Stillness & Attention: Week 4.

Day 1: Josh is thirty-seven today. We will see MST3k Live on the 31st. This year will mark seventeen years together.

The snow did come after all, just in time for Josh's birthday. We got about 4 1/2 inches. Our patio table, our cars, and Oliver's mini trampoline have quite a bit of snow. It didn't start until after dark. We looked outside at around 3 a.m., and the world was almost morning-bright. 

Yesterday, I read (inhaled) the rest of Ondattje's Handwriting. It was excellent. I plan to read more of his work, especially his poetry, if I can get my hands on it. That puts me at seven books for the year. I'm making good progress. And I'm excited because I've read two five-star books this year already!

Last night, the NCSEAA responded to my E-mail about the DGrant. Because I was a squeaky wheel, Oliver's account moved forward, and I was able to endorse his grant. The grant will cover about two-thirds of his spring tuition. We are also supposed to receive the Education Savings Account (ESA); that hasn't happened yet. But we should be in good shape for January, which means we can start saving for a down payment on a car. I'm hoping to buy one in March if Josh's car limps on that long.

This morning, I've been reading Life Among the Savages, which Bruce and I are reading together. He's well ahead of me, so I'm trying to catch up. It's hilarious with all of Shirley Jackson's subversive cheek. 

Today, I submitted two poetry chapbooks to a contest. I didn't think about submission fees and NoBuy2022 when I made my rules, but I've decided not to count them. This is the first submission I've sent in months. I feel rather accomplished, and I'm grateful to Josh who helped me format the page numbers. 

I unsubscribed from four magazines today and got a $35 refund. Since that's last year's money, I used it to buy a bottle of Diamine Inkvent Happy Holidays shimmer and sheen ink that is gorgeous: blue with red sheen and blue shimmer. Check out swatches here. I have some other ink on my NoBuy2022 list, which also includes a lot of books I intend to look for through the library. I found out that my library has ordered all four of the books I requested! I'm just waiting for the staff to process the books.

Going back to ink, Van Dieman's quickly responded to my E-mail and gave me a refund for the missing bottle of ink. It's not as good as a replacement bottle, but shipping is expensive. I told Peter that while I won't be ordering ink from him this year, I'll be back next year. I used that money (also last year's money) to pre-order Sarah Addison Allen's Other Birds, a magical realism novel, and to order Connecting the Stars by Marisa de los Santos (another favorite) and David Teague. The latter is perfect for now because it's for young readers, and winter is children's lit season. I have a lot of reading to do if I want to do the season any justice. And I now have three pre-ordered books to look forward to from favorite authors: March, June, and September. They're all books I want to own. 

This evening, I finished reading The Patchwork Girl of Oz (book 7 of 15) to the boys. That's book 8 for the year! I want to get to 10 this month. At least I've finished one children's lit book this winter! I have almost two months left, and I plan to read Peter Pan and the Alice books at last.

Day 2: One of the hardest parts of NoBuy is not having mail to look forward to. I'll just have to hope for letters. I have a few I need to write.

I've unsubscribed from almost all promotional E-mails and text messages. It cuts down on temptation and keeps my inbox clear for messages that matter. I started working on this in December. I had no idea how many promotional messages I was getting. 

This morning, I went through all the old clothes that were waiting in Oliver's closet. I sorted and folded everything, creating a stack of my clothes for the career closet at the college and a basket full of Oliver's clothes for Once Upon a Child. We've never tried to sell his clothes, but I'm hoping for store credit. He'll need a lot of bigger summer clothes this year. 

I made pasta salad, and I read the first chapter of A Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys. It's certainly a different speed from Oz. I'm counting it as children's lit for my winter focus though it may be more YA. My mother read A Wrinkle in Time to me when I was nine or ten, so I think of it as children's lit. I also taught the book in my science fiction class (along with other favorites Never Let Me Go, The Illustrated Man, and Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?), which is still one of the coolest things I've ever done. I'd like to do it again someday. But for now, I'll work on finishing this series I should have completed long ago.

Day 3: I went to renew some library books today and found that I can't renew Liane Moriarty's Apples Never Fall as someone has placed a hold on it. So I have a few days to read it. I'm not super excited about it, but I did enjoy What Alice Forgot. I'm hoping this will be a quick and absorbing read. If I can read Erdrich in two days, I can handle this. The deadlines can be good for me. 

I finished reading Life Among the Savages this morning around 4 a.m. Oliver woke us early and went back to sleep, but we couldn't. This is the first tiny-book-club read in a long time for Bruce and me, but we've read over forty books together. So I've now read nine books this year. I want to get to ten for the month. Almost there! I've also started Sharon Olds's poetry collection The Unswept Room. I want to read a lot of poetry this year. Josh has been in a very long reading slump. But he did finish listening to my reading Oz 7, and I think that counts. Maybe I'll read him some poems. We read Charlotte Bronte's The Professor last year (our first simultaneous read), and I hope we'll read more Bronte books together this year.

I'm more than halfway through my Paperblanks Valentina journal. I've picked out my next one, a Papier journal with heart-shaped lollipops on it. Papier can handle fountain pens, so I'm going to try out my new inks and use some samples. I still have to sticker up the journal. I may do that tomorrow while Oliver is in school. I've emptied 32 pens this year and set them aside for recycling. I hope my pen stores hold!

Today, Oliver is home for a teacher workday. Josh just left for work, and he'll be there until after 8 tonight. So it's just me and O all day. I read chapter 2 of A Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys this morning. It's harder to read aloud than the Oz books, but I like it. I'd like to finish it in February. I may go ahead and finish the last two books of the Time series before going back to Oz. We'll see how I feel. 

Oliver just ate half a McChicken! This is the closest thing to a real meal he's eaten in a long time. Protein and carbs. Now, if he'd only get interested in fruit again. Josh and Oliver go on a date to McDonalds one morning a week to get the real, greasy "cashbrowns." Today, they got the wrong order and ended up with McChickens. Maybe it's time to try chicken fingers again...Oliver's diet typically consists of beef taquitos, tater tots (which we call hashbrowns--close enough), hot dogs, vanilla wafers (bananafers) and Cheese Pizza Cheez-It crackers, with occasional macaroni and cheese or turkey sticks, rare grapes or oranges, and chips if he can get them. He does eat a large muffin at school each day. We're just happy that he eats at all. I thought I was a picky eater. Luckily, we found some gummy vitamins that he loves, and my mom sent us four bottles!

