On the 9th Floor.

Thanks to my parents and steps for the wonderful getaway we thought of as a belated celebration of our 12-year wedding anniversary. Dad provided the hotel, and Mom provided two nights of childcare.

First of all, I have to note that Oliver handed it all well and only occasionally asked where Mama and Daddy were. And Josh and I did not break down either. We can all be okay for a few days.

Josh totally handled the uptown driving, the check-in, and the parking. We had a suite with a big living space. The decor was mostly hideous, but we didn't mind. We had an interesting 9th-floor view of various buildings. I can't imagine working or living so high. A giant jetted tub was in our bedroom. I got in pretty quickly. The depth was the best part.

We ordered room service, burgers for both of us--his a veggie. We sat on the ugly orange couch.

I had no desire to go anywhere. All I did was pick up ice across the hall.

On Friday morning, I got right in the bath, and Josh brought up some breakfast. I drank apple juice in the tub--bliss. Soon, we went to the (supposedly) heated pool. It was tiny and cold, and I didn't last long. I went to the hot tub, which was mild enough that Josh got in for a while.

Mom sent just a few (perfect) photos and updates. Oliver was clearly having a good time, so we were reassured.

We took various small naps, and I scribbled.

I asked Josh to go back out the Hornets' store and bring back lunch. He returned with a bag of clearance Hornets items--a late Father's Day gift. He brought teriyaki chicken. For dinner, we had room service salads.

We picked up Oliver, who didn't seem to have much of a reaction to our return. We went to a burger place to meet Dad and Michelle. We sat outside in the shade. Oliver was nervous around Buckley, their beagle. But Oliver acted pretty brave and ate chicken tenders. I'm ready to celebrate when he eats pretty much any food.

I gave Michelle a belated gifts (a fine point eyeliner brush and a Stila palette in mostly neutral shades). She seemed happy to try them. She gave me a general gift she'd kept forgetting to give me: a medium-length silver chain with a silver circle with amethyst crystals hanging down; it's my taste!

I think the trip loosened some kind of major tension in my upper body. I'm already excited about the next.

My 34th Birthday.

I used to be particular about my birthday: celebration had to happen on the actual day. I've gotten over that, so my birthday spread into mid-June, both ways.

I get a beautiful card in the mail every year from my grandparents. They sent me a Target gift card for fun. Some time soon, I'll go on a spree and remember to tell Nanna and Grandpa what I bought.

Bruce and I have birthdays two days apart (and he's 3 years younger), so we celebrate once together. I focused on writing and Broadway's The Lion King for Bruce's gifts. He gave me a few journals (roses and mermaids) and several books he believed I'd like. I can't wait to read them all.

Josh gave me what I requested: an Urban Decay (my favorite fancy makeup brand) birthday. He gave me gel with large and tiny lilac glitter. He gave me UD's Game of Thrones eye shadow palette. I don't care much about G of T, but the palette is one of my favorites; only 3 of 20 shadows are matte. He gave me a Heavy Metal glitter liner in a new Christmas green. And he gave me two eyeliners--Viper, metallic purple with fuchsia glitter and Electric Empire, a sparkly emerald shade. I'm excited to try everything. I have used the palette and the eye pencils so far.

Mom mailed me a piece of sewing with a dark-haired fairy, a hydrangea in her hand and wild violets at her feet. I have it propped up on the bookcase by my bed. A couple of years ago, Mom gave me a framed drawing of a mermaid with dark hair and green eyes like mine. When we arrived in Charlotte, Mom gave me a gorgeous clear box with rainbow-haired mermaids. I wish I could find more. And heavy seahorse bookends. I love how seahorses just pop up in my life.

After our quiet trip, we saw Dad and Michelle, who gave us gift cards on top of giving us our first getaway. Michelle had a gift she kept forgetting to give me. It' a medium-length silver necklace with a silver circle with amethyst crystals hanging from it. My taste!

So I'm 34 now, some great new books and new makeup to play with along with other sweet objects and fun future shopping. It's a good start.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 24.

Summer arrived.

I only read 3 or 4 YA novels in the spring. Now, I'm turning my attention to the classic short story focus. I always have fun with that, and I have several books waiting.

I need to work hard because I'm 7 books behind on my GoodReads annual reading goal. But I can overcome that. I hope short fiction will speed me up. A challenge!

