Words of the Year.

It's time to choose your word of the year for 2019! I'll reveal my word on New Year's Day, but here is a list of words I considered. You're welcome to take one!

• Cultivate
• Blessings
• Stories
• Embrace
• Engage
• Become
• Honor
• Believe
• Daily
• Learn
• Give
• Grow
• Reach
• Bold
• Whimsy
• Celebrate
• Grace
• Cozy
• Sparkle
• Gratitude
• Magical
• Brilliant
• Passion
• Rest
• Courage
• Abundance
• Thrill

Prelude to Christmas: With Bruce.

Bruce and I had our little Christmas celebration last Thursday. I don't wrap his gifts; I haul them in in a Pull-Ups box (with handles!). Most of my gifts to Bruce were Harry-Potter-themed. Bruce seemed to like them. Just some highlights of what Bruce gave me: a journal with pink roses and magnolias (I had to send a picture to Mom to identify the flowers), a large case of pens in various finishes, a book about mermaids (I am going to learn so much about mermaids in 2019), some of my favorite Bath and Body Works aromatherapy (Love--roses, and Sleep--Warm Milk and Honey), and Barnes and Nobel reading socks (which I've wanted forever but wouldn't buy for myself).

I have a tiny purple Moleskine notebook in which I write down what I buy and what gifts I receive. I go back through it to see if I'm using and appreciating what I have. Gifts are my primary love language, so I try to soak up all the love I can at Christmas and on my birthday. They patch me up.

The year is almost over. How will I fill next year with joy and growth?

Restoration: Week 51.

I had a good week even though I wasn't a great reader. I fell behind or worse than behind. But I enjoyed what I did read, and I tried to brighten my mind with Christmas spirit. I began a book for my winter children's literature focus: The Legend of Holly Claus.

Bruce and I finished watching season 3 and started season 4 of American Horror Story. We're enjoying it, and we have lots to watch and look forward to.

I wrapped the gifts! The guest bed is gift central (I have to keep the gifts safe from Oliver until the last minute). I loved the brush of glitter and the metallic gold details. I'm excited to watch my people open their gifts: restorative moments.

One day this past week, Josh burned one log after another, and I fell asleep beside the fire. I hope we'll have my more fires. Christmas may be ending, but winter is just beginning.

I've not done well keeping up with my blog posts, but I'll do better this week...despite the holiday rush. At the moment, I feel like I could do just about anything.

A Bold Reader: Week 51.

I didn't finish any books this past week, but I don't feel bad about it since I reached my annual goal (50 books) and my extra goal (60). Maybe I'll finish one more before the year ends, or maybe I'll just focus on the Bible, which I now want to finish by my birthday (though ideally much sooner). I'm also behind on poetry. But I read some of my book on ancient Egypt.

I looked at Christmas magazines and passed them on to Oliver for shredding. I still have a Christmas issue of Bella Grace to enjoy, and it won't go to Oliver the Shredder.

Winter began! Fall focus was a fail, but I'm going to rock this children's literature focus. I began reading The Legend of Holly Claus. I'd like to finish it this week, while the world still has that glitter.

What I Don't Plan on Doing.

Some of the best parts of my life are such because I did something I believed I'd never do. So who knows how accurate some of these will turn out to be?

I don't plan on

• getting another pixie haircut
• going blonde
• wearing colorful denim (just blue and black)
• getting a tattoo
• getting another piercing (just ears now)
• reading John Grisham
• dyeing all my hair a crazy color
• gaining anymore weight
• experiencing long (year or more) recovery
• drinking Mountain Dew or Sunkist
• drinking alcohol
• smoking
• trying any drug
• getting a dog
• quitting my meds
• joining in musical theatre
• taking singing lessons

If I Were Quite Wealthy.

