Stillness & Attention: Week 10.

Day 1: I can't believe this is already the 10th week of the year! I'm nine weeks into NoBuy and 26 books toward my goal.

We're about 110 pages into The Girl Who Drank the Moon. The metaphors about magic (and personality? mental health?) are intriguing. At what point are our truest selves harmful? At what point does self-censorship make us cease to be ourselves? One of the characters says a great line: simply, "Poetry will help." Poetry helps me with loneliness, writer's reluctance, and mental sluggishness. 

I've been reading Wildwood Whispers, which I'm having a little trouble getting into. I started Honor Moore's Red Shoes: Poems. Poetry begets poetry! I wrote a poem called "The Keeper," and I submitted my second poetry manuscript, Call Me Luna, to the Four Way Books competition. Tomorrow, I plan to do the same with my first poetry manuscript. Formatting for a particular competition or publisher takes some time.

Day 2: I finished Red Shoes yesterday. Today, I started The Thorn, poems by David Larsen--a quirky book. I spent most of the morning reading George by Alex Gino. The first book I read about a transgender person was Luna by Julie Anne Peters. I remember reading it during a trip to Washington. It got me to think about issues that had only vaguely crossed my mind. More recently, I read Too Bright to See by Kyle Lukoff, a young readers book about an eleven-year-old transgender boy. I saw George on a list of banned books, so I asked the library for it. This one is about a ten-year-old transgender girl. I would say that I can't imagine what it would be like to be a transgender kid, but after reading these books, maybe I can imagine it a little. I'm glad books like these exist, both for the people who identify with the characters and for everyone else who wants to be a compassionate human.

28 books! I'd like to finish The Thorn and Wildwood Whispers by tomorrow afternoon so I can return them on my way to pick up Oliver from school. But now, I'm going to read to the boys and drink wild strawberry water out of a DPAC cup through a rainbow metal straw.

I finished The Thorn in the bathtub. I listened to Corinne Bailey Rae's The Heart Speaks in Whispers and The Love E.P. while I showered and gave myself a silver pedicure. Then, I submitted my first poetry collection, Little Droughts and Hurricanes, to the same competition I entered yesterday. I'm counting the two entry fees as professional expenses. I really need to work on my website, which exists but doesn't have any content yet.

Day 3: I had the morning with Josh. While he napped, I updated my website (still under construction but coming along) and wrote a new poem called "Backing Up." I've started reading How to Fly (In Ten Thousand Easy Lessons): Poetry by Barbara Kingsolver. I've only read her Prodigal Summer, which I loved. I have Poisonwood Bible around here somewhere. I've been writing with a pink Outliner pen.

I didn't finish WW, but I did return four books to the library. Oliver and I had a quiet afternoon, and Josh got home early from his final night class. I'm excited that I'll have him home on Monday nights now.

Day 4: I finally finished Wildwood Whispers this morning. I liked it fine. That's book #30 for the year! I'm 12 books ahead of schedule. That makes me feel less worried about any reading slumps I may encounter. I'm now starting Ormeshadow by Priya Sharma. 

I usually have time with Josh on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, but this week, he has long admin days. I'm encouraging myself to use the time well to read and to work on laundry...and maybe to clean up the space around my nightstand, which always gets cluttered. The sun is shining on the keyboard though I expected today to be cloudy. If I could easily sleep during the day, I'd take a sunshine nap.

I took Oliver to OT for the first time in months; his therapist just returned from maternity leave. I finished Ormeshadow, which I really liked. So now, I've read seven books this month. Getting to 10 books should be easy. I've been writing with a purple Outliner pen.

Day 5: Today, I've been writing in green. I drained a couple of pens and then opened a package of Pentel Slicci metallic pens. Sliccis are very fancy and usually very expensive. I got a few packs on sale last year. They feel special--slim and silvery.

I sent 10 poems to a contest today. I'm trying to rebuild the habit of submitting work, and lately, I've been entering contests. One of my 40 before 40 goals is to place in a writing contest. This isn't likely, but at least I'm trying. My poetry chapbooks came back, so I need to find another potential home for them. Most of my individual poems need to go out. I've started (barely) an Excel spreadsheet as a master list for all my pieces. 

