Stillness & Attention: Week 23.

Day 1: Saturday. We decided to be adventurous today. We took Oliver to Barnes and to the grocery store! He hasn't been to the grocery store since he could fit in the cart. I reached a fitness goal today, so Josh bought me two prizes: a new Peter Pauper Press journal and a magazine. The journal's has art from a 19th-century French edition of the Song of Songs. The magazine is Oh Reader, which I have been wanting to try out and thinking about subscribing to next year. 

We were only at Barnes for a few minutes, and we had explained to Oliver what we were going to do. The grocery store took much longer and was much brighter and busier. But Oliver did quite well. He only rarely wandered away from us (I held his hand some of the time), and he only asked for one thing (we bought the box of mini crullers). That must have been plenty of stimulation for him because he didn't ask to go to the park. I think that we can now go grocery shopping as a family, which is pretty amazing. 

We did all that before 10:30. I spent much of the day near Josh while reading Sharon Olds's poems in Blood, Tin, Straw. I finished the book, my first book of June. I want to read 13 books this month so I can read 25 by the end of July. That will bring me quite close to my goal for the year. I wonder how far I'll get in 2022. 

I got back to my exercising, doing my workout and doing yoga with Josh. I haven't sent a submission in a few days, and I'm behind on a lot of my reading. But I'm trying to get back on track.

Day 2: Sunday. I slept until 8:30 today! It was so nice. Josh went for an 8+-mile run. I hung out with Oliver and wrote in my journal. After lunch, we went to the park for two hours. I read 80 pages of poetry from The Art of Losing to Josh. We only have about 60 pages left. The poems are quite good, but after this book, we're going to read something happy. 

When we got home, I read three chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys as I did yesterday. We're not halfway through it yet. Next week, I plan to start reading the eighth Oz book to Oliver while Josh is at work. We don't have a lot of time for reading when Josh gets home. 

Thursday was an anxious day, and Friday was depressed. Yesterday was hopeful, and I think today will be hopeful too (maybe even passionate). So my mood is improving. More reading is probably helpful. I did send a submission today.

Day 3: Monday. I finished reading Winterwood. I enjoyed it, and I'll probably read more of Shea Ernshaw's books. I hope the library has them. Next on my YA list is Anatomy by Dana Schwartz. I've been working on that medical bill situation, but I'm not likely to resolve anything today. 

Josh did come home for lunch, and we did do yoga, so we got a little time together. Oliver had a meltdown with crying and yelling but no breaking. I didn't do much of what I intended to do today, but I'm trying to give myself grace as I adjust to our summer schedule. 

Day 4: Tuesday. Oliver slept late, so I got some quiet time to ponder and scribble in the morning. I also read 80 pages of Sharon Olds's Odes poems. When Josh came home for lunch, we took him back to work so I could take Oliver to OT. That was a bit of an ordeal as usual, but Oliver was in a good mood. We later picked Josh up from work and got to see his office and meet his supervisors. We three left holding hands.

Day 5: Wednesday. Last night, when the boys went to bed, I fell asleep hard on the couch under my heated throw. Josh had to wake me up so I'd go to bed. I've been quite sleepy in the evenings even though I'm sleeping well at night. I only seem to have about twelve hours of energy. 

This morning, I finished reading Odes. Next comes Sharon Olds's Arias, which is longer. Oliver got to spend some time outside before a thunderstorm came through. When Josh was home for lunch, we cuddled on the couch and watched the rain. 

Day 6: Thursday. This morning, I got an acceptance from an online journal based in the UK. It was for a poem I wrote back in 2009 while I was still a grad student. I'm enjoying the fact that both old and new poems are getting published. I still think my older poems are better because I was more in practice, more immersed in poetry. But I'm trying to read as much poetry as I can again.

I started and finished Anatomy by Dana Schwartz today! My reading a book in one day (even poetry) is pretty rare. This was great fun. 

Day 7: Friday. Today, I'm writing with a Pentel metallic Sunburst pen in violet. 

It was a good mail day. I got a birthday card from Melissa and a sticker subscription from Mrs. Grossman. I also received a small Amazon package, and I wasn't sure what it was. It turned out to be a surprise gift from my friend Jan, with whom I worked at Borders. She sent a lovely Peter Pauper Press hydrangea journal and crystal-filled, stone-stopped pens! I don't think she even knew my birthday is coming. That really brightened my day. 

I've started reading Wilder Girls as my current YA pick. I think it's going to be good. I spent a little time on Arias and Olga Dies Dreaming. I haven't been reading to the boys this week; we don't have a lot of time when Josh gets home, and I haven't felt like starting Oz 8 with Oliver. I'll try to do better next week.

This evening, Bruce and I had our birthdayte! We went to Barnes and browsed as usual. We were there for about two and a half hours. We drank coffee and talked through fiction, horror, YA, reference, new releases, and poetry. As our birthday gift to each other, we each got copies of seven books that we chose for our tiny book club. Bruce and I have read about forty books together over the last nine years, but we haven't read together much lately. We ended up with two books of short stories: one a large anthology of contemporary stories from around the world and the other a collection of southern magical realism stories; a literary science fiction book that I've been wanting to read; and four horror books! We have a lot of cross-over in our literary tastes (including our dislikes). Reading horror with a friend can be really fun. I can't wait to start these books.

Stillness & Attention: Week 22.

Day 1: Saturday. The bad news is that Oliver had another accident in our bed, so the washer, the bathtub, and the cornstarch have been at work. The good news is that I've lost another 2 pounds, which brings me to a total of 9 pounds in four weeks. I've worked out and done yoga every day for a week, and I plan to keep up that habit. Josh still does yoga with me three times a week. We've been doing that for a couple of months. His flexibility and balance have improved, and he seems less tense. I've definitely been less physically tense.

I did all my habits yesterday except sending a submission; I just ran out of time. I may try to send two today. It's time consuming. The weather is better today--no more gloom. I'm writing with a TUL metallic green pen, and it sparkles in the sunlight.

I started and finished Sharon Olds's The Dead and the Living. I thought that was book 70, but it's actually #71 for the year! It got me to ten books for the month, which is acceptable. I also read a couple of chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys, and I did my workout and yoga. Oliver didn't ask to go to the park; he spent most of the day and evening in the backyard. I'm glad he's enjoying the outdoor space. My roses are blooming!

Day 2: Sunday. I wrote a poem this morning! It's called "The Bannister." I'm happy with it. I'm happy that when I got a form rejection this morning, my response was to write a poem! Josh says it's fantastic. I sent it to him, and he paused his run to read it. Writing a poem always feels great even if it's not a very good one. I'd love to do it more often. I ought to have endless ideas. 

I read a little of Winterwood before I slept last night, but I didn't read the Bible or send a submission. Now, I have more poems to send back out. Today, we'll pack up and drive to Rockingham to meet my mom and her husband so Oliver can go to their house for two nights. We haven't done that in a few months, so I hope he'll still enjoy it. Josh and I need to sell his car tomorrow. 

I read Lost in a Book aloud on the way to Rockingham. Oliver was excited to see Mom and Shane and got right in their car. On the way home, I read poems from The Art of Losing to Josh. We stopped at Panera for two salads--Green Goddess Cobb for me and Citrus Asian Crunch for Josh, a special treat. I did yoga, having done my workout earlier in the day. Josh gave me a massage, another special treat.

Day 3: Monday. This morning, I finished reading Sharon Olds's The Father. That's eleven books for the month (pretty good with my slump), 72 for the year, 910 books total. I've read six SO books this month. 

We got ready and went to CarMax. We weren't there as long as I thought we might be, and they gave us more for Josh's car than I expected. So we don't have to worry about that one bill that was looming, and we're in slightly better shape until Josh starts getting summer pay. We even got Chinese food. 

I was totally exhausted for some reason, so we took a nap together. When we woke up, I worked on getting my janner ready for June. Later, I did my workout, and we did yoga together. 

I got another acceptance! That's the fourth this month, which is amazing for me.

Another piece of good news: I found that my wedding set fits again!

Day 4: Tuesday. Last night, I slept for ten hours without sleep meds! We weren't sure when we'd pick up Oliver, so we got ready early and then hung around. We went to Barnes briefly; we hadn't been there together in a long time. I saw a beautiful Peter Pauper Press journal based on the cover of a French edition of the Song of Songs. And I really want to read that Oh Reader magazine. 

We put the license plate in the mail and headed back to Rockingham. I read poems to Josh on the way. Mom was upbeat, and Oliver was content to go home with us. I read a couple of chapters of Lost in a Book. 

Josh finally heard about his summer job...which is starting tomorrow! I was hoping I'd get one more day with him, but I'm glad we got some time alone. I'm going to miss him so much. But I'm hoping to accomplish a lot and make this a bright summer. I'd like to lose a total of 20 pounds by the end of July...11 pounds to go! I'd also like to read 25 books over June and July and really start digging myself out of the Old Testament. 

