Search This Blog

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

A Bold Reader: Week 30.

This past week was a big win! I finished three books! It just works out that way sometimes.

I finished Slice of Moon by Kim Dower. She's a new favorite; I found inexpensive copies of some of her other books. I finished Best Small Fictions 2017, which was awesome. 50+ pieces of flash fiction! That brought me far along with my goal to read one short story a day for the summer. I'll probably read another volume. And I finished Wildwood Flower by Kay (Kathryn Stripling Byer). I only have two more of her books to read. The remembering that she is gone is hard.

So I began Standing Water by Eleanor Chai. I don't remember how I got this book of poems. And I've started Billy Collins's Horoscopes for the Dead, which I plucked from Josh's office shelf. Billy Collins is almost always soothing to me, and I haven't read anything of his in a long time.

Bruce and I only have nine stories left in The Unreal and the Real by Ursula K. Le Guin. Just a handful!

I'm thinking about reading an Alice Munro story collection next--I think I've only read two. I'll surround myself with books this week.

Friday, July 27, 2018

Curious.

Here are some examples of what lights up my curiosity:
  • What's in other people's makeup bags. What's cheap; what's a splurge? What's the organization, if any? What are the shades? What can I learn?
  • Past writing tools. How could people write novels or even long letters with pen and ink? What did current pens become common?
  • Ancient Egypt. What was education like? What were family relationships like?
  • Other people's diaries. Luckily, plenty are published, so I needn't snoop. But I don't know if I know anyone who keeps a diary regularly. What kinds of concrete details are in the diary, and what do they reveal?
  • Names of flowers and trees.
  • Parasitic twins. Whoa.
  • The relationship between books and the films based on them.
  • The tea-time tradition. I've been to high tea twice, but I'd like to know more.
  • Andrew Lloyd Webber. His memoir awaits me on one of the book stacks in my room.
  • Other people's hallucinations. What do they reveal, if anything?
  • What makes reading difficult for me.
  • Fairy tales. I need to stuff myself with them. So many cultures! So many shades of fantasy!

Thursday, July 26, 2018

The List.

Every week in my journal, I make a massive list of what I need or want to do. The current list has 123 items. I know it's neurotic and weird. But I call it my To-Do Wish List because I don't express to cross off every item. My informal goal is to accomplish half of those small goals. The list helps me shape my days and the landscape of my mind. It gives me motivation and a sense of accomplishment as if someone is taking notice of my efforts. So what's on the list?
  • Reading at least one poem each in each of the three poetry books I'm reading. I check those off every night after my poetry-bubble bath.
  • Responding to prompts in my journal, usually five per week. I make up prompts or find them anywhere and write them on a blank page (or more) to respond to later. Many of these become blog posts.
  • Blogging five times a week.
  • Working on a stack of books. I list the books I've begun and simply try to work on each a little. This doesn't often happen.
  • Using my desk and my chaise lounge. I have these lovely pieces--a white secretary desk that holds notebooks, stationery, pens, ink...and a denim chaise that's good for reading and sticker play.
  • Reading short stories. I'm trying to read one for every day of summer this year, so the numbers are one my list.
  • Finishing books. I include the books I want to finish reading that week.
  • Writing at least two pages a day in my journal, whether the current journal is massive or tiny.
  • Exercise: three times walking, dancing, or swimming and three times floor work--small weights, yoga, ballet...I've not been very good with this.
  • Reading magazines, so Oliver can tear them up (his current obsession/self-soothing activity). It gives me an excuse to sit still with a magazine.
...and much more. Do you keep crazy lists?

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

My Style.

I recently received a free trial from a clothing subscription. The style quizzes and comment boxes made me think about what my style is.

As a teenager, I wore tanks and flare jeans with trainers. Before that, I wore leggings and a Broadway show T-shirts or sweatshirts (my grandfather sent me plenty of shirts).

When I started teaching, I was clueless. I borrowed clothes from Mom, and she helped me put together a small work wardrobe. I remember my first purchases: gray dress pants, a black dress with ruffles at the neck, two black cardigans, and eventually, a statement necklace with faux pearls. I ended up building my style day by day.

