. The combination of themes made it a surprisingly unique story. I would read the book!

Josh and I had last Friday together! He needed to get some running shoes (and as the moment, we can actually afford them!), so we went to Dick's. I walked to Home Goods and soaked up the Christmas silver and snowflakes. I saw a low, purple velvet bench with a low back and sides--it would be beautiful at the foot of our bed.

I walked on to Hobby Lobby, which is just huge. Most of the gel pen sets and stickers were 50% off! We went to World Market, which feels like a rich and tranquil place.

Josh and I went to lunch at Chili's. We even shared a dessert. I think that time together restored our bond.

On Saturday, my mom and Shane came to watch Oliver while Josh and I went to Josh's brother, Zach's, wedding. While Josh and Oliver met up with a relative, Mom and Shane took me to Carrabbas--always so satisfying.

The wedding was beautiful--I intend to write a little more about it later. Now, I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers. That feels like restoration.

A Bold Reader: Week 43.

I've read 53 books this year! This past week, I finished Native Guard. I asked Josh if he wanted to read it, and he did so all in one sitting! I envy his talent for reading. I'll look for more Natasha Tretheway. I began c. b. eady's Twenty Days and Nights: Poems from an Ordinary Life.

Bruce and I are in Part 2 of Authority, and we're liking it. The style differs from Annihilation. The current protagonist is more open.

I'm not doing well at all with my fall focus. I have under two months. I'll manage. Lena Dunham, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and Michael Crawford are my priorities. I'm halfway through Mark Vonnegut's Just Like Someone without Mental Illness Only More So, so that will count.

I'm still trying to read a short story for each day. I'm about halfway through Best Small Fictions 2016, so I'm making progress.

The Closet of Hope.

I wrote this at the top of a page of my journal. I don't know what it means or what I was thinking about at the time. It makes me think of Francesca Lia Block's character Weetzie Bat, whose friend's grandmother had the most amazing wardrobe. All that beauty enveloped Weetzie.

I have a closet full of clothes I hope I can wear again someday. And then, I have what I call the Wardrobe of Acceptance, which is in a literal wicker wardrobe. I'm still going to try to lose significant weight, but I need something to wear in the meantime. I imagine a lot of those bigger clothes in a storage unit in Rockingham, about half way between Mom and me. Whenever one of us gains weight, we can shop the storage unit.

Alexandra Stoddard, a lifestyle writer I adore, wrote about making a collage of art postcards on the inside of a closet door.

Closets tend to get the "scary" label, but I'd much rather see them as magical. They always seem to hide something wonderful, like silver peacock heels or polka dot towels.

ViaCharacter.org Character Strengths.

I love a good personality test. I think I came across this one (viacharacter.org) on Facebook. I found the results interesting, so I wanted to share them. The test looks for 24 personality traits or key values and ranks them based on a 100+-question test. But note, my #24 is Humility. LOL.

1) Humor. I was surprised to find humor near the top at all. But first? The more I think about it, though, the more sense it makes. For the last few years, I've used humor to distract myself from illness and stress. I love funny videos from SNL. I also love Jimmy Fallon's "Hashtags." I love laughing, and I love making others laugh. I try to tell funny stories. One of the best parts of my patchwork family is that we laugh a lot together. Humor is in Bruce's top 5 too! We certainly laugh a lot. He may like personality tests as much as I do.

2) Love of Learning.  I don't really have any major interest in going back to school. I'm satisfied with my MFA. The PhD comes to mind occasionally, but it would not be good for my family. Still, I learn a lot by reading. Even when I'm not learning new facts or skills, reading strengthens my mind, and events (like shows) can enrich the background of my thoughts. Josh got love of learning in his top 5 too. He's always doing some kind of internally motivated study. And he can read anything.This is in Bruce's top 5 too. These first two traits are probably two of the biggest reasons we're close. For example, we read together.

3) Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence. I can certainly feel that. A painting, a hallway, a bit of graffiti can pause my breath. I've been building a habit of honest compliments--kindness or compliments that I felt but didn't express in the past. I love to have my walls covered with my passions--fairies, mermaids, movies, literature. People close to me really impress me, and I try to let them know. Josh got this one too! That's good he's a professor and needs to find the good in a student's work or even character. When he looks at me, he always finds something to appreciate such as my eye makeup, coordinated colors, or what I'm wearing. He sees great beauty in forgotten buildings or cemeteries.

4) Love. My love is no joke. Once someone gets it, it can be overwhelming. I want to love, but I'm not so good at it. I try to think of a person's love language (my brother's, for example, is touch) and use that.

5) Gratitude. One of the main reasons I started this blog was to build up my gratitude and my awareness of my blessings. I make lists of my favorites and miracles.

So that sums up a lot about this season in my life.

Restoration: Week 42.

This past week, my tiny book club finished another book. I think that was #15. We've read quiet a variety: nonfiction, novels, young adult short stories, science fiction...

I felt like going to Michaels's, so Josh took me there. I found a huge "Find Your Perfect Pen" display with several brands. I was thrilled to find pens I'd never seen: Uni-Ball Signo metallic. I also found the pens my boss used to buy in purple and green for the department. But these were pink and turquoise, which seemed to represent how I've changed though I'm still the same person.

We also went to Barnes together. Just being around all those books restores me.

We went to Target, and I encouraged Josh to restore his work wardrobe with a couple pairs of dress pants. I found a navy sweater with bright blue all-over sparkle--perfect for Christmas Day (and several wears before that!).

I watched a movie by myself, free streaming. on Amazon Prime. I won't say which movie--it was a bit racier than I expected.

Josh had a class in the second 8 weeks of the semester. It got cancelled--a bummer. But now...he doesn't have to go to work on Fridays! What?! Last Friday was his first one at home, which is how we've been able to run around town. I think this will restore our bond and our joy.

A Bold Reader: Week 42.

This past week, Bruce and I finished Annihilation. It was strange and intriguing. We decided to read Authority, the second book in the Southern Reach Trilogy. I'm glad to be reading some science fiction.

I felt the need to be about books, so Josh took me to Barnes. He ordered a caramel macchiato for me, and he stayed with me. I saw many new journals, but none was irresistible.

But I did find a young adult version of Bella Grace (probably my favorite magazine). Those are the only magazines I buy, knowing how many magazines I already have. What is so special about magazines? For Mom's birthday, I gave her four or five magazines, which felt insufficient, but she loved it! That's a good birthday tradition. We encourage each other to read. I convinced her to join GoodReads, so each can see what the other is reading.

E-books are convenient, but we want to make sure that Oliver sees us reading and doesn't think we're just playing on our phones. I also just want to fuel my love of reading and my sense of the magic of books.

Journal Shopping: A Guide.

Journals that await me...

If you're shopping for a journal, keep these in mind:

• Paper quality. For me, pages need to be smooth and thick enough to handle a marker or fountain pen. I sadly avoid recycled journals because the paper is usually delicate and rough.
• Beauty. A journal should inspire you. Don't worry about messing up the prettiest journal. Journals are made for scribbling.
• Cost. This depends on your budget and how much you plan to write. If I'm swimming through a journal every two weeks (okay, that hasn't happened in years), I probably won't spend more than $20. If you think a journal will last a year, you may feel good about the $50 Italian leather journal. A journal is highly personal and will be a deep part of your life. Shop accordingly.
• Binding. This is hugely important. I love spiral journals, but they have to be of high quality. Otherwise, I look for sewn rather than glued bindings. Some sewn journals have spines that are left open. The best journals lie flat, making the writing easier.
• Size. I'm enjoyed tiny journals that fit in a small purse, and I've used huge journals that take up my whole lap. Decide based on the portability you need.
• Artist cover art. Look for your favorite artists (or find new favorites), I've had journals with cover art by Mary Engelbreit, Josephine Wall, Amy Brown, Bella Pilar, Stephen Mackey, K.Y. Craft, and various Disney artists. I feel privileged to write in those covers.

