Stillness & Attention: Week 21.

Day 1: Saturday. Today was a good day. Early this morning, I finished reading Sharon Olds's Satan Says. I later finished my Grande Paperblanks journal and began a Peter Pauper Press Mystic Moon journal. I'm going to start Sharon Olds's The Wellspring. 

We went to the splash pad briefly, but Oliver didn't want to stay. Josh went out to get my car's oil changed and buy more crackers (which seem to be the main part of Oliver's current diet). Josh brought home The Habit! That knocked out my calories for the day, but it was worth it. I was a little disappointed to see that I only lost 1 pound over the past week, but I guess that's pretty normal. It's still progress. That is 7 pounds total in about three weeks. 

I accomplished a few other things. I thought I'd sent out almost all my poems, but I decided to go back through my files to see if I'd missed any. Skipping over any poems I plan to retire, I found 94 poems that I can still send out. Gracious! I have a lot more work to do than I thought! I'm counting that as my writing work for the day. I did my full workout and 30 minutes of yoga. Then, I helped Josh with some preparation for his world lit class that starts next week. 

Day 2: Sunday. Josh helped me send out an early submission this morning--a story to a YA magazine. Files keep getting messed up on my Chromebook. Maybe we'll buy a laptop instead of a dresser; we may need it more. Luckily, Josh was able to fix the problem on his work computer. 

I received an acceptance this morning from the magazine that was the first to publish one of my poems some 14 years ago! This poem is one I wrote when we lived in Monroe about 12 years ago. Like my other May acceptance, it's one I didn't really expect, but I'm pleased. 

We went to the park for about 45 minutes, but Oliver asked to come home again. Maybe he wants a break from the crowd. He's been content to play in the backyard. Josh went to his JFON event. I did my full workout with yoga. When Josh got home, we ordered pizza! I was able to fit one slice of pizza and two garlic knots into my calorie plan. Excellent.

I plan on doing a lot with the three remaining years of my 30s (my birthday is less than a month away). I'll read so many books, send out so many poems, shape my series into a one novel, see so many shows, listen to such great music, write so many poems, see Oliver through middle school, get so many pieces published, read so much poetry, check out so many library books, drain hundreds of pens, fill dozens of journals, meet so many goals, learn so much, take so many perfect naps, find so much to enjoy. 

Day 3: Monday. We had a peaceful morning. I slept until almost 7. Josh got home from the gym and got back in bed. Oliver had ended up in bed with us at some point. While they slept, I got out my pink tape measure. I found that I'd lost a total of 11.5 inches in the past 20 days. That's remarkable, much more impressive than my 7 pounds. 

Oliver slept until 10:45, when he had an accident in our bed. Josh cleaned him up, and we ran laundry all day and remade our bed. Accidents happen most nights; we're still amazed that Oliver is potty-trained (that finally happened when he was eight). 

I received a kind personal rejection from a challenging magazine. The editors said they went back and forth on my poems, especially one of them, and they found much to admire in my work. They invited me to submit again. I definitely will do that next month. Hopefully, I'll have some good work available to send then. Uncanny Magazine rejected Break a Wish last night, so I'm back to the idea of merging the four novellas into one long novel. That will take me a while. I'd like to finish it next year--a lofty goal but possible. I sent 6 poems to a magazine today, so I've sent out over 60 pieces this month, and I have over 150 pieces under consideration. 

I did yoga with Josh and then did my workout. I'll work hard at that this week and see if it makes a difference on the scale.

I read some poems from Sharon Olds's The Wellspring today and read a couple chapters of Winterwood when the boys went to bed. I'm not reading enough, but I'm trying to get back to it. I need to get used to reading throughout the day again without being alone in bed. I used to read a ton on the weekends, so I know I can do it.

We expected a storm all day, but we didn't hear thunder until well after dark.

Day 4: Tuesday. I sent three poems to a themed call from a magazine in the UK...getting a few more of these poems out. I read a few more chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys when Josh took a break from working on his classes. We spent a couple of hours at the splash pad. I didn't read sad poems to Josh; I just felt like talking to him, being next to him. We'll finish the book eventually. 

I have that important meeting tomorrow morning. It came up quickly. OT is rescheduled for Thursday morning. This week with Josh feels like it's moving too quickly. I don't feel prepared to be without him so much. 

I still have to work out, do yoga, and do as much reading as possible, and the day is drawing to a close.

Day 5: Wednesday. I received another acceptance this morning! This was my first time submitting to the journal, and my poem will appear online. This one is a poem I wrote recently. I also sent three poems to a literary magazine. I wish more journals took larger submissions; a few take ten pages at a time.

I had an important meeting today. It went well enough. I won't know the results for at least a few weeks. Meanwhile, I'll stay plenty busy. I think it's a good pursuit, and I think I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.

We spent a couple of hours at the splash pad, and I think we managed to avoid sunburn. I did do my yoga and workout yesterday but not much reading.  

I'm writing with a TUL pen in gunmetal today. TULs only seem to work well in Peter Pauper Press journals; they like the paper. 