Now, I don't wear a lot of my work clothes. Many pieces don't fit, but I try to use the ones that do. My style has shifted, and figuring out how to define that is a challenge. Here's how I tried to define or at least describe my style:
  • I want to sparkle. Glitter, metallic thread, sequins, beading, rhinestones...Seriously, make me shimmer. Everything should glint or glimmer. It's an enchantment that helps me confirm and protect my sense of self.
  • I'm a stay-at-home parent to a child with special needs. I drive a lot, so I have to be comfortable, but I'm also a mental health advocate for my son and myself, so I need to look competent. 
  • I've gained a lot of weight on medication, so I'm building a small wardrobe to use until I lose the weight.
  • I like swing dresses and dresses with empire waists. A-line and flare work for me.
  • I don't wear open-toe shoes. Ever.
  • My favorite colors are purple and green. I also like to wear grays, black, and blush.
  • I go to the theatre about once a month, and I like to dress up for that. I have a fantasy of wearing a different dress to every show.
  • I like Mary Janes.
  • I love cardigans.
  • In pants, I need a curvy, petite fit.
  • I don't like to wear animal prints. 
  • I like long necklaces with cluster pendants.
  • I like statement necklaces (bib) that glitter.
  • I like chandelier earrings. Sparkle!

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

A Bold Reader: Week 29.

Alas, I did not finish any books this past week. But I did read a lot of  poetry and some lengthy Ursula K. Le Guin stories. I'll finish a book or two this coming week.

I near the edge of a reading rut...or just a slump. I struggle to read when I'm with others, but even when I'm alone, reading is difficult every day. I know it will get easier if I stay dedicated; I've gone through the stages before. Reading, like writing, is a practice. Daily. Varied. Challenging.

I'm a little way into several books. I usually latch onto one and finish it. I wish I could read so many books; I'm already feeling the need to be more intentional about my reading choices. A life will only hold so many books.

Monday, July 23, 2018

Restoration: Week 29.

I want to expand my thoughts. I just started a DK Eyewitness book on ancient Egypt, a topic about which I'm curious. That was my favorite unit in my AP Art History class. Leaning something new may soothe my fevered mind or help to repair my brain.

Bruce and I have continued to watch Black Mirror. It's restoring the joy I've always had in science fiction, and it's helping to fill my need for new, strange stories.

I went swimming with the boys. I'm not as strong as I was, but I think I belong with the water.

Restoration is something I need to work toward daily. It's a practice. How can I restore my relationship with myself, my relationships with others, my sense of self?

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Luxury.

I wonder how much people differ in how they define and experience luxury. Here's a sample of luxuries from my perspective:
  • Leaning back in my chaise lounge while looking through an entire giant issue of InStyle from 2014.
  • Wearing four or more rings at once.
  • Sorting books by color.
  • Writing with a pen that has extra cushion.
  • Keeping one blue hydrangea in an Ariel cup on my dresser.
  • Eating brie spread and pita chips.
  • Having painted my nails (I hate the doing!).
  • Wearing Mom's green silk button-down to my poetry reading or wearing her red, lacey cardigan to work at Barnes and Noble on Christmas Eve.
  • Remembering that Mom gifted those two gorgeous pieces to me. 
  • Using a long dessert spoon.
  • Showering only to put on clean pajamas for the rest of the day.
  • Using bath bombs that fill my bath with glitter.
  • Cuddling with Oliver and breathing in his hot-sand scent.
  • Having lunch at Cinderella's castle (done!).
  • Eating Dippin' Dots ice cream.
  • Wearing a light swing dress in a great color like royal blue.
  • Enjoying a mild version of binge watching with Bruce (Currently: The Handmaid's Tale and Black Mirror).
  • Spotting wild violets everywhere as I walk in grass.
  • A big glass of 1% milk in the morning.
  • Ordering room service.
  • Reading for an hour or longer, completely absorbed.
  • Staying up late (past 9:30 p.m.!) with Mom.
  • Wearing a Betsey Johnson statement necklace that Josh gave me for our anniversary.
  • Getting anything happy in the mail.
  • Taking a nap with Josh while Oliver is at ABA.
  • Writing a letter at my white desk.
What feels luxurious to you?

Friday, July 20, 2018

Story Snippet: My Brother on the Stairs.

A couple of years ago, the boys and I went to Mom's house for a visit. The boys had recently been in a car accident, and Josh had a fractured rib.

We'd eaten dinner and were just talking at the table. Oliver went wild and up the small flight of stairs at the other side of the house. I went to get him, but with my socks on and the hardwood and Oliver's angry wiggles as I picked him up, I didn't think we'd make it down the stairs. I called out for Josh but remembered his rib. I called out for my brother, James. He was right there, no questions.

"Can you spot me?" I asked.

He came up the stairs and walked down backward, helping me hold up Oliver.

