Stillness & Attention: Week 30.

Day 1: Saturday. I didn't wake up until 7:30! When I came downstairs, Josh was working out. I settled on my loveseat and read magazines. When Oliver woke up, Josh kindly took over the morning routine, so I read some more. Then, I cleaned and organized the top of my desk. Once again, it will still look cluttered to most people--I should have taken a before photo. But we got a bouquet of pink and purple flowers at the grocery store. 

We got a few more hoarding items: another 2.5 gallons of water, some more beans, canned tomatoes, brown sugar, and a canister of oatmeal. And more Gatorade--the store did have some! We also got blueberries, strawberries, grapes, and oranges as we're trying to eat more fruit. I got everything to make pasta salad soon. 

Today, the heat index was 105. We spent two hours at the splash pad. I applied and reapplied a lot of sunscreen, and I put blue glitter drops in it just because I felt like sparkling. I read a little more of Joyful to Josh though I don't think he's very interested. Josh and I each got in the water (lukewarm) to cool off. It helped for a few minutes. I had the idea to offer ice cream to Oliver, and it worked! So we went to Cold Stone Creamery. Oliver ate vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips. I had a small vanilla shake; I'd forgotten how delicious those were. 

We took showers, and I put on my favorite purple-striped pajamas. I've been writing with Van Dieman's Underwater Parrot Fish ink today. The photo doesn't show the blue shimmer well. It's similar to Diamine's Inkvent Blue Peppermint; they're two of my favorites.

I did twenty-five minutes of yoga in our room, and I felt better for it. I placed another purchase request with the library for a somewhat obscure collection of short stories. I've made four or five requests that are not yet on order, but the library has eventually ordered my requests every time in the past.

Day 2: Sunday. Today, I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Aurora Australis, a shimmering burgundy. 

Oliver woke up at 2 this morning. Josh got him to stay in our bed until 4. I got up at 6 so Josh could go on his run. I settled in on the loveseat to read magazines. Oliver looked exhausted. I asked if he wanted to sit down, and he snuggled down beside me and fell asleep. We stayed that way until Josh got back (except for a quick bathroom break as I did not want Oliver to wet my loveseat). That's my secretary desk with jewel drawer pulls, my dotted bin full of library books, my stack of books waiting to go to 2nd & Charles, and my bookcase with short story collections and my pens. The two pink boxes contain rubber stamps, and the Ziplocs hold empty pens I'm sending to Terracycle. It's a cluttered corner, but I love everything in it. The study is becoming my favorite room.

When Josh got home, he built the little pink bookcase. It is indeed quite cheap (the back piece broke, so we left it off), but it is a pretty color. It has room for more books than my cabinet did, so I don't have to be so selective! Silver lining. I'll add more favorites soon. 

I've finished two books today, Unless It Moves the Human Heart and Kaleidoscope. Human Heart was brief and quite good. Kaleidoscope was a series of connected tales. I read it aloud to the boys. I'm counting it as my second short story collection. It was rather sad, especially for a young readers book, but I liked it. I gave both books four stars. I think Bruce would like Kaleidoscope. Actually, I think he'd like both books. Maybe for Christmas, we could give each other books we think the other ought to read. I doubt we'll be done with our birthday books yet since we've only read one!

I'd like to own all of Ada Limon's books. I do own Sharks in the Rivers and The Carrying. I've been on the holds list for The Hurting Kind for more than a month. I wish I could just buy it. I have Bright Dead Things checked out, but I'd like to have it in my home library. I've requested that the library purchase Lucky Wreck and This Big Fake World--no library in the Cardinal system has them! I'm hoping the library will buy them since she is now the US Poet Laureate. I'm excited that the USPL was already a favorite of mine! Well, eventually, I'll own all of her books.

Josh will have a late day on Friday because of the end-of-program party and clean-up. I hope I'll still get to make a quick trip to the library before it closes. 

We decided to say no to going to the park or splash pad today. It's even hotter than it was yesterday. Oliver seems to accept it and doesn't want to play outside. I decided to cancel the next three OT appointments. Getting myself and Oliver ready and out the door for OT alone is just too hard when he tends to melt down. In a few weeks, Josh should be able to take him, or we can take him together. I feel enormous relief over this decision. If we end up losing our spot, I won't be terribly concerned as we've considered discontinuing OT anyway. But his therapist thinks it will work out.  Josh and I cuddled on the crash pad for a little while. Oliver doesn't seem to mind our doing that. I plan to read A Knot in the Grain and Other Stories to the boys next. It's by my dear Robin McKinley, and it's another short story collection! 

Day 3: Monday. I did almost everything I wanted to do last night. I finished Bright Dead Things (three books for the day and five books for the week! I'm actually on track!), did the dishes, did twenty-six minutes of yoga, listened to The Testaments while I did yoga, took a shower, and read a story for the magazine. 

Today, I woke up before 6. Oliver hadn't woken up at all yet (he slept through the night!), and Josh was still asleep. I thought about going to the study, but I decided to go back to sleep for about an hour. I came downstairs, and Oliver was in the bath. Josh was working out in the bathroom. Josh went up to get ready, and I finished Oliver's morning routine. After Josh left for work, I managed a bit of a nap in the study (oh yes) while Oliver snacked, and I read a few magazine articles, which made me feel good about the day. I'm nearly done with the spring issue of Bella Grace. 

Bruce and I probably won't see each other for a couple of weeks. This week, Josh was his party. Next week, Bruce's family is visiting. But we should see each other the next week. And for the week after that...I bought tickets for us to see the summer teen production of Into the Woods at Cape Fear Regional Theatre! Is that breaking NoBuy? I'm thinking not because it's a gift to Bruce, it's an experience, and it's supporting local arts. You decide. I'm allowing it. CFRT is literally down the street from me, and I've lived within fifteen minutes of it for almost eleven years...yet I've never attended a show there. I will finally remedy that. I'm quite excited. And I'm determined that next season, we will go there to see Matilda. We had tickets to Matilda at DPAC but couldn't go for some reason, so we'll make up for that. 

I started reading The Writer's Library, a book I've been excited to read for weeks. Yes, it's late, and I need to return it on Friday. Oddly enough, I've only heard of a few of the writers the book features. But already, I've added quite a few books to my TBR list and my NoBuy list. I'll be checking the library eventually. I'm interested in the writers doing the interviews and in the writers they discuss. The first writer, Jonathan Lethem, is into sci-fi, so that's quite interesting. I really need to read more Philip K. Dick. Okay, I spent 99 cents on a Kindle collection of PKD's short stories. I may have also spent $1.99 on a memoir, Making Toast, by Roger Rosenblatt, the author of Unless It Moves the Human Heart. Yes, I could have checked the library. These were little cheats. They were cheap and quick impulse buys. But! I figure I can make up for it by using Amazon points for something we need instead of something I want. I'll do that. But one of the major reasons I'm doing NoBuy2022 is to learn how to wait. I need to remember that. That's part of stillness and attention. 

Speaking of waiting, I'm trying not to place any new holds for a while. I have so many books to read. I have books on my NoBuy list, books on my GoodReads to-read list, and books in my phone's photos. They're not going to disappear. One new hold is ready: a collection of Catherynne M. Valente's poetry. That's sure to be fascinating, and I always want to be in the middle of a book of poems. I'll check out those Alan Michael Parker books I don't have on Friday. I made an exciting discovery the other night: I own a Carmen Jimenez Smith book I haven't read! She's one of my favorite poets. I started the book, The City She Was, today. 

