40 before 40 Update.

I have just under three years left for my 40 before 40 goals. I'm not as far along as I'd like, but I am making progress. 

1. Read 100 Years of Solitude. I still don't know where this book is. I've considered listening to the book on CD.
2. Read The Golden Notebook. I found the book! It got lost in our move for a while. But I'm not looking forward to reading it. I think I got about one third of the way through it. It sounds like a great book, and it's one I've wanted to read since I was a teenager, but I don't actually like it. I need to start working on it a little each week. 
3. Read the New Testament (if not the whole Bible). I found my Daily Bible, and I'm somewhere in August. I was doing well with reading it every day for a while, but I've fallen off that. I'm stuck in the Old Testament, Jeremiah. It's not a good place to be stuck. But I still want to try to finish the Bible this year.
4. Read Dracula. Not yet.
5. Read Frankenstein. Not yet.
6. Finish the Harry Potter series. Done. Bruce asked me to read it shortly after we became friends. I enjoyed it. 
7. Write 100 short stories. I'm nowhere near this. I've probably only written several stories in my 30s. 
8. Write a novel. I wrote a novella--count it!
9. Make a new poetry collection. I finished two books of poetry, and I'm working on a third. I also finished two chapbooks.
10. Attempt to publish at least two books. I have my first two books of poetry under consideration now, and I've sent out the two chapbooks.
11. Try a magnetic nose stud. I tried the real thing! It was kind of a pain, and I couldn't get it back in after I got home from the hospital, but it was fun.
12. Fill more journals than I buy. This is probably happening this year since it's a NoBuy. I've gotten about five journals this year as presents or with birthday money, and I've filled more journals than that so far this year. But I still have a ton of journals, which I like. 
13. Reduce credit card debt by half or more. I already paid it all off and ran a lot back up, so I don't know if this one counts. I'm working on paying them down, especially since I'm doing NoBuy2022. We'll see where I am when I turn 40.
14. Reach and maintain a healthy weight. I've lost 15 pounds in the last couple of months, so I'm making progress on this one. 
15. See a show on Broadway or at the West End. Done! I saw three shows on Broadway last Christmas. It's one of the coolest things I've ever done!
16. Visit the UK. This is unlikely to happen. I may add it to my 50 before 50 list.  
17. Keep up with my library's new releases. I have been checking out some new releases that look interesting, so this one is in progress. 
18. Read all of Ann Patchett's books. I think I've read four (Patron Saint of Liars, Bel Canto, Truth and Beauty, and This Is the Story of a Happy Marriage). I have about...nine to go? Oh dear. 
19. Visit Ann Patchett's bookstore. This is in Nashville. I don't have plans to go, but I'd like to.
20. Read all Oz books. We've read seven! So we have eight left.
21. Read all Wrinkle in Time books. Done! I read the Time Quintet to the boys.
22. Rent a just-right house. Here we are. 
23. Attend touring shows each year. I've done this every year despite COVID (just two shows in 2020), and I plan on keeping my season tickets!
24. Take some kind of class. I totally did this! I took a ten-week Healing and Writing class with Francesca Lia Block, a four-week magical realism class with FLB, a con ed drawing class at FTCC, and a four-week YA novel writing class with Emily Colin--all last year!
25. Try an unnatural hair color. I've attempted to dye my hair green twice, but I don't think I'm willing to bleach it. I'm calling this done.
26. Read half or more of Neil Gaiman's books. Okay, he has a lot of books. I've read The Ocean at the End of the Lane, Coraline, The Sleeper and the Spindle, and Study in Emerald. I own Fragile Things and Trigger Warning. But I have a long way to go.
27. Stay at the Wilderness Lodge again. This probably won't happen. Maybe 50 before 50?
28. Win or place in a writing contest. I've entered several contests in my 30s but haven't won or placed yet. 
29. Read 10 or more Pulitzer Prize-winning books. In my 30s, I've read Break the Glass, Late Wife, The Underground Railroad, NIckel Boys, Native Guard, American Primitive, and Stag's Leap. So that's seven! 
30. Read 5 or more books of poetry a year (50 total). Done and surpassed! I've read 105 books of poetry in my 30s.
31. Try a support group. I haven't really done this, and I don't really want to. I have done group therapy...does that count?
32. Try Kindle publishing. I doubt I'll do this one before I'm 40. 
33. See Sparkle Scribbles to 100,000 views. I'm at 171,169!
34. Read all Austen books. I own all the novels, but I still have to read three of them. I'll probably try to read the stories as well. 
35. Read all Bronte books. I've read Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, and The Professor (Josh and I read that one together last year). So I still have three novels, and I may try to read Emily's poetry. I own all the books.
36. Read all Jeffrey Eugenides books. I've only read The Virgin Suicides and Fresh Complaint, so I have a few to go. 
37. Make daily use of my lovely secretary desk (from Mom and Shane) and denim chaise (for which I taught an extra summer class). I mostly use my desk to store stationery and ink, so I use it often when I'm writing with fountain pens. I play with stickers on my chaise. I need to use both of them more. 
38. Take Oliver to shows. This may not happen, but I'd like to try if we find something informal. 
39. Gain more control over anxiety, fear, and dread. I've definitely done this since we are in our new house (no more angry neighbors) and Oliver is in a good school (no more virtual learning...or at least very little). Anxiety is still a problem sometimes, but I am much less fearful, and while dread was a daily feeling, I rarely feel it now.
40. Continue to sparkle, even if I'm "too old." I'm sparkling at least as much as ever! I just got some more glitter for my birthday. And I plan on sparkling for the next three years and beyond.

