Stillness & Attention: Week 27.

Day 1: Saturday. We've begun the second half of the year. Josh wanted to get me a prize for my meeting some fitness goals, so we all went to Michael's. Oliver did great (I was quick), and I got those fairy stickers and Bella Grace Book of Lists. We went to the nearby Food Lion. Oliver did fine but didn't want his donuts or the chips he'd requested. We got plenty of frozen breakfast sandwiches and pita sandwiches since he ate so many during the week. 

Oliver had a pretty hardcore meltdown today. After we got home from getting groceries, he wanted to go to the park. Josh told him that he was going to eat lunch first. This was, apparently, beyond the pale. No matter how many times we said, "After Daddy eats," or "Not right now," or "Later," or "Soon," or "Daddy's going to eat, and then we'll go," he kept saying "Go pork!" I don't know if he doesn't understand our explanations or if he just refuses to wait. He started throwing his shoes (which are pretty big) around as hard as he could. He flung a basket of pens. He pitched a photo and broke the glass. Then, he ripped the coat hooks out of the wall, bringing down bits of plaster. He continued even after Josh was done eating and we told Oliver to go find his shoes so we could go to the park. I stood at the ready to clean up more glass. Josh screwed the coat hooks back up, trying to cover the gaping previous holes.  

And then, as suddenly as it had begun, it was over. We helped Oliver put on his shoes, and we went to the park.

He only wanted to stay for twenty minutes. I guess he had worn himself out having a tantrum. Luckily, once he's been out, he's usually satisfied for the day. Oliver doesn't always get what he wants when he wants it, but we make dozens of accommodations for him each day, trying to keep us all sane. I don't really know what else you do with a child who does not understand consequence. If we were to punish him, it would be disconnected cruelty for him. He doesn't have much currency anyway. I'll put away his tablet if he throws it (and I don't think he comprehends even that), but I'm not going to take away his food or his comfort items. Ah, parenting. 

Day 2: Sunday. I finished my cats-and-books journal today and started my Under the Light of the Moon journal, which I bought with birthday money from my dad last week. I love the illustrated pages. I don't find a lot of journals with those. Papaya Art is one of the best suppliers. 

Today, I read over 100 pages of Lost in a Book aloud to the boys, and we finished the book. I read about half of Billy Collins's The Rain in Portugal. I don't quite know what to think of his poetry, but I keep reading it. 

Day 3: Monday. I feel a lot of anxiety today over the state of the country and its future. I worry about Oliver's safety and care and about the perception of his humanity. Josh says some politician said that The Handmaid's Tale is the goal. In such a world, I'd lose Josh (my second husband), Oliver (the offspring of a second marriage), reading, and writing. I can't imagine how I'd survive. 

I have two Mary Oliver books to read soon. I've already read six of her books. As with Billy Collins, I don't quite know what to think of Mary Oliver's poetry, but I've read a lot of it. I'm not crazy about nature writing. I started reading Kaleidoscope by Brian Selznick to the boys today. I'm counting it as a short story collection; it's made up of little tales about two souls or entities in various forms. I bought the book at Kinokuniya in New York City. 

We got Chinese food today! I'm going to try to make my chicken and broccoli order last for three meals. It is a lot of food. We ended up at the park, where Oliver actually played in the water at the splash pad and I read some of Joyful to Josh. The book is full of interesting tidbits of information, much more concrete than I expected. 

I miss my cats more than usual today.

Day 4: Tuesday. I read two very long stories for the magazine last night, and then, I couldn't get to sleep. The fireworks were pretty loud. I slept a little and woke up at midnight, realizing I'd missed my night meds. I took them and ended up sleeping in my chair. 

I used my Amazon points to buy a cheap Discman and a white binder. The former is so that I can listen to my audio books at home and not only in the car. I've decided to keep an audio book going. I'd like to listen to The Testaments while I do chores. I'm trying to do better at keeping up with the dishes, the laundry, and the general picking up. I'm no housekeeper, and I don't really notice mess, but it bothers Josh. The binder is for a project idea I had. I was thinking I could make my own art journal using cardstock pages (I have a lot of cardstock), decorating them, and putting them in sheet protectors in a binder. I may not get time for that until school starts again.

