Stillness & Attention: Week 9.

Day 1: Theatre day! Josh finished his first marathon while Bruce and I were eating soft pretzels and M&Ms at Durham Performing Arts Center. We saw Hadestown. I didn't love it, but I plan on giving the album some attention. Hamilton grew on me after I saw it. We did have a talented cast, including one actor from the Broadway cast and one Tony Award winner. I'll bet the casting call for Orpheus got really narrow: we need someone who can play the guitar and sing really high. The drive to and from Durham is always fun because we listen to Bruce's Broadway Pandora station (which includes a lot of Ben Platt and Idina Menzel) and sing along. 

Josh and I got home around the same time. I sat on the bathroom floor while Josh took a bath with my soothing bath soak. After he fell asleep, I took my own bath with Aromatherapy Passion: Tuberose and Ylang Ylang foam bath, which smelled wonderful.

Day 2: I finished reading Locke & Key 6: Alpha and Omega, which may have been my favorite graphic novel of the series. I've enjoyed the series, and graphic novels have been pulling me through a mild reading slump. I hope I can find plenty more that I like. Once I return some more books, I'll browse the graphic novel section at my library. I'd like to try some YA graphic novels too. I still have the graphic novel Blankets waiting on my shelf. 

Josh and I spent the morning together, and I made whole wheat rotini with tomato sauce and spinach. Mmm. 

We picked up Oliver today, and while we were in the car, I finished reading Peter Pan and Wendy to the boys. That's book 12 for the month and book 24 for the year! I really enjoyed reading it.  

Day 3: I read some more of Best American Poetry 2021, which I've been pecking at for a while. I wanted to finish it today, but reading wasn't easy. Josh and I had the morning together, and he tickled my back until I fell asleep--a rare nap! I went through some of my clothes and freed up 17 hangers. I'll donate the clothes to the college's success closet.

Oliver had a good day at school. We missed Josh, but he only has one more night class! 

Day 4: This is the first day of a new month. March will see the end of winter. I spent a few minutes in the backyard today, finding tiny clumps of wild violets, my favorite flower. I love the leaves that look like unfurling hearts. 

I finished my Punch Studio Romantic Love Stories journal today and started a Novel Journal: Anne of Green Gables. Novel journals are high quality, and every line is a line of the book's text.

I'm writing today with a pink Pentel Sparkle Pop pen. Actually, I've drained three of them today.

I have had a hard time reading today, but I did start reading The Girl Who Drank the Moon to the boys. We read the first three chapters, and it's a lovely book already. It won the Newberry! It will be a good addition to my children's lit winter. Late this month, I'll switch focus to young adult lit for spring. I also made egg salad today, one of my favorites, which Josh luckily likes too. 

Day 5: I slept until 6:30 today while Josh went to the gym. He had an appointment with his doctor, and we went to Academy Sports for running shorts and got groceries. I bought some caprese chicken sausage to try with pasta. They're fully cooked, and they steam in their package.

Josh and I went to The Habit Grill after all that, and I got avocado all over my dress. So it's now in the washer. It's in the upper 70s today, and I'm hot. Spring is coming, and I already feel like I have allergies surfacing. My chest is tight, so I may be using my inhaler today. Josh picked up some ten prescriptions for us. Our family takes a lot of meds. 

I've been writing with Krazy Pop pens today: gold with green glitter and green with red glitter. I've now emptied 60 pens this year. I just have to get back to reading. I long for cuddles. Tomorrow, I'll be on my own all day. I'm spoiled. I'm also spoiled because today I ate a French cheesecake parfait while soaking in a bubble bath.

Day 6: I received a glorious E-mail today: "Your disability date has been updated in your 2022-2023 renewal for ESA+. We need nothing further from you at this time." !!!! The status no longer says "ineligible;" it says "accepted"! I won't feel completely at ease until the money is at the school, but it looks like Oliver's financial aid for next year is safe. This is especially encouraging today because our taxes payment went through, and our account is quite bare. But we will recover! We have a little money from family to get us through until my disability payment arrives in a couple of weeks.

This has also been a good day so far because I have tackled my reading slump. Josh is at work, and Oliver is at school, so I made a goal to read for two hours straight. I set my timer for 2 1/2 hours so that I'd have a chance to make and eat some pasta salad (tricolor rotini, fancy shredded Mozzarella, chopped cucumber, zesty Italian dressing, and mini pepperoni [for mine]). I did it! I think I read for more than two hours. 

