Stillness & Attention: Week 32.

Day 1: Saturday. I met a major fitness goal! Josh gave me two prizes: Rainbow OPTX indigo mood-enhancing sunglasses (I didn't have any sunglasses) and three Art Nouveau Disney Princess art prints by Hannah Alexander! 

My black dress pants arrived today, and they fit! So I now have two pairs of jeans and one pair of dress pants in my current size, all petite. I ordered a try-before-you-buy pair of denim shorts (also Democracy). We'll see what I think of those. I also ordered a set of try-before-you-buy colorful yoga shorts in a smaller size as my two current pairs of park-worthy shorts are a little too large. I don't really need five pairs of athletic shorts, though. 

I checked out eight books yesterday. I returned three, only one of which I'd read. Oh well. European Travels and Arias need to go back; nothing else is due soon. I checked out two books of poetry. I'm excited about What Moves the Dead, which is under 200 pages. Oliver and I did a cut-and-glue worksheet yesterday. We're making our way through the summer packet. I did yoga and listened to The Testaments last night. Then, I read a story for the magazine. I'm very behind on reading. I have three or four stories waiting. I have three loads of laundry to put away and another two to run. Josh changed our sheets and Oliver's sheets while I was at the library yesterday--so sweet. 

The jewelry box I ordered arrived, and though it's not as big as I anticipated, it will help me organize. It's pink faux velvet, and I plan to put my favorite jewelry in it. None of my jewelry is "real," but it is lots of fun. The skinny pink cart I ordered arrived too; I built that myself last night. It fits perfectly in the awkward space between our bathroom vanity and the wall, with enough room for our scale. I put daily items like toothpaste, leave-in conditioner, and body spray on the first shelf; philosophy 3-in-1s on the second shelf; shaving cream on the third shelf; and deodorant for all of us on the bottom shelf.

I did get a big prepper bottle of vegetable oil today. I got ingredients for pasta salad and for rice and beans, and I already have everything for fried rice. And I got multicolored daisies. I put the good roses in the purple and gold glass by the sink. Oliver got Popsicles today--strawberry, all fruit, no sugar added, lots of vitamin C. They're one of the healthiest things he eats. We bought some Pediasure...we'll see if we can get him to drink any of it. 

It's getting hot. I put bronze glitter drops in my sunscreen. They glitter rainbow. The sky looks bluer through my sunglasses. We're at the splash pad, and Josh is picking up Baldino's for lunch. A bunch of balloons have made it into the gates of the splash pad. Kids are getting angry about them. It's getting hotter, stickier. Two young Mormon missionaries spoke to us. They asked to pray for us. I told him our son has special needs and his name is Oliver, so they prayed for him. We declined the fifteen minutes of evangelism though. I tried to be kind and make them feel they'd accomplished something. 

The kids' sub I ordered was tiny but good. I ate all the lettuce, tomato, and cucumber with the turkey and provolone. It's 1:35, and we've been here for three hours. We're going to have to use a bribe to get home. 

Ah, we're home. The ice cream bribe worked. Oliver must have known he was hot and tired. My Berry Pop and Cherry Slush energy drinks arrived. I want to get a lot of organizing done tomorrow, so I'm going to drink a grape Bang that I got at the grocery store. 

Day 2: Sunday. 8:30. I woke up at 7 to Oliver asleep next to me. He's still asleep now. He woke up at 4 today and yesterday, but today, he decided to go back to sleep. I hope he sleeps a while longer. Josh is out running 10 miles. We got to spend a few minutes together when I got up. 

The last two nights, I've read a story for the magazine, but I still have three to go. I didn't do yoga last night. Josh and I exchanged back tickles. One of my few memories of my Grammy, who died when I was four, is of her tickling my back, arms, and face. My Great Aunt Linda, who died years ago, used to tickle my back in her king-sized bed, read me fairy tales, and sing me songs. She lived far away in New Mexico. When she was dying, I didn't know what to do, so I sent her a love letter. She called me "Little Becky" because I was named after her daughter Becky.

I read an article from Enchanted Living and then read two-thirds of Real Simple. I skipped a couple of articles like one on yard work. I found a couple of books to add to my list. I'll never come anywhere near getting through that list, but I love planning my reading even though my plans are overly ambitious. 

In a few weeks, Josh and I will go to Asheville. I'll read to the boys in the car on the way to Charlotte, and then, I'll read to Josh in the car. Maybe we'll finish a book. I can't wait to lie in bed with Josh, doing nothing for a few hours. If he naps, I'll read or write or watch a movie or just think. I'll be content. I'll take a bath in the middle of the day. We'll walk around downtown and find little shops and restaurants. When was our last trip together? I guess it was New York at Christmas. I didn't think we'd travel this year. But we should try to take a little trip each year, even if it's just to Southern Pines. 

Josh's schedule is now in place, assuming it doesn't change (we never know). He has twenty-four contact hours, which means a four-hour overage. That means extra pay, which is good. Most of his classes are online this semester. So we're going to have time together every morning. On Tuesdays, we'll have the whole school day together, he'll be able to take Oliver to OT, and then Josh will teach a night class. Josh will spend more time working in other parts of the college while he's on campus, so he'll do more work at home. I'm glad I have a place to sit now while he works at his desk. I'm just grateful that he will be around so much. I can't wait to have regular alone time with him again, a few hours here and there. Oliver will get to see him more too. I think Oliver will be glad to be back in the routine of school when it's time--apart from not having the option to sleep in and do his summertime morning routine. 

9:52. Oliver is still asleep, and Josh is back and showered. I'm drinking a little bottle of sugar-free lemonade. The day is bright, and I'm smiling. I'm so thankful for this time in the study. It's my favorite place in the house. 

Oliver is up now, and Josh is giving him a bath--bless him. I sent out an E-mail to the grandparents about the birthday party idea. Dad, who lives in Atlanta, and Josh's parents have replied that they'll come! I spent some time making a wish list for Oliver's birthday because buying him presents is very difficult. It's mostly clothes one size up and books we can read aloud to him, lots of Newberry winners. 

4:52. I have laundry going, and I just made fried rice. As I was cooking, I realized that I haven't eaten today! I drank a glass of apple juice while I cooked, and I'm having another now. Oliver has seemed fairly content to follow me around today. I've done a lot. I organized my jewelry, posting some that someone will pick up tomorrow morning. I completely reorganized the wardrobe, pulling out a few more magazines; arranging the books I'm going to quote; and sorting journals by priority, brand, binding (spiral or not), and paper quality (fountain pen sturdy or not). I ended up with extra room. I found several journals and notebooks I'm not going to use, and Victoria is going to pick them up tonight along with some more sticky notes. I also found some unopened frames someone is supposed to come get. I went through all my hair accessories and found a bunch of headbands and barrettes I hadn't used; someone is picking those up along with an old Franklin Covey planner. Someone is also coming to pick up all those kids magnets I took off the fridge. I'm only stuck with a (new with tags) swimsuit and a pair of (new with tags) rain boots. 

Day 3: Monday. Oliver got up shortly after Josh left. We went through the morning routine. While he was in the bath, I went through our posters. I threw away one and posted several. I did find the poster I was looking for plus two more I'll put up on doors: a Becky Kelly one and a mermaid Bath one. Yesterday, I moved the Mary Engelbreit book poster to the guest bathroom, moved the winter fairy (my Amy Brown fairy) to the study, and asked Josh to hang the Richard Marx lyrics upstairs. I figure they're relatively safe there because Oliver rarely melts down upstairs. 

