What You May Not Know about Me 2.

1. I don't dot my lowercase j's.
2. I had baby carrots and potato chips for breakfast the other day.
3. I can barely even draw a square.
4. I was once obsessed with my own handwriting (it had to be perfect).
5. I have major test anxiety.
6. I'm a very nervous driver.
7. I have many socks with stars on them.
8. I hate getting gas.
9. I'm a size 6 on my ring finger and size 7 on my index and middle fingers.
10. My shoe size is 6.
11. I hate squash. Gag hate.
12. I've moved 11 times as an adult.
13. One of my fantasies is creating videos in which I play every role in my favorite musicals.
14. 11 is my favorite number. Also, 16.
15. I'm obsessed with Pottery Barn Teen.
16. I keep scrapbooks of comforting or inspiring images, mostly of special rooms.
17. Over time, my favorite colors have been purple, then pink, then blue, then purple and green.
18. I sometimes put honey on my couscous.
19. I put honey on grits.
20. I could spend a lot of money on Live Love Polish.
21. A recurring image in my dreams is bathrooms with multiple bathtubs or showers.
22. I often dream about a child who is a hybrid of little James (my brother) and Oliver.
23. A lot of my dreams take place in my childhood best friend's house, which later became my house (my parents bought it from hers). I basically grew up in that house until I was 12.
24. I love snacking on seeds. Sunflower, pumpkin, pomegranate. 
25. If I could have any three talents, I would wish for playing the piano, singing, and dancing. In that order.

What You May Not Know about Me.

1. One side of my cupid's bow is higher than the other. I used the think I was applying lipstick incorrectly (consistently), but that's just the shape of my lip.
2. One of my ears is higher than the other, so my glasses always look crooked.
3. As a child, I liked hiding notes for other children, such as in bed and breakfast hiding spots.
4. My favorite vegetables are broccoli, asparagus, and green beans. 
5. I keep obsessive monthly to-do lists and must check off at least half of the (approximately 360) items before the month ends.
6. My teeth were enormously crooked, and I didn't get braces until I was sixteen.
7. I drink over 7.5 liters of water a day.
8. I've never touched an iPhone.
9. I have hundreds of pens.
10. Many of my cute socks are so old that the elastic no longer holds them up.
11. My first favorite song was "Uptown Girl" by Billy Joel (when I was little).
12. My second favorite song was "Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx.
13. The first three times I saw The Phantom of the Opera were spaced eight years apart: age 8, age 16, and age 24.
14. For two months of my life, I vacuumed every day I was home.
15. I keep eyeliners in an artist's pen folio (I quickly realized that it wouldn't hold a fraction of my pens).
16. I don't care for yellow or orange.
17. I usually choose two colors to use in my journals, and I alternate them each day. For example, in my next journal, I'll start with a green pen and then use a purple pen the next day. Then, I'll go back to green. I used to use more colors, but it was a lot to keep up with. The colors are based on the design of the journal. The alternating colors help me find old entries more easily.
18. Cinderella is my favorite Disney movie, but I have nothing in common with Cinderella.
19. If two of my selves met, they would probably not become friends. But they might enjoy sitting near each other and observing each other in silence.
20. I have a clinging preference for college-ruled paper.
21. Though I've never really been a pencil person, I like the idea of pencils. I almost never use them.
22. After a long life without watermelon, I discovered just this year that I like it.
23. I have a mildly runny nose at all times. It's annoying.
24. I do not use bullet journals or journals with perforated pages under any circumstances.
25. I use journals with recycled paper under only the rarest circumstances. 
26. I strike through my Z's and 7's. 
27. I write my lowercase a's two different ways, and no pattern appears.
28. I keep some of my makeup in a bin labeled Scarves. 
29. I'm typing this while wearing open gloves with Jane Eyre passages printed on them.
30. I have never lit a match.

My Top 10 Def Leppard Songs.

1. "Hysteria"
2. "When Love and Hate Collide"
3. "Rock On"
4. "To Be Alive"
5. "Promises"
6. "Now"
7. "Waterloo Sunset"
8. "Long, Long Way to Go"
9. "Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad?"
10. "You're So Beautiful"

My Top 10 Journey Songs.

1. "Send Her My Love"
2. "When I Think of You"
3. "Trial by Fire"
4. "Open Arms"
5. "When You Love a Woman"
6. "Ask the Lonely"
7. "If He Should Break Your Heart"
8. "Mother, Father"
9. "Separate Ways"
10. "All That Really Matters"

My Top 10 Showtunes.

