The Princesses We Are.

Growing up, I loved forming connections between favorite characters and some of my favorite people. This blend of life and fiction must have helped me stay grounded in a way. I would often cast people in my mind to play characters in a play I would direct (mostly in my imagination but a few times in reality).

My favorite way to do this was to find matches in Cicely Mary Barker fairies. I always looked for myself in those pages, those child fairy faces. My favorites were the Fuchsia Fairy and the Willow Fairy, but I didn't really look like either of until I had black hair in my early twenties. I found others though. My mother was the queenly Wild Rose. My Keely was the gorgeous Harebell. Just recently, I discovered that Michelle, Dad's wife, is the Iris Fairy. Lately, I feel most like the Rosehip Fairy.

My friends and I also took roles in our play version of the Babysitter's Club. I think I was Mary Anne. I loved being the secretary.

And Little Women! Early on, I saw myself as Beth, quiet, shy, fragile. Keely and her sisters and I took these matters quite seriously. After a lot of growing up, I started to identify more with Jo--she loves literature, writing, and theatre. And I wanted to be as bold and unapologetic as she.

Surprisingly, I don't remember casting friends as Disney princesses or any fairy tale role. My favorite fairy tale in The Twelve Dancing Princesses, and my favorite Disney tale is Cinderella. Aside from being a dreamer, I don't have much in common with Cinderella. I'm no great housekeeper, and I would not long to go to a crowded party. I'm more like Belle in looks and personality--literature-obsessed, a bit fiery, and appreciative of tiny parties.

My mom had always loved Aurora best. Mom is kind and loving, a dancer, and unaware of how royal she is. She was born royal.

Which princess are you Can you find bits of loved ones in other princesses?

Restoration: Week 21.

As I often do during or after a crisis, I've lost a lot of my ability to read this week. It's heartbreak into heartbreak. I feel brain-sore and unstitched. But I did finish one book of poems. Poems show up, some of the best are bite-sized, and they give me a little hope, a little mind-healing.

Restoration seems nearly impossible, but I've got to seek it on a small scale. Coming home, I took comfort in the familiar, in my own space. My armchair, my books, my mirror, my pajamas, my purple silk rose hiding in a glass Dr. Pepper bottle on top of the fridge.

Trauma can displace us and rip away our stories. We have to hold right to our stories and the stories of others, professional storytellers or not. Stories are one of the only treatments for just about anything, whether we tell or listen and whether we write or read. Without stories, I think I would burst with salt water.

I have had two good, unexpected phone calls, Those restored me a bit.

Some of the goslings by the pone are still cute. A cushion in supporting my sore upper back. I've been think about past and future gifts.

A Bold Reader: Week 21.

I've tried, but I haven't read much this week. Reading is one of the first joys and abilities I lose when all goes wrong. I did manage to finish Poisoned Apples. I love fairy tale retellings, and the poetry form was a brave idea. I replaced Poisoned Apples with Luckily by Kelle Groom. I think this is my third Kelle Groom book. Amazingly, I really didn't fall behind on my poetry reading.

Bruce and I are several--well, 15--stories into The Unreal and the Real. I'm enjoying it overall.

Josh is going to pick up The Haunting of Hill House at his college library for me. I need to get back to 'Salem's Lot. I'm so curious about what makes horror writing effective.

I only have a few more weeks in my YA focus. Mistress of All Evil (Maleficent) with my #5, but I'd like to try to get in one more book.

Soon, short story summer will be here. I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to read one or two volumes of Best American Short Stories. I have one, but Josh can probably find more at his college.

I'm trying to hold onto reading with both hands. I need it, and my family needs me to have it. Back to the books.

Story Snippet: The Little Thief.

I have a confession to make. When I lived with my parents, I stole from them.

I stole books from my mother and music and movies from my father. Much of the spoils went back to their rightful owners when I moved out. But I still have Mom's purple Little Women and Dad's Goo Goo Dolls Dizzy up the Girl and Bladerunner.

Of course, they shared these worlds with me pretty freely, but I wanted the objects on the shelf in my closet. It's a need e-books (though I now love them) and music files can't fulfill.

The more I think about it, the more grateful I am to my parents for opening these worlds that often make life worth living.

Marveling at What I Already Have.

I'm a collector. I make good use of my collection, but I need to make more of a habit of appreciating and using what I have.

When I started keeping a journal in earnest, I bought my journals one at a time and filled them in about two weeks. I had a fantasy of having dozens of journals to choose from at home--all styles, colors, and designs. Now, I have that. I'll buy a journal if it is very special, but I mostly just choose from a green bin with white polka dots under my bed.

