Confessions on Beauty, Prejudice, and Self-Love.

I feel so stressed, and I don't have a great reason. I'm behind on writing, behind on work. I'm overwrought, and my head hurts. My neck is tight. And my face still hurts; damn acne--swollen lumps on my chin, jaw, and neck. I feel ugly these days. 

Both Bruce and my mom said I looked pretty in the photos from my reading, but those seem like consolation compliments, things you'd say to someone who normally isn't attractive. That's silly projecting, though. I can't expect anyone but Josh to tell me I'm pretty. 

I'm projecting my own pettiness and prejudice, my childhood insecurities that say that people with extra weight, with pimples, or with glasses can't be attractive. When I was very little, I thought people who were "fat" couldn't get married because no one would love them! How messed up is that?! Where did it come from? My couple of years in public school? Something in preschool? 

I'm ashamed to admit those thoughts. I'm sharing them only because I can't be the only one. I guess it's only fair that I am chubby, have glasses, and have acne. Really, those thoughts were warnings to myself: I can't be attractive. It doesn't mean anyone else has the same thoughts, except maybe (like me) about themselves. It doesn't even mean I think it about other people. I've been attracted to Josh regardless of acne or extra weight when he's had them, and I love his glasses. I know he is attracted to me; he demonstrates that, though not so much right now because I'm sick. I don't need anyone else to think I'm an attractive person. 

Do I need to think it about myself? As an adult, I haven't often been self-conscious or concerned with what others think when they look at me, but I've been embarrassed lately. I stopped wearing foundation a couple of years ago, but now, I'm wearing concealer again. I know the acne is hormonal, and the weight is probably hormones plus medication. I also don't like my hair right now at its awkward length. Recently, one of my front teeth broke. I got it fixed quickly, but that was another source of embarrassment even though almost no one saw it. 

Is it all punishment for some vanity of which I've been unaware? I've usually felt comfortable with my appearance as an adult. But now, I don't feel like I even recognize myself physically. I need to grow out my hair, lose the rest of this weight, and go to the dermatologist. OTC skincare isn't cutting it. 

I don't want to devalue myself because I don't feel pretty. I don't owe the world physical beauty. My writing is beautifully dark and strange...or beautifully luminous. My worth is inherent. But I am struggling. 

I've struggled with self-love for a few years before these bodily insecurities. I believed certain things about myself, as a person, a wife, and a writer. It turned out others had different perceptions, and this really threw me. I started to wonder if I knew myself at all, and I started to think there wasn't much to like. 

I've made some efforts to shore up my self-love, but I need to do that now more than ever. A couple of books have helped me: A Year of Self-Motivation for Women and A Year of Self-Love. I'm currently reading A Year of Self-Esteem straight through. The books have brief quotations, reflections, prompts, and affirmations. As I go through them, I write down my own affirmations right there in the book. 

The great aspect of affirmations is that you don't have to believe them to use them! You train your mind to believe them and therefore live and embody them. We do this all the time: shape our beliefs, perceptions, and behaviors. Well, often, we let others do it for us. I want to take more control. I want to focus on and enhance the good.

I am beautiful. I have enchanting eyes, strong legs, and striking coloring. I have a distinct style. I carry myself with assurance. I am poised and elegant. I am open to the beauty in myself and others. I am memorable.

I don't have to be flawless to be beautiful...or to be good.