I've been teaching Oliver to open the trash can with his foot and clear his plate--a pretty exciting skill. Last year, we taught him to get ice from the dispenser and pour his own Gatorade and snacks. This year, we've already accomplished putting on slippers! We're making good progress on getting dressed. Putting on shoes, almost. Putting on socks, not so much. I'd love to get him to independence with dressing, socks, and shoes this year. We've made no progress on brushing teeth (we just got him to tolerate an electric toothbrush as the dentist recommended) or bathing. We should probably start getting him used to deodorant before he actually needs it. He's ten now, and a lot is on its way. Oh dear. 

I'm still amazed that, with occasional reassurance ("You can do it!"), he's potty trained. We really completed that last year too. I feel very lucky that Oliver can do this and that he has enough language to express his wants and needs. Last year, he said, "Wanna go lie down in Mama and Daddy's room," to let us know he needed snuggles. That may be the most he's said since he started regressing around age four. But he does sing the "Snuggle Puppy" song; I finally caught it on video. That's my favorite thing to hear, and I love his saying, "Wanna read a book," and "Wanna go find Mama" (he definitely gets the wanna and gonna from me, alas--I realized that when I used auto-captions on a class welcome video. Oops). He has almost no trouble telling us which Thomas video he wants to watch ("Wanna watch 'The Missing Christmas Decorations"). Yesterday, he even managed to let us know that he wanted to watch a duck boat video called "Amphibious Transport" (we got the transport part and figured it out from there). 

Josh commented earlier on Oliver's near-constant joy. He's always smiling, leaping, giggling. I said that he has no dread and no upsetting self-consciousness. Josh said Oliver also has no regret. Maybe we can work on reducing the presence of these in our own minds and hearts. Dread used to be a constant in my life, but that has gotten much better. 

Day 4: I wrote a poem! This is the first poem in a long time. It's called "Dark Laundry," born, I think, from reading poetry and Shirley Jackson. I'm thinking about where I can send it. I've had a poem in The Headlight Review, so I may try them again. I wonder if reading poetry again will awaken my own poetry writing. This morning, I couldn't have imagined writing a new poem, but suddenly, there it was. 

I've got discounted mealies coming today, some of which I actually have to assemble and/or cook. We'll see how that goes. I hope they arrive before dinner time.

Today, Josh took Oliver to school and then brought home the biscuit and Dr. Pepper I didn't get to have yesterday. He's so sweet. He's at a conference all day, so I'm having my first whole day alone in a long time. I'm not sure how to feel about it. But I've written a poem and started laundry. Music makes it easier for me to get ready, but Oliver can't handle music in the house. Today, though, I listened to Peter Cetera duets, On Your Feet, and Pentatonix while I showered and put on sparkly makeup. 

My janner for February is not coming until Saturday, so I'll be scrambling to decorate it and set up my DREAM boards. 

I went to the library this afternoon. Lately, I've been doing well about returning more books than I check out. Not so today: I returned one and checked out six. Oops. Checking out library books is one of my current greatest joys, though, so I don't regret it. I just have a lot of reading to do. I checked out two novels, three books of poetry, and a graphic novel (Vol. 4 of Locke & Key). 

Day 5: I had a phone session with my psychiatrist today. I told him that I've been having mood swings and waking up earlier and earlier (3:30 a.m. yesterday). He increased the dose of one of my meds. I'm glad to have a doctor who takes me seriously. I'll start the new dose tonight.

I cooked today. I made fajita chicken and rice and pesto chicken with walnuts and green beans. I used meal kits from HomeChef. Don't use HomeChef if you don't know how to cook! I couldn't find any instructions, and I had no idea what I was doing. I was texting Bruce to ask how to bake chicken. At some point, I'm planning to make an extra trip to the grocery store to buy spices, seasoning, and so on. 

Day 6: 

I finished reading Apples Never Fall, which was due today for someone else's hold. It was fine, 3 stars. Josh dropped it off at the library for me.

I made chicken and green beans again plus potatoes, this time with lemon, garlic, and garlic pepper. My CookUnity mealies arrived. I tried the avocado chicken burger, which was fine. Josh ate the sweet potato fries. 

Today, our new dryer arrived. It was an unexpected expense that cut into our car savings, but it was certainly a need. Luckily, Lowes was able to deliver it quickly. The delivery guys locked themselves out of their truck--while it was running. I gave them all my cash ($14) and a wire hanger. I guess they figured it out. That seems like the start of a story or essay.

I started Stephen Graham Jones's Mapping the Interior, a novella. I want to read as much SGJ as I can find. The library doesn't have much.

Josh and I write letters to each other in two notebooks/journals. One of them is filling up, so I got us an anniversary present to replace it soon. We've written to each other like this off and on for over sixteen years.

Day 7: Josh and I had the morning together, and something lovely happened: I took a nap! This is rare and wondrous. I continued to fade in and out after Josh left for work. I think it's probably because I'm getting used to the new dosage.

I had a couple of holds ready at the library, so I went there before picking Oliver up from school. I checked out the rest of the Locke & Key series, Paris Library (which I didn't finish before), and Remembrance of Things Past, a graphic novel. I've never read Proust, so I thought this might be a good way to start. 

I didn't read today, but I did finish three books this week, so it's okay. 

I went to Bruce and Corey's, and we watched two more episodes of American Horror Story: Red Tide. We still have four episodes left, and I have no idea what else can happen. I haven't watched any movies this month. I feel like watching something with Juno Temple. I call 6:30 p.m. to 8 p.m. the lonely time because Josh is usually putting Oliver to bed. I should try to watch movies during that time. Last night, I put stickers in the Papier journal. I finished Valentina and started the Papier with my TWSBI fountain pens and ink samples: Diamine's Starry Night and Winter Miracle. Bruce told me about Archive 81, which I may try to watch while Josh is around in the mornings. It sounds to scary for me to watch alone.

Tomorrow, another week of the year begins. I've gotten through four weeks without spending frivolously on myself, almost a month. If I can do one month, I can do twelve.

Stillness & Attention: Week 3.

Day 1: Two weeks without frivolous spending. I've had thoughts about glittery water bottles and Pilot Juice Up metallic pens, but I haven't purchased them. At least everyone is ready for work (clothes) and school (supplies) this coming week. 