We just did another worksheet, writing sentences. Oliver ought to be doing preschool work. At least the next worksheet is coloring certain objects certain colors, which is closer to his level. I enjoy using the glitter daubers with him. 

So this month, Biden will make a decision regarding student loans. Will he forgive any of them? Delay payments further? We'll see. I expect we'll have to start paying next month, and I have a number in mind. Everything depends on what happens with our rent. 

I'm sending back everything from my Stitch Fix. I don't need anything they sent. I'm thinking about what to wear to my next board meeting. I ordered some on-sale Betabrand hot-pink dress yoga pants. They can be my extra pair of pants in my current size. A small pink velvet ottoman arrived; I filled it with all my tank tops and leggings. Then, I took the too-small trunk that had held them and filled it with my rubber stamps (which had been in three different boxes). I gave away some of my stamps. I counted my empty pens for the year: 195. 

I just did a major closet purge. I took out fourteen pairs of pants and about two dozen shirts. I'm still keeping a sort of capsule wardrobe of a few sizes. I've started reading The Capsule Wardrobe by Wendy Mak. But a couple of people are coming for the rest of the clothes. I found some more of my current size pants in the closet in Oliver's room: two pairs of dress pants and one pair of capris, so I'm all set for this size! I'm sending back the other pair of dress pants. I also went through all my shoes but only gave away one pair. My shoes are awesome. 

I ran two or three loads of laundry and put away three baskets of laundry. I did the dishes, cleaned the stove, swept the kitchen, and ran the dishwasher. My Discman belt pack and portable DVD player and case arrived. I haven't tried any of them yet. I did do yoga and listen to The Testaments. I read one story for the magazine. 

Day 4: Tuesday. Mom said she could keep Oliver the weekend of November 6--when Dear Evan Hansen will be at DPAC! Ticket sales open for season ticket holders in just a few hours. I want to get them for Josh for our seventeenth anniversary since we didn't get to see the show in New York! 

I keep thinking I have nothing else to give away, and then, I find more. Last night, I gave away a purple mini flat iron I found! I'd never used it. I have the strangest things. 

Oliver peed his bed terribly. I ordered a king-sized plastic zip-up mattress cover; apparently, it tears. Hopefully, the bigger size won't. "Breathable" mattress protectors don't cut it. 

I put Josh's posters away and recycled mine. The large downstairs closet is even clearer. Excellent. I started a load of laundry (Oliver peed our bed as well) and unloaded the dishwasher. I haven't done a lot, but I feel as if I have. 

I got tickets! Fourth row center! They'll be great seats, and the show will be so different from when I saw it front row balcony with Bruce. It's just three months away! We may never get another chance to see the show as it's closing on Broadway and in London and the tour may end. I'm excited. I hope Josh will like the show.

I washed and posted four blankets I was done with, and someone picked them up. I packed up the books that are going to 2nd and Charles and put them in two boxes out of the way in the guest room. I cleared space atop the bookshelf by my chair and on my ottoman. Now, I can actually put my feet up. My tray fell apart, but I had that extra teal one I'd accidentally ended up with.

I took Josh's posters up to the attic and brought down old art, which someone picked up. I cut and laminated many art pieces and put them up around the house, including my Hannah Alexander prints above my chair. 

I'm not crazy about the way the prints look laminated, but they're safer from Oliver. I just had to cut a little off the bottom. 

I ran two or three loads of laundry and put away three baskets of laundry while listening to The Testaments. I read a middle-length story for the magazine. I didn't do any other reading. I found four more nice journals I'm not likely to use, and someone picked them up. I'm so glad to have a way to give away nice items. 

Day 5: Wednesday. Ten days from now is my friend Melissa's birthday, and Bruce and I will see Into the Woods. 

Josh is working out. The sunlight is coming into the study. I hope Oliver sleeps on for a while. Last night, I did yoga and listened to The Testaments. I'm craving nonfiction, so I've decided to do what I did last year: combine summer and fall, short stories and nonfiction. That gives me a lot more time to enjoy both. I make my own rules! That way, Unless It Moves the Human Heart and The Writer's Library will also count toward the seasons. 

I'm so exhausted. I feel like I need to be picked up and carried, and I'm not even sure where--probably just to bed. I don't feel like I can manage anything--not yoga, not reading, not the magazine, not even brushing my teeth again. 

Day 6: Thursday. It turned out that yesterday, I didn't have any Ritalin. I'd run out without realizing it until late in the day. That was part of the exhaustion. When Josh got home from work, we took Oliver to his appointment with his new psychiatrist. She was nice. She refused to prescribe Ativan as it can sometimes have the opposite effect in children. But she did prescribe hydroxyzine, which some people are taking instead of Xanax, and which can have a quick calming effect. I feel better having something. We're now over three weeks out from that terrible meltdown. 

After the appointment, which didn't take long, we took Oliver to get the customary post-appointment fries. Then, we picked up my Ritalin. The JFON fundraiser at Chili's began shortly, and I didn't feel like going home for fifteen minutes, so we went to Barnes. I accidentally left my purse in the car, further evidence that I wasn't feeling well. I explored the partially remodeled store while the boys sat in the cafe with a peanut butter cookie. Oliver walked around with us for a while, and then, we went to Chili's. 

We were surprised when Oliver insisted on going to the mall, which was close by. We haven't been to the mall in years. Oliver was not happy about going to a restaurant instead. He took off his Crocs, tried to climb out of the booth, and got loud. But eventually, he calmed down. We were asking a lot of him close to bed time. I had the Guiltless Grill sirloin with grilled avocado and asparagus, and it was so good. Oliver seemed glad to get home and didn't go to bed much later than usual. I crashed asleep with no preamble. 

I've rarely been so tired, and I'm still pretty tired. 6:23. Oliver slept through the night, waking me at 6 after Josh had left for his 6-mile run. Two or three people came to pick up things. Someone posted a desperate request for boys clothes in size 8, so I went through all of Oliver's clothes and ended up with a bag's worth that will be too small for him soon. I cleaned out the kitchen cabinets and drawers. I also shifted the shelves in the study to make more room for my short story collections. I'm glad I've decided to merge summer and fall. I'd like to make a nonfiction stack as well. 

I just ordered three prepper items: a lavender can opener (I feel nervous not having an extra), a battery-operated fan (Oliver will not sleep without a fan), and three flashlights. I am at peace. 

Today, I've been working on that introduction sheet for Oliver's teachers. I've revised it and added a section on scripts. It looks pretty dense, but I'm hoping it will make their lives easier. If they see it as obnoxious, oh well. I'm trying to be helpful and give them and Oliver the best chance of success. They won't have the benefit of an RBT who is familiar with him this year. I've decided to print and laminate copies for family members as well, including grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Most of them are very much in the dark about Oliver. I don't think any of them even read my blog. We don't really hear from most family members. We're pretty isolated. Most of the time, that's okay, but sometimes, it's lonely or even scary. 