So that's 15/40 with some progress toward more. I have a lot of reading to do. 

On Letting Go.

I've had experiences lately of people's hurting me and then doubling down on it when I express hurt. I've decided that in those cases, I just have to let those people go, no matter how major or minor their role in my life may be. 

It's mostly an adjustment for me in how I relate and how I perceive safety. I reach a point at which I can no longer feel safe with a person. Sometimes that takes years. Sometimes it happens quickly or suddenly. I don't have full control over it. 

I try to let the person know what's happening so they have a chance to help me stop it. Sometimes they really do, and sometimes they dig in. Sometimes, it's just the last thing, the straw, and I can't do anything to fix it. 

In a couple of cases, I've completely removed the person from my life. With others, I keep my distance to varying degrees. 

My primary goals are to stay sane and take care of my family (in that order--because I can't take care of anyone if I'm not sane), so I do what I need to do. I've had to make some hard decisions with this, but so far, I don't regret any of them.

Stillness & Attention: Week 25.

Day 1: Saturday. We started the day early by getting ready and going to get groceries as a family. Oliver acted like he's been going to the grocery store for years! He only asked for donuts; he got those in lieu of his weekly McD hashbrowns. 

I changed into a hot pink Betsey Johnson dress with a wide ruffle and put on my birthday crown necklace. Bruce picked me up, and we listened to show tunes on the way to Durham. We arrived in plenty of time for our customary snack of soft pretzels and peanut M&Ms. I didn't expect to love Jesus Christ Superstar; the subject matter is rough, and I'm usually not crazy about concert-style musicals (I didn't love Hadestown at first). But it was awesome! So much talent was on that stage: incredible singing and such vigorous choreography. I was totally into it. 

I had a couple days last week Dr. Pepper started tasting normal again. It's tasted weird for most of about two months since I had strep. At first, I lost smell and taste completely, and I tested for COVID several times. But the weird taste came back. Bruce solved the mystery: it's the medication I started taking two months ago. It's an anti-depressant that also helps with weight loss. I forgot to put it in my pill box last week, so my taste returned to normal. I've also been having trouble reading, but last week, I read four books, two of them in one day each. My doctor told me that the medication might make me less "bright." So I'm going to try another week without the medication and see what happens to my weight loss, my taste, and my reading. Quicker weight loss doesn't make up for a loss of books and Dr. Pepper. Stayed tuned for that experiment. 

We got home a little earlier than usual since JCS didn't have an intermission, so I got to hang out with the boys before bedtime. I also read a little more of Wilder Girls. I only have a couple more days before summer begins, so this will be my last book for the spring YA focus. That will put me at eight YA books for the season. I'd prefer ten or twelve, but eight is okay. I'll still read the newest version of Anne Frank's diary soon. 

Day 2: Sunday. We had a quiet day at home. Oliver must have gotten his fill of outdoor activity yesterday. I read nine chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys, and then I read the final sixty pages of The Art of Losing to Josh. So I finished a book! We're going to read Joyful next for a change in tone. My mood has been heavier this month, so I'm hoping we'll both pick up some ideas. 

I made a lot of vegetable fried rice, using half brown rice and half riced cauliflower with corn, broccoli, carrots, sugar snap peas, sweet peas, baby corn, and red peppers. I did my workout today (I've fallen off that wagon over the last week), and Josh and I did yoga together (we've both fallen off that). We're also getting back into sharing our best three to five things from the day. I'm trying to put my good habits back together.