Where to shop:

• Barnes and Nobel usually has a great display of a variety of journals. This is a good place to find your favorite brands.
• Amazon is great if you know what you want. Don't get lost in the staggering variety.
• Paper Source often has lovely journals, sometimes including the Papaya! brand. It's also just a place to daydream and explore. 
• Papyrus carries Paperblanks and Kate Spade as well as journals with Bella Pilar (one of my favorite artists!) art.
• 2nd & Charles (or Books-A-Million) has many discount journals, some of them gorgeous. I've found many fantasy art journals there.
• Ross and such stores have discount journals, usually by the register or in the home goods (near photo frames).
• Target usually has at least a few great journals at low prices. I always check the pen and paper aisle when I'm at Target.

Favorite brands:

• Peter Pauper Press definitely wins the medal. Reasonably-priced, these journals are gorgeous. Barnes usually has several styles. High quality and little extras like a pocket in the back cover and an elastic band closure make this an outstanding brand.
• Compendium has a terrific variety of journals, most of them with themes or guidance but with plenty of blank space.
• Novel Journals are a recent discovery for me, and they are amazing! They are of such high quality, and the literary references are awesome (each journal celebrates a specific book). The lines are the tiny words of the book itself! You're likely to find at least one journal based on a book you love. 
• ArtWorks...I don't know what happened to this brand, but I loved it. I wrote on Christmas in a silky red journal with a Stephen Mackey angel on it.
• Black Rock Journals are an extension of PPP. They are simple and sturdy with black hard spiral covers and inspirational words in gold or silver.
• Ellie Claire makes faith-based journals. They are well-made with pretty covers, page art, and scriptures or quotations on each page. Barnes carries several of these.
• Flame Tree Journals are on Amazon and at 2nd & Charles. The covers often feature Josephine Wall art (she's one of my favorites!). The art is metallic and striking.
• Punch Studio. These are always beautiful with complex, collage-like cover art, often featuring the Eiffel Tower, hot air balloons, or crowns. Many of the journals have broach-style rhinestone magnet closures. Every page is lovely; I don't even use stickers on these. Amazon and Ebay are the best places to find the journals now. I don't often see them in stores.
• Paperblanks makes a rich but highly-priced journal. Some Barnes have a turning display.
• Papaya! Art makes some of the best journals I've encountered. Most journals have beautiful background art on every page. I especially like the spiral journals. The brand is inspirational and sassy.

Do you have questions? Comment below. Happy journal shopping!

Whoa, I'm a Mother!

The evidence:

• One of the cupholders in my car holds a bottle of hand sanitizer and a pack of Wet Ones.
• One type of angel is someone who gives us a pack of Wet Ones when we're cleaning Oliver's vomit out of the car.
• Whenever I need to move something, I put it in a Pull-Ups box--it has handles!
• My glove box is stuffed with pretzels, Goldfish, and other snacks.
• I am on constant snack duty.
• Instead of a coffee table, I have a Thomas table.
• I find toys in my shoes.
• My stretch marks are like battle scars from 13 months of breastfeeding.
• I buy two jars of pickles every week and orange juice by the gallon.
• I know which fruit snacks are best (Welch's).
• Every time I turn off the lights, a sound puzzle rumbles or barks.
• I hide my books under blankets to avoid destruction.
• I spend perhaps 1/3 of my grocery money on foods my child *might* eat.
• I get excited about receiving Kleenex wipes in a surprise box.
• Half of my little purse holds a change of clothes for Oliver.

Restoration: Week 41.

This week has not been as restorative as I would have liked. I didn't finish any books, but I was reading. I think reading always restores me, perhaps especially when I read poetry aloud.

Bruce took me to see Bad Times at the El Royale, which was weird and...fun? I couldn't take it seriously.

I'm terrible about putting away my still-clean clothes. So a laundry basket has been growing beyond its borders with clothes I've laid out. Tackling the task of putting away all those clothes was beyond me. I felt something akin to fear. But this last week, I had an idea. I set my timer on my phone to 30 minutes. I worked for half an hour, and when I heard the timer, I stopped. It wasn't scary when I knew I could leave it soon. And I've been making good progress. I'm thinking about keeping that 30 minutes to address an issue in our room or just work on cleaning and organizing our room.