This is a moment I treasure. My brother was there, no hesitation, when I needed him.

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Restoration: Week 28.

I've been missing Kay, so I've started reading the books of hers that I've not yet read--about half of them. She's there in her words. I'm not very good at grieving, but this seems healthy, restorative.

Poetry baths continue to restore me. I've tried all the bath products I got for my birthday.

My mom came to visit! She made delicious vegetables and teriyaki chicken (and "chicken crumbles" for Josh) in jasmine rice. She and I stayed up and watched Passengers, one of my favorite movies. And she liked it! I love going watching movies and going to see movies with her.

I cleaned the guest bedroom! My mom's visit gave me the motivation to clean and improve that room for four hours. I still have plenty to do, but I think it looks great. I'm going to spend more time there. My chaise is clear, and Josh moved in my white secretary desk. I sat at it in my cream and green desk chair and wrote a note to my brother. A restorative moment!

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

A Bold Reader: Week 28.

I'm still struggling with my reading. but I did keep up with poetry. I finsihed The Candle I Hold up to See You by Cathy Smith Bowers, former poet laureate of NC and one of my professors from grad school. I should have read it long ago! I replaced it with Wildwood Flower, one of Kay's books. We now own all of Kay's books, and I want Josh and I read them all. We've only read half.

Bruce and I are still working on The Unreal and the Real. The last couple of longer stories have been absorbing. But I move slowly. We have copies of our next book, which I'll reveal when we're ready to begin.

I've been reading The Best Small Fictions 2017 on my phone, and I'm on track with my goal to read one short story each day of the summer. That's a bold goal! Of course, the flash fiction helps!

I'm excited about what I'll read this week.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Remembering Kay.

In our second to last (dare I say penultimate?) semester at Appalachian, Josh and I got into a seminar class with Kathryn Stripling Byer, a visiting poet and the then-poet laureate of North Carolina.

Kay was instantly, obviously wonderful. Her clothes flowed, and her smile was warm. About ten of us wrote for her.

She invited us one evening a week to the octagonal cottage where she was staying. She tied a scarf around the mailbox, so we'd know we'd come to the right place. We talked about poetry and books and writing in general. Josh and I drank cheap raspberry soda in plastic wine glasses. Most of the time, it was just us, sometimes with another professor. We liked having Kay to ourselves. She obviously had great faith in us, as poets and as people. She also seemed delighted with us as a couple.

When Josh and I got married, Kay sent us a green-beaded, hanging candle holder that looked like a little chandelier. When Oliver was born, she sent us a blue glass bear ornament, which is hanging from a lamp on my desk.

Now, I'm reading the three books of hers that I haven't read yet. I don't know if it will make me feel closer to her or just make me miss her more.

Every time I remember that she's gone, my chest hurts.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

On Glitter, Shimmer, and Sparkle.

I should be coated in glitter all the time. It's a kind of armor. It protects my sense of self. I'm trying to remember how I went wild for glitter.

When I was little, I liked and requested "glue and glitter."

When I was a preteen, my close friend Leah brought treasure to church: various bottles of glitter that her mom had bought at a fabric store. My close friends and I painted our nails with clear polish and poured on the glitter. I was delighted. We divided up the glitter. We all liked the white. I ended up with baby blue, baby pink, and fuchsia. I may still have them in my craft trunk.

I discovered Gelly Roll Stardust glitter pens as a teeanger. On my birthday, I'd go to a fancy craft shop and buy the pens by the fistful. I was journaling madly with them.

When I turned 16, I discovered so much sparkling makeup. I was thrilled, not having known such wonders existed. Eyeshadow, eyeliner, lip gloss, body powder. I went wild for sparkle.

At jobs, I would tone it down until Christmas time, when sparkle wasn't strange. Everyone got used to my sparkling. I just kept wearing it after Christmas.

I still wear glitter--my favorite makeup, clothes, and shoes are shimmery. I always want to wear some kind of glitter.

Friday, July 13, 2018

Books That Have Changed My Heart and Mind.

  • Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. My dad gave me this book, and it was one of the first times I encountered a book about writing. I loved Lamott's sass and honesty. I became aware of multiple approaches to writing. I began to feel I could really be a writer, in whatever form that took for me.
  • Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg. This is in my top five books. I don't know how I found it--I think I was just browsing the reference section I'd just found at Barnes and Noble. The idea of writing practice, writing as a practice, truly changed my life. I became a scribbler.
  • The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I read this at 16 as part of a writing contest. I didn't actually write the essay, but the book changed me. I had low self-esteem at best and self-hate at worst. The book didn't propel me into Rand's ideals, but it brought me to a better relationship with myself.
  • Living a Beautiful Life by Alexandra Stoddard. My mom had the book, and I read it. I was a young teenager or even younger. Wow. The book taught me about beauty, about details, and about self-care. The words were like medicine and made my senses awaken.
  • The Creative Companion by SARK. This was the first and certainly not the last SARK book I've read. I don't know how I found it, but the bright colors may have caught my attention. I felt a new spark in my scribbles and in the way I treated myself.
  • Influence, Science and Practice by Robert Cialdini. This is the best textbook I read as an undergrad. It made me think critically about persuasion and manipulation, recognizing this in myself and others. 
  • Rose and the Beast by Francesca Lia Block. I discovered this in the YA section at Barnes. It blew my mind. The fairy tale retellings were dark and dazzling. I had to open my mind. The writing was richer, made of ice and velvet, than any I had read. She became my favorite writer.
What books changed you?

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Restoration: Week 27.

Reading almost always restores me. I've been reading about bipolar disorder in an MD's memoir (Mark Vonnegut). This restores me by reminding me that my illness is real and that I'm not alone. Acknowledging my illness restores me because I remember that life isn't supposed to be this hard every day and that I'm doing pretty well under the circumstances.

It's silly how much a funny video can improve my mind. I want to laugh as much as possible.

I'm working toward reading a short story each day for the summer. Stories can be intriguing and restorative--little treasures filling a collection, a treasure chest.

Josh's parents came to visit, and Oliver was so excited. Seeing him happy and affectionate heals my heart. If nothing else, we've helped him become a loving little guy.

I went swimming with the boys! Oliver is a wild swimmer and loves to jump in the pool. Swimming was not as easy as it used to be, but I enjoyed it. I want to do a lot of swimming this summer. The water seems to restore my body and mood.

A Bold Reader: Week 27.

My reading was a little better this past week. I read Neil Gaiman's The Sleeper and the Spindle, which was short, but I'm counting it! Some of the illustrations were gorgeous. Reading a fairy tale retelling felt good, nourishing, even with the shadows.

I've been enjoying Just Like Someone without Mental Illness Only More So by Mark Vonnegut (yes, his son); I'm a little more than halfway through it on my phone. It's engaging: living with bipolar disorder from a psychiatrist's point of view.

I'm behind on stories. My informal goal was to read a short story for each day of the summer. But I just got a book of flash fiction on my phone: Small Fictions 2017. I began Kelly Link's Stranger Things Happen, but I'm not plugged in yet. I'll get there.

My phone is full of $2 E-books. Goodreads tells me when something from my to-read shelf is on sale. That's an awesome feature.

Bruce got back from a trip New York City, so we'll resume reading The Unreal and the Real--more stories.

I'm still trying to build up my reading confidence and stamina. I can do it.

Friday, July 6, 2018

Who Am I Now?

Who am I going to be? I still feel a chunk of myself gone since I'm not teaching. That had become a big part of my identity. I miss the sometimes-subtle theatrical aspects of teaching. I try to fill that and use that energy for storytelling with my friends and family.

I push the writing and reading hard to preserve and cultivate those major parts of me. Who would I be with books? I can't imagine surviving. New purpose comes through all the meetings an paperwork I do to get Oliver what he needs. So I'm an advocate for him. I also have to advocate for myself.

The blog also helps me feel I have a purpose. If anyone enjoys or learns from a post, I've done something worthwhile for others. The blog is also fun--it's almost a playground.

I'm a mother and a wife, and usually, these all bit together and complement each other. Even pain gives me something to write. Every experience gives me some thing to write, whether it stays in my journal or I try to publish it.


Thursday, July 5, 2018

The Island 10.

I'm imagining having to go alone to a deserted island. The sponsors are covering all the basics: food, water, some form of shelter, and my medication. The island is safe. I'm allowed 10 extra items.
  1. Flashlight and batteries. This might be for exploring or for night-time reading.
  2. Books. I'd take what I could get, but the sponsors could send a few of mine during each supply drop.
  3. Pens. Any kind would be fine; colorful would be more fun.
  4. Notebooks. These wouldn't have to be pretty journals; I'd just need a lot of them--probably college-ruled and spiral-bound.
  5. A queen-sized Shabby Chich blanket--a great comfort.
  6. A photo album of family and close friends.
  7. Some form of music player.
  8. Subscription to Bella Grace. I'd reread issues.
  9. My long pink robe--cozy.
  10. Dr. Pepper, of course.

