Nourish/Challenge: Week 17.

I had a great week last week. I'll soon tell you all about my trip with Mom.

Bruce and I finished reading Dear Evan Hansen, which we both liked. We're starting a book I chose, A House at the Bottom of a Lake, by the author who wrote Bird Box, which we both loved. I've begun reading The Strange and Beautiful Sorrows of Ava Lavender, which, so far, is about a girl born with wings.

I want to read Libba Bray's Great and Terrible Beauty YA series. Melissa gave me two of the books, and I bought a used copy of the last.

So I have a lot of reading challenges. But books are often fulfilling too.

And Bruce and I watched The Silence together. Stanley Tucci! Not a boring moment.

And I forgot to write about Anastasia, the show Bruce and I attended before my trip. The music was lovely, and the costumes were so sparkly. I'm so grateful that we get to see a show almost every month. It pries open my hard.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 16.

Last week, Bruce and I went for a morning walk on Monday after I dropped off Oliver at school. It's our new routine. The movement and the talking are good.

I ordered Ben Platt's solo album, Sing to Me Instead. I'm liking it more and more. Trying to connect with each song on an album is difficult, but I'm getting there. Most of the songs are soothing.

Miss K (Oliver's OT) told us that she is pregnant! She assured us that she would be back. I was so happy for her that I said, "Can I give you a hug?" So we hugged. Overwhelming happiness like that does not come to me often. And when it does, it usually flies in on mania. Not this time.

I've been singing so much lately, and Oliver has started singing too! I don't know how he remembers bits of lyrics, but it's adorable, and I'm sure it's good for him.

I've decided to start more manageable daily to-do wish lists instead of giant weekly lists.

I was brave when I agreed to pick up pizza for Oliver's classroom pre-spring-break party. I struggle with tasks like that.

I was also brave when I drove to Charlotte. Then, we went to Asheville in Mom's truck. Before I left, Oliver had leaned into my hug as though he knew. I'll write another post about the girls' trip. Spoiler: we had a great time.

I found this in my journal: I like a degree of challenge, a chance to be more myself, to change the story.

Favorite Feelings:

• Smooth, heavy paper under my fingertips.
• Josh's hand on my back.
• Good hand cream in the cracked spaces between my fingers.
• Sunlight falling on me through a window.
• The heat and disorienting dance of a fire.
• My legs slung over the armrest of my chair.
• Cold water when I'm parched (which is most of the time).
• The weight of a heavy necklace.
• Closing a book after the last page.
• Chocolate pudding mixed with whipped cream.
• Philadelphia caramel cheesecake cups.
• A thin, soft graphic T-shirt that reminds me of something I love.
• Starting to read a new E-book.
• The crunch of walnuts or pecans in any baked good.
• Drifting into a nap with a timer on.
• The delightful surprise of a sudden gift.
• Biting into a milk chocolate/white chocolate Lindt Lindor Truffle. I need a case because the flavor is limited edition! Just the sight of that pink foil wrapper with red and white hearts makes me happy.
• Falling asleep in sunlight.
• An unexpected letter from a friend.
• Hugging someone special.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 15.

I had mood swings this past week, and holding onto relative stability has been a challenge. For a day or two, getting out of bed was a struggle. I'd lie still with the tower fan blowing on me. Existing seemed to be all I could do.

I was feeling bad on Sunday night, and Josh told me to go for a walk. I didn't want to, but I got my headphones and went. I did feel somewhat better afterward.

But the week had joy too. I told Josh that I thought we should try to be more affectionate because it's good for us and probably good for Oliver. So Josh and I have stayed closer to each other, kissing and hugging more. I start to crave more of that contact.

Bruce and I continued reading Dear Evan Hansen. It's held my attention more than most books lately. I'll be sad when it's over. But I still have a big book about the show to read.

My dearest friend, Keely, sent me a gorgeous card with a pop-up castle inside. She wrote that I was inspiring and that my blog made her believe in magic as an adult. I treasure those words. I'd keep the blog going even if it were just for her.

