Stillness & Attention: Week 33.

Day 1: Saturday. I feel pretty good today. I did yoga and listened to The Testaments last night--I'm on the last disc! I slept for over nine hours; I think that's just what I needed. I slept the last few hours in Oliver's bed because he took over my spot. I sat in the study while Josh worked out, and we had twenty or thirty minutes to talk. Then, I filled the cooler backpack with water bottles (including my cool gold glitter water bottle) and Gatorade and put on my new charcoal shorts and Shine Bright Autism Speaks tee. Oliver woke up while I was getting ready. I'd been thinking about what to tell me we were doing. I decided on, "We're going to play outside with some of Mama's friends." He seemed okay with that and got up so I could help him get dressed. Josh and I took turns with teeth brushing, meds, sunscreen, and shoes, and I put on my indigo sunglasses. 

The athletic complex was quite nice. We didn't have as much of a turn out as I'd hoped, but a lot of consumers were there. Josh helped set up some tents. Oliver and I ran around in the grass a little. At first, he wanted to go home, but he warmed up to being outside. Josh and I played soccer while Oliver wandered and watched us. Then, Josh ran on the track and did his personal best mile. We talked to my friend Miss Sheila, and I spoke briefly to the two awesome interns. After we'd been there for a couple of hours, we left to get Oliver, who'd been a good sport, some hashbrowns. We decided to go ahead and get groceries so we wouldn't have to do it tomorrow. I got blue and white hydrangeas. 

At home, we put everything away. I got irritable, and Josh told me to sit down and brought me some pasta salad. I realized that I'd forgotten to eat breakfast. After about twenty minutes, I felt better. Josh was cleaning the house. I played The Testaments and put away three baskets of laundry. 

We'd gotten a little BlendJet in the hopes of making Pediasure milkshakes or smoothies for Oliver. Josh was about to eat some blueberries, so I suggested we make a smoothie with blueberries, banana, and ice. It turned out really well! Oliver showed no interest, so I don't know how that will go. 

Day 2: Sunday. I'm very close to my next fitness goal, closer than I expected. That's exciting. 

I have a lot to look forward to: Into the Woods, Asheville, Dear Evan Hansen, Josh's class schedule starting, Oliver's school starting in three weeks. So much good is coming. And I'm happy right now in the sunlight of my study. Josh is out doing his 12-mile run. 

I didn't read for the magazine last night. But I did do yoga and finish The Testaments! That brings me to ninety-six books for the year. 

Some of my hydrangeas have already died. I guess they weren't the best choice. 

Oliver's OT bill is still outstanding despite the ESA approval from two weeks ago. I need to call the clinic. A clinic with that name in this city got almost $200 of our funds for a child with Oliver's name, so I'd like to know where that wound up. If the ESA payments aren't going to work, it may be time to stop OT at least for now. We can teach him on a daily basis more than a professional can teach him in one hour per week. 

In the grocery store yesterday, he suddenly looked up at me and gave me a brilliant smile. It put some of my pieces back together. 

I got Oliver ready for the day and made a smoothie with fresh black grapes and frozen blackberries. Oliver and I did a worksheet, writing numbers hand over hand. He can identify most numbers ten and under. He peed our bed, so I have laundry going. 

I just got an acceptance from California Quarterly! They are printing my poem "Teetotaler" in their autumn issue. Exciting! 

I switched the laundry and loaded and started the dishwasher. Oliver is tired. I suggested that he lay down on his crash pad, and he did. Now, he's sitting on the couch with Josh.

Now, they're both asleep. I put a blanket over Oliver's feet and a pillow under his head. I hope he doesn't pee on the couch. I read a story for the magazine. Two more are waiting. I made rice and beans. I think I'll add more black beans next time.

My lamp arrived, so Josh built that while I got Oliver ready for bed. I haven't read much today, but I have scribbled a lot more than I have in a while, which feels nice. Sweet Josh is upstairs changing our sheets while I listen for Oliver, who's playing outside in his pajamas. I'm thankful that I have such a kind husband. 

I've had two good nights of sleep, and I'm feeling much better. 

Day 3: Monday. I did yoga and listened to The Graveyard Book last night. I brought the CDs in from the car. I'll check out another audio book soon as I'm on disc 2 of 7. Today is Josh's first day of classes and his new schedule. Despite the fact that Oliver woke us at 6 and peed our bed, it's been a pretty relaxed morning for me. I started the day with a load of laundry. He only got our fitted sheet, so I'm just washing that. Remaking the bed will be easy. Josh kindly took care of the morning routine. We got to sit together in the study for a little while, and then, he worked out. Josh is seeing his therapist this morning; he hasn't seen her since spring. 