I finished So Far So Good: Final Poems by Ursula K. Le Guin. I have an odd relationship with Le Guin. I loved her Steering the Craft in grad school, but Bruce and I read her selected stories, The Real and the Unreal, and neither of us really cared for it. I decided to try out her poetry when I saw the book at the library. I'm not crazy about it, but I did write down a few great lines in my "Quotations and Magic Words" composition book. Based on all this, I will probably not read more of Le Guin's fiction or poetry, but I do want to read her Words Are My Matter. I'll place a hold on that once I catch up with my library books.

So I've finished my first book of the month! That brings me to 25 for the year. I'm a quarter of the way there! According to Goodreads, I'm nine books ahead of schedule. Whew. My reading slumps have not defeated me!

I also started and read 75 pages of The Year of Less by Cait Flanders, which seems appropriate. It's not one of my overdue books (yet), but it's what I felt like reading. And reading something other than what I planned is much better than not reading at all. I'm guessing now that reading a page worth of text takes me about a minute and 45 seconds if it's not very challenging. I wish that were more like one minute per page. Still, I was able to be still (though I was following the sunlight around the room) and pay attention for sustained reading. I plan on trying for one-hour stretches on weekdays except on Thursdays, when I can do two hours. This eliminates most distractions.

I'm more than two months into NoBuy2022. Yesterday, I was very tempted to buy an E-book. It was $2.99. But I didn't buy it! Peter Pauper Press has new journals, some of which I saw at Barnes and Noble last weekend. But I'll soon have Amazon points for a journal or two. In general, though, not spending has gotten easier. I don't browse when I'm bored or think about new pretty things when I'm down. I don't feel entitled to get everything I want, and I don't go looking for things to want. One of the hardest moments was when my pretty green crystal bead anklet broke last week, and I knew I couldn't replace it. But I'll get another anklet next year.

I finished listening to Hadestown while I got ready. I am getting attached to a few songs: "Wedding Song," "Wait for Me," and "Promises." I returned two books to the library!

Day 7: This morning, I had snuggle times with Josh and took a rare nap. I felt good all day. When Josh went to work, I set my timer for two hours, and I nearly finished The Year of Less in that time. So I seem to take two hours to read 100 typical pages of text. A 400-page book requires an eight-hour commitment. I wish I were quicker, but I'm just not. I may never be. But this helps me be more realistic about what I can read and reminds me that a book had better be worth the time investment.

I've been writing with a light blue metallic TUL pen. These are very temperamental and only write on high-quality paper. They write decently in a Novel Journal, but Peter Pauper Press gives the best results I've seen. I wish they were more functional because some of the colors are so unique: rose gold, champagne, and gunmetal. I've drained 65 pens this year!

In the evening, I went to Bruce and Corey's and watched Nightmare Alley with them. I love del Toro, and the cast was incredible. The movie was quite dark (del Toro's film noire, so yes) but good. I want to watch movies more often. I marked today as joyful.

My Top 10 Def Leppard Songs.

1. "Hysteria"
2. "When Love and Hate Collide"
3. "Rock On"
4. "To Be Alive"
5. "Promises"
6. "Now"
7. "Waterloo Sunset"
8. "Long, Long Way to Go"
9. "Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad?"
10. "You're So Beautiful"

My Top 10 Journey Songs.

1. "Send Her My Love"
2. "When I Think of You"
3. "Trial by Fire"
4. "Open Arms"
5. "When You Love a Woman"
6. "Ask the Lonely"
7. "If He Should Break Your Heart"
8. "Mother, Father"
9. "Separate Ways"
10. "All That Really Matters"

My Top 10 Showtunes.

This was not easy.

1. "The Phantom of the Opera" from The Phantom of the Opera
2. "If I Can't Love Her" from Beauty and the Beast
3. "With One Look" from Sunset Boulevard
4. "For Forever" from Dear Evan Hansen
5. "Prima Donna" from The Phantom of the Opera
6. "Helpless" from Hamilton
7. "Light" from Next to Normal
8. "I'll Cover You (Reprise)" from Rent
9. "'Til I Hear You Sing" from Love Never Dies
10. "Ring of Keys" from Fun Home

Nourish/Challenge: Week 19.

Tiny baby ducks are swimming gracefully behind their parents. I'm glad we get to see some wildlife from our balcony door. We see geese (they're jerks), goslings (they're cute at first, but as it is for many of us, adolescence just doesn't look good), turtles, an occasional sleek muskrat or terrifying giant snapping turtle, massive white fish in the pond, and pretty pairs of cardinals.