As far as I know, Oliver will go back to school on Tuesday. I've loaded his backpack with his daubers, his favorite photo book, his favorite board book, Skittles, a change of cold weather clothes, and his Brr Brr (his old comfort toy...just in case). I hope he's all set. I hope his teachers are prepared to work more directly with him. His lead teacher and I have been exchanging E-mails, and she suggested I pack all those items for him. I included explanatory notes: gold ink on black paper: He likes to look at these photos and talk about what he's doing in them. He's outgrown Brr Brr but may still like to have him around (we have multiple Brr Brrs). This is an extra copy. It's no big deal if this gets beat up.

Josh's parents were supposed to visit today, but his mom isn't feeling well. For the next three days, I have nowhere to go and nothing much that I really have to do. It's a nice feeling. I do hope to do some cleaning and put away a lot of laundry. 

We found out that the college is hiring out weekly COVID testing, so Josh will no longer do that. We'll miss the extra money he earned, and he'll miss doing something so concrete to help with the pandemic. But this opens up his schedule quite a bit, and I'm excited about having more time with him. Next week, we should get some time alone. 

Josh is still the highest bidder on the Charlotte Bronte doll! It will probably get crazy on the last day. 

I can't believe I'm already starting the third week of this year. This morning, I've been reading Locke & Key Volume 3: Crown of Shadows. This is going to be a graphic novel and poetry weekend. I plan to read at least three books by Friday. I've started Handwriting: Poems by Michael Ondaatje.

I put away three baskets of laundry! I'm caught up...for the moment.

Day 2: 

"...because I felt, surprisingly and reassuringly, a slight panic for my own preservation, I started reading line by line."

~Louise Erdrich, The Sentence 83

This reassuring slight panic, when I experience it, drives me to write or read. When I'm lazy, disconnected, or depressed, I don't do these things, these life-affirming, life-strangling actions. And when I don't do these, I'm often disgusted with myself.

Yesterday, I went to renew some library books online and found that The Sentence by Louise Erdrich is in demand, so it is due on Tuesday. That gives me just a couple of days to read it. I'm almost 100 pages into the 380-page book. I have a long way to go!

It's an icy day. Josh ran 14 miles in cold rain. Oliver had gone back to bed at that point, so I did the same: I got in my cool bed in my dim room and slept for an hour or so. Naps are rare for me; I can't even sleep at night without meds. So this was a treat. Otherwise, I've mostly read. 

BlendJet now has Lisa Frank designs. Seriously? Suddenly, smoothies sound great. 

We've basically gotten our restaurant food for the month. Josh went out for soda and water-resistant running pants last night and came home with burgers (Impossible for him) from The Habit. And today, we ordered pizza and garlic knots with a gift card the Red Cross gave him at the blood drive. Unless Oliver wants the rest of the thin-crust sausage, I'll be eating cold pizza in the morning. I love eating lunch and dinner foods for breakfast; it's odd. 

Day 3: Today is a bonus weekend day because of MLK Day. The boys are both home. 

I finished The Sentence by 3 o'clock! I gave it 5 stars; it's my favorite of the three Erdrich books I've read. 

Day 4: I spoke to my therapist today and recommended The Sentence and My Heart Is a Chainsaw to her. I finished One of Us Is Lying; I may read the sequel. I'm starting the book Wounds, horror short stories by Nathan Ballingrud. I'm now at six books for the year, so I'm right on track...even slightly ahead.

Oliver is back at school, and Josh and I spent the morning together. For most of that time, we were waiting for the pest control guy to come. He asked us whether one of us had made all the art in the house. We assured him that we hadn't. He loved the Amy Brown mermaid by the front door. The man has good taste. I wish we were worthy of his belief in our talent!

Oliver was happy to get back to school and even leaned into his TA's hug. This is his first day without an RBT. I haven't heard anything yet. 

Today, I'm expecting some heavily discounted mealies (what we call pre-made frozen or refrigerated meals) from Factor. Last year, I enjoyed some heavily discounted Freshly mealies. They were pretty good. I'll pay $6 for a mealie, but I won't pay $10.

I had a good long talk on the phone with my mom. We discussed ABA again, and I continue to feel more reassured that we made the right decision. We talked about her health and about my recent day of solid depression. I did realize, though, that I missed my meds the night before that crash. So it actually makes perfect sense, and I haven't crashed again since. Obviously, my meds are doing a lot of good work.

I got started on our taxes as some forms arrived today. I'm waiting on Josh's W2. I hope we won't owe anything. Any refund we get will go toward a down payment for a car. Josh's car has refused to start three times in the last two weeks, but we're going to try to save for a few months--anything we can do to get a lower monthly payment.

Day 5: Oliver got an almost-perfect behavior sheet yesterday, and his teacher wrote that he had an amazing day and she thinks we made a great decision that will encourage his independence. Wow! So I feel a lot better. 

I've eaten two Factor mealies and a Panera Bowl mealie since yesterday. The first Factor meal was garlic shrimp and broccoli in a tomato cream sauce--not particularly filling but very good! The second was Italian sausage, red peppers, and rosemary red potatoes--also good. The Panera Bowl was chicken caprese: shell pasta, sun-dried tomatoes, spinach, and chicken in pesto--yum. We went grocery shopping today, and gracious, it was expensive! But we're all set for whatever ice or snow is set to come on Friday. I bought everything a big batch of the pasta salad Josh likes (tricolor vegetable pasta, Zesty Italian dressing, cucumber, and fancy-shredded Mozzarella, plus mini pepperoni for my portions).

Josh and I spent another morning together with lots of snuggles. It's so nice to be still and close to him without the impending stomp-stomp-stomp into our room! Oliver didn't want to wake up this morning, but when Josh said, "It's time for school," Oliver popped right up! I'm guessing he probably won't have school on Friday because of the weather, and he's off on Monday. So he gets one more day. I noticed last week that Oliver seemed more relaxed at home without ABA people here. Maybe the company for six hours a day stressed him out too. 

I agreed to meet with Oliver's former BCBA tomorrow morning at 9:30. I'm not looking forward to that. I just want to say, "Hey, we broke up!" Josh will be in class from 9 to 1. I won't have to leave the house though! A day in which I don't have to drive is a good day, and it means Josh can use the reliable car.

