Can This Man Be Believed? On Faith.

 Maybe I'll go ahead and get my Bible reading done during the day. It seems heavy at night--all the judgment and punishment. Make thieves and then punish them. Why would a loving God allow, let alone inflict, such suffering? 

I've been married to Josh a long time. Sometimes I think he does believe in God but does not believe Him to be good. Yet we're damned if we don't believe or don't revere. It's unfair, but what is the point in resisting, in rebelling? It won't change God. It will only cause more suffering. And apparently, God is right while what we feel and are is wrong. Maybe this crisis of faith is linked to other fallings out. 

It's hard to read God's word and see Him as all loving. He seems to delight in destruction of his own creations. So maybe that's where I am--not wondering if God is real but wondering if He is good. We believe God is good because He tells us He is. I guess He's God, so He can do whatever He wants. 

But what do you do with a vengeful, cruel God? He's still God. He'll still destroy the unfaithful. You can't vote Him out of office. I probably shouldn't be reading the Old Testament right now, but that's where I am. 

How is it that the good things that happen come from God but the bad things do not? What is the point of prayer if God has already made all His decisions...or decided to allow whatever humans will do? 

I can follow a God who made Oliver the way he is. Can I follow a God who would send my husband to hell? Can I believe that's what will happen? And how did Josh reject his faith so completely, not just with doubt but with contempt? Nothing horrible happened to him to begin it. But then nothing horrible happened that I can link to this questioning. 

My mom once told me that God is not a punishing God. But He clearly is in scripture. How much did Jesus change God's ways? And if God makes the rules, why doesn't He change them? Did He? 

I don't know what to believe. Maybe I'm just damned. Maybe I always have been. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 13.

Day 1: Yesterday, I picked up my Daily Bible and started reading where I left off in July a couple of years ago. I decided to go ahead and finish the reading, working on it each day. Some of this stems from my faith, some from my questions and doubts, and some from basic literary and cultural scholarship. 

I wanted to submit fiction to a magazine that has published my poetry. It centers on fairy tales and considers three pieces of flash fiction at a time. I found a brief story based on a dream; I'd completely forgotten it, and my readers (Josh and Bruce) say they never read it. It's not fanciful but has a fable-like quality. So I needed two more pieces. My other fairy tales are too long. I stared at the blank screen for a minute, but nothing came. Having given up, I turned to a new page in my journal and wrote a 400-word story called "Berry and Blanket." I was excited--this was my first piece of short fiction in a long time, maybe a year or so. 

And today, The Necklace That Does Not Exist (as Josh bought it with money outside space and time) arrived! It's a Betsey Johnson Tzarina jewelry box necklace. It has Betsey Johnson's darling hematite bows, a rhinestone-studded hand mirror, and a little gold and pink glitter jewelry box...that opens.

Inside are a jewel, a gold heart necklace, and a ballerina. I can't wait to wear it.

I've made a lot of progress with Neverland; I'll try to finish it this weekend. I finished off my B&BW Sparkling Limoncello shower gel today. I like to have a few gels going at once. I'm really loving the philosophy Cinnamon Buns 3-in-1. 

Day 2: I finished Neverland and finished a journal! Neverland was a biography, but not just of one person. It was primarily about J. M. Barrie, George du Maurier, and Daphne du Maurier. The latter's adolescent journals will not be published until 2039--I'll be on the watch for them. I'll be...54 then. Dang. I've now started the Paperblanks Violet Fairy journal. It sparkles in sunlight.

I've been writing with a Sunburst metallic pen in purple. 

Oliver had a meltdown today. It was pretty bad. He didn't hit anyone or break anything, but he did a lot of screaming. After a long time, we got him to the park, and he recovered for the most part. Josh and I will be slower to recover. I found a homework assignment in Oliver's backpack tonight, and figuring that out put me over the edge, especially when we ran out of glue. But! Today, a whole box of pens arrived from Leah! I have enough pens now to last a few months I think.

