Stillness & Attention: Week 26.

Day 1: Saturday. We're almost at the mid-point of the year! I've kept up my NoBuy for almost six months. But since we got a major bill out of the way, I may spend my birthday money this weekend.

We'd made plans for this to be our outing day. I woke up early (5:30), but we weren't in a hurry. I'm not counting calories today, so I ate cheddar and sour cream Ruffles for breakfast. Oh yes. 

We first went to get groceries. We bought a little bag of dark plums. I don't think I've ever eaten a plum, but they were so pretty. I found fudge peanut cookies (faux Tagalongs) that I haven't seen in a long time. I'll hide them in the freezer. I got a cheesecake parfait but only ate half of it. 

I put away the groceries while Josh cleaned out the car. Then, we went to Lowe's to get a wire for the weed eater. That only took a few minutes. 

First fun stop: Barnes. I want to start going to Barnes at least once a month for the atmosphere and to keep tabs on new releases I may want to read. I like to be aware of what's out; that's what I loved about being a bookseller. 

I decided to buy three journals with my birthday money. Choosing wasn't so easy; Peter Pauper Press has a lot of great new journals. But I can also get those with points on Amazon. So I chose one PPP journal, Floral Fields. I loved the flowers in white, purples, and pinks. I got a Compendium (a great brand for journals) spiral journal that has a Rumi quotation: There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen. I love spiral jorunals; they're kind of hard to find. And I found the Under the Light of the Moon journal with designs by Katie Daisy on every page. I also got the summer issue of Oh Reader. I really need to catch up on my good magazines. 

We went next to Ulta. I wanted to look for a brown automatic eyeliner with sparkle--not the easiest item to find. I almost got the staff searching the store, but I was able to find Clinique Intense Quickliner in Intense Clove. It's a medium brown with a hint of silver shimmer. Brown eyeliner is allowed on my NoBuy list, so I didn't count that. I did count a Colour Pop Super Shocker Ultra Glitter eye shadow in Dream Much, a bright periwinkle with purple glitter. I fell for another sparkler: Fenty Beauty Diamond Bomb in Rose Rave. It's a rose gold highlighter with gold and pink glitter. I really liked another shade, How Many Carats?, but Ulta was out. The store was super busy. Josh stood in line while I continued to weave through the aisles. 

I tucked my orange Ulta bag into my purse so that the makeup wouldn't melt in the car, and we went to lunch at Carrabbas, one of my favorite restaurants. I had the perfect meal: bread with oil and herbs, an excellent Caesar salad, and the delicious mezzaluna pasta--sweet half moons of pasta with cheeses, chicken, and a tomato cream sauce. And I had two Shirley Temples. I only ate half the mezzaluna, so I'll have the leftovers for tomorrow. Even so, I couldn't have this meal on a calorie-counting day because it's basically my full allotment. But once every couple of months, I'm going to have it anyway. 

We came home and had some time to rest. Josh took a nap. I'm still not really able to sleep during the day. At the last minute, we got ready and went to the Woodpeckers baseball game. Justice for Our Neighbors was the nonprofit of the night. We arrived and immediately found the Dippin' Dots. I got chocolate chip cookie dough in a helmet. Josh got rainbow ice and a soft pretzel. We ate and visited the JFON table before finding our seats. It was hella hot. After an hour, we relocated to the JFON table. I didn't pay a lot of attention to the game. Josh kept looking over at me like he had a crush on me. 

When we got home, we both took showers. I've read almost nothing this weekend as I predicted--too enamored of my company.

Day 2: Sunday. We had another slow morning. I stayed up long enough last night to write in my journal. Today, I worked on my planner, which requires me to spread out with my stickers, pens, and colored pencils. I had my leftover mezzaluna. Josh went on a longer run as he usually does on Sundays. 

We drove to Rockingham in the afternoon to pick up Oliver. In the car, I read Trawling the Silences by Kathryn Stripling Byer aloud to Josh and then to both boys. We finished it. Kay was a visiting professor for a poetry seminar Josh and I took as seniors at ASU. She always encouraged us as writers, as a couple, and later as parents. Kay died in 2017, and we still miss her. Trawling was her final book of poems. 

Oliver seemed willing enough to come home. He had the worst meltdown Mom and Shane have seen over the weekend, but he was happy when they took him swimming at my brother's pool. I unpacked his bag, and we settled back into our routines. I'm happy Josh and I got this weekend to spend together, to rest, and to run around town. 

Day 3: Monday. Josh is back at work, but he got to come home for lunch. Oliver has been eating "biscuits," lite breakfast sandwiches from our freezer. He ate three of my turkey sausage, egg white, and cheese croissants and then ate one of Josh's plant-based "meat," spinach "egg" whites, and "cheese" English muffins. We were surprised to see him eat faux meat, but he did. He must be going through a growth spurt. We usually struggle to get him to eat enough, and he usually eats very little variety. We've found it impossible to force food on him since he got out of a high chair, so thank goodness for vitamins. 

I made a stack in the living room of the short story collections I want to read this summer. It's a little daunting to see!

Day 4: Tuesday. Today was a hard day. I felt a lot of hurt, anxiety, and conflict. I didn't read or write today. I didn't put on makeup--I try not to put it on when it's not going to be fun. Oliver's OT appointment was stressful because he managed to hit his head on the wall while looking out a window. When Oliver is hurt, he asks for help ("You need some help?") and rubs his eyes until they're raw. He says, "Blow your eyes?" I dried his eyes many times with a tissue. Once we were on our way home and we stopped for the customary post-appointment fries, he started to feel better. I'm relieved that we don't have OT next week. It's kind of an ordeal even when it goes well. 

This is a hard day for Josh too, and I'm worried about both of us. A friend I worked with at Borders has spent a lot of time messaging with me today, and she has made me feel less alone. 