I started reading Revelator last night. I don't remember why I placed a library hold on it, and I haven't read the jacket, so I don't know what to expect. It does have a fantasy sticker. If I like it, I'll have several more Daryl Gregory books to read. The cover is haunting. I'm also trying to finish How to Fly. 

I did catch up on some laundry. And I have gotten a few free treats. Philosophy is having a BOGO sale. I wanted to buy some products to keep as gifts for a family member, so I did that and got some free 3-in-1 gels for myself! I also ordered a Grande Paperblanks journal with Amazon points. I've been wanting that journal for a long time. I'll sticker it up when it gets here and write in it soon. I'll probably finish my current Novel Journal tomorrow.

Day 6: I finished my journal with a Gelly Roll Stardust Blue Star pen from the box Leah sent me. I'll always love Stardust pens. I remember going to Astoria, Oregon as a teenager. It was a family reunion at a convent-turned-B&B. While I was there, I wrote in a Flavia journal with a castle on it. I wrote on each page with a different Stardust pen. That was also the trip on which I discovered Amy Brown's fairy art.

I started my next journal, one I bought at Barnes about a year ago. It has shelves of books, 34 of them with titles. I've read 13 of them. I have a lot of reading to do.

For some of the day, I wrote with a Gelly Roll Gold Shadow pen in pink. It ghosts a lot, but it's very pretty. 

Today, I finished reading How to Fly (In Ten Thousand Easy Lessons), poems by Barbara Kingsolver. I ended up liking it a lot more than I expected! I wrote down a lot of lines in my Quotations and Magic Words composition book. I also started Hope in the Mail: Reflections on Writing and Life by Wendelin Van Draanen. I'm jumping around, trying to find a book I can sink into. I have several that are late, so it doesn't really matter which one I read first. I've read eight books this month though!

Day 7: Today, I get some time alone with Josh. He's been working a lot this week, so I've been looking forward to this. I was thinking yesterday about the loneliness I experience and how mild it is compared to the loneliness I felt with my first husband (I got married at 19). This loneliness is hopeful, reaching toward the next moment of intimacy and connection. That loneliness was hopeless, knowing none of that was coming. I'm grateful to be with Josh, who builds me up and creates safe spaces for me, who always wants me, and who strives for constant kindness. He is often better than I deserve. 

We're talking about going to Asheville in August so he can run a half marathon. We went on three trips last year (Southern Pines, Raleigh, and New York), and I didn't think we'd travel this year. But I'm looking at tiny houses we might rent for the weekend. Asheville won't be a fun during a NoBuy year, but we can just enjoy being alone together someplace where we can't work on laundry or dishes. We'll see if my mom and her husband are able to keep Oliver. We were looking at a run in June, but it's on a Sunday, which makes everything more complicated. 

I finished 30 days of my dress challenge! I'm just going to 40; the dress isn't going to handle many more washings. I've read some more of Hope in the Mail, and I'm getting back to Best American Poetry 2021. Now, I'll try to read some of The Girl Who Drank the Moon to the boys before I go to Bruce's to watch Locke & Key!

Stillness & Attention: Week 4.

Day 1: Josh is thirty-seven today. We will see MST3k Live on the 31st. This year will mark seventeen years together.

The snow did come after all, just in time for Josh's birthday. We got about 4 1/2 inches. Our patio table, our cars, and Oliver's mini trampoline have quite a bit of snow. It didn't start until after dark. We looked outside at around 3 a.m., and the world was almost morning-bright. 

Yesterday, I read (inhaled) the rest of Ondattje's Handwriting. It was excellent. I plan to read more of his work, especially his poetry, if I can get my hands on it. That puts me at seven books for the year. I'm making good progress. And I'm excited because I've read two five-star books this year already!

Last night, the NCSEAA responded to my E-mail about the DGrant. Because I was a squeaky wheel, Oliver's account moved forward, and I was able to endorse his grant. The grant will cover about two-thirds of his spring tuition. We are also supposed to receive the Education Savings Account (ESA); that hasn't happened yet. But we should be in good shape for January, which means we can start saving for a down payment on a car. I'm hoping to buy one in March if Josh's car limps on that long.

This morning, I've been reading Life Among the Savages, which Bruce and I are reading together. He's well ahead of me, so I'm trying to catch up. It's hilarious with all of Shirley Jackson's subversive cheek. 