Long talks with Mom almost always restores me (except when something terrible has happened). We talked on the phone a lot. The subject was far from happy, but we still made each other laugh.

I've been off soda for about two weeks, and it had better contribute to weight loss and general health because I hate it. I will say, though, that it has made me a little more confident in my self-control. It seems a bit pathetic, but I've turned off one of my major sources of happiness. Still, this is an effort to restore my health.

A Bold Reader: Week 41.

I haven't been a very bold reader this past week. I didn't finish any books. But I'm still happy that I met my annual goal.

I do plan to read many books before the year ends. Bruce and I are still reading Annihilation, and I love it! We may end up reading the two other books in the trilogy.

I'm trying to continue reading one short story per day. I think a literary diet full of stories is good for me, and with a short stories, I can open new worlds in a couple of pages.

I'm continuing to read House of Light, Native Guard, and Best New Poets 2008. I still read aloud in the bathtub.

I've also gone back to 'Salem's Lot, and it's pulling me in.

I must learn to focus on reading, to devote a chunk of time (and the empty minutes) to it. To avoid distractions such as E-mail. To lose track of time in books. To dive deeply into the books that await me. To be the reader I were I were.

Stitch Fix: What I Do and Don't Like to Wear.

I recently started using Stitch Fix, and it's made me think more about my personal style and what I do and don't want to wear, even down to accessories and other details. Stitch Fix sends you five items per fix for a $20 styling fee, which then goes toward anything you like and keep. You can just send the rest back for free. Do you want to try it? Use this link, and we'll both get $25 credits:
here!

So these are some of my personal preferences (a lot of what I dislike on myself looks great on someone else).

I don't like wearing

• Pointed-toed shoes
• Open-toed shoes
• Distressed denim
• Orange 
• Yellow
• Hoop earrings
• Windbreaker-style jackets
• Stilettos 
• Cropped tops
• Cargo pockets
• Back pockets with flaps
• Pencil skirts
• Animal prints
• Geometric prints
• Puffy outerwear
• Tassels

I do like wearing

• Round-toe shoes
• Dark denim
• Blush
• Gray
• Purple
• Green
• Black
• Light blue
• Pinstripes
• Mary Jane shoes
• Necklaces with charms or rhinestones/crystals
• Chandelier earrings
• Rhinestones, sequins, glitter, etc. on everything
• Wedge heels
• A-line, empire waist, and swing dresses
• Polka dots
• Star and heart prints
• Toms and similar slip-on styles
• Inspiring, literary, or fantasy-detailed graphic tees (especially Disney!)
• Unusual cardigans (I think I already own all the usual ones!)

Today's Top 10 Wishes: 10.10.18.

1. Gray dress pants with pink pinstripes.
2. More pink clothes in general.
3. German chocolate cake.
4. Sugar gliders.
5. My own aquarium--a whole building.
6. Access to a hot tub.
7. A huge bathtub. 
8. Peace for my whole family.
9. An orange-peeling machine.
10. More insight on how to interact with Oliver.

Restoration: Week 40.

This past week, I gave up soda. I need to restore my body to better health and, I hope, get slimmer after my lithium-related weight gain. I love soda, so I hope to see major results.

My mother's dear friend Druella and her family decided to give their old Honda Civic to us so that Josh can drive himself to work and so I won't have to bring Oliver out past his bedtime to pick up Josh from night classes. Wow!

So we went to Charlotte to pick up the car. While we were there, we got to spend time with Dad, Michelle, and their new dog, Buckley. We shared three good meals, and Dad had us stay at a lovely hotel. Josh, Oliver, and I went straight to bed.

Bruce and I finished The Boy on the Bridge and began Annihilation. Reading together refreshes our friendship.

Bruce and I also enjoyed the return of SNL and The Good Doctor. And we finally watched Yentl. We agreed that the only change that would make Yentl better would be to have Mandy Patinkin sing. I'd forgotten how beautiful the music is. I love restoring lost joys to myself.

A Bold Reader: Week 40.

One of my 40 before 40 goals is to bring my lifetime reading to 1,000 books. I'm at 639 right now. I have a long way to go. Maybe my goal next year can be 60 books, or maybe I'll make the goal 50 again and just surpass it.