I found some Violette stickers I didn't know I had, and I organized new stickers from my Pipsticks subscription. I decorated one of the journals I bought at Le Guardia airport in December. It's a Paperblanks journal with a Valentine's Day design, and I'll probably use it next. I love the decor and style of Valentine's Day. I knew this time of year would be tough for NoBuy because I love pink and red heart tops and socks and decor. I just need to stay away from Target, Loft, and...pretty much everywhere else. I still haven't spent any money on myself for fun this year--19 days! Another temptation is a Paperblanks Grande journal, which is beautiful and huge. I may be able to save up Amazon points for one.

Josh is still trying to get that Charlotte Bronte doll for my birthday; the auction ends tonight. I've also always wanted a Scarlett O'Hara doll because she has dark hair and green eyes like I do, and this one is gorgeous. So if Josh doesn't get Charlotte, I may ask him for Scarlett for my birthday. 

I'm having a hard time reading again. I'll try to fix that tonight.

Day 6: I didn't fix that. 

I've had other Factor meals: cauliflower pasta with marinara, sausage, and green beans (too spicy for me, but I love the way they season the green beans) and herb chicken with seasoned potatoes and Mozzarella. 

I'm thinking about how I can batch-cook my own version of some of these mealies. I could buy frozen chicken breasts, but I don't know what to do with them besides marinate them in Italian dressing. I did buy some fully-cooked frozen shrimp that would be good with asparagus and Parmesan couscous. I'm no cook. I used to buy frozen tilapia at Aldi and season it with Old Bay. Maybe I'll start doing that again. It's hard to cook meat when I'm the only one who eats it. 

Something else I like: Fratelli Beretta's Italian Style Small Plates. I found them with the Lunchables at Food Lion. I tried one with rustico salami, provolone, and mini bread sticks. I also got one with crostini, spicy provolone, and calabrese salami. I love charcuterie, which my family called dinner snacks. It can be as basic as summer sausage with Colby jack cubes and Wheat Thins or fancier with brie, sesame crackers, crab dip, grapes, and gourmet salami.

Josh did not win the Charlotte Bronte doll, and the Scarlett doll sold. So that's sad. I found a stunning and relatively reasonable Madame Alexander Cissy (21-inch) with the classic Cissy face. I like her dress and her medium-blond curls, but I most love her face. Cisettes (10-inch) and Cissys have wide faces like mine, and this doll has shiny dark nude lips (which reminds me of the lipstick I wore in high school) and light green eyes. 

I met with the BCBA and signed the discharge papers. We're done. ABA did Oliver a lot of good at various points, but it's time to move on. His occupational therapist should be back from maternity leave next month. In the meantime, he's getting plenty of personal attention and individualized activities at school. I've gotten no new word about Oliver's grant, so we will probably have to pay tuition for January out of pocket. 

Today, I've had a few hours at home by myself. I organized more stickers and decorated another journal I got in New York, this one a Peter Pauper Press (arguably my favorite line though the Strand Denik journals may win individually) journal with purple trees and red flowers. I wrote in my current journal (also a PPP, this one with a blue tree...I love PPP tree journals!) with a TWSBI Eco purple fountain pen with a sample of shimmery Diamine Lilac Satin ink (from a sample set I bought a year or two ago from Goulet Pen Co.). I have a big purple blotch on my middle finger--a writer's love bruise. I did ask for this Compoco firefly journal for my birthday. I also like this, this, and this. 

I think I have plenty of ink for this NoBuy year. We'll see! I am still waiting for some Van Dieman's Night ink I ordered from Australia last year after discovering the wonder of shimmer (sparkly) and sheen (duochrome) inks. Just remember, shimmering and sheening inks can clog most pens. I've found TWSBI Eco with a broad or stub nib to be the best, but Robert Oster Fire and Ice ink clogged my stub nib (so pretty and ultra shimmery though--I'll have to seek out one of my dip pens). I also love scented inks, which, in my experience, work well in any good pen. I'd love a scented sample pack...did you read that, Josh? I know; I know. I'm running out of birthday presents. 

Day 7: I did finish reading two stories from Wounds last night. They were quite dark. I liked "The Diabolist." I also read two chapters of The Patchwork Girl of Oz to the boys, so I did a decent amount of reading. For the last couple of days, I've felt lonely and sad in the evenings, but I think part of that is because I haven't been reading enough.

Josh ordered me the beautiful doll for my birthday! I'm thinking of what I will name her. Iris? Emmy? London? I'd love to collect clothes for her eventually. I wish I could sew clothes for her, but I'm much too lazy and impatient to learn. I saw a beautiful white and blue satin coat with sparkly buttons for a Cissy. I'm happy to have this doll to look forward to. In under five months, I'll see her lovely face. 

Josh and Oliver are home today due to winter weather that probably won't come. I'm under my heated blanket with an ice peppermint mocha I made. 

I'm working on the budget for next month. I don't think I'll be able to save much toward a down payment for a car, but I'll save as much as I can. Josh will get a little more testing money from December. We still have to pay for this month's ABA sessions. But I'm hoping Oliver's grant will come through, and the money we have for January tuition can go toward a down payment instead. I want to have a $3,000 down payment. $5,000 would be great, but that's not going to happen.

More Factor mealies! Grilled chicken in a creamy sauce with sun-dried tomatoes, spinach, and zucchini noodles--delicious, definitely my favorite (It's called Sun-Dried Tomato Chicken). Yesterday, I had pork tenderloin with cheesy cabbage (I didn't eat the cabbage because ew) and...you guessed it: green beans. Luckily, Factor knows how to make good green beans, and they're one of my favorite vegetables. Verdict: if you get a good discount, Factor is worthwhile (again, I don't go over about $6 a mealie). I like the Factor mealies better than Freshly (which is also pretty good). I'm trying a couple more heavily-discounted mealie plans in the next few weeks. One of them will actually include some meal kits--am I competent enough to cook something with all the ingredients before me? We'll see. They're two-serving kits, so I'll have leftovers. After that, I'm adding mealie plans to my NoBuy list. I'll learn to make my own. I'm getting lots of good ideas though. I want to try making good steamer bag long green beans with seasoning and slivered almonds--no more canned green beans for a while!

I finished my PPP blue tree journal and began my Paperblanks Valentina journal! It's #217. When I remember, I always write where and when I bought or received a journal inside the back cover. It's fun to see how long I've had a journal waiting and who gave it to me or whom I was with when I bought it. This one was technically a gift from my dad. Thanks, Dad!