Bruce and I have started reading the novelization of The Shape of Water. I'm excited. It will be our 24th book together. We motivate each other to read, which is so important to us but easy to set aside. We don't talk at length about most of the books we read, but the bond of shared stories is still obvious. We're also back in the habit of walking on Monday mornings, which gives me a chance to talk too much.

On Mother's Day, Josh brought me some beverages (including cherry Sprite from Sonic) and a great Dr. Grip pen--I love them but haven't had one in years.

I've been watching Alter short horror films. That's probably not especially nourishing or challenging, but I find myself thinking about flash fiction and how it compares, especially in terms of character development. I'm learning. For practice, I could write the story of one of the shorts. I wonder how long the result would be.

Oliver has continued to sing and dance. He loves music, and he is determined to be happy. Maybe I can learn from him.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 16.

Last week, Bruce and I went for a morning walk on Monday after I dropped off Oliver at school. It's our new routine. The movement and the talking are good.

I ordered Ben Platt's solo album, Sing to Me Instead. I'm liking it more and more. Trying to connect with each song on an album is difficult, but I'm getting there. Most of the songs are soothing.

Miss K (Oliver's OT) told us that she is pregnant! She assured us that she would be back. I was so happy for her that I said, "Can I give you a hug?" So we hugged. Overwhelming happiness like that does not come to me often. And when it does, it usually flies in on mania. Not this time.

I've been singing so much lately, and Oliver has started singing too! I don't know how he remembers bits of lyrics, but it's adorable, and I'm sure it's good for him.

I've decided to start more manageable daily to-do wish lists instead of giant weekly lists.

I was brave when I agreed to pick up pizza for Oliver's classroom pre-spring-break party. I struggle with tasks like that.

I was also brave when I drove to Charlotte. Then, we went to Asheville in Mom's truck. Before I left, Oliver had leaned into my hug as though he knew. I'll write another post about the girls' trip. Spoiler: we had a great time.

I found this in my journal: I like a degree of challenge, a chance to be more myself, to change the story.

My Current Obsession: Dear Evan Hansen.

Bruce and I saw the 6-Tony-award-winning musical Dear Evan Hansen a few weeks ago. I walked in almost completely blind--that's what we usually do with shows that are unfamiliar to both of us. I feel so lucky that we got to see this show with our season tickets--no insane prices.

Song lyrics and titles sewed their way into my memory, so I knew I would recognize most of them on the album later--and I knew I'd come back to those songs again and again.

The story was beautiful like broken stained glass against the sun. I fell for Evan's ambivalence, his intense need for family and love, and the locked-up love he has without an outlet. I could identify with his sometimes unquenchable loneliness and the skinless-in-the-sand feeling of social anxiety and sensory overload. And I fell for other characters' experience too--the impact of suicidality on a family, the search for connection, the feeling of being haunted, and even the denial and the lies the characters accept because they simply must.

So I fell in love with Dear Evan Hansen. When the show ended, my mind shifted, and I knew this was my second-favorite show (Phantom, of course, is first forever).

Sometimes, a show wears me out, and I'm ready to go home and process it. Not this show. I was totally engaged. When I went home, I traveled to the songs on Spotify, watched online videos of clips and interviews, ordered a hardcover book about the show, and bought the novelization (!), which Bruce and I are starting.

I find myself singing--something I've started doing more often recently. The songs, even the rough ones, cuddle up to me and stay close. I like every song. So that's my in-the-shower and pretty-much-all-the-time music. Josh has let me borrow his big headphones. I'll get my own...pink or purple.

The intensity of my obsession will become more manageable, but as with Phantom, I believe Evan will always press on my heart.

We're letting the obsession continue. It makes me happy even though the rush can be overwhelming. My mom said, "I'm glad you've found a new treasure." Yes.

Restoration: Week 49.

Stories are like sparkling stitches, and I've been reading a lot of stories this past week. I finished one collection and started another. Though I should be focused on fall (creative non-fiction), I'm stuck (happily) on stories as if this were summer.

Bruce and I finished season two of American Horror Story. Murder House was dark. Asylum was darker. What comes next? I'd love to write for a show like that. I wonder if I could write something that could scare anyone.

The Michael Ball CD Josh found for me is my favorite at the moment. I remember my grandparents playing "Love Changes Everything." They gave me some good coping strategies.

I got to see Dad briefly. He was waiting with a Shirley Temple. Oliver talks about his grandparents almost constantly.

I'd like to discover some new Christmas music. I think Michael Crawford has a Christmas album. It's sort of weird hearing Phantom singing Christmas songs, but Erik gets to celebrate too.

