Nourish/Challenge: Week 15.

I had mood swings this past week, and holding onto relative stability has been a challenge. For a day or two, getting out of bed was a struggle. I'd lie still with the tower fan blowing on me. Existing seemed to be all I could do.

I was feeling bad on Sunday night, and Josh told me to go for a walk. I didn't want to, but I got my headphones and went. I did feel somewhat better afterward.

But the week had joy too. I told Josh that I thought we should try to be more affectionate because it's good for us and probably good for Oliver. So Josh and I have stayed closer to each other, kissing and hugging more. I start to crave more of that contact.

Bruce and I continued reading Dear Evan Hansen. It's held my attention more than most books lately. I'll be sad when it's over. But I still have a big book about the show to read.

My dearest friend, Keely, sent me a gorgeous card with a pop-up castle inside. She wrote that I was inspiring and that my blog made her believe in magic as an adult. I treasure those words. I'd keep the blog going even if it were just for her.

Next week, the boys have spring break. Mom and I decided (with our guys' support) that we would go on a girls' trip! So on Sunday, I'll drive to Charlotte (by myself...), and we'll go to Asheville. I made hotel reservations, and I'm so excited. This drive will be a challenge, and I'll miss my boys. But the trip will nourish me--beauty, charm, conversation, discovery. The weather is going to be warm enough that I won't have to wear tights with my dresses.

Most nourishing experiences seem to require me to overcome a challenge. I've only been away from Oliver once for one night. Three nights will be tough. But I still think the trip will be wonderful.

My Current Obsession: Dear Evan Hansen.

Bruce and I saw the 6-Tony-award-winning musical Dear Evan Hansen a few weeks ago. I walked in almost completely blind--that's what we usually do with shows that are unfamiliar to both of us. I feel so lucky that we got to see this show with our season tickets--no insane prices.

Song lyrics and titles sewed their way into my memory, so I knew I would recognize most of them on the album later--and I knew I'd come back to those songs again and again.

The story was beautiful like broken stained glass against the sun. I fell for Evan's ambivalence, his intense need for family and love, and the locked-up love he has without an outlet. I could identify with his sometimes unquenchable loneliness and the skinless-in-the-sand feeling of social anxiety and sensory overload. And I fell for other characters' experience too--the impact of suicidality on a family, the search for connection, the feeling of being haunted, and even the denial and the lies the characters accept because they simply must.

So I fell in love with Dear Evan Hansen. When the show ended, my mind shifted, and I knew this was my second-favorite show (Phantom, of course, is first forever).

Sometimes, a show wears me out, and I'm ready to go home and process it. Not this show. I was totally engaged. When I went home, I traveled to the songs on Spotify, watched online videos of clips and interviews, ordered a hardcover book about the show, and bought the novelization (!), which Bruce and I are starting.

I find myself singing--something I've started doing more often recently. The songs, even the rough ones, cuddle up to me and stay close. I like every song. So that's my in-the-shower and pretty-much-all-the-time music. Josh has let me borrow his big headphones. I'll get my own...pink or purple.

The intensity of my obsession will become more manageable, but as with Phantom, I believe Evan will always press on my heart.

We're letting the obsession continue. It makes me happy even though the rush can be overwhelming. My mom said, "I'm glad you've found a new treasure." Yes.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 13.

This past week had a magical glow.

We went to the college where I used to teach. A professor we shared and loved was giving a reading. He remembered us. And my former colleagues seemed delighted to see me. I got so many hugs. I was worried; going back to the college was a major challenge (being my Rebecca self, feeling self-conscious about my weight, working with my limited social stamina), but it ended up filling me.

I then had two days of barely-out-of-bed depression. Mom said I'd probably spent myself. After that, I went up. I was full of energy, sleeping little, dancing, and singing. Bruce said I was "super-charged."

I finished watching a Netflix series called Maniac. It didn't do a lot for me as a story, but the cast impressed me (Emma Stone and Jonah Hill). Science fiction almost always lights up my brain.

And on Friday, we drove to Charlotte. I was ready to see my mom. I gave her a birthday stack of magazines. That's becoming a tradition.

Oliver ran wild in the fenced backyard. He played with a giant windchime that was hanging from a tree. The weather was mild, and I uncurled a little.

On Saturday, Mom and I went to Anthropologie near her house. It was inspiring as always, and a high window poured sunlight over me. I bought a small pink journal with Joie de Vivre on the cover and a mint-rose lip gloss. When Mama saw the journal, she said, "Yeah, you probably have to have that."

Later, we walked with Oliver to a nearby playground. I need to walk more! Oliver jumped in a shallow creek. I had a weird moment of forgetting what I was telling Mom. That started happening a lot when I started lithium. But this time, I couldn't do anything, and I felt out of control of my hand's making strange gestures.

When we got back, burgers were almost ready along with slightly-spicy crab dip. Mmmm.

Shane and I talked about Dear Evan Hansen. He couldn't find tickets. I fantasize about seeing DEH on Broadway along with Phantom.

James came over for a little while, and we talked about movies. He read a spooky story to me, and I was so impressed by how well he reads aloud.

We left to meet up with Dad and Michelle. Oliver's shoes and socks were wet and filthy, so we stopped at Target for footwear.

We went to Fern, a vegan restaurant. I had slightly spicy macaroni and cheese (I don't know what it was made of) with a large side of garlic broccoli. I'd go back just for the broccoli. Dad ordered me some carrot cake to go.

On the way home, I listened to DEH on Josh's big headphones. And I felt good about the life I was returning to.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 12.

Spring began this past week. I didn't do well with my winter focus on children's books. I did finished Felicity's Story Collection, which made me feel old and young at once. My spring focus is young adult lit, and I hope to do better with that. Bruce and I have been reading a YA novel, The Memory of Light.

I had a scary night. I was putting Oliver to bed, and he had just fallen asleep. The door was locked (he tries to escape from us at bedtime sometimes), and it began to rattle as if someone were testing the door and getting frustrated. I texted Josh to ask if he had gotten home. He was ready to call the police. He called Bruce, who came right to me. He stayed with me until Josh got home. I felt so lucky to have such a close friend so nearby and so quick to come when I needed him.

I wondered if I could be hallucinating. I said that the people upstairs were being loud. Josh said that they sometimes make our doors rattle, so we concluded that that's what happened. The experience challenged me, and I was able to keep calm for the most part. Every time something scary happens to me, I get stronger and hopefully not more cynical.

I needed the nourishment of some good childhood memories, so I found the soundtrack to the original Charlotte's Web on Spotify. Lyrics came right back to me, and I felt light.

I'm still trying to watch a movie each week. I've been enjoying the soft sci-fi show Maniac with Jonah Hill and Emma Stone. Bruce took me to see Us. Every scary movie challenges me. I've gotten better at handling them without going numb. Before Bruce, movie theaters weren't really a part of my life, but he's changed that.

Somehow, I failed to write about Dear Evan Hansen last week. But it will get its own post. The show gave me a kind of surge of energy I've not felt in a very long time.