Paperblanks journal pages are too thin for fountain pens, so I plan to use a variety of gel pens. I'm no longer sticking to two colors per journal; I'm writing with whatever I feel like using. I'm starting with a Uni ball Signo pen in gold--one I bought at Kinokuniya in New York City. 

My Van Dieman's ink arrived from Australia! They made a mistake with my order and sent two 50 ml bottles of Twilight Mist (indigo shimmer) instead of one TM and one Cherry Blossom Dream. I sent them an E-mail, so we'll see how the customer service is. I also got two 100 ml bottles: Shooting Star (sheening red/blue with gold shimmer) and Aurora Australis (sheening purple/green). I'll probably choose a journal with thicker paper next so I can try out the inks. It's fun to get something now that I ordered last year. Hopefully, they'll just send me that other bottle. I don't want to deal with international return shipping.

I got Oliver a pair of slippers with rubber soles and furry lining. They're perfect for playing in the backyard because he doesn't have to wear socks, and he can just about put the slippers on himself. That's good because he likes to go in and out a lot, which made the shoes-socks-coat routine taxing.

Josh and I put my favorite star sheets on our bed. I love going to bed with new sheets. I read two chapters of Oz 7 to the boys. We only have three chapters left! I may take a break from Oz and finish reading A Swiftly Tilting Planet to them. Both the Oz and Wrinkle in Time series are on my 40 before 40 list. We have a total of eleven books left to read together in the next few years. Whew. I have so many books for myself on that list, and I'm starting to feel I'm running low on time! Eventually, I'd like to read The Chronicles of Narnia to the boys. I just finished the series myself during grad school...which was actually a long time ago. Oh dear. 

Oliver just put on his slippers all by himself! He's making his fourth trip into the backyard. It's cold! We still haven't seen any precipitation though. I'm hoping Josh's parents will still be able to visit tomorrow for his birthday.

Stillness & Attention: Week 2.

Day 1: I made it a week without spending frivolously! And I didn't feel deprived. I did have to find ways to stimulate or soothe myself without browsing Ebay or JetPens. I got to give Josh a new forest green shirt, some ties, and an Art Deco wall calendar for work. Oh, and he actually likes the jeans! 

Today, I've got to get back to good reading. I'm working on Bronte's Mistress, and it's not grabbing me. But I have three overdue library books, and I've got to get through them before I pick up more holds! I have an absurd number of library books out. I tend to return one or two and check out four or five. But it feels like a wonderful luxury, and my library is now fine-free. I have a mint green bin with white polka dots where I keep my library books. It may be overflowing a bit. I also started Shirley Jackson's Life among the Savages, which Bruce and I are reading together.

I haven't had any updates on Oliver's grant. But I'm imagining how we can, perhaps, start a 401k for Josh this fall and maybe open a flex spending account. I'm also imagining trying to save up money for a few years and maybe get back to New York City.... But since Josh's car struggled to start twice last week, a car is probably the first thing we need to consider. 

Stampington sent me a coupon today. I'd love to buy the back issues of Bella Grace I've missed, but I'm not going to do that this year. Besides, I have a lot of magazines to read, and I need to organize the ones I'm going to keep. Another temptation: redecorating our bathroom. Our towels are getting raggedy. But I do still love the bright colors. This year, our only redecorating will be a new chest of drawers (if it works out). 

I love Fresh Sugar Advanced Therapy lip balm, but it's too expensive. I still have a couple of tubes that have balm I can't get to with my nail. So I ordered some mini makeup spatulas so I can use that good two weeks' worth of balm. 

Day 2: Today was a hard day. I didn't feel like shopping, but I didn't feel up to reading either. I did take a shower today, and I'm pretty proud of that. Two more work shirts arrived for Josh: red and violet.

Day 3: Today was better. We're thinking about making some major changes to Oliver's care as we're disenchanted with services. Josh also may be taking a pay cut due to low enrollment. And while his car started tonight, it made some terrible squealing noises. We've already replaced one belt (and the alternator, and the tires, and the battery--can we cut our losses?). 

The college and indeed the county have run out of COVID tests, so Josh is not testing this week (another pay cut). We don't know if or when he will get back to testing as the college is also running out of crisis money. The one good thing about this is that Josh is home more this week. Mondays will be extremely long (6:45 a.m. to 8 p.m.), but today was...still long but not that long. He wore his teal shirt with his purple tie (Hornets colors). I wore a pink sweater with blue sequins.

I didn't spend any money today. My little spatulas came, so I've been digging out the remaining lip balm. I read hard and finished Bronte's Mistress. I didn't love it, but I'm glad I finished it. I hate investing in a book and not finishing it. So I need to get back to The Paris Library. I want to go to the library on Thursday to return books and to pick up holds, so I have a couple of days. I'm thinking I'll just have to return The Uses of Enchantment and check it out again to finish it later. I haven't gotten past Part 1, the first half. It's interesting but repetitive. But again, I've invested a lot of time and effort in the first half, so I want to finish the book at some point.

I got Oliver ready for and into bed successfully (he usually wants Josh) and waited for Josh to get home from his first day of classes. We were relieved to go to bed. We held hands as we fell asleep.

Day 4: Josh and I are seriously considering pulling Oliver out of ABA therapy. In-home sessions have been disappointing; the tech interacts with Oliver for about ten minutes per hour. We pay hundreds of dollars a month for this, and insurance pays thousands. Our BCBA has also not been present. Having someone who isn't family or a close friend in my house (not to mention attending weekly online meetings) is very stressful for me, so the only gain that seems certain right now is anxiety. 

I don't know what happens at school when I'm not there at all. At this point, we think Oliver will be able to do well at school without a tech. He has a teacher and a teacher's assistant, and he is one of only three children in his class. In-school services were only sure through March anyway. It seems like a good time to stop since the tech is quitting. Sending Oliver to the clinic gave Josh and me some time alone together, but now, any sessions outside school will be in-home rather than at the clinic. I'm wondering if we've wasted a lot of time, effort, and money on ABA. In any case, we'd like to cut our losses there too. Those hundreds of dollars a month could go toward getting Josh a car that works.

Josh's lavender dress shirt and two dressy vests (charcoal, light gray pinstripe) arrived. He has one more vest on the way. I thought about ordering another, but we'll see how he likes these. Josh used to wear dressy vests to work all the time, but they all got old and worn. He said vests might make him feel more like himself.