We went to Charlotte. Mom and Shane had agreed to keep Oliver for two nights. Leaving him was a challenge, but the trip was nourishing for Josh and me and for our marriage. I'll tell me in another post.

I'll also post about my birthday eventually. I had a little string of lovely days. I try to hold onto all the sweet bits. That's what it's all about for me, really: sowing and reaping joy.

Favorite Pieces of Jewelry.

I have almost no "real" jewelry. I love costume jewelry, especially from Loft and Betsey Johnson. Here are some of my favorite baubles.

• My wedding set. The white gold rings are tiny, and the tanzanite in the engagement ring is tiny. I can't wear them right now, but they wait on m dresser in a white bowl painted with violets.
• My tanzanite princess ring. My parents gave me a lovely ring when I graduated with my MFA. It reminds me of their support of me. I used to be afraid to wear it because I might lose or damage it, but now, I just try to enjoy it when I wear it. It's better to enjoy it with the risks than for it to stay in a velvet box.
• Art Deco star earrings. These are gold and black gold with many points and clear rhinestones. I got them on crazy sale at Banana Republic. They make me feel like a mysterious movie star. Plus, Josh loves art deco.
• Gunmetal star cascade earrings. These are from Loft, and Josh gave them to me for Christmas. They make me feel like a celestial fairy.
• My key necklace. When I first started teaching, I had little to wear. I decided that some jewelry might shake up my wardrobe. Mom and I were combing a sale at Banana Republic. This long necklace had silver, gold, and black gold chains with big and little skeleton keys. I need to wear it more. I love keys.
• Betsey Johnson love necklace. Josh bought me this for an anniversary. It's gold  and short with multiple chains and so many pink and clear rhinestones. Tiny and big keys, locks, and hearts makes this a favorite. I don't always wear it because it's a statement, but I need to get over that.
• My stars and moon necklace. I just wore this yesterday! This was on sale at Loft. It's a good length, short but not a choker (though I do love chokers too). The rhinestones sparkle.
• Gold and purple snowflake necklace. Mom spotted this in a department store. It was far more than I would normally spend on jewelry (my necklace obsession had not really begun yet), but it was so beautiful--almost a choker with three gold snowflakes with purple rhinestones and pearls. I left the mall wearing the necklace.

I have great memories of getting and wearing my jewelry. And doesn't "costume jewelry" just sound fun?

Last Day of 33.

Every year, right before my birthday, I think about what the year has meant, what I've accomplished, who I've become, and why I'm worth another year.

As a 33-year-old,

• I celebrated my 12-year wedding anniversary with Josh.
• I've helped Oliver get through first grade and much therapy of different types.
• I've let my reading and writing slide here toward the end, but I will get it back on track.
• I've finished 45 books in a variety of genres. 
• I've read a good bit of poetry. 
• I've completed 5 journals.
• I've worked to keep my blogs fresh.
• I made almost 200 posts on my two blogs.
• I've dressed just as I please. Nothing is too special.
• I've managed to spend time with a new person, one of the few people who make me feel calm. I've been brave.
• I've kept up with a therapist and a psychiatrist. 
• I've taken my medication every day, no matter how often it changes and how the side effects change me.
• I've shown up and paid a lot of necessary dental work. 
• I went to my doctor for a physical and endured various tests (all is well) like a responsible adult.
• I returned to the college where I used to teach because one of our dear former professors was giving a reading. I didn't know if people would remember or recognize me. I didn't know how I'd react to being at the site of some of my biggest failures. But everyone was warm and happy to see me, and it was a great day.
• I've helped Josh a little with his humanitarian project.
• I got to see my brother-in-law get married. And Josh and I danced!
• I saw 8 musicals. 

That looks better than I expected. I'm ready.

Cinnamon.

I remember when I first discovered potpourri with cinnamon sticks in a glass bowl on someone's side table.

My mom would mix cinnamon and sugar in a green cup, and she'd sprinkle the mixture on my toast. I still eat that, especially when I'm ill. Josh made me some after my first surgery (endometriosis), and that was all I could keep down.

Cinnamon makes me think of Kirkland's--decorative pillows, cinnamon pine cones, nutcrackers. I loved going there as a kid.

The scent made me feel excited and serene at once. I guess it still does.

If I see an envelope of cinnamon potpourri, I hold it to my face.

The only teas I bother with are cinnamon or cinnamon apple spice.

I use Bath & Body Works Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin shower gel as bubble bath.