Day 5: Wednesday. I didn't sleep enough last night, but I feel lighter today than I did yesterday. I found some comfort talking to Josh in the night. I'm not good at guessing what Josh is thinking and feeling, and telling me is difficult for him. But we're trying to make more of an effort. We also did yoga together this morning, which soothed some of my tension.

The last of my birthday prizes arrived today: stickers from the artist Rongrong DeVoe (Paris and Breakfast at Tiffany's!), Benefit Benetint lip stain (which smells like roses), and yes--Fenty Beauty Diamond Bomb in How Many Carats?. The highlighter is all silver, green, and lavender glitter. 

I read a bizarre story for the magazine and wrote in my journal, trying to get back to myself. I don't feel as hopeful as I did this morning, but I do feel like I have something to work with. 

Day 6: Thursday. Last night, Josh had a board meeting, so I got Oliver ready and put him to bed. He fell asleep quickly. I took a shower and went to bed too. Josh tickled my back. I slept more last night, so I feel better today. I still feel fragile emotionally. I'm not sure how to heal my mind and heart.

I finally got back to Wild Swims by Dorthe Nors. The story "The Fairgrounds" enchanted and haunted me. It's just a few pages long, but I wish I owned a copy of the collection just for that story. Still, reading feels really hard right now. I haven't read substantially in about a week. 

I wrote in my journal with copper and sepia pens. I ran laundry and the dishwasher. Josh got to come home for lunch. Usually, he's already eaten, and we just spend the hour close together on the couch. We have a three-day weekend coming, which I didn't realize. We need the time together. He's at work so much, and when he gets home, it's almost time to get Oliver ready for bed. I think we're both ready for the summer to wrap up. The program is halfway finished. 

But the good news is that Josh got paid today. We now have savings for the first time in a few months, I paid down some debt, and we paid off Josh's medical bills that have been following us around for a year. I also plan on paying off his undergraduate loans so that we won't have that payment when his grad school loan payments restart in August. None of this would have been possible if Josh weren't working so hard this summer. But I do miss him very much. Little bits of time together early in the morning and after Oliver goes to bed don't feel like enough. I'm thankful that we had last weekend, which has probably helped us get through this hard week.

My new (well, fourteen-year-old) poem came out in Gingerbread House Literary Magazine today! https://gingerbreadhouselitmag.com/2022/06/30/james-core/

Day 7: Friday. A new month begins. I made a few major goals for July:

I think I can do all these. Eleven books will bring me to twenty for June and July. I was hoping for twenty-five, but twenty is more likely. I only ended up reading nine books in June. 

I read four books of poetry, three YA novels, and two horror/thrillers. I did read Anatomy and The Other in one day each, which felt great. Sleepless took two days. I read Trawling the Silences during one long car trip. I'd been reading The Art of Losing to Josh for a long time.

My habit tracking was pretty sparse in June. I didn't get all my habits on any one day, and a lot of days only had one glitter green highlight. I hope to do better with similar habits in July.

But I'm doing quite well with my annual reading goal overall. At the halfway point of the year, I've read eighty-one books. I feel like I can handle some more challenging books since I should have no trouble meeting and exceeding my reading challenge for the year.

This evening, I went to the library and picked up three holds: a novel, a poetry chapbook, and a graphic memoir--a nice variety. Then, I went to Michael's and Target with Bruce. We spent time looking at stickers, glitters, paints, pens, toys, and school supplies. I found the most lovely sparkling fairy sticker book that I hope Josh will buy for me at some point. I did not buy it last night! I'm halfway through NoBuy2022. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 22.

Day 1: Saturday. The bad news is that Oliver had another accident in our bed, so the washer, the bathtub, and the cornstarch have been at work. The good news is that I've lost another 2 pounds, which brings me to a total of 9 pounds in four weeks. I've worked out and done yoga every day for a week, and I plan to keep up that habit. Josh still does yoga with me three times a week. We've been doing that for a couple of months. His flexibility and balance have improved, and he seems less tense. I've definitely been less physically tense.

I did all my habits yesterday except sending a submission; I just ran out of time. I may try to send two today. It's time consuming. The weather is better today--no more gloom. I'm writing with a TUL metallic green pen, and it sparkles in the sunlight.

I started and finished Sharon Olds's The Dead and the Living. I thought that was book 70, but it's actually #71 for the year! It got me to ten books for the month, which is acceptable. I also read a couple of chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys, and I did my workout and yoga. Oliver didn't ask to go to the park; he spent most of the day and evening in the backyard. I'm glad he's enjoying the outdoor space. My roses are blooming!

Day 2: Sunday. I wrote a poem this morning! It's called "The Bannister." I'm happy with it. I'm happy that when I got a form rejection this morning, my response was to write a poem! Josh says it's fantastic. I sent it to him, and he paused his run to read it. Writing a poem always feels great even if it's not a very good one. I'd love to do it more often. I ought to have endless ideas. 

I read a little of Winterwood before I slept last night, but I didn't read the Bible or send a submission. Now, I have more poems to send back out. Today, we'll pack up and drive to Rockingham to meet my mom and her husband so Oliver can go to their house for two nights. We haven't done that in a few months, so I hope he'll still enjoy it. Josh and I need to sell his car tomorrow. 

I read Lost in a Book aloud on the way to Rockingham. Oliver was excited to see Mom and Shane and got right in their car. On the way home, I read poems from The Art of Losing to Josh. We stopped at Panera for two salads--Green Goddess Cobb for me and Citrus Asian Crunch for Josh, a special treat. I did yoga, having done my workout earlier in the day. Josh gave me a massage, another special treat.