Day 5: Wednesday. This was Josh's first day. Oliver slept in until 9:30. I was boiling eggs and baking chicken. Bruce sent me a most affirming and encouraging E-mail to help me through the day. I'll go back and read it again tomorrow. 

Oliver played outside and was largely content to play with his sheet protector, bounce around, and lounge on his crash pad. He did ask where Josh was about fifty times before accepting the answer; neither of us like Josh's being away. 

I finished the Mystic Moon journal and started a Studio Oh! Hello Gorgeous journal--bright with colorful makeup! I sent six poems to a journal. I'd taken a few days off from submissions, but I'm back on it now. I plan to send out at least eighty pieces this month. I've been ignoring my stories, and I have a lot of poems waiting. I also want to write several poems this month and really start building that third collection.

I worked on my May Reflection and June Intentions in my June Silk+Sonder janner. As usual, I'm feeling ambitious at the beginning of the month.

Day 6: Thursday. Today I'm writing in Pentel Sparkle Pop green with blue glitter, which is a lovely mermaid tail color.

I did an hour-long timed reading of Winterwood, a YA fantasy I'm really enjoying but not devoting enough time to. 

Josh will be working 7:30-5:30 M-R and 7:30-1:30 F. This is a tough schedule compared to what we're used to. But today, he did come home for his lunch break, and we got to snuggle on the couch a bit. I've been having a lot of anxiety, and I haven't been attending to my habits as I should. I did exercise, and Oliver had a good day. He's been enjoying the backyard. 

Day 7: Friday. Today was my first depressed day in a long time. I found out (just today) about an old medical bill that we can't afford to pay. So I'll have to attempt to make arrangements on Monday. Oliver had a meltdown, which lasted about 45 minutes. I'm thankful that it didn't turn destructive, but it was still overwhelming and exhausting. I had a stomach ache all day, which caused me to cancel my exercise for the day and my outing for Bruce for the evening. Josh was tired and overwhelmed when he got home. I'm just ready to be done with this day. I hope for a brighter day tomorrow.

Stillness & Attention: Week 21.

Day 1: Saturday. Today was a good day. Early this morning, I finished reading Sharon Olds's Satan Says. I later finished my Grande Paperblanks journal and began a Peter Pauper Press Mystic Moon journal. I'm going to start Sharon Olds's The Wellspring. 

We went to the splash pad briefly, but Oliver didn't want to stay. Josh went out to get my car's oil changed and buy more crackers (which seem to be the main part of Oliver's current diet). Josh brought home The Habit! That knocked out my calories for the day, but it was worth it. I was a little disappointed to see that I only lost 1 pound over the past week, but I guess that's pretty normal. It's still progress. That is 7 pounds total in about three weeks. 

I accomplished a few other things. I thought I'd sent out almost all my poems, but I decided to go back through my files to see if I'd missed any. Skipping over any poems I plan to retire, I found 94 poems that I can still send out. Gracious! I have a lot more work to do than I thought! I'm counting that as my writing work for the day. I did my full workout and 30 minutes of yoga. Then, I helped Josh with some preparation for his world lit class that starts next week. 

Day 2: Sunday. Josh helped me send out an early submission this morning--a story to a YA magazine. Files keep getting messed up on my Chromebook. Maybe we'll buy a laptop instead of a dresser; we may need it more. Luckily, Josh was able to fix the problem on his work computer. 

I received an acceptance this morning from the magazine that was the first to publish one of my poems some 14 years ago! This poem is one I wrote when we lived in Monroe about 12 years ago. Like my other May acceptance, it's one I didn't really expect, but I'm pleased. 

We went to the park for about 45 minutes, but Oliver asked to come home again. Maybe he wants a break from the crowd. He's been content to play in the backyard. Josh went to his JFON event. I did my full workout with yoga. When Josh got home, we ordered pizza! I was able to fit one slice of pizza and two garlic knots into my calorie plan. Excellent.

I plan on doing a lot with the three remaining years of my 30s (my birthday is less than a month away). I'll read so many books, send out so many poems, shape my series into a one novel, see so many shows, listen to such great music, write so many poems, see Oliver through middle school, get so many pieces published, read so much poetry, check out so many library books, drain hundreds of pens, fill dozens of journals, meet so many goals, learn so much, take so many perfect naps, find so much to enjoy. 

Day 3: Monday. We had a peaceful morning. I slept until almost 7. Josh got home from the gym and got back in bed. Oliver had ended up in bed with us at some point. While they slept, I got out my pink tape measure. I found that I'd lost a total of 11.5 inches in the past 20 days. That's remarkable, much more impressive than my 7 pounds. 

Oliver slept until 10:45, when he had an accident in our bed. Josh cleaned him up, and we ran laundry all day and remade our bed. Accidents happen most nights; we're still amazed that Oliver is potty-trained (that finally happened when he was eight). 

I received a kind personal rejection from a challenging magazine. The editors said they went back and forth on my poems, especially one of them, and they found much to admire in my work. They invited me to submit again. I definitely will do that next month. Hopefully, I'll have some good work available to send then. Uncanny Magazine rejected Break a Wish last night, so I'm back to the idea of merging the four novellas into one long novel. That will take me a while. I'd like to finish it next year--a lofty goal but possible. I sent 6 poems to a magazine today, so I've sent out over 60 pieces this month, and I have over 150 pieces under consideration. 

I did yoga with Josh and then did my workout. I'll work hard at that this week and see if it makes a difference on the scale.

I read some poems from Sharon Olds's The Wellspring today and read a couple chapters of Winterwood when the boys went to bed. I'm not reading enough, but I'm trying to get back to it. I need to get used to reading throughout the day again without being alone in bed. I used to read a ton on the weekends, so I know I can do it.

We expected a storm all day, but we didn't hear thunder until well after dark.

Day 4: Tuesday. I sent three poems to a themed call from a magazine in the UK...getting a few more of these poems out. I read a few more chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys when Josh took a break from working on his classes. We spent a couple of hours at the splash pad. I didn't read sad poems to Josh; I just felt like talking to him, being next to him. We'll finish the book eventually. 

I have that important meeting tomorrow morning. It came up quickly. OT is rescheduled for Thursday morning. This week with Josh feels like it's moving too quickly. I don't feel prepared to be without him so much. 

I still have to work out, do yoga, and do as much reading as possible, and the day is drawing to a close.

Day 5: Wednesday. I received another acceptance this morning! This was my first time submitting to the journal, and my poem will appear online. This one is a poem I wrote recently. I also sent three poems to a literary magazine. I wish more journals took larger submissions; a few take ten pages at a time.

I had an important meeting today. It went well enough. I won't know the results for at least a few weeks. Meanwhile, I'll stay plenty busy. I think it's a good pursuit, and I think I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.

We spent a couple of hours at the splash pad, and I think we managed to avoid sunburn. I did do my yoga and workout yesterday but not much reading.  

I'm writing with a TUL pen in gunmetal today. TULs only seem to work well in Peter Pauper Press journals; they like the paper. 

Josh finished setting up his world lit course today! Impressive. I love course planning, but it takes me a lot longer.

Day 6: Thursday. Josh took Oliver to a makeup OT session this morning. I had a couple of hours to myself but only managed to read a few poems. I've been having racing thoughts. It's exhausting, and it makes focus almost impossible. 

BENU has a new fountain pen coming out--it's glitter green with tiny shamrocks! I'd love to get it for Christmas, but it will sell out quickly when it comes out in July. 

I'm astonished at how quickly this month has passed. I've accomplished relatively little. I did read a day of the Bible yesterday. It's still repetitive doom from the prophets. It's doesn't seem like healthy reading. 

I wrote a thank you note to the person I met with yesterday. I sent five good poems to a challenging journal I've never approached. I've now sent out over 70 pieces this month. I did my workout and yoga and read a chapter of Lost in a Book to the boys. 

Day 7: Friday. Just five days are left in this month. What can I do with those days? I want to finish at least two more books to get to a total of ten for the month. I also need to get my June planner ready. 

I've been working on laundry today. Last night, Josh encouraged me to read before I went to sleep, and I enjoyed two chapters of Winterwood. Today, I've read three days of the Bible and read a few chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys. I also finished The Wellspring. And I read a good bit of Winterwood; I'm eager to get back to it. 

I'm anxious about money. Josh got contracts for his summer classes but not for his other summer position. We're juggling bills, and Josh's grad school loans will come due again in August. I hope we'll make enough from selling the car to cover one of our larger past-due bills. Mom is planning to keep Oliver Sunday and Monday night, so we'll get to take care of the car and have a little time alone. We haven't had that in a few months. 

Bruce and I went to Barnes again. I'd done my workout and done yoga with Josh, so I had enough calories left for coffee. We walked around talking about books and thinking about which ones we may choose for our birthday. I'm looking forward to that. We have no trouble spending two and a half or three hours in a bookstore. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 20.