Today, I submitted two poetry chapbooks to a contest. I didn't think about submission fees and NoBuy2022 when I made my rules, but I've decided not to count them. This is the first submission I've sent in months. I feel rather accomplished, and I'm grateful to Josh who helped me format the page numbers. 

I unsubscribed from four magazines today and got a $35 refund. Since that's last year's money, I used it to buy a bottle of Diamine Inkvent Happy Holidays shimmer and sheen ink that is gorgeous: blue with red sheen and blue shimmer. Check out swatches here. I have some other ink on my NoBuy2022 list, which also includes a lot of books I intend to look for through the library. I found out that my library has ordered all four of the books I requested! I'm just waiting for the staff to process the books.

Going back to ink, Van Dieman's quickly responded to my E-mail and gave me a refund for the missing bottle of ink. It's not as good as a replacement bottle, but shipping is expensive. I told Peter that while I won't be ordering ink from him this year, I'll be back next year. I used that money (also last year's money) to pre-order Sarah Addison Allen's Other Birds, a magical realism novel, and to order Connecting the Stars by Marisa de los Santos (another favorite) and David Teague. The latter is perfect for now because it's for young readers, and winter is children's lit season. I have a lot of reading to do if I want to do the season any justice. And I now have three pre-ordered books to look forward to from favorite authors: March, June, and September. They're all books I want to own. 

This evening, I finished reading The Patchwork Girl of Oz (book 7 of 15) to the boys. That's book 8 for the year! I want to get to 10 this month. At least I've finished one children's lit book this winter! I have almost two months left, and I plan to read Peter Pan and the Alice books at last.

Day 2: One of the hardest parts of NoBuy is not having mail to look forward to. I'll just have to hope for letters. I have a few I need to write.

I've unsubscribed from almost all promotional E-mails and text messages. It cuts down on temptation and keeps my inbox clear for messages that matter. I started working on this in December. I had no idea how many promotional messages I was getting. 

This morning, I went through all the old clothes that were waiting in Oliver's closet. I sorted and folded everything, creating a stack of my clothes for the career closet at the college and a basket full of Oliver's clothes for Once Upon a Child. We've never tried to sell his clothes, but I'm hoping for store credit. He'll need a lot of bigger summer clothes this year. 

I made pasta salad, and I read the first chapter of A Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys. It's certainly a different speed from Oz. I'm counting it as children's lit for my winter focus though it may be more YA. My mother read A Wrinkle in Time to me when I was nine or ten, so I think of it as children's lit. I also taught the book in my science fiction class (along with other favorites Never Let Me Go, The Illustrated Man, and Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?), which is still one of the coolest things I've ever done. I'd like to do it again someday. But for now, I'll work on finishing this series I should have completed long ago.

Day 3: I went to renew some library books today and found that I can't renew Liane Moriarty's Apples Never Fall as someone has placed a hold on it. So I have a few days to read it. I'm not super excited about it, but I did enjoy What Alice Forgot. I'm hoping this will be a quick and absorbing read. If I can read Erdrich in two days, I can handle this. The deadlines can be good for me. 

I finished reading Life Among the Savages this morning around 4 a.m. Oliver woke us early and went back to sleep, but we couldn't. This is the first tiny-book-club read in a long time for Bruce and me, but we've read over forty books together. So I've now read nine books this year. I want to get to ten for the month. Almost there! I've also started Sharon Olds's poetry collection The Unswept Room. I want to read a lot of poetry this year. Josh has been in a very long reading slump. But he did finish listening to my reading Oz 7, and I think that counts. Maybe I'll read him some poems. We read Charlotte Bronte's The Professor last year (our first simultaneous read), and I hope we'll read more Bronte books together this year.

I'm more than halfway through my Paperblanks Valentina journal. I've picked out my next one, a Papier journal with heart-shaped lollipops on it. Papier can handle fountain pens, so I'm going to try out my new inks and use some samples. I still have to sticker up the journal. I may do that tomorrow while Oliver is in school. I've emptied 32 pens this year and set them aside for recycling. I hope my pen stores hold!

Today, Oliver is home for a teacher workday. Josh just left for work, and he'll be there until after 8 tonight. So it's just me and O all day. I read chapter 2 of A Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys this morning. It's harder to read aloud than the Oz books, but I like it. I'd like to finish it in February. I may go ahead and finish the last two books of the Time series before going back to Oz. We'll see how I feel. 

