(Nearly) Impossible Wishes.

None of these would require money or major effort from me!

• I wish I could see new colors.
• I wish I could be an attentive and totally balanced mother, knowing how to act and respond to shape Oliver and make him feel loved.
• I wish I could have two sugar gliders and that someone else would take care of them.
• I wish I could have seahorses and a trained professional to care for them.
• I wish for an aquarium in my city.
• I wish I could play a small role in a touring show, just to experience the performance and travel.
• I wish I could play Phantom.
• I wish I could play instruments: piano, bass guitar, clarinet, drums.
• I wish I could be fluent in French and Italian.
• I wish I had a private, close-by place to swim in deep water.
• I wish I could sing, really sing.
• I wish I could lead an '80s tribute band. 
• I wish I had loosely curling hair.
• I wish Josh could go to the moon and return safely and quickly.
• I wish I had free access to every movie ever.
• I wish I were a brilliant cook.
• I wish I could draw well.
• I wish I could try Irish step dancing again.
• I wish I could read quickly but still retain and connect with what I'm reading.
• I wish Oliver could reach a typical stage of development. 
• I wish someone else would be in charge of painting my nails.
• I wish my whole house smelled like lilacs or cinnamon, depending on the seasons.
• I wish I could French braid my hair and do any other hairstyle.
• I wish I were a prolific product writer: stories, poems, a novel, a memoir, essays...
• I wish I had a safe place for my journals.
• I wish I had a small, tailored summer wardrobe.
• I wish I were more comfortable around people.
• I wish I could find the perfect church for me.
• I wish I had a self-driving car.
• I wish I could get a weekly massage.
• I wish my skin were clear and smooth.
• I wish I had fairy lights in my bedroom.

My Favorite Movies.

These are some of my favorite movies in no particular order. They charm, captivate, thrill, comfort, and unsettle me.

• Jane Eyre with Ruth Wilson
• Animated Cinderella
• Sense and Sensibility with Emma Thompson
• The Phantom of the Opera at the Royal Albert Hall
• Live-action Cinderella
• Live-action Beauty and the Beast
• Lady in the Water
• Heart and Souls
• Stealing Beauty
• Orange County
• Peter Pan with Jeremy Sumpter
• Michael Crawford in Concert
• Much Ado about Nothing with Emma Thompson
• Romeo and Juliet with Claire Danes
• Lady Jane
• Little Women
• My Fair Lady
• I Capture the Castle
• Gigi
• Hello, Dolly!
• A Little Princess with Liesel Pritzker
• Passengers 

These last two are the only ones I don't own! 

Restoration: Week 25.

This past week, I got to see two movies, one at Bruce's and one at the IMAX: Jurassic World and JW Fallen Kingdom. They were intense and fun. I remember seeing the first movie in the theater with my dad. I'm glad I've been able to see movies; they recharge me. And Bruce and I can put away a lot of popcorn.

Bruce and I gave each other bath products for our birthdays, so I've been having some restorative soaks. Bruce also gave me a lilac Wallflower--the remembered my saying that I'd fallen for the scent. I put the Wallflower in the bathroom, but I can smell lilacs at the front door. It's one of Mom's favorite scents, so it makes me think of her. And how did I take so long to discover the fragrance? It makes me feel calm and mindful.

I painted my nails. I hate doing it, but I like the result. I've used some eye makeup I've neglected lately. This past week, I've had sweet moments of feeling pretty.

I had to switch therapists, so I had my first appointment with the new one on Tuesday. I hope that proves to be restorative.

I did write one poem this past week! That suggests I'm at least a little restored.

A Bold Reader: Week 25.

I've continued to struggle with reading. But I did finish Kelle Groom's Luckily poems. I've read all 3 of Kelle Groom's books of poetry! I plan to read her memoir in the fall.

One of my 40 before 40 goals is to read a total of 50 books of poetry during my 30s. Just this year so far, I've read 16!

I'm starting to feel the flow of contemporary poetry again as I did when I was working on my MFA: 21-23, gobbling my way through the library's poetry section. I was learning a new language that I had only encountered before; I tried to create immersion. I'm surprised that reading all this poetry has not pushed me to write more of my own poetry. Not yet anyway.

I've been wanting to read more Shirley Jackson. Josh got The Haunting of Hill House from his school library. It's a huge yellow book covered with red tape. That library only had the book in large print! It's like reading my first "chapter book." But it's certainly grabbing my attention though nothing has really happened yet.

Bruce and I are making slow but steady progress through Le Guin's story collection.

It's officially summer! Short story time. I'd like to read a story each day of summer--90+ stories! I need to find some good flash fiction!

10 Questions.

I think asking questions is an act of love. That curiosity and engagement are wonderful for the one asking and the one answering. We learn each other. But I also think that asking ourselves questions is healthy and illuminating. That's what prompts and guided journals are for, but sometimes the asking is just as important as the answer. A few days ago, I wrote a quick list of ten questions I pulled from the attic of my mind.

1. Will something interesting or important arrive in the mail today? I love mail!
2. Why am I always so sleepy?
3. Will I ever lose enough weight?
4. What are my boys doing right now?
5. Is this about as stable as I will get?
6. How long will we live here?
7. How can we communicate with Oliver?
8. What should I do with all of Oliver's school work?
9. What would handwriting analysis tell me?
10. Why does ancient Egypt interest me?

Appreciating Some Favorites.

• AAA batteries. They're just cute.
• Large Smart Water bottles (though I usually drink tap)
• Shoes that sparkle
• Making lists
• Pens with lots of cushion
• Josh's drawings
• Glitter on my hands
• Prisma Color pencils
• Mom's drawings
• A new page
• Seeing a bit of glitter on someone I love
• The idea of light pink gloves with embroidery
• Rhinestone earrings
• Prizes (translates as small surprise gifts without an occasion, such as a sheet of star stickers on a Tuesday) from Mom
• Talking to Dad about avocados
• Giving people makeup
• Letting nice thoughts come out--compliments, encouragement
• A new release bay at a library
• Remembering working at Borders--I block out the bummers.
• Getting praise about something that shouldn't have been so hard but was
• Buying just one or two pens, new shades
• Looking back at my gift notebook: who gave me what and when and what I need to be using
• My fluid purple glitter and hearts phone case
• Getting a perfectly ripe avocado
• An orange someone else peeled for me
• A real E-mail. From a person.
• Wearing eyeliner that's too light
• A massage I didn't request
• Eye contact from Josh

Story Snippet: Masquerade.

Oliver and I were picking Josh up from work, and I had the Phantom soundtrack playing. Oliver usually listens quietly to music in the car. Josh opened the door and said hi to Oliver. Oliver answered, "Mackerade!"

Such a moment of joy! I felt that I was doing something right. He will know the joy of musical theatre. That's something I can give him. I want to give him the coping strategies I've learned and the joys that can penetrate darkness.