Josh finished setting up his world lit course today! Impressive. I love course planning, but it takes me a lot longer.

Day 6: Thursday. Josh took Oliver to a makeup OT session this morning. I had a couple of hours to myself but only managed to read a few poems. I've been having racing thoughts. It's exhausting, and it makes focus almost impossible. 

BENU has a new fountain pen coming out--it's glitter green with tiny shamrocks! I'd love to get it for Christmas, but it will sell out quickly when it comes out in July. 

I'm astonished at how quickly this month has passed. I've accomplished relatively little. I did read a day of the Bible yesterday. It's still repetitive doom from the prophets. It's doesn't seem like healthy reading. 

I wrote a thank you note to the person I met with yesterday. I sent five good poems to a challenging journal I've never approached. I've now sent out over 70 pieces this month. I did my workout and yoga and read a chapter of Lost in a Book to the boys. 

Day 7: Friday. Just five days are left in this month. What can I do with those days? I want to finish at least two more books to get to a total of ten for the month. I also need to get my June planner ready. 

I've been working on laundry today. Last night, Josh encouraged me to read before I went to sleep, and I enjoyed two chapters of Winterwood. Today, I've read three days of the Bible and read a few chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys. I also finished The Wellspring. And I read a good bit of Winterwood; I'm eager to get back to it. 

I'm anxious about money. Josh got contracts for his summer classes but not for his other summer position. We're juggling bills, and Josh's grad school loans will come due again in August. I hope we'll make enough from selling the car to cover one of our larger past-due bills. Mom is planning to keep Oliver Sunday and Monday night, so we'll get to take care of the car and have a little time alone. We haven't had that in a few months. 

Bruce and I went to Barnes again. I'd done my workout and done yoga with Josh, so I had enough calories left for coffee. We walked around talking about books and thinking about which ones we may choose for our birthday. I'm looking forward to that. We have no trouble spending two and a half or three hours in a bookstore. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 20.

Day 1: Saturday. I've lost a total of 6 pounds! That's a lot more than I expected this early! I'm not in the best mood however. Josh will be gone for a JFON event for a good bit of the day, and Oliver is starting to have a meltdown over wanting to go to the park. Just when I was starting to think I might be able to take Oliver out again by myself, he ran away from Josh full tilt at the park. Josh only caught him because he's a runner. I'm not taking that risk on my own. 

It's May 14, and I've only read one book this month! Gracious. I don't have a good excuse. 

All right, I finished Anthony S. Abbott's New and Selected Poems, and I'm working on A Vow So Bold and Deadly. The sun is shining, and something smells like vanilla ice cream. Oliver has spent a lot of time outside. 

I sent some poems that don't really fit anywhere to a more approachable market. I don't have any expectations. As usual, I feel like I'll never see another acceptance. 

Day 2: Sunday. I wrote a poem! It's called "Bottomless Pit." I know where I'll probably send it in a couple of days if I feel good about it. I sent it to Josh and Bruce. Josh said it's among his top five of mine!

Last night, I read about one-third of Sharon Olds's The Gold Cell aloud to Josh. He was awake for most of the poems. Her work is far from cheerful, but it's so good. I slept in until 8:30--the latest I've slept in a long time. 

I'm craving Papa John's thin crust sausage pizza and garlic knots. 550 calories for one slice and two knots. Hmm. Mmm. 

We went to the splash pad for a while today. It was hot. I noticed a sexy young mother--thin, toned, tan, and tattooed. I'm not sure if I can end up thin and toned again, but I'm trying. I'm not interested in being tan. Josh would love for me to be tattooed, but that's not for me. 

I sent out four more poems, not my best. But almost all my poetry is out. I hope I will write more poems this coming week. It's a great feeling.

Day 3: Monday. I'm stressed about money today. I'm feeling overwhelmed--money, summer, Josh's summer work, the cars. 

I took a short nap and felt a little better about the world afterward. Josh did get the summer position though paperwork is pending. It is probably going to be full time, in fact. That would help us a lot with financial concerns. I'll miss him terribly. But summer was always going to be tough. Maybe it will be a good time though. Maybe Josh will really like this job. 

I prepared a postal submission to put in the mail today. The magazine isn't on duotrope, so I'll have to rely on my own records. I'm writing with an Ooly Oh My Glitter Pen in green today. I love it. 

I finished The Gold Cell. Sharon Olds writes a lot about sex with her then-husband in her earlier books. It's painful to know how that marriage will end, having read Stag's Leap. I look forward to seeing what she writes about after that.

Day 4: Tuesday. This is the second-to-last full day of school for Oliver. When the boys left for school and work, I got back into bed with A Vow So Bold and Deadly and finished it. I really enjoyed the Cursebreaker series. I'm not sure who was my favorite character...probably Grey or Lia Mara. I also liked Nolla Verin. I'd read more books about them. A Vow came out in late 2020, so Kemmerer finished it during the first year of the pandemic. The art that came out of that period is so interesting. I'm still glad I read Together in a Sudden Strangeness. 