As I was typing that (and more besides), my dad actually called me. I had texted him that we were seeing Oliver's new psychiatrist yesterday, and he asked how that went. He also told me that he has accepted a new job and in November, he and Michelle will be moving back to North Carolina! His job is flexible, so where they live will depend more on Michelle's work in veterinary radiation. Because of the machines she works with, they'll likely end up either in Matthews or Cary, both of which are within two or three hours of us. My dad loves to drive, so I imagine we'll see a lot more of him. Lately, we've only seen each other about twice a year. Our travel is limited of course, both in transportation and in where we can stay. But we do have a guest room! 

Day 7: Friday. August 12, and I've only finished one book this month. Well shameful. 

I'm so tired. I think I've hit an exhaustion wall. I really need a break. Asheville is still two weeks away. But at least Josh will start being home more. My body is tense, my head is heavy, and I haven't done yoga in two nights. 

Last night was rough because for some reason, Oliver didn't go to bed until 9:45. We're used to being in bed ourselves by 8. I slept on the crash pad, and Josh slept on the couch while Oliver hopped and yodeled. When the boys did go to bed, I took a bath and read a story for the magazine. I woke Josh at 10:30. He came to bed and immediately went to sleep. 

Oliver slept through the night and woke up at 6 when we were still in bed. Josh went for his run, and I gave Oliver his bath. I felt so worn out. Josh came back because a storm was building. He worked out, and I finished Oliver's routine. I sat in the study, but I don't know what I did. I haven't looked at magazines in days. 

When Oliver wanted me to sit in my chair and play videos for him, I worked on adapting the introduction sheet for family. I thought, what would they need to know if they had to care for Oliver in an emergency? I made a lot of changes and additions. Getting it down to a front-and-back sheet was tough. It would also be good for a respite care worker if we ever have one again though I can't imagine having the money for that. 

Oliver played outside until the major rain came. Then, he asked to go to his room with me. I brought my book and journal, but it was too dark with the storm. I slept for an hour and a half. Then, I got up, went to the study, and read as much as I could of Arias. I also cooked tricolor pasta for pasta salad and put it in the fridge. 

When Oliver woke up, he'd peed his bed and clothes, so I gave him another bath, helped him dress again, stripped his sheets, and cleaned the new mattress cover. He ate some macaroni and cheese and watched some more videos. I didn't get back to my book. I got a work call, which was a relief. Now, I know the reception I'll get at the event tomorrow. 

Josh came home, and I went to the library for a few minutes, listening to The Graveyard Book in the car. When I got back, I finished making pasta salad, and we had that for dinner. Josh gave me a shoulder massage, which was another big relief. His touch is the most soothing thing in my life. We cuddled on the crash pad until Oliver wanted more macaroni and then a bath. I decided to try to write five pages in my journal, not wanting to miss another day. My cleaning out and organizing frenzy seems to have subsided, but I'm still very tired. I did read more today than I have in, perhaps, two weeks. My tiredness just keeps getting heavier. I feel weighed down. I post depressing things on Facebook. I do it to raise awareness and to be real. It probably makes people uncomfortable. 

I called our property management company today and asked about renewing our lease. They said they'll reach out to the owner and get back to us. Our lease ends at the end of September. I'm afraid we won't be able to renew or we won't be able to afford the new rate. I love this place. Oliver loves this place. I would hate to lose it, and I would have to move...especially in the next month and a half. I hope we hear back soon. 

7:17. Oh, thank God--Oliver is asking to go to bed. Maybe tonight, I'll catch up on sleep.

Stillness & Attention: Week 31.

Days 1-3: Saturday-Monday. The last four days have been a blur. Fifteen-plus people have come to my house to pick up things. I only had contact with two: I waved through the window to the girl who picked up my pink sequin high-heeled boots (too ankle-breaking for me, as I mentioned in my post), and Josh and I carried a ten-year-old telescope out to a woman who is wild about space. A lot of people wanted that telescope. 

I completely cleaned out Oliver's room, giving away all his size 7 school uniforms and tiny hangers (which we, for some reason, still had), throwing away all his wrecked books (keeping only the taped-together Runaway Bunny and ordering new copies of only We Belong Together and It's Time for Bed), giving away his spaceship tent that he never used, giving away his Oliver sleeping bag (to another little Oliver!), giving away his complete puzzles and throwing away the incomplete ones, giving away his Megabloks, and throwing away and giving away some of his toys. 

Josh found another bin of purses, so I went through those. I threw away a couple of very worn ones, kept a couple (hanging up a Tinkerbell messenger bag to be my park bag--it's in view of my loveseat. And my other park bag, which was for years my work bag, ended up in the trash because something sticky melted in it), and put several out with that other tote. One girl took most of the bags. The few she didn't take, I decided to throw away. I ended up with another box of skin- and body-care items I wasn't going to use; that got picked up. I gave away a cooler backpack as we have two. I gave away a lone baby outfit I found in an old tote (and threw away two stained baby blankets I found there). 

I slowly reorganized the big downstairs closet, giving us a lot more floor space and making the shelves more accessible. I gave away some back stock household items to someone who needed them more than we did. I gave away two boxes of flushable wipes that we used during potty training--everybody wanted those!--and an opened bag of Goodnites that Oliver outgrew. I gave away miscellaneous items I found in pretty boxes in my room. I gave away pajamas and a swimsuit cover-up I'd only worn once. I went through my jewelry and gave away some of that including a box of fun rings, which a couple of little girls will be using for dress-up. I gave away still-wrapped but dusty bath bombs. I went through a large stack of magazines that I didn't care to read thoroughly (I'd subscribed to them back when Oliver was shredding magazines to self-soothe...thank goodness that's over), looked at the ones I wanted to look at, found other magazines I didn't want to keep, and donated them all to an artist who will use them for her art. 

Since my little white end tables have arrived, I gave away the little wine stand I'd been using as a side table for my loveseat. We don't drink wine, and Nick bought the stand almost twenty years ago, so I was ready to say goodbye. I also got Josh's help in getting rid of some sadly expired beverages, freeing up cabinet space. What else did I do? I asked Josh to put a couple of things in the attic, including the ugly Rubbermaid tub that had been in the study. I cleaned out a pretty box and started keeping in it pieces that I will use in my next collage. 

When we were at Food Lion on Saturday, I saw a beautiful purple energy drink with planets on it: Alani Nu Energy Cosmic Stardust. It was so pretty that I bought a can to try. I was wired for the whole day! I didn't go to bed until 10:30, and I did a lot of cleaning out and organizing. The drink tasted like candy. I ordered more and subscribed to it. Later, I ordered three other flavors to try. Josh says he'll drink them if I don't like them; he drinks Bang. On Sunday, he shared his Bang Candy Apple energy drink with me. 

We spent two and a half hours at the splash pad on Saturday, so I read a bit of Joyful to Josh. One of the college's VPs was there with his granddaughter, so Josh spoke to him. I'd put pink glitter drops in my sunscreen. I noticed that my shorts were a little too big. Oliver actually drank some Gatorade, and he was eventually willing to come home for ice cream. I began reading A Knot in the Grain to the boys but didn't get far. It's another short story collection!

On Monday night, Josh brought home On the Border as it was a fundraising night for Justice for Our Neighbors. We got Bolder Border Bowls--shrimp for me and portabello for him. Mine was excellent. I hadn't realized that I like black beans. My sense of taste is getting more adventurous. 

Josh had a tiring first day back as faculty, having just finished the Jump Start program. But he'll be coming home an hour earlier, and I'm thankful for that. 