I have enough reading material to last years, so a new book has to be pretty special. I love finding good used books. I have several $1.99 e-books that don't take up any room. Having books near me, even electronically, makes me feel calm.

As an older teen, I fantasized about having fancy makeup and many expressive options. I dreamed of colors and glitter. And now, I have so much awesome makeup. Putting on makeup is play time. I don't really need anything--only an unusual color or an intensity glitter finish will tempt me.

I have pens to last a year or more. Pens are essential, and new ones are always welcome. I just occasionally add pens here and there--maybe one red Stardust Gelly Roll. I organize my pens by color and use a pouch to hold the colors I'm using in my current journal. Right now, the pouch holds pink and green pens. I love organizing anything by color. I have pens in color-coded mugs all around the house, and the pens serve as a reminder of the writer I am and the writer I want to be.

I'm thankful for all I have in these areas. They are multiple dreams come true.

Restoration: Week 20.

I'll never see dark blue glass the same way again.

This week has been rough. A family tragedy kept Mom and I from going on a trip to Nashville, where I would see my dearest friend, Keely. I managed to stay mostly calm. I wanted to be brave for everyone. But finally, when my dad's wife arrived, I hugged her and cried. I guess I didn't feel like I had to take care of her, so for a few minutes, I wasn't strong. Later, I had a few minutes of having no idea where I was. But it passed.

Before that, I read two books of poetry. Poetry has been filling some need in me beyond reading in general. I'm going to read up all the poetry in the house!

Our trip to Charlotte began well. We had brunch with my dad on Saturday. I ate pecan pancakes for the second time in two days. I'm not sorry. Michelle stopped by briefly, so I could give her a present (makeup!). I love giving people gifts.

And I received a gift from Mom: a short-sleeved light gray top with silver all over and interesting layered, gathered sleeves. I was so excited to get another top that fits, and I love the shimmer. I also gave Mom a Mother's Day gift (makeup and magazines, including a lipstick she once complimented on me). I gave Shane a late birthday gift of a framed print of Oliver's recent school picture and a lot of caramel chocolates.

Mom and I played beauty shop! She dyed my hair "soft black" (I pick the correct box only because I recognize the model), trimmed my hair, and cleaned up my eyebrows. I'd already painted my nails, so I felt pretty good.

When I found out what was happening, I decided to take the time to shower, brush my hair, put on makeup, and put on regular clothes. I think this helped me--I sort of looked brave.

So in spite of everything, I think I restored my courage and renewed my confidence in that courage. I made connections with family. I restored my sense of beauty--I love Snow White hair!

Despite the fear, nausea, and confusion, I did experience some restoration.

A Bold Reader: Week 20.

This past week, I finished two books of poetry: The Beauty by Jane Hirshfield and Five Kingdoms by Kelle Groom. I liked both. I've replaced the books with American Primitive by Mary Oliver--I've wanted to read more of her work--and Poisoned Apples by Christine Heppermann. Kelle Groom and Mary Oliver are becoming two of my favorite poets. And Poisoned Apples is dark and drenched with fairy tales. It also has shadowed photographs.

Bruce and I are liking Ursula K. LeGuin's stories now. The book has 39 stories. I like talking about stories.

I've not finished the Disney Villains series, but I hope to this week. I definitely want to pack in some more young adult lit in the next month. I also want to read more magazines. I have so many, and they are soothing or inspiring without requiring much effort.

So many books are waiting for me, especially the Bible. My stack includes YA, horror, stories, and creative nonfiction. I want to make this a great reading wee. I need to practice focusing. Reading makes me myself.

My Flaws.

Here is a small selection of my faults:

• I can be bossy and controlling.
• I'm not a good guest I don't know how to help, and I get so sleepy.
• I have adult acne--bummer.
• I'm afraid of museum mannequins.
• I'm afraid of taxidermy in museum settings.
• I don't pay attention when I walk across the road.
• I get in people's way and have no idea they're there.
• I have expensive taste in makeup.
• I have an unpleasant resting face.
• I have something of a soda addiction.
• I'm terrible at making friends and worse at keeping them.
• I'm the worst at painting my nails. 

A Willing Mind: 1 Chronicles 28:9.

I saw this phrase when I was reading the Bible, and I wondered what it meant. What does a willing mind do? Here are my thoughts:

A willing mind

• Is open to new conversation topics.
• Is not intimidated when picking up a large or complex book.
• Is open to learning from others.
• Is able to acknowledge varying strengths and intelligence in others.
• Is comfortable talking about others' beliefs.
• Is non-judgmental
• Asks huge questions and tiny questions.
• Learns eagerly. 
• Considers all new knowledge valuable.
• Forms mental and emotional connections easily.
• Does not shy away from the opportunity to learn something complex.
• Is open to God's peace.
• Is empathic and considerate.
• Accepts love gladly.
• Uses available resources well.
• Stuffs itself with stories.
• Appreciates art easily.
• Accepts good advice. 