Josh asked me to come up with a list of about twenty books of contemporary poetry that the FTCC library should order, mostly by women and minority writers. I included T in a SS. That was such a fun little project! I got to go back through the 200+ books of poetry I've read (which doesn't seem like nearly enough for me at my age, but I'm making progress!). And the library ordered all the books!

I sent out poems to a magazine that has published my work twice. The editor recently rejected another submission, so I sent some better work, including a pretty new poem that I like. 

I wore makeup (more than eye sparkle and lip gloss) for the first time in a few days. I wore a teal T-shirt dress, a snowflake necklace (it's always snowflake season for me), and green glitter shoes to pick up Oliver and take him to OT. I got to listen to a lot of The Fixed Stars in the car. It's an unsettling read and it involves transformation in a person and in a marriage, but it's absorbing. OT and the driving were tiring but not too bad. 

I finished reading An Acceptable Time to the boys, which means we've finished The Time Quintet! That's one of my 40 before 40 goals! That also means that I finished TWO books today! Now, I'm getting back on track. 

Day 5: Wednesday. Josh helped me figure out how to play my audio book on his Xbox since I won't be spending much time in the car this summer. So I curled up in the corner of the couch and finished The Fixed Stars. I was a little surprised and bummed when it ended. MW said that she found some freedom in giving up a little hope. I sort of understood that. 

Josh went to Donuts for Dads at Oliver's school today, and it went well! This morning, he said I looked "gorgeous" and "radiant" when he came home from the gym. I won't soon forget that. 

I feel a space in my chest, aching for filling. I don't know what I need. Probably just attention. I'll try to stuff the space with poetry. 

I realized that the YA graphic novel Heartstopper is due today (I couldn't renew it as someone has placed a hold), so I lay down and read the whole book. It was sweet and simple. I may read more of the series. I took five books back to the library, but I still have three that are late. But I've now read five books this week (amazing), seven books this month (pretty good), and 68 books this year (awesome--more than I've read a lot of complete years). 

I didn't work out yesterday; I didn't feel great physically. But today, I did yoga with Josh as soon as he got home, and I did all my other exercising earlier. 

I began reading Lost in a Book, a young readers Beauty and the Beast novel, to the boys tonight. Josh seemed excited about starting a new book. As the summer begins, I'm going to read Oz 8 to Oliver while Josh is working. That series is also on my 40 before 40 list...we have a long way to go. 

Day 6: Thursday. Josh took today off. It was a long day. We all put on shorts and sunscreen, and Josh and I explained to Oliver that we were "all going to school together to play with school water." Even with this repeated preparation, Oliver expected us to end up at the splash pad. He kept saying he wanted to go home. Admittedly, the playground at school wasn't very exciting with a few teachers and kids and a couple of hoses. But once the rest of the kids, teachers, and parents; the inflatable pool; and the sprinkler showed up; he changed his mind. Josh even got wet. We watched Oliver run around, watch everyone play, and get in and out of the water for about an hour and a half. Then, though the boys refused to eat, I enjoyed a hot dog, Fritos, and a Dr. Pepper before we left early, and I logged it all on MyFitnessPal. I did my yoga and workout later. 

Josh went to the grocery store. We won't be able to go together this summer, which is a bummer. I can't really imagine taking Oliver to a grocery store. Maybe we'll do it someday. After Josh got home and we put everything away, he went back out to get a diagnostic on his car before the state inspection. We'd been dreading this. It turned out that getting his car to pass inspection would cost $1,000, money that we don't have. So we'll have to sell Josh's car. My mom mentioned possibly keeping Oliver next weekend. If she does, we can go to CarMax and take care of that. Otherwise, I'm not sure how we'll do it. I'm not excited about having only one car, but we've made it work before. The only good news is that that leaves us with a little more money than I expected to get us through the rest of the month. 

I read some of the Bible, poems from Satan Says (Sharon Olds's first book), the prologue to the YA fantasy novel Winterwood, and then a couple of chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys. I ended the night with a lot more Sharon Olds. 

Day 7: Friday. Josh took Oliver to school at 8 and spent a little time with me while I got ready for the awards ceremony at 9. With thirty kids with varying levels of autism stuck in one room for 45 minutes, I expected some chaos, but none really came. Oliver listened to his teacher and sat still even when he saw us come in all dressed up. He sat with us after he received his award for "Most Improved" in his class. It was a nice little closing event. Josh thanked me for finding the school and figuring it all out. Oliver clearly feels good there. 

Josh brought us home and then went to work. Oliver and I hung out. I tried Green Giant broccoli cheddar tots, which are officially okay. It's been a hungry day. Josh's world lit class is running after all, so he has a lot of prep to do. 

Good news: I found out that I'm going to have an important meeting on Wednesday morning...an opportunity that I've been hoping to get. We'll see how it goes! I'm glad I have a suit that fits! It's spring green, and I'll wear it with a violet floral blouse. But what shoes? 

Better news: Josh got to come home early! He cleaned and I put away laundry for about an hour, and then we did yoga together. 