I did nap in my chair earlier. I've been very sleepy and hungry today, and I've had a headache. Edit: I realized later that I've cut out caffeine, which explains how I've been feeling. 

I haven't read enough today. I did catch up on some blogging; I've been terribly behind. I was relieved to realize that I'm not as behind on reading for the magazine as I thought I was. Suddenly, my arms are peeling from that sunburn a week ago. 

I never changed my calendar to July. I want to see the new Kinuko Y. Craft art. I did do the dishes, wash my hair, write in my journal, and clean out a container on Josh's desk today. I'm still trying to beautify the study. I've put up a couple more pretty things: two antique postcards and a sheet of blue cardstock on which Bruce and I wrote water-related words in blue and green marker at work back when I was obsessed with water (lithium will do that to you). 

Day 4: Tuesday. No OT today! Thank goodness. I just finished the spring issue of Bella Grace. I also read an article from Oh Reader and found another book I want to read. I can't wait to subscribe to the magazine. I want to subscribe to one other magazine next year...In Her Studio? Poets & Writers? Where Women Create? I'll look at some issues when I next go to Barnes. 

Oliver woke up around 2. Around 3, he was in our bed, taking up my space. So I moved to his bed. At some point, Josh got in Oliver's bed with me. Oliver slept past 9, so I had a nice morning. He had quite an accident, but his Good Nite saved our bed. After I bathed Oliver, I did a little yoga in the bathroom. I'll do a full session later.

The year is passing rather quickly. I'm relieved that the summer is moving quickly. I'm a little nervous about the new school year...will Oliver have the same teacher? Will he adjust easily? He asked for cookies today, and I took the opportunity to do a summer worksheet with him and then give him the cookies. If I do that every weekday, we should finish the packet in time. Yes, he eats cookies every day if we have them. I'm not sure what I'll use when we're out of cookies. He is crazy about nabs right now. He was barely aware of the worksheet, and it was all hand-over-hand, but at least he wasn't resistant. I did get him to say some of the alphabet. I keep telling myself that most of the people at school will already know and like Oliver, and he'll already know the place and most of the people. No one will expect him to be perfect. He's continued to do better with getting dressed: getting his feet into the two legs of his underwear and shorts, getting his shirt on front-side-front. I still have to hold everything out for him and orient it, but I didn't think he'd get this far. 

My friend at the organization for which I'm on the board of directors called me. We talked about some ideas for an upcoming event. I really like her. I thought more about the ideas later, and I really want to connect the organization (which serves adults with disabilities) with Oliver's school. They could really serve each other. So I texted my friend and sent a couple of E-mails to the school admin. I hope that works out. Josh had an orientation shift during the fun run event in a couple of weeks, but he was able to switch shifts, so we'll all be able to go for most of it. 

I've done very little reading today, alas. But I did catch up on blogging. I need to read for the magazine before I read anything else, and I need to do yoga. I can feel the tension creeping through me when I don't do yoga. I'm already hoping for a quiet morning tomorrow. I hope to do more reading and more organizing tomorrow too. 

Day 5: Wednesday. I didn't do everything I wanted to do today. I didn't put away laundry, do much reading, or work on organizing (the surface of) Josh's desk. I did, however, make pasta salad, unload the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, run a load of laundry, read a few magazine articles, read a bit from my library books, write enough, and do yoga. Most notably, I went through all my stickers and my craft drawers in the closet, cleaned out and reorganized my jam-packed-for-years craft trunk, threw away a ton of damaged or old supplies, found art to put up, and put together a giant donation box of craft supplies that someone picked up in the evening. I also went through all my stationery and put together a stationery donation box I plan to post tomorrow. 

I put up a piece of Josephine Wall art and a piece of Susan Branch art (from calendars--I save all my calendars but went through them today and only kept the pages I want) in the study--still trying to beautify the room as much as I can. I also pinned up a self-portrait I painted when I was sixteen; I found it in that trunk! The watercolor shows no talent, but I still like it. 

Oliver slept until 10, so I had a very nice morning to myself. I found some old ballons in my trunk. I blew up a tiny one, Josh blew up a bigger one during his lunch break, and Oliver and I played with them. Oliver seemed content to hang around or lounge in the bath while I worked on my projects. He usually seems happily if I'm in the middle of something active rather than sitting still reading or scribbling.

I've had a good couple of days, productive and happy.

Day 6: Thursday. Oliver did not sleep in today. We were all up at 5. Josh went for his run while Oliver and I did the morning routine. I was freezing, so I left the door to the bathroom open and curled under two blankets on the guest bed until Oliver said, "You [I] wanna get out [of the bath]." Then, while he snacked and played with his sheet protector (I just gave him the last fresh one we have--oh dear...I ordered more, but they won't be here until late on Friday), I wrote my to-do list (ambitious), scribbled, and read magazines. I finished the summer issue of Oh Reader! I watered my flowers, which are still doing pretty well. 

I refilled my pen with Van Dieman's Underwater Sea Shell ink, which is a lovely shimmering peachy orange, but some of the turquoise Parrot Fish ink remained. The result was a beautiful sea green with lavender shimmer. Unfortunately, though, the pen clogged and stopped writing. I need to do better about cleaning my pens. I ordered a bottle of Monteverde pen flush, which I consider a necessity as three or four of my pens have stopped writing. Again, yes, I need to do better about cleaning my pens between fills. The color was quite pretty though.

Ah, yes--before I did that, I noticed that, in sunlight, Aurora Australis has a bit of green sheen! I think I caught it in this photo. Those darker bits are green. Gorgeous. This swatch shows it better. 

The same girl who got the craft supplies is picking up the stationery. She'll know my house well. 

The OT order got approved, so that bill is covered! The school supply bill did not get covered, so I spent time reordering all of that. It turned out to be about $150 as I predicted, not counting housekeeping items like bleach wipes that we'll get later. I got Oliver Twistable crayons in addition to regular ones--I thought the plastic barrels might be less of a sensory annoyance. I also looked at lamps. We're going to need a third lamp in the living room when it starts to get dark earlier. I found one that takes five bulbs and has no other glass. We can anchor it behind the teal table, where Oliver will be less likely to tip it. 

I spent more time on The Writer's Library, which I'll try to finish tomorrow. 

Day 7: Friday. I'm really feeling pretty grand. I woke up a little before 5. Josh got paid today! He got paid more than I expected, so I paid down some debt, and we have some money in savings and some money in checking! We haven't been there for a while. I wrote the check to CFNC, and Josh signed it. I put it in the mail; we've paid off his undergraduate student loans. 

I did do yoga and listen to The Testaments last night. Now, it's 11:09, and I'm not even halfway through The Writer's Library. So I won't finish and return it today. I skipped reading magazines this morning. The book is quite good, and I'm constantly looking up titles that I want to read. 

I started another load of dark laundry. I wrote a poem called "Dark Laundry" not long ago. I loaded and ran the dishwasher.

I wrote down quotations from Unless It Moves the Human Heart, so it's ready to go back to the library. I put up three of my old (teenage years) collages in the study. I'm amazed at how well they've held up! I taped a few spots. Josh has a lot of pennants and hats up on that side, so I'm answering that with my own colorful busyness. I want the study to be a room for creative thought and creative absorption. I'd like to make more collages. 

