Stillness & Attention: Week 32.

Day 1: Saturday. I met a major fitness goal! Josh gave me two prizes: Rainbow OPTX indigo mood-enhancing sunglasses (I didn't have any sunglasses) and three Art Nouveau Disney Princess art prints by Hannah Alexander! 

My black dress pants arrived today, and they fit! So I now have two pairs of jeans and one pair of dress pants in my current size, all petite. I ordered a try-before-you-buy pair of denim shorts (also Democracy). We'll see what I think of those. I also ordered a set of try-before-you-buy colorful yoga shorts in a smaller size as my two current pairs of park-worthy shorts are a little too large. I don't really need five pairs of athletic shorts, though. 

I checked out eight books yesterday. I returned three, only one of which I'd read. Oh well. European Travels and Arias need to go back; nothing else is due soon. I checked out two books of poetry. I'm excited about What Moves the Dead, which is under 200 pages. Oliver and I did a cut-and-glue worksheet yesterday. We're making our way through the summer packet. I did yoga and listened to The Testaments last night. Then, I read a story for the magazine. I'm very behind on reading. I have three or four stories waiting. I have three loads of laundry to put away and another two to run. Josh changed our sheets and Oliver's sheets while I was at the library yesterday--so sweet. 

The jewelry box I ordered arrived, and though it's not as big as I anticipated, it will help me organize. It's pink faux velvet, and I plan to put my favorite jewelry in it. None of my jewelry is "real," but it is lots of fun. The skinny pink cart I ordered arrived too; I built that myself last night. It fits perfectly in the awkward space between our bathroom vanity and the wall, with enough room for our scale. I put daily items like toothpaste, leave-in conditioner, and body spray on the first shelf; philosophy 3-in-1s on the second shelf; shaving cream on the third shelf; and deodorant for all of us on the bottom shelf.

I did get a big prepper bottle of vegetable oil today. I got ingredients for pasta salad and for rice and beans, and I already have everything for fried rice. And I got multicolored daisies. I put the good roses in the purple and gold glass by the sink. Oliver got Popsicles today--strawberry, all fruit, no sugar added, lots of vitamin C. They're one of the healthiest things he eats. We bought some Pediasure...we'll see if we can get him to drink any of it. 

It's getting hot. I put bronze glitter drops in my sunscreen. They glitter rainbow. The sky looks bluer through my sunglasses. We're at the splash pad, and Josh is picking up Baldino's for lunch. A bunch of balloons have made it into the gates of the splash pad. Kids are getting angry about them. It's getting hotter, stickier. Two young Mormon missionaries spoke to us. They asked to pray for us. I told him our son has special needs and his name is Oliver, so they prayed for him. We declined the fifteen minutes of evangelism though. I tried to be kind and make them feel they'd accomplished something. 

The kids' sub I ordered was tiny but good. I ate all the lettuce, tomato, and cucumber with the turkey and provolone. It's 1:35, and we've been here for three hours. We're going to have to use a bribe to get home. 

Ah, we're home. The ice cream bribe worked. Oliver must have known he was hot and tired. My Berry Pop and Cherry Slush energy drinks arrived. I want to get a lot of organizing done tomorrow, so I'm going to drink a grape Bang that I got at the grocery store. 

Day 2: Sunday. 8:30. I woke up at 7 to Oliver asleep next to me. He's still asleep now. He woke up at 4 today and yesterday, but today, he decided to go back to sleep. I hope he sleeps a while longer. Josh is out running 10 miles. We got to spend a few minutes together when I got up. 

The last two nights, I've read a story for the magazine, but I still have three to go. I didn't do yoga last night. Josh and I exchanged back tickles. One of my few memories of my Grammy, who died when I was four, is of her tickling my back, arms, and face. My Great Aunt Linda, who died years ago, used to tickle my back in her king-sized bed, read me fairy tales, and sing me songs. She lived far away in New Mexico. When she was dying, I didn't know what to do, so I sent her a love letter. She called me "Little Becky" because I was named after her daughter Becky.

I read an article from Enchanted Living and then read two-thirds of Real Simple. I skipped a couple of articles like one on yard work. I found a couple of books to add to my list. I'll never come anywhere near getting through that list, but I love planning my reading even though my plans are overly ambitious. 

In a few weeks, Josh and I will go to Asheville. I'll read to the boys in the car on the way to Charlotte, and then, I'll read to Josh in the car. Maybe we'll finish a book. I can't wait to lie in bed with Josh, doing nothing for a few hours. If he naps, I'll read or write or watch a movie or just think. I'll be content. I'll take a bath in the middle of the day. We'll walk around downtown and find little shops and restaurants. When was our last trip together? I guess it was New York at Christmas. I didn't think we'd travel this year. But we should try to take a little trip each year, even if it's just to Southern Pines. 