Day 3: Monday. This morning, I finished reading Sharon Olds's The Father. That's eleven books for the month (pretty good with my slump), 72 for the year, 910 books total. I've read six SO books this month. 

We got ready and went to CarMax. We weren't there as long as I thought we might be, and they gave us more for Josh's car than I expected. So we don't have to worry about that one bill that was looming, and we're in slightly better shape until Josh starts getting summer pay. We even got Chinese food. 

I was totally exhausted for some reason, so we took a nap together. When we woke up, I worked on getting my janner ready for June. Later, I did my workout, and we did yoga together. 

I got another acceptance! That's the fourth this month, which is amazing for me.

Another piece of good news: I found that my wedding set fits again!

Day 4: Tuesday. Last night, I slept for ten hours without sleep meds! We weren't sure when we'd pick up Oliver, so we got ready early and then hung around. We went to Barnes briefly; we hadn't been there together in a long time. I saw a beautiful Peter Pauper Press journal based on the cover of a French edition of the Song of Songs. And I really want to read that Oh Reader magazine. 

We put the license plate in the mail and headed back to Rockingham. I read poems to Josh on the way. Mom was upbeat, and Oliver was content to go home with us. I read a couple of chapters of Lost in a Book. 

Josh finally heard about his summer job...which is starting tomorrow! I was hoping I'd get one more day with him, but I'm glad we got some time alone. I'm going to miss him so much. But I'm hoping to accomplish a lot and make this a bright summer. I'd like to lose a total of 20 pounds by the end of July...11 pounds to go! I'd also like to read 25 books over June and July and really start digging myself out of the Old Testament. 

Day 5: Wednesday. This was Josh's first day. Oliver slept in until 9:30. I was boiling eggs and baking chicken. Bruce sent me a most affirming and encouraging E-mail to help me through the day. I'll go back and read it again tomorrow. 

Oliver played outside and was largely content to play with his sheet protector, bounce around, and lounge on his crash pad. He did ask where Josh was about fifty times before accepting the answer; neither of us like Josh's being away. 

I finished the Mystic Moon journal and started a Studio Oh! Hello Gorgeous journal--bright with colorful makeup! I sent six poems to a journal. I'd taken a few days off from submissions, but I'm back on it now. I plan to send out at least eighty pieces this month. I've been ignoring my stories, and I have a lot of poems waiting. I also want to write several poems this month and really start building that third collection.

I worked on my May Reflection and June Intentions in my June Silk+Sonder janner. As usual, I'm feeling ambitious at the beginning of the month.

Day 6: Thursday. Today I'm writing in Pentel Sparkle Pop green with blue glitter, which is a lovely mermaid tail color.

I did an hour-long timed reading of Winterwood, a YA fantasy I'm really enjoying but not devoting enough time to. 

Josh will be working 7:30-5:30 M-R and 7:30-1:30 F. This is a tough schedule compared to what we're used to. But today, he did come home for his lunch break, and we got to snuggle on the couch a bit. I've been having a lot of anxiety, and I haven't been attending to my habits as I should. I did exercise, and Oliver had a good day. He's been enjoying the backyard. 

Day 7: Friday. Today was my first depressed day in a long time. I found out (just today) about an old medical bill that we can't afford to pay. So I'll have to attempt to make arrangements on Monday. Oliver had a meltdown, which lasted about 45 minutes. I'm thankful that it didn't turn destructive, but it was still overwhelming and exhausting. I had a stomach ache all day, which caused me to cancel my exercise for the day and my outing for Bruce for the evening. Josh was tired and overwhelmed when he got home. I'm just ready to be done with this day. I hope for a brighter day tomorrow.

Stillness & Attention: Week 5.

Day 1: Today, I woke up at the more-acceptable time of 5:20 a.m. I finished reading Mapping the Interior. 3 stars. I might have given it more if I hadn't already read My Heart Is a Chainsaw, which amazed me (5 stars). 

I continued work on our taxes and found that we owe a hefty amount. Apparently, the college wasn't taking taxes out of Josh's testing pay. So no new car is happening any time soon, and I'm holding off on filing until we've saved enough to pay the taxes. This is quite discouraging, especially since we just had to replace our dryer. But the NCSEAA did send Oliver's grant money to his school, so we're not also trying to juggle tuition. This seems to be another validation of our ABA decision.

I found that one of the CookUnity mealies was open and leaking in the fridge. So that's a point against CU, and I won't be eating blackened catfish with warm potato salad. 

I've been writing today with a sample of Diamine's Inkvent Polar Glow ink. The pen I flushed (after the great Robert Oster ink clog) is working fine again. I plan on using a dip pen in RO ink. 

My February janner arrived yesterday, so I've been setting it up. I'm hoping February will be a little more stable than January has been, both internally and externally. Only two more days remain in this month. I don't really go anywhere, so I won't see the Valentine's Day decor, but I'll know it's there. We have a rose velvet heart in lieu of a wreath on our front door. When people try to visit us, they say, "Do you have a heart on your door?" Yes, and a giant golden snowflake over the porch. Hearts and snowflakes are always stylish to me.

I really want to put fairy lights up in our room, maybe around the window. But I don't have any loose ones, so that will have to wait. I loved falling asleep in the glow of the Christmas tree. Right now, I see the flicker of a cinnamon candle on the mantle.

I finished The Unswept Room in bed. That's book 12 for the month and year. It's also book 850 total! I shouldn't have much trouble getting to 1,000 books by my fortieth birthday.

Day 2: I'm writing with Diamine's Inkvent Jack Frost ink. The shimmer actually showed up in the photo!

Today, I've tried the CookUnity garlic butter chicken with broccolini and the cod with jasmine rice. Both were pretty good. So far, I'm still liking Factor the best of the meal plans I've tried. But CookUnity has a ton of choices, including some good seafood, which is harder to find. 