• I'd buy most of my shoes and dresses from Modcloth.
• I'd buy most of my jewelry and tops from Loft.
• I'd have a few pieces from the Zales Disney Enchantment Collection.
• I'd buy one of these cabinets for the bathroom and reorganize my makeup and bath products.
• I'd use a bath bomb every night and keep or give away the rings. 
• Something interesting would come in the mail every day.
• I'd hire someone to clean our house once a week.
• I'd buy books as they'd strike me at Barnes--no checking online for a better price.
• I'd be a member of the Health Plex--pool, gym, hot tub.
• I'd buy one of those big, castle-like apartments in Charlotte, if only for visits.
• I'd try new activities for Oliver--music lessons, dance, drama, gymnastics...
• I'd rent a sweet house locally (Josh would probably still want to work) with four bedrooms--both a guest room and a study...with a master suite and a massive bathtub.
• I'd have a hot tub.
• I'd help family with medical bills and such.
• I'd pay off the last credit card.
• I'd have room to store and display my journals.
• I'd go to Mrs. Grossman's sticker factory.
• I'd see Phantom in NYC and the West End.
• I'd buy us bikes and ride mine in the neighborhood.
• I'd take Bruce somewhere to see Sunset Boulevard. 
• I'd buy my mom a glass case and slowly fill it with dolls.
• I'd have a fancy aquarium. 
• I'd buy more wood-wick candles.
• I might take a cooking class.
• I'd go to Washington, DC with Bruce and visit the museums. We'd take the train.
• I'd take my mom to ballets all over the state.
• I'd try more new foods.
• I'd grocery shop at Harris Teeter.
• I'd bring back the Disney Store.
• I'd take my family to Disney World for 10 days--time to rest and swim between parks.
• I'd rent a skating rink one night every week.
• I'd take Josh to the UK.
• I'd have an antique claw foot bathtub full of pens.
• I'd have high tea with my mom once a month.
• I'd rent a boat at Lake Norman and go swimming once or twice a month.
• I'd get Josh into a digital photography class.
• I'd buy a real, mother-of-pearl pair of opera glasses.

Restoration: Week 50.

This year is almost over. I've failed at some of my goals, and I've succeeded at others. My word of the year has been Restoration, and I have a couple of weeks left with it. I have been thinking about my word of the year for 2019, and I'll be asking others about their words. Some 2018 words have been Wellness, Advocate, and Balance. I hope I've supported these.

A great discovery: I got Cover FX glitter drops in a $21 beauty subscription box. The drops are usually $35+. I plan on using my next round of Amazon points to buy another color, maybe the icy blue. In any case, the color looked too dark for me but when I mixed a drop or two with my foundation, wonderful shimmer appeared all over my face. I love it! It's definitely a new priority in my makeup routine, and it reminds me what kind of person I want to be (the kind who wears glitter drops!).

I found a beautiful top at Old Navy: deep blue velvet with ruffle sleeves and all-over glitter. It's so pretty, and the price went down to $7 (!), so I have the other colors too: charcoal and rose-petal pink.
Obviously, glitter keeps me going.

I finished the poetry book Red Trousseau. I started the poetry book Firstborn (Louisa Gluck's first book). And I reached my extra goal of 60 books! I think I'm restoring my confidence in myself as a reader.

On Friday, while Oliver was at school, Josh and I had a fire with a two-hour log. Then, we did it again! We even pulled out my wonderfully snuggling mint Shabby Chic blanket. I hope we have another have another fire soon. It's a restorative luxury.

I finished my peacock quill Compendium journal and started a journal from Target: red with white polka dots for Christmas. A new journal often feels like a new chance.

And just because I felt like it, I watched Passengers again (4th time!). I want to practice not limiting myself if something is safe and gives me joy.

A Bold Reader: Week 50

This past week, I finished Red Trousseau. I began Firstborn, maybe my third Louise Gluck reading experience.

So I've reached my extra goal: 60 books this year! This hasn't been my best reading year because I didn't stay on track with the Bible or with my fall focus.

I missed a couple of poetry baths. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, so if I can read and retain, I'm pretty excited. Words still move and change lines, but I do what I can.

I gathered all the Christmas-themed magazines I could find on my shelves. I'm trying for some spirit. After I finish a magazine (with rare exceptions), I let Oliver tear it up. Right now, Oliver only wants books so that he can tear them apart, even his favorites. So influencing him to love reading is not easy.

Josh just finished reading all of Kay's books. I still miss her. My heart drops a little each time I remember that she is gone. But we still have her books.

Story Snippet: One Pink Star.

We don't have many Christmas decorations; Oliver has already been knocking down our lights-only faux tree. But I was at Target and spotted something magical for $3: a large, three-dimensional, pink glitter star. It now hangs from the review mirror in my car. Oliver regards it with wonder as "Mama's star" or "Mama's sparky star."