Josh's schedule is now in place, assuming it doesn't change (we never know). He has twenty-four contact hours, which means a four-hour overage. That means extra pay, which is good. Most of his classes are online this semester. So we're going to have time together every morning. On Tuesdays, we'll have the whole school day together, he'll be able to take Oliver to OT, and then Josh will teach a night class. Josh will spend more time working in other parts of the college while he's on campus, so he'll do more work at home. I'm glad I have a place to sit now while he works at his desk. I'm just grateful that he will be around so much. I can't wait to have regular alone time with him again, a few hours here and there. Oliver will get to see him more too. I think Oliver will be glad to be back in the routine of school when it's time--apart from not having the option to sleep in and do his summertime morning routine. 

9:52. Oliver is still asleep, and Josh is back and showered. I'm drinking a little bottle of sugar-free lemonade. The day is bright, and I'm smiling. I'm so thankful for this time in the study. It's my favorite place in the house. 

Oliver is up now, and Josh is giving him a bath--bless him. I sent out an E-mail to the grandparents about the birthday party idea. Dad, who lives in Atlanta, and Josh's parents have replied that they'll come! I spent some time making a wish list for Oliver's birthday because buying him presents is very difficult. It's mostly clothes one size up and books we can read aloud to him, lots of Newberry winners. 

4:52. I have laundry going, and I just made fried rice. As I was cooking, I realized that I haven't eaten today! I drank a glass of apple juice while I cooked, and I'm having another now. Oliver has seemed fairly content to follow me around today. I've done a lot. I organized my jewelry, posting some that someone will pick up tomorrow morning. I completely reorganized the wardrobe, pulling out a few more magazines; arranging the books I'm going to quote; and sorting journals by priority, brand, binding (spiral or not), and paper quality (fountain pen sturdy or not). I ended up with extra room. I found several journals and notebooks I'm not going to use, and Victoria is going to pick them up tonight along with some more sticky notes. I also found some unopened frames someone is supposed to come get. I went through all my hair accessories and found a bunch of headbands and barrettes I hadn't used; someone is picking those up along with an old Franklin Covey planner. Someone is also coming to pick up all those kids magnets I took off the fridge. I'm only stuck with a (new with tags) swimsuit and a pair of (new with tags) rain boots. 

Day 3: Monday. Oliver got up shortly after Josh left. We went through the morning routine. While he was in the bath, I went through our posters. I threw away one and posted several. I did find the poster I was looking for plus two more I'll put up on doors: a Becky Kelly one and a mermaid Bath one. Yesterday, I moved the Mary Engelbreit book poster to the guest bathroom, moved the winter fairy (my Amy Brown fairy) to the study, and asked Josh to hang the Richard Marx lyrics upstairs. I figure they're relatively safe there because Oliver rarely melts down upstairs. 

We just did another worksheet, writing sentences. Oliver ought to be doing preschool work. At least the next worksheet is coloring certain objects certain colors, which is closer to his level. I enjoy using the glitter daubers with him. 

So this month, Biden will make a decision regarding student loans. Will he forgive any of them? Delay payments further? We'll see. I expect we'll have to start paying next month, and I have a number in mind. Everything depends on what happens with our rent. 

I'm sending back everything from my Stitch Fix. I don't need anything they sent. I'm thinking about what to wear to my next board meeting. I ordered some on-sale Betabrand hot-pink dress yoga pants. They can be my extra pair of pants in my current size. A small pink velvet ottoman arrived; I filled it with all my tank tops and leggings. Then, I took the too-small trunk that had held them and filled it with my rubber stamps (which had been in three different boxes). I gave away some of my stamps. I counted my empty pens for the year: 195. 

I just did a major closet purge. I took out fourteen pairs of pants and about two dozen shirts. I'm still keeping a sort of capsule wardrobe of a few sizes. I've started reading The Capsule Wardrobe by Wendy Mak. But a couple of people are coming for the rest of the clothes. I found some more of my current size pants in the closet in Oliver's room: two pairs of dress pants and one pair of capris, so I'm all set for this size! I'm sending back the other pair of dress pants. I also went through all my shoes but only gave away one pair. My shoes are awesome. 