I've never thoughts about space this much before, not since I was unpacking the house. Oh, I hope we don't have to move for years and years. I've cleaned out my purses and bags. I took out several shopping bags to put in the car. I took out a purse and a few tote bags and posted them on the BuyNothing group. That same girl came back again! Just one bag remains. 

Oh dear. Oliver wet our bed, and he got the duvet. Much laundry is ahead of me.

Stillness & Attention: Week 29.

Day 1: Saturday. I finally finished The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter. Bizarre and good. Long! The second book, which I've checked out, is much longer. So I've now read two books this week. I've (barely) started Plenty (a memoir that is already late) and Smoke: Poems by Dorianne Laux. As usual, I'm quite behind on library books. I'm writing with Diamine Mystique today. 

We got groceries this morning. I bought green apples and caramel sauce to try to sneak some more nutrition into Oliver's diet. He's not going for it. Josh and I like them though. We bought a few more hoarding items: sticks of butter for the freezer, syrup (the pancake mix came), 2.5 gallons of water, shell pasta and Velveeta sauce, and a lot more Gatorade Zero. Amazon doesn't have the Gatorade mix right now, and I don't know how we'd get Oliver to drink anything else.

The thunder is loud. We sat in the study for a while and watched the rain. I read a tale from Kaleidoscope and started a second before Oliver wanted to watch a video. He hasn't had an accident so far today. He also didn't wet his bed or ours. I ended up sleeping in Oliver's bed with Josh from 4:30 to 6:30 this morning--musical beds. I came downstairs and settled on my loveseat. Josh soon came down, sat with me a while, and then worked out. I read a couple of articles from Bella Grace. I want to spend some time reading beautiful magazines in the study each morning. That seems like a great way to start the day. 

I did yoga and read a dragon story for the magazine. The stories are really flowing in steadily. I wrote down my gratitude list for today and turned it into a poem. 

Day 2: Sunday. Today, Josh said, "When you're in a good mood, I can handle things. When you're not, I'm pretty much destroyed." 

I slept fitfully but managed until 6. I went down to my loveseat and did nothing. Josh came down at 7 to sit with me. Oliver came down at 8. Josh went to run, so I took care of Oliver's morning routine. I read a couple of articles from Oh Reader. I look forward to subscribing to the magazine next year. I'm writing today with Diamine Lilac Satin ink.

My Pipsticks stickers came! They're mostly travel-themed. I probably won't do much more traveling in my life, but I do have memories of some wonderful trips. We are going on a little weekend trip to Asheville next month for Josh's half-marathon! I'm really looking forward to that since we're not getting a weekend off this month. 

I made a big batch of vegetable fried rice with brown rice, riced cauliflower, carrots, broccoli, sugar snap peas, sweet peas, fire-roasted corn, baby corn, and red peppers. I ate, and I cleaned up the kitchen. 

Well, we ended up at the splash pad for four hours. We all got burned despite sunscreen. The latter two hours were pretty miserable. We only got Oliver to hydrate a little because the ice cream truck came and we got him a Popsicle. I did read a good forty pages of Joyful to Josh. He says most of it, like the aesthetics of energy and abundance, don't apply to him. Hmm. 

I've continued reading for the magazine, and the stories have continued to roll in. I seem to be the only second reader rating them right now; where is everyone? We changed our sheets, so that will be nice tonight. And my fuzzy pink (alas, more mauve than they appeared) pillows with silver stars and snowflakes arrived as did my turquoise and gold marbled tray.

Day 3: Monday. July 18. More than halfway through the month. I'm sitting in the sunshine of the study, curled up on my pink velvet loveseat with one foot on my teal velvet ottoman. I just finished reading a few articles from Oh Reader and Bella Grace. Some of the TBR books are on my list. I'd like to finish at least a couple of good magazines this month. 

This morning, I woke around 6. Josh was down here working out. I ended up sleeping for another forty-five minutes. I'm nervous about Oliver's blood work today. He didn't have any accidents over the weekend despite the four hours at the splash pad. 

I've only read one collection of short stories this month...definitely not up to my goal. I'll have to be more focused in August and September. It will get easier because more of my library books will be collections. Right now, I'm just so behind. I'll return as many books as I can on Friday. I gave up on Plenty and 13 Stories last week--I'll get back to them. 

I see big trees with puffs of white blossoms. I wonder what they are. The gray ottoman came and is now under the coats. Our new body pillow arrived, and it is so nice. I moved the old one to Oliver's crash pad. 

This is the last full week of the program Josh is coordinating. Next week, he'll mostly be wrapping up, making reports, giving presentations, and planning a celebration. He thinks he'll do this again next summer. I have mixed feelings, but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it might be. Next summer, we can pay down some more debt, build up savings, and buy a new dresser. If the summer job continues, we can eventually buy a second car...though Josh does like having only one car. 

I'm thinking about bringing some of my snowflake ornaments back out. I've loved snowflakes since I was twelve, all year. People have given me snowflake ornaments, pajamas, blankets, and other objects as gifts. I used to hang snowflakes all over my house. 

Oliver slept until 9:30--how kind! While he was in the bath, I took almost everything out of my makeup bag. I put in some favorite lipsticks and glosses. I want to create a grab-in-case-of-fire bag of my favorite makeup. I found a Hard Candy palette I'd completely forgotten. I want to have all my basics in there too, including back-up foundation, eye shadow primer, and mascara. 

Well, I got through quite a project today. I cleaned out and reorganized all my makeup. I got all my favorite and essential makeup (with extras) into my makeup bag, and I can actually see what's in the bag. I threw away old makeup and makeup that I've sampled but probably won't ever use. I organized all my palettes vertically so I can see them. I cleaned out and organized my backstock bin--everything in labeled Ziplocs. I put together a box of unused makeup that I wasn't going to use and posted it on the local BuyNothing group--someone picked it up within thirty minutes. Now, someone gets to enjoy that great makeup! Next stop: skincare. I used to have makeup subscriptions, so I have a lot of products I didn't choose. 

I read two more stories for the magazine. 

I gave Oliver two clonidine over an hour before his appointment for blood work. He was sleepy but definitely not sedated enough. We restrained him and managed a finger stick. Glucose and hemoglobin are normal. Back at home, he took a bath and a nap. I lay down with him for a while and then finished my makeup project. 

I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Shooting Star ink today. It's dark blue with red sheen and gold shimmer.

Day 4: Tuesday. Today was a nightmare. Oliver had a massive meltdown. The day started poorly. I didn't get any time to myself in the morning because Oliver had a nightmare while Josh was out running. I had just come downstairs when I heard Oliver screaming, "Daddy!" I ran upstairs and tried to comfort Oliver, but he was inconsolable. He kept asking for Josh, apparently having lost him in a dream and being unable to shake the nightmare. I called Josh, thinking his voice might help. But Josh ended up coming home. After seeing Josh, Oliver calmed down and took a bath. Josh managed to finish his run. We took Josh to work as Oliver had OT in the afternoon. Oliver insisted on a second bath. He woke Josh up at 2 a.m. Our lives are kind of ridiculous. 