We found out yesterday that Oliver's school will be virtual this coming week because someone connected with the school has COVID. We don't know more than that. But this means Oliver will be at home for nine days in a row. Poor guy. That also means Josh and I will have to get all our alone time while Oliver is sleeping. 

I'm thinking about my ink collection. I have a small drawer full of ink bottles in their boxes and more in a purple glitter box on top of my desk. I'm wondering if I can clear out some of my home school drawer to make more ink space. I'd like to move down what's in my other small top drawer (Prisma Color pencils, stationery, tape, thumbtacks, and such) so both small drawers can hold ink. 

I'm in another race against library deadlines. I have about twelve days to finish several books. Let's see what I can do. I've read very little today, but I did finish reading chapter 3 of Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys. I accomplished a couple other tasks today. I ran more laundry, cleaned up my nest (my chair and ottoman, always covered in books and notebooks), cleared some space for my ink in the other small desk drawer, and wrote two letters and a thank-you note.

Day 3: I slept until 7:30 today! That was nice. Josh kindly took over morning meeting with Oliver. He also picked up Oliver's school binder after a newspaper interview on Charles Chestnutt (on whom Josh sort of accidentally became an expert after randomly finding his journals at City Center Books downtown). I worked on reading for the magazine. I did some cleaning and did a math worksheet with Oliver. He doesn't understand much of what he's doing, but he's mostly cooperative. 

My poem, "Wendy," came out today in Gingerbread House Literary Magazine. Check out the great art the editors included! I wrote the poem about eleven years ago, and now it's out in the world. I'm excited about this publication, and I've been waiting for it. I'll have another poem in the summer issue. I volunteered to be a beta tester for creative writing activity series my friend and former MFA classmate created. With Oliver home, I may not get to it until next week, but it will be fun. 

The peppermint hot chocolate candle is burning, and I'm drinking too much Dr. Pepper. Oliver is eating vanilla wafers. We have a lot more work to do. I read chapter four of STP to him and Josh before Josh left for work. I'm trying to read one chapter each day, which should be easier this week since Oliver will be home. Today will be a short work day because Josh and I are going to Mystery Science Theater 3,000 Live at DPAC tonight. My mom will arrive later to keep Oliver for the night. I made the mistake of telling Oliver Marmee was coming, so he's been looking out the study windows for her. 

I won't have a lot of time for reading today, but I've got to make some progress with The Paper Palace, which looks like it might be quite good. I'll be keeping library books late again. I hate breaking small rules. I have a hold ready (The Ocean House, stories), so I'll probably go to the library tomorrow. I have a couple of books to return...check out one and return two!

Oliver and I just did some math "goal work." We worked on number cards; he knows 1-10 pretty well, and we're trying to get 11-15. I was pleased that he recognized most numbers on a different set of cards, this set handwritten. We attempted some hand-over-hand number writing with a marker on a laminated sheet, but that was a bit of a mess. I don't think Oliver will learn to write. I wonder if he could learn to type some words eventually. His IEP team recommended shifting from hand writing to typing. I never realized that the letters on a keyboard are lowercase, which is harder for him to recognize.

Day 4: Josh and I went to MST3k last night. We also met and had dinner with Josh's friend and his daughter. I ate thai fried rice with shrimp. The show was lots of fun. We both did a good bit of laughing out loud. The actors and puppeteers were quite talented. It was a late night; I took over the last 20 minutes of driving around midnight. We probably won't do that kind of thing again. 

I have not read or scribbled today.  

Day 5: Last night, I got into a deep and frightening depression. A couple of old friends reached out to me, and I need to let them. I don't know why I exist. I've got to rethink how I open and express myself. I need to avoid making any serious decisions right now. I finally took ibuprofen PM and melatonin, took a bubble bath, and went to sleep. Sometimes, a bath and sleep are all I can do to feel better. 

I found out today that we will probably not be able to renew Oliver's financial aid for next year. His eligibility determination has expired (I didn't know this), and renewal requires public school testing. We probably can't get that testing by the deadline, and the public schools don't want to interact with children who won't or can't wear a mask. I've already told his school that we want a spot for next year. I guess we'll just have to keep the old car and hope that God provides for tuition. I'm already holding off on some dental work I need. I've looked into full-time work, but with Oliver's erratic schedule (and his needs that are beyond babysitters), I don't know how I could work full-time. Still, I'll probably apply for an open position at the local community college. It would mean losing my disability benefits, most importantly my Medicare. I probably should just home school Oliver until the pandemic ends (if it does) since he won't be able to attend public school without a mask. 

I'm currently eating a Lindt truffle. This seems like a good move.

It does look like the ESA funds for this semester are coming. It won't fully cover spring tuition as I hoped, but it will help. I have to go through an approval process once I get an updated statement from the school. I've been E-mailing someone who is going to look into Oliver's eligibility for next year; it's at least worth a try.

I looked back at my files from last year, and I think I do have the eligibility determination document I need! I don't know how to update it with NCSEAA, so I've E-mailed the program. Maybe I'll be able to resolve this with help. The school system staff person I've been E-mailing has been incredibly kind, responsive, and helpful. I sent an E-mail to her boss. I hope she gets recognition if not a raise. Thank God for nice people, especially the ones who don't bite my head off when I'm clueless. I need to invest in some chill; I'm naturally a snappy person, and I used to be really critical of Josh. I try, now, to be quiet unless it really matters...without silencing myself all together. It's not an easy balance for me.

So as you know, I'm crazy about Valentine's Day--not really the holiday itself or the romance but the style and decor. Well, I stumbled upon this Valentine's Day fountain pen on Goulet Pens. It's a stunner. Look at that heart-shaped glitter! Josh says I need a Valentine's Day present. The pen isn't actually out yet, but I'm on the notification list...maybe by the time it comes out, I will have resolved the financial aid issue and saved enough to pay our taxes!