I still need to flush my fountain pens. I plan to finish my current journal, write in one more standard journal (so I'm not dealing with ink in Asheville), and then go back to fountain pens. Josh put the art back up in the guest room and fixed the lamp. I hadn't asked before...I just let the guest room be kind of a wreck ever since Oliver's meltdown. But I've cleaned it up from my organizing and giving away, and now, it looks better. 

I spoke to the clinic. The supervisor is out of town, so they will get back to me about the bill on Wednesday. I still got another annoying "no patient response" automated E-mail about it. I guess they'll expect payment tomorrow. They'd better credit me. 

Josh went to his appointment, came home and napped on the couch, and then went to work. Oliver asked for macaroni, and I put some shredded chicken into it. He didn't seem to mind. I'll see what else I can sneak into it...maybe some vegetables. Josh will go to 'greens after work to pick up meds and look for more mac. We'll be together for most of the day tomorrow. I'm going to go along to OT. We'll probably take Oliver to the park in the morning since we'll have time. The splash pad will close next month, and Oliver will have to be content with running around the playground again.

Sparkle Pop pens are 47% off on Amazon today. Oh dear. 

I just read the longer story for the magazine. It was good! The other one is about the same length. I'll probably read it tomorrow. Oliver is in a good mood. I've finished reading The Capsule Wardrobe. Two dresses is not enough for me, but I did order two versions of the LBD to try. I've been needing a new one since I wore out my Old Navy swing tank dress with the 40-Day Dress Challenge. I ordered a couple of different sizes try-before-you-buy, so we'll see what fits and what goes back to UPS. One dress is more formal; the other is more casual but also more versatile. One is more theatre while the other is more school pick-up line. 

Evening. I'm suddenly depressed and anxious. Josh very stressed about this semester. He has the highest number of students he's ever had, six contact hours over last year's full-time load, and a new requirement of eighty approved and documented hours of work per semester outside his department in addition to professional development and professional goal attainment. He's also taking American Lit this semester. I had it in my head that things were about to get much better, but maybe they're about to get worse. I can't do anything to make life better for Josh. I don't even want to get up in the morning. 

Day 4: Tuesday. Today is our fifteen-and-a-half-year wedding anniversary. I woke up at 6 this morning when our car alarm went off. The boys slept right through. Josh woke up an hour later. I've mostly just been thinking. 

Last night, I woke Josh and did some crying. He said he was looking forward to spending time with me. He thinks a lot of hope is in that. He keeps that in the back of his mind even though the semester will be stressful and difficult. He said that, unlike in the spring, he feels fully capable of doing the work. He said my doing the daily chores does make a difference, and he didn't mean to vomit all his stress on me. I don't want him to feel alone with it. But I definitely felt hopeless last night.

Here's Oliver. 

I feel emotionally weary today but not hopeless. I need to be careful to recover myself from every physical, emotional, and mental blow. I'm not staring into the abyss today; I'm sort of sitting in a camp chair beside it. Josh did his run, made a strawberry-blackberry smoothie, cut back some foliage in the alley, and took a shower. Now, he's working at his desk. I got Oliver ready for the day, made my to-do list for the next couple of days, and made a strawberry and banana smoothie with half a cup of apple juice--delicious. I tried making Oliver the same smoothie with a little Pediasure; he refused. It looks and smells good; he might like it if he'd try it. Then, we could get Pediasure and fruit into him. I bribed him with Skittles to try it. Some got in his mouth, but he was not convinced. Then, I tried making a milkshake with Pediasure and ice cream. Again with the Skittles. Again, no success. At least now, I can tell his doctor we tried everything. I even tried adding whipped cream. 

The clinic called. They did get that money! Whew.

I felt snacky today, so I ate turkey sticks, Cheddar Believe It Moon Cheese, and baby carrots for lunch. I'd like to increase my fruit and vegetable intake, maybe sometimes getting that five a day. Today has felt a little weird, kind of unreal. I don't think I took my afternoon meds. I feel pretty tired. I felt Josh's dread over class tonight, and OT is always tiring. But today, I got Oliver ready. I got myself ready--I showered, dressed, brushed my hair, put on makeup, and wore jewelry. I sparkled. I wore lighter Democracy jeans in my smaller size, a pink sparkle tank top, light pink glitter shoes, Zeeza pink glitter Alice in Wonderland eye makeup, and my pink key Betsey Johnson charm necklace. I talked to Oliver's therapist, a lead OT, about CREST, and she made notes. She knows a lot of people who need to know about it. I had enough calories left over for the day, so I got a Quarter Pounder when Oliver got his post-appointment fries. Josh had the idea of making Popsicles out of Pediasure smoothies, so I ordered a Popsicle mold. We'll try it!

