32 Rhinestones: New Year's Day.

I have a chart. This chart has over 50 habits (most of them small) that I'd like to follow each day, tasks that my ideal self would complete daily. Some of these are basic (Floss once) while some are more involved (Pick up House) or lofty (Do Art). I use a highlighter (often pink glitter) to mark the tasks I've completed for the day. I started the chart last year, and the highest number I got was 37. Not very impressive. 

My mom is also working on some new habits. She read Atomic Habits, and she told me that the book suggested having a visual for each desired habit. Of course, I have the chart, but I liked Mom's idea: keeping a jar with her favorite buttons, one button per healthy choice or good habit. I decided to try that as an extra reinforcement, so I ordered a jar (plastic--not as cool but more Oliver-proof) and took out a great many rhinestones, little ones, in fuchsia, purple, pale pink, and pale green. I'm thinking I may use rhinestone stars for monthly or annual habits like staying within budget or reading the year's Best American volumes. Bruce told me that his word of the year is Habit, which fits nicely with my goals and Mom's goals as well as the word of the year Josh and I are sharing. Bruce wants to focus on holistic happiness. 

I haven't burst into passionate productivity in the new year. This is partly because my medication manager halved my dose of Ritalin (a stimulant) without my input. Before Ritalin, I slept all day, often in a deep depression. I had no energy, drive, or focus. My doctor put me on 20mg of Ritalin twice a day, and my life changed. Suddenly, I could take showers. I could do a load of laundry. I could pick up my son from school. I could unpack the boxes from our move. Apart from Geodon (which keeps the hallucinations away), Ritalin has had the greatest impact on my quality of life. And now, I have only 10mg twice a day. So, I'm sleeping. A lot. Yesterday, I slept until 10:30 and took about five hours' worth of naps. It's unsustainable. Yes, I've had mono, but with mono, I felt too ill to sleep. Now, I'm too flattened to stay awake. 

But enough complaining. New Year's Day was a great day. I didn't do as much as I'd hoped, but I had 32 highlights on my chart. I decided that for a good day, my minimum would be 30. I figure I should be able to follow more than half of the habits I want to maintain or build. But this week, that seems like a lot. My numbers have gone down almost every day, and the break is nearly over. 

Nonetheless, I dropped 32 fuchsia rhinestones in the plastic, half-gallon jar last Monday night. I think we should celebrate the good days especially, so I'll tell you about January 1. 

I woke up around 9 and stayed in bed for a few minutes. I had had a strange dream, but not a bad one. When I went downstairs, Josh told me to look in the fridge. I found a large McDonald's Dr. Pepper AND a Venti iced peppermint mocha, complete with chocolate shavings! Brilliant! I had ended the previous year and begun the current year wearing my black Strand hoodie. I started a new journal: Papier brand, blue with waves of stars. I wrote my morning pages (three pages, according to The Artist's Way) and kept going. I messaged an Irish Step Dance instructor about adult classes in Fayetteville. I don't really have the money or time for such an expensive, intense hobby, but it would be a fun way to exercise and be creative. I haven't heard anything from her. 

I opened the #19 ink from my Diamine Inkvent calendar. This was Cinnabun, a standard brown. I like brown inks because they feel old fashioned, like original walnut-shell inks. Josh had actually cleaned my green TWSBI stub pen for me, remembering the lessons I gave him one night recently, telling him all about fountain pens in an attempt to bring him into my world and bond with him. I read a little of Victoria Holiday Bliss, a special magazine. I'm not done with Christmas yet, and reading a magazine article in the morning is one of my daily habits. I wrote until 11:30 and then took a shower with philosophy Morning Maple 3-in-1 shampoo and Twisted Peppermint body wash. I put on navy fleece-lined leggings, a sports bra (less itchy on my winter-dry skin), my red beaded Twinkle Twinkle tee, and the Out of Print Read Your Socks Off socks Josh gave me for Christmas. He gave me several pairs of bookish socks, and I've been wearing a new pair each day. I dusted silver glitter on my face, neck, and hair. 

I was frustrated with myself because I forgot to eat breakfast on the first day of the year! Those fabulous beverages distracted me. But I went to Barnes and explored. I smelled a lovely candle called Dark Academia, but I'm not going to pay $28 for it. I didn't find any new magazines, so I bought a tomato caprise for lunch. I was so hungry by then that I ate half of it in the car. I only stayed at Barnes for 40 minutes or so, but it counted as my artist's date (also from The Artist's Way) for the week. I listened to The Electricity of Every Living Thing while I showered and while I drove. 

When I got home, Josh had cleaned the whole house! I had cleaned up the study, putting away books and gifts and gathering all my current projects into tote bags (Josh calls them house purses, and they bug him less than clutter on the floor and the ottomans). Oliver was watching videos, but he wasn't tense, and he actually watched full videos instead of rapid cycling. When he rapid video cycles, he'll watch the same string of 30+ videos and stop each at the same point, usually 10-60 seconds in, and then start the cycle over in the same order. It's bizarre, but I guess it's not so strange for an autistic person. The good-natured video time didn't last, but I tried to focus on the candles. The Snowflakes and Citrus candle had burned out, so I replaced it with White Winter Woods. 