Next week, the boys have spring break. Mom and I decided (with our guys' support) that we would go on a girls' trip! So on Sunday, I'll drive to Charlotte (by myself...), and we'll go to Asheville. I made hotel reservations, and I'm so excited. This drive will be a challenge, and I'll miss my boys. But the trip will nourish me--beauty, charm, conversation, discovery. The weather is going to be warm enough that I won't have to wear tights with my dresses.

Most nourishing experiences seem to require me to overcome a challenge. I've only been away from Oliver once for one night. Three nights will be tough. But I still think the trip will be wonderful.

Regarding Bruce.

I had been working at the college for about a year and a half when Bruce arrived. My hopes were that he would be competent and that he would stay. I tried to help and encourage him. Bruce and Josh started to E-mail about master's thesis topics. I talked to Bruce more than anyone else at work.

I remember Josh saying, "You need a friend. You need to invest in someone other than me." This sounded like a terrible idea, but I was liking Bruce more and more.

And then, 6 years yesterday, I messaged Bruce to ask if he wanted to carpool with me. I was about an hour drive. Normally, I hate driving, and driving with a passenger makes it quite unsettling. But, astonishingly, I wanted to talk to this guy for two hours a day.

I spilled my guts in E-mails, partly hoping I'd scare Bruce away but also just to be upfront. But he was kind and steadfast. I was often a mess--moody, hyper, hopeless, jealous, needy, combative, and worse.

Now, we can see that some (if not nearly all) of that was undiagnosed bipolar disorder and panic disorder. Bruce stuck with me and encouraged me in my attempts to treat my illness once I had the professionals in place. I'd say that time with Bruce became medically necessary.

We've seen dozens of shows and movies and we've read some 20+ books together. We motivate each other. He's on "the council" with Josh and my mom--I turn to them for guidance and insight. Josh has been fully supportive of the friendship.

Bruce is one of the kindest, most gentle, and most loving people I know. I feel wonderful knowing that I've kept his interest for 6 years.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 14.

This past week, Bruce and I finished our 21st tiny book club pick, The Memory of Light. That's my first young adult book for my spring focus. Reading fiction about mental illness is interesting and strange, as if my story were open to everyone. I guess it is if people take notice.

Bruce and I also had our first early-Monday-morning walk. It was easy, and I loved talking to my friend for an hour. We inspected bugs and flowers.

I had major trouble with reading and writing. I'm trying to get back to daily practice of literacy--one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. But I have to keep giving it to myself.

Josh and I snuggled a lot since he had a few early mornings free.

Bruce took me to see Pet Sematary, which was more daring than I expected.

And Bruce and I began to read the novelization of Dear Evan Hansen. I love it so far.

I also bought Ben Platt's (the original Broadway Evan) newish CD. I'm listening to it song by song in the car. What a talented guy.

And I watched a concert version of the Secret Garden musical, which stars Ramin Karimloo, Sierra Boggess, and Ben Platt! Amazing! I'm hoping for a revival.

My week was mostly full of nourishment. I'll try to challenge myself more this week.

My Current Obsession: Dear Evan Hansen.

Bruce and I saw the 6-Tony-award-winning musical Dear Evan Hansen a few weeks ago. I walked in almost completely blind--that's what we usually do with shows that are unfamiliar to both of us. I feel so lucky that we got to see this show with our season tickets--no insane prices.

Song lyrics and titles sewed their way into my memory, so I knew I would recognize most of them on the album later--and I knew I'd come back to those songs again and again.

The story was beautiful like broken stained glass against the sun. I fell for Evan's ambivalence, his intense need for family and love, and the locked-up love he has without an outlet. I could identify with his sometimes unquenchable loneliness and the skinless-in-the-sand feeling of social anxiety and sensory overload. And I fell for other characters' experience too--the impact of suicidality on a family, the search for connection, the feeling of being haunted, and even the denial and the lies the characters accept because they simply must.

So I fell in love with Dear Evan Hansen. When the show ended, my mind shifted, and I knew this was my second-favorite show (Phantom, of course, is first forever).

Sometimes, a show wears me out, and I'm ready to go home and process it. Not this show. I was totally engaged. When I went home, I traveled to the songs on Spotify, watched online videos of clips and interviews, ordered a hardcover book about the show, and bought the novelization (!), which Bruce and I are starting.