This was not easy.

1. "The Phantom of the Opera" from The Phantom of the Opera
2. "If I Can't Love Her" from Beauty and the Beast
3. "With One Look" from Sunset Boulevard
4. "For Forever" from Dear Evan Hansen
5. "Prima Donna" from The Phantom of the Opera
6. "Helpless" from Hamilton
7. "Light" from Next to Normal
8. "I'll Cover You (Reprise)" from Rent
9. "'Til I Hear You Sing" from Love Never Dies
10. "Ring of Keys" from Fun Home

50 Favorite Books.

1. Jane Eyre
2. Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block
3. Sense and Sensibility
4. The Phantom of the Opera
5. Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg
6. The Complete Book of Flower Fairies
7. Living a Beautiful Life by Alexandra Stoddard
8. Mandy by Julie Andrews Edwards
9. A Little Princess
10. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
11. Little Women
12. Necklace of Kisses by Francesca Lia Block
13. Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
14. Circle of Quiet by Madeleine L'Engle 
15. Love Walked In by Marisa de los Santos
16. The Sugar Queen by Sarah Addison Allen
17. The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield
18. The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman
19. Snow & Rose by Emily Winfield Martin
20. Choosing Happiness by Alexandra Stoddard
21. I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith
22. From the Bones Out by Marisa de los Santos
23. Ghost Girl by Amy Gerstler
24. Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger
25. Blue Beyond Blue by Lauren Slater
26. The Best Small Fictions 2017
27. Life is Meals by James and Kay Salter
28. It by Stephen King
29. Making a Literary Life by Carolyn See
30. Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver
31. Delicate Edible Birds by Lauren Groff
32. Eight Cousins
33. Tell the Wolves I'm Home by Carol Rifka Brunt
34. Ruby by Francesca Lia Block
35. The Good Earth
36. The Hours by Michael Cunningham
37. The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo by Amy Schumer 
38. Imaginary Friend by Stephen Chboksy
39. A Fine Romance by Susan Branch
40. Breakfast at Tiffany's
41. Pretty Monsters by Kelly Link
42. The World Doesn't End by Charles Simic
43. How I Live Now by Meg Rosoff
44. An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison
45. Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
46. How to be Parisian Wherever You Are by Audrey Berest, et al.
47. The Night Sister by Jennifer McMahon
48. Fahrenheit 451
49. The Catcher in the Rye
50. Contagion by Erin Bowman

30 Selfish Wishes.

1. The perfect free house with space for a guest room, a study, and a playroom. 
2. The perfectly equipped backyard with a swing set and slide and a trampoline.
3. Help from the Innovations Waiver, now (no ten-year wait!).
4. A cure for me.
5. A gradual cure for Oliver.
6. A cure for Josh.
7. Perfect skin.
8. A steady weight of 125 pounds.
9. Naturally black, curly hair.
10. Perfect teeth.
11. Perfect eyesight. 
12. Cooking ability and joy.
13. Better reading focus.
14. Icy cold drinking water any time, anywhere. 
15. Three hours a day for reading.
16. Three hours a day for writing.
17. Oliver's sleeping through the night in his own room.
18. A part-time secretary for paperwork and submissions. 
19. Unlimited supply of the retired Dark Stardust Sakura Gelly Roll pens.
20. Unlimited supply of returning and new prestige Hard Candy cosmetics (currently converted to a Wal-Mart brand).
21. Unlimited PB Teen furniture, bedding, and decor. 
22. A Madame Alexander 10-inch Cisette Jo Goes to New York Trunk set.
23. A Madame Alexander 10-inch Cisette Jane Eyre doll.
24. Unlimited money to buy gifts for people I love (or just like). 
25. Unlimited online classes with Francesca Lia Block.
26. Miss Katie (our OT) as a part-time nanny.
27. Money to get us through a Ph.D program for Josh.
28. Unlimited Loft clothes.
29. A free new Honda for Josh.
30. Annual shows on Broadway. 

Last Day of 34.

Every year on the day before my birthday, I think about what I've accomplished or experienced over the past year. Have I earned another year? At 34, I 

• read 43 books
• read 6 books to which I gave 5 stars on GoodReads
• homeschooled a child with special needs for weeks despite the fact that it literally almost killed me
• participated in remote learning including sticker math, pirate art, and superhero workouts
• conducted occupational therapy sessions with telehealth
• spoke up about my need to go to the hospital despite many good reasons to lie about it
• wrote about hospital stay and shared experience
• tolerated medication increase with side effects
• went out alone after hospital release
• saw 4 musicals, all new to me
• celebrated 7 years of buddyship
• paid off a large lingering cost of Oliver's therapy
• paid off all but one credit card
• wrote 62 blog posts
• wrote my first short story in forever
• lost 30 pounds
• said, "I love you," to someone new

Comfort Kits.