This has not been a great week for accomplishments. My to-do wish list shows that. I hardly wrote at all this last week. But I have read a little poetry, and Bruce and I finished The Boy on the Bridge! The book was great, and I'm excited to read The Girl with All the Gifts, which is set in the same world. I've now read 51 books this year! I wonder how far I'll get.

At my brother's recommendation, Bruce and I began reading Annihilation, which is part of the basis for the movie of the same name and the first book of the Southern Reach trilogy. I hope we will want to read the whole series. This will be book #16 of our tiny book club. I've enjoy the boost and the bond.

So many books are appealing to me right now. I have to create or seize more reading time.

Restoration: Week 39.

This past week, I reached my goal of reading 50 books this year. I'm so excited! And now, I have another 2+ months to read with less structure or with a new structure I'll create. I can read more challenging works because I'm not in a rush.

Josh and I went to the gym together for the first time in a long time. I stayed on the treadmill for an hour. I hated it, but I read some on my phone. I'm sure it was good for me.

I've been sleeping more. During the day, I'm often exhausted for no good reason. I try to listen to my body, but with sleep, I don't know if it's a necessity or a self-indulgence. Of course, nothing's wrong with a some of the latter. But I've written very little this week, partly because I'm asleep. I need to restore my scribbles next week.

My son turned 7. This is amazing to me. He's enjoying school and therapy, and he's talking and playing more. We met Dad and Michelle and Mom and Shane in Spencer and rode with Thomas! The train's facial expressions were impressive and not at all creepy. We had a great time. It was nice to have the patchwork family together.

A Bold Reader: Week 39.

This past week, I reached my annual reading goal. 50 books! With 3 months to spare! I plan to keep up with my seasonal focus (memoirs and diaries for fall!) and get back to reading the Bible. I finished Descent and Wedding in Hell. I've read all of Kay's collections now. I still miss her.

The year is 3/4 finished. I feel that I've been a bold reader. I've stuffed myself with poetry, some accessible and some challenging. 23 books of poetry! I've enjoyed short stories, especially flash fiction. I hope to write some of my onw before the year ends. I reading Native Guard by Natasha Tretheway and House of Light by Mary Oliver. I intend to read a lot of Mary Oliver.

I can identify well with the title Reader now. After reading so much less (about half) last year, I feel victorious.

I've been working on sustained reading. I often get distracted while I'm reading, sometimes just by my thoughts. But I've started to reexperience reading in a flow state. It's one of the best feelings I know.

Restoration: Week 38.

Bruce took me to see A Simple Favor, which was a little funny and pretty complex. I love going to the movies because they give my mind more to chew on, and it enhances a bond (or my connection to myself).

I rad about 104 stories this summer. That has restored and revived my love of stories. I've been so pleased to see more collections in print. And some part of my mind (a part I feed with stories and movies and more) has been whispering to me of lives and concepts. It's as if something has rolled me a bright marble, and my job is to find the other marbles that belong to it. Honestly, I'm scared of doing product (poems, story, essay) writing again. I don't know why.

I'm really connecting to Boy on the Bridge. It's restoring my memories of reading, in a flow state (like staying up past 10 reading a Halloween book of The Babysitters Club). I want to gobble it up (haha if you know the book's premise) and seek out other books in that world.

Because of hurricanes and storms, my little family was together for more than a week. We only lost electricity for a day, if that. It all made me think more about the basics, such as how blessed we are to have easy and seemingly endless access to water. My gratitude is restored.

A Bold Reader: Week 38.

This past week, I finished Best Small Fictions 2015. Now, I only have BSF16. I hope '18 comes soon. I love flash fiction more and more.

This summer, I read 104 short (and short-short) stories. I feel I honored my short story summer focus.

Fall began: the focus is diaries and memoirs, which I may open up to creative non-fiction. I began reading Not That Kind of Girl by Lena Dunham. I binge watched her series, Girls, which is inappropriate for all audiences. This is going to be quite a read!

I've continued reading Boy on the Bridge with Bruce.

