February Janner.

 Last month was my first month of using Silk+Sonder's journal-planner hybrid. I'm sharing some of my pages with you. 

(Spelling errors intact)

Stuff I'm Loving Right Now.

• Silk + Sonder. I started my subscription to this monthly journal/planner hybrid. It comes with membership to a supportive, inspiring Facebook group. People share their creative pages and give each other ideas for how to use the blank Notes pages. I'm almost done using my first month's janner! I also got the Annual Supplement, which I'll work on throughout the year. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up with the janner and my journal, but it's been fine. Once I finish February, I'll post some of my pages. 
• Long-stem strawberries. These are huge and sweet. I've never enjoyed strawberries so much, and I'm not even eating them with whipped cream. 
• Francesca Lia Block's Rose and the Beast. I'm rereading this. It's the first Block book I read. I found it completely by accident at the Arboretum Barnes. The cover is so gorgeous. I love fairy tale retellings. It's fulfilling my fairy-tale-a-day goal right now. Her language just drips with sparkle. Next month, I'm taking a writing and healing class with Block! I can't believe it. I've just finished reading her Thorn Necklace, a memoir/book on writing. I'm trying to get reacquainted with her work. I've also gathered some of the books she's discussed in Thorn Necklace. I want to get as much as possible out of this class. How many people get to take a class with their favorite authors? Care to join in? 
• Fairy Tales from Hans Christian Anderson, with illustrations by Tasha Tudor. My mom sent me this as a gift to help with my fairy-tale-a-day habit. Tasha Tudor is one of our favorite artists. The vintage book even has a snowflake on it. I love snowflakes.
• Dreams about snow. We only gotten a glimpse or two of snow here, but I've been dreaming about beautiful, non-destructive snow. I've seen huge, intricate snowflakes that show off their designs and stick to windows and branches. Usually, my dreams are complex and stressful, so this was a nice change. 
• PrismaColor pencils. I discovered these when I took a homeschool art class at thirteen. I've loved them and bought them for others ever since. I chose seven colors (violet, medium purple, pink, deep rose, silver, forest green, and bright blue) to use in my janner this month. I've used them not just for the included coloring page but also for habit and mood trackers. 
• Madame Alexander dolls. I just can't get over them. I finally got the two 10-inch dolls I've wanted so much (one of them I've wanted for about twenty years): Jo Goes to New York Trunk Set and the lovely Jane Eyre. I've set up the Anne of Green Gables doll I got from my parents for my eighth birthday as well. A couple of years ago, my mom gave me a 10-inch Cinderella--gorgeous. Most of my dolls are 20+ years old, but they're all beautiful. I have them atop bookcases and my dresser in the study and my bedroom. I'm having surgery week after next, and those dolls will keep me company and give me something beautiful to look at while I recover.
• Paperblanks journals. My favorite journal brand is Peter Pauper Press, but Paperblanks is up there. The journal covers usually feature antique designs with metallic details. The journals come in Ultra, Midi, Mini, and Slim sizes. I have a couple of each. 
• Papier journals. These are new to me. They feature designs from various artists and include personalization. One of mine is titled, "Becky Nicole's Notes on Love." The pages are thick enough to take a fountain pen with no bleeding and only mild ghosting. 
• Zazzle.com. My mom hesitantly introduced me to this site. You can search for an image and buy just about any product you can think of (notebooks, stickers, labels, light switch covers, posters, wooden signs, pens...) with that image. While searching for fairies and mermaids, I discovered...
• Molly Harrison's fairies and mermaids. If you like Amy Brown, you'll like MH. 

Savoring January.

 I've been trying to savor this first month of the year. Here is some of what I've savored:

• Indulging in Panera at home soups and pastas, despite the cost (and the calories)
• Wearing colorful sweaters
• Reacquainting myself with my creative work
• Writing poems in a flurry
• Watching a few minutes of big wet snowflakes
• Reading seven (or eight?) books
• Reading poetry aloud in the bathtub
• Reading my poems aloud to my best friend
• Wearing Fresh Sugar lip balm
• Writing ten letters and thank you notes
• Unpacking books
• Hanging Mary Engelbreit reading posters in the study
• Getting early morning massages from Josh
• Starting to read for a science fiction and fantasy magazine
• Journaling in purple and green
• Wearing my new green boots

I plan to savor February even more.

February Affirmations.

 

The Moments We Don't Talk About.

My son, Oliver, is nine years old. He has autism. I don't know the severity of the diagnosis; his last evaluation was when he was four. His reassessment starts next week. In most ways, he is still a four-year-old if not younger.

Today, Oliver had one of his meltdowns. 

It was one of the worse ones.

He wanted to go outside, so I got him ready and gathered up a story I'm editing, my journal, and my Kindle book. But when I opened the back door, he said, "Wanna go dis way," running toward the front door. So he wanted to go to the park. I don't take him to the park by myself anymore because the last time I did, he ran from me screaming down the middle of a street. Twice.

I said no. I said we could go play in the backyard. He insisted. I wasn't willing to put us both in danger. 

He started shouting, "Wanna go dis way! Wanna go home!" For some reason, going home seems to refer to riding in a car. 

He pulled down Josh's TV, scratching the screen. I don't know if it still works. He picked up a book we've been reading together and started tearing pages out of it, shredding them. I put him in timeout. He screamed, sometimes "Mama," sometimes just guttural sounds. He threw around a piece of art. Then, he calmly asked to watch a video.

I turned the video on and let him out of timeout. He went to the kitchen and poured an entire glass of milk and an entire glass of Gatorade on the hardwood floor. While I scrambled to clean it up (tense change: he's still screaming), he grabs my journal and rips it. He knows exactly what he's doing.

I give him his medication. He throws himself into the dining room windows. He finds Josh's water bottle and pours out as much as he can. He's foaming at the mouth. 

My insides are full of glass shards tearing tissues. He goes for the lamp.

Three months ago, I almost killed myself. I had the pills lined up. I had the razor. I had written the notes.

He recovers suddenly. I do not.

Habits to Build.

1. Send out a writing submission each day.
2. Journal at least 5 pages a day.
3. Read a fairy tale every day.
4. Write down quotations each day until caught up.
5. Read poems daily.
6. Put away clothes daily.
7. Listen to music 3 times a week.
8. Write a new piece each week.
9. Finish 1 book or 2 books each week.
10. Cook something each week.
11.  Blog weekly.
12. Work on a novel or novella weekly.
13. Write a letter or card weekly.
14. Keep track of submissions on paper and in duotrope.
15. Push and keep all active writing out in circulation.

The Point.

 I'm wondering today, what's the point of living? I don't feel it today. Not the reading or the writing or the people. So it has to be the smallest things--eating sunflower seeds and drinking too much Dr. Pepper. Painting my nails with lavender glitter. Reading one poem aloud. Huddling under a heated blanket. Letting somebody read what I've written. Finding matching socks in the laundry basket. Drinking icy water from a pink bottle. Looking at a shelf full of books. Using a gel highlighter. Lighting a candle.