I have a list in my Decomposition spiral notebook called "Care Bags for Women in Distress." I started the bags when Josh was doing a local outreach for migrants. I subscribe to ipsy, so I end up with a lot of cute little bags. I use many of them to hold pens and sticky notes, but I don't love and can't use them all. So I got the idea from Josh's project to make little bags for women who want to live here. When the project ended, we started sending the bags to the border. 

I hope to send out care bags again next month. I should have enough bags, and I'll add all the stuffing to my Amazon subscriptions. I need to check the guest room to see if I have any leftovers from last time, but I don't think I do. I want to mail at least 10 bags, hopefully 12. Josh handles the mailing. 

He admires me, but I'm mostly glad to have a good use for the bags. And I like to give a spark of comfort to a woman in distress. A tissue with lotion, good lip balm, a pop-up hair brush (those flimsy hygiene-kit combs certainly can't handle my hair), a face wipe, a breath mint, a hair tie. Things I would want if I were stuck on a bus, on the street, in a shelter. It's not soap and toothpaste, but I figure most people send that. It's the next layer of need--getting your hair out of your face, soothing lips with something that smells good. It's what I didn't have in the hospital, when I was a woman in distress. I guess they're comfort kits. 

So if you have piles of ispy bags, there's an idea for how to use them. Or send them to me, and I'll be excited to use them. I usually only have enough bags to send a batch every few months. 

My Princesses.

Plenty of quizzes will tell you which Disney Princess you are. I can't decide which I am.

Moana: People tell me I'm brave. I don't take a lot of crap, not anymore.  Many of the lyrics from Moana resonate with me.  "They have stolen the heart from inside you/But this does not define you:" I've tried not to let the worst in my life turn me to ash, and if I see a piece of my heart glinting in the distance, I try to move toward it, even if I can only crawl. But I also feel proud of what I've survived and of the small family that I have, in at least one literal way, saved: "I've delivered us to where we are/I have journeyed farther/I am everything I've learned and more."

Merida: Well, I'm not nearly as angsty, rebellious, or reckless as Merida. But if you look at me at seventeen...yeah, all of that. And I even had semi-wild curly hair. I also have a close relationship with my mother that was hard-won.

Rapunzel: I feel more like her right now, having barely left my tower in weeks. I feel terrible for her because she only had a few books--definitely not one of my problems. But she was able to entertain herself, even enrich herself, and I can usually do that too. I have no visually artistic ability. I do have a lot of hair.

Tiana: I love how she went after her dreams and found love along the way. I've usually done the opposite. But Josh and I did meet because we had the same poetry and drama classes. I am no cook. But I do look good in green.

Mulan: I'm not nearly as courageous or self-sacrificing as Mulan. But I definitely remember feeling (and maybe still feel now and then) that I could "never pass for a perfect bride/Or a perfect daughter."

Pocahontas: Oh dear. I don't really feel qualified to comment on this, what with the historical inaccuracies and how long it's been since I saw the movie, but I'll try. I'm not a great peacemaker, activist, or conservationist. I do believe that I tend to make people think differently.

Jasmine: Aladdin was never one of my favorites, but Jasmine's pretty great. She's a firecracker. I have some of her sass. I tend to believe boys I love are capable of great things...and they get there. I can be more forgiving than I expect or even like.

Belle: She is the most obvious choice. She's a brunette, and she loves books! Unlike Belle, I don't really yearn for adventure. Like Jo March, I confine my adventures to the page, reading it or writing it. Belle is also self-sacrificing, and I don't have a ton of that in me. She and I don't have a lot of patience for blustering men. I do not look good in yellow. I have a lot of clothes, and Belle gets the most extensive wardrobe of any Disney princess in my memory. The blue and white outfit, the yellow gown, the green dress, the pink dress, the deep-rose cape... Usually, they just get a "peasant" dress and a princess dress, and maybe a wedding gown.

Ariel: She's pretty selfish (shellfish?), and I am too. I'm definitely a collector like Ariel--books, journals, fairy tales, makeup. I'm determined and single-minded in love, and I pretty much overturned my world to be with Josh. I'm not the best swimmer, and I have no official swimming skills, but I can tread water for a long time.