Oliver just ate half a McChicken! This is the closest thing to a real meal he's eaten in a long time. Protein and carbs. Now, if he'd only get interested in fruit again. Josh and Oliver go on a date to McDonalds one morning a week to get the real, greasy "cashbrowns." Today, they got the wrong order and ended up with McChickens. Maybe it's time to try chicken fingers again...Oliver's diet typically consists of beef taquitos, tater tots (which we call hashbrowns--close enough), hot dogs, vanilla wafers (bananafers) and Cheese Pizza Cheez-It crackers, with occasional macaroni and cheese or turkey sticks, rare grapes or oranges, and chips if he can get them. He does eat a large muffin at school each day. We're just happy that he eats at all. I thought I was a picky eater. Luckily, we found some gummy vitamins that he loves, and my mom sent us four bottles!

I've been teaching Oliver to open the trash can with his foot and clear his plate--a pretty exciting skill. Last year, we taught him to get ice from the dispenser and pour his own Gatorade and snacks. This year, we've already accomplished putting on slippers! We're making good progress on getting dressed. Putting on shoes, almost. Putting on socks, not so much. I'd love to get him to independence with dressing, socks, and shoes this year. We've made no progress on brushing teeth (we just got him to tolerate an electric toothbrush as the dentist recommended) or bathing. We should probably start getting him used to deodorant before he actually needs it. He's ten now, and a lot is on its way. Oh dear. 

I'm still amazed that, with occasional reassurance ("You can do it!"), he's potty trained. We really completed that last year too. I feel very lucky that Oliver can do this and that he has enough language to express his wants and needs. Last year, he said, "Wanna go lie down in Mama and Daddy's room," to let us know he needed snuggles. That may be the most he's said since he started regressing around age four. But he does sing the "Snuggle Puppy" song; I finally caught it on video. That's my favorite thing to hear, and I love his saying, "Wanna read a book," and "Wanna go find Mama" (he definitely gets the wanna and gonna from me, alas--I realized that when I used auto-captions on a class welcome video. Oops). He has almost no trouble telling us which Thomas video he wants to watch ("Wanna watch 'The Missing Christmas Decorations"). Yesterday, he even managed to let us know that he wanted to watch a duck boat video called "Amphibious Transport" (we got the transport part and figured it out from there). 

Josh commented earlier on Oliver's near-constant joy. He's always smiling, leaping, giggling. I said that he has no dread and no upsetting self-consciousness. Josh said Oliver also has no regret. Maybe we can work on reducing the presence of these in our own minds and hearts. Dread used to be a constant in my life, but that has gotten much better. 

Day 4: I wrote a poem! This is the first poem in a long time. It's called "Dark Laundry," born, I think, from reading poetry and Shirley Jackson. I'm thinking about where I can send it. I've had a poem in The Headlight Review, so I may try them again. I wonder if reading poetry again will awaken my own poetry writing. This morning, I couldn't have imagined writing a new poem, but suddenly, there it was. 

I've got discounted mealies coming today, some of which I actually have to assemble and/or cook. We'll see how that goes. I hope they arrive before dinner time.

Today, Josh took Oliver to school and then brought home the biscuit and Dr. Pepper I didn't get to have yesterday. He's so sweet. He's at a conference all day, so I'm having my first whole day alone in a long time. I'm not sure how to feel about it. But I've written a poem and started laundry. Music makes it easier for me to get ready, but Oliver can't handle music in the house. Today, though, I listened to Peter Cetera duets, On Your Feet, and Pentatonix while I showered and put on sparkly makeup. 

My janner for February is not coming until Saturday, so I'll be scrambling to decorate it and set up my DREAM boards. 

I went to the library this afternoon. Lately, I've been doing well about returning more books than I check out. Not so today: I returned one and checked out six. Oops. Checking out library books is one of my current greatest joys, though, so I don't regret it. I just have a lot of reading to do. I checked out two novels, three books of poetry, and a graphic novel (Vol. 4 of Locke & Key). 

Day 5: I had a phone session with my psychiatrist today. I told him that I've been having mood swings and waking up earlier and earlier (3:30 a.m. yesterday). He increased the dose of one of my meds. I'm glad to have a doctor who takes me seriously. I'll start the new dose tonight.