I didn't do yoga. I didn't read--at all, not even for the magazine. I didn't write five pages or read aloud or read poems. Just before I needed to get ready for OT, Oliver wanted to watch a fuel tanker song video--which doesn't exist. A meltdown of one to two hours followed. He broke the router, threw down a small shelf of magazines, trashed a lamp, broke the porcelain violets bowl my dad gave my mom while they were dating, pulled down five pieces of art, broke two frames, broke one sheet of glass, dumped all my makeup brushes, poured milk on the floor, threw a half-full diet soda can across the kitchen, spilled another liquid I didn't even identify, threw items off a bookshelf, and destroyed my pretty little favorite books cabinet. I barely managed to clean up the glass and the milk. He was so quick. He screamed most of the time. Our Internet, of course, went out, so I couldn't play any of the videos he demanded on his tablet. He yanked on my clothes and hands but didn't actually hurt me. I gave him two clonidine, but it's too slow-acting to be helpful. 

Of course, I had had to ask Josh to call Oliver's therapist and cancel our appointment. Josh said we could pick him up for an hour, but Oliver didn't warm to this idea for some time. When he started to come out of his rage, he looked around the ransacked guest room and said, "What did you do?"

I said, "You broke a lot of things."

We picked up Josh, who fixed the router and tried to clean up. I sat on the couch, staring at nothing. Oliver had a good snack. We declined giving him ice cream. I felt completely disconnected from myself and my life. Nothing seemed to matter. I was dissociated. Numb. Josh went back to work. I don't know what I did. Eventually, I got Oliver ready for bed.

I did do one good thing before the day got so bad. I rearranged my nonfiction bookcase, which I see from my loveseat, in rainbow order. It looks much prettier.

Day 5: Wednesday. Last night, I took a shower and then immediately took a bath, but the hot water hurt my sunburned arms. Josh came to our room after Oliver was asleep, and Josh gave me back tickles. I tried to focus on his touch. I couldn't read for myself or for the magazine. I felt totally disconnected from myself. But tickles, Xanax, and melatonin helped me go to sleep.

I woke up at 4 a.m. to Oliver spreading out on our bed. Josh wasn't in bed, so I went to look for him. He was asleep in Oliver's bed. LOL. So I crawled into Oliver's bed with Josh and slept for another two hours. When I woke up, Josh was downstairs working out. I thought I might get some quiet time to talk to Josh or read a magazine before Oliver woke up, but he got up immediately after I did. So I gave him his morning relaxation bath and got him ready for the day. 

I tried to spend time in my study, but Oliver kept asking for another bath. The thought of sitting in the freezing bathroom for another forty-five minutes was almost unbearable, but he did take a second bath before 9:30 a.m. I went back to my loveseat after the bath and the redressing process. Oliver stood still, staring at me, for thirty minutes while I tried to write. So I asked him to sit down, covered him with a blanket, and read aloud Dorianne Laux poems from Smoke until my mother called to check on me. As I'd told Bruce, I told her that yes, I must be feeling better because I felt unhappy rather than dissociated. 

The day passed fairly quickly. I cleaned out my bin of skincare products and posted on the local BuyNothing group a photo of a box of moisturizers, masks, and serums that I'm just not going to use. Someone picked it up within fifteen minutes. I wrote some more and tried to catch up on blogging from last week. Josh came home briefly for lunch, and I sat with his legs across my lap on the couch. We both felt like napping. Oliver continued to ask for a bath, but somehow, when Josh says no, he stops. When I say no, he asks over and over again until I'm about to lose my mind. I say exactly what Josh says, but it doesn't work. 

When Josh got home, I gave Oliver his actual bath (with bathing) and got him ready for bed. We realized that we'd forgotten to give him his night meds, so the night extended. Someone knocked on the door, and Josh answered to find a delivery guy with an Edible Arrangement addressed to us. It was from "a friend," and the note wished us a better day. I appreciated the acknowledgement and kindness. I also appreciated the chocolate-covered strawberries while Josh ate a pineapple flower. I hope we might convince Oliver to eat some cantaloupe or honeydew, but that's unlikely. It's good timing because I decided today that I'm going to try to eat more fruit even though I'm watching calories. 

Day 6: Thursday. Starting with Sunday's sunbake, this hasn't been an easy week. But Oliver slept in a bit today, so I got some quiet morning time. He also did a little better with getting dressed; maybe he's starting to get that. I haven't finished any books this calendar week. 

Day 7: Friday. Last night, I read from about 7 to 9 and finally caught up on reading for the magazine. This morning, I slept a little on my loveseat and then did nothing for a while (dolce far niente). I read two articles from Bella Grace and two articles from Oh Reader. I'm working on a donation box of craft and stationery supplies. 

I found a small pink bookcase on sale for $36 and ordered it to replace the book cabinet Oliver wrecked. It'll be cheap, but I won't be too upset if Oliver breaks it. And it's pink. I found a revolving bookcase that I'd really like to get next year. 

I made a stack of priority library books: books that are or will soon be late and books that someone is likely to put on hold. Then, I finished reading Smoke (poems) and read the graphic novel The Call of Cthulhu. So I've finished two books today! I started Unless It Moves the Human Heart, a book on writing and teaching. And I wrote "Lightning Bug," my first real love poem to Oliver. I'm happy with it. Josh said it captures what it's like to be Oliver's parent. 

I went to the library, returned some books, and picked up holds. I need to read about five books a week as that's how many I'm checking out! I listened to The Graveyard Book in the car. Bruce and I spent a couple of hours at Barnes, which is in the middle of major renovation. Records are in the cafe. Sections are broken up and moved. Books are double-stacked in rented crates. I feel bad for the booksellers trying to find anything. But exploring the changed bookstore was fun. We spent a lot of time in poetry and lit crit. I took photos of a lot of books I want to check for at the library.

Stillness & Attention: Week 28.

Day 1: Saturday. Yesterday, I took a two-hour nap in my chair. I probably needed it. I finished West Wind by Mary Oliver and Wild Swims, short stories by Dorthe Nors. I did go to the library and pick up holds. Bruce came over, and we talked for almost three hours. 

Today, I got to sleep until 7, which was pretty exciting. I started and finished A Thousand Mornings: Poems by Mary Oliver. I've read three stories for the magazine today, and I still have one waiting. They've been coming in steadily. 

We got groceries today. I got some stock-up items to make my mom feel better (she thinks we need to hoard food): pasta, pasta sauce, rice, and beans. I don't know what Oliver would eat if we didn't have his staples.

Oliver had a bit of a meltdown today. He said he wanted to "watch a picture of a helicopter." We couldn't figure out what he meant. We tried videos of helicopters and even videos of people drawing helicopters. He roared and pitched his tablet but got over it and went outside after a little while. 

I haven't sent out a submission in over thirty days. I still have 114 pieces out. When Oliver returns to school, will I be more focused? Am I really just surviving the summer? 

My mood went downhill when one of my crowns came out. That's the second in the last couple of months. I really wanted to be done with the dentist for a while, and I don't know when I'll get a chance to go get this crown fixed. Josh asked me for a cuddle on Oliver's crash pad.

Day 2: Sunday. I've now read six books this month, which is pretty good. I started Some Things I Still Can't Tell You: Poems by Misha Collins yesterday. It's not really my kind of poetry, but I'm trying to read all kinds. 

