Alive.

I don't really feel tired. I mostly feel mentally drained. But I do feel some hope about my health. It seems like mornings are hard, but afternoons are easier. Even evenings are better than they were. Bruce says I should ease into my days. I've always been at my best in the afternoon anyway. Everything is amplified. 

I finally feel better enough physically to be afraid of everything else.

But I know this much: I will not end up in the hospital. I will keep up with my meds. I will take care of myself. I will seek support. If Josh is too broken, if Mom and Bruce are too busy, if Melissa is too distant, I'll find others. I will call Sheila if I have to. I will take people at their word. I will call Nanna. If Josh is passed out from narcolepsy and I'm alone, I will find someone to talk to. Jessie has agreed to be my friend. Let's support each other, she said. Megan is my friend. 

I will build a life. If I can't teach here, I'll teach somewhere else, or I'll tutor a bunch of kids. I'll keep my Medicare. We've gotten Medicaid for Oliver before. We've gotten SNAP before. I'm trying to look at all the worst things that can happen and believe I can survive them. I have survived a lot this year, more than anyone knows about.

I need to stop clenching my teeth. I need to print out my December chart. These first two days, if nothing else, I've written five pages. That's a start.  I read six or seven poems last night. I'll read more before I go to sleep. I've worked hard. I'm getting healthier. What I cough up is clear now. No headache, no fever today. Maybe tomorrow will be another fever-free day after a month at the boilibg point.

I will make it through this year, and I will shine next year. I will store joy in my cheeks. I will drink iced peppermint mochas every day if I need to. I will burn candles and light lights long after the holidays. I will wrap Oliver in light.

I may not be able to hold this whole family together. I may not be able to provide. But I will be present and well, even if parts of my body are failing. I will be alive.