Josh has continued to take care of Morning Meeting online. God bless him. Tomorrow, Josh will be teaching at that time. Putting on eyeliner before 8:30 a.m. will probably be good for me.

I finished updating my January janner last night. My habits page doesn't look great. "10 Things" is my way of getting myself to clean up at least ten things every day--even if one is just hanging up a shirt. I did get 27 DREAM streaks across 9 boards! No black-outs, but it's still pretty good. I finally finished decorating my February janner and making my DREAM boards. I accomplished nothing yesterday (no highlighting, no stickers for me), but I can still make this a good month. 

I did talk to my therapist yesterday; she agrees that I have a chemical imbalance right now. I'll just keep taking my meds and follow my new dosage. Josh picked up some prescriptions for me. He's always so willing to run errands. Today, he got groceries (we couldn't go together since Oliver is home. We don't take Oliver to stores right now because he's a bit unpredictable and he doesn't wear a mask) and changed the air filters. He also gave me a massage last night when I was in the depths of despair.

Day 6: I'm wearing my lock and key charm bracelet today. 

Yesterday, I took an hour-long walk and used my small weights for arm workouts. I also realized that I am probably in a mixed state. I'm depressed but also impulsive and full of venom. I haven't spent money though. I did call my brother yesterday, and we talked about graphic novels, TV shows, and movies. I'm thinking that when Josh takes Oliver to the park, I'll go for walks and/or call James.

At least I've been writing today. I'm terribly behind on reading. I hope to go to the library today to pick up holds. I have a couple of books to return. I need to leave the house more. I think I'll have an easier time next week when Oliver is back in school and Josh and I have more time together. I doubt I'll read ten books this month as I'm nowhere near finishing anything now. I'm trying to give myself grace and give my new dosage a chance to work. My moods, so far, are continuing in an erratic pattern like that of January. In the first six days of January, I experienced all six of the moods I chart.

I did Morning Meeting online today, and I have more school work to do with Oliver. He has a new classmate. I haven't heard back from the NCSEAA about Oliver's eligibility determination. One E-mail could radically alter a year of our lives. And if we lose financial aid now, who knows when we'll get back in the running?

Today, the world is warm and gloomy. I'm sore and crabby and a little dizzy. I'm looking forward to Josh's getting home. Sometimes his touch seems like the only comfort I can experience. Oliver is eating fish sticks like crazy--he ate twenty-three of them yesterday. Josh's recent interview appears in an article on Charles Chestnutt, an important Black writer who spent a lot of time in our city of Fayetteville.

I feel scraped raw--brain and heart and parts of my body. A mixed state is the worst extremes of bipolar disorder conjoined. Josh has given me my only moments of peace today. I hope we can spend some time together after Oliver goes to bed. I read a few pages of STP to the boys until I realized Josh was asleep. Reading something was kind of nice. I want to read The Paper Palace, but I don't feel like I can lift my arms. Oliver is stomping and jumping and laughing and babbling, and I hurt. I just want a bath and bed and Josh. I can't find stillness, and my attention vibrates with dissonance. February 1 was depressed, February 2 was anxious, and today is exhausted. I know this has been a long week. Maybe next week will be better. 

I did go to the library to return two books and check out four holds. I have a mountain of books waiting, and I can't open one. I want hot water to consume me. Josh just lit the peppermint hot chocolate candle. Oliver is starting to wind down a little. Maybe this terrible clenching in my upper body will stop. 

I usually reserve this blog for wellness and keep illness to its sister blog. But my mental health influences my spending and my reading and vice versa, so I guess it's relevant. These posts have become more like a diary than I expected. 

Today had a couple of wins though: I showered, dressed, and put on makeup (including blush and eyeliner); started a load of laundry; and went to the library. Josh says he'll go work out tomorrow after Morning Meeting, so maybe I'll get some time with him before Oliver wakes up.

Day 7: Five weeks in. I haven't spent money on myself, and I've read twelve books. I'd like to be further along with the reading, but I'm still ahead for my goal.

So far today, I feel a lot better. Last night, I took a bubble bath, read a little, spent some time with Josh, and slept well--restoration. I'm writing with a sample of Diamine Red Lustre ink--crimson with gold shimmer. 

I'd love to do lettering, but I don't think I have the talent for it. I almost took a calligraphy class last year. Maybe I'll still do that someday. 

I was hoping to hear from the NCSEAA today, but that seems unlikely. I'll have to wait until Monday. But the deadline is still two weeks away, so I have a little time left. I hope it will be an easy fix. I'm a little bummed that the ESA turned out to be about $2k less than I expected. At least it will cover a lot of the remaining tuition. 

Josh bought me a Valentine's Day present. Two. They are pink and sparkly, and I can't wait to see them. I'm glad I'll get to acknowledge the loveliness of Valentine's Day! We don't usually exchange Valentine's Day presents since our anniversary is so near, but I'm for it this year. I have a few ideas for Josh. 

I returned some pants I'd bought for Josh. They ended up having an elastic waist (weird if you have to tuck in a dress shirt) and looking more like chef's pants than dress pants. Anyway, Amazon issued my refund as a gift card, so I can't use that money for tuition, taxes, a car, or anything else. So I used it to buy ink (Diamine Peacock Flare) and color-changing fairy lights for our bedroom. I want to sleep under twinkle lights! I hope Josh will help me put them up around the big window in our room. I'll probably set them to white, blue, or green...maybe multi-color sometimes. What I miss most about Christmas time are candles, Christmas scents (cinnamon!), and lights. So I'll just carry them on through the year!