Once the video cycling passed, we went back to the study. Josh gave me a shoulder rub before he got back to reading the poetry anthology What Saves Us. The Peppermint Sugar Cookie candle burned. I got up, turned on the audio book Gingerbread by Helen Oeyemi, opened a Wild Cherry Pepsi (I prefer Cherry Coke, but it's good in a pinch), and cooked corkscrew pasta with pesto, broccoli, and asparagus. 

After dinner, I opened ink #20, Astral. It's a chameleon ink that is black with green-gold glittrer--roaring '20s gorgeous! I definitely want to buy a full-sized bottle of Astral when it comes out next year. It reminds me of my doll Lunette (technically a witch, but I think of her as a sassy wingless sprite). Josh started his first book of the new year: Going South to Teach, about a woman (1800s?) leaving New York to teach in Raleigh. He's only reading books by non-males this year; this will be his 200th book by a woman. I need to make him a stack of poetry books. I chose two other books I'd like us to read (reread for me) together: Happiness for Two by Alexandra Stoddard and The Hidden Writer by Alexandra Johnson. The latter goes with my 2024 focus on journals, diaries, and books on journaling. I'll also be reading memoirs by and biographies of poets. 

I spent most of the first day of the year writing, which I think is a great way to welcome the new year. I rested with my heated blanket under me as my kidneys have been hurting and bleeding. I see my nephrologist on the 15th. I learned two new words for this winter:

Apricity: the warmth of sunlight in winter

Vellichor: the feeling of wistful romance one gets from the scent of old books

I finished the book Audrey by Megan Hess, my first book of the new year. And, honestly, it's the only book I've finished so far this year. Not a good start! But I read poems from Books and Libraries and wrote my word-of-the-year blog post. And I set my reading goal for the year: 100 books again. 

The rest of the week was very sleepy but included some great times. I'll write about them soon.

The Winter Solstice and Such.

On December 15, I finished my grading and turned in my grades. I finished my first semester back in teaching. I did it. Despite enormous personal and medical obstacles, I made it. But I didn't really celebrate that day or that weekend because the boys weren't done yet. 

On December 17, Sunday, I finally saw Bruce. We hadn't seen each other in over a month because I'd been so sick. But that afternoon, we met at Barnes, where he found me in among the journals. Bruce bought me a peppermint mocha frap; I hadn't had one in years. We talked for a long time in the cafe and then walked around. I had decided to buy magazines. I bought five, two of them Christmas themed. I planned to read a lot of magazines during the break. I also bought a tiny Penguin Modern book, Create Dangerously by Albert Camus. I thought Josh and I could read it, and then, I could keep it in my purse. My pocket copy of Writing Down the Bones doesn't fit in my current purse. I also spilled Shirley Temple on it, but that's okay. We found a couple of great-looking horror books that I wanted us to read together, and I tried to remember their titles. I ended up buying another slim book called The Art of Frugal Hedonism. It has no price mark. But spending less and enjoying everything more sounded good. I just figured I'd skip over the inevitable sections on marijuana. We inhaled the candles, so lovely and so expensive. And I pined for a $20 Paper Source silver and gold star garland, but I didn't buy it. I did buy a pair of holiday book socks because how could I not? I'd seen them online, and I looked for them specifically.

On December 19, I picked Oliver up just after noon. I had, just that morning, packed Christmas cards and $20 bills in Oliver's backpack for his teachers. I figured that they'd probably just want cash for gas or whatever more than any silly gift I could choose. Oliver was in good spirits, but I worried, knowing it would be a long time before he went back to school. We went home and hung out for a few hours, hoping Josh would get off early. I finished listening to Wintering by Katherine May, a book I discovered when I was very depressed in the winter of early 2021. I read it as an E-book and later bought the hardcover because it became one of my favorite books. I had recently used an Audible credit for the audio book as well, thinking I might enjoy rereading by listening. Josh had begun the E-book as we've finally figured out how to share our Kindle libraries. He's actually found several books to read among my books.

Josh did not get off early. We went to pick him up at 4. I had asked if we could go to Kohl's, where I had an order waiting: a set of pink and gray velour star pajamas. My grandmother used to buy me Christmas Eve pajamas every year when I was a child, and it became one of my favorite holiday traditions along with complicated gifts in stockings (no candy canes for our family). Josh ran in and grabbed my PJs, and then, we went to Barnes. I was glad to be back so soon. Josh got me an iced peppermint mocha, got Oliver a giant chocolate chip cookie, and got himself a Diet Coke. While he was doing that, I went back to the gift displays. I was delighted to find that much of the holiday decor (alas, none of the pretty Christmas books) was on sale, 50% off! I picked up the now-$10 star garland and a now-$7 mini tin Woodfire candle. I brought these back to the table along with a running book for Josh to peruse. I found that he had gotten me a slice of cheesecake as well! So, we had a little party there in the cafe, and I decided that I really must get to bookstores much more often. That evening, Josh pinned the star garland above my Cinderella display. It will stay up all year. I decided that day that I would have an iced peppermint mocha every day until Christmas.