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Restoration: Week 26.

As Bruce would ask, how have I been honoring restoration this past week?

I bought two swing dresses (fitted at the top, relaxed through the body, and flared at the hem) from Old Navy for summer. They help me feel pretty and more at peace with my body.

Bruce and I watched three movies this past week! Movies almost always restore me. The first we watched was Lady Jane, one of my favorites. We also watched To Walk Invisible, a movie about the Brontës sisters. I hadn't seen it, but I was interested in learning more about the Brontës. They movie also reminded me that I have lot more Brontë work to read. And we watched A Quiet Passion, which I hadn't seen. It's about Emily Dickinson. All the movies were rather bleak but worth seeing.

Olive and I still have our morning dance party, usually to Pentatonix cover of "Cheerleader." Oliver also dances outside the door when I take a shower with music playing. Seeing him dance makes me lighter.

Journaling and blogging have made me feel more like myself--both the person I am and the person I want to be.

I finished one of my first literary suspense/horror novels, and I read dozens of poems. Reading is life support.

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

A Bold Reader: Week 26.

I haven't been able to call myself a bold reader for a few weeks, but I'm trying to get back there.

I did finish reading The Haunting of Hill House, which was creepy and well--written. I only knew Shirley Jackson from "The Lottery." When one work is so famous, I want to explore other pieces. I've also become fond of literary suspense.

I kept up with my poetry baths this past week. I'm reading a book by one of my former MFA professors Cathy Smith Bowers. I like reading the work of people I know. I ought to buy the books of some of my former classmates. Of course, it reminds me that I've not been a very bold writer.

I have a hard time reading if Oliver is with me. But I want him to see me reading. I hope he will be a bolder reader than I.

I need to get a move on with my short story summer. I've begun Stranger Things Happen by Kelly Link, whom I already like. But I feel stuck. How can I revive my reading? I'd still like to read a story each day of summer. I want to swim in stories!

So I'' recommit to being a bold reader who reads every day, reads a variety of genres, and approaches books with passionate courage.

Monday, July 2, 2018

The Magic of Shadow Palettes.

Few things are as exciting and enchanting as a new eyeshadow palette. Single shadows are fun, and I like leaving Sephora or Ulta with just one pop of color. But palettes are beautiful and full of possibility. Prestige cosmetics tend to have gorgeous packaging and presentation and I don't mind paying for that. I take the palette as it comes though I may not use every shade.

My current favorite palettes are probably Urban Decay's Moondust and Too Faced Glitter Bomb. The former's case is gunmetal glitter, and every shade from pale peach to cobalt is lovely. The latter has shaky glitter on its black case, and the glitter does not disappoint. But I've had so many gorgeous palettes.

When I first fell for expensive makeup, I fell again for Hard Candy (which now only exists as a Walmart line). My chest still flutters when I think of all those small silver eyeshadow quartets. I bought two on my 16th birthday: Pixie (sparkling white and pink with a red glitter black) and Disco 2000 (glitter purple, cream, and brown with a multicolor glitter liner shade). Tiny (a few inches) glittery sponge applicators and angled liner brushes were in each set.

These brought me a joy that got me though my summer youth group trips and my first days at a public high school. Everyone might be more popular than I, more beautiful, more ambitious, more intelligent...but I was a writer and I wore fantastic makeup. Getting pretty got me out of bed. I remember at a camp, one girl from my youth group reverently asking if she could look in my makeup bag, so we sat together on my bunk, and I showed her my treasures.

I've also loved Too Faced small palettes with plenty of sparkle, especially the country-music-themed one. And I have Cinderella, Little Mermaid, and Aladdin palettes from a Sephora and Disney project. Those are dreamy! And again, the packaging is so satisfying--princess silhouettes, sparkle, velvet. And I love all the names for each shade.

Mom and I have talked about the appeal of palettes. We agreed that it's related to our girlhood (and current!) obsession with dolls that have trunks full of clothes and accessories--color, shine, and endless combinations. I love sharing the fun of palettes with my mom. I probably gave her one or two palettes a year as gifts. Buying makeup for others is so fun.

I also like the Z palettes or empty magnetic palettes that let me create my own combination of shadows. I have a Tarte palette with green and black sequins. It's huge, and I've barely filled 1/3 of it with greens, blues, and pinks.

Palettes are makeup fun every day!