I've sprinkled cinnamon on bowls of brown rice and green beans.

Cinnamon makes me feel like Christmas is coming. What some people would call an excess of cinnamon is one of my favorite parts of Christmas.

It's definitely my favorite scent (past even marshmallow, vanilla, and peppermint).

I wish more cinnamon-scented items existed. I would wear cinnamon perfume. I love cinnamon candles.

My hair has been turning rather auburn, and it reminds me of cinnamon. My mother's mother had auburn hair.

Cinnamon comforts me but also makes me want to do something, whether that's writing, reading, cuddling, or some creative pursuit.

How do special scent affect you?

Nourish/Challenge: Week 23.

I went to a meeting with the new supervisor for Oliver's new therapy tech. The new supervisor seemed on top of things. I was impressed that she wore a pink blazer and linen khakis for our meeting. I wore a casual dress. She has worked in this field for 7 years, but she looks quite young (I'm getting old). I told her some funny Oliver stories. She seemed impressed with him (he was with me, and he was patient), but she has big plans for him. She wasn't thrilled with the care he'd received so far. With this new leadership and (I hope) a talented and diligent tech (who will actually stay around!), I feel pretty good about giving the company another chance. Just the meeting was tough--a challenge for me. But it was fine, and I left feeling optimistic.

I've continued to have trouble with my writing. I keep missing days of practice. I'm challenging myself to write more and to find what can nourish my writer self.

I've been reading more about Egypt. I have a book on Native Americans waiting. Right now, any kind of learning feels satisfying even if it's difficult.

Handmaid's Tale and Black Mirror are back, so I watched episodes with the guys. I could have gone on all day.

Bruce and I went to Barnes one evening. We'd not gone there in a long time. We weave slowly through the shelves and tables and try not to laugh too loudly. I found a blue hardcover book of fairy tales for $5. I took that home along with the newest Bella Grace magazines.

And Bruce and I saw Cats, the last show of the season. I think that was season 4. It's absurd that I'd not yet seen Cats. I enjoyed it more than I expected. The costumes, makeup, dancing, and lighting were fantastic. Of course, the Rum Tum Tugger was still my favorite. Everyone went wild over Grizabella.

On the drive home from the theatre, Bruce asked me several what-if questions, and some of them really challenged my brain and heart. I asked him why he was asking so many questions, and he quoted me: "Questions are love." Wow. That filled me to the brim.

At My Bravest.

To follow up on my "If I Were More Courageous" post, I decided I should think about when I have had great courage.

• I gave birth to Oliver. Delivering him is the hardest thing I have ever done, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I had to fight my body's absolute insistence on pushing; Oliver was in danger when I pushed. I followed directions. I had no time or strength to scream or shout. I felt no sense of community with the countless women who have given birth. I was alone in it, and I couldn't give up. I just thought of breathing and getting oxygen to my baby.  

•  I breastfed. I was afraid I couldn't produce enough milk to help our 5 1/2-pound baby gain weight, especially since I was supporting our family. Somehow, I pumped enough, and he plumped up, and I breastfed him for thirteen months. For a while, two weeks maybe, it was incredibly painful--the gasping-and-tears-spring-to-your-eyes kind of pain. I didn't think I could go on. But I did it, and I'm grateful that I had the chance. 

•  I gave a public reading in a small auditorium at Queens. I read several poems from my thesis. Mom let me wear her enchanted emerald silk blouse. I felt the audience connecting with me. My thesis advisor later told me that he received compliments about me. Mom and Dad were there, and Melissa and Steve came, which meant a lot. I hadn't shared much of my poetry with any of them.  

•  I taught a seminar on journaling, also during my graduating residency. I was brave enough to focus on one of the most important elements of my life. And apart from day camp Bible classes, I'd never taught before. 

•  I applied to a community college. I taught my first class, and though I had no idea how I would handle it, it went remarkably well. I knew I'd found the right work. 

•  I left my job, first as a medical leave of absence and then permanently. We had very little money and no plan, but Mom and Josh knew I couldn't go back; I was too sick. We got a lot of help, but it was scary. 

•  I've advocated for Oliver since he was diagnosed with autism at age four. I took him to so many doctors and therapists for diagnoses and treatment. I met with teachers and got Oliver into ore-K for EC. I took him to the children's neurologist, I spent a year getting Oliver into ABA. I do not do well in meetings. Mom came sometimes to back me up, especially when I got completely overloaded.  