Day 1: Saturday. I've lost a total of 6 pounds! That's a lot more than I expected this early! I'm not in the best mood however. Josh will be gone for a JFON event for a good bit of the day, and Oliver is starting to have a meltdown over wanting to go to the park. Just when I was starting to think I might be able to take Oliver out again by myself, he ran away from Josh full tilt at the park. Josh only caught him because he's a runner. I'm not taking that risk on my own. 

It's May 14, and I've only read one book this month! Gracious. I don't have a good excuse. 

All right, I finished Anthony S. Abbott's New and Selected Poems, and I'm working on A Vow So Bold and Deadly. The sun is shining, and something smells like vanilla ice cream. Oliver has spent a lot of time outside. 

I sent some poems that don't really fit anywhere to a more approachable market. I don't have any expectations. As usual, I feel like I'll never see another acceptance. 

Day 2: Sunday. I wrote a poem! It's called "Bottomless Pit." I know where I'll probably send it in a couple of days if I feel good about it. I sent it to Josh and Bruce. Josh said it's among his top five of mine!

Last night, I read about one-third of Sharon Olds's The Gold Cell aloud to Josh. He was awake for most of the poems. Her work is far from cheerful, but it's so good. I slept in until 8:30--the latest I've slept in a long time. 

I'm craving Papa John's thin crust sausage pizza and garlic knots. 550 calories for one slice and two knots. Hmm. Mmm. 

We went to the splash pad for a while today. It was hot. I noticed a sexy young mother--thin, toned, tan, and tattooed. I'm not sure if I can end up thin and toned again, but I'm trying. I'm not interested in being tan. Josh would love for me to be tattooed, but that's not for me. 

I sent out four more poems, not my best. But almost all my poetry is out. I hope I will write more poems this coming week. It's a great feeling.

Day 3: Monday. I'm stressed about money today. I'm feeling overwhelmed--money, summer, Josh's summer work, the cars. 

I took a short nap and felt a little better about the world afterward. Josh did get the summer position though paperwork is pending. It is probably going to be full time, in fact. That would help us a lot with financial concerns. I'll miss him terribly. But summer was always going to be tough. Maybe it will be a good time though. Maybe Josh will really like this job. 

I prepared a postal submission to put in the mail today. The magazine isn't on duotrope, so I'll have to rely on my own records. I'm writing with an Ooly Oh My Glitter Pen in green today. I love it. 

I finished The Gold Cell. Sharon Olds writes a lot about sex with her then-husband in her earlier books. It's painful to know how that marriage will end, having read Stag's Leap. I look forward to seeing what she writes about after that.

Day 4: Tuesday. This is the second-to-last full day of school for Oliver. When the boys left for school and work, I got back into bed with A Vow So Bold and Deadly and finished it. I really enjoyed the Cursebreaker series. I'm not sure who was my favorite character...probably Grey or Lia Mara. I also liked Nolla Verin. I'd read more books about them. A Vow came out in late 2020, so Kemmerer finished it during the first year of the pandemic. The art that came out of that period is so interesting. I'm still glad I read Together in a Sudden Strangeness. 

Josh asked me to come up with a list of about twenty books of contemporary poetry that the FTCC library should order, mostly by women and minority writers. I included T in a SS. That was such a fun little project! I got to go back through the 200+ books of poetry I've read (which doesn't seem like nearly enough for me at my age, but I'm making progress!). And the library ordered all the books!

I sent out poems to a magazine that has published my work twice. The editor recently rejected another submission, so I sent some better work, including a pretty new poem that I like. 

I wore makeup (more than eye sparkle and lip gloss) for the first time in a few days. I wore a teal T-shirt dress, a snowflake necklace (it's always snowflake season for me), and green glitter shoes to pick up Oliver and take him to OT. I got to listen to a lot of The Fixed Stars in the car. It's an unsettling read and it involves transformation in a person and in a marriage, but it's absorbing. OT and the driving were tiring but not too bad. 

I finished reading An Acceptable Time to the boys, which means we've finished The Time Quintet! That's one of my 40 before 40 goals! That also means that I finished TWO books today! Now, I'm getting back on track. 

Day 5: Wednesday. Josh helped me figure out how to play my audio book on his Xbox since I won't be spending much time in the car this summer. So I curled up in the corner of the couch and finished The Fixed Stars. I was a little surprised and bummed when it ended. MW said that she found some freedom in giving up a little hope. I sort of understood that. 

Josh went to Donuts for Dads at Oliver's school today, and it went well! This morning, he said I looked "gorgeous" and "radiant" when he came home from the gym. I won't soon forget that. 

I feel a space in my chest, aching for filling. I don't know what I need. Probably just attention. I'll try to stuff the space with poetry. 

I realized that the YA graphic novel Heartstopper is due today (I couldn't renew it as someone has placed a hold), so I lay down and read the whole book. It was sweet and simple. I may read more of the series. I took five books back to the library, but I still have three that are late. But I've now read five books this week (amazing), seven books this month (pretty good), and 68 books this year (awesome--more than I've read a lot of complete years). 

I didn't work out yesterday; I didn't feel great physically. But today, I did yoga with Josh as soon as he got home, and I did all my other exercising earlier. 

I began reading Lost in a Book, a young readers Beauty and the Beast novel, to the boys tonight. Josh seemed excited about starting a new book. As the summer begins, I'm going to read Oz 8 to Oliver while Josh is working. That series is also on my 40 before 40 list...we have a long way to go. 

Day 6: Thursday. Josh took today off. It was a long day. We all put on shorts and sunscreen, and Josh and I explained to Oliver that we were "all going to school together to play with school water." Even with this repeated preparation, Oliver expected us to end up at the splash pad. He kept saying he wanted to go home. Admittedly, the playground at school wasn't very exciting with a few teachers and kids and a couple of hoses. But once the rest of the kids, teachers, and parents; the inflatable pool; and the sprinkler showed up; he changed his mind. Josh even got wet. We watched Oliver run around, watch everyone play, and get in and out of the water for about an hour and a half. Then, though the boys refused to eat, I enjoyed a hot dog, Fritos, and a Dr. Pepper before we left early, and I logged it all on MyFitnessPal. I did my yoga and workout later. 

Josh went to the grocery store. We won't be able to go together this summer, which is a bummer. I can't really imagine taking Oliver to a grocery store. Maybe we'll do it someday. After Josh got home and we put everything away, he went back out to get a diagnostic on his car before the state inspection. We'd been dreading this. It turned out that getting his car to pass inspection would cost $1,000, money that we don't have. So we'll have to sell Josh's car. My mom mentioned possibly keeping Oliver next weekend. If she does, we can go to CarMax and take care of that. Otherwise, I'm not sure how we'll do it. I'm not excited about having only one car, but we've made it work before. The only good news is that that leaves us with a little more money than I expected to get us through the rest of the month. 

I read some of the Bible, poems from Satan Says (Sharon Olds's first book), the prologue to the YA fantasy novel Winterwood, and then a couple of chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys. I ended the night with a lot more Sharon Olds. 

Day 7: Friday. Josh took Oliver to school at 8 and spent a little time with me while I got ready for the awards ceremony at 9. With thirty kids with varying levels of autism stuck in one room for 45 minutes, I expected some chaos, but none really came. Oliver listened to his teacher and sat still even when he saw us come in all dressed up. He sat with us after he received his award for "Most Improved" in his class. It was a nice little closing event. Josh thanked me for finding the school and figuring it all out. Oliver clearly feels good there. 

Josh brought us home and then went to work. Oliver and I hung out. I tried Green Giant broccoli cheddar tots, which are officially okay. It's been a hungry day. Josh's world lit class is running after all, so he has a lot of prep to do. 

Good news: I found out that I'm going to have an important meeting on Wednesday morning...an opportunity that I've been hoping to get. We'll see how it goes! I'm glad I have a suit that fits! It's spring green, and I'll wear it with a violet floral blouse. But what shoes? 

Better news: Josh got to come home early! He cleaned and I put away laundry for about an hour, and then we did yoga together. 

The best news of the day is that Josh will be home next week! I thought he would have admin days through the end of the month, but I was wrong! He will be home until his summer contract begins, and we don't know when that will be. The kick-off meeting for the program is June 2, so maybe not until then!

Bruce and I met at 2nd and Charles and browsed books and bizarre merch for a couple of hours. We have great fun at bookstores. When I left home, I found that Josh had backed my car into its space. He's always trying to find ways to make my life easier. And when I came home, he was waiting for me at the front door--a happy close to the day.

Stillness & Attention: Week 19.

Day 1: Saturday. My computer is working again! Thank goodness. It's a Chrome Book that I really like. The only part I really don't like is that I can only open one document at a time, which makes editing and preparing submissions difficult. But I'll use it as long as I can because we definitely can't afford a new laptop. 