Day 3: I've felt pretty fried today. I've been trying to reset. Josh and I had a little time together in the morning. I took a twenty-minute nap. I think I needed more than that. I've mostly done a lot of scribbling today. I've been finishing up an Ooly glitter pen in green. 

I don't feel like doing much of anything--reading or writing or anything else. I think I just need to put another night of sleep between myself and Oliver's meltdown. I also decided to surrender to the library gods and return all my late books. I've made a list so I can check them out again later. I'll shift my focus to the books that are due in April. Fully catching up isn't possible. I hate to admit defeat, but I do feel a little lighter. I returned Neverland today, and tomorrow, I'll ask Josh to help me return the eleven other late books. Bummer. 

But I'm starting Robin McKinley's Shadows. It's YA, so it works for my spring focus. I'm also starting Voracious, a food and literature memoir. These two are due on April 5, so I have some time to finish them. I've also been reading Snow White and Rose Red by Wrede. "SW & RR" is probably my second favorite fairy tale. My top five are probably

1. "The Twelve Dancing Princesses"
2. "Snow White and Rose Red"
3. "The Snow Queen"
4. "Cinderella"
5. "Beauty and the Beast"

And I'm reading a couple of poems from Dorianne Laux's Facts about the Moon each day. Reading poems is one of my daily habits, and I've been doing pretty well with my daily habits so far this month. 

I think I need extra stillness today. I don't have much attention to put to use. Josh is struggling today too. But in a few hours, we should be falling asleep together, and tomorrow will be new.

Day 4: Last night, I still did most of my reading (a little SW&RR, a day of the Bible, and some Laux poems), and I wrote a poem called "Practice." I wasn't very impressed with it, but Josh was!

This morning, I decided to spend some of my not-quite-with-it-enough-to-read-books morning time on a magazine. So I read the current issue of Real Simple. I think I'll start reading magazines in the early morning. Next up, the Bella Grace Cozy issue I've been meaning to read for months. Now that I'm returning my late books, I feel a little more free in my reading. 

I sent six poems to a lit mag. I also had my therapy session over the phone, and my therapist decided we should move from once every two weeks to once every four weeks! She was impressed that I haven't had any depressed days in March.

I found myself with a spontaneous, spreading smile because I thought, I can do this writing thing. I can send all my work out. I can write new poems every week. I can (I can) write a short story every week. It'll all take work, but I can do it and take joy in it. I'm not in danger of not reaching my reading goal (I'm almost halfway there after three months), so I can devote more time to writing. This week, I've written poems, written a story, and sent submissions with Oliver right there with me. It's all possible. Maybe I'll burst into light.

Day 5: Yesterday got hard. Occupational therapy makes Oliver's challenges, particularly issues I don't usually worry about, glaring. We're trying to teach him to buckle his seat belt, and his lack of interest and effort is enormously frustrating. But I rallied later in the day and wrote a poem called "Bound," a poem I've needed to write for a while and was suddenly able to write. 

Today, I got to spend the morning with Josh. We went grocery shopping and then rested. I always want more time with him. Spring break is coming up; Oliver's will be ten days plus two weeks of virtual learning. Then, we'll just have a a few more weeks of school. Josh and I will have no built-in time alone together. Josh usually wants to go to sleep early and to work out before Oliver gets up. It's going to be a long break (3.5 weeks) and a long summer (3.5 months). I'll just have to make peace with it. 

I've read 19 books this month, and I'd like to finish one more. That will probably be Facts about the Moon. I'm in a little bit of a reading slump, not especially interested in anything else I'm reading. But I've been keeping up with my Daily Bible and reading at least a tiny bit of YA lit each day. 

Today is World Bipolar Day, and my mood is fragile. Sunday's meltdown and yesterday's OT have left me pretty worn out. I've been taking a lot of bubble baths whenever I can, sometimes early in the morning. If I'm in a reading slump, my mood is not likely to improve. Tomorrow, I'll spend most of the day alone, and I hope to be productive and take good care of myself. Friday, I'll get another morning with Josh (no meetings this week!). 