Josh found out that he's been working extra hours, so he now gets to leave work at 5:00 instead of 5:30. I'm hoping that will make a big difference for our evening routine. It's usually such a rush--dinner for Josh, bath time for Oliver, bed time for Oliver. I'd like to have time to do yoga with Josh or at least read aloud a little. 

Oliver has been having a lot of accidents lately, both at night and during the day. It's a lot to deal with, and it makes me nervous about his place at his school. The school dismisses students who have multiple accidents. We may need to start scheduling bathroom visits again, taking him every hour or so. I hate to go backward with his independence, but something's not working. I remind myself that it's a miracle he's potty-trained at all. 

I've been keeping up with yoga. I'm trying to figure out how to have more open communication with Josh. He's reserved to say the least, and I tend to bury thoughts and feelings when they're uncomfortable or seem hopeless. I told him today, You are my lantern. Without you, all the light I find could fall away. 

Day 5: Wednesday. Today has been a joyful day. I wrote today and finished reading The Rain in Portugal, my third book for the month. I try to read some poems and some stories each day. I've been doing a little better with my habits. 

Josh and I had planned on buying furniture this year, specifically, a new dresser. But I decided that I'd get more joy out of seating. Our dresser is pretty and still works fairly well, and I was already thinking about keeping it for another year. But I've been wanting a cozy spot in the study, and we spend a lot of time standing or sitting on the bathroom floor while Oliver takes multiple daily baths. So I decided to get seating for the study and for the bathroom, and it was all still cheaper (even with a couple of pillows) than a dresser would have been. I'm excited about all of it. I want to spend more time in our study, which sort of doubles as a gym locker for Josh. I have a disc chair in there now, but it's not very cozy, and I'd like to put it back in Oliver's room. It's nice to have a place to sit in his room when he wants to play there (he always wants company). 

I needed to pay a bill today, and we had the money to pay it! That's a great feeling. I also get a lot of joy out of my daily life. Some things are hard (driving, appointments, meltdowns), but in general, I'm happy with my life. 

Day 6: Thursday. Last night, I forgot to take my meds, and I didn't sleep well. Under six hours of sleep is far too little for me. I do well closer to nine. So I woke up exhausted (Oliver got up at 4:30) and with very little coping ability. Josh went for a run, and Oliver insisted on a second bath before 6 a.m. while I was trying to sort out my meds. I must have said no thirty times, but he never stopped asking, breath by breath, with no change of inflection or speed as I became visibly distressed. The house was also freezing. 

For some reason, I could not handle this. Even when I finally gave in, Oliver kept repeating the words, "You wanna take a baff?" I put him in the bath, turned off the AC, and huddled up on the bed a few feet away in the adjoining guest room until he said (ten minutes later) that he wanted to get out. I couldn't sit on the wet (from the previous bath) bathroom floor for another minute. I think I'm going to have to make peace with multiple baths early in the morning. I mean, I'd like to relax in a hot bath in the morning. It will be a little easier when I have a chair to sit in. 

I write about this because some hours or even days are hard, and sometimes, my reactions don't match the situation. What's so bad about a bath? I just get worn and burned out and feel suddenly hopeless. From what I've read, this is not unusual among parents of children with special needs or even among parents in general. 

I felt nauseated with sleepiness and body tension (I've been sleeping on the couch or in my chair a lot because Oliver gets in our bed some nights and pushes one of us out). Josh asked if I needed him to stay home. I said no but said I might need him to take tomorrow off since he has a Friday to take this month. I originally wanted him to take that Friday off when Mom keeps Oliver, but I don't know if she will do that this month or when it will be. I'm trying not to save good things for an indeterminate "later." 

While Oliver played with his sheet protector and ate snacks, I managed to nap for a little over an hour, waking up periodically to respond to requests. Oliver asks for permission at every step ("Want some Gatorade? Wanna open it? Wanna put it back?"), so responses like "You can do it" are almost automatic. When I came out of this not-so-solid nap, I felt a lot less like I were going to explode or disintegrate. 