My ZURU mini purses arrived today! Now, I have a pink and white marbled zipper pouch just for tiny things. I'm leaving it out on the counter for now, and I look inside whenever I'm making food for Oliver. It's literally the little things. 

Day 3: Monday. I was determined to make today count. I've been listless a lot at home lately, too unfocused or unsettled to read effectively or pursue many of my habits. This morning, I spent a few minutes with Josh before he went to work. I read a letter he wrote to me in the notebook we share, and I wrote back to him. He had suggested that we each write a poem about something the other loves, so I wrote a poem called "The Run." It was my first poem of the month! I don't know if it's very good, but I feel great about having written it. I like Josh's writing assignments. 

I caught up on reading for the magazine, which is always a relief. Oliver has been in a good mood, playing outside a lot. I was able to zoom in on my words, stillness and attention, and really focus on a book. I read over two hundred pages of Wilder Girls and finished it. It was really good! I wish I knew what happened next. I plan to read Rory Power's other YA novel; HQ library has it, so I'll probably pick it up on Friday. I've decided to start going to the library on Fridays after Josh gets home from work: a little outing just for me after finishing the week. That's when I'll return books and pick up holds. 

I then finished my Hello Gorgeous Studio Oh journal. I'm going to start my cats and books journal from Strand. I love writing in journals that others have given me as gifts. I always write down who gave me the journal and when inside the back cover so I'll remember. 

Day 4: Tuesday. Today has had a slower start. I got caught up in something that upset me and had some self-doubt. It worked out, but I don't want to sink today. I talked to my therapist on the phone, catching her up on what's happened over the last month. While we talked, I decorated the pages of my Peter Pauper Press Song of Songs journal with stickers. Sometimes, every other journal I write in is PPP.

Summer begins today. That means I'm moving into reading short stories. I've had several short story summers; I think this is number 11. For this one, I want to read TWELVE story collections. These are the ones I want to read:

1. The Art of the Story: an anthology of contemporary short stories by writers all over the world. Bruce and I chose this as one of our birthday books. This is a big one, so we're planning to start it right away and go story by story.
2. Wild Swims: a Man Booker International Prize finalist translated from Danish; a short collection I asked the library to purchase (they did!). It's due in a few days.
3. Thirteen Stories and Thirteen Epitaphs: I don't remember anything about this one, but I know I asked the library to buy it, and I've checked it out. It's due in a few days.
4. If I Had Two Wings: a collection of southern magical realism; another book Bruce and I chose.
5. Christina Rivera Garza New and Selected Stories: a book I picked up from the new release shelf at the library.
6. Dreadful Young Ladies: an adults' speculative collection I own by Kelly Barnhill, who wrote The Girl Who Drank the Moon, which I recently read to the boys (and loved). 
7. Clarice Lispector's Collected Stories: I've just read that I must read her. This is a big one. I currently have it on hold at the library.
8. The Ocean House: another collection I asked the library to purchase. I read about it in a magazine, and I plan to pick it up on Friday. Full disclosure: I checked it out before but didn't get to it.
9. Cities I've Never Lived In: same as Ocean House.
10. Best American Short Stories 2021: the annual anthology. I want to be the kind of person who reads this (and Best American Poetry and Best American Essays) every year. I've read BAP 2021, so I'll read this one this summer and BAE 2021 this fall. The 2022 anthologies will come out late in the year. I'm wondering if anyone would like to read them with me. This one is on its way from another library; why doesn't ours have it?
11. Starry-Eyed: an anthology of sixteen YA stories involving theatre. How fun is that? I got the book from the library.
12. The Way Spring Arrives and Other Stories: one of the most specific collections I've ever seen. It's an anthology of speculative stories that female and non-binary authors have written, edited, and translated from the Chinese. Amazingly, I was able to get it from another library. 

A few of these are quite long. It's going to be a challenge. But I can read four story collections per month for three months. Anyway, I'm so far ahead on my reading goal that I can take my time if I need to. But I have other library books to remember as well! I hope to get a good start, starting today. 

I'd also really like to catch up on Best Small Fictions: I have 2019 and 2021 waiting. I have 2020 somewhere (Amazon says I bought it in January 2021), but I can't find it. So maybe make that five story collections a month, plus the other library books. Well, we'll see how far I'll get!

Ah, I found 2020. I'm working on a short story collection stack to keep myself on track visually.

Day 5: Wednesday. Today was a hard day. I had a difficult event and took most of the day to recover from it. I have a lot of questions for myself, and I don't know how to answer them. 

Oliver spent lunchtime on campus with Josh. He ate a lot of chips and Reeses cups and did well (who wouldn't?). 

