Nourish/Challenge: Week 21.

This past week has been a little chaotic. I had an internal ultrasound because of something the doctor encountered during an exam. I was anxious and rightly so: it hurt. But everything came back normal; the PA called to tell me the next day. I'm still waiting on another set of test results, but I feel like I can shape my days without thinking about it. It's a challenge.

I've been sick on and off, as if I'm constantly fighting something. More disturbing is my continued struggles with reading and writing. I've neglected my blogs as well. I'm trying to get back into my practices. They are vital to my health and to my sense of myself.

I decided to give tea another chance after my experience at the Biltmore. I found apple cinnamon spice. It's pretty good! It makes me feel writerly. Maybe that's what I need--feeling like a writer makes the practice smoother.

On Sunday, I returned to my bathtub-side poetry books. I want to revive that practice.

I hate doing it, but I cut my nails short and painted them glitter pink. I feel happy when I notice.

On Facebook, I copied a call for kind words. My brother said that I'm beautiful, wise, and funny and that I have good taste. What great compliments! I'd tack it on the wall if Oliver wouldn't immediately tear it down. I'm happy to know how James sees me.

Bruce and I went to the penultimate show of the season: Hello, Dolly. It was great fun as I expected. A group of older women came up to us (this was the third time) to appreciate my outfit and tell me I look gorgeous. A surplus of compliments! Normally, I run pretty well on daily compliments from Josh and Bruce. I'll try to keep all the kind words close to my heart. They nourish me. They also challenge me to live up to what the best people think of me.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 13.

This past week had a magical glow.

We went to the college where I used to teach. A professor we shared and loved was giving a reading. He remembered us. And my former colleagues seemed delighted to see me. I got so many hugs. I was worried; going back to the college was a major challenge (being my Rebecca self, feeling self-conscious about my weight, working with my limited social stamina), but it ended up filling me.

I then had two days of barely-out-of-bed depression. Mom said I'd probably spent myself. After that, I went up. I was full of energy, sleeping little, dancing, and singing. Bruce said I was "super-charged."

I finished watching a Netflix series called Maniac. It didn't do a lot for me as a story, but the cast impressed me (Emma Stone and Jonah Hill). Science fiction almost always lights up my brain.

And on Friday, we drove to Charlotte. I was ready to see my mom. I gave her a birthday stack of magazines. That's becoming a tradition.

Oliver ran wild in the fenced backyard. He played with a giant windchime that was hanging from a tree. The weather was mild, and I uncurled a little.

On Saturday, Mom and I went to Anthropologie near her house. It was inspiring as always, and a high window poured sunlight over me. I bought a small pink journal with Joie de Vivre on the cover and a mint-rose lip gloss. When Mama saw the journal, she said, "Yeah, you probably have to have that."

Later, we walked with Oliver to a nearby playground. I need to walk more! Oliver jumped in a shallow creek. I had a weird moment of forgetting what I was telling Mom. That started happening a lot when I started lithium. But this time, I couldn't do anything, and I felt out of control of my hand's making strange gestures.

When we got back, burgers were almost ready along with slightly-spicy crab dip. Mmmm.

Shane and I talked about Dear Evan Hansen. He couldn't find tickets. I fantasize about seeing DEH on Broadway along with Phantom.

James came over for a little while, and we talked about movies. He read a spooky story to me, and I was so impressed by how well he reads aloud.

We left to meet up with Dad and Michelle. Oliver's shoes and socks were wet and filthy, so we stopped at Target for footwear.

We went to Fern, a vegan restaurant. I had slightly spicy macaroni and cheese (I don't know what it was made of) with a large side of garlic broccoli. I'd go back just for the broccoli. Dad ordered me some carrot cake to go.

On the way home, I listened to DEH on Josh's big headphones. And I felt good about the life I was returning to.

Story Snippet: My Brother on the Stairs.

A couple of years ago, the boys and I went to Mom's house for a visit. The boys had recently been in a car accident, and Josh had a fractured rib.

We'd eaten dinner and were just talking at the table. Oliver went wild and up the small flight of stairs at the other side of the house. I went to get him, but with my socks on and the hardwood and Oliver's angry wiggles as I picked him up, I didn't think we'd make it down the stairs. I called out for Josh but remembered his rib. I called out for my brother, James. He was right there, no questions.

"Can you spot me?" I asked.

He came up the stairs and walked down backward, helping me hold up Oliver.

This is a moment I treasure. My brother was there, no hesitation, when I needed him.