Now, I'm writing with Diamine Moon Dust: gray-blue with silver shimmer.

My E-loan of Fire: Tales of Elemental Spirits expires in a couple of days; I'm going to try to finish it. Paper Palace is due on Monday, so I'm hoping I can finish both books this weekend. I have more books due on the 10th, but I won't be returning those on time. I have another hold waiting for me. I'll probably never catch up with myself, but trying is a fun challenge.

My mood remains good. Evenings are usually harder. But maybe if I keep myself busy, I won't get down. I may put stickers in another New York journal tonight. Playing with my stickers almost always puts me in a good mood. I gather these comforts to me in tiny bouquets like nosegays. My next challenge is to take a shower. That still feels like a big task. I haven't gone a day without a shower in a long time though. Sometimes, Josh talks to me while I shower. When Oliver isn't here, I listen to music. Sometimes I don't make it into the shower until right before bed. But I get there.

The peppermint hot chocolate candle burned out; I'm going to light Crushed Candy Cane. My candle stores are not going to last! Maybe I'll request candles for my birthday. I'll be turning thirty-seven, which will leave me with three years to complete my goals. I need to do another check-in on my 40 Before 40 list soon. I haven't made great progress since the last check-in. I haven't placed in a writing contest...but I have entered a chapbook contest twice! 

I'd like to get back to sending submissions, but it seems pretty overwhelming. My novella is almost ready for the agent query process. I just need to revise my synopsis and cover letter, and these seem like massive tasks. I do have good feedback, though, from author Emily Colin, with whom I took a YA novel-writing class online last year. One goal I have for this month is to set up my website (which I consider a professional expense rather than a fun spend) as Emily urged us to have one in action before the querying process. I'll need Josh's help with that! I also need him to proofread the third draft of my novella...you're not busy; are you, darling?

Nourish/Challenge: Week 29.

I had a bad bout of depression. I could barely get out of bed at all. My mom had some good ideas to challenge me, and one of them was to exercise for 20 minutes on most days. Of course, I should already do this, but I'm working on making it a practice. Floor work. Weights. Cardio: walking, dancing. I can feel that nourishment of movement.

I spoke to my parents on the phone more than usual. My dad is recovering from a pit bull bite. He's been showing interest in my interests, which means a lot. We do, in fact, have a lot in common.

Oliver's tech supervisor came to the house. I dreaded it. It was hard for me. Having anyone in my home is a challenge for me. But she--I'll call her Jessica--is so genuine and engaged. And Josh was with me. It was fine.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 13.

This past week had a magical glow.

We went to the college where I used to teach. A professor we shared and loved was giving a reading. He remembered us. And my former colleagues seemed delighted to see me. I got so many hugs. I was worried; going back to the college was a major challenge (being my Rebecca self, feeling self-conscious about my weight, working with my limited social stamina), but it ended up filling me.

I then had two days of barely-out-of-bed depression. Mom said I'd probably spent myself. After that, I went up. I was full of energy, sleeping little, dancing, and singing. Bruce said I was "super-charged."

I finished watching a Netflix series called Maniac. It didn't do a lot for me as a story, but the cast impressed me (Emma Stone and Jonah Hill). Science fiction almost always lights up my brain.

And on Friday, we drove to Charlotte. I was ready to see my mom. I gave her a birthday stack of magazines. That's becoming a tradition.

Oliver ran wild in the fenced backyard. He played with a giant windchime that was hanging from a tree. The weather was mild, and I uncurled a little.

On Saturday, Mom and I went to Anthropologie near her house. It was inspiring as always, and a high window poured sunlight over me. I bought a small pink journal with Joie de Vivre on the cover and a mint-rose lip gloss. When Mama saw the journal, she said, "Yeah, you probably have to have that."

Later, we walked with Oliver to a nearby playground. I need to walk more! Oliver jumped in a shallow creek. I had a weird moment of forgetting what I was telling Mom. That started happening a lot when I started lithium. But this time, I couldn't do anything, and I felt out of control of my hand's making strange gestures.

When we got back, burgers were almost ready along with slightly-spicy crab dip. Mmmm.

Shane and I talked about Dear Evan Hansen. He couldn't find tickets. I fantasize about seeing DEH on Broadway along with Phantom.

James came over for a little while, and we talked about movies. He read a spooky story to me, and I was so impressed by how well he reads aloud.

We left to meet up with Dad and Michelle. Oliver's shoes and socks were wet and filthy, so we stopped at Target for footwear.

We went to Fern, a vegan restaurant. I had slightly spicy macaroni and cheese (I don't know what it was made of) with a large side of garlic broccoli. I'd go back just for the broccoli. Dad ordered me some carrot cake to go.

On the way home, I listened to DEH on Josh's big headphones. And I felt good about the life I was returning to.

Tools from Father Christmas.

I have always been melancholy. It is a major aspect of my personality as are being quiet and somewhat isolated. Depression was probably with me from age ten through age nineteen, with a respite when I was sixteen. In adulthood, it has come and faded, and I've started and stopped (lack of insurance, pregnancy) taking antidepressants. I don't know how much of my more recent struggle has been postpartum depression, physical and mental recovery from a traumatic birth, the repeated whiplash of small and large direct and indirect betrayals (mine and others'), and simply my natural shadow reasserting itself. As my mother said, though, "Eventually, it doesn't matter what caused it. It's there, and you have to treat it."

One of the blessings of being married to Josh is that he is so like me. We have obvious differences: he does not actively believe in any god while I have a faith that simply is, he is a vegetarian while I'm not, he usually doesn't care for movies while movies seem to be part of my stitching, he feels a deep ache and compassion for the world and its individuals while my empathy usually keeps to those closest to me, he has interest in and knows a great deal about many subjects while I am more focused and obsessive, he is relaxed while I am ambitious and irritable, he feels a deep connection to heritage while I rarely do, he constantly weeds through his possessions while I seek and store. But as he says, "Our core is the same." We share quiet and closeness, a fascination and kinship with the magical (science fiction, fantasy, myth), a treasuring of books, a tie to music and musicals and theater, a weariness in company, and an insatiable curiosity (though the objects diverge).