I did have a victory today though: I paid off Oliver's major therapy bill ($980!) with leftover funds from his ESA. I didn't know if I'd be able to, but I got the confirmation today. And the therapy center takes on the fee, so we don't owe a dime. And it looks like I may be able to pay off another, smaller therapy bill the same way. 

Day 6: Thursday. Driving day! Oliver started on a meltdown right before I got ready. I told him we were going to see Marmee, which kind of redirected him. He's always great in the car. I listened to The Testaments. It's quite good, and I almost wish I had to drive more so I could listen to it more. 

We met Mom at Discovery Place in Rockingham. Oliver has been there several times but not since the pandemic started. He was extremely anxious when we arrived. He tried to run from me out the door and into the street twice. I picked him up and told him he didn't have to play. He eventually became curious and ran to the fire truck. His getting up on the fire truck took many tries, but he did it. Luckily, we almost had the place to ourselves, and the staff was nice about turning down the club-level music. We went up and down the elevator (stairs were too much). He ended up smiling, playing, and jumping but said after about an hour, "Wanna go to Marmee and Papa's house." 

Mom had given me birthday presents that I didn't really get to look at until later. This birthday was Ariel-themed; I love themed presents. She gave me an Ariel ballerina doll that is wearing sparkles and aqua ballet slippers. It's something I'd seen and liked but probably wouldn't have bought for myself (certainly not this year). Keeping with the theme of tiny things, she gave me a miniature silver Ariel backpack full of tiny stationery supplies, including a bitsy notebook and pen and the tiniest page flags I've ever seen (I love page flags). And she gave me a lovely aqua and white Ariel satchel purse, saying it could be my summer purse. The back shows the underwater castle! 

The drive home went quickly with my audio book, but I missed Oliver, especially when I was home by myself for an hour. We've only been apart for three nights once when we went to New York. But once I picked up Josh from work, I started to feel happy about our extended weekend. We picked up Chinese food--chicken and broccoli for me. It was delicious. Now we can get in bed and talk, something we don't get to do much.

Day 7: Friday. Josh didn't have to work this morning because he's chaperoning at a baseball game tonight. Waking up with Josh was so nice. Normally, Oliver stomps into our room and wakes us. But we slept until close to 8 today and weren't in a hurry to get up. Josh went for a late-morning run while I sat in the sunlight and scribbled. When Josh got back, we rested again, and then he tackled the cleaning while I picked up the house and put away laundry. I also put new jewelry (which I ordered with birthday money) on London--so gorgeous!

The library called me and said I had some books waiting; the automatic alert system is out. So we went to the library. I climbed the stairs without getting winded and tachy! I checked out ten books, six of them holds, most of them short story collections from my list. Josh smiled at the way I said, "Yes, please," when the library staff member asked if I wanted to check out my holds and the stack I'd brought down. I stuffed my tote bag (the one I used when I was teaching), and we went to Walgreens. We picked up meds, Dr. Pepper, and sheet protectors (Oliver's favorite thing...he needs some fresh ones). 

We had some time to rest before Josh had to go to the baseball game for work. He napped while I contemplated everything and nothing contentedly. When Josh left, I got straight into a hot bath. I had some anxiety about today's events (the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade) but didn't really know how to express them since the subject is a slippery one for me. I believe I would not terminate a healthy pregnancy. But what about unhealthy pregnancies? What happens when a pregnancy will not result in live birth or the mother is in danger? And what's next? It's scary, and I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it as everyone I care about leans heavily on one side or the other. 

But I read fifty pages of Wild Swims, the first collection I'm tackling. The stories are spare and strange without speculation. I can't see myself pulling off stories like Nors's. It's a brief collection, so I hope to finish it quickly. But I don't know how much reading I'll do this weekend since all I want to do is be around Josh.

Stillness & Attention: Week 24.

Day 1: Saturday. Josh had to work today because his program had orientation. He didn't have to stay late though. I'd told Bruce to choose our first tiny book club birthday book, and he chose The Other by Thomas Tryon, a book I noticed in the horror section last month. So I started it today. And I finished it. I basically read all day. It was great. I gave the book 4 stars--creepy and surprising with a strong atmosphere. Far from complaining about my being absorbed in a book all day, Josh twice told me how proud he is of all the reading I've been doing. Immersing myself in books does feel wonderful, and it makes me feel like myself. So that's four books this week, which was my goal. It's five books for the month, which is fine. I still hope to read thirteen books in June.