I got up just before 7 and expected Josh to have left for his run. He hadn't, though, so he suggested we cuddle in the guest bed while Oliver sleeps on in our bed (where he ended up at some point in the night). Josh and I took a lovely hour-long nap. Last night, I tried taking melatonin with Xanax instead of ibuprofen p.m., and it seems to have worked well. I'm thankful that Oliver slept in this morning. I don't know what to do about Oliver's sleeping in our bed and needing Josh to put him to bed every night. At least one of us ends up sleeping elsewhere. It's going to get weirder and more impractical as Oliver gets older, but he has no consciousness of that.

I did a little Pinterest exploring and showed Josh a couple of my boards. I should look at them more myself. 

I need to go back to timed reading sessions to get through some of these library books. I have to structure myself to achieve that stillness and attention. I look forward to choosing my nonfiction books for fall; most of them will come from my own collection. I've still only finished one book of short stories this summer, so I have a lot of work to do. 

At the moment, I don't feel hurt, bitterness, anxiety, anger, or fear. I feel calm gratitude. I've started The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter, and I'm enjoying it so far. It's a speculative mystery that combines a lot of literary characters (or their daughters), including Dr. Jekyll, Frankenstein, Dr. Moreau, and Sherlock Holmes. 

I've got a touch of the Sunday night blues. Oliver had another accident today. These two three-day weekends have felt too short. 

Day 3: Monday. I have a lot of blank journals in the wardrobe in the guest room. I'm thinking about reorganizing them by brand and type (meaning whether or not I can write in them with fountain pens). That would be fun. The wardrobe also holds my jewelry (all costume), books from which I need to write down quotations, my sticker binders, sweaters, and magazines. 

I've picked out some throw pillow covers for my new loveseat. I also got an ottoman and tray. I'm still well under our furniture budget for this year, and I was able to do interest-free payments. The loveseat will arrive next week. I want the study to be my morning room where I read magazines and ease into the day. If that bothers Oliver, I'll just start when he goes to school. The gray fabric slipper chair I ordered for the bathroom arrived yesterday. I don't know when Josh will be able to build it, but I look forward to having a place to sit during Oliver's long baths. 

The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter is pretty funky, but I'm enjoying it. It's showing me that I can still do focused reading and get a mood boost from it. I'm dragging on 13 Stories and 13 Epitaphs. The first story has no quotation marks and no paragraph breaks. It's already late, so I may just return it and devote more time to it later. Eventually, the majority of my library books will be story collections, so I'll be more focused. I have so many other books to read. I did finish a journal today. I started a Peter Pauper Press journal that has the design for a French edition of the Song of Songs. 

Mom said she may keep Oliver this weekend, and I'm trying not to get excited about the thought. It'd be great timing since Josh's summer grades are due at the beginning of next week. 

My mouth hurts. I managed to get a dentist appointment this afternoon, and Josh is going to take a late lunch hour so I can go. I've got to wear pretty shoes--staff comes to see my shoes at the dentist; it's a thing. I'm thinking sea-green glitter shoes. 

Day 4: Tuesday. I got the crown put back in, but my jaw is off-balance now, which makes eating difficult. 

Bruce is listening to The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman, which apparently has a full cast. I think one of my goals is to read half or more of his books, so I placed a hold on the audio book too. My discman arrived, so I can listen to The Testaments at home and The Graveyard Book in the car (it's only some 7 CDs; Testaments is 14+). I've decided to keep one or two audio books going at all times. I prefer reading directly, but I want to get to as many books as I can, and this is a way to read when I normally can't (while driving, folding laundry, etc.). I need a belt pack for the discman to make it really practical, so I'll get one with Amazon points next month. 

Josh built the gray slipper chair for the bathroom. It's pretty big, big enough for me to pull up my legs, but I measured it before I ordered it to make sure it could fit in the bathroom without blocking any doors. I sat in it today. Having it should improve the quality of my days, and I'm looking for anything that can do that. I moved a pink, gray, and gold Sparkle pillow from the guest room to the couch, where I can enjoy it more. I want to get maximum enjoyment out of wonderful objects. A new pillow cover arrived: a fairy with green hair, green eyes, and green eyeliner, very pretty. I'll put the pillow on the chair in the bathroom since the bathroom has a green theme. 

Day 5: Wednesday. The magazine stories keep rolling in, and I'm behind. I read one in bed last night, but I got too tired after that. I'm having to devote a lot of reading time and energy to this right now. It's what I signed up for as a second reader, but I'm not used to its being this steady. I've gotten through two stories today. 

I've been enjoying my fountain pens and inks. Today, I'm writing with the lovely Diamine Inkvent Blue Peppermint ink. It's a bright turquoise with silver shimmer and a little blue sheen. I'd love to have the whole Inkvent collection; I only have three bottles out of...many. I'd love to get the Inkvent calendar this Christmas...an early Christmas gift? Sailor Manyo Koke has come out with dual-shading inks which write in varying shades and are apparently safe for all pens. I'd love to try them. I'm running low on room for ink...I need to figure out a new way to store them. I keep some in an open purple glitter box on top of my desk, but I worry Oliver may knock them down. 

Another Christmas present I'm considering is this Ruby Red Stella doll. She's so cute and sassy with her rock star shirt, her star sweater, and her glittery boots. 

I feel bad that Oliver hasn't gone out much. He didn't go to the park or out for a McDonald's "cashbrown" date last weekend. He slept too late or asked too late. I hope we can do better for him this weekend, and I hope it won't be so terribly hot and rainy. 

I'm not doing so well with my goals or habits for July. I haven't done enough yoga or caught up on my letters. I did enjoy listening to The Testaments in the car yesterday while driving to and from OT. I left the CDs in the car because I thought I might be driving a lot tomorrow, but Mom texted me to say that she's sick. So we won't get a weekend this month. Our next romantic weekend will be at the end of August when Josh has his half marathon in Asheville. 

I did read two stories from Kaleidoscope to the boys last night. It will count as a short story collection when I finish it. 

Once Oliver finishes school (if not before then), I'll probably need to go back to work full-time to help cover his programs and care. We also need to save for his future. Once we're out of debt, we can focus more on saving. In any case, worrying about it now won't help anything. 

House of Hearts, Francesca Lia Block's new novel, just arrived! I can't wait to read it. She's my favorite writer, and I got to take two classes with her last year! 

Josh has a partial class schedule for fall. He'll have a long Tuesday night class, which will be a bummer for me. But he may get to be home for most of the day until then. It looks like he may be able to drop Oliver off at school each day and take him (alone or with me) to OT. Those would be awesome. But his schedule may change a lot over the next month. Still, even during those three weeks Oliver isn't in school yet, Josh will be home with us more. 

It's raining. I hear a little thunder, and I'm watching bubbles flow under the gate. I got almost eleven hours of sleep last night. Wow! My mood isn't great, though, which may relate to the weather. I got a few items on Prime Day: a firm body pillow and teal velvet case and a large canister of pancake mix. The pillow will replace our limp, floppy one we keep near our headboard. I added it to the furniture/household budget I set for the year. The pancake mix is for our extra food stash. 

Day 6: Thursday. Today, I'm writing with Diamine shimmer Peacock Flare ink in my TWSBI stub nib fountain pen. 