Oliver kindly slept through the night, so Josh and I got to wake up together and chat in bed. I sent out those five poems I meant to send yesterday. I've sent 20 pieces this month, and I have 113 pieces out total. Yesterday, a postal submission response came in--an acceptance! A poem about my working at Borders will be published in Blue Collar Review, which has published four other poems of mine, a couple last year and a couple many years ago--three about working in bookstores and one about waiting tables. It's not an incredibly exciting acceptance, but I'm quite pleased. I was hoping for an acceptance this month. That bumps up my acceptance rate a little; it's now 7.6%. I'd like to get to 10%. We'll see. I'm researching more markets. It's time consuming. 

Bruce and I went to DPAC to see My Fair Lady. It was quite good. I saved calories for our customary soft pretzel and peanut M&Ms. As usual, we sang show tunes in the car. 

Day 2: Sunday. Mother's Day. Josh wanted to go get me a burger today, but I hadn't budgeted the calories for it. I did have some delicious Chedda Believe It Moon Cheese. I continue to drink soda occasionally for the happy ritual of it even though it doesn't taste right. 

Oddly enough, Olive did not ask to go to the park today, so we got a break from that. It was a good day for such a break because it was cold. I sent out a submission of four poems and continued planning out future submissions. I received a rejection with an invitation to submit again, which is always encouraging. My plans are messy, but duotrope keeps my records neat and organized. 

I worked on most of my habits today. I read An Acceptable Time to the boys. I read a day of the Bible; I'm still behind but making progress again. I read some more ASA poems. I read quite a bit of A Vow So Bold and Deadly, which I'm still really enjoying. I read my minimum of 75 pages for the day. And I scribbled five pages in my huge journal. I also did my exercises, weights, and a little yoga. 

Josh doesn't have therapy tomorrow, so I get to have the whole morning with him! Bruce finished reading my book, so I'll work on editing tomorrow. I should be able to submit the book soon! Overall, I'm quite behind on reading--I've only finished one book this month! But I think I can catch up next week. I have some books due on Saturday, so I'll do my best. I need that stillness and attention.

Day 3: Monday. My car needs an oil change, and Josh's needs an inspection and probable repairs. We've been having trouble since those surprise taxes, so my mom lent us some money to take care of the cars. That's a relief. We should hear this week about the summer position for which Josh applied. If he gets it, we'll be in better shape but not until the end of July. Part-time pay at community colleges is badly delayed. 

I told my grandparents that we'd no longer need their support after next month. That's probably not true, but we won't need it for Oliver's school as it looks almost certain that we'll receive a disabilities grant for his tuition and (hopefully) his fees. We are enormously blessed in that, and getting that was a great deal of work! It is one of accomplishments of which I'm most proud. In a couple of months, we'll pay off Josh's hospital expenses from last year, so that will be one bill gone. Since I didn't have any cavities this time (a miracle with my teeth--thank God Oliver got Josh's strong teeth!), maybe we can pay off my old dental work before I need new work! And we're close to paying off Josh's undergrad loans though I doubt we can pay them off before we go back to paying off his grad loans. Come on, Biden; give us some help. 

We have no savings and a lot of debt. I'm doing the best I can with it. My disability pay isn't much, but it's more than I could make teaching part time. I don't think we could both teach full time and take proper care of Oliver, especially since he has so many days off and such long summers. I don't know how people do it, especially with a child (or children) with special needs. Josh has a great job and works hard, and I'm doing the NoBuy year. We'll continue to reassess. 

But in better news, Josh and I spent the morning together. We did yoga, rested, and talked. I'm cherishing these last hours we have alone together. When we're resting, I often look at this collage by the bed.

I got a little grumpy and down later in the day, but Bruce had finished proofreading my book, so I got to work on that. He caught several silly typos, a few confusing bits, and a repeating dialogue formatting error. I fixed it all, and then I created a new cover letter and sent the book to the magazine that is taking submissions of fantasy novellas! It's a long shot, but it's a special possibility. I feel great knowing my first fiction book is out there and someone I don't know may read it. I've workshopped parts of it, but no one but Josh, Mom, and Bruce has read the whole book. No one has asked to read it.

Day 4: Tuesday. I spent most of the morning scribbling, trying to get my pages in. Josh and I spent some time together in the afternoon. Tomorrow, we'll have our last stretch of time alone. I will miss that time terribly. Josh took Oliver to OT. I really appreciate his doing that. I'll take Oliver for the next couple of weeks as Josh will have long days. Josh brought home a quarter pounder--I had budgeted the calories, and it was delicious. I sent a piece of flash fiction to a magazine. Josh and I sat out in the sunlight on the back steps for a good while and talked. He was about as open with me as he's ever been.

Day 5: I finished my journaling yesterday, and I had great intentions to read a lot after the boys went to bed, but that's not what happened. I lay down and fell fast asleep around 7:30. I slept for 11 hours and 30 minutes. I woke up relaxed just before 7 a.m. as Josh was taking a shower after getting home from the gym. I showered, put on some comfortable clothes, and spread white sparkle on my eyelids. We took Oliver to school and then went to Lowe's for a shower knob (ours had cracked) and a cheap leaf blower for the back yard. ]Then, we got groceries. That was expensive as always. Our chickpea pasta arrived in the mail, so I plan to cook with it this week and see what we think of it. I read a few poems from The Art of Losing to Josh in the car. I'd like to finish the book this week. Next, we're going to read Bittersweet, a nonfiction book on the positive aspects of being melancholy. 

Back at home, we cuddled and rested. I wrote a little while he napped. Either my general fatigue has faded, or my body was satisfied with the amazing sleep I got last night. We did yoga and ate lunch together. Josh went to work, and I wrote a little more before going to the library to pick up a couple of holds, including yet another Sharon Olds book (I thought I had them all!). I picked up Oliver from school and dropped off a great many snack bags of chips for one of their end-of-the-year celebrations next week. Josh went to Party City after work and bought glow sticks for another school celebration. He's taken time off for some of those events next week. 

I sent five poems to a magazine I'm determined to infiltrate. The editor recently sent me a rejection but invited me to submit again, so I did so today, the first day of a new submission period. He will get used to seeing my name. 

Oliver does not like Josh's leaving the house, especially through the back door. Josh wanted to work on the yard this afternoon, so I prepared Oliver for hours in advance: "Later, Daddy is going to go in the back yard alone with the weed eater and the leaf blower and clean up the yard. You and I will stay inside. It will be loud. It will take a little while, and then, Daddy will come back inside." I told him this three times. When Josh was ready, he left through the front door (less traumatic) and walked around to the back yard. Oliver watched from the sliding door, and he did just fine. His receptive language (what he understands) seems to be a lot more advanced than his expressive language (what he says), and he really handles things pretty well if we prepare him well. We were worried about how Josh would take care of the yard this summer (he usually does it while Oliver is at school), but it seems like that will be fine. 

I've done all my exercises today except for squats, which I've added to my daily routine this week. I think I'm getting some muscle in my arms. I've started doing at least a little yoga almost every day. I've stayed under my calorie goal (sometimes too far under) for a couple of weeks now. I'm 2 pounds down, and I'll weigh again this weekend. I'm hoping that I'll have to make an exception to my NoBuy to get a pair of smaller jeans before the year ends. 

Day 6: Thursday. I received a form rejection for a story, so I sent out another story to another magazine. I still have 123 pieces pending. Who knows?

I had the day to myself, but I was in an odd mood. I made pasta salad with the chickpea pasta; it turned out fine. I journaled. I napped a little in the gloomy day. I listened to Corinne Bailey Rae as I got ready. I didn't feel like putting on makeup (shock), so I just applied some glitter and some red Fresh Sugar Icon lip gloss. I listened to The Fixed Stars in the car and picked up Oliver. When Josh got home, I read some of An Acceptable Time to the boys. We only have 50 pages left. Maybe we can finish it this week. 

Day 7: Friday. Today was a bit more productive. I did my journaling, napped for an hour, and did laundry and housework. I wore lavender jeans, a light pink ruffled tank top with a tiny black heart print, baby pink glitter shoes, and princess (crown and scepter) earrings. Again, I didn't feel like putting on makeup, so I just wore some Urban Decay pink and gold highlighter on my eyelids and some Fresh Sugar Bloom lip shimmer. That may become my general summer look.

The afternoon brought a little sunshine. I wanted to soak it all up. I've been a little sick to my stomach, so I'm not eating much. Tomorrow, if I remember, I'll weigh myself and see if I've lost any weight this week. I just hope I haven't gained--though that seems impossible. But I could be building muscle more quickly than I'm burning fat. I'm looking forward to having a new middle number, but that's a ways off. 

Oliver had a good day at school. His teacher sent home all his school stuff, so they really are done with academics. Next week is all fun. Josh got home earlier than I expected today, and we sat on the back steps together in unexpected sunlight.