I cooked today. I made fajita chicken and rice and pesto chicken with walnuts and green beans. I used meal kits from HomeChef. Don't use HomeChef if you don't know how to cook! I couldn't find any instructions, and I had no idea what I was doing. I was texting Bruce to ask how to bake chicken. At some point, I'm planning to make an extra trip to the grocery store to buy spices, seasoning, and so on. 

Day 6: 

I finished reading Apples Never Fall, which was due today for someone else's hold. It was fine, 3 stars. Josh dropped it off at the library for me.

I made chicken and green beans again plus potatoes, this time with lemon, garlic, and garlic pepper. My CookUnity mealies arrived. I tried the avocado chicken burger, which was fine. Josh ate the sweet potato fries. 

Today, our new dryer arrived. It was an unexpected expense that cut into our car savings, but it was certainly a need. Luckily, Lowes was able to deliver it quickly. The delivery guys locked themselves out of their truck--while it was running. I gave them all my cash ($14) and a wire hanger. I guess they figured it out. That seems like the start of a story or essay.

I started Stephen Graham Jones's Mapping the Interior, a novella. I want to read as much SGJ as I can find. The library doesn't have much.

Josh and I write letters to each other in two notebooks/journals. One of them is filling up, so I got us an anniversary present to replace it soon. We've written to each other like this off and on for over sixteen years.

Day 7: Josh and I had the morning together, and something lovely happened: I took a nap! This is rare and wondrous. I continued to fade in and out after Josh left for work. I think it's probably because I'm getting used to the new dosage.

I had a couple of holds ready at the library, so I went there before picking Oliver up from school. I checked out the rest of the Locke & Key series, Paris Library (which I didn't finish before), and Remembrance of Things Past, a graphic novel. I've never read Proust, so I thought this might be a good way to start. 

I didn't read today, but I did finish three books this week, so it's okay. 

I went to Bruce and Corey's, and we watched two more episodes of American Horror Story: Red Tide. We still have four episodes left, and I have no idea what else can happen. I haven't watched any movies this month. I feel like watching something with Juno Temple. I call 6:30 p.m. to 8 p.m. the lonely time because Josh is usually putting Oliver to bed. I should try to watch movies during that time. Last night, I put stickers in the Papier journal. I finished Valentina and started the Papier with my TWSBI fountain pens and ink samples: Diamine's Starry Night and Winter Miracle. Bruce told me about Archive 81, which I may try to watch while Josh is around in the mornings. It sounds to scary for me to watch alone.

Tomorrow, another week of the year begins. I've gotten through four weeks without spending frivolously on myself, almost a month. If I can do one month, I can do twelve.

2020: A Well-Read Year.

Last year, I had a few months with almost no reading at all. The lack of reading made me sicker, and rebuilding the practice was slow and difficult. I need help staying on track. Not reading means repressing and hurting a large part of myself. Largely because of that, and despite my hard work at the end, I didn't reach my 2019 reading goal. I'm bummed about that.

So this year will be different. Last year, my Reading Challenge on GoodReads was 50 books, which I still think is reasonable for me. I finished 44 books. So I'm taking those six unread books and adding them to this year's goal: 56 in total.

Remember, I want to read a total of 1,000 books before I turn 40. That won't be easy, but I still think I can do it. I certainly have great books to choose from.

Bruce and I have started reading I Can Taste the Blood (not as gruesome as it sounds I think), which is a collection of novellas based on those words, which one author noticed on a public bathroom wall. Inspiration is everywhere!

Every day counts. And I'm starting in on my winter focus, children's lit.

A Bold Reader: Week 51.

I didn't finish any books this past week, but I don't feel bad about it since I reached my annual goal (50 books) and my extra goal (60). Maybe I'll finish one more before the year ends, or maybe I'll just focus on the Bible, which I now want to finish by my birthday (though ideally much sooner). I'm also behind on poetry. But I read some of my book on ancient Egypt.

I looked at Christmas magazines and passed them on to Oliver for shredding. I still have a Christmas issue of Bella Grace to enjoy, and it won't go to Oliver the Shredder.