Just two days later came the winter solstice. A whole chapter of Wintering is devoted to the winter solstice, primarily to pagan rituals and celebrations. May actually went to Stonehenge to see the sun rise! I am not a pagan, but the frequent Druid festivals do appeal to me. So, what did I do? First of all, Josh made his excellent banana walnut chocolate chip muffins. At some point, I had my iced peppermint mocha. The best places add chocolate shavings to the whipped cream. 

I set aside my Diamine Inkvent calendar (one of the coolest creations ever) and fountain pens after I finished my Italian celestial journal. I found a journal that I stickered perhaps two years ago as a special Christmas journal...lots of snowflakes, trees, presents, and even Christmas fairies inside. I forgot to use it last year. But I started it on the solstice, a Compoco journal in deep blues and gold with an hour glass, a tiny sail boat moving toward a rising sun, and the words Time to Wander. I thought it was a perfect journal for the end of the year. I started it with a Pentel Hybrid Dual Metallic pen, silver with light green glitter. It made me think of icecaps. 

I wore my purple hoodie and my favorite black star coatigan, which was extra soft as I'd just washed it. It's a little ratty already (I got it last year), but I love it anyway. Josh took Oliver to the trampoline park, and while they were out, I watched Little Women, another Christmas tradition I have decided to establish. This year, it was the Greta Gerwig version, in part because Bruce was going to take me to see Wonka. I automatically loved Timothee Chalamet because he was Laurie! That version is not linear, so it doesn't have as much of a Christmas feeling as the Winona Ryder or BBC films do. Still, I was happy to rewatch it. I think Mom and I saw it on Christmas Day the year it came out. I'm always happy to rewatch a Little Women or a Jane Eyre. In fact, I asked Bruce to watch the BBC's Little Women earlier this year. 

The Pumpkin Vanilla Creme candle in the living room burned out, so I replaced it with a 'Tis the Season candle, which has a good bit of cinnamon scent, my favorite. The candle in the study burned out too (Merry Cookie), so I replaced it with a Holiday candle, which has an even stronger cinnamon scent. The Vanilla Bean Noel candle continued to burn in the foyer. 

When the boys got home, we drove to Arnette Park to see the Christmas Town light display. The whole enterprise took over an hour, and it's something I'm satisfied to do just once. But it was pretty impressive, massive arches of lights, twinkling trees, and so many animated characters. We listened to our Christmas playlist, which includes each of our favorites (Aaron Neville and Michael Crawford for me) and the James Taylor album we discovered together. Oliver didn't seem to mind the outing, but he was very sleepy when we got home. 

When the boys went to bed, I chose and decorated my Christmas journal for next year! It is a purple Papier journal (fountain pen friendly) with stars, my name, and Stardust Wishes on the cover. Papier journals are expensive (about $30), but they're personalized. I try to buy a few each year if I can. 

After that, I took a hot Twisted Peppermint bubble bath (yes, I have kept Bath & Body Works in business). It wasn't a perfect day. I felt enormous sadness at one point, and I cried more than I ever have in front of Josh. But unlike my recent mixed episode (see the sister blog, Water in a Wineglass), my emotions that day felt like a variety of healthy, genuine feelings. That was refreshing. I stayed up late writing, but it wasn't compulsive...I just felt like writing into the night.

The next day, Bruce and Corey took me to see Wonka. It was pretty great. I had popcorn with far too much butter (the employee really lay on the dispenser). I had an unpleasant moment when a man ran into me and groped me, and that shook me. But I was determined not to let it ruin touch, public spaces, or crowds for me. So, I hugged the guys goodbye, and instead of going home, I drove to Barnes. Yes, again. I got myself coffee and a caprese sandwich, which I brought home. But I made myself look at the journals again before I left, just to ground myself in what I love. 

I had expected that we wouldn't be able to see family for Christmas because of my continued illness, but we went to Charlotte anyway. And though I caught another cold (I was just getting over one), it was a good time. And Josh got me an iced peppermint mocha on Christmas Eve, right before the Starbucks closed. 

Nourish/Challenge: Week 40.

Last week, I lost 1 pound. Not much, but I didn't gain! I've doing single circuit walks around the apartment complex. My ankle and foot are tolerating it well enough. I may move up to two rounds.

Oliver's two ABA therapists came over on Tuesday, and oddly enough, I had a great time. I think I was talking too much--pressured speech with racing thoughts, probably, But I calmed down.

I've been using sheet masks. They are so fun and easy to use (though a bit slimy). My skin needs some serious help.

And it may actually be fall when we move from thinking to doing. We'll see. I'm excited about bringing out my sweaters and cardigans. Maybe I'll wear boots. I'll probably wear more jewelry. I'll work my way toward winter.