Josh and I haven't been sharing our best things each day. 

Day 5: Wednesday. 

Best Things:

1. Quiet morning study time

2. 9 hours, 47 minutes of sleep

3. Redacted 

4. Caught up on magazine reading

5. Received disability benefit for the month

Just four whole months are left in the year. I still need to work on my low-buy guidelines. I was thinking I'd get two new subscriptions next year. One will be Oh Reader magazine. But I haven't found a second magazine I want. A box? I don't think so. I may find something later. 

I pre-ordered something as an anniversary gift that will be from Josh, bending the rules a bit. It's a Diamine Inkvent Calendar. I've never had one. It's twenty-four tiny bottles of new inks and one regular-sized bottle, all new colors with some sheens and shimmers. It comes out in October around our seventeenth dating anniversary. I'm going to open it then instead of waiting for December because trying all the inks will take me much longer than twenty-five days. I'm very excited about it. Inkvent inks often turn out to be amazing. 

Mid-week. Oliver woke up around 3 and again around 5. I slept a little past 6. I managed to get over nine hours of sleep. I didn't do yoga last night, but I did read that story for the magazine. I'm now totally caught up on that, for the moment at least. When I came down this morning, Josh had already worked out and done Oliver's morning routine; bless him. He worked at his desk for a while. I was having bad cramps and rested on the loveseat. Josh later rubbed my back--double blessings. Oliver was tired, so he asked to go to his room with Josh. Now, it's 8:19, and I'm scribbling in the sunshine. I'm still cramping but not as much. 

Josh will be able to come to the school's open house with me this year. Whew. I'll be glad to have him with me, and he'll get to meet the teachers and see how Oliver acts. And Josh's presence should put Oliver more at ease. I hope the classroom isn't in a weird place like on the third floor (where Oliver does not like to go). I'm going to be much more sociable this year. I wonder if Oliver will be in a classroom with some of the same boys. I'm really hoping Miss Elizabeth, the TA, will still be there. That would make me feel so much better, but it seems unlikely. 

Josh only has to work for two hours today. Then, he'll be back home right after 2. On Wednesdays, I won't have to leave the house as Josh can go straight from work to pick up Oliver from school. I can stay home on Tuesdays too if I don't go to OT, and I don't plan on going every week. I do want Josh to see me get ready regularly, unlike this summer when I rarely have gotten ready. 

The boys are still asleep. The clonidine now knocks Oliver out. I won't give it to him again until Sunday. We'll just do twice a week until school starts; then, we'll probably stop all together. It's a beautiful day, and I have two weeks left in this month. What can I do with those two weeks? How many books can I get through? If I can get through Arias, I can push through more, shorter books of poetry. I did read two poems yesterday. I do think I'll pick up FWDGF (kind of offensive title, so I won't use it) since I'm in the mood for nonfiction. I did enjoy Women, Work, and the Art of Savoir Faire. I remember reading it at work in a closet while I used a breast pump. Bruce was on the other side of the wall in his shared office. He's moved on up in the last ten or eleven years. 

What will happen with our lease and our rent? I don't want to move Oliver. It's such a massive adjustment for him, and I would hate for him to lose the backyard he can wander in freely. I do not want to move for so many reasons. This house is almost 100% perfect for us. Surely the owner would have already told us if he had decided to sell. Josh just got up; Oliver sleeps on. 

For LowBuy next year, I think my limit will be ten new inks, probably my favorite new Inkvent colors. Any other inks can be gifts. I'll start running out of room in my ink drawer! I've still got to flush those pens. I'll leave them empty until I'm ready to use them. 

Josh is sitting beside me playing video games. The board meeting is one week from tomorrow. But I'll be focused on the Asheville trip--which is next week! I hope it's wonderful. It will be too short. It will be our first spark of alone time together in over two months. We did get that one three-night weekend this summer. 

I received my benefit for the month and paid off our Asheville trip. We have enough money for the rest of the month without touching our savings. While Oliver has been sleeping, I've read quite a bit of Arias. I'm not done with it yet, but I'm close. Throughout the day, I also read about one hundred pages of FWDGF. I love reading about French women, and I really am in the mood for nonfiction. One thing I have not done at all lately is read aloud to the boys. Shameful.

Day 6: Thursday. Every date in August seems significant for some reason. It's not a bright day so far. I woke up an hour ago just to wake up on my own terms. Oliver woke up shortly thereafter. I'd thought Josh was out running, but he'd messaged me that he was trying to sleep in Oliver's room. So I gave Oliver a bath and brushed his teeth. I thought it would be funny when we went to his room to get him dressed. Indeed, he let out an offended gasp when he saw Josh--he'd had to deal with the inferior Mama while Daddy was available! Josh got up, and when Oliver asked to "go get some cashbrowns," Josh said yes. Oliver looked shocked and quickly put on his Crocs. 