Day 4: Tuesday. I'm so behind on everything except organizing and getting rid of stuff. I did post last week's blog. And I finished my last journal. Now, I'm writing in one I got with birthday money. It's a spiral, which will be so easy to write in. I did read some of Enchanted Living yesterday morning, and I did yoga last night.

I've gotten rid of so much superfluous stuff. I have more work to do. I need to make my goals for the month. But first, how did I do on my July goals? Good question. Not great. I did enjoy magazines. I started a ritual of reading magazines in the study most mornings, and I finished two magazines. I meant to do yoga most days, but I did not succeed. I actually practiced yoga fourteen days. I did do longer sessions though. Another goal was to read eleven books. I ended up reading thirteen. The other part of that goal was to read five collections of short stories, but I only read two. And my goal of catching up with letters? I mailed three of the five letters I meant to send. So I didn't meet that goal, but I made some progress. 

My August goals are a little more specific. Catch up on (meaning mail those three) letters and keep up with letters (meaning promptly reply to any I receive this month). Do twenty sessions of yoga this month, and I plan to listen to The Testaments or another audio book while I practice. I've found that doing yoga in my room before bed is best. Read twelve books, which I'm sure I can do if, of course, I focus (stillness and attention!). Five collections of short stories--it ought to be more. Enjoy magazines--continue my ritual. Organize jewelry: another specific goal in my current vein. Journal five pages twenty-eight days: specific. And spend more quality time with Josh; I'm not sure what this will look like as Oliver will not be in school yet, but Josh will be home more. I do plan to read to the boys more.

I am giving away some of my larger pants today, 5 pair. I'll hang onto the next smaller size for now. I ran a load of laundry and ran the dishwasher. I put away two loads of laundry yesterday. Oliver peed our bed, so we have to change our sheets tonight. Oliver and I have been doing one worksheet a day from his summer packet, even over the weekend. The stack is slowly shrinking. I hadn't realized the sheets were front and back!

I think I'm going to try to make something similar to the Border Bowl at home. I texted Mom, and she gave me advice on spices. I've never cooked something this complex. I'm tempted to go to the store early as we're going to run out of milk. Josh says we can all go to the store when he gets home from work tomorrow. 

I cleaned up the study...to the detriment of the guest room. But I want the study to look nice when I come down in the morning, hopefully well before Oliver wakes up. When Josh got home today, I went up in the attic. I'd never been up there. Someone in the BuyNothing group had asked for plastic bins. I knew we had some, probably full of things we didn't need. The attic was not nearly as junky as I expected, and it was pretty big. It was very hot though. I found two bins already empty. I emptied two more pretty easily. I brought down a few things: Josh's old red winter coat, which I hung in the coat closet (he may need it, or Oliver will wear it soon); some junk like a shoe organizer with no hooks; and my old snow boots, which I posted on the BN group. Katie is picking up the bins tomorrow. I posted my cute navy Disney store jacket and my gray cape as well--one woman is picking them up along with the snow boots. And someone is picking up some yellow sunglasses and pretty scarves I won't wear. 

What else do I want to give away? I really didn't find much in the attic. 

Oliver's replacement board books arrived today. So did my Alani Watermelon Wave Energy drinks. I'll try that flavor tomorrow morning. 

Josh put together my little white tables. I put magazines on one and boxes of pens (and a mermaid box) on the other. They're very cute. Very cheap (about $27--still in that dresser budget!), but surprisingly sturdy. They just popped together. I don't need them to hold much. 

Oliver's psychiatrist is, for some reason, unavailable indefinitely. So we will see a new doctor next week. I hope she will give us her cell phone number as Dr. F did! We are going to ask for crisis meds such as Ativan, just three or four pills a month, for when Oliver starts having destructive meltdowns. I'm really hoping she'll agree. Meds in Ativan's (and Xanax's) family work in about twenty minutes, which could make a massive difference for him and for us during what would normally be a one- to two-hour meltdown. So if you pray or meditate or vibe, keep that request in mind for us. 

I haven't kept up with my five good things each day. I need to pick that up again. 

I decided to give up on Anne Frank's diary and The Awakened Brain for now. I'll check them out again later. I'm going to focus on finishing The Writer's Library. I'm a bit appalled that I did not finish any books last week, and this is not looking like a good reading week so far. But I have been very focused on culling and redistributing the objects in my life. I'm in the mood and have the energy for that, so I'm going with it.

Day 5: Wednesday. I didn't do yoga last night. Instead, I worked on my planner. I spread out on the bedroom floor. I didn't get a lot done, but I set up moods, habits, week 1, week 1 stickers, August events, and one complete Dream board. I was awake until after 10, when I realized I hadn't taken my night meds, which keeps me up. Josh put new sheets on the bed while I was in the shower last night. Bless him. 

I scheduled a Stitch Fix last night. I need some dress pants in a smaller size, and they're hard to find in petite. We'll see if SF comes through. I've decided that, with NoBuy2022 and my reaching fitness goals, I can buy enough items for a capsule wardrobe if I have significant body changes. My current pants are too big. I'll read another book on capsule wardrobes soon; I have one on my rainbow nonfiction shelf. I'm thinking that, at any size, wherever I settle, I'll not need more than two pairs of jeans, two pairs of dress pants, one pair of other pants or leggings, one pair of capris, and one or two pairs of shorts. My tops will still work for a long time. Most of my dresses will also work for a long time. I kept some of my favorite clothes from when I was much littler, so I'll still have those to start from if I get back there. I plan to keep some basics from several sizes in the extra closet in Oliver's room. I'll whittle my current clothes down to the small closet in my room. 

I got up around 5 today. The Watermelon Wave drink was good. I napped a little on the loveseat. Oliver had been lying sideways across our bed. Josh got up and sat with me for a little while and then worked out. I don't know what I did; I didn't read magazines. But Oliver quickly got up, and I did the morning routine. I started going through our many poster tubes while he was in the bath. I threw a couple of tattered posters away and set aside a couple to post. I'm looking for one in particular, a Flavia Amore Dream poster from the early aughts. I want to put it on a door. I found a lot of art in the attic. We just don't have room for all of it. Some I may give away, but some I'd like to keep. 

I moved magazines from the teal ottoman to the side table, so now, I have plenty of room for Oliver's lunchbox chips. I just have to make sure Oliver doesn't realize they're there. I'm so glad I have my big ink drawer now. I need to flush my fountain pens this week. My bottle of pen flush may not last long.

I napped for about an hour in my chair, which surprised me. Oliver played outside and didn't seem to mind. I feel better now. 

I need to revisit my LowBuy plans for next year. I've drafted some of them, and I plan to share them. 

I ordered two try-before-you-buy pairs of pants: black dress pants and lighter Democracy (my favorite brand) jeans, petite in my current size. My Stitch Fix preview showed no dress pants, so I'm not impressed. I'll try these on, and they'll come more quickly anyway. It would be nice to have two pairs of jeans that fit well since I wear jeans almost every day I get dressed. As I reach fitness goals, I'll narrow down my larger clothes to just my favorite pieces to keep. I need those size tags from store racks! I'd like some new black Mary Janes, but I can just wear my old ones or wear my shiny black T-straps if I can't wear my sparkly sequin heels. I'll ease the board into my style! My board meeting is two weeks from tomorrow. Today, I spoke to my therapist (lots of updates) and told her all about the organization. She's going to spread the word to her staff. 