I find myself singing--something I've started doing more often recently. The songs, even the rough ones, cuddle up to me and stay close. I like every song. So that's my in-the-shower and pretty-much-all-the-time music. Josh has let me borrow his big headphones. I'll get my own...pink or purple.

The intensity of my obsession will become more manageable, but as with Phantom, I believe Evan will always press on my heart.

We're letting the obsession continue. It makes me happy even though the rush can be overwhelming. My mom said, "I'm glad you've found a new treasure." Yes.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 13.

This past week had a magical glow.

We went to the college where I used to teach. A professor we shared and loved was giving a reading. He remembered us. And my former colleagues seemed delighted to see me. I got so many hugs. I was worried; going back to the college was a major challenge (being my Rebecca self, feeling self-conscious about my weight, working with my limited social stamina), but it ended up filling me.

I then had two days of barely-out-of-bed depression. Mom said I'd probably spent myself. After that, I went up. I was full of energy, sleeping little, dancing, and singing. Bruce said I was "super-charged."

I finished watching a Netflix series called Maniac. It didn't do a lot for me as a story, but the cast impressed me (Emma Stone and Jonah Hill). Science fiction almost always lights up my brain.

And on Friday, we drove to Charlotte. I was ready to see my mom. I gave her a birthday stack of magazines. That's becoming a tradition.

Oliver ran wild in the fenced backyard. He played with a giant windchime that was hanging from a tree. The weather was mild, and I uncurled a little.

On Saturday, Mom and I went to Anthropologie near her house. It was inspiring as always, and a high window poured sunlight over me. I bought a small pink journal with Joie de Vivre on the cover and a mint-rose lip gloss. When Mama saw the journal, she said, "Yeah, you probably have to have that."

Later, we walked with Oliver to a nearby playground. I need to walk more! Oliver jumped in a shallow creek. I had a weird moment of forgetting what I was telling Mom. That started happening a lot when I started lithium. But this time, I couldn't do anything, and I felt out of control of my hand's making strange gestures.

When we got back, burgers were almost ready along with slightly-spicy crab dip. Mmmm.

Shane and I talked about Dear Evan Hansen. He couldn't find tickets. I fantasize about seeing DEH on Broadway along with Phantom.

James came over for a little while, and we talked about movies. He read a spooky story to me, and I was so impressed by how well he reads aloud.

We left to meet up with Dad and Michelle. Oliver's shoes and socks were wet and filthy, so we stopped at Target for footwear.

We went to Fern, a vegan restaurant. I had slightly spicy macaroni and cheese (I don't know what it was made of) with a large side of garlic broccoli. I'd go back just for the broccoli. Dad ordered me some carrot cake to go.

On the way home, I listened to DEH on Josh's big headphones. And I felt good about the life I was returning to.

The Poet Professor.

Last Monday, the three of us went to the college where I used to teach. Joseph Bathanti, who taught both Josh and me alongside Kay, was giving a reading.

Josh took the day off work, and we took Oliver out of school early. The first time Bathanti came to the college, I was pregnant. He recognized Josh and me! He came again when Oliver was tiny.

This time, he and his wife, Joan, almost walked past us in the library but stopped. He said, "It's you guys!" He talked to Oliver and said, "You must be...seven?" How could he remember so much? We talked about Kay a little, and I almost cried. She and Bathanti were dear friends, so it was a comfort for us to be with someone else who cared so much about her.

Meanwhile, I was getting such a welcome and so many hugs from my former colleagues. My former office mate looked at me as if I were a lovely ghost. Joyce, my former boss, said that they miss me. I looked around, thinking about how happy I often was there before I got too sick.

An administrator hugged me and said, "Are you keeping up with Bruce? You two were buddies. You were best buddies." Something about that was so validating--acknowledgement and acceptance. He even seemed pleased.

The reading was lovely as always. Afterward, we exchanged more hugs, and Bathanti kissed the top of Oliver's head. Joan asked me questions about Oliver's special needs. And I got to see Bruce a little. I left feeling light. No one had forgotten me.