Saturday, I get to go see Oklahoma! at DPAC with Bruce! That should be a renewing experience. I've been looking forward to the show. Bruce and I sing showtunes in the car, which is 20% of the fun. 10% of the fun is soft pretzels and M&Ms before the seating area opens. I remind myself how starstruck my younger self would be to know that I have season tickets to the theatre. I added all the dates for next season to my calendar. Our front-row balcony seats renew automatically, and I have a reasonable monthly payment. I never would have thought I could do such a thing without being rich. 

Every day since I finished my dress challenge, I've been wearing jeans. Democracy jeans are the best, and I have a few pair. I thought I might be wearing shorts soon, but the weather has been gloomy and chilly. That probably isn't helping my mood. Still, I've had a lot of joy in the last couple of days, a lot of those spontaneous smiles. That's where I want to focus.

I worked on Twitter a little today (@beckynjames). My tweets are primarily related to books and musicals. I also sent five poems to a lit mag. I currently have 41 pieces out and under consideration. I have 132 pieces listed on duotrope; that's not everything. I want to create master lists of my poems and stories. 

Day 6: I started the day with writing work, editing some pieces and making a writing to-do list. I sent five poems to a magazine. I've submitted 45 pieces this month! 

Last night, I finished Facts about the Moon (which, as it turns out, was actually book #21 for this month--I'd forgotten a book) and began Voracious. Today, I'm starting Nicole Sealey's poetry collection Ordinary Beast. 

I made pasta salad yesterday, and today, I baked garlic and herb chicken. I also made Green Giant's riced broccoli and chickpea pasta (like orzo), and it was very good! I've been scribbling a lot today, and I read a story for the magazine. I'm eager for a bath with a book and then bed. I get tomorrow morning with Josh, so I'm happy about that.

I attended a free seminar this afternoon on publishing work in literary magazines. I didn't learn anything major, but I did get some perspective. The teacher, who is widely published, has about a 7.5% acceptance rate. Mine from the last two years is similar, so that was encouraging. She said that when she's submitting diligently, she gets about 150 rejections and about 20 acceptances per year. That's also encouraging. And she only waits a couple of months to resubmit after a rejection, so I guess I don't need to wait a year for most magazines.

Day 7: I finished Ordinary Beast in the bathtub last night, bringing my March total to 22 books. I read nine books of poetry in March, and I hope to read just as many in April. It's National Poetry Month after all. I started reading Claudia Emerson's Late Wife, a poetry collection that won the Pulitzer Prize. I also went to the library (oh yes) and checked out five books of poetry along with two books of short stories that I requested. Two of the other books I requested are already checked out! Apparently, I wasn't the only one who wanted them. 

I did five more purchase requests today, all poetry by Cathy Smith Bowers and Alan Michael Parker. Both were on my thesis committee, and both live in NC, so I hope the library will want to get their books. The poetry section could use some plumping. The library has ordered everything I've requested so far!

I'm writing with a pen from Leah: a Sparkle Pop black with red glitter. 

I also wrote a poem last night, "Friday Morning." I sent six poems to a magazine that published two of my poems many years ago. The submission took forever; a lot of the poems were in an old format, and I had to update them. This kind of work is a little cumbersome on my tiny Chromebook, but we don't have a regular laptop at home. Josh uses one from the college.

I've gotten into Voracious; it's really perfect for me. I need to finish it and Shadows in the next four days. I love reading recipes even though I probably could never follow most of them.

I did finish out the month with no depressed days, and I finished month three of NoBuy2022. Depending on our circumstances next year, I think I'll either do another NoBuy or, more likely, do a LowBuy with the following allowances:

• Two books per month (if I can't get them through the library)
• Classes, particularly writing
• Extra theatre tickets (beyond my DPAC season tickets...hopefully some local productions)
• Pens (as long as I have only one or two pens left in that color and style OR I see an outstanding sale--30% off or better)
• Two journals per month
• Two writing magazine subscriptions (if I'm doing better about reading my magazines and submitting my work)

So we'll see.