The best news of the day is that Josh will be home next week! I thought he would have admin days through the end of the month, but I was wrong! He will be home until his summer contract begins, and we don't know when that will be. The kick-off meeting for the program is June 2, so maybe not until then!

Bruce and I met at 2nd and Charles and browsed books and bizarre merch for a couple of hours. We have great fun at bookstores. When I left home, I found that Josh had backed my car into its space. He's always trying to find ways to make my life easier. And when I came home, he was waiting for me at the front door--a happy close to the day.

Stillness & Attention: Week 19.

Day 1: Saturday. My computer is working again! Thank goodness. It's a Chrome Book that I really like. The only part I really don't like is that I can only open one document at a time, which makes editing and preparing submissions difficult. But I'll use it as long as I can because we definitely can't afford a new laptop. 

Oliver kindly slept through the night, so Josh and I got to wake up together and chat in bed. I sent out those five poems I meant to send yesterday. I've sent 20 pieces this month, and I have 113 pieces out total. Yesterday, a postal submission response came in--an acceptance! A poem about my working at Borders will be published in Blue Collar Review, which has published four other poems of mine, a couple last year and a couple many years ago--three about working in bookstores and one about waiting tables. It's not an incredibly exciting acceptance, but I'm quite pleased. I was hoping for an acceptance this month. That bumps up my acceptance rate a little; it's now 7.6%. I'd like to get to 10%. We'll see. I'm researching more markets. It's time consuming. 

Bruce and I went to DPAC to see My Fair Lady. It was quite good. I saved calories for our customary soft pretzel and peanut M&Ms. As usual, we sang show tunes in the car. 

Day 2: Sunday. Mother's Day. Josh wanted to go get me a burger today, but I hadn't budgeted the calories for it. I did have some delicious Chedda Believe It Moon Cheese. I continue to drink soda occasionally for the happy ritual of it even though it doesn't taste right. 

Oddly enough, Olive did not ask to go to the park today, so we got a break from that. It was a good day for such a break because it was cold. I sent out a submission of four poems and continued planning out future submissions. I received a rejection with an invitation to submit again, which is always encouraging. My plans are messy, but duotrope keeps my records neat and organized. 

I worked on most of my habits today. I read An Acceptable Time to the boys. I read a day of the Bible; I'm still behind but making progress again. I read some more ASA poems. I read quite a bit of A Vow So Bold and Deadly, which I'm still really enjoying. I read my minimum of 75 pages for the day. And I scribbled five pages in my huge journal. I also did my exercises, weights, and a little yoga. 

Josh doesn't have therapy tomorrow, so I get to have the whole morning with him! Bruce finished reading my book, so I'll work on editing tomorrow. I should be able to submit the book soon! Overall, I'm quite behind on reading--I've only finished one book this month! But I think I can catch up next week. I have some books due on Saturday, so I'll do my best. I need that stillness and attention.

Day 3: Monday. My car needs an oil change, and Josh's needs an inspection and probable repairs. We've been having trouble since those surprise taxes, so my mom lent us some money to take care of the cars. That's a relief. We should hear this week about the summer position for which Josh applied. If he gets it, we'll be in better shape but not until the end of July. Part-time pay at community colleges is badly delayed. 

I told my grandparents that we'd no longer need their support after next month. That's probably not true, but we won't need it for Oliver's school as it looks almost certain that we'll receive a disabilities grant for his tuition and (hopefully) his fees. We are enormously blessed in that, and getting that was a great deal of work! It is one of accomplishments of which I'm most proud. In a couple of months, we'll pay off Josh's hospital expenses from last year, so that will be one bill gone. Since I didn't have any cavities this time (a miracle with my teeth--thank God Oliver got Josh's strong teeth!), maybe we can pay off my old dental work before I need new work! And we're close to paying off Josh's undergrad loans though I doubt we can pay them off before we go back to paying off his grad loans. Come on, Biden; give us some help. 

We have no savings and a lot of debt. I'm doing the best I can with it. My disability pay isn't much, but it's more than I could make teaching part time. I don't think we could both teach full time and take proper care of Oliver, especially since he has so many days off and such long summers. I don't know how people do it, especially with a child (or children) with special needs. Josh has a great job and works hard, and I'm doing the NoBuy year. We'll continue to reassess. 

But in better news, Josh and I spent the morning together. We did yoga, rested, and talked. I'm cherishing these last hours we have alone together. When we're resting, I often look at this collage by the bed.

I got a little grumpy and down later in the day, but Bruce had finished proofreading my book, so I got to work on that. He caught several silly typos, a few confusing bits, and a repeating dialogue formatting error. I fixed it all, and then I created a new cover letter and sent the book to the magazine that is taking submissions of fantasy novellas! It's a long shot, but it's a special possibility. I feel great knowing my first fiction book is out there and someone I don't know may read it. I've workshopped parts of it, but no one but Josh, Mom, and Bruce has read the whole book. No one has asked to read it.