We also share this shadow, this depression. This may seem like a problem, and it could be. But since I met him and recognized this, I felt such relief. We don't have to explain or justify it. People who don't have the tendency really can't understand it, and that's probably wonderful. Recently, we become better at not just accepting it in ourselves and in each other but also accepting that we are still responsible for our experience. We do have to work and sometimes to fight to keep the shadow a shadow only and not a consuming or damaging (to ourselves or others) darkness. Josh wrote about this beautifully on his blog in January.

 Image: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Walt Disney Pictures and Walden Media, 2005.

http://www.empireonline.com/images/uploaded/father-christmas-narnia.jpg

I often think of Father Christmas in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, coming to the three remaining children just before the battle. I liked the way the recent movie portrayed him: magical, yes, but not the carefree, jolly Santa I usually see. He is rustic, strong, benevolent, deliberate, and weary. Even his clothes (no red suit!) show this. And he tells the children that he is giving them tools rather than toys. My mind and heart catch on this part of the story, even though swords and bows don't hold much appeal. Now, though, I'm noticing a new way to think about it.

Image: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Walt Disney Pictures and Walden Media, 2005.

http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20101012031623/narnia/images/c/c5/Father_christmas_lucy_cordial.jpg

Josh and I may always need medication or therapy or both to help us, to fill in the lowest points, to keep us capable of trying. We've accepted this. And one of the greatest moments of acceptance I've ever experienced was when my mother (an extroverted woman of rock-solid faith who doesn't, to my knowledge, deal with that depression that defies circumstance and whose family experiences with mental illness may have made her recoil from or fear depression in me when I was younger) said, "You know, your stopping medication just may not be the goal." She said it in the most loving and reassuring way. I can't quite describe how light I felt when she said that. But medication is like Lucy's healing cordial. It's quick. It works. It's fairly effortless if we know when we need it. It is valuable and necessary for many people. But it's not everything.

Image: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Walt Disney Pictures and Walden Media, 2005.
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My doctor told me this when she wrote my most recent prescription. She told me I had to get exercise and sunlight every day. Fighting depression is just that: a fight. Even when it isn't a battle, it requires that I prepare and build. This reminds me of Susan's bow and Peter's sword and even Lucy's dagger. Unlike the potion, these require movement, risk, muscle, aim. I have to work to overcome the shadow. I have be active. Getting up to go for a walk, exploring a library, reading a new book or an old favorite, watching a meaningful movie, having a real conversation, keeping up with this blog, spending time with my journal...these may not seem like offensive moves. But they are. They are so especially when I am tired or overwhelmed or already slumped in the shadow or complacent in a silly feeling that the shadow is gone. I have to fight, sharpen, polish, retrieve, practice.

Image: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Walt Disney Pictures and Walden Media, 2005.
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And we have to protect ourselves. I checked out a translation of German short stories about crime recently. I read a couple of them, sparse and subtle but gruesome and ready to speak to some of my quietest fears. The writing was unusual. I wanted to learn from the spare style. And part of me wanted those ugly details. But I put the book down. I told Josh, "I shouldn't read this." He said he might read it, and I shook my head. "I don't think either of us should read it." This was as much to protect myself from wanting to pick it up again as from wanting to protect Josh. Maybe at another point I would be able to handle it. Recognizing and admitting that I couldn't was hard. I have to put choices, actions, and thoughts away regularly. I have to say, "No, I can't do that" or "I can't deal with that right now." I even have to take moments in a room by myself if I am around people (even those I love) for a long time. I have to be aware and be ready to defend myself even from basically harmless or even good things. I work to avoid inviting the shadow or letting it creep in. This is Peter's shield.

Image: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Walt Disney Pictures and Walden Media, 2005.
  http://www.yourprops.com/movieprops/default/yp_4f32c15737b6c8.52276806/Susan-s-Horn.jpg

The last tool can be the most difficult because I want to be healthy and strong and fine. I like to feel capable and independent. Sometimes it's denial, sometimes bravado, sometimes hopelessness. But asking for help is not easy. Asking can be as big as calling a doctor and admitting a problem or as seemingly small as looking Josh in the eyes and saying, "I'm feeling depressed" or "I need to spend time on the balcony." It shouldn't be difficult, especially with someone who is so often near me and who certainly understands. But it is. And I've been pushing myself to tell my mom too, whether I'm just inexplicably sad or paralyzed with anxiety about work or finding that I'm skipping meals. And recently, I also told my dad and my best friend (who actually first mentioned postpartum depression). I don't know what I expected or feared. But they both said something like "I'm so glad you're getting help." Telling and asking are Susan's horn. If I am quick and direct about the noise I make (not those "acting out" mechanisms), someone will come.

Often, it's Josh who comes to remind me about the potion, put the bow in my hands, polish the sword. He can't do the fighting and defending and calling for me, but he's next to me. We're both fighting.

Cold and Quiet But Bright.

This winter has been mild, but today was cold. We haven't left the apartment. I was up in the night with nightmares--the first about decomposing bodies in a theater and the other a kind of dystopian sci-fi mess. Josh played with Oliver in the morning so I could get a little more sleep after fighting corpse arms and robot mannequin guards all night.