I did spend the morning with Josh, and I read to him from Reasons to Stay Alive. I ordered a few books for him, which I plan to read to him if he's still in his long reading slump. One is a memoir on running and writing, and the other two are poetry collections about teaching. I love sharing books with him. 

A Page from My Journal: March 14, 2022.

 

I'm planning to get in another hour of reading before I get ready...maybe poems and Revelator. Maybe Writing Radar too. Maybe I'll really get into Revelator soon. I just have to give it more of a chance. I'll return 3 books to the library. Only one of them is late. But I'm making progress. I need to rearrange my library book bin. Everything might fit in it now. I'll end up with 35 books today. Whittling it down, book by book.

I'll never forget a couple of calls. Queens, Margie. Both amazing. I can still hardly believe I got into Queens. I wasn't very good. I don't know what I sent. Arguably, I'm still not very good, but Queens made me much better. I like the ideas of a full-time residency MFA. Maybe for fiction. I could really use help learning how to write fiction. I guess the best way is for me to read more of what I want to write...and take classes when I can. I do need to read more memoirs to prepare for working on my own. The amount of reading I need to do is overwhelming (and exciting) and so far beyond a mere 100 books a year. But I'm about 1/3 of the way to my goal for the year, which makes me confident that I'll reach it and that I may even exceed it. I need to get my work out too. I'm reporting some submissions as never responded, ones that are over a year old. I'm going through those as I update duotrope.

I drained the Gold Shadow pink pen. This is a metallic pink Uni-ball Signo. It doesn't want to write very well. Frustrating. It has a lot of ink left.

I'm really hoping we can get a new dresser this summer, one that's going to last for decades. A little girl would be excited to have our current dresser. We'll see what kind of work Josh has this summer.

Stillness & Attention: Week 12.

Day 1: Saturday. Yesterday, Josh bought me Robin McKinley's Outlaws of Sherwood from a book sale the college library was having. This morning, I finished reading The Girl Who Drank the Moon to the boys! It was so good. That's my fourth book for the week, 13th book for the month, 37th book of the year. And 875 books total. How have I not read 1,000 books yet? What have I been doing all this time? Well, much of the time, I have been reading. But at this point in my life, I can read a lot more. I should have little trouble getting to 1,000 books by my 40th birthday. This book is also the 15th long book I've read to Oliver.

My favorite author, Francesca Lia Block, has started a new class on LitReactor: The New Myth. I was very tempted to take it, but I told myself I wouldn't spend money on classes this year. Hopefully, she'll offer it again. I need to get better acquainted with Greek mythology in preparation. 

I finished Wounds! That book is not for the sensitive of spirit, mind, or stomach. Nope. 

Day 2: I started reading Writing Radar last night. It's pretty fun. I'll try to finish it today. I have more books that are about to be late. Hrrmm. I've suspended all my holds until I can catch up. I won't be going to the library today because Oliver has the day off school. But I'll try to return at least a few books on Tuesday.

I'm itching to spend money today. Our Facebook fast has ended, and I immediately saw an ad for gorgeous linen journals. And look at these darling star pajamas! And what about these star pajamas? But I'm not spending. I am stronger than my cravings. To underscore that, I've started reading Soulful Simplicity by Courtney Carver. 

I finished Writing Radar. Then, Oliver had a meltdown, not understanding that we couldn't find the video he wanted. It was so loud and awful. After medication calmed him down some 45 minutes later, we went to the backyard. I saw so many wild violets in the yard. I wrote a poem called "The Poem I Remember," about the afters. Every pain can be a poem. It's not worth it. But it's something to do.

Today marks the end of winter. I've only read five or six children's books this season, which isn't great. But I did read important books (George) and books I've meant to read for a long time (Peter Pan and Wendy, The Girl Who Drank the Moon). Spring is beginning, and I'll shift my focus to YA literature. Honestly, though, I probably won't get to much YA for a while. More books are due! But once I catch up, I'll explore the YA section at the library and see what I find.

Day 3: Oliver doesn't have school today. Josh will be busy most of the day with work and a Moderna trial appointment. I'm hoping I won't see a reprise of what happened yesterday. The meltdowns are harder when I'm alone. But Oliver seems relaxed today, relaxing on his crash pad and on the huge fairy and mermaid pillow I brought downstairs.