Day 4: Tuesday. I spent most of the morning scribbling, trying to get my pages in. Josh and I spent some time together in the afternoon. Tomorrow, we'll have our last stretch of time alone. I will miss that time terribly. Josh took Oliver to OT. I really appreciate his doing that. I'll take Oliver for the next couple of weeks as Josh will have long days. Josh brought home a quarter pounder--I had budgeted the calories, and it was delicious. I sent a piece of flash fiction to a magazine. Josh and I sat out in the sunlight on the back steps for a good while and talked. He was about as open with me as he's ever been.

Day 5: I finished my journaling yesterday, and I had great intentions to read a lot after the boys went to bed, but that's not what happened. I lay down and fell fast asleep around 7:30. I slept for 11 hours and 30 minutes. I woke up relaxed just before 7 a.m. as Josh was taking a shower after getting home from the gym. I showered, put on some comfortable clothes, and spread white sparkle on my eyelids. We took Oliver to school and then went to Lowe's for a shower knob (ours had cracked) and a cheap leaf blower for the back yard. ]Then, we got groceries. That was expensive as always. Our chickpea pasta arrived in the mail, so I plan to cook with it this week and see what we think of it. I read a few poems from The Art of Losing to Josh in the car. I'd like to finish the book this week. Next, we're going to read Bittersweet, a nonfiction book on the positive aspects of being melancholy. 

Back at home, we cuddled and rested. I wrote a little while he napped. Either my general fatigue has faded, or my body was satisfied with the amazing sleep I got last night. We did yoga and ate lunch together. Josh went to work, and I wrote a little more before going to the library to pick up a couple of holds, including yet another Sharon Olds book (I thought I had them all!). I picked up Oliver from school and dropped off a great many snack bags of chips for one of their end-of-the-year celebrations next week. Josh went to Party City after work and bought glow sticks for another school celebration. He's taken time off for some of those events next week. 

I sent five poems to a magazine I'm determined to infiltrate. The editor recently sent me a rejection but invited me to submit again, so I did so today, the first day of a new submission period. He will get used to seeing my name. 

Oliver does not like Josh's leaving the house, especially through the back door. Josh wanted to work on the yard this afternoon, so I prepared Oliver for hours in advance: "Later, Daddy is going to go in the back yard alone with the weed eater and the leaf blower and clean up the yard. You and I will stay inside. It will be loud. It will take a little while, and then, Daddy will come back inside." I told him this three times. When Josh was ready, he left through the front door (less traumatic) and walked around to the back yard. Oliver watched from the sliding door, and he did just fine. His receptive language (what he understands) seems to be a lot more advanced than his expressive language (what he says), and he really handles things pretty well if we prepare him well. We were worried about how Josh would take care of the yard this summer (he usually does it while Oliver is at school), but it seems like that will be fine. 

I've done all my exercises today except for squats, which I've added to my daily routine this week. I think I'm getting some muscle in my arms. I've started doing at least a little yoga almost every day. I've stayed under my calorie goal (sometimes too far under) for a couple of weeks now. I'm 2 pounds down, and I'll weigh again this weekend. I'm hoping that I'll have to make an exception to my NoBuy to get a pair of smaller jeans before the year ends. 

Day 6: Thursday. I received a form rejection for a story, so I sent out another story to another magazine. I still have 123 pieces pending. Who knows?

I had the day to myself, but I was in an odd mood. I made pasta salad with the chickpea pasta; it turned out fine. I journaled. I napped a little in the gloomy day. I listened to Corinne Bailey Rae as I got ready. I didn't feel like putting on makeup (shock), so I just applied some glitter and some red Fresh Sugar Icon lip gloss. I listened to The Fixed Stars in the car and picked up Oliver. When Josh got home, I read some of An Acceptable Time to the boys. We only have 50 pages left. Maybe we can finish it this week. 

Day 7: Friday. Today was a bit more productive. I did my journaling, napped for an hour, and did laundry and housework. I wore lavender jeans, a light pink ruffled tank top with a tiny black heart print, baby pink glitter shoes, and princess (crown and scepter) earrings. Again, I didn't feel like putting on makeup, so I just wore some Urban Decay pink and gold highlighter on my eyelids and some Fresh Sugar Bloom lip shimmer. That may become my general summer look.

The afternoon brought a little sunshine. I wanted to soak it all up. I've been a little sick to my stomach, so I'm not eating much. Tomorrow, if I remember, I'll weigh myself and see if I've lost any weight this week. I just hope I haven't gained--though that seems impossible. But I could be building muscle more quickly than I'm burning fat. I'm looking forward to having a new middle number, but that's a ways off. 

Oliver had a good day at school. His teacher sent home all his school stuff, so they really are done with academics. Next week is all fun. Josh got home earlier than I expected today, and we sat on the back steps together in unexpected sunlight.

Josh and I are making plans to go to Asheville in August for a half marathon. We're going to try to make a romantic weekend of it. It will be our first trip since New York and likely our only trip this year. I want Josh to have something to look forward to and work toward, and I want something to look forward to as well. I found a condo in downtown Asheville; we could walk to the race. I see myself lounging at the condo or browsing in shops and then waiting for Josh at the finish line. The race is in the morning, so we'll have the rest of the day to rest and explore. By then, we will have gotten summer pay for Josh's class and/or new position, so we'll be able to enjoy some good food, and we won't have to worry too much about gas. We haven't been to Asheville together since we were dating. 