Day 2: Sunday. I was a little down today, anxious about tomorrow. I'll be taking Oliver to the dentist on my own, and I don't know how it will go. 

Day 3: Monday. Today was tough. All in all, it went fairly well, but it didn't feel that way at the time. We took Josh to work so we could have the car. I got ready and told Oliver we were going to his school to pick up some papers. So we went to his school to pick up his summer worksheets (which will mean very little to him, but we'll do them). He was bewildered and wouldn't go up the second set of stairs to the office. The staff brought the packet down to us, and the principal came down to greet Oliver. He seemed relieved when we left. I told him that we were going to put some books in a big box, so we went to the library and returned eight books. He thought that was odd too, but he helped me push the books into the return slot. 

We were home for a while and then left to drive to the dentist, which is a not-so-easy thirty-minute drive. I'm a very nervous driver, especially if the route is unfamiliar. At first, they said we had to come inside to check in, and once I opened Oliver's door, he was determined to get out. So, we ended up walking in 100+-degree heat in the parking lot for about twenty-five minutes while we waited. 

The exam itself was rough. I sat sideways on the chair with the dentist's knees against mine and Oliver lying across our laps. Oliver struggled, bled, and choked. I had to hold him down. I had explained that we were going to a doctor who would look at his teeth and brush his teeth, and he seemed to remember the place from his visit with Josh, but it was still quite stressful. Luckily, the dentist was experienced and quick. As soon as Oliver was recovered, he was smiling again. We made the necessary stop for fries and got to the college just in time to pick up Josh.

Day 4: Tuesday. Last night, I fell asleep the moment I lay down and slept for about eleven hours, 7 p.m. to 6 a.m. That's probably why I've been able to handle this day. Oliver had a pretty thorough meltdown while I was trying to get ready to take him to OT. It involved my trying to play a video for him while he shouted and soap got in my eyes (I'd been trying to take a shower). After about thirty minutes, he calmed down enough that I was able to take him to therapy (I hadn't put on makeup, but I was dressed!), and he did great there. Oliver recovers so quickly from his meltdowns, and Josh and I are shell-shocked for hours afterward. OT in itself is quite a production, and I've considered canceling it. He hasn't made much progress, but that's not necessarily the therapist's fault; Oliver is not really interested in acquiring new skills. 

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'm mostly just tired. I did finish the thriller Sleepless today. It was okay. 

Day 5: Wednesday. My birthday. This wasn't the easiest birthday; Oliver had two meltdowns (one mini and one full-blown), and Josh worked most of the day. But Josh set aside his workout this morning, and we got to wake up together, which is rare and one of my favorite things. Oliver soon woke up, and we went downstairs. Josh gave me the birthday presents that have been gathering dust in his closet for months. 

London is a Madame Alexander 21-inch Cissy fashion doll. Her line name is Eighties Elegance. She has dark blond up-swept hair with ringlets, coffee-nude lips and polish, and moss green eyes. She's wearing a pale green strapless gown with flowers and embroidery. 

She has a flowering vine bracelet and matching earrings and green high-heeled sandals. I've wanted a Cissy with the classic face style for a long time, and this one is just so pretty. I hope to collect some fashions for her. She's now atop my second journal bookcase.

Josh also gave me two awesome journals. One has a sketch of books and cats; it's a Denik journal from Strand in New York City. The other is a Compoco Born to Shine firefly journal with gold shimmer details and metallic indigo page edges. 

The last present was a Betsey Johnson crown necklace densely decorated with pink, blue, and opal stones. I wore it right away. I love snowflakes, keys, seahorses, and crowns on everything, especially jewelry. 

A doll, two journals, and a necklace--pretty awesome presents.

I also received a package: my mom sent me two ZURU Mini Fashion purses! I love tiny things. These bags fit in your palm and come with itty bitty accessories like compacts that open and have mirrors, perfume bottles with removable lids, and real makeup brushes. They're so fun that I spent a little birthday money to order some more. I plan to use one of my zipper pouches to hold my favorite tiny things so I can look at them when I need a little shot of joy.

My dad was in Charlotte for a trade show, so he came to visit. We got Mash House takeout and met at his hotel lobby. Oliver was happy and pleasant (you'd never know he'd just pulled a wooden picture off the wall and thrown it at me, broken glass, or tried desperately to escape through the front door or back gate) and ate fries, ice cream, and brownie cheesecake. Josh got to pet Dad's dog Buckley. It was a nice visit. Dad and Michelle gave me some birthday money, which will be enough to pay off Oliver's OT bill. But if and when we're in a better spot financially, I may spend a little of it on fun. 