I have a lot of work to do on my living room nest. 

We went to Food Lion, but it was locked up with an alarm sounding and all the lights off! So we went to Walmart to pick up an order of ten twelve packs of 12-ounce grape Gatorade Zero bottles (all Oliver drinks except the occasional mug of milk), which an employee stacked in our trunk. If I'm "prepper" about anything, it's Gatorade. He seems to prefer the smaller bottles, and they're nice for his lunch box. Gatorade has been hard to find since the pandemic started, but we have a good bit now! Even though it was getting late, we ran to another Food Lion. We spent over $60 on ingredients for rice and beans, a couple of things for Josh, and strawberry Popsicles (all fruit, no added sugar!) for Oliver! Gracious. We got home, and I quickly made the dish. It was delicious! We have leftovers, and I'll definitely make it again. 

Josh has moved all his workout gear except our weights into the ottoman in the foyer, so my view in the study continues to improve. I didn't get to spend enough time there today. Hopefully, I'll get more time tomorrow. 

Day 6: Thursday. This week is passing quickly. Oddly, Oliver went back to bed this morning and slept until about 11. I read a bit of Enchanted Living and then focused on The Writer's Library. I later worked on my Dream boards in my planner but didn't finish making them. I did the dishes, ran a load of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, and put away two baskets of laundry.

I posted a set of pens and pencils and two working book lights. Victoria picked those up. Someone left me a book: A Monster Calls, and it looks rather fascinating. My roses have bloomed fully. I'll take out the overblown ones. If only a few are left, I'll put them in the kitchen. I love buying flowers. I love morning sun in the study.

I completely cleaned the surface of Josh's desk today. No junk, no overflowing teal baskets or white art nouveau planter. He was impressed. And my view from my loveseat is nicer. I just have to file some papers. I threw away and recycled a lot. 

Josh's grandfather made this desk from the wood paneling of an old bank. It's huge and heavy. We've had it with us at our last few homes. 

I brought in the Gatorade with Josh's help. Another box of Gatorade mix just arrived, so we'll keep that in case of shortages. I guess we can pick up the little bottles from Walmart periodically. Oliver broke a glazed blue and white snowflake bowl, so I ordered some bright pink plastic (m- and dw-safe) bowls. Safe for him and cheerful for me. The lunch chip bags came, and I got them into the teal ottoman without Oliver's noticing. Soon, I'll be making his lunches every afternoon again. I hope to spend a lot of time in the study on school days, depending on what Josh feels like doing. Now, he can work at his desk if he needs to, and I'll have a place to sit. And the desk is clean! 

I cleared the fridge of a lot of old kid magnets (that Oliver cares nothing for) and school art. It looks much cleaner, and I have room for new school art now. I need to make a couple of additions to Oliver's introduction sheet. 

After I did the cleaning and brought in the Gatorade, I took a long shower. I used a lot of conditioner and body scrub and shaved my legs. Then, I used leave-in conditioner and brushed out my wild hair perfectly. I think my hair really wants to be curly.

Day 7: Friday. I slept until almost 7:30! That's late for me! I have a lot of reading and writing to catch up on. Today, I'm writing with a Pentel Hybrid Dual Metallic Moon Silver pen, silver with green glitter.

Oliver is still asleep for now, and I hope he sleeps on for a while. I've had my Watermelon Wave drink. Someone has already picked something up: a Melissa & Doug house sound puzzle that Oliver never liked even though he likes sound puzzles at OT. The same woman picked up the cooler backpack before, and she says she uses it every day. That's so great. 

Yesterday, I read a lot of The Writer's Library, but I still have ninety pages to go. I can finish it before I go to the library today. I have several holds ready. I don't think I'll finish reading Arias today. Bless Oliver for sleeping in. I love this light and this quiet. I did do yoga last night, and I finished disc 8 (of 11) of The Testaments. I may actually finish it before it's due! I didn't write my pages in my journal yesterday. I meant to stay up for that and reading, but I didn't. I'm behind on reading for the magazine. Luckily, the stories aren't especially long. I've missed two days of yoga and one day of journaling already this month, so I've got to be diligent. 

I can't believe someone reads my weekly posts and thinks well of me. I guess I mostly write them for myself. 

I ordered a few organizing products. I'm getting a little loose on NoBuy, partly because it's for organization and partly because I've given so much away. 

Oliver peed our bed really bad. I threw away the insurance trash bags. He even got my pillow. The washer is going. I just refilled my BCP. I need to make a GYN appointment for more refills. I hope I can still get refills; the BCP really helps with my endometriosis. Thank God Josh already got a vasectomy. 

I went through another size of pants. I kept a pair of shorts, two pairs of jeans, and a pair of black jeans. I gave away a pair of jeans and a pair of long shorts. I'll hang up the others in the extra closet. 

I have a teetering stack of books for 2nd and Charles in the study. I need to get that out of there, the next step in improving my view. 

Some time, I'll start reading the Bible again. Time has almost caught up to me (I'm somewhere in August), so I'll have to read every day. Maybe I should do that in the study...so it's rather depressing material for that happy place. Maybe once I reach the New Testament, I'll do that. 

I have the second load of laundry (also sheets, as he also peed his own bed) in the dryer. I still need to do the dishes and put away laundry. I finished The Writer's Library! Book #1 for August. A bit late: it's already August 5. Oh well. It was a highly worthwhile book even though I took two weeks to read it. I'll try to read Arias and something else this weekend. Maybe Pallbearer's Club? I read Paul Tremblay's other novels quickly. 

So it turned out that I had a lot of Amazon points this month! I decided to get a few items I've been wanting. My computer (a Chromebook) doesn't have a DVD drive and doesn't support an external drive, so I don't really have a way to enjoy my excellent collection of favorite DVDs. I'd like to watch movies more. So I ordered a purple portable DVD player and a case and a belt pack for my CD player (so I can more easily listen to books while I do chores)--for free! I'll be able to watch movies in Asheville! I'm very excited. And the player is purple: functional and pretty, always the best. Now, where can I keep it safe from Oliver's unpredictable rages?

I put away the subscription household items that arrived. We have back stock now. I subscribed to toothpaste for Josh and Oliver; having only one of something for them makes me nervous. I also ordered more prenatal vitamins for myself--no, I'm definitely not pregnant; I just feel better when I take them. 

My jeans came! They're a lighter denim than my other pair. They'll probably fit for a long time. 

I'm currently stuck with Bert and Ernie clips. But soon, I'll go to the library. I'll get in the car and leave the house for twenty minutes. I will go to a book place. I will walk out with books. It'll be great. 

Dress Challenge: Days 31-40.

Days 31 and 32: Pajama days!

Day 33: Many years ago, my mom bought me a light pink dress at Anthropologie. It must have been on crazy sale. But I'd never worn it because it's completely sheer, and I couldn't figure that out. But today, I had the thought to wear it over my black dress. 

I wore pink jelly flats with gold glitter, gold earrings with pink rhinestones (which I think I bought at Target many years ago), and Urban Decay Naked Cyber palette eye shadow.

Day 34: Since we're having some gloomy weather, I decided to wear two of my favorite cardigans over a couple of days. Today, I wore my dress with a champagne glitter cardigan from The Limited, Anne Klein champagne glitter wedges, my Banana Republic key necklace, and Urban Decay Naked Ultraviolet palette eye shadow.