All the days of May have been good overall: joyful or passionate on my mood tracker. I hope that continues.

Stillness & Attention: Week 18.

Day 1: Today was another great day. Josh and I woke up before Oliver did, so we spent a little time together, and then, he played video games in bed next to me while I went back to sleep for a bit--a relaxed start. While Josh went through morning routines with Oliver, I prepared and sent a fiction submission. I'm trying some more approachable markets with my fiction. My fiction definitely isn't as advanced as my poetry; I simply haven't written nearly as much fiction. With that, I've sent out 100 pieces this month. 

Josh left to run a 5k at the college. I finished reading A Fortune for Your Disaster. Later, we went to the park for about three hours. I started reading The Art of Losing: Poems of Grief and Healing aloud to Josh. I haven't read poetry aloud since I taught Intro to Lit. In the evening, Josh and I put away three big loads of laundry together.

I finished setting up my May planner today, so I'm ready to start a new month tomorrow. I hope to get back in steps with all my good habits. Bummer--my crown came out while I was flossing, and I can't do anything about it this weekend.

Day 2: Last night, I had trouble going to sleep. So I got in the bath and finished reading Snow White and Rose Red. That's two books in one day. That brought me to 14 books for April, which is pretty good though it's one fewer than I planned. Strep really derailed me. 

I slept quite poorly last night, and I gave up around 4 a.m. Josh came downstairs later, and we cuddled on the couch. I fell asleep in his lap. When Oliver got up, I went back to sleep on the couch while he and Josh went to McDonalds for their weekend hashbrown date. I moved to my chair, planning to get some work done, but ended up sleeping again. I think I've caught up on my sleep. 

Oliver started to get a little freaky for some reason, so we decided to go to the park. We were there for almost three hours again. Oliver discovered that the splash pad had opened, so we spent part of the time there. Josh cuddled and kissed me as we sat on a towel together. I love his PDAs. I read more of The Art of Losing to him, and some of the poems were a real bummer. I'm reading it to him because we've been talking about processing grief. We're about one-third of the way through the book already. We managed to get Oliver to leave the park by offering fries. I got a quarter pounder, and amazingly, I still have 100 calories left for today. 

When we got home, I edited an old story called "Doorknobs" and submitted it to a magazine. That's my first submission of May. I hope to get a lot more done today even though I slept so much!

Day 3: Monday. Another good day. In the morning, I read several poems from Sharon Olds's One Secret Thing. She has become one of my favorite poets. After Josh took Oliver to school, we snuggled until it was time for his interview for this summer position he applied for. It was a long and fancy interview; we should know next week. If he gets the position, we can pay off some bills (and maybe get that dresser?). If he doesn't, Oliver and I will have more time with him this summer.

We did yoga together and watched another episode of Documentary Now, a hilarious one about recording a Broadway show album. I recognized Renee Elise Goldsberry. She's amazing.

I wore a pink sparkle tank top, jeans, emerald rhinestone sneakers, my jewelry box necklaces, and Huda Rose Quartz eye shadow to the dentist. They love to see my shoes. 

I wrote today with a Slicci metallic pink pen--such a luxury. Sliccis are normally absurdly expensive, but I got some on mega sale at the end of last year.

I spent some time on Olga Dies Dreaming and A Vow So Bold and Deadly, both of which I'm really enjoying. I have a few books due on May 14, so I need to get reading. I sent three poems to a magazine this afternoon. I really didn't get down-hearted today like I often do on Mondays. Bruce sent me a little love note, so that helped. 

Day 4: Tuesday. I went for a walk today and spent a little time with Josh. I've been staying under my calorie goal and doing weights, the ab series, and other exercises each day. We'll see what happens.  

I sent a ten-poem submission to a magazine! I still have over 100 pieces out. I received two form rejections within about ten minutes. Great. I'm hoping May will bring some good writing news. I'm scribbling with a Gelly Roll lime metallic pen that Leah sent me--it's one of my favorites.

My smart watch (my Mother's Day present) arrived! Now I can track my activity, sleep, and (very fast) heart rate. I have the same one Josh has. 

I got all my daily and weekly habits today, which is rare. I read to Josh from One Secret Thing, which I finished this evening. He was pretty impressed with Sharon Olds too. I have two more of her books in the study and one waiting at the library. I plan to read all her books. Another comes out later this year. 

Day 5: Wednesday. This is teacher appreciation week, so we wrote thank you notes (pink, gold, and glittery, of course) to Oliver's teachers, and Josh got them Barnes gift cards. The school is having a little breakfast on Friday for Mother's Day. Oliver will not like my coming into the school with him; he'll probably want to leave. So I may be bringing him back with me. I'll try to explain to him what's going to happen. 