I didn't spend any money today; I hardly even thought about it. Not spending is starting to feel more normal. But because I was anxious and distracted all day, I did almost zero reading--nothing but a submission for the magazine for which I'm a reader. I hope I can cultivate more stillness and attention tomorrow.

I found a tiny blue glittery star in my journal. I don't know how it got there.

Day 5: We decided to discontinue ABA services after all. Oliver's teacher assured me that she thinks he'll do well at school without an RBT. So we've started the day without any guests in our house. The three of us did morning meeting together online, and we completed a worksheet on the letter of the week (M!). Josh even drew Mavis the diesel. When I said, "School time," Oliver came right to the table. I'm hoping we can maintain some good habits he's built. Oliver's sparkly daubers are pretty cool. He prefers stamping the little dots to coloring with crayons. Why shouldn't those dots be sparkly? 

I ordered a few items for school: a Thomas alphabet book, another set of glitter daubers, an extra copy of his favorite book (Good Night North Carolina), and a self-inking name stamp. Oliver doesn't write his name, and that part can take up all the activity time, so he's done some name stamping at school. He does recognize his name on paper. I used Amazon points to get Oliver a couple of extra books, including one by Joyce Wan (as much for me as for him).

Without ABA, we'll save a lot of money each month even if we start going to OT (occupational therapy) more, which we hope to do when Miss Katie returns from maternity leave. We're trying to figure out how we can use those funds to replace Josh's car; hopefully, the savings will cover a car payment and increased insurance. We may try to save up a down payment before we buy. Josh's graduate student loans payments restart in May, so that will be another major expense. We're hoping, though, that if Oliver's grant materializes, we'll stop needing help from family as leftover funds may cover some of Oliver's OT costs. For now, I'm holding onto a month of tuition money in case the grant comes late and we have to pay for January. I'll feel a lot better when I get updates on the grant, and I'll really feel better if I find out we can renew it for next year. It's all a question mark right now. 

We did four shapes worksheets. Oliver was patient and pretty attentive. Josh went to work a little later today because he didn't have testing. He wore his purple shirt, his teal tie, and his charcoal vest. I don't feel like reading. But I'll be upset with myself if I continue to fall behind.

I did get some documents to fill out and sign for NCSEAA! So maybe the grant is happening. I went through color, letter, number, and emotion cards with Oliver. He did really well with colors and numbers. Josh donated blood after work and then went to the grocery store. He only had to get several tide-over items, but they cost $80! I can't believe how expensive groceries have gotten. We use Oliver's disability pay (through me) for groceries, but it may not be enough. 

I didn't read a thing today except for a story for the magazine. What is wrong with me? That's two days without reading. Unacceptable! But I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I guess I won't be going to the library tomorrow. 

Day 6: I still don't feel like reading. At least I also don't feel like spending money. We got through morning meeting online again (one more day!). We have a three-day weekend coming. I look forward to not having to get ready early. Josh's parents are supposed to visit on Saturday. Next week, maybe we'll get back into a regular schedule with school and testing. We'll see. I'm hoping Josh and I will get some alone time, which may be what I value most.

I have a saved search for Madame Alexander Bronte on Ebay, and I got a new result today: a Charlotte Bronte doll with green eyes and auburn curls. She's gorgeous. I can't buy her. And who knows how high the bidding will get? I did pre-order Anna-Marie McLemore's Lake Lore and Francesca Lia Block's House of Hearts, books I simply can't miss, with Amazon points! They come out in March and June.

But I guess it's official: I'm in a reading slump. I hate reading slumps so much, and I definitely didn't expect to be in one during the second week of the year. This is the third day, and I still can't open a book. It's miserable. It makes me wonder if I'm really a reader at all. Reading shouldn't feel like a chore. It should be a thrill, an adventure. I've rarely stayed up late to read another chapter. A lot of the bookworm memes don't apply to me. So what does that mean? 

Well, I did read a couple chapters of Paris Library today, and I read a chapter of The Patchwork Girl of Oz to the boys. I also read a couple more stories for the magazine, so the day wasn't a total reading loss. I thought about stillness and attention and how I could settle my wild mind.

Day 7: Last night, Josh said, "So should I get you that doll for your birthday?" I said, "You can try," so he's trying. I doubt he'll get it; the bidding is pretty intense already with five days left. But I'm happy that Josh wants to get her for me. I remember how happy I was (still am) when I finally got my Jane Eyre doll. The Charlotte Bronte doll would be a perfect companion to her. If Josh does get her, I'll wait until my birthday.

Oliver and I finished his school work for the virtual week, and we all did the last (for now...we hope) online morning meeting. I also ran cards with Oliver throughout the day. He does not like to pay attention. Maybe I should offer him a Skittles reward for finishing a set of cards. He does know the basic shapes well except for rectangle. And he knows colors except for purple. When I say, "It's Mama's favorite color," he remembers. I'm going to try to do at least some cards each day so we can maintain what he does know. 

I read a little more of The Paris Library but decided to go ahead and return it. I can request it again and start from chapter 6 (don't let me forget!). For once, I returned three books and only checked out two! I'm thinking I'll spend some time on graphic novels and poetry to reset and to get back on track. I've finished four books this year, and I should have finished at least four by now. I'll catch up. I will banish the slump.

Continuous Small Treats.

"The secret to a happy life is continuous small treats."

Iris Murdoch

I've always liked this quotation. I even have it on a rubber stamp (alas, without attribution). I came across the quotation in my journal yesterday, and I thought, How do I give myself continuous small treats without spending any money?

So I made a list of ways, most of which are within my current control and possession.