When we got home, we gave Oliver his meds, so he didn't go to bed until late. Josh and I cuddled on the couch, both pretty tired. It's been a long week already. 

Day 6: Thursday. I felt a little frozen today and didn't accomplish much. I've put stickers in both my new journals. I plan to use the Strand one next. I scribbled a lot, read a lot for the magazine (caught up!), and did a few loads of laundry. Oliver got a little high-strung at one point but was mostly in a good mood. None of us is used to Josh working this much, and our whole routine is different. 

Day 7: Friday. I feel lighter today than I have the rest of the week. It's a pretty day. This is Bruce's birthday. We were ten years younger when we became friends: twenty-four and twenty-seven. That's crazy! Our lives have changed a bit since then. Oliver wasn't even a year old! Tomorrow, Bruce and I get to go to DPAC to see Jesus Christ Superstar. Show days are always joyful, and this one will be a fun way to end our birthday week. 

I'm behind on reading. Yesterday, I really only read for the magazine. I'm about one-third through Olga Dies Dreaming, and I'm tempted to give up on it. I just don't care about (or like) any of the characters. And it's quite late. I'm going to return the other two late books; I have some holds waiting on me. 

All right, I took out my bookmark and removed the book from GoodReads. If I'm avoiding reading to avoid a book, it's time to move on. I'm going to be more selective with the books I check out; I don't know what drew me to this one. Instead, I'm reading the definitive edition of Anne Frank's diary. I think I've read the more edited version twice but probably twenty years ago, yet the text is familiar. I want the diary and Wilder Girls to be my final two YA picks for spring. I only have a few more days! And Bruce and I are going to DPAC tomorrow, so I won't have a lot of reading time. It will be a great day though. 

Last Day of 36.

Every year on the day before my birthday, I think about what I've managed to do during that year. Externally, it may not seem that I've done much this year, but I have. 

I celebrated our fifteenth wedding anniversary.

I got Oliver into a good school and secured funding for it.

I've read 129 books over the last year. 

I took a YA writing class with a bestselling author and worked on some of the scary marketing aspects of publishing.

I've sent out over 250 pieces (many still under consideration) and received seven acceptances. 

I wrote a third draft of Break a Wish and then proofread with help from Josh and Bruce.

I've done scary things like taking Oliver to the dentist by myself, taking him to the eye doctor, and doing my first interview in years. 

I've lost weight and started practicing yoga.

I've traveled to New York City for the first time, my major travel dream.

I've seen several shows, including three on Broadway.

I've written some pieces I really needed to write.

I'm a little tired. But I do look forward to seeing what comes.

Stillness & Attention: Week 23.

Day 1: Saturday. We decided to be adventurous today. We took Oliver to Barnes and to the grocery store! He hasn't been to the grocery store since he could fit in the cart. I reached a fitness goal today, so Josh bought me two prizes: a new Peter Pauper Press journal and a magazine. The journal's has art from a 19th-century French edition of the Song of Songs. The magazine is Oh Reader, which I have been wanting to try out and thinking about subscribing to next year. 

We were only at Barnes for a few minutes, and we had explained to Oliver what we were going to do. The grocery store took much longer and was much brighter and busier. But Oliver did quite well. He only rarely wandered away from us (I held his hand some of the time), and he only asked for one thing (we bought the box of mini crullers). That must have been plenty of stimulation for him because he didn't ask to go to the park. I think that we can now go grocery shopping as a family, which is pretty amazing. 

We did all that before 10:30. I spent much of the day near Josh while reading Sharon Olds's poems in Blood, Tin, Straw. I finished the book, my first book of June. I want to read 13 books this month so I can read 25 by the end of July. That will bring me quite close to my goal for the year. I wonder how far I'll get in 2022. 

I got back to my exercising, doing my workout and doing yoga with Josh. I haven't sent a submission in a few days, and I'm behind on a lot of my reading. But I'm trying to get back on track.

Day 2: Sunday. I slept until 8:30 today! It was so nice. Josh went for an 8+-mile run. I hung out with Oliver and wrote in my journal. After lunch, we went to the park for two hours. I read 80 pages of poetry from The Art of Losing to Josh. We only have about 60 pages left. The poems are quite good, but after this book, we're going to read something happy. 

When we got home, I read three chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys as I did yesterday. We're not halfway through it yet. Next week, I plan to start reading the eighth Oz book to Oliver while Josh is at work. We don't have a lot of time for reading when Josh gets home. 

Thursday was an anxious day, and Friday was depressed. Yesterday was hopeful, and I think today will be hopeful too (maybe even passionate). So my mood is improving. More reading is probably helpful. I did send a submission today.

