Josh and I are currently separated. We're living in the same house but not as a romantic couple. Our goal is reconciliation, but we have a lot to work through individually and together. We started marriage counseling a couple of months ago, and we'll continue that. We each have our own therapist. Josh is starting EMDR for some traumas that are still affecting our lives. Josh is also in a support group and has been reaching out to family. I have been trying to build and strengthen friendships to help sustain me now and in the future.
We've been reading books together since February, and we'll continue that. We've read Boundaries in Marriage, Beyond Boundaries, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and Becoming the One. Josh has listened to most of them while I've read the books visually. That's what we're doing now with The Body Keeps the Score. He's well ahead of me because he listens to the book while he runs. While I finish TBKTS, I think we'll both listen to Brene Brown's The Power of Vulnerability. Our counselor recommended Brown's work, so that's where we'll start.
We still see each other, parent together, spend time in the living room or study, talk, text, and E-mail. The biggest obvious change is that we don't touch. I hadn't realized how integral touch is in our relationship or how essential touch is to my self-regulation. We've always been major snugglers but especially lately as we've been trying to strengthen our marriage. Right now, the marriage is on hold while some key things happen. I don't know what all of those things are, but I hope they'll become clear as we go. I don't know if this will take weeks or months. I don't know how the shape of our lives will change. We're trying to keep everything as normal as possible for Oliver, who is now out of school. Josh is working long days this summer, so I have to keep myself going for Oliver, who is almost always with me.
I'm struggling with the need for physical affection to feel loved and with the need for physical touch (firm or soft, depending on how I feel) to help me process and manage emotions and the physical manifestations of emotions. I've been spending more time with Bruce and Corey, and they give great hugs. I'm finding other ways to fill or calm my need for touch, including focusing more on my other senses.
How does one hold onto joy in the middle of heartbreak, daily tension, fear, loneliness, and uncertainty? That's what I'm trying to learn. Going back through some old blog posts has been helping; this blog represents some of the best in me, my greatest determination to be content and at peace, to embrace joy.
Here are some steps I've taken and some ideas I have on what else to do.
Take hot baths. This eases my tension, calms and comforts me, and engages my skin and muscles--my sense of touch.
Seek hugs. I let the hugs I get last longer than usual, be firmer than usual. For the first time in ten days, I hugged Josh last night. It felt natural. I didn't feel unsafe, desperate, depressed, or intoxicated. So I think we'll hug daily. We both need it.
Savor the weight of blankets. My bed has the perfect blankets: a down comforter, a cookie monster (my term for a particularly fluffy blanket. This one is Shabby Chic from Target, aqua with satin trim), and a fairy comforter. The weight of them is perfect for me regardless of season--so comforting. So I stay awake long enough to feel that comfort on my body and the coolness of the sheets on my skin.
Use my heated blanket. In the living room, I have a heated blanket. I want to get a heated blanket or wrap for the study eventually. Heat soothes me, and I'm often cold. This is another way to comfort myself and engage my sense of touch.
More to come...