• I saw a psychiatrist, a psychologist an a  counselor. I was afraid to confirm my fear that no one could (or would) help me. None of these ongoing appointments are easy for me. I push myself to show up, to tell the truth of my experience, and to continue reaching for the help I need.

Really, I'm brave every day. I drive the car, which makes me very nervous. I drop off and pick up, I get out of bed, I shower (and put on makeup on a decent day!),  I take my medicine, I interact with others, I go to appointments. I live, hour by hour.

You Can't Help Loving Me for This.

• I snort when I laugh hard.
• I tend to get in people's way, and you have to move me.
• I leave literary character sticky flags all over the place.
• I'm oblivious to anyone paying me attention in public.
• I merely tolerate diet soda.
• I can listen to a current-favorite song on repeat, repeat, repeat.
• I analyze and dive into movies.
• I never put milk in my cereal.
• I'm a bit of a pen snob.
• I still have a beloved 2001 issue of YM Beauty.
• If I love it, I buy it in multiple colors. 
• I sing and dance far more than some would call necessary.
• I write lowercase a's and 2's two different ways.
• I buy another set of Sparkle Pop for my pen drawer each time I go to Target.
• I have three versions of Phantom on my iPod.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 22.

I've had almost back-to-back sinus infections (Yes, I finished my antibiotics). This past week, I got in to see my PA, and he said I was right: a sinus infection, a bad one. So I've tried to rest, and Josh has been so supportive.

Oliver sings. He sings bits of songs in the car. Josh says that when I shower with music, Oliver stays outside the door and sings along. It may be because I'm singing more at home and in the car. I want him to have the solace and nourishment of reading and movies, but for now, singing is pretty good.

For the first time in a terribly long time, I took a bath and read poetry aloud. I've got to get back to that. The habit is a challenge but so nourishing.

Oliver has been home with me. Last week was his first week out of school. We are waiting for a new tech, so we haven't gone to ABA; he only has private OT and speech right now.

I noticed that because he wears uniforms at to school, he had very little casual clothing. So I signed him up for Stitch Fix (sign up and you and I will each get a $25 credit). We get ten items per shipment. I've mostly asked for comfortable or athletic shorts and cute graphic tees. Oliver enjoys pointing out designs on his clothes. SF even sends shoes and pajamas! It eliminates the challenge of hunting for his clothes here and there, and I can easily return what doesn't work.

I'm trying a long, weekly to-do list again, but in my mermaid spiral notebook instead of the journal. Bullet journaling intimidates me; I know almost nothing about it. What kind of to-do list do you use?

Looking Back: 30 before 30.

I looked at my "30 before 30" list and found that I'd accomplished very little. But when I see what I have done, it does feel impressive.

• Publish a story
• Take Oliver to an aquarium
• Teach a literature class
• Teach a creative writing class
• Have long, black Snow White hair
• Use every room in my house
• Read tons of short stories

I'll try to continue working on that list as I work on my "40 before 40" list. 

Some Top Blessings.

We are so blessed, and it's increasingly clear.

• We have received assistance from family and the government that makes it possible for us to pay for Oliver's therapies, pay down debt, and not be anxious about money all the time.
• Oliver's personality. He was a tiny baby (5 lbs, 8 oz.) who had dealt with terrible conditions in my belly. But he was bright and relaxed. He calmed me with his liquid navy eyes (now shifting to green) and his serene expression.
• Miss Katie at occupational therapy. Oliver sees Miss Katie once a week for an hour. They work on such a variety of skills, and Oliver clearly adores her. She has told us that she just loves Oliver.
• Our apartment. Oliver has room to move around, Josh's giant desk fits in the living area, and I have my desk and chaise in the guest room. The space is a relief.
• Our library. We have a great many wonderful books. 
• Brr Brr, a little English bulldog Beanie Baby I gave to Oliver when he was one year old. He was in love for years. He still dotes on Brr Brr sometimes, like on long car trips. It's the best gift I've ever given anyone.
• My relative stability, when I have it. I have moments and even hours of being firmly okay. I even feel flutters of joy sometimes.

Just a Thought: What I Like Most about Myself.

• My passionate nature
• My persistence
• My ability to collect coping strategies
• My long, dark hair
• My green, ringed eyes
• My pale skin
• My courage (though I hate to use it)
• My writing ability
• My love of books
• My attraction to sparkles
• My softened heart