Tiny details can make such a difference. I learned that in part from Alexandra Stoddard (read Living a Beautiful Life!). I have a flowing purple hearts and glitter phone case. Mom recently bought her own phone case with roses on it, and she ordered a case for her friend. Attention to detail plus generosity!

The star reminds me that beauty and magical emerge for those who seek them or create them.

Nourish and Challenge.

I think these are two of the most important tasks we have: nourishing ourselves and challenging ourselves. Challenging without nourishing leads to breakdowns, real or perceived failure, and overall instability. Nourishing without challenging leads to complacency and stagnation. Balancing the two, I think, is a daily and a long-term goal.

When I was teaching, challenges were constant, and I took on more than I had to. At first, I worked even while I ate, and I rarely took the time for anything else. I answered student E-mails at midnight. Working hard felt good until I could no longer withstand it. I was breaking under real and (equally terrible) perceived pressure. I didn't have time or energy for my life-long passions. I wasn't reading enough. I was stuck. Of course, now we know that mental illness played a major role, but I think this can happen without mental illness too.

Now that I'm not teaching, those two goals are still vital. I have to challenge myself: tough books, writing exercises, blog upkeep, and daily learning.

While I don't think I have an eating disorder, I do think I have to be vigilant about nourishment. I need to read books for the sheer joy of it--children's and young adults' books, books on creativity, old favorite books. Reading is one of the best ways I know to nourish a mind and heart.

I also have to work in human contact, if only to talk to another parent in a therapy waiting room. That's both a challenge and nourishment for me. And I need to absorb beauty--art books, great movies, and deep or simply fun magazines.

I'd like to have a coin with Nourish on one side and Challenge on the other.

Restoration: Week 49.

Stories are like sparkling stitches, and I've been reading a lot of stories this past week. I finished one collection and started another. Though I should be focused on fall (creative non-fiction), I'm stuck (happily) on stories as if this were summer.

Bruce and I finished season two of American Horror Story. Murder House was dark. Asylum was darker. What comes next? I'd love to write for a show like that. I wonder if I could write something that could scare anyone.

The Michael Ball CD Josh found for me is my favorite at the moment. I remember my grandparents playing "Love Changes Everything." They gave me some good coping strategies.

I got to see Dad briefly. He was waiting with a Shirley Temple. Oliver talks about his grandparents almost constantly.

I'd like to discover some new Christmas music. I think Michael Crawford has a Christmas album. It's sort of weird hearing Phantom singing Christmas songs, but Erik gets to celebrate too.

I only have to buy for one more person, and I've got most if not all the wrapping I need. I even got some I like (hot pink with white snowflakes) for Josh to use. More and more, I'm learning simply to ask for what I want.

The other night, I was feeling rough. I couldn't do much of anything. Finally, I went to Target. I latched onto the red everywhere and the sparkle all over. That's when I bought gift bags and tissue. And always, I got a pack of Pentel Sparkle Pop pens. Another set to plant and grow.

A Bold Reader: Week 49.

I finished Bad Motel, a collection of 100-word stories. I'm only one week away from my extra goal (60 books). I came quite close to finishing Red Trousseau, poems by Carol Muske-Dukes. I'll certainly finish it this week. And what's next?

Bruce and I will finish Acceptance soon. A little of the mystery is unspooling.

I have two failures to deal with. I have almost no chance of finishing the Bible this year (and I have no good reason), and I've done almost nothing with my fall focus (memoirs, dairies, creative non-fiction). Well. I still have a few weeks to make progress.

Using Amazon points, I bought Best Small Fictions 2018, available only in print so far. I'm going to keep digging for stories, especially super-short ones. I hope stories will then bubble to the surface of me. I try to keep nourishing and challenging my mind--perhaps the most important tasks for a person's self-care.

Restoration: Week 48.

For me, Christmas only comes one way: the three bell chimes on the first song on Aaron Neville's Soulful Christmas. I played the song the day after that Thanksgiving. And Josh made a Christmas playlist with some of his favorite bands, my Aaron Neville Christmas album, and our shared James Taylor's Christmas. I want to listen to more Christmas music and feel its soft hug and rejuvenation.

This past week, I read many tiny stories and finished the collection Bad Motel. I also read several old Christmas magazines and found more issues. The Christmas spirit soothes me and reconnects me to wonder and joy.

