I haven't posted in months. I kept meaning to go back and catch up, but I never did.
We had a brilliant trip to Asheville in August, and that is the last time I remember being consistently happy. I went through a rough mixed episode that lasted for a few weeks shortly thereafter. It was severe enough that I spent most of my time in bed, doing nothing. Josh rearranged his schedule so that I rarely had to leave the house. I felt as if I'd broken bones and had to let them reset.
In that process, I lost most of my rituals and structure. The only routine I maintained was calorie cutting, perhaps a little too much, to lose weight. I stopped doing yoga regularly. I stopped reading consistently. I even stopped journaling every day. I gave up my janner subscription and stopped enjoying magazines.
I lost a lot of my NoBuy resolve, especially as my weight loss started to require new clothes. I also began to lose sense of our finances, making mistakes and overestimating our income. I imagine this is came from manic characteristics of impulsivity and grandiose or borderline-delusional thinking. I'm still trying to regain my sense of money management.
My mixed episode ended when I started a new medication, but that med damaged my liver, and I couldn't take it long. Still, I was stable though I didn't feel good. I got through some books, including some audio books. I scribbled most days. My anxiety got worse, and depression visited me in the evenings as darkness came earlier. I felt searing loneliness, especially in intense moments when no one seemed reachable. Recently, another mixed episode ripped me open, and I'm still reeling from that, hoping that it's over. I've also had a long period of poor sleep and a shorter period of pain and weakness that is likely related to kidney stones.
I decided to end the year softly. I couldn't make a strong finish; the last few months have been too challenging. But I did reach my goal weight this month, and I reached a total of 116 books for the year, sixteen books beyond my goal.
Today, I have very little pain, my anxiety is under control, and I'm not particularly down. I'm tired. But I've slept through to 6 a.m. the past two mornings after waking consistently at 2 to 4 a.m. for weeks. My Stillness and Attention have suffered in the last third of this year. I have been frenetic, agitated, peaceless, unfocused, exhausted, and unproductive.
But I have a new word in mind for 2023, one that I think will help me both challenge and care for myself. I also have a new friend who happens to have chosen the same word! I hope for stability, for mindfulness, and for an overwhelming number of days that I can call *good.*
