Day 1: I made it a week without spending frivolously! And I didn't feel deprived. I did have to find ways to stimulate or soothe myself without browsing Ebay or JetPens. I got to give Josh a new forest green shirt, some ties, and an Art Deco wall calendar for work. Oh, and he actually likes the jeans!
Today, I've got to get back to good reading. I'm working on Bronte's Mistress, and it's not grabbing me. But I have three overdue library books, and I've got to get through them before I pick up more holds! I have an absurd number of library books out. I tend to return one or two and check out four or five. But it feels like a wonderful luxury, and my library is now fine-free. I have a mint green bin with white polka dots where I keep my library books. It may be overflowing a bit. I also started Shirley Jackson's Life among the Savages, which Bruce and I are reading together.
I haven't had any updates on Oliver's grant. But I'm imagining how we can, perhaps, start a 401k for Josh this fall and maybe open a flex spending account. I'm also imagining trying to save up money for a few years and maybe get back to New York City.... But since Josh's car struggled to start twice last week, a car is probably the first thing we need to consider.
Stampington sent me a coupon today. I'd love to buy the back issues of Bella Grace I've missed, but I'm not going to do that this year. Besides, I have a lot of magazines to read, and I need to organize the ones I'm going to keep. Another temptation: redecorating our bathroom. Our towels are getting raggedy. But I do still love the bright colors. This year, our only redecorating will be a new chest of drawers (if it works out).
I love Fresh Sugar Advanced Therapy lip balm, but it's too expensive. I still have a couple of tubes that have balm I can't get to with my nail. So I ordered some mini makeup spatulas so I can use that good two weeks' worth of balm.
Day 2: Today was a hard day. I didn't feel like shopping, but I didn't feel up to reading either. I did take a shower today, and I'm pretty proud of that. Two more work shirts arrived for Josh: red and violet.
Day 3: Today was better. We're thinking about making some major changes to Oliver's care as we're disenchanted with services. Josh also may be taking a pay cut due to low enrollment. And while his car started tonight, it made some terrible squealing noises. We've already replaced one belt (and the alternator, and the tires, and the battery--can we cut our losses?).
The college and indeed the county have run out of COVID tests, so Josh is not testing this week (another pay cut). We don't know if or when he will get back to testing as the college is also running out of crisis money. The one good thing about this is that Josh is home more this week. Mondays will be extremely long (6:45 a.m. to 8 p.m.), but today was...still long but not that long. He wore his teal shirt with his purple tie (Hornets colors). I wore a pink sweater with blue sequins.
I didn't spend any money today. My little spatulas came, so I've been digging out the remaining lip balm. I read hard and finished Bronte's Mistress. I didn't love it, but I'm glad I finished it. I hate investing in a book and not finishing it. So I need to get back to The Paris Library. I want to go to the library on Thursday to return books and to pick up holds, so I have a couple of days. I'm thinking I'll just have to return The Uses of Enchantment and check it out again to finish it later. I haven't gotten past Part 1, the first half. It's interesting but repetitive. But again, I've invested a lot of time and effort in the first half, so I want to finish the book at some point.
I got Oliver ready for and into bed successfully (he usually wants Josh) and waited for Josh to get home from his first day of classes. We were relieved to go to bed. We held hands as we fell asleep.
Day 4: Josh and I are seriously considering pulling Oliver out of ABA therapy. In-home sessions have been disappointing; the tech interacts with Oliver for about ten minutes per hour. We pay hundreds of dollars a month for this, and insurance pays thousands. Our BCBA has also not been present. Having someone who isn't family or a close friend in my house (not to mention attending weekly online meetings) is very stressful for me, so the only gain that seems certain right now is anxiety.
I don't know what happens at school when I'm not there at all. At this point, we think Oliver will be able to do well at school without a tech. He has a teacher and a teacher's assistant, and he is one of only three children in his class. In-school services were only sure through March anyway. It seems like a good time to stop since the tech is quitting. Sending Oliver to the clinic gave Josh and me some time alone together, but now, any sessions outside school will be in-home rather than at the clinic. I'm wondering if we've wasted a lot of time, effort, and money on ABA. In any case, we'd like to cut our losses there too. Those hundreds of dollars a month could go toward getting Josh a car that works.
Josh's lavender dress shirt and two dressy vests (charcoal, light gray pinstripe) arrived. He has one more vest on the way. I thought about ordering another, but we'll see how he likes these. Josh used to wear dressy vests to work all the time, but they all got old and worn. He said vests might make him feel more like himself.
I didn't spend any money today; I hardly even thought about it. Not spending is starting to feel more normal. But because I was anxious and distracted all day, I did almost zero reading--nothing but a submission for the magazine for which I'm a reader. I hope I can cultivate more stillness and attention tomorrow.
I found a tiny blue glittery star in my journal. I don't know how it got there.