My current journal is one from one of favorite brands: Compendium. It's a slim but fairly large journal. The cover is soft, but the is remarkably sturdy. I looked inside the back cover--Josh gave e this journal and others like it for my 28th birthday. But it seems so recent! This journal is green and blue with a peacock quill pen.

I fell asleep in the bath for a couple of hours.

I had a meeting with Oliver's teacher and a special ed coordinator. We laughed and told silly stories about Oliver. Next year, he will be in a combined 2nd and 3rd class for children with autism. I feel pretty good about it.

I went to see the doctor, complaining of a sinus infection. The PA confirmed my self-diagnosis and put me on antibiotics. I'm feeling much better right now, restored.

I've been thinking about it for years, but a 50% off sale came along, and I bought a Life Straw. Having been without water just for a little while, I want to be prepared to drink that gross pond water!I feel partly restored every time I drink cold, clear water.

Bruce and I are still enjoying American Horror Story. Our twice-a-week show nights renew my curiosity and my love of good, complex story telling.

I got a special cover for the overflow drain in the bathtub. I've taken deeper baths, which is just lovely. Bath and poetry time is one of my most restorative daily rituals.

Josh asked if I'd lost weight. I don't know if I have, but hearing that restored a little of my confidence and hope.

I've begun wearing my new coat (which I got for half price!). It's heavy and mid-thigh length. It's lilac ice. I love having a coat that fits well and really warms me, and the color delights me.

Opportunities for restoration seem to be everywhere.

A Bold Reader: Week 48.

Bruce and I finished Authority this past week. Weird! I wonder how much the final book in the trilogy will reveal or explain. We started it--Acceptance--so we're going to find out! We've already chosen our next book, which will be quite different.

I'm quite close to finishing Bad Motel. I read more than a dozen of those tiny stories (more than one per day!). They strike me as so brave. I've written flash fiction--but 100 words? Dang.

I went through six magazines this past week, most of them old Christmas issues to get me in the spirit. My main motivation was, of course, Oliver--he's always looking for something new to shred. But I thoroughly enjoyed the magazines before handing them over.

I have two Christmas issues of Bella Grace, which I plan to keep. It's a beautiful magazine, and I always check for the next issue at Barnes. It's expensive, but it's a thick quarterly--worth it!

I'm ever so behind on my Bible, and I don't even know why. But I'm working at it. I'll finish it, even if not by New Year's Eve. Still, I'm pushing myself. I'll read less of other books. I'll be bolder.

58 books this year! Reaching my extra goal of 60 will be no problem. My total is 645 books. I hope I can reach a total of 1,000 books by the time I turn 40.

If I Were More Courageous.

(and had more time...and more money...)

• I'd attempt new writing.
• I'd edit and submit old writing.
• I'd buy skates and skate in the parking lot.
• I'd brave the quick kids and go to a skating rink, even if just by myself.
• I'd do karaoke.
• I'd light a match.
• I'd go get a chair massage at the mall.
• I'd give cooking another try.
• I'd be able to enjoy travel and visits more.
• I'd work out or swim often.
• I wouldn't look away during horror movies.
• I'd take dance lessons--modern, tap, return to Irish step....
• I'd get involved in community theatre.
• I might pierce my nose--just a tiny sparkle on one side.
• I might get a tattoo, a Carl Sagan quotation on my left side.
• I'd read the challenging books.
• I might try a church.
• I might learn to sew my own clothes.
• I might drive more.
• I'd be more adventurous with Oliver.
• I might have had a second child.
• I'd dye my hair teal.
• I'd actually use sparkly black eyeshadow.
• I might try painting.
• I might get manicures.
• I'd wear red more often.
• I might ruthlessly edit my wardrobe.
• I'd enjoy the Christmas spirit more thoroughly.
• I've actively pursue many forms of inspiration.

From My To-Do Wish List.

Here are some items from my to-do wish list this week:

• Respond to five prompts
• Make five blog posts
• Finish a book
• Play with stickers
• Use chaise
• Use desk
• Fill two journal pages per day
• Paint nails
• Use face mask
• Wear a scarf
• Glitter something
• Work on French Women Don't Get Fat
• Work on Uniquely Human
• Work on 'Salem's Lot
• Work on Lena Dunham's essays
• Work on Egypt
• Set up pill box
• Find gift wrap
• Organize shoes
• Gather blue and green pens
• Try gray/silver makeup
• Watch Alice in Paris
• Look at inspiring gift book