I got to 48 books for the year last week. What will I read in the remaining months? Anything! Maybe fairy tales. Maybe more about ancient Egypt. Maybe horror.Maybe Brontes and Austen. Maybe books that have long been on my guilt list.

In any case, I will keep reading. Who knows how far I'll go?

Best Gifts: Experiences.

These are a few of my favorite experience gifts.

• I recently wrote about swimming at Lake Norman. That experience still makes me happy.
• I've been to high tea twice, once at the Biltmore hotel and the other at a tea room with my Nanna. I don't actually like tea, but I sipped it anyway and enjoyed the tiny sandwiches and treats. I'd like to do that again soon.
• Our parents gave Josh and me an enchanted honeymoon. Josh's parents sent us to Disney, and my parents sent us to Portofino Bay hotel. The thrill is still present.
• My grandparents took me to five countries in Europe when I was 13. It must have changed me.
• My parents took me to Irish dance competitions in NC, GA, and FL. They were so engaged. 
• Bruce often treats me to movies. He also took over driving, so I wouldn't have that stressor.
• My parents supported or at least tolerated my weird obsessions, like my Harriet the Spy phase.
• When I was a teenager, Melissa used to drive me all around NC and SC, so we could chatter and shop. I was happy.
• Josh gives me almost limitless back massages and tickets. This is a highly effective way to ease my spirit.

Best Gifts.

This is a list of some of the best gifts I've received. I'll try to stick to physical objects rather than experiences--they deserve their own list.

• My mom give me a drawing she'd made--antique frame, black hair, green eyes.
• My dad gave me a tiny iPod Shuffle some years ago. He loaded it with a ton of the music we like. I keep it in the car and listen to it whenever a drive (which is a lot).
• Mom and Shane gave me a beautiful white secretary desk. It was deep drawers to hold stationery, pens, notebooks, and ink. 
• Josh often buys me a Best Johnson necklaces for our anniversaries. One of my favorites has a mermaid pedant with wild gold-brown and a green and pink tail.
• Before I began teaching, Mom gave me some work essentials for Christmas: black heels and a black blazer.
• When I was pregnant, Mom gave me nice maternity clothes for my birthday.
• Bruce went to a museum in Raleigh and got me a strangely beautiful jellyfish journal. And it's Peter Pauper Press, possibly my favorite journal brand. 
• Mom gave me a lovely Cinderella Madame Alexander doll--something I thought I'd never have.
• Kay gave us a hanging candle holder of green beads for our wedding. 
• My dad took me to see Sunset Boulevard and then bought me all the souvenirs I wanted. I was shocked and thrilled.
• When I was 16, I showed Dad a beautiful purple Hard Candy eyeshadow palette, and he bought it for me!
• Shane bought us a new washer and dryer when ours gave out.
• Grandpa made sure I always had a Walkman and showtunes.
• Nanna and Grandpa made sure I had good movies and TV shows (Little House!) to watch.
• And of course, many family members and friends have donated money to help us with Oliver's treatment.

Best Purchases.

This is a list I'm making of some of my best purchases as they come to mind.

• Jeans that fit. This is one of my best purchases I can make. Comfortable jeans are so perfectly basic.
• Polka dot raincoat. I bought this from The Limited some years ago. I thought I needed a grown-up raincoat. It's reversible to solid black.
• My gray jacket with Ariel art and teal stitching. This is my favorite casual jacket.
• Ring bath bombs. These give me such joy. I've ordered from Fragrant Jewels and from Charmed Aroma. It appeals to my little self searching for treasures.
• Every journal I've filled. They inspired me and became my companions for weeks or months. 
• Hard Candy Eyeshadow Quartet in Pixie. HC only exists at Walmart now, but when I was 16, HC was at Sephora. HC was my introduction to fancy makeup and unlocked so much fun and joy for me.
• Collection of poetry. I have a variety of poetry books. Josh often shops our shelves to find poetry to read. Normally (and this is pretty new), I take books I've finished (unless they're special) to 2nd and Charles. But I keep the poetry. It's rare and glimmering.
• Disney Princess journals. They disappear so quickly, and they are often among my favorites.
• Pens collection: I have many pens in a variety of colors and finishes. I have some in almost every room, in a pretty mug or a pretty pouch, to remind me to write.
• Lady in the Water, Jane Eyre (with Ruth Wilson--my favorite Jane), and Passengers. I bought these movies, and I'm glad to have the DVDs in my house.  I've almost been able to share them.
• Most of the gifts I've given. I usually love finding and giving gifts. I always think carefully about the best gift. I don't always succeed, but I can feel good about the thought and effort.