Last night and this morning, I read some of Madeleine L'Engle's Many Waters to the boys. I haven't liked any of the Time books as much as Wrinkle, but finishing the series is one of my 40 before 40 goals. Two books left!

I've read Claire Keegan's novella Small Things Like These today. It's subtle, short, and frightening. I've written two poems today, "March" and "Concrete Stroll," and I applied for a writing fellowship. That's my writing work for the day! I'm writing with a Stardust Gelly Roll Red Star pen. I'm down to the last couple of pens my friends have sent me!

Day 4: Two new poems: "Contrary" and "Pilgrimage." I read a lot of Together in a Sudden Strangeness last night. Josh showed some interest in reading it, and I want him to be able to read it at his own pace, so I ordered him a copy. It also just seems like a book we should have at home.

I finished the book today. 

Day 5: I spent a chunk of the day at the dentist, trying to keep my mouth wide open and breathe through my nose while I felt like I was drowning. Now, my jaw aches. I'm about to take ibuprofen p.m. I ordered a new toothbrush because mine died. I forgot to ask for the prescription toothpaste I'm supposed to use, so I'll have to go back.

A spark: Moon Cheese. Crunchy cheese in a pouch at the Food Lion registers. 

Another spark: Josh said he had a certain amount of clinical trial money, which we can't really use for anything practical. "This money exists outside space and time," he said. "Is there anything you want?" There was. A necklace, within $3 of that liminal amount with tax and shipping. It will arrive on the 30th.

I've read from five books today. I started reading Reasons to Stay Alive aloud to Josh. I also read aloud two chapters of Many Waters to the boys. I read more of Soulful Simplicity. I started The Beauts, a chapbook (for the daily goal read poems) and Snow White and Rose Red (for the daily goals read in focus [YA] and read a fairy tale). 

Because my dress challenge ended on Monday, I've worn jeans for two days. Jeans and pink. It feels great. For the next four days, I don't have to go anywhere, drive anywhere, or even put on real clothes. I can be exactly what I am, whatever that may be.

Day 6: I finished Soulful Simplicity and wrote down a lot of little quotations. One of my favorite terms Carver used was joyful discipline. Hmm. I may have to revisit that. 

I've continued to read Many Waters to the boys. It's going to be a strange one. I'd like to finish it this month, so we'll see how much of it I can manage this weekend. I also read a little of Reasons to Stay Alive to Josh, which I plan to do whenever we have some time together. And I continued with The Beauts and Snow White and Rose Red. 

Terri McCord, who wrote The Beauts and went to the MFA program I attended, has won several awards, a fellowship, and nominations for a Pushcart and Best of the Net! Life goals. I hoped I'd write a poem today, but I didn't. I haven't been doing enough writing work. I've been editing my story "Ruby" to send to an online journal. It's so old that I put two spaces between sentences! "Ruby" made it to the final round with another magazine, so I feel confident that it's good. I've only published a couple of stories, and I haven't written very many. I'm hoping that during my Short Story Summer, I'll get back into writing short fiction. As a grad student, I forced myself to write a short story every Wednesday. It was a total chore, and I had no idea what I was doing. But I forced myself to sit with my computer and start. Stillness and attention! Poems sometimes just come, but showing up and being brave is always necessary. I need to show up more.

I began reading Neverland by Piers Dudgeon. It's about the connection between Daphne du Maurier and J. M. Barrie--I didn't know there was a connection. I thought the book would be dry, but it's quite absorbing. I think it's also going to be disturbing, but after having read Rebecca and two books of du Maurier's short stories (and after finally having read Peter Pan and Wendy), I'm eager to learn more. Du Maurier's stories are among my favorites, there with Shirley Jackson, Kelly Link, Angela Carter, and Karen Russell.

Day 7: I sent five poems to a literary magazine and reformatted some other pieces for later submission. I'm trying to do some writing work each day, including at least three more submissions this month. I found a story I had completely forgotten.