I put away four baskets of laundry. That's all the laundry for now. That took a while. Oliver seems to enjoy following me around while I do housework. Josh brought home Chinese food, and to our great surprise, Oliver ate a ton of broccoli in brown sauce! He wanted nothing to do with the rice or the chicken, and he made quite a mess, but it was great! Maybe we should get Chinese food more often...

I talked to my mom on the phone for the first time in weeks. She's been quite busy with company. I'd sent out the Oliver information sheets and shopping lists I've been working on like crazy, and she thought maybe I wasn't okay. I told her I was okay, just feeling anxious and isolated, and I want everyone to have a clue about how to care for Oliver. I updated her on my mood, my exhaustion (much better), Josh's work, and CREST. Radar, her Frenchie, has a rare cancer. I'll try to call her next week. 

My pink Betabrand pants arrived. They're a little small, but I can get them on. I wouldn't wear them in a professional situation yet. They'll look good with black, gray, brown, purple, and green. They're more rose than fuchsia. The fancier black dress came. It's not very fancy, and I don't really like it, so I'll probably return it. 

I did really well with NoBuy for the first six months of the year. I've done pretty well with NoStuff since then, but I've done some spending for the future. My household spending was within the furniture budget. I did buy tickets for Bruce and I to see Into the Woods, which I do not regret. And I'm only excited about the Inkvent calendar, which will really be a gift from Josh--he usually just gives me what I request anyway. I can still finish the year strong. I have four months left. Gifts, fitness prizes, clothes for significant weight loss, and points/gift card spending only. 

Day 7: Friday. Josh scared me yesterday, thinking I'd missed the board meeting. I hadn't changed the date in the calendar. That's next week, right before our trip. Everyone will see my nose stud and be scandalized (I wore a mask last time); I always forget I have it. At least the director and Miss Sheila have already seen it. I know what I'm going to wear; I'll feel fancy and pretty. I won't be able to help feeling good with the trip coming. And Miss Sheila will be there; she puts me at ease. In fact, she's one of the people who naturally puts me most noticeably at ease. Josh asked me about that. I said he, Bruce, Nanna, and Uncle Chris are on the list. Michelle (my dad's wife) and my childhood best friend's mom Vicki are nearby too. 

I made a smoothie with frozen peaches, milk, and apple juice. I seem to be enjoying smoothies more than whole fruit. Maybe it's a texture thing. 

I just posted all those size 8 boys clothes since the "desperate" mother never came to get them. I'd like to get the bag out of the guest room. Yes, someone is coming.

I did read some of Arias yesterday but not nearly enough. I need to finish it today so I can return it. I also have to read that 7k-word story for the magazine today. Those are my two reading priorities. It's sprinkling outside. It's going to be gloomy. I'm glad I got that bright lamp. 

Miss Sheila is dropping off some CREST pamphlets and business cards I requested. I want to give some to Oliver's therapist next week.

I slept until 7, which was nice. I snuggled up on the loveseat, and Josh came down a little later. Oliver quickly followed. Josh started the bath and then worked on attendance while I finished the morning routine. Josh went for a run and then did an orientation for USCRI. 

Last night, I did do yoga, but I didn't feel like listening to my book. I also updated my planner. Today, I've started making my weekend to-do list. Oliver is watching his Oliver playlist (many, many videos of himself), and Josh is leaving for work. I won't get anything done around the house for a while. Oliver really wants us to be still while he watches videos. But he now tolerates trips to the bathroom and the kitchen, thank goodness. 

I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, did a little work cleaning up my chair, and finished the pile of filing that has been waiting on me for some time. I also worked on reorganizing some of the files, especially the mass of IEP paperwork. I still have a lot of organizing to do, but the filing cabinet looks a little better, and I got rid of some redundant files. That's what I was working on while Josh did weekly cleaning. Before that, he gave me a great lower back rub, which banished what I hope were the last of my cramps. 

I did finished Arias at last! I went to the library just to drop off Arias and The Testaments. Now, I've read two books this week, four books this month, and ninety-eight books this year. Not great for the month but great for the year. I can read a lot of short books in the next twelve days. I don't know if I can read eight books and reach my goal of twelve books for the month, but I can make more progress. I need to finish Uniquely Human, which has been on my shelf forever. Maybe it will teach me something about Oliver. I do kind of feel like I can read anything right now. It's a powerful and hopeful feeling. I'd like to feel this way all the time.