Josh and I are making plans to go to Asheville in August for a half marathon. We're going to try to make a romantic weekend of it. It will be our first trip since New York and likely our only trip this year. I want Josh to have something to look forward to and work toward, and I want something to look forward to as well. I found a condo in downtown Asheville; we could walk to the race. I see myself lounging at the condo or browsing in shops and then waiting for Josh at the finish line. The race is in the morning, so we'll have the rest of the day to rest and explore. By then, we will have gotten summer pay for Josh's class and/or new position, so we'll be able to enjoy some good food, and we won't have to worry too much about gas. We haven't been to Asheville together since we were dating. 

All the days of May have been good overall: joyful or passionate on my mood tracker. I hope that continues.

Stillness & Attention: Week 17.

Day 1: I am very sick today. My senses of smell and taste are still gone. I caught a hint of Cherry Merlot hand soap and thought they were back. But that only lasted for a second. I'm not eating much because I can't taste anything. I muscled through a cup of brown rice for dinner. I'm still testing negative for COVID. 

I haven't been able to read, but I did scribble five pages in my journal today. I wanted to finish my current journal this week, but that's not going to happen.  Josh is doing a little better. I rested in bed (but couldn't sleep) while he took Oliver to the park. I feel like I'm just trying to exist. Amazingly, I'm not depressed--just exhausted and ill. I haven't made progress with anything. But Josh and I did do some yoga. I'm ending the day with Ambien and melatonin. 

Day 2: Sunday. I was going to wash my hands, put on a mask, and go to the library today to return books and pick up holds, but it's closed for the Dogwood Festival. I tested negative for COVID again; surely, it would have shown up by now. I catch momentary sensory details--a hint of lilac body spray, a tiny echo-taste of tomato. But smell and taste are still mostly gone. I've started taking Mucinex, and I'm coughing a little. 

My guess is that I have strep and a sinus infection. I'm still congested and a little out of it, but I feel much better than I did yesterday. Hopefully, the antibiotics are doing their work and getting me over this. I'm going to try to get back to my normal pursuits though they seem overwhelming. I'm starting Olga Dies Dreaming by Xochitl Gonzalez. I don't remember the recommendation that led me to the book, so I have no idea what to expect. 

I also don't know what to expect of next week. I haven't heard from Oliver's school about whether or not it will be in person. Josh has therapy and a longish stretch of work tomorrow. 

Oliver had a mini meltdown at the park. We had to navigate taking him to a restroom as the rec center was closed. Sundays are complicated because of that. 

Day 3: Oliver did go back to school, and Josh and I spent some time together this morning. We did yoga again. I look forward to it now. I prepared a submission, but the submission form wasn't working, so I'll have to try that again later. I think I'm mostly past being sick. I've been neglecting most of my habits and goals while sick, so I hope to get back to normal this week. I did go to the library and pick up some holds. I accidentally held an audio book instead of a paperback, so I may try to listen to that in the car.

Day 4: I took a walk in my neighborhood this morning while listening to the original Broadway cast recording of Tootsie. I worked with 5-pound weights, which I'm trying to do most days. I'm sore from doing weighted side bends a couple of days ago. Josh and I got to spend some time together this afternoon. We picked up Oliver together and took him to OT, but he became very upset and wanted to go home. He's fine now; I don't know what that was about, but it was his second mini meltdown in three days. That is unsettling.

A storm is rolling in. I'll have to turn on the lamps early. I'm glad to be at home with my family. Tomorrow, Josh and I will get groceries and spend the morning together. Oliver only has 3 1/2 weeks of school left. Summer will be very different for us. I just hope Josh and I find time to spend together. Spring break was a bit of a trial run, but strep complicated it. 

Day 5: Groceries are expensive. But we won't have to buy much next week. I got soy sauce and lots of vegetables to make veggie fried rice this week. I've decided to make a real effort to lose weight. I restarted my MyFitnessPal account. 1,200 calories a day seems absurd, but I'm trying for it. Josh and I did yoga again, and I did weights and the ab series I learned in my college ballet class. 

I finished a journal today and started my beautiful Paperblanks Poetry in Bloom Grande journal. 

I went back to the library to pick up a stray hold: Smoke, poems by Dorianne Laux. I also got a couple of graphic novels and checked out The Only Good Indians again as I didn't get to it last time. The library employee said she had just read it. I told her I had read My Heart Is a Chainsaw, which was crazy and crazy good. 

Day 6: I had a stretch of time alone this morning, and I stayed busy. I finally got back to reading my Daily Bible, and I read many poems from A Fortune for Your Disaster aloud. I did some scribbling in my big journal. I made fried brown rice with riced cauliflower, broccoli, sugar snap peas, sweet peas, corn, baby corn, carrots, and red peppers. It turned out well. I did weights and the ab series. I organized stickers and used them to decorate a top-spiral journal. Then, I went for a 1.25-mile walk near home while listening to the original cast recording of Starlight Express. Josh was able to come home early, so we had a little time together before he picked up Oliver from school. 

This afternoon, I finally sent a submission. I sent formal poems that I wrote way back as an undergrad. I've received two rejections in the last couple of days. Despite illness and subsequent falling off track, I've sent out 93 pieces this month. I still have a lot of poems and a few stories to send. I'll return to sending a submission each day. I was doing so well with all my habits, and now, I wonder how I kept up with everything! But I'll get back on track. 

I need to reestablish good habits while Oliver is still in school because keeping up in summer will be tougher. The hardest times will be the last couple weeks of May, when Josh will have long admin days. Oliver gets out of school on May 20, so it'll just be us at home. Josh may have fairly heavy summer work too; we should find out about that soon. 

But Josh is taking tomorrow off, so we'll have the whole school day alone together! I'm so excited about that. We'll probably mostly stay in bed--he'll nap, and hopefully, I'll read and do writing work. I do kind of wish I could nap during the day when I want to. Sometimes I can rest happily for a while. 

I found a possible market for my book! It's kind of a hard sell as a YA fantasy novella, but I want to give this market a shot. So I'll be polishing the book over the next couple of weeks. 

Day 7: This was a great day. Josh and I spent the whole school day together. We did yoga and watched two episodes of Documentary Now. We don't often watch shows together. Josh took a nap, and I rested and actually slept for about twenty minutes! We talked a lot and didn't really accomplish anything, which was nice. 

In the evening, I went to Barnes with Bruce. We walked around for over two hours, looking at books and talking about what we'd like to read. I checked the library for some books. We talked about books we may read together. I saw so many great new journals! I need a big ol' Barnes gift card. I'd saved calories for a grande caramel macchiato. 

I had the idea that for our birthday celebration and gifts (our birthdays are June 15 and June 17), Bruce and I could go to Barnes again and buy books we want to read together! We've read over forty books together though not lately. I'd love to get back to that. 

When I got home, Josh was waiting for me. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 16.

Day 1: I sent nine poems to a journal that will likely take several months to get back to me. I have 100 poems under consideration. I finished Cathy Smith Bowers's A Book of Minutes and started her Traveling in Time of Danger. It's strange that she has a Collected Poetry when she is still alive and presumably still writing. When I first saw the book, I was worried. But apparently, she's still teaching in the Queens MFA program.

I'm now in August in my Daily Bible. I'm ready for the New Testament.  

Day 2: I've been to two parks today, and now, I'm tired. I read some of AAT to both boys and some of the Running book to Josh while we sat on a hill more dirt than grass.

I sent out five poems this morning, somewhat comical ones, all from my chapbook The Queen, the City. I received two rejections in the last two days, both a little disappointing--one because my work has appeared there before and the other because it was for a themed call and I thought what I sent fit well. Oh well. Both said I should submit again later, so I'll wait a couple of months and do that. 

I decided to revise my poetry collections even though they're currently under consideration with publishers. I started with Little Droughts and Hurricanes, the much-evolved version of my masters thesis. I cut seven poems that just belong elsewhere. I hope this tightens the manuscript. I'm also thinking about merging one complete chapbook with another chapbook idea. I figure I'll revamp my books once a year as I continue to send them out. Responses typically take several months. I have an idea of where to send LD&H next. I'm going to try to publish more of the poems in the chapbooks before I submit the chapbooks for publication again. I have a lot of work to do. 

I finished Cathy Smith Bowers's Traveling in Time of Danger. I've started reading The Truth about Magic by Atticus for some lighter poetry and visual engagement. I should finish it quickly. I only have about 75 pages left in Snow White and Rose Red. I'll try to finish that tomorrow. But I really need to be focused on The Personal Librarian and The Storied Life of A. J. Fikry, both of which are late. I also need to finish The Paris Library, read a Proust graphic novel (I figured it would be a good introduction to Proust, whom I've never read), and read a story collection called Cities I've Never Lived In. Those three books are due soon. I have some holds coming in next week, so I need to get square with the library. I'm struggling a little with attention. 

Meanwhile, I'm three and a half months into my NoBuy year. What I want most right now is a set of The Phantom of the Opera prints by Annie Stegg. I also want her one of her books and some of her other prints. She's a new favorite artist. But I'll get something of hers for Christmas or next year. In the meantime, I'll keep looking at her beautiful paintings online.