Josh and I had a little time together this morning, and I read more of Reasons to Stay Alive to him. So far, some of it seems closer to my experience than Josh's because Haig dealt with a lot of anxiety. 

I finished the poetry chapbook The Beauts. That brings me to 880 total books. Next, I'm going to read Dorianne Laux's Facts about the Moon. 

I drained all the pens I've received from supportive friends! All await recycling through the Bic stationery program. Leah, one of my core friends from childhood, asked me for another pen wish list. I'm astonished at how my friends have encouraged me in my writing. Some of my favorite pens are on amazing sale, 30-40% off, and if this weren't a NoBuy year (and we had money), I'd buy several of each set. But I will use what I have and trust that I will have enough of everything I need. 

And My Thoughts Fly Apart: On Faith.

I am going through a crisis of mind, heart, and soul. 

I think of the lyrics to "Javert's Suicide" from Les Miserables.

"And must I now begin to doubt
Who never doubted all these years?"

Incidentally, I once posted (other) lyrics from this song, and no was said, "Oh, no, are you suicidal?" (I was). 

Most people of faith would invalidate me, my marriage, my family: adulterous, illegitimate. Queer people: unfit to exist. How can I reconcile that?

The very thought of church almost gives me a panic attack. Parts of the Bible nauseate me. So maybe they are right.

This is intensely personal and intensely painful, and I am alone with it. No one know about this. I cannot talk to anyone about it without drawing judgment or pity. I think of Styx's "Show Me the Way."

"I feel this empty place inside
So afraid that I've lost my faith."

I haven't felt this way since I was twelve. Through everything, faith was the nucleus of every cell. Now, I feel my cells starting to die. 

"And my thoughts fly apart."

"I am reaching, but I fall."

Dress Challenge: Days 31-40.

Days 31 and 32: Pajama days!

Day 33: Many years ago, my mom bought me a light pink dress at Anthropologie. It must have been on crazy sale. But I'd never worn it because it's completely sheer, and I couldn't figure that out. But today, I had the thought to wear it over my black dress. 

I wore pink jelly flats with gold glitter, gold earrings with pink rhinestones (which I think I bought at Target many years ago), and Urban Decay Naked Cyber palette eye shadow.

Day 34: Since we're having some gloomy weather, I decided to wear two of my favorite cardigans over a couple of days. Today, I wore my dress with a champagne glitter cardigan from The Limited, Anne Klein champagne glitter wedges, my Banana Republic key necklace, and Urban Decay Naked Ultraviolet palette eye shadow.

Day 35: Now comes my other favorite cardigan: a charcoal open sweater with silver glitter. I wore my Betsey Johnson peacock necklace, black jelly Mary Janes with multi-color glitter, and Revolution eye shadow.

Day 36: Pajama day! Josh got home early and did all the driving!

Day 37: St. Patrick's Day was yesterday, and I feel like wearing green. I wore my dress with an emerald short-sleeved cardigan from Loft (my mom and I each bought one year ago, thrilled to find something in that gorgeous shade of green), a gold necklace with green rhinestones (a Betsey Johnson knock-off I found on Ebay last year), green flats, and Urban Decay Liquid Moondust in Horizon, which is bronze with pink glitter. I also wore Urban Decay marshmallow body glitter on my arms and neck. More exposed skin means more space for sparkles!

Day 38-39: Pajama days!

Day 40: Today is the last day of my challenge. I don't have to go anywhere today as it a teacher work day for my son, but I did wear my dress today--just the dress, no accessories or makeup. It is a good dress, and I'll think to wear it more now. 

I had less laundry during these 40 days, but the best part was thinking differently about my jewelry, shoes, and makeup. I created about 30 unique outfits with one black dress. This showed me how big my wardrobe is and how often I neglect it. During the challenge, I also gave away about 40 pieces of clothing. Wearing one piece for more than a month made me less sentimental (the memories!), less guilt-ridden (what I spent!), and more practical (that long-ago size!) about my clothes. Not a single person has commented on the fact that I've worn the same dress for weeks. I don't think my husband would have noticed if I hadn't told him about the challenge. 