Day 3: Monday. I finished reading Winterwood. I enjoyed it, and I'll probably read more of Shea Ernshaw's books. I hope the library has them. Next on my YA list is Anatomy by Dana Schwartz. I've been working on that medical bill situation, but I'm not likely to resolve anything today. 

Josh did come home for lunch, and we did do yoga, so we got a little time together. Oliver had a meltdown with crying and yelling but no breaking. I didn't do much of what I intended to do today, but I'm trying to give myself grace as I adjust to our summer schedule. 

Day 4: Tuesday. Oliver slept late, so I got some quiet time to ponder and scribble in the morning. I also read 80 pages of Sharon Olds's Odes poems. When Josh came home for lunch, we took him back to work so I could take Oliver to OT. That was a bit of an ordeal as usual, but Oliver was in a good mood. We later picked Josh up from work and got to see his office and meet his supervisors. We three left holding hands.

Day 5: Wednesday. Last night, when the boys went to bed, I fell asleep hard on the couch under my heated throw. Josh had to wake me up so I'd go to bed. I've been quite sleepy in the evenings even though I'm sleeping well at night. I only seem to have about twelve hours of energy. 

This morning, I finished reading Odes. Next comes Sharon Olds's Arias, which is longer. Oliver got to spend some time outside before a thunderstorm came through. When Josh was home for lunch, we cuddled on the couch and watched the rain. 

Day 6: Thursday. This morning, I got an acceptance from an online journal based in the UK. It was for a poem I wrote back in 2009 while I was still a grad student. I'm enjoying the fact that both old and new poems are getting published. I still think my older poems are better because I was more in practice, more immersed in poetry. But I'm trying to read as much poetry as I can again.

I started and finished Anatomy by Dana Schwartz today! My reading a book in one day (even poetry) is pretty rare. This was great fun. 

Day 7: Friday. Today, I'm writing with a Pentel metallic Sunburst pen in violet. 

It was a good mail day. I got a birthday card from Melissa and a sticker subscription from Mrs. Grossman. I also received a small Amazon package, and I wasn't sure what it was. It turned out to be a surprise gift from my friend Jan, with whom I worked at Borders. She sent a lovely Peter Pauper Press hydrangea journal and crystal-filled, stone-stopped pens! I don't think she even knew my birthday is coming. That really brightened my day. 

I've started reading Wilder Girls as my current YA pick. I think it's going to be good. I spent a little time on Arias and Olga Dies Dreaming. I haven't been reading to the boys this week; we don't have a lot of time when Josh gets home, and I haven't felt like starting Oz 8 with Oliver. I'll try to do better next week.

This evening, Bruce and I had our birthdayte! We went to Barnes and browsed as usual. We were there for about two and a half hours. We drank coffee and talked through fiction, horror, YA, reference, new releases, and poetry. As our birthday gift to each other, we each got copies of seven books that we chose for our tiny book club. Bruce and I have read about forty books together over the last nine years, but we haven't read together much lately. We ended up with two books of short stories: one a large anthology of contemporary stories from around the world and the other a collection of southern magical realism stories; a literary science fiction book that I've been wanting to read; and four horror books! We have a lot of cross-over in our literary tastes (including our dislikes). Reading horror with a friend can be really fun. I can't wait to start these books.

Stillness & Attention: Week 22.

Day 1: Saturday. The bad news is that Oliver had another accident in our bed, so the washer, the bathtub, and the cornstarch have been at work. The good news is that I've lost another 2 pounds, which brings me to a total of 9 pounds in four weeks. I've worked out and done yoga every day for a week, and I plan to keep up that habit. Josh still does yoga with me three times a week. We've been doing that for a couple of months. His flexibility and balance have improved, and he seems less tense. I've definitely been less physically tense.

I did all my habits yesterday except sending a submission; I just ran out of time. I may try to send two today. It's time consuming. The weather is better today--no more gloom. I'm writing with a TUL metallic green pen, and it sparkles in the sunlight.

I started and finished Sharon Olds's The Dead and the Living. I thought that was book 70, but it's actually #71 for the year! It got me to ten books for the month, which is acceptable. I also read a couple of chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys, and I did my workout and yoga. Oliver didn't ask to go to the park; he spent most of the day and evening in the backyard. I'm glad he's enjoying the outdoor space. My roses are blooming!