Day 3: I'm writing with a Pentel Krazy Pop Electric Watermelon pen, dark green with red glitter. 

I finished editing an old story (one I like) and sent it to a speculative journal. If it gets rejected, I may ask the editor of the magazine I read for to help me figure out revision. He looks at one story a month for staff members. This story was shortlisted (meaning it got through the first round of reading though not the final round) for another magazine, so it must have some merit. It has one great scary moment that I need to extend somehow. 

Day 4: I'm writing with a Krazy Pop Cotton Candy Bliss pen, pink with blue glitter.

I sent six poems to a magazine today; it's a magazine that Duotrope doesn't list, so I'll have to rely on my handwritten records. We went to the park for a while. It was sunny and windy. I read more of Running to Josh; we only have about 35 pages left.

Day 5: I finished Fate by Ai this morning: rough but good poems. I'll read more of Ai's books, whatever I can get through the library. I've started a check-out list on the library's website, and I can easily place holds from that list. I have a lot of poetry in transit! Now, I just need to finish as many books as I can and return them. I have five books ready to go back. One of them is the Proust graphic novel, which Josh said he might read. I'm starting A Fortune for Your Disaster, poems by Hanif Abdurraqib.

I sent a piece of flash fiction to a magazine. This story almost made it into another magazine many years ago. I remember the editor's sending me the longest, most encouraging rejection I've ever received. I submitted work to him three more times, and that fourth time, he published the story! I've actually only published two stories. I'm much more experienced (and well-read) as a poet than as a short fiction writer.

Day 6: Today was a mess. Actually, it went pretty well under the circumstances. Josh has had a sore throat for a couple of days, and I my throat started hurting last night. I figured we must have strep. Josh went to urgent care in the morning and tested positive for strep. When he got back, I went to urgent care. My test was negative, but the doctor saw patches in my throat and prescribed antibiotics anyway. I'm pretty sure I have strep. 

When I got back, we took Oliver to the doctor. Oliver can't tell us if his throat hurts, but he hasn't shown any signs of being sick. His strep test was negative. So we'll just watch him. Josh and I are on amoxicillin and 24-hour Sudafed, but we still feel pretty rough. I suddenly realized that I couldn't smell anything--not a scented candle, not a Wallflower, not my shampoo. Then, my sense of taste went too. We did two kinds of at-home rapid tests, both negative. If I test negative again tomorrow, we may need to find a testing site to do a PCR. Do those still exist? Everyone is acting like the pandemic is over. I didn't do much reading or send a submission today. I did start A Fortune for Your Disaster, poems by Hanif Abdurraqib.

Day 7: We had a home inspection today, which was stressful. Just acting well was hard (we did tell the person that we were sick before she came, and I wore my N95). But our house looks great, and we are tired. I'm not even looking forward to going to bed because I don't think I'll feel better. I feel like I have a sinus infection--all that pressure in my face. 

Luckily, Oliver has been in a good and chill mood. I've done a ton of laundry, and our beds are fresh. Again, I haven't been able to read or do writing work. I sent five extra submissions last week, so I'm still ahead. I'm giving up on some library books that need to go back. I also have some books waiting at the library, including a YA fantasy and some Sharon Olds poetry. I'm worried that being sick will make me lose all my momentum. But I just have to give myself grace. A hot bubble bath sounds good. I already miss the taste of Dr. Pepper.

Stillness & Attention: Week 15.

Day 1: Oliver slept in today, so Josh and I got some morning time together. I read more of Bella Grace Cozy and sent four poems to a magazine in Wales. I've had poems published in English and Canadian journals, but that was long ago. 

Everything Everywhere All at Once was insane and maybe...awesome? Awesome. I didn't experience a moment of boredom. I think I need to process the movie. Going to a movie theater was great; I hadn't been to one since Josh and I saw Dear Evan Hansen in Raleigh. 

I read the first chapter of An Acceptable Time to the boys. We're almost done with the series!

And I got some good news: an online literary journal has accepted one of my poems! Every acceptance is basically a miracle. I've sent out 79 pieces this year, but I have about 140 pieces listed on duotrope. I have some to retire and a lot more to send out.

Day 2: Josh and I again had a little time before he went for a bike ride. I sent three poems to a journal that rejected other poems about a year ago--time to try again! I finished reading Voracious, which is perfect if you like books and food, whether or not you can cook (I can't). That's book five for the month. I don't think I'll get anywhere near the amount I read last month: 

We went to a nearby park and stayed there for two and a half hours! The sun was bright, and the wind was cold. It felt great. I enjoyed sitting on the turf, feeling the wind and sun, and talking to Josh. I did read a chapter of Running to him while we were there. Oliver happily ran up and down his favorite hill and watched the kids play.

Josh went to a hunger walk (he ran). I ate brown rice with chicken, green beans, and cheese. I continued reading Snow White and Rose Red, which has gotten interesting. I already feel behind on my YA focus though I am counting Many Waters (yes, I've decided that the Time Quintet is YA rather than young readers...Many Waters contained the words slut and easy lay. We laughed out loud). Later, I started reading The Personal Librarian. I hope it will be an easy read. Josh took four books back to the library for me.

Day 3: Monday. I read more of Bella Grace Cozy while Josh went to the gym and Oliver slept. Josh took Oliver to school and then slept while I planned submissions. I sent three pieces of flash fiction to a contest and figured out my next few submissions. I'll send at least seven submissions this week. 

I've been keeping up with my Bible reading, trying to do it earlier in the day since it's still bleak (I'm in Jeremiah). I get a little down on Mondays. I probably just miss Josh since he works later that day. But I boosted my spirits paradoxically by finishing the heartbreaking Stag's Leap--so sad and so good. 

Day 4: I finished reading Bella Grace Cozy this morning. One of my new dreams is to write for BG. I'll add that to my 50 before 50 list. I started reading The Very Short Poems of A. R. Ammons, a library book. Some people don't like short poems. I think they can be awesome. I generally prefer poems that don't go beyond the first page. But occasionally, I'm grateful to find more on the next page (Hey, Sharon Olds). 

I sent five poems to a magazine and revised a few old poems. Revision is a lot easier with years of distance. I rewrote a couple of poems to suit a particular market that still only takes postal submissions. I need to write letters anyway, so maybe tomorrow will be a day for stamps. I now have seven other submissions planned out, enough to get me into next week. I don't think subs will be difficult during spring break; the boys notice when I get all intense working on a sub. I have a lot more reformatting if not actual revising to do. Somehow, I always have more to change or fix. 

I now have 72 pieces out. That's still only a little more than half of my active work. I have a lot of work ahead. But I'm trying to pace myself and only send out one sub set a day. Steady. 

Well, I threw that out the window. I sent four submissions today (including the postal submission) and planned several. It took most of the day. I'm tired now. But I'm still trying to get in all my habits for the day. Josh took Oliver to OT and brought home a burger for me. He's always trying to make my life easier. 

Day 5: I sent two submissions today, one of them to a contest. I now have 89 pieces out on the town. I'd like to get 20 acceptances this year, but I'll be happy with 10. We'll see. I did get a late start. So far, I'm at 1. I got 11 acceptances last year, but I really only submitted work in January and February. I hope to stay on top of it this year. Once I get everything out, I'll shift into maintenance mode and focus on creating new work.

This morning, I started reading the current issue of Bella Grace and read a couple of chapters of The Personal Librarian. I'm quite behind on my reading, but I did read a great many A. R. Ammons poems last night. I'd like to finish the book today. 

Josh did the grocery shopping today because I was sleepy. He's always trying to make my life easier. Wait, I just said that yesterday! When he got back, we put away groceries and did our third session of yoga. Last night, I ordered a hot pink yoga mat with Amazon points. Josh already has a mat. Mats will make the hardwood floor much more comfortable. We've gotten through standing poses, twists, and back bends. Oliver cannot abide by unauthorized video or audio, so we're going to have to see how much we remember on our own for the next few sessions. 

Oliver's last day of school is tomorrow; then, he'll be off for ten days. Josh will be off next week too. Keeping Oliver entertained will be a challenge. We'll probably spend a lot of time at the park. Maybe I'll finish reading Running to Josh.

Day 6: I read some of Bella Grace and The Personal Librarian again this morning. I like that time between 6 and 7 a.m.

I sent seven poems to a magazine. I've almost reached 100 pending subs! I was alone this morning, so I took a B&BW Winter Candy Apple bubble bath and finished reading The Really Short Poems of A. R. Ammons. I didn't love it, but I marked a few clever poems for Josh to read. 

I started reading The Book of Minutes, poems by Cathy Smith Bowers. I've read three of her books, and I've checked out the other two in a collection from the library. Cathy was one of my thesis readers, and I got to see her again when she came to do a reading and workshop at the college where I was teaching. She remembered me! I was pregnant with Oliver at the time. 