The Spectrum employee arrived (our Internet has been down by 30%, sometimes going out completely when Oliver wants to watch a YouTube Thomas video on his tablet. He was here for about an hour, putting in a new line. I'd told Oliver that a guy was coming to look at our computers (the closest explanation I thought he'd understand), so he was fine with it though very curious. When the employee vanished from sight outside where Oliver was stationed at the window, Oliver said, "Where's the guy?" This was pretty cute.

When that was done, I decided to soothe myself by decorating a journal with stickers and organizing my stickers. I have an excellent sticker collection that always cheers me up. I felt some better after that. I scribbled in metallic gunmetal gel ink when Oliver was occupied. Being home with him all day, all week, is harder than it may sound. I'm sure he gets bored and frustrated. We don't have a second car, and he's a flight risk, so I don't often take him out by myself (Josh is a runner, so he can catch Oliver). I set a daily alarm for my night meds and decided to take Xanax on the mornings when I'm especially tired or distraught. I'm not sure how to improve my sleep situation. 

Josh came home for a late lunch, and I leaned into him. After he left, I tried to read and planned on doing yoga, but I didn't end up feeling able to do much of anything besides attend to Oliver. I started feeling rough again. I decided to eat something (Jimmy Dean Delite breakfast bowl with egg whites, potatoes, turkey sausage, and cheese) and take ibuprofen. The pain in my neck and shoulders started to fade.

Josh got home, and I read a story from Kaleidoscope to him and Oliver while Josh ate dinner. I updated duotrope, putting in all my recent submission responses. I was behind, so I count that as writing work. Soon, it was time for the actual bath (that's for cleansing rather than just recreation) and close to bedtime. When the boys went to bed, I took my own bath, took Ambien, and read a story for the magazine. They're coming in quickly this week. I don't think I'll stay awake long. We often fall asleep while it's still light. The first week of July is over, and I don't feel I've accomplished enough. But today, I just needed to get through it. 

Day 7: Friday. Oliver woke up at 4:30 again, but I did get 8 1/2 hours of sleep, which is much better. I did take Xanax with my morning meds. The calming of the Xanax cancels out some of the energy of the Ritalin, but I feel pretty even. It's 7:37, and Oliver has not asked for a second morning bath yet. He's doing a lot of vocal stimming (self-stimulation) this morning as he lounges on his giant crash pad, which isn't unusual. I often barely notice it. He sounds like a pirate mutter-singing to himself. 

He has his sheet protector, which is his favorite object. He examines it, turns it, feels the edges, looks through it, swirls it, and sends it out like a paper airplane. Occasionally, it swoops under the furniture, which necessitates a lot of searching and moving of said furniture. When Oliver is having a hard time, I sometimes give him a fresh (unblemished! unwrinkled!) sheet protector. We discovered this love by total accident when I tore open a package of sheet protectors, which I use to organize my stickers, and they flew all over the guest room. Oliver was instantly fascinated. This has replaced his very messy previous habit of shredding magazines. We now have a green polka dot bin in the guest room, where he likes to hang out sometimes when he wants to be alone but not too far away from us, to hold the many sheet protectors he's saved. His therapists and his teachers have been great about supporting this odd but helpful self-soothing object. 

Josh is out running, but he's home for the day. Friday is cleaning day, so I'm thinking about laundry I need to put away and clutter I need to tackle. Josh calls me a clutterbug. I'm not exactly a mess (well...), but I make concentrated collections of objects like books, notebooks, pens, stationery, art supplies, and the like in specific places close at hand, like on my chair or my ottoman or next to the bed. I organize the objects periodically. I draw a lot of comfort from objects; I've learned to embrace this though people see it as being materialistic. 

Plans for later in the day include going to the library (with, hopefully, more than a couple of books to return) and having Bruce over for a visit. Oliver will be very excited to see Bruce. Bruce and I usually spend time together on Friday nights. I used to watch shows at his house, but we've been going out more lately (and by going out, I mean going to Barnes and Michael's) because I need to get out. We don't have a show this month or next month, but the new season starts in September with an exciting schedule. I still can't believe I go to about nine shows a year.

I finished cleaning up my chair and ottoman. The ottoman is my center of operations, so it will still look cluttered to most people. I should have taken a before shot!