Day 35: Now comes my other favorite cardigan: a charcoal open sweater with silver glitter. I wore my Betsey Johnson peacock necklace, black jelly Mary Janes with multi-color glitter, and Revolution eye shadow.

Day 36: Pajama day! Josh got home early and did all the driving!

Day 37: St. Patrick's Day was yesterday, and I feel like wearing green. I wore my dress with an emerald short-sleeved cardigan from Loft (my mom and I each bought one year ago, thrilled to find something in that gorgeous shade of green), a gold necklace with green rhinestones (a Betsey Johnson knock-off I found on Ebay last year), green flats, and Urban Decay Liquid Moondust in Horizon, which is bronze with pink glitter. I also wore Urban Decay marshmallow body glitter on my arms and neck. More exposed skin means more space for sparkles!

Day 38-39: Pajama days!

Day 40: Today is the last day of my challenge. I don't have to go anywhere today as it a teacher work day for my son, but I did wear my dress today--just the dress, no accessories or makeup. It is a good dress, and I'll think to wear it more now. 

I had less laundry during these 40 days, but the best part was thinking differently about my jewelry, shoes, and makeup. I created about 30 unique outfits with one black dress. This showed me how big my wardrobe is and how often I neglect it. During the challenge, I also gave away about 40 pieces of clothing. Wearing one piece for more than a month made me less sentimental (the memories!), less guilt-ridden (what I spent!), and more practical (that long-ago size!) about my clothes. Not a single person has commented on the fact that I've worn the same dress for weeks. I don't think my husband would have noticed if I hadn't told him about the challenge. 

So who cares most about how I look? Me. Recognizing it is good. I'll dress to please myself.

Dress Challenge: Day 11-20.

Day 11 & Day 12: I started the second ten days of my challenge. But these were pajama days.

Day 13: I wore my dress with a short-sleeved purple cardigan with sequin stripes, a Betsey Johnson fairy and crown necklace, and black Poetic License kitten heels. I wore Urban Decay's Naked Ultraviolet eye shadow--one of my favorite palettes. 

Day 14: Today, I wore my dress with a short-sleeved mint green cardigan, a blue and green Betsey Johnson ocean necklace (which Josh gave me for our 16th anniversary), and green glitter shoes. I wore Makeup by Mario glitter eye shadow.

Now, I will show you one of my favorite things: my collection of glitter shoes! I've been wearing glitter shoes for a good 12 years, first Big Buddha (not so durable), then Keds by Kate Spade (great but tight), and then Feversole (loose, many colors) and Irregular Choice (the seahorse ones!). I still have space for two more pair, so maybe I'll fill those next year.

Day 15: I wore my dress with a cornflower blue short-sleeved cardigan, Betsey Johnson mismatch fairy earrings, and light blue glitter shoes. I did "ice eyes" (pale shadow with pale liner) with a blue eye crayon and Marc Jacobs Highliner in Obeyge. 

Day 16: Today, I wore my dress with my Betsey Johnson pink crown necklace and magenta/multi-color glitter shoes. It was too hot for a cardigan!

Day 17: Theatre day! I wore my dress with black sweater tights, a chunky forest green cardigan, my Betsey Johnson peacock necklace,

and my Irregular Choice trellis heels with green sequins and gray rosettes. I wore Anna Sui trio eye shadow with Urban Decay Cosmic Speed black eyeliner.

Day 18: Today was cold and gloomy. I wore a glacier green long-sleeved tee under my dress with black tights, black flats with criss-cross straps, a gold seahorse necklace with multi-color rhinestones, my black sequin duster (to sparkle away some of the gloom), and Stila's Happy Hour palette eye shadow in silver and purple.

Day 19: We had another day of February temperatures though the sun was shining. I wore a lavender mock neck under my dress with black tights, lavender flats, 

and a Betsey Johnson silver snowflake necklace with pearls and purple rhinestones. I love snowflakes all year. I used Revolution's Fortune Seeker eye shadow palette.

Day 20: Today, I wore black stripe tights, a light peachy pink cardigan, pink flats, and my pink Betsey Johnson key necklace. I didn't end up going anywhere today, but I was officially dressed for day 20. 

Dress Challenge: Days 1-10.

Day 1: I started my challenge today. I wore my dress with black tights, green boots, a Valentine's Day cardigan with pink and red stripes, and Betsey Johnson key cluster earrings. I'll want to wear my boots often. 

For makeup, I wore ColourPop Flutter By eye shadow palette and Marc Jacobs Highliner in Brown(Out). The Highliners appear to be discontinued, which is a bummer. They're great eye liners that don't require sharpening. 

I've found that this dress attracts wrinkles and lint. I'll need to find a lint roller. I spent the evening at Bruce's, so I probably picked up some dog hair.

Day 2: Today, I wore my dress with black tights, a navy scallop open cardigan, navy flats with pink glitter hearts, and Betsey Johnson princess mismatched earrings. The weather has been getting so warm that I may be thinking about short-sleeved cardigans. I bought the flats at Gap long ago; I'd forgotten about them. I love anything with hearts. I wore NARS eye shadow duo in Kauai--gold and iridescent purple, Urban Decay black eyeliner in Cosmic Speed, and Urban Decay Game of Thrones lip stain (which I'd also forgotten). One of my major motivations is that I want to make these rediscoveries. 

I remember dressing my Madame Alexander Anne of Green Gables doll when I was eight. I dressed Anne in black tights with navy shoes. My mom told me that black and navy didn't match; what a bummer. I always remembered that, but now, it's apparently totally cool to wear black and navy together. Today is the first time I've really done it. 

Day 3-Day 5: Pajama days! Yes, I'm lucky.

Day 6: I wore a pink turtleneck under my dress with black tights, pink criss-cross strap flats, and my Betsey Johnson pink snowflake and bow necklace. I like the turtleneck-under-dress look, but I don't know if we'll get any more cool days. I wore eye shadow from the Sephora/Disney Ariel palette.

Day 7: Today, I didn't wear tights or a cardigan because it's 68 degrees, which currently feels like summer. I wore the lock and key necklace Josh gave me for our anniversary, a pair of light blue Mary Janes, and shadow from the Fenty Kilowatt Foil palette. If it stays too warm to wear cardigans, I'll have a lot less variety in my outfits! I need to find my short-sleeved cardigans. Tomorrow is supposed to get up to 78!

Day 8: I wore my dress with a short-sleeved pale yellow cardigan (the only yellow article of clothing I own) and my layered Loft pearl and chain necklace. During my first semester of teaching, I broke a strand of pearls on this necklace. I restrung it into two strands.

And I wore one of my favorite pair of heels. These are from Irregular Choice. IC is amazing; watch for sales. I actually bought these on sale through Modcloth. They're called "Cinderella's Choice," which of course made them irresistible. The heels, which are a little challenging, are white glitter. I wore these to the dentist last year because my dentist and her assistants love shoes.

Day 9: Pajama and cleaning day...also dress-washing day. We'll see how it fares!

Day 10: I hung my dress to dry yesterday, and while it's still a lint magnet, it did just fine after a gentle wash. Today, I'm wearing it with ribbed black tights, my green boots, my Banana Republic key necklace (such an amazing find), and a forest green open cardigan. I'm wearing Urban Decay Game of Thrones eye shadow and Wunder2 metallic forest green eyeliner. Ten days done!