I ran two or three loads of laundry and put away three baskets of laundry. I did the dishes, cleaned the stove, swept the kitchen, and ran the dishwasher. My Discman belt pack and portable DVD player and case arrived. I haven't tried any of them yet. I did do yoga and listen to The Testaments. I read one story for the magazine. 

Day 4: Tuesday. Mom said she could keep Oliver the weekend of November 6--when Dear Evan Hansen will be at DPAC! Ticket sales open for season ticket holders in just a few hours. I want to get them for Josh for our seventeenth anniversary since we didn't get to see the show in New York! 

I keep thinking I have nothing else to give away, and then, I find more. Last night, I gave away a purple mini flat iron I found! I'd never used it. I have the strangest things. 

Oliver peed his bed terribly. I ordered a king-sized plastic zip-up mattress cover; apparently, it tears. Hopefully, the bigger size won't. "Breathable" mattress protectors don't cut it. 

I put Josh's posters away and recycled mine. The large downstairs closet is even clearer. Excellent. I started a load of laundry (Oliver peed our bed as well) and unloaded the dishwasher. I haven't done a lot, but I feel as if I have. 

I got tickets! Fourth row center! They'll be great seats, and the show will be so different from when I saw it front row balcony with Bruce. It's just three months away! We may never get another chance to see the show as it's closing on Broadway and in London and the tour may end. I'm excited. I hope Josh will like the show.

I washed and posted four blankets I was done with, and someone picked them up. I packed up the books that are going to 2nd and Charles and put them in two boxes out of the way in the guest room. I cleared space atop the bookshelf by my chair and on my ottoman. Now, I can actually put my feet up. My tray fell apart, but I had that extra teal one I'd accidentally ended up with.

I took Josh's posters up to the attic and brought down old art, which someone picked up. I cut and laminated many art pieces and put them up around the house, including my Hannah Alexander prints above my chair. 

I'm not crazy about the way the prints look laminated, but they're safer from Oliver. I just had to cut a little off the bottom. 

I ran two or three loads of laundry and put away three baskets of laundry while listening to The Testaments. I read a middle-length story for the magazine. I didn't do any other reading. I found four more nice journals I'm not likely to use, and someone picked them up. I'm so glad to have a way to give away nice items. 

Day 5: Wednesday. Ten days from now is my friend Melissa's birthday, and Bruce and I will see Into the Woods. 

Josh is working out. The sunlight is coming into the study. I hope Oliver sleeps on for a while. Last night, I did yoga and listened to The Testaments. I'm craving nonfiction, so I've decided to do what I did last year: combine summer and fall, short stories and nonfiction. That gives me a lot more time to enjoy both. I make my own rules! That way, Unless It Moves the Human Heart and The Writer's Library will also count toward the seasons. 

I'm so exhausted. I feel like I need to be picked up and carried, and I'm not even sure where--probably just to bed. I don't feel like I can manage anything--not yoga, not reading, not the magazine, not even brushing my teeth again. 

Day 6: Thursday. It turned out that yesterday, I didn't have any Ritalin. I'd run out without realizing it until late in the day. That was part of the exhaustion. When Josh got home from work, we took Oliver to his appointment with his new psychiatrist. She was nice. She refused to prescribe Ativan as it can sometimes have the opposite effect in children. But she did prescribe hydroxyzine, which some people are taking instead of Xanax, and which can have a quick calming effect. I feel better having something. We're now over three weeks out from that terrible meltdown. 

After the appointment, which didn't take long, we took Oliver to get the customary post-appointment fries. Then, we picked up my Ritalin. The JFON fundraiser at Chili's began shortly, and I didn't feel like going home for fifteen minutes, so we went to Barnes. I accidentally left my purse in the car, further evidence that I wasn't feeling well. I explored the partially remodeled store while the boys sat in the cafe with a peanut butter cookie. Oliver walked around with us for a while, and then, we went to Chili's. 

We were surprised when Oliver insisted on going to the mall, which was close by. We haven't been to the mall in years. Oliver was not happy about going to a restaurant instead. He took off his Crocs, tried to climb out of the booth, and got loud. But eventually, he calmed down. We were asking a lot of him close to bed time. I had the Guiltless Grill sirloin with grilled avocado and asparagus, and it was so good. Oliver seemed glad to get home and didn't go to bed much later than usual. I crashed asleep with no preamble. 

I've rarely been so tired, and I'm still pretty tired. 6:23. Oliver slept through the night, waking me at 6 after Josh had left for his 6-mile run. Two or three people came to pick up things. Someone posted a desperate request for boys clothes in size 8, so I went through all of Oliver's clothes and ended up with a bag's worth that will be too small for him soon. I cleaned out the kitchen cabinets and drawers. I also shifted the shelves in the study to make more room for my short story collections. I'm glad I've decided to merge summer and fall. I'd like to make a nonfiction stack as well. 