1. Wearing my glittery makeup
2. Wearing clothes with sequins
3. Wearing cute socks
4. Decorating my future journals with stickers
5. Looking at magazines (Bella Grace, BG Cozy, BG Field Guide, Enchanted Living, Real Simple)
6. Writing with my favorite pens
7. Kissing Josh
8. Cuddling under my heated throw
9. Drinking Dr. Pepper
10. Drinking Shirley Temples I make at home
11. Drinking iced peppermint mochas I make at home
12. Checking out (too many) library books
13. Taking bubble baths with philosophy 3-in-1s
14. Reading poems
15. Reading poems aloud
16. Taking Oliver's hand
17. Seeing my boys dress in vibrant colors
18. Listening to Tick, Tick...Boom!
19. Reading about French culture
20. Drinking Strawberry Lemonade Propel Water
21. Eating fruit (black or red grapes, strawberries, oranges)
22. Reading Oliver a little book
23. Looking at art books
24. Reading fairy tales
25. Looking at illustrated fairy tales (I have a decent collection)
26. Burning cinnamon or marshmallow candles
27. Getting a mini massage from Josh
28. Writing in the best journal I have
29. Looking at theatre programs
30. Wearing glitter highlighter even though my mask hides it (I know it's there)
31. Wearing Fresh Sugar tinted lip balm
32. Listening to Tootsie on my bluetooth headphones (from Josh)
33. Getting texts from Bruce (especially those with righteous indignation and incredulity on my behalf)
34. Listening to showtunes in the car
35. Looking at fairy art
36. Watching cat videos
37. Scrolling Facebook
38. Looking at Christian Schloe art
39. Exploring art supplies I already have
40. Remembering to wear perfume
41. Lying still under blankets and thinking
42. Wearing pink
43. Wearing my Ariel jacket
44. Getting reactions to blog posts
45. Looking at displays at the library
46. Placing library holds
47. Making library purchase requests
48. Using cinnamon body wash
49. Hunting for wild violets
50. Opening the blinds
51. Admiring my journal collection
52. Writing from a prompt
53. Organizing my pens or stickers
54. Decorating my planner
55. Coloring squares on my dream boards
56. Replacing scented foaming hand soaps
57. Looking at my Pinterest boards
58. Searching for Pinterest boards
59. Highlighting a completed task with a glitter highlighter
60. Starting a new book
61. Reading a short story
62. Wearing my jewelry
63. Eating a pizza Lunchable
64. Wearing a forgotten shirt or necklace
65. Wearing pinstripes (dress pants, leggings, jeans)
66. Sleeping on fresh sheets
67. Using a fresh towel
68. Writing a new blog post
69. Writing down quotations
70. Really looking at the art in my house
71. Watching lettering videos
72. Writing on black paper
73. Writing with shimmering ink
74. Looking at family photos
75. Listening to my Becky Songs playlist
76. Reading about writing
77. Using rubber stamps
78. Receiving letters
79. Receiving stickers from subscriptions
80. Reading a graphic novel in one sitting
81. Praising myself for tiny accomplishments
82. Sitting outside
83. Saving and recycling empty pens
84. Draining pens (as long as I have more!)
85. Seeing Josh wearing clothes I found for him
86. Seeing Josh wear jeans
87. Writing with glitter markers
88. Cuddling under a cookie monster (a large and fluffy blanket)
89. Looking at flowers at the grocery store
90. Resting against my fluffy pink pillow
91. Sleeping with my blanket under my head
92. Wearing the reading shawl Bruce gave me
93. Playing solitaire
94. Seeing Oliver's art work
95. Going through Oliver's school work on Friday
96. Seeing Pen Squad posts
97. Wearing heels to pick up Oliver at school
98. Curling up in my arm chair
99. Organizing by color
100. Finding unexpected glitter

Stillness & Attention: Week 1.

Day 1: I went to A Christmas Story at DPAC with Bruce. That kept my attention, and I barely noticed that it was my first no-buy day.

Day 2: I wished we had bought an inexpensive white bookcase last week--oh well. We were going to fill it with my special magazines and Josh's Charlotte Hornets memorabilia. Maybe we'll do that next year. I did think that one purchase we probably will make this summer is a new white dresser. Our dresser is falling apart a bit, so a new one is becoming a need. We may have a little extra money in the summer because Josh will teach a class or two, and we won't be paying tuition.

I finished reading my first book of 2022: 13 Little Blue Envelopes by Maureen Johnson. It's a YA novel about a girl who goes on a sort of scavenger hunt adventure in Europe. It was sweet and fun. I tried to place a hold on the sequel, but the library said I'd reached the maximum number of holds. :(

Day 3: I look forward to the magazines and stickers I know are coming in the mail. I'm so excited about Valentine's Day stickers from my subscriptions, something I decided to keep this year.

I felt the urge to shop online, so I channeled that into something practical: some pieces for Josh to wear to work. He needs them though he might disagree--he rarely agrees to buy any clothes. But he doesn't have a lot of work clothes, some of them are wearing out, and he will teach more in-person classes this spring. And the colors will cheer me (and hopefully him). I also hope that his wearing clothes I got for him will remind him of my love. Today, he's wearing a teal shirt I bought for him last year. Okay, I also bought him a pair of jeans because he doesn't have any casual pants that aren't for running. This is a more selfish purchase (he looks so cute in jeans), but it's still justifiable. I bought Josh a coat last year--he didn't have one! 

Everybody has the clothes they need now. I think we'll have to start from scratch with Oliver when the weather warms though. I'm hoping to make friends at Once upon a Child before then.

I went to the library, where I returned two books and checked out five! Four of them were holds, so now I can place MORE HOLDS! My library book bin is overflowing. I may be overestimating my reading speed and efficiency, but I plan to rise to the occasion. 

Day 4: I ordered a couple of things Josh needs for his office. I wanted to buy Oliver a cute new Joyce Wan book, but I decided to wait until I have Amazon points. Oliver is home for the week doing virtual learning to minimize post-holiday COVID risk at school. So he is here with his ABA technician. I just found out that she is leaving in the next couple of weeks. This is extremely depressing and alarming as she is integral to Oliver's school experience. This makes me want to distract myself with pretty things. But they'll have to be pretty things I already own. 

This feels dimmer at the moment, but we did get wonderful news that Oliver is getting a disabilities grant to help with spring tuition. Still, I'm sticking to NoBuy2022. This will give us a chance, I hope, to pay off some medical bills, pay down debt, and maybe think about getting Josh a car that actually works. But I'm really down today, which makes my goals a lot harder. I don't feel up to reading. I'll have to return some library books late, which I hate doing. They're due on Thursday, but I'm still working on three of them. I need to finish at least one more book this week to stay on schedule for 100 books this year.

I used a gift card to buy a 99-cent Kindle book, The Quickening, which looks like a supernatural thriller. A gift I requested for Josh and my wedding anniversary arrived. I didn't open it; I'll look forward to it until February 16!

Day 5: I've been unsubscribing from promotional E-mails and text messages for two weeks. I can't believe how many I get. Bath and Body Works sent me an E-mail about $4.95 candles, but instead of going to the site, I unsubscribed. I saw a Facebook ad for a BlendJet, which looks awesome. I did not buy it. I did fantasize about grape, strawberry, and orange smoothies. Mmm.