Wonderful surprise: my loveseat arrived! It wasn't supposed to come until next week! I popped up the teal ottoman. I'm thinking about getting another ottoman in gray to go under the coat rack in the foyer--a place to put on shoes. I've thought about what else I can do to make the study beautiful. Cleaning up the desks could help. Maybe we could put some flowers on my desk once I've cleared some space. Josh says he'll build my loveseat when he gets home, but I don't want to wait! 

My reading achievements have been subpar lately. I haven't finished a single book this week. 

But! I did manage to assemble my loveseat all by myself! My pink and white Merry Everything pillow cover with gold thread arrived, so I added it to my You Are Magical and She Leaves a Little Sparkle Wherever She Goes pillows. 

I also moved some stationery and notebooks to the storage ottoman, set aside some items to donate, and cleared out a whole desk drawer for my inks! I organized them by type (shimmer and sheen, scented, and standard) and brand. Now, they're safe from Oliver's rages (some used to live on top of the desk), and I have room for more! I will be getting some inks as gifts later in the year...

I was in an awesome mood for much of the day. Then, Oliver had a massive accident in the bathroom, and I found that his bed was wet as well. He was hollering and jumping hard, and I felt hot and spent. I tried to listen to The Testaments while I put away laundry, but I missed parts because Oliver was vocalizing so loudly. 

Day 7: Friday. I didn't write at all today. It was a hard day. I took Oliver to the bathroom every hour, but he still had an accident. I started taking him to the bathroom every thirty minutes. I called his doctor, and we got to go in at 3. Josh managed to get a urine sample, which showed no indication of infection or diabetes. We need to do blood work to rule out diabetes insipidus, so we'll sedate him on Monday and take him back. The doctor suspects constipation is causing decreased bladder control, so we're going to start using Miralax.

I did finish Some Things I Still Can't Tell You: Poems. The acknowledgements page was heartbreaking--he still loves his estranged wife. I was surprised to see that he had a poem in Pearl; my "Love Spell" was in Pearl many years ago.  

I got a piece of wonderful news: my poem "Cadillac" will appear in Kakalak 2022! Kakalak is an annual anthology of Carolina poets. I'm thrilled. I wrote the poem as a graduate student, and it's very North Carolina. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 7.

Day 1: I haven't felt well today, and my mood has been anxious. I did take a much-needed, soothing bubble bath, using up my Winterberry Wonder gel. I also lay down and read Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears while Josh took Oliver to the park. While there, Oliver greeted a boy he recognized from ABA and even responded to a fist bump. He also said bye without prompting. Maybe he's growing socially. 

I did write a poem today: "Cleaning," which may become part of the collection of poems I'm writing about raising Oliver.

Day 2: I had a hard time going to sleep last night, but I did read more. So far, my favorite story in the book is "The Beast" by Tanith Lee--kind of a mix of Beauty and the Beast and Bluebeard. It's always fun to read Joyce Carol Oates stories in anthologies like this. She does it all. I read her journals years ago as research for the seminar I taught during my MFA graduating residency. Her stories are much darker than the thoughts she records! I'd like to read more journals. I've always meant to read May Sarton's journals. The best book I've read about journaling is The Hidden Writer by Alexandra Johnson. I should read it again.

This morning, I'm looking at the art of Christian Schloe. I have a couple of her prints; I'd have more if I had wall space! She's my newest favorite artist. Other favorites are Kinuko Y. Craft, Amy Brown, Mary Blair, Stephen Mackey, Molly Harrison, and SARK. And I do still love Lisa Frank.

I've read fourteen books this year. I'd like to be further along, but it's okay; I'm still three books ahead of schedule according to Goodreads. This is my seventh week without spending frivolous money. This week, Josh and I will celebrate Valentine's Day and our fifteenth wedding anniversary. One of his classes won't meet on Monday (Valentine's), so we may get to spend the whole school day together. We'll spend the morning of our anniversary together too. I've given him a couple of presents, including a map-drawing activity set and a doodle book by the Strange Planet artist. Josh showed me some of his drawings this morning. He's another of my favorite artists. 

Today, I finished reading A Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys. I started reading Many Waters but switched to Peter Pan and Wendy, which I want to read before my winter children's lit focus ends.

Day 3: Valentine's Day. Josh and I don't usually celebrate the holiday since our wedding anniversary is just a couple of days later. But this year, Josh took part of the day off so we could spend time together while Oliver was at school. Josh also gave me the beautiful BENU Wild Rose fountain pen (and some sparkly pink ink)!

The pen is matte light pink and translucent hot pink with fine gold glitter, gold glitter leaf, and red glitter hearts. It's the prettiest pen I have.

Sparkling ink doesn't work out in most fountain pens, so I gave my new pen a Levenger ink cartridge: Shiraz, a burgundy ink that Levenger no longer makes.

I also received a special package today from one of my closest childhood friends, Leah. She sent Prisma Color pencils and a bunch of pens from my NoBuy2022 list! Gifts that support my writing are especially meaningful to me. A friend from Borders also sent me some pens a couple of months ago to get me started on writing through this NoBuy year. 

In case you're wondering, these are Prisma Color Scholar pencils (a less expensive version), Pentel Krazy Pops, Crayola Take Note iridescents, Gelly Roll Stardusts, and Whaline Outliners. 

Day 4: Today was not a good day. I hope tomorrow is better. It looks like Oliver will not get aid for next year, so we'll have to make some difficult decisions. Apparently we were supposed to have Valentines for the whole school yesterday, but I never received the E-mail about it. I've been missing weekly E-mails. It seems to be a big deal (we got shamed this morning), so I wrote an apology to the principal and Oliver's teacher. I'll be making late Valentines tomorrow. I also got busted for the way I pick up Oliver, so I just can't do anything right. After two weeks of E-mailing NCSEAA and an afternoon on the phone with three different people, I'm no closer to getting Oliver financial aid for next year. 

I did finally finish and return Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears. I found some new authors to read, and I may read more of the anthology series (this is book 3). I started Daphne du Maurier's The Loving Spirit, but I haven't gotten far. Stories for the magazine are coming in quickly; I read three today, and I still have three left. I took a peach marshmallow bubble bath.

Day 5: Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. Josh picked up a cinnamon roll and a Dr. Pepper from McDonalds. He gave me a blue rhinestone and faux pearl lock and key necklace. For lunch, I made whole wheat pasta with asparagus, sweet peppers, and Alfredo sauce.

I made the Valentines--I cut out and wrote on 36 cardstock hearts, helped Oliver stamp his name on each, and attached Starbursts. I also wrote to Oliver's teachers, and Josh picked up Starbucks gift cards. And I ordered some items on the teacher's classroom wish list. And I picked Oliver up correctly today. But I have a feeling it's not adequate. Josh says I get fatalistic when I'm overwrought. I received no response to my apology. I'm not in a much better mood than I was yesterday; this is likely to be depressed day #2. I wish I felt better on this special day. 

Also, my TWSBI stub nib clogged with Electric Pink ink, so I had to drain and flush it. All the other Diamine inks have been fine; I don't know what's different about this one. Now, I'm trying Pink Glitz ink.

After two more calls to NCSEAA, I may have gotten the help I need. We'll see if he's awarded. 

I have those three magazine stories to read today, so I'm not going to get far with my other books. It's 4:14 p.m., and I'm ready to go to bed. I won't have time with Josh tomorrow. 