Josh took Oliver to school this morning, and then we got in bed, and I slept for an hour! I don't know why I've been able to sleep more lately. Maybe it's because I'm exercising more. In any case, it was nice. We did yoga, and I got ready. I wore jean shorts (Kut from the Kloth), a blue cold-shoulder top (it's still cute), and Moondust eyeshadow with Kate Spade/Keds baby blue glitter shoes. 

We went to Target for printer ink and a new pillow. Josh got me The Habit, which was delicious and will take up most of my calories for the day. We got groceries, which was again absurdly expensive. When Josh left for work, I didn't have much time before I went to pick up Oliver. And what did I do? I slept. Yes. It's bizarre. 

I enjoyed listening to The Fixed Stars in the car while I got Oliver. I'm not sure how much I'd like it as a regular book, but I like the narrator. 

Day 6: Thursday. Last night, I did some more exercising and yoga to get down to my calorie goal for the day. I had big plans to read and scribble after Oliver went to bed, and I had stories to read for the magazine. But what did I do? I fell asleep. Without meds. I did realize that my Ritalin from yesterday morning was still in the pill box, so that's at least part of why I slept so much yesterday. I wasn't depressed--just sleepy. 

I went back to the dentist today for a cleaning, and I had a clear exam! This is the first time that's happened in years. I have terrible dry mouth and just terrible teeth, so I was very pleased. Maybe I can pay off the old work before I have to get new work. The electric toothbrush, prescription toothpaste, and fluoride treatments must be helping. 

Back at home, I started reading Anthony S. Abbott's New and Selected Poems. I read his The Girl in a Yellow Raincoat while I was in grad school. Josh had his last meetings with two of his classes and was able to come home early, so we had some time together. He had found time to proofread my book, so I've made corrections. Bruce is proofreading too, so the book should be ready for submission. The deadline is May 15. 

I've felt a little sick today but not depressed. Since I had strep, I haven't been able to taste soda normally. It tastes flat. This is very unpleasant because you know how much I love Dr. Pepper. I guess it's helping me save calories and avoid cavities. I haven't accomplished much besides working a little on my book, reading some poems, and doing some weights, leg lifts, and the ab series. I'd like to get a lot more reading done today. I'm still reading An Acceptable Time to the boys. We're almost two-thirds of the way through it. 

I'll go to the library tomorrow before I pick up Oliver. I have three books to return and several to pick up, including (I think) all of Sharon Olds's books! I'm going to binge on them. 

Day 7: Friday. The little Mother's Day party went fine. I wore a navy maxi dress over a baby pink tank top with baby pink glitter shoes, a pink and gold key necklace, and Colour Pop Flutterby pink glitter eye shadow. I explained to Oliver what was happening, and he seemed to accept it if not totally understand it. The fellowship hall was swathed in pink silk. I ate the top of  a chocolate chip muffin and chatted with the teachers. Every seems to know and love Oliver. I got him to sing "Snuggle Puppy" for his teacher. I hope she stays at the school. I wonder who his teachers will be next year. 

I got home and spent a little time with Josh. When he left for work, I went to the library. I picked up Anatomy: A Love Story, a book I requested, and eight holds. I got The Awakened Brain, which I don't remember holding; the Definitive Edition of Anne Frank's Diary (I've read the typical edition; I think everyone should read her diary); Sleepless, a thriller I noticed at Barnes; and what I believe are the remaining five Sharon Olds poetry collections. Excellent. I have about a week to finish and return four books...oh boy. I've been so sleepy lately that I haven't been reading enough. I think it's because of my new medication. Hopefully, the side effects will wear off soon. When I got home from the library, I took a nap. 

Josh was able to come home a little early after a couple of final classes. We got to cuddle. Later, I worked on laundry, scribbled my five pages in my huge journal, and worked out until I was under my calories for the day. That's ten days in a row! My computer shut down suddenly in the middle of a submission and won't turn on though it's on the charger. If it's broken, I don't know how I'll send submissions, work on my book, or update my blog. I'll check on it tomorrow. I may be spending a lot more time at the library. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 17.

Day 1: I am very sick today. My senses of smell and taste are still gone. I caught a hint of Cherry Merlot hand soap and thought they were back. But that only lasted for a second. I'm not eating much because I can't taste anything. I muscled through a cup of brown rice for dinner. I'm still testing negative for COVID. 

I haven't been able to read, but I did scribble five pages in my journal today. I wanted to finish my current journal this week, but that's not going to happen.  Josh is doing a little better. I rested in bed (but couldn't sleep) while he took Oliver to the park. I feel like I'm just trying to exist. Amazingly, I'm not depressed--just exhausted and ill. I haven't made progress with anything. But Josh and I did do some yoga. I'm ending the day with Ambien and melatonin. 

Day 2: Sunday. I was going to wash my hands, put on a mask, and go to the library today to return books and pick up holds, but it's closed for the Dogwood Festival. I tested negative for COVID again; surely, it would have shown up by now. I catch momentary sensory details--a hint of lilac body spray, a tiny echo-taste of tomato. But smell and taste are still mostly gone. I've started taking Mucinex, and I'm coughing a little. 