I only have to buy for one more person, and I've got most if not all the wrapping I need. I even got some I like (hot pink with white snowflakes) for Josh to use. More and more, I'm learning simply to ask for what I want.

The other night, I was feeling rough. I couldn't do much of anything. Finally, I went to Target. I latched onto the red everywhere and the sparkle all over. That's when I bought gift bags and tissue. And always, I got a pack of Pentel Sparkle Pop pens. Another set to plant and grow.

Restoration: Week 45.

Major restoration: the new theatre season has begun!

Bruce and I went to see Hamilton. I didn't know what to expect. It didn't seem like something that would interest me much, but of course, with its wild success, I was curious.

And it was great! The rap-esque songs, the choreography, the lighting, the ensemble, even the minimal sets and costumes impressed me. It was a great way to start the new season, and it refreshed my heart. Today, Mama said that theatre is medicine for my soul. So true. As I keep up with the medicine for my body and mind, I need to remember the soul.

Bruce and I also went to see Bohemian Rhapsody. We liked it. It made me remember my dad introducing me to so much music when I was small. Those are restorative memories.

And Bruce and I have been watching American Horror Story. It's not what I'd call restorative, but it's certainly refreshing. What a brilliant new approach to horror and overall storytelling! I can't wait to see more.

I do feel strong; I used to have no tolerance for horror--I would be messed up for weeks or months. The idea of horror has always fascinated me, but I couldn't handle it. Now, I don't think it's desensitization exactly, but after my own horrors (I know real fear), my courage has deepened--an astonishing restoration. I see the scary as entertaining and thought-provoking. I often analyze movies for a long time, and I love talking about movies with those I love. My brother, James, and I take movies seriously in a way that may be unusual. I'm glad we can share that.

Oliver wasn't feeling very well last week, and a few days ago, we took a nap together. He gave up his nap so many years ago, but I felt I had him, little again, in my arms.

Josh and I went to 2nd and Charles with our free time on Friday. Josh spotted a Michael Ball CD (Marius in Les Mis, Raoul in Phantom). It has some great songs, such as Phantom ones he must have wanted to try; "Lift the Wings," a gorgeous song from Riverdance, "Seasons of Love," and "Tell Me on a Sunday." $4!

A year or more ago, I found a lovely purple T-shirt with words from Darcy's little confession of love. I guess $20 seemed like too much. But while we were there the other day, I found it on sale for $5! I also bought a $3 copy Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats. Cats the musical is based on this book, so it's silly that I've never read it. Cats is the last show of the theatre season, and I will be prepared!

This week was full of bright spots and some sustaining light.

Story Snippet: The Little Thief.

I have a confession to make. When I lived with my parents, I stole from them.

I stole books from my mother and music and movies from my father. Much of the spoils went back to their rightful owners when I moved out. But I still have Mom's purple Little Women and Dad's Goo Goo Dolls Dizzy up the Girl and Bladerunner.

Of course, they shared these worlds with me pretty freely, but I wanted the objects on the shelf in my closet. It's a need e-books (though I now love them) and music files can't fulfill.

The more I think about it, the more grateful I am to my parents for opening these worlds that often make life worth living.

Favorite Songs.

Some of my favorite songs, not necessarily in order:

1. "Hysteria" by Def Leppard
2. "One Sweet Love" by Sara Bareilles
3. Title Songs from The Phantom of the Opera
4. "Stay with You" by Goo Goo Dolls
5. "Trial by Fire" by Journey
6. "Melody" by Steve Perry
7. "If I Can't Love Her" from Beauty and the Beast on Broadway
8. "The Beauty Underneath" from Love Never Dies
9. "I Want It All" by Edwin McCain
10. "There's Me" from the Starlight Express concept album
11. "Mandolin Rain" by Bruce Hornsby
12. "When Love and Hate Collide" by Def Leppard
13. "Between the Lines" by Sara Bareilles
14. "What about Us" by John Barrowman
15. "Waiting in Vain" by Annie Lennox
16. "Flying Away" from Fun Home
17. "Nobody Ever" by Steven Curtis Chapman
18. "You Must Love Me" from Evita
19. "Falling Back to Me" by Our Lady Peace
20. "Out of Touch" by Hall and Oates
21. "Another Rainy Day" by Corinne Bailey Rae
22. "Paris Nights and New York Mornings" by Corinne Bailey Rae
23. "I Don't Let It End" by Styx
24. "Send Her My Love" by Journey
25. "Can't Take It In" by Imogen Heap

Favorite Songs.