Day 6: I got some early morning cuddles with Josh before Oliver woke up, so the day started well. I read two more magazine stories last night, and I have two left to read today. 

I've been writing with a Crayola Take Note teal-with-blue-glitter pen (from Leah) and a green/blue glitter Sparkle Pop pen. I drained them both. I finally caught up with the magazine stories! That's always a good feeling. Today has turned out to be hopeful. I've read a chunk of The Daily Mirror and the first chapter of Locke & Key 4.

I figured out that the school entered my E-mail address with a typo, so somebody got those letters, but I didn't. I gave them my simpler address. I hope the word spreads. Oliver has great freckles, but everyone knows that.

Day 7: Today, I've already drained a Crayola Take Note iridescent pen--hot pink with light pink glitter--from the package Leah sent me. 

Now, I'm writing with a Gelly Roll Stardust Rose Star pen. I've been cleaning, something that I don't do as often as I should (Josh is more attached to neatness than I am). I finished listening to the London cast album of the musical Amelie while I cleaned the bathroom. Now, I have laundry going, and I'm making some semblance of order with my chair/ottoman nest--books, pens, magazines, notebooks.... I repurposed a rubbery blue bucket as a catch-all for Oliver's school supplies: crayons, markers, daubers, scissors, glue, pencils, and name stamp. Now, everything is put away in a cabinet but will be easy to take out for virtual weeks.

I think I may be on the way up. I was cleaning a door earlier, which usually only happens when I'm manic. But it's a happy up so far--not an anxious or irritable up. I hope it will stay that way. Sometimes, I get manic when I have something coming up, like a challenge or a social event. It's like my brain is trying to prepare and strengthen me...it just doesn't always work out well. But mania has allowed me to do a lot of great things that I might never have done otherwise. I remember writing a proposal for a science fiction class while in the white heat of mania. My medications really keep it in check most of the time, but I definitely still have mood cycles. 

I wrote a poem today! It's called "My Glinda," and it's for Bruce. As I'm reading David Lehman, I want to write more poems that are contemporary and specific with allusions. I wish I could write poems about New York City as he does. I'd have to spend some more time there, which I do hope I'll be able to do. If I had unlimited funds, I'd certainly want to live there for a year. I'd go to the theatre weekly instead of monthly (and monthly still feels pretty amazing). I did write in a slim Paperblanks journal while I was there. I'll always cherish the memories of that trip, which my parents and stepparents made possible. And of course, Josh was my perfect traveling companion. 

I told Josh that my wallet was starting to fall apart after several years, so he ordered me a new wallet! It came today, and it's perfect!

Theatre! Cats! This is from Vendula London. Josh transferred the little key charm that he's put on each of my wallets. It came from a wallet my mom gave me a couple of decades ago. I've gotten so many presents this week! I'm currently working on my mom's birthday present for next month.

I just wrote another poem called "Sheen." David Lehman includes so many specific people, songs, streets, and more in his poems, so I played with that.

We ordered Carrabbas for dinner, with enough leftover for tomorrow. We're celebrating a special week, and I'm in my best mood. I had a chicken Caesar salad--their Caesars are so good. Josh had spaghetti and Italian salad. We had to save most of the bread for later. Oliver was not interested; he prefers Pizza CheezIts and bananafers (vanilla wafers). We stopped fighting him on food once he was out of a belted booster seat at the table. It's no longer easy to trap him with pre-selected food in front of him. Discipline is different when your child doesn't really understand cause and consequence.

I did finish The Daily Mirror! And I wrote yet another poem, this one called "Vacation." I'm pretty close to being caught up now on writing daily poems. I'm going to call this day joyful. It could also be passionate, but joyful is rarer. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 6.

Day 1: Yesterday, I did take that shower, and I read two stories for the magazine. Josh and I washed and changed our star sheets--fresh sheets are always a treat. I even remembered to put on Rose Water and Ivy lotion.  

My Conklin Endura abalone gunmetal pen, a gorgeous piece, clogged with Herbin violet-scented ink. I had to flush it. I'd never known scented inks to clog pens, but this pen must be fragile. I'll only use standard Levenger ink in it from now on. My parents first bought me Levenger ink when I was a teenager. I still have the original bottle of Amethyst. Today, I'm writing with Diamine Happy Holidays ink, which arrived yesterday. I'm disappointed; it's really just navy ink with no sheen and a little gold shimmer. I've wanted all the Diamine Inkvent inks, but a lot of them are unremarkable blues. Still, the next ink I buy will be Diamine Inkvent Blue Peppermint, which is a refreshing turquoise.

I'm drinking a homemade Shirley Temple in a DPAC cup with a rainbow metal straw. Josh cleans a lot of reusable straws for me. I just read three poems from David Lehman's (yes, the Best American Poetry series editor!) The Daily Mirror, a journal in poetry. I was thinking about how I'd like to write a poem each day and how surely some of them would be good. I'd end up with a lot more good poems than I have now anyway. And so I wrote a poem called "Scrub." It has a line that Josh said would be a good book title. Maybe I'll write a collection around that line. 

I got a little depressed last night and didn't do much reading. I've decided to let Fire go; I'm not in the mood for it, and I can check out the E-book again when I have more bookspace in my life. I guess I'd call it a young adult book, so it will go with spring. This morning, I read chapter 7 of Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys while Josh lifted weights on his green yoga mat in the living room. It was a shorter chapter, so I may start chapter 8 today. Reading L'Engle aloud is getting easier. I loved her four memoirs (The Crosswicks Journals) starting with Circle of Quiet. That book and Wintering by Katherine May are deeply comforting books. 

I sent Circle of Quiet and Wintering to a dear relative who is going through a rough season. I hope the books comfort her as they have comforted me. I also sent My Heart Is a Chainsaw to my brother--not at all comforting but very good. My DREAM boards usually include sending a gift to someone. Last month, I bought a two-year Bella Grace Field Guide to Everyday Magic subscription for another relative who needs a treat, but that won't start arriving until April. In the meantime, I'll write letters. 

My Amazon points arrived! I got three Diamine inks: that Inkvent Blue Peppermint (turquoise green with silver shimmer), Mystique (deep plum with gold shimmer), and Pink Glitz (hot pink with gold shimmer). Next month, I'll get that Paperblanks grande journal. Amazon points let me have a little fun each month according to my rules. I'll take those inks off my NoBuy2022 List, which still includes a lot of books I'm going to try to get from the library. I just did a purchase request for Anatomy: A Love Story, a YA novel by Dana Schwartz.

I made a lot of fried rice with broccoli, green beans (not very authentic, but I didn't have much on hand), and edamame (with shrimp for me). That should feed us for a couple of days. It's one of the few meals I know how to make, and I still take shortcuts (boil-in-a-bag brown rice, steamer bag vegetables), but I feel pretty domestic. Hopefully, Josh will like it. So I did that instead of walking while Josh took Oliver to the park. It was a bit of an arm workout though.

My mood is good today. I've been able to read some of The Paper Palace. I started some more laundry. I put away two loads yesterday...trying not to let clothes take over our bedroom as they sometimes do. Josh has been cleaning. He never complains about chores, and he's ever beating back the dust.

I'm so thankful that I've kept a detailed journal for so long. I was having a lot of anxiety, and I was able to fact check something in my journal. I found it easily, almost 100 journals back. I trust my journal more than my memory. 