Aurora: I have been enormously sleepy lately. But people tend to forget who Aurora was before the *prick.* Nature does not adore me, and I don't adore it. I do sing a lot, though again, birds don't envy me. I don't often go barefoot because there's goose poop outside and Oliver's magazine shreds inside.  I fantasize constantly, and then, reality makes me nervous, like that perfect prince in the woods. Aurora grieved the loss of him, but he was her betrothed! I do believe I ended up with the person I was meant to be with all along.

Cinderella: Cinderella has always been my favorite. I'm not even sure why. The soft animation with so much white and blue and pink...the dreamy opening song ("You wear an air of queenly grace...If you give your heart a chance/It will lead you to the kingdom of romance...The sweetest story ever told..."), the illustrated story book ("Peaceful, prosperous, and rich in romance and tradition..."), the glimpse of her father, the willowy ice blue castle, the white coach.... Anyway, Cinderella and I have little in common. She is kind, patient, and hard-working. I'm not nearly so much. I would have despaired or run away in her situation. And I don't care for parties. But she does embrace her feelings (betrayal, heartbreak, enchantment, love), which I hope I would try to do even if it were more optional for me.

Snow White: I dyed my hair black to be a not-so-Disney version of Snow White. We certainly share a fair complexion. I love a good red lip stain. When I was little, I would ask older boys to "pick me up like Snow White!" Again, I'm not deeply connected with nature and don't know how to get animals to help me clean. I would not volunteer for a situation that required me to handle all the cooking and cleaning (back to that never passing for a perfect bride bit). I can barely handle having seven people in my life; I can't imagine seven small men. But I am a dreamer and a wisher.

So, what do you think?

Coming to Poetry.

I credit a brief high school boyfriend with my coming to poetry. 

In 9th grade, I got a bit of a reputation at my small Christian school because I liked boys, and I liked to kiss them. But one boy in particular filled the world with stars for a few weeks. 

When he broke up with me, starlight was over. Many years later, I found out that our breakup had little to do with me, but at the time and for years after, I believed it was because of something I'd done (or been) wrong. 

My grief was massive. I was carrying all this pain and whatever version of wild love a fourteen-year-old girl can experience. 

I began to write poems--dreadful, derivative poems based on show tunes and Journey lyrics. He saw some of them, which is a little mortifying, but it's also satisfying to know that he must have caught some fractured glimpse of how I felt. So the pressure eased a little. 

Because of this experience, I began to see poetry as a container (a glass jar, a cardboard box, a metal safe) that could hold a feeling, an image, or a moment that I could no longer bear on my own. 

Small Essentials.

• string
• mounting squares
• poster board (you always end up needing it for some weird reason)
• Static Guard (good for tights and on a brush for straying hair)
• Downy Wrinkle Release
• Woolite Dry Cleaner's Secret (also good if you leave wet laundry too long, and it gets a little Clooney)
• miniature bells and rosettes
• three or four sizes of Sharpies in black and at least one other color
• colorful markers and pencils
• construction paper
• paper straws
• magnifying glass
• baking soda
• lens wipes
• Puffs Plus Lotion
• small flashlights
• fine-tip craft glue
• sharpened pencils
• every size of batteries
• super glue
• lip balm in every room
• notebooks or notepads in every room
• books in every room
• pipe cleaners
• bobby pins
• rubber bands (preferably colorful)
• small ice packs
• Cribbage board and cards

2020: A Well-Read Year.

Last year, I had a few months with almost no reading at all. The lack of reading made me sicker, and rebuilding the practice was slow and difficult. I need help staying on track. Not reading means repressing and hurting a large part of myself. Largely because of that, and despite my hard work at the end, I didn't reach my 2019 reading goal. I'm bummed about that.

So this year will be different. Last year, my Reading Challenge on GoodReads was 50 books, which I still think is reasonable for me. I finished 44 books. So I'm taking those six unread books and adding them to this year's goal: 56 in total.

Remember, I want to read a total of 1,000 books before I turn 40. That won't be easy, but I still think I can do it. I certainly have great books to choose from.

Bruce and I have started reading I Can Taste the Blood (not as gruesome as it sounds I think), which is a collection of novellas based on those words, which one author noticed on a public bathroom wall. Inspiration is everywhere!

Every day counts. And I'm starting in on my winter focus, children's lit.

Word of the Year: 2020.