I only have some of these qualities (and sometimes, probably none), but it's a list to strive for.

I Insist Upon:

• Trying to add beauty to everything.
• Thick leggings.
• Long shirts.
• Sturdy journal paper.
• Sparkly shoes.
• Regular oatmeal (as in not low sugar!).
• Carrot cake without raisins.
• Baked goods with nuts but not with fruit.
• Glimmering eye makeup.
• Gel pencil eyeliners.
• The Royal Albert Hall soundtrack of The Phantom of the Opera unless I'm in a Michael Crawford mood.
• Pens that are beautiful, colorful, glittery, or metallic.
• Reading every day, even if it's only a little.

Story Snippet: The Song He Wants.

For the past few weeks, I've often listened to The Greatest Showman soundtrack while I get ready. Recently, I noticed that Oliver was singing, and I realized he was singing "The Is Me." I hurried with my phone and played the song. He turned to me with this little smile that said, "You know me."

We danced to the song, and we've done this a few times now. It's extra special because both Oliver and I have conditions that make us different from other people in some major ways. But we love each other.

Restoration: Week 19.

I read a lot of poetry this past week. I think it keeps me healthy somehow. It certainly makes me think in unusual ways.

Bruce and I have watched most of Electric Dreams, based on Philip K. Dick stories. Every episode has been good. Science fiction makes me think about what it means to be human...or even sentient. I like sharing those thoughts with Bruce without even talking.

I wrote a flash fiction piece a few days ago! It restored a little of my confidence in my ability to write. Josh and Bruce both liked the story.

I wen to my psychiatrist and had my medication adjusted. I hope this small change will restore my peace of mind and remind me how to be free.

A Bold Reader: Week 19.

I finished one book this past week: Rita Dove's Selected Poems. I've been working on that one for a long time, and I enjoyed it. That puts me at 29/50 books for the year! I'm going to reach my annual reading goal.

I replaced Dove with Susan Ludvigson's new and selected poems, Sweet Confluence. I loved Everything Winged Must Be Dreaming, so I expect to love this selection.

Bruce and I started Ursula K. Le Guin's The Unreal and the Real selected stories. We didn't love the first four stories, but I'm liking the 5th so far. The book is huge. But we can handle it. I love our tiny book club.

I'll finish the Disney Villains series this week. That will give me a total of 5 spring young adult books, but I hope to read more. But I'm also looking forward to my short story summer.

The Desires of My Heart.

I read in Psalm 37, "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

I love the sound of this. What does God/David mean by this? I suppose many shallow and selfish desires don't come from the heart. What does my heart truly desire?

• Financial independence 
• No debt from lenders
• No debt from family
• Peace day and night
• Focus
• Full gratitude
• Energy for everything
• Good friends
• Smooth school days for Oliver
• Josh's feeling my love
• Travel, someday
• A solid marriage
• Oliver's security and joy
• Oliver's catching up quickly
• Great reading stamina

What does your heart desire?

Ink-Stained Life.

I have a black-blotched indentation on my middle finger. This, of course, means I've been writing a lot today, and that is something to celebrate!

This apartment is full of ink. I have several heavy glass bottles of colorful ink. But I also have little tubes and cartridges of ink inside pens all around the house--drawers, mugs, pouches. So much potential! Also so much comfort. And so much possibility.

After our apartment building burned and Josh and Mom were briefly able to go inside, Mom brought out my glittery slip-on shoes, my makeup, and a mug of my favorite pens. Now, isn't that love and understanding?

I want ink flow to be part of my every day. Ink flows when nothing else does. Being a writer bumps into all kinds of life experiences. How will I describe this in my journal? I wish I had pen and paper to write down this conversation I'm innocently overhearing. That guy could be a character in a new story. I know my bag is full of pens, but I can't find even one!

I plan to make this indentation permanent.

Words I Want to Describe My Life.

• full
• serene
• tranquil
• celebratory
• beautiful
• wild
• creative
• inspired
• inspiring
• safe
• joyful
• abundant
• courageous
• content
• healthy
• unique
• ink-stained
• loving
• kind
• generous
• devoted
• purposeful
• restful
• brilliant
• cozy
• artful
• studious
• poetic
• colorful
• open
• sparkling
• wonderful

And you?

Restoration: Week 18.

This past week, I finished a book with my spring YA focus. I read poetry and scripture. Still, I didn't read as much as I'd hoped. That's a challenge to tackle this coming week, restoring my reading.

Bruce took me to see a movie that was inappropriate for most audiences but hilarious. Laughter and popcorn do a lot to restore our friendship.