I've asked the library to purchase some of Alan Michael Parker's poetry books. I own four, and the others are on order. I hope to read those soon. Alan was my thesis advisor (I went with the tough one), and I got to see him too when he read at my college. Alan, Cathy, Kathryn Stripling Byer, and Joseph Bathanti had the greatest influence on my poetry. JB also read at my college. Kay was the NC Poet Laureate when we were juniors at ASU, and she taught a poetry seminar we took. We went to her odd little octagonal cabin every week to snack and to talk about poetry. We stayed in touch with her until she died some years ago. I miss her. She once featured us together on her blog. 

Oliver came home with Easter eggs and candy from school. He doesn't care much for candy except Skittles. I've had a lemon Starburst and a Hershey's Kiss. I made whole wheat rotini with asparagus and Alfredo sauce. 

Oliver stayed up late last night, and we're not sure why. I hope that doesn't happen again tonight. I fell asleep before Josh came to bed. That bit of time at night is going to be important during spring break. We used to get a little time in the mornings, but Oliver has been waking up early. We're not used to staying up past 8:30. But we'll have to try to get 30 minutes or an hour together before we sleep. Josh has narcolepsy, so this is especially challenging. I can't fall asleep without melatonin or Ambien, so I can just start taking those later at night. The worst is when I delay my sleep meds so I can see Josh but he goes to sleep and I'm left alone, stuck awake. In general, though, I've been having less of the extreme loneliness that wrecked me for a while. 

Day 7: This morning, Josh and I did our fourth session of yoga, this time without a video. We just timed it for 20 minutes and did all the poses we could remember. I used my new hot pink yoga mat. I read chapter 4 of An Acceptable Time to the boys.

While Josh was at work, I submitted six poems to a magazine with a theme call: Sugar. I mostly sent poems about food! I now have 102 pieces under consideration.

After Josh got home a little early, we went to the park for about two and a half hours. I read to Josh; we're more than halfway through Running. I imagine we'll spend a lot of time at the park during the break, and I'll do a lot of reading. 

I reached my reading goals for the day, but I still have library books to finish asap. I have some holds coming in next week, mostly poetry, so I need to get square with the library. I need that stillness and attention.

Stillness & Attention: Week 14.

Day 1: I've been wanting to make more use of our study, a special little room full of books and our two desks. I've fantasized about having a cozy reading chair by the window, but we're broke, and we had an exercise bike and an exercise ball in that space. So I thought, someday. 

But I remembered what my phone lock screen says: Use what you have. A couple of years ago, I bought a turquoise disc chair for our room. I sat there while I did writing workshops. At Christmas, we decided to put up a tree in that space, so we moved the chair to Oliver's room, where we don't really use it. 

So I told Josh my idea. He said I could give away the exercise bike and he'd put the ball in the attic. Done! Someone already picked up the bike. And Josh moved my chair to the study, right by the window that gets morning sunlight. I took a little wine stand from the guest room (a funny little piece we've used as nightstand, printer stand, and more) and set it next to the chair for drinks and books. It's a perfect little reading nook! I plan to spend mornings there.

I didn't do enough reading today, but I did continue Many Waters aloud and send out a three-poem submission.

Bruce and I saw Oklahoma! at DPAC. It was...well, I don't think I'm cool enough to have fully enjoyed it. The dream sequence, the camera use, and the dark ending didn't do it for me. But of course, the songs were good, and the cast was talented. I was especially impressed with the man who played Jud, Christopher Bannow. He was able to make the character both creepy and somewhat sympathetic. I don't know if the original show was darker and the movie toned it down. I may just need time to process.

In any case, we enjoyed soft pretzels, peanut M&Ms, laughter, and showtunes. Only about 10% of the people at the show wore masks, but we did. I wore my comfortable champagne glitter wedges and had a much easier time walking around in Durham. It was a beautiful day, sunny and not too hot. An usher complimented my necklace. I love compliments from ushers! 

Day 2: I've been reading for the magazine and sending out another three-poem submission. I have 58 pieces out now. I'm not likely to get anything back very soon. I'll keep myself busy. I did spend a few minutes sitting in the sunlight in my new nook. Today, I'm washing our sheets and all our bedding. I'll have to pay close attention to the washer and dryer so I can get it all done today. 

Surprisingly, I just received a one-day rejection. That journal is really on top of submissions! I expect rejections a good 93% of the time. They rarely bother me for more than a second if even that. I've gotten hundreds of rejections.

Day 3: I sent four poems to a poetry contest! I've never won a contest as an adult, and I don't expect to win. But I still think entering is good.

I'm writing today with one of my favorite pens (this one from Leah): Pentel Krazy Pop Velvet Starlight, a gorgeous dark blue with gold shimmer.

Yesterday, the boys and I went to the park. Josh and I sat on the turf, and I finished reading Reasons to Stay Alive to him. That's book two for the month. I'll soon read to him What I Talk about When I Talk about Running. And I did finish washing all our bedding, so we have a fresh bed. Our word-covered duvet cover is still bright. 

I received another rejection, and I ended up getting bummed. I don't think it was because of the rejections; I'm pretty used to those. But I told Josh I needed comforting. He came home early and brought The Habit! The burger was great, and I started pulling out of my mood.

Day 4: I had some time with Josh this afternoon, and then, he took Oliver to OT. I read for the magazines and finished reading Frank Bidart's Star Dust. I got a notice that a magazine that has published my work in the past is still looking for submissions for its newest themed issue. I wrote a new poem for the call and sent two other poems that seemed to fit. That is my first simultaneous submission. I don't send pieces to more than one publisher at once because that's a lot to keep up with, but I think this was a special case. Most writers do simultaneous submissions; right now, I'm just trying to get all my work out somewhere. I'll consider simultaneous submissions later. 

Day 5: I spent the morning with Josh, and he made us scrambled eggs. We came up with some goals to keep us mentally healthy. I'm encouraging Josh to read and write a little each day even though he's been in a terrible slump. We're planning to start doing yoga and to try to get more sunlight. I started reading the Running book to Josh as we drove to get groceries. We bought pretty minimal groceries, but the bill was still high. 

I started reading Sharon Olds's Stag's Leap, poems. It's a Pulitzer Prize winner. Snow White and Rose Red is getting interesting. I read a good bit of Voracious, which is late going back to the library. I was pretty tired by the end of the day, but I did read a day of my Daily Bible. I've also been reading an article (or more) from Bella Grace Cozy each morning. I need to finish two more books this week. We only have 40 pages left in Many Waters! I didn't send a submission today, but I did write a poem: "Peter."

Day 6: I didn't sleep well last night. I've been anxious. I did send out five poems and read a story for the magazine, so I feel mildly accomplished. I get a sliver of time with Josh this afternoon. He is taking a few hours off tomorrow so that we can spend the whole school day together. We're going to do some yoga (I have a DVD) and try to get outside. At 7, I'm going to see Everything Everywhere All at Once with Bruce and Corey--a late night for me! I'm looking forward to the company, the sci-fi, the popcorn, and the big soda (probably Cherry Coke). It will be a great day.

Day 7: Josh and I had a good day together. We did yoga (a little comical, but we did it), ate together, and rested. While he slept, I sent a story to a magazine. Later, I finished reading Many Waters to the boys. We only have one more book in the Time Quintet. We'll start that tomorrow.

MW is book #50 for the year. I'm halfway to my goal.

Stillness & Attention: Week 13.

Day 1: Yesterday, I picked up my Daily Bible and started reading where I left off in July a couple of years ago. I decided to go ahead and finish the reading, working on it each day. Some of this stems from my faith, some from my questions and doubts, and some from basic literary and cultural scholarship. 

I wanted to submit fiction to a magazine that has published my poetry. It centers on fairy tales and considers three pieces of flash fiction at a time. I found a brief story based on a dream; I'd completely forgotten it, and my readers (Josh and Bruce) say they never read it. It's not fanciful but has a fable-like quality. So I needed two more pieces. My other fairy tales are too long. I stared at the blank screen for a minute, but nothing came. Having given up, I turned to a new page in my journal and wrote a 400-word story called "Berry and Blanket." I was excited--this was my first piece of short fiction in a long time, maybe a year or so. 

And today, The Necklace That Does Not Exist (as Josh bought it with money outside space and time) arrived! It's a Betsey Johnson Tzarina jewelry box necklace. It has Betsey Johnson's darling hematite bows, a rhinestone-studded hand mirror, and a little gold and pink glitter jewelry box...that opens.

Inside are a jewel, a gold heart necklace, and a ballerina. I can't wait to wear it.

I've made a lot of progress with Neverland; I'll try to finish it this weekend. I finished off my B&BW Sparkling Limoncello shower gel today. I like to have a few gels going at once. I'm really loving the philosophy Cinnamon Buns 3-in-1. 