Nourish/Challenge: Week 5.

This post is quite late because I've been sick all week. More about that later.

Bruce and I began reading Bird Box after seeing (ha) the movie, and we are liking it. The shifts in time work well as they did in the movie, and we like the short, glimpse-like chapters.

I was horrifically late to a meeting with Oliver's BCBAs at ABA. They were gracious as usual. We identified my priorities as potty training (it was finally going well, but now, we're going backward), communication (verbal), and writing. He's had some tiny breakthroughs lately, and I try to pay attention to those. Oliver is there, but so many obstacles are in the way. I feel like he can't hear us calling.

I started planning and writing down outfits for coming weeks. I check the large sticky note in my journal cover to see the clothes, shoes, jewelry, and even makeup I've planned for that day. It's even better when I actually lay it all own the night before. I want to enjoy what I have and reduce morning stress.

I got some precious encouragement about my other blog, Water in a Wine Glass: Learning to Live with Bipolar Disorder. I'm trying to give it more attention. I posted there twice this past week! If it matters to only one person (and even if that one person is me), it's worthwhile.

Josh's early wedding anniversary gift to me arrived. An artist on Etsy made it: a sterling silver band with a tiny silver open book. It makes me think of a ring that represents my commitment to myself, literature, health.

I got a purple bath bomb, and I was so excited to find a Claddagh ring, an Irish wedding band, with a big purple stone as the heart. My wedding set doesn't fit, but I'm now clearly showing that I'm attached.

I want to grasp every opportunity to be joyful.

Brand Names.

Growing up, I shifted from Limited Too to Old Navy to Loft-when-it's-on-sale. I remember one point, the first months of 11th grade, I bought one Guess? tee and one DKNY tank. I wore Mudd jeans and Delia's everything else. Otherwise, I don't remember caring much about brand name clothes or accessories. My dad bought me a sleeveless Ralph Lauren top and an RL jean jacket. I think I wore them out.

Banana Republic is high above me, but I do have a couple pairs of work pants from there--I call them money pants. Maybe I'll be able to wear them (I loved the stretchy Sloan fit) again someday as everyday pants. I also have a plum and lavender silk scarf I've used as a headband and an amazing multi-chain, multi-metal (silver, gold, black) necklace full of little skeleton keys.

I own a few items from Jones New York. When I had an interview at Borders many years ago, Mom bought me a gray shell and a pair of gray silk pants. Funny--we each had a pair of the pants but sort of shared the matching jacket. I also wore that duo to my first full-time teaching interview.

I love Steve Madden shoes. I've worn out several pairs of his shoes, especially the Madden Girl style. I'm having to say goodbye to a sensational pair of gray heels and of black heels. I wore them every week at work. I wore his bowling shoes for years--black ones, blue ones, and red ones.

I have two Kate Spade items. One is the beautiful journal I'm using now, with a painting of a stack of blue and pink books on the cover. The other is a collaboration between Kate Spade and Keds: slip-ons with magenta trim and all-over, multi-color glitter.

Of course, to say I have a weakness for prestige cosmetics would be an understatement. I've long loved Urban Decay and Too Faced, but I've also become interested in Marc Jacobs Beauty, MAC, and Fresh. I like heavy glitter makeup in whimsical, intriguing packages.

My other brand love is Betsey Johnson. But I think I've bought some faux versions of her jewelry on Ebay, and I'm okay with that. It's her style that I want.

So I'm a little more into brand names than I thought. Mostly, I think I try something, and if I love it, I can get obsessed or just loyal and excited.

Do you have any beloved brands? What do you think of that?

Top Articles of Clothing.

Before I began teaching, I knew very little about dressing professionally or even casually. I usually wore jeans (Mudd, tight at the hips and oversized at the legs) with a tank top (such as Power Puff Girls) and Vans. My mom had to help me a lot and lend me a lot of her clothes. But I think I sort of developed a sense of style, and I enjoyed getting dressed for work. Now that I'm not working, I'm trying to have fun with clothes anyway. I'm an advocate and an individual. These are some of my favorite pieces right now.

• Emerald short-sleeve button-down top. This piece is not only gorgeous; it also has love attached. I've always loved the top that belonged to my mother. She let me wear it when I read at a graduating thesis reading. A few years ago, at a time of much pain, she gave the top to me. I plan to wear it to a show this season.
• Kut from the Kloth cuffed petite boyfriend jeans. I got these through Stitch Fix. They are so comfortable and always make me feel cute.
• Champagne knit cardigan. This 3/4-sleeve, pale cardigan is thick enough to warm me up, and it is covered with neutral glimmer. It's from The Limited, and I bought it well before Oliver was born. I loved it so much that I bought one for my mom too. If I could only have two cardigans (tears!), I would choose this one and...
• Charcoal gray sparkle open flutter cardigan. I found this at a Loft outlet years ago. I wear it with jeans or with a dress. It makes me feel like some kind of night fairy.
• Pinstripe leggings. These are from Loft (wait for those 40% off days!). They have an elastic waist but look like regular pants. They're comfortable, and I love pinstripes.
• Rose-pink velvet top with ruffled short sleeves and all-over glitter. I got this at Old Navy for $7! I l love pieces that really sparkle boldly, and the color is flattering.
• Baby pink sweater with white snowflakes. I found this on super sale at Loft. It's so pretty and cozy, and I'm way into pink right now. I've loved snowflakes since I was 12.
• Black hip-length cape. I bought this from Piperlime the winter after Oliver was born. I love the old-fashioned style. My childhood self would have wept with wonder to have this. I like honoring my childhood self when an opportunity arises.
• My lilac coat from Loft. I wore out my last coat, so I watched this one online until it was 50% off. The color is just lovely. The coat is heavy and war without feeling bulky. I no longer try to go out without a coat.
• Dark blue, Queen Anne neckline, white heart print dress. I love heart print, and it's so hard to find. I only had one heart-print cardigan, but then, my stylist at Stitch Fix found this dress! I'll wear it to shows and at any other time I can.

I'm thankful that lately, I've been able to buy some pieces that fit the current reality of my body. I feel blessed. Bigger sizes that fit well are so much better than smaller sizes that are miserable.

I'm figuring out how to be cute and comfortable just as I am.

Some Stuff I Just Love Right Now.

• Makeup Remover Farmacy Green Clean Makeup Meltaway Cleansing Balm. Long name, but just a little of the balm quickly wipes away my eye makeup, whatever pigment or glitter I'd been wearing.
• Pentel Sparkle Pop Pens. The truth? I buy a pack each time I go to Target.
• The poet Mary Oliver.
• Peter Pauper Press journals, of course.
• Character sticky flags (get 'em here). I use them in every book I read.
• Leggings that pass as pants.
• Tiny owls.
• Blush.
• Black metal jewelry.
• Socks with shea butter.
• Lilac scent.
• My black washcloths with white hearts.
• Wearing pink.
• My Disney Princess pajamas.
• A blue glitter notebook from Mom, which I use for lists such as Books and Writers to Read, Story Ideas, and Movies to Watch.

The Closet of Hope.