I chose this word months ago and knew I wanted to spend a year with it. The word has several, slightly different meanings. I can refer to trying something over and over to get better at it. It can refer to the set-up of a doctor's clinic and work. It can mean someone's dedication to something like meditation. It can refer to devoting time to a vital activity with no expectations of any kind of success (though the repetition becomes its own success) or reward (though rewards of a kind do come).

My word of 2020 is Practice. 

I think I will grow into this rich, multi-faceted word. I will practice journaling, reading, blogging (it could matter to someone), and loving (a massive goal I can approach in tiny steps). Even getting ready each day can be a practice if I pay attention and put in effort for the sake of myself and others I see that day.

I'm not going to post about my word weekly as I did last year. I'll just post I have something to share about my word, which may be more or less often. And I'll blog about whatever else is on my mind.

Today, I've been practicing blogging! I had a lot of catching up to do. A practice can be exhilarating but is more often (for me) a comforting weight, like Oliver's weighted vest.

When I think of practice, I think of going through my thesis yet again at a bistro table, dancing hard shoe in the garage, and reading Phantom all afternoon. I need recent memories!

Lessons I Learned in 2019.

Surely, 2019 has taught me more than I realize. But this is what I've noticed.

• I learned that I really must not stop reading, even for a day. I slip away from it so easily. 
• I reviewed the importance of theatre for me. In 2019, I saw eight musicals with Bruce. Amazing. And now, I'm not longer a sort of guide; I'm a spectator. 
• I've learned that my Google Calendar is critical. Josh and I have linked calendars. If it's not on the calendar, it probably doesn't exist for me. I try to add appointments and events right away, and I try to review the calendar on my phone a few times a day. BSD (or the accompanying meds) have trashed my short-term memory.
• I found out that time alone together is not only special but also vital. Last June, Josh and I stayed in a hotel (thanks to my dad) for two nights while Oliver stayed with Mom. Josh and I worked on being alone together--so strange now! I want to try again this year. 
• I learned that Josh has talents and capabilities of which I was only vaguely aware. I both ask more of him and praise him more. I'm impressed with him.
• I found that I can get my pets needs with someone else's pets. I've spent some good time with Bruce's cats. I think I've even won over the aloof one.
• I learned that parenting requires love but also courage and determination, even despite pain and fear. I survived Oliver's having surgery (tongue-tie) and my having to perform miserable post-surgery care. 
• I learned that despite everything, a patchwork family can come together to help or to celebrate. Oliver had his six grandparental units for his birthday. Everyone talked, sat together, and simply joined in love for one adorable eight-year-old.
• I learned that I can find professionals who can and will help me, and I can manage changes. My psychiatrist, my therapist, and my primary care doctor have all changed recently (not by my choice), but I think the new ones will be good too. 

2020, please teach me gently!

Nourish/Challenge: Week 52.

This tiny week held the last days of 2019, and the other days scattered somewhere along the year's path. But I had the boys with me, which filled my heart. I skimmed old magazines from my collection, so Oliver could blithely shred them, and Josh could not-so-happily clean up the scraps.

I challenged myself again, in those two days, to read as much as possible. I finished two books: poems by Louise Gluck and a slightly fascinating memoir-through-object-memory by Dawn Raffel (new to me). I'd like to write that kind of memoir. Maybe I will.

Bruce took me to see Cats, which we both enjoyed despite the general negative reception. Cherry Coke+musical+cats+best friend+great nourishment...a great way to finish the year.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 51.

This outing is actually from the week before, but I'll tell you about it now anyway!

The boys and I went to Chilis--we almost never go out to eat, but with the semester ending, I wanted to try to celebrate. I had a burger so good that I barely touched my fries. Oliver ate like a champ--pizza, fries, grilled chicken. He was so well-behaved! He became alarmed when I went to the restroom, and he leaned into me when I came back. He said he wanted to go home, but we got him to wait for the wondrous Paradise Pie. He used a spoon easily (a skill that emerges only when ice cream is involved).  We had a great time. Our team at ABA was so excited about our successful outing.

Christmas was delightful, and I'll write all about it soon!

This last full week of the year, I read many books, I read poetry, short stories, and creative nonfiction, trying to reach my reach my reading my goal for the year.

I finished Heart-Shaped Box for the Tiny Book Club. I read SARK's book on naps, my first book by Thich Nhat Hanh, a volume of short stories, and an illustrated book about New York City fashion. I challenged myself to read as much as I could--it's not easy during the holidays!

And of course, the books and the family cheered and nourished me as we sped toward the new year.