I did spend an unpleasant amount on medical-grade N95 masks. They, along with our shots, seemed to protect us in New York, so I want to have them whenever we leave the house but especially for errands, appointments, and performances. I'm looking forward to MST3k Live at DPAC at the end of the month for Josh's birthday. I bought tickets last summer.

I got a free First Reads Kindle book as I do each month. I chose a middle-grade book, The Night Burns Bright. Winter is my season for children's lit, so I hope to read the book soon. I realized that I can't renew The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo because someone has placed a hold on it. So I'm trying to read the book over the next couple of days. I don't want to make someone wait longer for it. But also on the book front, I found out that the library has ordered two of the books I requested! And I can now place holds for any book in the NC Cardinal system! I feel like I can get a hold of just about any book I want. More purchase requests to come...

Day 6: I finished The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo and returned it! I read a 400-page book in two days, which is amazing for me. It also shows me that I can read extensively. So I'm now at two books for the week and on track with my goal. I did return one book and check out four more...

I used a gift card to buy two Kindle books, Today a Woman Went Mad in a Supermarket (short stories) and Serendipity (YA stories, including one by a favorite, Anna-Marie McLemore). I should have checked the library first. I've got to solidify that habit. I do it well in bookstores, searching the catalog on my phone. Today was Amazon subscription day: TP, razors, shave gel, Sparkling Ice, and Burt's Bees (I'm switching to Burt's Bees from the awesome but much more expensive Fresh Sugar Advanced Therapy balm). I skip as many subscriptions as possible each month. I won't need many of these next month. I'm being careful not to overbuy (I ended up with about five boxes of trash bags at once last year).

Josh picked up my meds today, and we're back to paying copays after having met our out-of-pocket maximum last year. But luckily, most of my prescriptions are $5. We'll soon be feeling Oliver's $150 a week copays for therapy. I've not gotten any new information on that grant, but if it works out and if he gets it again next year, that will be a big change for us. If he does get it for next year, I'd like to try to buy Josh a car in August. We can save up a down payment until then and trade in his clunker that doesn't always start and sometimes stalls at busy intersections (after $1,000 of work). 

Day 7: Josh is at the Y playing basketball. We decided to keep our membership for now. Josh uses the gym and courts, and we sometimes go swimming as a family on the weekends. Oliver is going to need that because his school has decided to have another week of virtual learning. I understand why (COVID cases within and in general), but Oliver needs to be back in school. 

He had a meltdown last night (pictures, Christmas tree, TV, fan, dust vac, my pens, and more went down), and I think it was just because he's sick of being at home. I don't blame him. And Josh is working a lot this week. Hopefully, next week will be better for Oliver and me because Josh will be home more. It's easier to be still and attentive when Josh is around. I tried to stay still and attentive during Oliver's meltdown, responding but not reacting. He attempted to tear up the tree but did not succeed. I think I'm about ready to put away Christmas. I had planned on keeping everything up until January 11, which is when Bruce's tree gets picked up. But now, it's just something else for Oliver to knock over when he's mad. Still, I'm thankful that meltdowns now come a couple of times a month instead of a few times a week. Let's hope that continues. 

Another piece of good news is that we will have a new ABA (applied behavior analysis--autism treatment) RBT (registered behavior technician, who works directly with Oliver 30 hours a week) next week. She will shadow the current RBT and/or our BCBA (board-certified behavior analyst, who supervises the RBT) for four days. I'll have a lot of people at my house. I guess I'll really get to know the new RBT. I hope Oliver will bond with her before they go back to school together.

I found a journal I really want on the Strand Book Store's website. I'm a little obsessed with the bookstore. But what business did I have looking at the website? Okay, at first I was reading the history of the place. I'll tell Josh I want the journal for my birthday. He may tire of hearing that!

We have had a mess of prescription bottles on our counter. I have a decorative box with most of my meds, but I keep my afternoon meds out for easy access. I wanted to buy decorative boxes for Josh's and Oliver's meds, and I thought maybe I could buy a separate pill box for my afternoon meds. Well, I found an old pill box, and I cleaned off two pretty boxes! One box is black and gold with some of my favorite words: All is calm; All is bright. Bruce gave me that box one Christmas, and I didn't have anything in it. I also remembered that I have two white boxes in which I kept reading glasses and pen refills. So I combined them and had an extra box! Now, our counter is free of pill bottles. Using what I have felt good.

I had some intense mood swings today, but I did not comfort myself by shopping. Josh's presence calmed me down, and he did say he placed an order with Strand today.

Word(s) of the Year 2022.

 I recently wrote about what I discovered I needed in order to read well: stillness and attention. These are not two of my favorite words, and I don't love their sound or their layers of meaning. But I thought about words like tranquility, serenity, and mindfullness, and these didn't quite express what I meant, what I envisioned for the new year. So for 2022, my words will be stillness and attention. 

I have two major goals for 2022: to spend no extra money (NoBuy2022) and to read one hundred books. For both of these, I'll need my words. I plan to blog about my progress with these goals.

Stillness and attention are necessary for effective, engaged, and passionate reading. I'll need to read more than eight books per month to reach my goal of reading one hundred books in a year. I've done this once before the time of GoodReads while I was a graduate student, so I know I can do it. I have so many books I want to read, and I check out library books at an exhilarating pace. I want to give books the mental space they deserve in my life and in the way I spend my time.

Stillness and attention will also help me avoid spending. We need to focus our money on Oliver's education and care. Family members and friends have helped us, and I want to honor that by abstaining from fun spending. I'll keep my subscriptions (magazines and stickers), and I'll buy gifts for people. But I won't buy books, journals, pens, clothes, shoes, jewelry, makeup, or stationery. My manic traits make overspending easy (and thrilling), so I need stillness to break old cycles. I don't have a problem with stuff; Josh calls me a clutterbug. I love objects, and almost all objects have deep meaning for me. It's about saving and self-control. Attention will help me appreciate all the wonderful objects I already have. If I run low on pens or want a book, I can ask for it as an occasion gift. I've set up a NoBuy2022 List on Amazon, and I'm putting what I want there. Whatever it is can be a birthday present, or it will keep until next year. 

These words will help me with my other goals, which may include finishing a first draft of my second novella, submitting my writing for publication, finishing the Bible, and taking a weekly off-screen day. I'm not sure yet how my goals will shape up beyond the two main ones. But any and all of them will require quiet focus.