Restoration: Week 37.

This past week was good for reading. I finished a book and started another with Bruce. I've not read a novel in a while. I feel good about my reading.

Hurricane Florence has kept us indoors mostly. We lost power power--only for a day, so we're lucky. I took a candle-lit bath. I have the boys at home, probably for the week.

I actually looked through an entire issue of Lucky. It was fun, and Oliver was excited to have another magazine to shred.

I found the movie On Chesil Beach for free on Amazon Prime. I read the book years ago. The movie was at least as awkward and uncomforatble as the book. I feel good after I've watched a movie, alone or with others.

We have much more water than we need. That restores my sense of security despite the storm and its aftermath.

A Bold Reader: Week 37.

This past week, Bruce and I finished The Midnight Disease. It was interesting, and I learned a little about neurobiology. Bruce and I have now read 13 books together!

We also started a new book together: The Boy on the Bridge. It has grabbed my attention. We'll probably read the book quickly. It's set in the same world as The Girl with All the Gifts, which I'll probably read eventually.

I'm still reading poems by Charles Simic and Kay. I've added Best New Poets 2008.

I have begun so many books. I have a lot of catching up to do. Every book I finish boosts my confidence as a reader.

I'm 94% done with my annual reading goal: 47 of 50 books! I'll be able to go beyond the goal and maybe make time for some challenging readers.

Story Snippet: Warm Water.

A couple of years ago, I was insane (maybe literally) about swimming. I sometimes went to the pool twice a day. So when Dad and Michelle got some kind of boat subscription and invited us to along, my first question was, "Can we swim?"

Oliver loved the wind. He called, "Full steam ahead!" He wore a little life vest.

Dad had said that the lake felt like bathwater. It did! We all swam. I treaded water for an hour. I remember Michelle wore an adorable swimsuit--a red one-piece with a flutter of skirt. Josh video taped Dad dropping Oliver from the boat into the lake. Oliver went under and then popped right up and swam to Michelle. Then, he swam back to the boat and climbed in with no help.

I loved all the space to move my limbs. I felt strong and free. My body and I were on the same team. Everything calmed down in my head and heart.

When I Buy a Journal.

When I first started keeping a journal in earnest, I bought journals one at a time as I finished them. I remember Flavia journals, which no longer seem to exist. They were my favorites. At the time, I had plans to get married and go to Lipscomb. I knew we'd be poor then, so I started stockpiling journals for when I'd no longer be able to buy them. I bought them indiscriminately.

Now, I only buy really remarkable journals (of course, I always love them as gifts). I often see them at Barnes. I usually check Amazon. A special journal will reach for me, and I'll keep going back to look at it. If the pages aren't embellished, I add stickers for fun. I assign a couple of colors to match the journal with ink. Inside the back cover, I write where, when, and with whom I bought the journal or who gave it to me when. I love looking back at that; I wish I always remembered to record it!

I keep blank journals in green boxes with white polka dots under my bed. I had a dream of being able to "shop" for a journal at home; now, I can do it! I can match a mood, a color attraction, or a particular need of sturdiness or size--whatever reflects my frame of mind and my expectations for the next month or two while I fill the journal.

Restoration: Week 36.

This past week, I finished a Billy Collins book. His poems are often simple yet profound in some way. I read a lot of other poetry too, including more of the last book of Kay's that I have. Poetry often scrubs me and hydrates me. When I finish a book of poetry, I often feel that hint of restoration.

Bruce took me to two movies this past week! We saw Searching (pretty interesting) and The Nun (pretty scary). Movies add new thoughts and images to my mind (not always good, of course), and I mull over them for a long time. Movies always seem to restore the part of my brain that want to analyze characters and empathize with them. And going to the  movies together probably restores my bond with Bruce. We've read 12 books together! I wonder how many movies we've gone to see...far more!