Day 2: Sunday. I wrote a poem this morning! It's called "The Bannister." I'm happy with it. I'm happy that when I got a form rejection this morning, my response was to write a poem! Josh says it's fantastic. I sent it to him, and he paused his run to read it. Writing a poem always feels great even if it's not a very good one. I'd love to do it more often. I ought to have endless ideas. 

I read a little of Winterwood before I slept last night, but I didn't read the Bible or send a submission. Now, I have more poems to send back out. Today, we'll pack up and drive to Rockingham to meet my mom and her husband so Oliver can go to their house for two nights. We haven't done that in a few months, so I hope he'll still enjoy it. Josh and I need to sell his car tomorrow. 

I read Lost in a Book aloud on the way to Rockingham. Oliver was excited to see Mom and Shane and got right in their car. On the way home, I read poems from The Art of Losing to Josh. We stopped at Panera for two salads--Green Goddess Cobb for me and Citrus Asian Crunch for Josh, a special treat. I did yoga, having done my workout earlier in the day. Josh gave me a massage, another special treat.

Day 3: Monday. This morning, I finished reading Sharon Olds's The Father. That's eleven books for the month (pretty good with my slump), 72 for the year, 910 books total. I've read six SO books this month. 

We got ready and went to CarMax. We weren't there as long as I thought we might be, and they gave us more for Josh's car than I expected. So we don't have to worry about that one bill that was looming, and we're in slightly better shape until Josh starts getting summer pay. We even got Chinese food. 

I was totally exhausted for some reason, so we took a nap together. When we woke up, I worked on getting my janner ready for June. Later, I did my workout, and we did yoga together. 

I got another acceptance! That's the fourth this month, which is amazing for me.

Another piece of good news: I found that my wedding set fits again!

Day 4: Tuesday. Last night, I slept for ten hours without sleep meds! We weren't sure when we'd pick up Oliver, so we got ready early and then hung around. We went to Barnes briefly; we hadn't been there together in a long time. I saw a beautiful Peter Pauper Press journal based on the cover of a French edition of the Song of Songs. And I really want to read that Oh Reader magazine. 

We put the license plate in the mail and headed back to Rockingham. I read poems to Josh on the way. Mom was upbeat, and Oliver was content to go home with us. I read a couple of chapters of Lost in a Book. 

Josh finally heard about his summer job...which is starting tomorrow! I was hoping I'd get one more day with him, but I'm glad we got some time alone. I'm going to miss him so much. But I'm hoping to accomplish a lot and make this a bright summer. I'd like to lose a total of 20 pounds by the end of July...11 pounds to go! I'd also like to read 25 books over June and July and really start digging myself out of the Old Testament. 

Day 5: Wednesday. This was Josh's first day. Oliver slept in until 9:30. I was boiling eggs and baking chicken. Bruce sent me a most affirming and encouraging E-mail to help me through the day. I'll go back and read it again tomorrow. 

Oliver played outside and was largely content to play with his sheet protector, bounce around, and lounge on his crash pad. He did ask where Josh was about fifty times before accepting the answer; neither of us like Josh's being away. 

I finished the Mystic Moon journal and started a Studio Oh! Hello Gorgeous journal--bright with colorful makeup! I sent six poems to a journal. I'd taken a few days off from submissions, but I'm back on it now. I plan to send out at least eighty pieces this month. I've been ignoring my stories, and I have a lot of poems waiting. I also want to write several poems this month and really start building that third collection.

I worked on my May Reflection and June Intentions in my June Silk+Sonder janner. As usual, I'm feeling ambitious at the beginning of the month.

Day 6: Thursday. Today I'm writing in Pentel Sparkle Pop green with blue glitter, which is a lovely mermaid tail color.

I did an hour-long timed reading of Winterwood, a YA fantasy I'm really enjoying but not devoting enough time to. 

Josh will be working 7:30-5:30 M-R and 7:30-1:30 F. This is a tough schedule compared to what we're used to. But today, he did come home for his lunch break, and we got to snuggle on the couch a bit. I've been having a lot of anxiety, and I haven't been attending to my habits as I should. I did exercise, and Oliver had a good day. He's been enjoying the backyard. 

Day 7: Friday. Today was my first depressed day in a long time. I found out (just today) about an old medical bill that we can't afford to pay. So I'll have to attempt to make arrangements on Monday. Oliver had a meltdown, which lasted about 45 minutes. I'm thankful that it didn't turn destructive, but it was still overwhelming and exhausting. I had a stomach ache all day, which caused me to cancel my exercise for the day and my outing for Bruce for the evening. Josh was tired and overwhelmed when he got home. I'm just ready to be done with this day. I hope for a brighter day tomorrow.