My tiny fairy lights arrived! Josh and I strung them around the window. A tiny remote changes the color--white, yellow, red, green, light blue, dark blue, multi. I think I'll turn on the light blue tonight. They won't light up our room like the Christmas tree did--just a glistening. I look forward to looking at the lights from bed. Maybe Oliver won't demand that we turn them off if he wakes up (as he did with the tree). He slept through the night again last night and didn't even wet the bed.

Day 2: Oliver slept through the night again! Now, he's asleep again in our room. He allowed the fairy lights to stay on though he looked at them with great suspicion.

This morning, I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Twilight Mist ink. This is the ink of which I ended up with two bottles. I don't mind--it's lovely, deep violet with pink shimmer. It's now my current favorite ink.

I wrote a poem! It's not a particularly good one, but it's called "Chafing." I'm going to try to write a poem every day. I'll type this one up even though it's mediocre. Josh liked it. I'm thinking about that new collection I'm building. Maybe I'll have it written by the end of the year. If I write a poem every day, I should be able to write and revise enough good ones. My first poetry collection was some sixteen years in the making. It shouldn't take me that long.

I hope to get a kitten someday. We're not allowed pets at this house, and not having pets has some advantages. I'd like a black kitten; I'd name her Specter. Just one cat. Maybe Oliver would bond with her. 

At the moment, Josh is out on a 20-mile run, and Oliver is still sleeping. The house is silent but for the sigh of the heat. I'm under my heated throw, polishing off a Dr. Pepper. I've been reading poems from The Daily Mirror. Lehman doesn't use punctuation, so I tried using less in today's poem--it works with the urgent tone.

I've written five letters today, two of them thank-you cards for generous gifts my step-family sent to help with Oliver's expenses. I also replaced all the empty Wallflowers in the house--Holiday, Sweet Pea, Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin, Fresh Fallen Snow. I never tire of cinnamon. I don't know if my Wallflower stock will last through the year. I'll be sure to save some candles for the holiday season. 

When she visited early this week, my mom brought me a Wendy doll. It was accidentally especially appropriate because my poem "Wendy" has just been published. The doll has frosty lips, auburn curls, and a glittery nightgown.

I finished The Paper Palace! So that's one book for the month and 13 for the year. I'm still on track. It was a good book but pretty rough in content. Next up, Mexican Gothic. I read The Beautiful Ones recently, and I'll probably read more Silvia Moreno Garcia. I looked at the blurbs from other authors and added several books to my list. I attended a Gothic fiction seminar and considered taking a class. I would like to try to write Gothic fiction. My only Gothic-ish story is "Her Pearl-Handled Knife."

Day 3: Oliver is back at school and happy about it. I'm writing with my pink marble Moonman fountain pen with a bent nib, using Herbin rose-scented ink. Lovely.

Josh and I spent the morning together. He napped while I scribbled, and we cuddled. I ate Ramen with green beans and boiled egg--pretty good. Josh is at work now, 12-8. I'll miss him. Oliver and I will be on our own. Josh and I aren't often apart for that long.

I just filled one of my TWSBI Ecos with Aurora Australis ink from Van Dieman's Night collection, a shimmering grape juice purple with a hint of green sheen.

Day 4: I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Shooting Star ink, blue with red sheen and gold shimmer. I've decided I'm not in love with sheening ink--it's not very impressive. I prefer shimmer.

Josh and I spent another morning together. He will start testing again on Thursday afternoons. I wrote a poem called "Lodged." It's nothing amazing, but it is a poem! I also caught up on reading for the magazine.

Day 5: Josh and I took Oliver to school together and got groceries this morning. I bought frozen chicken and whole wheat pasta. I got ranch dressing, cheese Alfredo sauce, seasoned salt, and cinnamon. I have three servings of chicken thawing in the fridge. I'll bake them tomorrow. 

Josh and I had more time together, and I'm so grateful for that. We had Caesar salad for lunch before he went to work. I had an episode of high blood pressure with a headache and dizziness. This is the second afternoon that's happened. I don't know why, but I'm better now.

I'm still in a reading slump though I have been reading to the boys (we're on chapter 9 of 12 in Swiftly Tilting Planet) and reading a few poems each day. I did not realize how much Madeleine L'Engle wrote! I've only read A Wrinkle in Time, Wind in the Door, The Joys of Love, and the four Crosswick Journals. I may try to read her other series and her poetry. I have a book of her short stories, which I bought at a little bookstore in Southern Pines.

A lot of books are due tomorrow, and I will not be taking them back. I have a lot of catching up to do. I did write a poem called "Cash," which about what I bought in New York City. Again, it's not special, but this is my fourth day of writing a daily poem!

Oliver slept through the night again, and he may actually attend school for a full week! Masks are becoming optional in public schools soon, so we may see a surge of COVID again. Josh is home now and writing to me in a letter journal we share. 

Today, I wore pastels--lavender, pale pink, and glacial green with a matching necklace I've had for years. I like rediscovering fun jewelry I bought back when I was teaching. Tomorrow, I may start that 40 Day Dress Challenge, mostly just to see if I can do it. I'll miss my jeans. But Josh likes my wearing dresses. Maybe he won't really notice that it's the same dress every day.

I like this photo of the shoes I left in the living room yesterday:

(Keds, New Balance, and Irregular Choice)

I also wrote today with Diamine Magical Forest ink, which is green with great shimmer that looks multi-colored.

Day 6: I've been deep in Mexican Gothic today. I came out of it long enough to bake chicken and make whole wheat pasta with spinach and broccoli. So I have a few mealies ready for Josh and myself.

"...but then she tended toward opulence. Besides, she wanted to defy the gloom around her."

~Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Mexican Gothic 37

I love this--defying the gloom. That's the motivation with which I started this blog eleven years ago--to defy the gloom in the world, in my family, and especially in myself. I finished the book just before I got ready to go pick up Oliver from school. Tonight, I'll go see Bruce and Corey. We might finish this season of American Horror Story. I'd like to start the second season of Locke & Key next week. I also have so many movies I want to watch. 

No spoilers here, but a bit close to the end of MG sums up what I've been trying to do most of my life:

"She must practice, she thought. It was all practice. She'd learn to live without worry, without fears, without any darkness chasing after her."

~Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Mexican Gothic 298

I continue to practice.

I'm writing today with Diamine's shimmer Cobalt Jazz.

Day 7: I'm racing to finish another book on which someone has placed a hold. I try not to keep books late if someone is waiting. This one is due tomorrow: Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears, an anthology of adult fantasy, mostly contemporary fairy tales. So I have two days to read twenty-one tales. I'd like to get to know current fantasy writers; some of these authors were in the Once upon a Time anthology I read last year. But these tales actually aren't so current--they're from the 1990s, which, alas, was a long time ago. I've gotten to see some of my poetry in fantasy magazines Sounds of the Night (sensual stuff) and Illumen (speculative poetry) as well as Cover of Darkness (horror). I'd like to write more fairy tales.

I forgot to write a poem yesterday, but I did read poems. I'll get back on track today. I finished my Papier journal and started a new Punch Studio journal also suited to February. 

I've been writing with my new Diamine Inkvent shimmer ink in Blue Peppermint, which is now one of my favorite inks. It's a lovely turquoise with blue shimmer. 

I'm now dressed in stone blue pajama shorts and top, ready for the weekend with my boys.