I just ordered three prepper items: a lavender can opener (I feel nervous not having an extra), a battery-operated fan (Oliver will not sleep without a fan), and three flashlights. I am at peace. 

Today, I've been working on that introduction sheet for Oliver's teachers. I've revised it and added a section on scripts. It looks pretty dense, but I'm hoping it will make their lives easier. If they see it as obnoxious, oh well. I'm trying to be helpful and give them and Oliver the best chance of success. They won't have the benefit of an RBT who is familiar with him this year. I've decided to print and laminate copies for family members as well, including grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Most of them are very much in the dark about Oliver. I don't think any of them even read my blog. We don't really hear from most family members. We're pretty isolated. Most of the time, that's okay, but sometimes, it's lonely or even scary. 

As I was typing that (and more besides), my dad actually called me. I had texted him that we were seeing Oliver's new psychiatrist yesterday, and he asked how that went. He also told me that he has accepted a new job and in November, he and Michelle will be moving back to North Carolina! His job is flexible, so where they live will depend more on Michelle's work in veterinary radiation. Because of the machines she works with, they'll likely end up either in Matthews or Cary, both of which are within two or three hours of us. My dad loves to drive, so I imagine we'll see a lot more of him. Lately, we've only seen each other about twice a year. Our travel is limited of course, both in transportation and in where we can stay. But we do have a guest room! 

Day 7: Friday. August 12, and I've only finished one book this month. Well shameful. 

I'm so tired. I think I've hit an exhaustion wall. I really need a break. Asheville is still two weeks away. But at least Josh will start being home more. My body is tense, my head is heavy, and I haven't done yoga in two nights. 

Last night was rough because for some reason, Oliver didn't go to bed until 9:45. We're used to being in bed ourselves by 8. I slept on the crash pad, and Josh slept on the couch while Oliver hopped and yodeled. When the boys did go to bed, I took a bath and read a story for the magazine. I woke Josh at 10:30. He came to bed and immediately went to sleep. 

Oliver slept through the night and woke up at 6 when we were still in bed. Josh went for his run, and I gave Oliver his bath. I felt so worn out. Josh came back because a storm was building. He worked out, and I finished Oliver's routine. I sat in the study, but I don't know what I did. I haven't looked at magazines in days. 

When Oliver wanted me to sit in my chair and play videos for him, I worked on adapting the introduction sheet for family. I thought, what would they need to know if they had to care for Oliver in an emergency? I made a lot of changes and additions. Getting it down to a front-and-back sheet was tough. It would also be good for a respite care worker if we ever have one again though I can't imagine having the money for that. 

Oliver played outside until the major rain came. Then, he asked to go to his room with me. I brought my book and journal, but it was too dark with the storm. I slept for an hour and a half. Then, I got up, went to the study, and read as much as I could of Arias. I also cooked tricolor pasta for pasta salad and put it in the fridge. 

When Oliver woke up, he'd peed his bed and clothes, so I gave him another bath, helped him dress again, stripped his sheets, and cleaned the new mattress cover. He ate some macaroni and cheese and watched some more videos. I didn't get back to my book. I got a work call, which was a relief. Now, I know the reception I'll get at the event tomorrow. 

Josh came home, and I went to the library for a few minutes, listening to The Graveyard Book in the car. When I got back, I finished making pasta salad, and we had that for dinner. Josh gave me a shoulder massage, which was another big relief. His touch is the most soothing thing in my life. We cuddled on the crash pad until Oliver wanted more macaroni and then a bath. I decided to try to write five pages in my journal, not wanting to miss another day. My cleaning out and organizing frenzy seems to have subsided, but I'm still very tired. I did read more today than I have in, perhaps, two weeks. My tiredness just keeps getting heavier. I feel weighed down. I post depressing things on Facebook. I do it to raise awareness and to be real. It probably makes people uncomfortable. 

I called our property management company today and asked about renewing our lease. They said they'll reach out to the owner and get back to us. Our lease ends at the end of September. I'm afraid we won't be able to renew or we won't be able to afford the new rate. I love this place. Oliver loves this place. I would hate to lose it, and I would have to move...especially in the next month and a half. I hope we hear back soon. 

7:17. Oh, thank God--Oliver is asking to go to bed. Maybe tonight, I'll catch up on sleep.