Day 2: I finished Neverland and finished a journal! Neverland was a biography, but not just of one person. It was primarily about J. M. Barrie, George du Maurier, and Daphne du Maurier. The latter's adolescent journals will not be published until 2039--I'll be on the watch for them. I'll be...54 then. Dang. I've now started the Paperblanks Violet Fairy journal. It sparkles in sunlight.

I've been writing with a Sunburst metallic pen in purple. 

Oliver had a meltdown today. It was pretty bad. He didn't hit anyone or break anything, but he did a lot of screaming. After a long time, we got him to the park, and he recovered for the most part. Josh and I will be slower to recover. I found a homework assignment in Oliver's backpack tonight, and figuring that out put me over the edge, especially when we ran out of glue. But! Today, a whole box of pens arrived from Leah! I have enough pens now to last a few months I think.

Day 3: I've felt pretty fried today. I've been trying to reset. Josh and I had a little time together in the morning. I took a twenty-minute nap. I think I needed more than that. I've mostly done a lot of scribbling today. I've been finishing up an Ooly glitter pen in green. 

I don't feel like doing much of anything--reading or writing or anything else. I think I just need to put another night of sleep between myself and Oliver's meltdown. I also decided to surrender to the library gods and return all my late books. I've made a list so I can check them out again later. I'll shift my focus to the books that are due in April. Fully catching up isn't possible. I hate to admit defeat, but I do feel a little lighter. I returned Neverland today, and tomorrow, I'll ask Josh to help me return the eleven other late books. Bummer. 

But I'm starting Robin McKinley's Shadows. It's YA, so it works for my spring focus. I'm also starting Voracious, a food and literature memoir. These two are due on April 5, so I have some time to finish them. I've also been reading Snow White and Rose Red by Wrede. "SW & RR" is probably my second favorite fairy tale. My top five are probably

1. "The Twelve Dancing Princesses"
2. "Snow White and Rose Red"
3. "The Snow Queen"
4. "Cinderella"
5. "Beauty and the Beast"

And I'm reading a couple of poems from Dorianne Laux's Facts about the Moon each day. Reading poems is one of my daily habits, and I've been doing pretty well with my daily habits so far this month. 

I think I need extra stillness today. I don't have much attention to put to use. Josh is struggling today too. But in a few hours, we should be falling asleep together, and tomorrow will be new.

Day 4: Last night, I still did most of my reading (a little SW&RR, a day of the Bible, and some Laux poems), and I wrote a poem called "Practice." I wasn't very impressed with it, but Josh was!

This morning, I decided to spend some of my not-quite-with-it-enough-to-read-books morning time on a magazine. So I read the current issue of Real Simple. I think I'll start reading magazines in the early morning. Next up, the Bella Grace Cozy issue I've been meaning to read for months. Now that I'm returning my late books, I feel a little more free in my reading. 

I sent six poems to a lit mag. I also had my therapy session over the phone, and my therapist decided we should move from once every two weeks to once every four weeks! She was impressed that I haven't had any depressed days in March.

I found myself with a spontaneous, spreading smile because I thought, I can do this writing thing. I can send all my work out. I can write new poems every week. I can (I can) write a short story every week. It'll all take work, but I can do it and take joy in it. I'm not in danger of not reaching my reading goal (I'm almost halfway there after three months), so I can devote more time to writing. This week, I've written poems, written a story, and sent submissions with Oliver right there with me. It's all possible. Maybe I'll burst into light.

Day 5: Yesterday got hard. Occupational therapy makes Oliver's challenges, particularly issues I don't usually worry about, glaring. We're trying to teach him to buckle his seat belt, and his lack of interest and effort is enormously frustrating. But I rallied later in the day and wrote a poem called "Bound," a poem I've needed to write for a while and was suddenly able to write. 

Today, I got to spend the morning with Josh. We went grocery shopping and then rested. I always want more time with him. Spring break is coming up; Oliver's will be ten days plus two weeks of virtual learning. Then, we'll just have a a few more weeks of school. Josh and I will have no built-in time alone together. Josh usually wants to go to sleep early and to work out before Oliver gets up. It's going to be a long break (3.5 weeks) and a long summer (3.5 months). I'll just have to make peace with it. 

I've read 19 books this month, and I'd like to finish one more. That will probably be Facts about the Moon. I'm in a little bit of a reading slump, not especially interested in anything else I'm reading. But I've been keeping up with my Daily Bible and reading at least a tiny bit of YA lit each day. 

Today is World Bipolar Day, and my mood is fragile. Sunday's meltdown and yesterday's OT have left me pretty worn out. I've been taking a lot of bubble baths whenever I can, sometimes early in the morning. If I'm in a reading slump, my mood is not likely to improve. Tomorrow, I'll spend most of the day alone, and I hope to be productive and take good care of myself. Friday, I'll get another morning with Josh (no meetings this week!). 

Saturday, I get to go see Oklahoma! at DPAC with Bruce! That should be a renewing experience. I've been looking forward to the show. Bruce and I sing showtunes in the car, which is 20% of the fun. 10% of the fun is soft pretzels and M&Ms before the seating area opens. I remind myself how starstruck my younger self would be to know that I have season tickets to the theatre. I added all the dates for next season to my calendar. Our front-row balcony seats renew automatically, and I have a reasonable monthly payment. I never would have thought I could do such a thing without being rich. 

Every day since I finished my dress challenge, I've been wearing jeans. Democracy jeans are the best, and I have a few pair. I thought I might be wearing shorts soon, but the weather has been gloomy and chilly. That probably isn't helping my mood. Still, I've had a lot of joy in the last couple of days, a lot of those spontaneous smiles. That's where I want to focus.

I worked on Twitter a little today (@beckynjames). My tweets are primarily related to books and musicals. I also sent five poems to a lit mag. I currently have 41 pieces out and under consideration. I have 132 pieces listed on duotrope; that's not everything. I want to create master lists of my poems and stories. 

Day 6: I started the day with writing work, editing some pieces and making a writing to-do list. I sent five poems to a magazine. I've submitted 45 pieces this month! 

Last night, I finished Facts about the Moon (which, as it turns out, was actually book #21 for this month--I'd forgotten a book) and began Voracious. Today, I'm starting Nicole Sealey's poetry collection Ordinary Beast. 

I made pasta salad yesterday, and today, I baked garlic and herb chicken. I also made Green Giant's riced broccoli and chickpea pasta (like orzo), and it was very good! I've been scribbling a lot today, and I read a story for the magazine. I'm eager for a bath with a book and then bed. I get tomorrow morning with Josh, so I'm happy about that.

I attended a free seminar this afternoon on publishing work in literary magazines. I didn't learn anything major, but I did get some perspective. The teacher, who is widely published, has about a 7.5% acceptance rate. Mine from the last two years is similar, so that was encouraging. She said that when she's submitting diligently, she gets about 150 rejections and about 20 acceptances per year. That's also encouraging. And she only waits a couple of months to resubmit after a rejection, so I guess I don't need to wait a year for most magazines.

Day 7: I finished Ordinary Beast in the bathtub last night, bringing my March total to 22 books. I read nine books of poetry in March, and I hope to read just as many in April. It's National Poetry Month after all. I started reading Claudia Emerson's Late Wife, a poetry collection that won the Pulitzer Prize. I also went to the library (oh yes) and checked out five books of poetry along with two books of short stories that I requested. Two of the other books I requested are already checked out! Apparently, I wasn't the only one who wanted them. 

I did five more purchase requests today, all poetry by Cathy Smith Bowers and Alan Michael Parker. Both were on my thesis committee, and both live in NC, so I hope the library will want to get their books. The poetry section could use some plumping. The library has ordered everything I've requested so far!

I'm writing with a pen from Leah: a Sparkle Pop black with red glitter. 

I also wrote a poem last night, "Friday Morning." I sent six poems to a magazine that published two of my poems many years ago. The submission took forever; a lot of the poems were in an old format, and I had to update them. This kind of work is a little cumbersome on my tiny Chromebook, but we don't have a regular laptop at home. Josh uses one from the college.

I've gotten into Voracious; it's really perfect for me. I need to finish it and Shadows in the next four days. I love reading recipes even though I probably could never follow most of them.

I did finish out the month with no depressed days, and I finished month three of NoBuy2022. Depending on our circumstances next year, I think I'll either do another NoBuy or, more likely, do a LowBuy with the following allowances:

• Two books per month (if I can't get them through the library)
• Classes, particularly writing
• Extra theatre tickets (beyond my DPAC season tickets...hopefully some local productions)
• Pens (as long as I have only one or two pens left in that color and style OR I see an outstanding sale--30% off or better)
• Two journals per month
• Two writing magazine subscriptions (if I'm doing better about reading my magazines and submitting my work)

So we'll see.

I did spend the morning with Josh, and I read to him from Reasons to Stay Alive. I ordered a few books for him, which I plan to read to him if he's still in his long reading slump. One is a memoir on running and writing, and the other two are poetry collections about teaching. I love sharing books with him.