My guess is that I have strep and a sinus infection. I'm still congested and a little out of it, but I feel much better than I did yesterday. Hopefully, the antibiotics are doing their work and getting me over this. I'm going to try to get back to my normal pursuits though they seem overwhelming. I'm starting Olga Dies Dreaming by Xochitl Gonzalez. I don't remember the recommendation that led me to the book, so I have no idea what to expect. 

I also don't know what to expect of next week. I haven't heard from Oliver's school about whether or not it will be in person. Josh has therapy and a longish stretch of work tomorrow. 

Oliver had a mini meltdown at the park. We had to navigate taking him to a restroom as the rec center was closed. Sundays are complicated because of that. 

Day 3: Oliver did go back to school, and Josh and I spent some time together this morning. We did yoga again. I look forward to it now. I prepared a submission, but the submission form wasn't working, so I'll have to try that again later. I think I'm mostly past being sick. I've been neglecting most of my habits and goals while sick, so I hope to get back to normal this week. I did go to the library and pick up some holds. I accidentally held an audio book instead of a paperback, so I may try to listen to that in the car.

Day 4: I took a walk in my neighborhood this morning while listening to the original Broadway cast recording of Tootsie. I worked with 5-pound weights, which I'm trying to do most days. I'm sore from doing weighted side bends a couple of days ago. Josh and I got to spend some time together this afternoon. We picked up Oliver together and took him to OT, but he became very upset and wanted to go home. He's fine now; I don't know what that was about, but it was his second mini meltdown in three days. That is unsettling.

A storm is rolling in. I'll have to turn on the lamps early. I'm glad to be at home with my family. Tomorrow, Josh and I will get groceries and spend the morning together. Oliver only has 3 1/2 weeks of school left. Summer will be very different for us. I just hope Josh and I find time to spend together. Spring break was a bit of a trial run, but strep complicated it. 

Day 5: Groceries are expensive. But we won't have to buy much next week. I got soy sauce and lots of vegetables to make veggie fried rice this week. I've decided to make a real effort to lose weight. I restarted my MyFitnessPal account. 1,200 calories a day seems absurd, but I'm trying for it. Josh and I did yoga again, and I did weights and the ab series I learned in my college ballet class. 

I finished a journal today and started my beautiful Paperblanks Poetry in Bloom Grande journal. 

I went back to the library to pick up a stray hold: Smoke, poems by Dorianne Laux. I also got a couple of graphic novels and checked out The Only Good Indians again as I didn't get to it last time. The library employee said she had just read it. I told her I had read My Heart Is a Chainsaw, which was crazy and crazy good. 

Day 6: I had a stretch of time alone this morning, and I stayed busy. I finally got back to reading my Daily Bible, and I read many poems from A Fortune for Your Disaster aloud. I did some scribbling in my big journal. I made fried brown rice with riced cauliflower, broccoli, sugar snap peas, sweet peas, corn, baby corn, carrots, and red peppers. It turned out well. I did weights and the ab series. I organized stickers and used them to decorate a top-spiral journal. Then, I went for a 1.25-mile walk near home while listening to the original cast recording of Starlight Express. Josh was able to come home early, so we had a little time together before he picked up Oliver from school. 

This afternoon, I finally sent a submission. I sent formal poems that I wrote way back as an undergrad. I've received two rejections in the last couple of days. Despite illness and subsequent falling off track, I've sent out 93 pieces this month. I still have a lot of poems and a few stories to send. I'll return to sending a submission each day. I was doing so well with all my habits, and now, I wonder how I kept up with everything! But I'll get back on track. 

I need to reestablish good habits while Oliver is still in school because keeping up in summer will be tougher. The hardest times will be the last couple weeks of May, when Josh will have long admin days. Oliver gets out of school on May 20, so it'll just be us at home. Josh may have fairly heavy summer work too; we should find out about that soon. 

But Josh is taking tomorrow off, so we'll have the whole school day alone together! I'm so excited about that. We'll probably mostly stay in bed--he'll nap, and hopefully, I'll read and do writing work. I do kind of wish I could nap during the day when I want to. Sometimes I can rest happily for a while. 

I found a possible market for my book! It's kind of a hard sell as a YA fantasy novella, but I want to give this market a shot. So I'll be polishing the book over the next couple of weeks. 

Day 7: This was a great day. Josh and I spent the whole school day together. We did yoga and watched two episodes of Documentary Now. We don't often watch shows together. Josh took a nap, and I rested and actually slept for about twenty minutes! We talked a lot and didn't really accomplish anything, which was nice. 

In the evening, I went to Barnes with Bruce. We walked around for over two hours, looking at books and talking about what we'd like to read. I checked the library for some books. We talked about books we may read together. I saw so many great new journals! I need a big ol' Barnes gift card. I'd saved calories for a grande caramel macchiato. 

I had the idea that for our birthday celebration and gifts (our birthdays are June 15 and June 17), Bruce and I could go to Barnes again and buy books we want to read together! We've read over forty books together though not lately. I'd love to get back to that. 

When I got home, Josh was waiting for me.