These are in no particular order.

• "Hysteria" by Def Leppard
• "Send Her My Love" by Journey
• "Melody" by Steve Perry
• "Up on a Roof" by James Taylor
• "I Want It All" by Edwin McCain
• "Paris Nights/New York Mornings" by Corinne Bailey Rae
• "The Phantom of the Opera" from Phantom
• "Waiting in Vain" by Annie Lennox
• "There's Me" from the concept album for Starlight Express
• "You'll Be in My Heart" by Phil Collins
• "Rocket Man" by Elton John
• "Mandolin Rain" by Bruce Hornsby
• "Light" from Next to Normal
• "Guardian" by Alanis Morisette
• "Right Here Waiting for You" by Richard Marx
• "Trial by Fire" by Journey
• "Show Me Light" by Ramin Karimloo
• "Save Me" by Richard Marx
• "Ships" by Patty Loveless
• "When Love and Hate Collide" by Def Leppard
• "There's No One Like You" by Sarah Brightman
• "If Only Quartet" from The Little Mermaid
• "What about Us?" by John Barrowman
• "I Do" from Starlight Express

Soaked in Art.

--Doris Lessing

I love the thought of this. How can I get soaked in art, and how can I help Oliver get art-soaked too?

I have season tickets to the theatre (which constantly amazes me), and I need to renew those each year. I should also go to as many additional shows as possible. They change the wallpaper of my mind if only briefly. I should go to our two local theatres to explore and support them. I can relive shows through souvenir programs.

I need to listen to showtunes and other music daily. I can share music with Oliver--we can dance. When he's old enough, he can go to some shows with me.

I have several art books, and I ought to be looking at them and showing them to Oliver. I can also go to the library and look at big books of art at one of the tables.

Literary immersion is simple simpler but more time-consuming. I have a great many books that would sharpen me, but I can only tackle so many at a time. I do think that nearly any book can makes a person smarter, brighter. I just have to get pushing and go after the stacks in my room.

What else can I do? I can talk about books and shows, reinforcing and adjusting my thoughts. I should also enjoy film. Bruce and I have a weekly movie afternoon, but I can also watch movies alone.

I've already surrounded myself with reminders of what I should focus on--fairy, mermaid, and princess art; pens on display in pretty mugs.

What Would Be in My Tender.

Clearly, I've watched too much Thomas and Friends with Oliver. But I like that the Sodor engines have tenders. I like the name--they tend the engine by filling up with coal or wood for the journey. Sometimes, my tender is my house purse with books, journals, magazines, and pens. A "tender" package full of what one needs to get through a day or a month would be a great gift. My metaphorical tender would have literature in general, and at the perfect moment, I'd get precisely the book I need.

In the last month, I've probably bought 7 or 8 books. All were pretty cheap ($4). Maybe that's going to be my impulse buy! It makes more sense (and is much cheaper) than clothes. The books just seemed so wonderful and necessary. I've got to keep one in my tender and try to read more books than I purchase! Maybe I'll get a new book after each time I read two books. That might be fun.

I need music in my tender too. Showtunes have been magic for me, helping me get motivated to get ready and do dishes. And maybe I'd include some of my favorite soothing movies like Little Women and God Help the Girl.

Every day, I chose a pen to use for my journaling. The color and the effect (metallic, glitter, plain ballpoint) both express and set the tone of the day's writing, so I'll need plenty of those too!

Mirror.

The losses I've had, self-inflicted and blindsiding, permanent and temporary, seem to intersect or at least echo each other. This is what that sounds like now.

I feel like someone else, like I'm looking at reflections or symbols of whatever was formerly familiar. I don't know how much of that is sleep deprivation or the recent inability to focus on much besides scrambling through the end of the semester. I don't know whether or not, after the initial break, the world through the looking glass will be better, clearer, or brighter.

An Afternoon.

It's a gloomy afternoon. I've taken a nap and finished my Dr. Pepper of the day. I have reports to edit, but I've been reading an essay called "That Sunday" in Adam Gopnik's Through the Children's Gate. It's about Sunday at the Village Vanguard, an album born of a jazz trio gig at a jazz club in the '60s. I hadn't heard of it, so I had Josh look up a couple of songs on YouTube. "Alice in Wonderland" is tinkling along with the live sounds of '60s jazz club chatter, flirting, and wine glasses as Josh and I lounge against a sage green velour body pillow under apple green sheets. The thunder has just begun its muttering.