I wrote this at the top of a page of my journal. I don't know what it means or what I was thinking about at the time. It makes me think of Francesca Lia Block's character Weetzie Bat, whose friend's grandmother had the most amazing wardrobe. All that beauty enveloped Weetzie.

I have a closet full of clothes I hope I can wear again someday. And then, I have what I call the Wardrobe of Acceptance, which is in a literal wicker wardrobe. I'm still going to try to lose significant weight, but I need something to wear in the meantime. I imagine a lot of those bigger clothes in a storage unit in Rockingham, about half way between Mom and me. Whenever one of us gains weight, we can shop the storage unit.

Alexandra Stoddard, a lifestyle writer I adore, wrote about making a collage of art postcards on the inside of a closet door.

Closets tend to get the "scary" label, but I'd much rather see them as magical. They always seem to hide something wonderful, like silver peacock heels or polka dot towels.

Restoration: Week 41.

This week has not been as restorative as I would have liked. I didn't finish any books, but I was reading. I think reading always restores me, perhaps especially when I read poetry aloud.

Bruce took me to see Bad Times at the El Royale, which was weird and...fun? I couldn't take it seriously.

I'm terrible about putting away my still-clean clothes. So a laundry basket has been growing beyond its borders with clothes I've laid out. Tackling the task of putting away all those clothes was beyond me. I felt something akin to fear. But this last week, I had an idea. I set my timer on my phone to 30 minutes. I worked for half an hour, and when I heard the timer, I stopped. It wasn't scary when I knew I could leave it soon. And I've been making good progress. I'm thinking about keeping that 30 minutes to address an issue in our room or just work on cleaning and organizing our room.

Long talks with Mom almost always restores me (except when something terrible has happened). We talked on the phone a lot. The subject was far from happy, but we still made each other laugh.

I've been off soda for about two weeks, and it had better contribute to weight loss and general health because I hate it. I will say, though, that it has made me a little more confident in my self-control. It seems a bit pathetic, but I've turned off one of my major sources of happiness. Still, this is an effort to restore my health.

Stitch Fix: What I Do and Don't Like to Wear.

I recently started using Stitch Fix, and it's made me think more about my personal style and what I do and don't want to wear, even down to accessories and other details. Stitch Fix sends you five items per fix for a $20 styling fee, which then goes toward anything you like and keep. You can just send the rest back for free. Do you want to try it? Use this link, and we'll both get $25 credits:
here!

So these are some of my personal preferences (a lot of what I dislike on myself looks great on someone else).

I don't like wearing

• Pointed-toed shoes
• Open-toed shoes
• Distressed denim
• Orange 
• Yellow
• Hoop earrings
• Windbreaker-style jackets
• Stilettos 
• Cropped tops
• Cargo pockets
• Back pockets with flaps
• Pencil skirts
• Animal prints
• Geometric prints
• Puffy outerwear
• Tassels

I do like wearing

• Round-toe shoes
• Dark denim
• Blush
• Gray
• Purple
• Green
• Black
• Light blue
• Pinstripes
• Mary Jane shoes
• Necklaces with charms or rhinestones/crystals
• Chandelier earrings
• Rhinestones, sequins, glitter, etc. on everything
• Wedge heels
• A-line, empire waist, and swing dresses
• Polka dots
• Star and heart prints
• Toms and similar slip-on styles
• Inspiring, literary, or fantasy-detailed graphic tees (especially Disney!)
• Unusual cardigans (I think I already own all the usual ones!)

My Style.

I recently received a free trial from a clothing subscription. The style quizzes and comment boxes made me think about what my style is.

As a teenager, I wore tanks and flare jeans with trainers. Before that, I wore leggings and a Broadway show T-shirts or sweatshirts (my grandfather sent me plenty of shirts).

When I started teaching, I was clueless. I borrowed clothes from Mom, and she helped me put together a small work wardrobe. I remember my first purchases: gray dress pants, a black dress with ruffles at the neck, two black cardigans, and eventually, a statement necklace with faux pearls. I ended up building my style day by day.

Now, I don't wear a lot of my work clothes. Many pieces don't fit, but I try to use the ones that do. My style has shifted, and figuring out how to define that is a challenge. Here's how I tried to define or at least describe my style:

• I want to sparkle. Glitter, metallic thread, sequins, beading, rhinestones...Seriously, make me shimmer. Everything should glint or glimmer. It's an enchantment that helps me confirm and protect my sense of self.
• I'm a stay-at-home parent to a child with special needs. I drive a lot, so I have to be comfortable, but I'm also a mental health advocate for my son and myself, so I need to look competent. 
• I've gained a lot of weight on medication, so I'm building a small wardrobe to use until I lose the weight.
• I like swing dresses and dresses with empire waists. A-line and flare work for me.
• I don't wear open-toe shoes. Ever.
• My favorite colors are purple and green. I also like to wear grays, black, and blush.
• I go to the theatre about once a month, and I like to dress up for that. I have a fantasy of wearing a different dress to every show.
• I like Mary Janes.
• I love cardigans.
• In pants, I need a curvy, petite fit.
• I don't like to wear animal prints. 
• I like long necklaces with cluster pendants.
• I like statement necklaces (bib) that glitter.
• I like chandelier earrings. Sparkle!

My Relationship with Green.

I don't remember much about my relationship with green while I was growing up. Maybe it reminds me of Girl Scouts. I also remember a forest green knit skirt and matching top. It made me feel grown up. From ages 12 to 15, I was a competitive Irish step dancer, so I formed a connection with kelly green especially.

Green didn't really make my list of potential favorite colors. The shift may have happened when I was an older teenager, and my mom bought a gorgeous, silky green button-down top. It was one of the prettiest things I'd ever seen. She let me wear it for my public reading for my MFA, and it boosted my confidence. Fairly recently, she gave me the shirt. Amazing. I need to wear it to the theatre.

Anyway, I was a purple girl, Mom was a pink girl, but we both fell in love with green. When I started teaching, I had to figure out what to wear and how to wear it. I had almost nothing that was work-appropriate, so Mom and I often tried on clothes together at Loft. We found this beautiful emerald short-sleeved cardigan and loved it so much that we each bought one.

We also found a gorgeous moss green crushed velvet jacket, which Mom said I deserved. When Mom thinks I deserve something, I take it seriously.

Green makes me feel awake and alive. It empowers me, whether it's a shirt, a pen, or some awesome green eye makeup.

Clothes That Tell Stories.

I used to have to Disney princess T-shirts, pink and purple. I don't remember what was on them. But when a family member was ill several years ago, Josh brought these along with other clothes. I hadn't know how comforting having one's own clothes is, especially if the pieces represent something of one's personality. Unfortunately, they had been getting too small (my fault or the dryer's?). Nothing was going to fit quite right again.

My black, off-the-shoulder dress with the fuschia crinoline for a big flair is still in my closet. It looked great on me. I don't remember where it came from. I wore it for some important events many years ago. The crinoline irritated my legs. But a few years later, I wore the dress to my grad school graduation. I'd had to work especially hard to graduate. But I was certainly not the same girl who had worn the dress before. I was about five years older, I was married to a man who wanted me, and I was fighting to nurture my writing and creativity

I now have Mom's beautiful, silky emerald shirt that I'd loved for years. I wore it on loan for my public reading at Queens. It gave me confidence. Now, it's in my closet, ready to give me confidence again.

My current favorite jeans feel like mercy. They stretch so well to accommodate me.