The rest of the day has been peaceful. Josh brought me a leftover pumpkin muffin from the batch he made yesterday. He pinned a blue blanket with white snowflakes over the window, and Oliver slept in his swing. The snowflakes glowed with the cold sunlight behind them, and a purple ink stain darkened the center of the blanket. Josh and I got showered and dressed slowly. I wore the Revlon Diamond Lust Plum Galaxy (!) sparkle eyeshadow I bought at Ulta last week. I felt skinny in my new olive green top and jeans. I wore my favorite glittery purple striped socks. I wore them the day Oliver was born, so those glimmering purple stripes may have been what he saw first.

Josh lit a fire, and we opened the balcony door blinds to let in the sun and the view of the duck pond and the spindly, leafless willow. My dad came to visit, bringing Panera (still Josh and my favorite restaurant). Josh had half a Mediterranean Veggie sandwich and macaroni and cheese. I had broccoli cheddar soup and a Caesar salad. I'd been craving the salad. The croutons were soft, and the Parmesan was in thin, broken sheets. Dad ate a little souffle that came in a black paper cup. We also had Panera's new carrot cake--big cupcakes with cream cheese frosting cores.

Dad had brought us a card with funky turtles on it and Valentine's Day/anniversary gifts: Ralph Lauren candles, flowery Cottage and spicy Estate in Tiffany blue and forest green boxes and Paris Was Ours, a book of writers' reflections on Paris. I'm surprised I didn't know about the book since I've been interested in travel memoirs, especially about France. I'll probably read it soon.

This weekend, I've been enjoying Pink Smog, Francesca Lia Block's newest book and another part of the Weetzie Bat story. Just the crazy pink book jacket cheers me. I may finish it today. I'm also trying to finish my Bronte journal today. Next, I'll write in a flexible red faux leather journal with a silver heart and Dickinson's "Love is immortality."

I was craving popcorn this afternoon, so Josh and I watched an episode of Up All Night with a white bowl of popcorn and an upright baby between us.

Last Friday, I wrote the first poem I've written since Oliver was born (maybe the first since last spring). Over the weekend, I did our taxes, graded fifteen essays, and submitted two stories to journals--something else I haven't done in far too long. Josh patiently took care of Oliver while I reformatted and edited the stories. On Tuesday, I found out that one of those stories will appear in the next issue of a journal to which I've been sending stories for a couple of years. The editor's encouragement in the past kept me writing stories when I felt like mine must not be good, so I should stick to writing poems. I'll also be getting a check--a small one, but the largest I've had. This Friday, I wrote another poem--one for Oliver. I didn't think I could write a baby poem that wasn't trite. Josh read it and said, "The most magical part of you wrote that." He says he thinks I'm becoming more myself again. That comes from more than just the poem and from my wearing the bead choker I wore constantly at the time we began.

Just before Christmas, I was sitting in the car in the Chili's parking lot with Oliver while Josh ran in to get a gift card for his brother and his brother's girlfriend. I texted my closest friend, who had her first baby before I did. I asked, "When did you start to feel like yourself again?"

She said that happened as soon as she left the hospital. I knew that was fast, faster than most people. But even so, I said, "I still feel very fragile...physically, mentally, emotionally." I hadn't really acknowledged that directly to anyone, though Josh knew. My friend asked if I thought it could be postpartum depression.

I'd never thought of that. Though I've always been melancholy and have had a few major battles with depression, my knowledge of PPD didn't extend beyond something about Brooke Shields and something about Tom Cruise being rude. I looked it up and found a list of something like eight symptoms. I had something like six of them.

But for more than a month, I did nothing except tell Josh and my mom about it. It got worse. I didn't care about reading or writing, and the job I usually feel good about made me feel panicked and insanely lonely. I had to remind and push myself to eat. A couple weeks ago, I suddenly knew that waiting anymore was stupid and wrong. Keeping myself healthy is my responsibility, and that's even more vital now that I'm a parent. Obviously, I wasn't able to keep myself healthy alone. I had to find someone who could help.

I called my OB and hesitantly said, "Dr. W delivered my son four months ago. I think I'm dealing with postpartum depression. Is that something she can help me with?"
"Oh, yes," the voice assured me, immediately making me an appointment for the next morning despite a packed schedule.

I nearly cancelled the appointment when I realized I would have to miss a meeting. Mom and Josh told me that it was worth missing a meeting. I knew that, of course, but I felt so unsure about everything.

I texted my friend again, telling her that I'd made an appointment to get help for PPD.
"I'm so glad you called," she answered. I felt so relieved and validated when I read that. She told me that if this doctor wouldn't help me, I should keep going to doctors until someone did help.

The OB helped. She asked dozens of questions in the process but never questioned me. Matthews 7:7 ("Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.") kept playing in a Sunday school song form in my mind.

Josh has been keeping a log about the changes he sees. Oliver's complicated birth, my being sick and stuck at the hospital, my inability to work exactly as I used to, and my trying to deal with the sludge of hopeless sadness I couldn't reason away have made me feel so frustrated with and reluctant to admit my need for help. But suddenly, I write in my journal and read almost every day. I don't worry or even really think about the dishes or laundry or vacuuming--I let Josh do that. I'm cherishing the evening cuddles Oliver and I have even after my long days. I'm noticing how lovely my husband's hands are. I'm writing this. I don't feel the oppressive Sunday evening gloom.

Oliver sat up by himself this afternoon. Josh told me that this morning while I slept, Oliver held Josh's finger in one hand and stretched out the other hand to touch my shoulder. Oliver has been gazing at me and then at Josh, staring pensively until we each make eye contact and smile. Then he grins and turns to gaze at the other. This is the first day he seems to be aware of us as his two parents, the two people who are his very own.

Josh is holding him up right now next to me. Oliver is a little buttermilk elf in a diaper, grabbing his daddy's sideburns and gazing at me with wide blue eyes and brushstroke eyelashes. I am enjoying this day.