Winter began! Fall focus was a fail, but I'm going to rock this children's literature focus. I began reading The Legend of Holly Claus. I'd like to finish it this week, while the world still has that glitter.

American Girl Memories.

American Girl is a company that makes dolls fashioned for specific periods of American history. I had two of the dolls when I was growing up. Each doll had a set of seven books that detailed her adventures and matched the dolls' clothing and accessories. One book alone would be too short for me to count as a book toward my goal, but I found cheap copies of hardcover books that hold all seven stories. I'll count that toward my GoodReads goal and my children's lit focus.

Just seeing the books has been making me happy. I have Felicity, Kirsten, and Samantha story collection books. They are bringing back some of my favorite childhood memories.

Playing by myself or with friends who had the dolls too
Saving allowance for doll accessories
Making doll beds in hotel rooms when we traveled with Dad
Circling the accessories I most wanted in the catalog
Getting bunk beds for my two dolls
Creating school assignments for tiny notebooks
Samantha's vintage Valentines, which I still have
Tiny paper dolls in Samantha's valise
Poring over the catalog, which I still do (I can't imagine how AG got my address...)
Acting out my daydreams

In Bright Abundance.

Bright abundance--two of my favorite words put together. I came across the phrase in one of Ann Patchett's books. It's the kind of phrase I want to roll on the roof of my mouth, tasting every syllable.

I love the sound and meaning and color. Bright seems white and silver. Abundance seems gold and warm colors, like a chocolate cashmere scarf or a rosy pink satin purse with a gold clasp.

These words leapt at me from the book, but the phrase wasn't really something to write in my quotation notebook. Still, I had to save and ponder it further. The bright makes the abundance extra magical. It reminds me of Sara Crewe's initial birthday party or of the enchantment in the attic (A Little Princess). Everything has a glow or a glitter.

I have a bright abundance of journals, books, pens, and eye makeup. I don't think I take enough note of any of them. I like that Josh searches our shelves for his next book as if he's at a bookstore. I can search for my next journal as if I'm in a stationery shop.

I also have a bright abundance of love, and I walk right into it. I want to keep these words with me and hold them up my opera glasses, so I can see bright abundance everywhere.

Book Arrivals: Roald Dahl.

Recently, I had an Amazon gift card and points from a credit card.

So

I bought books.

My first book arrival was three Roald Dahl books: Charlie and the Chocolate Factor, Charlie and the Glass Elevator, and Matilda. I can't believe I've never read these. James and the Giant Peach (Wonderful!) is the only Dahl book I've read. I figured that if I could add these three, I'd be respectable. More importantly, I just need more magic in my life. I'm excited to begin.

And I'm excited to see what book will arrive at the door or in my mailbox next!

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Maternity Fairy Clothes: Ozma.

I love the idea of Ozma...even though I haven't read the Wizard of Oz books. There's another children's series for my list! I only own the first book though. This movie Ozma is pretty swell though.

(Image: Return to Oz http://suicideblonde.tumblr.com/post/220305900/return-to-oz)

Anyway, here's that gorgeous maternity tank top again. The sequins picked up the green in the rest of the outfit. I want to wear that tank as much as possible. I think it will look like a completely different top with various colors. The black capris are probably my favorite maternity pants (besides the comfy gray leggings). I adore this cardigan. Mom and I each bought one at the same time. I love the buttons on the sleeves, and the emerald shade is wondrous. Green became one of my favorite colors (along with purple) a year or two ago.

The Ozma-worthy flats are on loan from Mom. They are all-around brilliant. I'm pretty sure you could touch the giant rhinestone, say, "Oz," and recover one of your Oz friends instantly.

I bought this sparkly Cinderella watch some years ago on Amazon. I'm sad because my fingers have swelled just enough to make wearing rings impossible. I keep wanting to draw a wedding band on or something.

Clearly, I like these earrings. Again, they're rather Ozma. The barrettes came in a set with two black, two silver, and two gold--a nice range for various outfits. The resulting hairdo is a bit cute, but those barrettes really hold my hair back. Plus, they're awfully pretty.

This outfit made me feel very pretty.

Maternity Capris: Motherhood

Maternity Tank: Motherhood

Cardigan: Ann Taylor Loft

Flats: Nine West

Watch: Amazon

Earrings: Boutique in Charleston

Barrettes: Wal-mart