Josh and I got to spend some time together--always restorative. Sometimes, he's still a surprise.

A Bold Reader: Week 36.

Most of my reading this past week focused on poetry. I have three books of poetry by the tub, and I read at least one poem from each book while I'm taking a bath. I read extra poems this past week, and I read some aloud to Josh.

I'm still reading Kay's final book, Descent, and Charles Simic's Wedding in Hell (one of his other books is in my favorite books cabinet). I finished reading Billy Collin's Horoscope for the Dead. Collins is highly accessible and often soothing. If one is new to contemporary poetry, Collins is a good place to start.

I did not finish Midnight Disease. But Bruce didn't either. The week, however, we will triumph.

I've read 100 stories this summer! And I plan to add more before the summer ends. Maybe the churning of all those stories will turn into something eventually.

I'm also 92% of the way through my GoodReads annual challenge. My goal was to read 50 books this year. I've read 46! But I'll just keep pushing; I have my goal to reach a read total of 1,000 books by my 40th birthday!

Favorites at This Moment.

This is a list of some right-now favorites. The list won't necessarily reflect my official, long-held favorites, and my answers could be different tomorrow.

• Animal: Seahorse.
• Color: Green or purple.
• Show: The Phantom of the Opera.
• Show Other Than Phantom: hmm...Sunset Boulevard.
• Metal: Silver.
• Movie Passengers.
• Magazine: Bella Grace.
• Gemstone: Aquamarine. 
• Article of Clothing: A gray short-sleeved sweatshirt with pink and blue roses.
• Office Supply: Planner stickers.
• Piece of Jewelry: Gold bib necklace with pink rhinestones in locks and keys.
• Actor Taissa Farmiga or Hugh Jackman.
• Drink: Cherry Coke.
• Possession: Big hot pink robe.
• Pen: Pentel Sparkle Pop--new to me and fabulous!
• Food: Potato skins.
• Gift: Journals or writing utensils.
• Journal: My current one, purple and blue with a dragon. Peter Pauper Press, of course.
• Shoes: Jelly-style, sparkly black flats. I want them in all colors.
• Nap Spot: My armchair with my legs over the arm.
• Bath Accessory: a sparkly, colorful bath bomb with a ring inside.
• Song: "A Million Dreams" from The Greatest Showman.

Become What Inspires You.

I saw these words on a mermaid journal and started to think about what inspires me and how (or if) I could become them.

• Pens. The sight of a good pen drives me to writer. I can't really become a pen, but I can write until my fingers are callous and inky. Ink can figuratively move through and from me. 
• Journals. Of course, I see a beautiful blank book, and I want to fill its pages. I guess I can be more black and open to new experiences and delights. I can tell myself the whole truth.
• Mermaids. Mermaids are such fascinating enchanted creatures. I can swim, enjoy water even more, make a point to sparkle every day, and write something from the perspective of a mermaid.
• Fairies. Tiny and glimmering, fairies have been one of my favorites since I was small. They are both delicate and feisty. I can wear light clothes, make sure to welcome my wings when they arrive to lift me out of pain. And again, I'll need as much sparkle as I can find.

Of course, my list could keep going: ballerinas, Mom's crafting and ribbon embroidery, certain movies, good mail, a certain old Victoria's Secret body splash, certain writers...but this is a start.

Restoration: Week 35.

I've read a lot this past week, and that helped to restore some of my confidence in myself as a reader.

Bruce and I caught up on Black Mirror. I love reviving my joy in science fiction and fantasy. We're planning to finish Battlestar next.

Josh and I had two afternoon and a morning together. We mostly napped, but it was restorative for our bond.

I found some restorative Disney-inspired art. Belle and Snow White are my favorites.  I love different interpretations and styles of Disney art. They makes me feel that I'm honoring both my childhood and my adult self. I think I need as much wonder in my life as possible.

I've loved stuffing myself with stories--tiny narrative gems and sparkling brief images. They're like tiny frozen treats (cream puffs and such) from Costco, waiting for me to thaw them.