We also went to see Waitress, our final show of the season. Despite some sad subject matter, it mostly felt bright and happy. Theatre has also restored and refreshed our relationship, as did all the singing in the car.

I only worked out once this week, so I need to restore that habit. My body needs some serious restoration.

I finished a journal! That makes me feel as if the title of writer is restored to me.

I don't think I've developed much as a wife and mother this past week, but I will work on that. Sunday, we three managed to spend a quiet afternoon and evening together. That was restorative.

A Bold Reader: Week 18.

I finished just one book this week: Poor Unfortunate Soul. It's the third book in a four-book series about Disney villains. I like the first book, ,and I really liked the second, but I didn't like this one much. Still, I've now reader four YA books this spring! I plan on reading five as a minimum for my focus, but I hope for more. Summer will sneak up quickly!

I've been trying to keep up with my Bible and my poetry. I think that requires a bold reader!

This coming week, I hope to

• Catch up and keep up with everything
• Spend some time on books that have been waiting for my attention (such as The Broken Way and Uniquely Human)
• Finish Mistress of All Evil, the final Villains book
• Finish a book of poetry
• Finish Block's Thorn Necklace

Yes, that's rather ambitious, rather bold. But I'm going to try for it!

Waste Not; Want Not: My New Makeup Bag.

Once I realized I wasn't going back to work, I brought my office supplies home. I had pretty upright desk organizers in teal and in white. I had the idea to use them to organize my makeup. So I stored eyeshadow palettes and brushes in these organizers on my counter and a nearby book (as in nail polish and bath products) shelf. My eyeliners are wedged in the corner of the counter in a tall Ariel mug.

I've been using a beautiful lilac and cream Snow White and the Huntsman bag to store everything else: blushes, highlighters, powder, eyeshadow singles, and so on. But the bag is a bit too small. I wanted a bag that would lie down flat and have more space. I couldn't find anything that was a good size. Sephora had some good bags, but they were expensive and sold out quickly. Plus, I simply didn't have money.

Several years ago, I made a big effort to bring joy to my work life. My desk was colorful. I ever ordered a lunch box from Pottery Barn Teen: chocolate brown with multicolored polka dots and Becky stitched in purple.

I thought it was a pity that I almost never used the lunchbox anymore.

Ding! It lies flat for easy access but also stands up to take up less room. The makeup stash is still unruly, but it's an improvement, and I'm not longer wasting a lovely object. As for the Show White bag, it now holds glitters (tubes, jars) on the bookshelf in my room.

Makeup Priorities.

I've managed to whittle down my routine, so I can get ready in 30 minutes. Sometimes I sleep too long or wake up early, so I prioritize my makeup based on how much time I have. I have a lot of samples, so I get plenty of variety. I love putting on makeup! Here are the tools I use in order of importance and available time:

1. Foundation (Revlon ColorStay in Ivory)
2. Eyelash curler and mascara (whatever sample I have on hand)
3. Eye sparkle (silver  Urban Decay shadow in Uzi)
4. Translucent powder (Maybelline Fit Me)
5. Lip balm (whatever is on hand, often Burt's Bees)
6. Primer under foundation (whatever sample I have on hand, but Benefit Porefessional is my favorite)
7. Eyeshadow primer (NYX Glitter Primer)
8. Eyeshadow (often, the colors match my clothes)
9. Eyeliner (gel pencils are my favorite right now)
10. Moisturizer under primer (whatever sample I have on hand)
11. Lipstick (my favorites are Urban Decay Vice and Fresh Sugar)
12. Blush (often Too Faced--it's heart-shaped!)
13. Lip liner (whatever sample matches the lipstick)
14. Highlighter (Urban Decay's free birthday gift from last year!)

Restoration: Week 17.

I've read 10 books of poetry this year, and that is restoring my connection to poetry. I usually read  3 poetry books at once, mostly during baths. I've found two new favorites: Mary Oliver and Kelle Groom. I think my reading the poems aloud transforms the experience and probably restores a little of my confidence in my voice.

I read two fairy-tale-derived books this past week. They restored my interest in fairy tales. I love retellings, but I also want to discover tales that are new to me. I love anything that restores my curiosity.

I went for 3 walks; I hope that is helping to restore my fitness. In the gym, I'm always checking the mirrors to see Josh using the equipment. When I walk with Bruce, we talk and laugh. So I think the walks restore relationships too.

Bruce and I spent time at Barnes and at 2nd and Charles on Saturday. The outings restored my awe in and craving for books. Which ones will I choose for my limited reading life?

We also watched a couple of our favorite shows: Lore and Electric Dreams, which will continue to restore my sense of wonder.

The week was nearly full.