Day 5: We decided to discontinue ABA services after all. Oliver's teacher assured me that she thinks he'll do well at school without an RBT. So we've started the day without any guests in our house. The three of us did morning meeting together online, and we completed a worksheet on the letter of the week (M!). Josh even drew Mavis the diesel. When I said, "School time," Oliver came right to the table. I'm hoping we can maintain some good habits he's built. Oliver's sparkly daubers are pretty cool. He prefers stamping the little dots to coloring with crayons. Why shouldn't those dots be sparkly?
I ordered a few items for school: a Thomas alphabet book, another set of glitter daubers, an extra copy of his favorite book (Good Night North Carolina), and a self-inking name stamp. Oliver doesn't write his name, and that part can take up all the activity time, so he's done some name stamping at school. He does recognize his name on paper. I used Amazon points to get Oliver a couple of extra books, including one by Joyce Wan (as much for me as for him).
Without ABA, we'll save a lot of money each month even if we start going to OT (occupational therapy) more, which we hope to do when Miss Katie returns from maternity leave. We're trying to figure out how we can use those funds to replace Josh's car; hopefully, the savings will cover a car payment and increased insurance. We may try to save up a down payment before we buy. Josh's graduate student loans payments restart in May, so that will be another major expense. We're hoping, though, that if Oliver's grant materializes, we'll stop needing help from family as leftover funds may cover some of Oliver's OT costs. For now, I'm holding onto a month of tuition money in case the grant comes late and we have to pay for January. I'll feel a lot better when I get updates on the grant, and I'll really feel better if I find out we can renew it for next year. It's all a question mark right now.
We did four shapes worksheets. Oliver was patient and pretty attentive. Josh went to work a little later today because he didn't have testing. He wore his purple shirt, his teal tie, and his charcoal vest. I don't feel like reading. But I'll be upset with myself if I continue to fall behind.
I did get some documents to fill out and sign for NCSEAA! So maybe the grant is happening. I went through color, letter, number, and emotion cards with Oliver. He did really well with colors and numbers. Josh donated blood after work and then went to the grocery store. He only had to get several tide-over items, but they cost $80! I can't believe how expensive groceries have gotten. We use Oliver's disability pay (through me) for groceries, but it may not be enough.
I didn't read a thing today except for a story for the magazine. What is wrong with me? That's two days without reading. Unacceptable! But I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I guess I won't be going to the library tomorrow.
Day 6: I still don't feel like reading. At least I also don't feel like spending money. We got through morning meeting online again (one more day!). We have a three-day weekend coming. I look forward to not having to get ready early. Josh's parents are supposed to visit on Saturday. Next week, maybe we'll get back into a regular schedule with school and testing. We'll see. I'm hoping Josh and I will get some alone time, which may be what I value most.
I have a saved search for Madame Alexander Bronte on Ebay, and I got a new result today: a Charlotte Bronte doll with green eyes and auburn curls. She's gorgeous. I can't buy her. And who knows how high the bidding will get? I did pre-order Anna-Marie McLemore's Lake Lore and Francesca Lia Block's House of Hearts, books I simply can't miss, with Amazon points! They come out in March and June.
But I guess it's official: I'm in a reading slump. I hate reading slumps so much, and I definitely didn't expect to be in one during the second week of the year. This is the third day, and I still can't open a book. It's miserable. It makes me wonder if I'm really a reader at all. Reading shouldn't feel like a chore. It should be a thrill, an adventure. I've rarely stayed up late to read another chapter. A lot of the bookworm memes don't apply to me. So what does that mean?
Well, I did read a couple chapters of Paris Library today, and I read a chapter of The Patchwork Girl of Oz to the boys. I also read a couple more stories for the magazine, so the day wasn't a total reading loss. I thought about stillness and attention and how I could settle my wild mind.
Day 7: Last night, Josh said, "So should I get you that doll for your birthday?" I said, "You can try," so he's trying. I doubt he'll get it; the bidding is pretty intense already with five days left. But I'm happy that Josh wants to get her for me. I remember how happy I was (still am) when I finally got my Jane Eyre doll. The Charlotte Bronte doll would be a perfect companion to her. If Josh does get her, I'll wait until my birthday.
Oliver and I finished his school work for the virtual week, and we all did the last (for now...we hope) online morning meeting. I also ran cards with Oliver throughout the day. He does not like to pay attention. Maybe I should offer him a Skittles reward for finishing a set of cards. He does know the basic shapes well except for rectangle. And he knows colors except for purple. When I say, "It's Mama's favorite color," he remembers. I'm going to try to do at least some cards each day so we can maintain what he does know.
I read a little more of The Paris Library but decided to go ahead and return it. I can request it again and start from chapter 6 (don't let me forget!). For once, I returned three books and only checked out two! I'm thinking I'll spend some time on graphic novels and poetry to reset and to get back on track. I've finished four books this year, and I should have finished at least four by now. I'll catch up. I will banish the slump.
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