So who cares most about how I look? Me. Recognizing it is good. I'll dress to please myself.

Stillness & Attention: Week 11.

Day 1: I've had a hard time reading aloud to the boys because often, when I start reading, Oliver wants to go outside or watch videos. But this morning, I got to read 25 pages of The Girl Who Drank the Moon (which I'm really enjoying). I went back to reading Hope in the Mail and suddenly wanted to work on the second book in my YA fantasy series, so I did. I got some new ideas about a plot element, and I'm eager to see where it goes. Reading poetry sometimes prompts me to write poems; maybe reading about writing prompts me too. I journaled today with a Pentel Hybrid Dual Metallic pen in purple with red glitter. 

Josh and I changed our sheets and worked on laundry. I found out that my Paperblanks Grande journal will arrive late, which is a bummer. I was really looking forward to getting that today. But I have lots of great journals I can decorate. I have a phone lock screen image that says Use what you have. It's a good reminder.

Despite the cold and wind, Oliver has spent a lot of time in the backyard today. He's the happiest person I've ever met 95% of the time. But tonight, he's been trying to tell us something. He says, "I need some help," and looks at us earnestly, but we can't figure out what's wrong. Josh said, "That's a special kind of hell." We may never know.

Day 2: I'm writing with a Gelly Roll Stardust Green Star pen from the set Leah sent me. And I love my Mrs. Grossman's stickers.

I managed to read 33 pages of The Girl Who Drank the Moon to the boys today. I also finished reading Hope in the Mail. I wrote down a lot of encouraging quotations. I'm planning to read Writing Radar by Jack Gantos, a young readers book on pulling stories from one's journal. It will count toward my children's lit focus. I'm in the mood for nonfiction right now. Some of my library books are now two weeks late...oh dear. I hope this coming week will be a good reading week. I did finish four books this week and nine books this month. I'm now at 32 books for the year and 870 books total. I'm 14 books ahead of my goal, but I want to read even more.

I submitted five poems to a literary journal! I really want to get my work back out there.

Day 3: I got to spend a little of the morning with Josh. When he left for an appointment, I dove into Comfort Me with Apples by Catherynne M. Valente, and I finished it! It is beautiful and harsh. I think it's a book everyone ought to read but maybe especially men. Luckily, CMV has many more books, and I'm eager to read them. I'll check the library once I get caught up.

I also read several poems from Best American Poetry 2021, which spurred me to write a poem called "Set." Reading poems often reminds me of memories or ideas I've had for a long time but have never thought to use for a poem. 

I returned three books to the library. I'm still far behind, but I'm on the move. We're broke, and I've had little desire to spend money. We paid our steep taxes though, so that's one thing we don't have to worry about anymore. For now, Josh's car is working decently well. It's due for inspection in May, so that's probably when we'll have to make some decisions. We're not sure if Josh will be working this summer. Unknowns! But I'm happy today.

Day 4: I finished reading Best American Poetry 2021 and ended up liking it! I marked many lines and added many poets' books to my NoBuy2022 list. I have so many books on that list! I plan to check the library for every one when I can. Anything I can't find, I may buy next year. I'm happy to buy books of poetry. 

Today, I'm writing with an Ooly glitter pen in lavender. 

Day 5: I'm writing with another pen a friend sent me, this one a Gelly Roll Stardust pen in Blue Star.

I've started reading the book Together in a Sudden Strangeness: America's Poets Respond to the Pandemic. I'm still trying to read poems every day. Josh has shown a little interest in the book too. 

Day 6: I finished reading Revelator! It turned out to be very good-weird. Josh and I got a little time together this afternoon. We put away four loads of laundry in about 20 minutes! I wrote a poem called "Dressing," which is for my chapbook about raising Oliver.

Day 7: Josh and I got to spend the morning together. I wrote a poem called "Vacuum," another Oliver poem. I got back to reading Wounds. I finished reading two more of the stories. I have one story left and then two novellas. I returned Revelator to the library. Book by book.