Stillness & Attention: Week 34.

Day 1: Saturday. Today is my darling friend Melissa's birthday. I sent her a pretty little Papaya card with a reasonable amount of glitter on it. She and I were best friends during much of high school and college. She's living her dream, raising three adorable children with her husband and working as a middle school librarian. 

When I woke up at 7, the boys were up, the morning routine was done, and Josh was working out. Bless him. And more good news: I met a fitness goal! Also, I'm halfway to my goal weight! It took about three and a half months to get here. I still have a long way to go, but I'm a little more confident. So I have a couple of prizes in my future, but I don't have them yet. Maybe I'll find them in Asheville. 

Oliver soon wanted to go get "cashbrowns." I wore purple athletic shorts, a purple tee with a Jane Austen quotation, purple glitter shoes, and my Ariel jacket. We went to McD and then went to get groceries. We spent a startling amount on food, and I had crossed out a lot of items I'd planned on getting. I did get ingredients for fried rice, pasta salad, and asparagus scramble--scrambled eggs with chopped asparagus and goat cheese crumbles, which Josh says he'll eat! We got more frozen fruit, strawberries and a mix of berries. I got four cups of vanilla yogurt, which I'm really going to try to start eating. We got extra shells and cheese, extra crackers, and extra breakfast sandwiches for Oliver. We also got some Nutella to see if we can tempt him with "chocolate toast." It has some iron! I got pink roses with baby's breath for the study. 

Putting away the groceries took a while. We won't go shopping again until after our trip. Josh has taken Oliver to get a haircut; he seemed eager to go. Into the Woods is today. I don't really feel like getting ready and going out, but I'm sure I'll have a wonderful time. I am caught up on reading for the magazine again. I added all of Oliver's shoes (pull-on sneakers, slippers, water shoes, and Crocs) in the next size up (mens' 8!) to Oliver's birthday wish list. Practical! 

They're already back! Oliver seems to enjoy his haircuts, like a little spa outing. 

I didn't end up doing any reading today. But it was a good day. I showered and shaved my legs (no cuts!), put on a teal cotton swing dress and white glitter shoes, put a lot of leave-in conditioner in my hair, and wore sparkly makeup: Hard Candy Frigid turquoise shadow, metallic purple eyeliner, and Fenty diamond pink glitter highlighter. I totally forgot to put on some fun jewelry, but I stuffed my wallet and phone into my green metallic theatre purse and grabbed a mask. Bruce picked me up. Normally, we'd walk over, but the weather was gloomy, and he's recovering from a jellyfish sting. 

The show was wonderful. The all-teenage cast had some great singers and actors. And they prepared for the show in three weeks! Amazing! The libretto, blocking, and complex ensemble cast are extremely challenging for any company. They left nothing out, not shying away from "Hello, Little Girl" or "Moment in the Woods" or Rapunzel's PPD. I was impressed. "Giants in the Sky," one of my favorites, did not disappoint. I plan on coming to next summer's performance, and we're going to catch at least a couple of shows next season! 

My other dresses arrived, and the smaller size fit! Short sleeves, fit and flare, just below the knee, with pockets!  It will be cute with tights and boots too, so I'll wear it all year. Maybe I'll wear it for another forty-day challenge. That's the winner. I plan on buying some other colors with points. I prepared all my other returns. Oliver gets his COVID booster shot on Monday, so we'll go to the UPS store after that. We're going to try out his hydroxyzine that morning and see what it does, if anything. Maybe it will make the shot easier. In any case, it will indicate how much the meds will help with meltdowns. 

Day 2: Sunday. I did yoga last night and listened to The Graveyard Book. I meant to read more before I went to sleep, but I did not. Instead, I slept for over eleven hours, waking up around 7:45 when Josh told me that Oliver had peed our bed. He got our sheets and blankets (as well as his own), so I have a lot of laundry to do. Josh did the morning routine with Oliver; bless him. A storm came through with thunder and lightning, delaying Josh's run. 

I had a cup of yogurt and some apple juice for breakfast. The yogurt is pretty good. I do want to start getting back in the habit of getting up earlier before school starts. In under two weeks, we'll meet Oliver's new teachers. I'm working on three loads of laundry. I did a bunch of cleaning up, mostly around my ottoman. I also made a strawberry smoothie and poured it into the new Popsicle molds. We'll see if Oliver is interested. I didn't put in much Pediasure. We've almost gone through a whole big bag of frozen strawberries. 

I fell down the stairs this morning. All the way down on my back, fast. I wasn't hurt, but I may be sore and bruised tomorrow. 

Oliver and I have done two and a half worksheets today. He doesn't seem to mind. He identified several little objects on them: ducks, dinosaurs, baseballs, trains. It amazes me that children can always identify dinosaurs and dogs though they all look so different.

The world is getting stormy again. I need to turn on the big lamp. I made fried rice with extra vegetables. I finished reading FWDGF; that's 99 books for the year! I've nearly reached my goal. I think six books a month for the rest of the year is a reasonable goal. I'd like to get to one thousand books total by my next birthday; I'm in the 930s now. 

Josh and I put on the new plastic mattress cover and remade our bed. I have a lot of laundry to put away tomorrow. Victoria is coming to pick up the four mattress protectors we no longer need, which will free up a lot of space in our linen closet. 

Day 3: Monday. Oliver peed his bed and his pillow, so I ran another load of laundry, loaded and ran the dishwasher, did some picking up, and put away three baskets of laundry. 

I got an E-mail from our property management company. It didn't acknowledge my phone call but did ask if we'd like to renew our lease and said the rent would go up an amount we can handle with Josh's raise this year. I'm enormously relieved. Josh doesn't seem particularly relieved or surprised. I feel great knowing we won't have to move Oliver, which would be a terrible adjustment for him. We won't have to search for something else decent that we can afford or have to think about moving back into an apartment. This takes a huge worry away. We have another year here, close to Josh's work and Oliver's school. 

This morning, I slept until 8:30! Amazing. Oliver slept on. I was sore from yesterday's fall down the stairs. Josh had already worked out and done Oliver's morning routine before Oliver had gone back to bed. At 9, I put on pink shorts, a green tank, and gray glitter shoes, and we woke Oliver. We gave him hydroxyzine. He stayed pretty mellow as we went to Walgreens for his COVID booster shot. He was a little wary of getting in the chair, jerked slightly, and was a little mad afterward, but it went pretty well. We got him some Doritos. When we got home, I popped out one of the Pediasure Popsicles. Oliver did a double take and asked for it. Over the next couple of hours, he ate six little pops, a smoothie's worth! I tried giving him macaroni with broccoli mixed in--nope. But he is getting a little more open to food. 

We did the rest of that worksheet today, cutting and gluing. He was able to find the right numbers. He doesn't seem to mind doing the worksheets now. I endorsed his ESA+ funds for school today. I feel really tender and protective toward him tonight. I'll feel better once we're all in the routine of school. Josh and I need the alone time, and Oliver needs the structure and the break from house and from us. But I'm not used to being away from him. 

I read a story for the magazine today and made asparagus scramble (scrambled eggs with asparagus and goat cheese). My eggs came out quite well. I also did yoga and listened to TGB. Tomorrow, I'll have Josh all day. 

Day 4: Tuesday. I just ordered a tub of kale powder. I'm going to try to sneak some into Oliver's Popsicles. Oliver did eat three of them this morning. I woke up at 7:30 today. The boys had been up since 4, so the morning routine was done. I didn't go to sleep until about 11 last night, but I feel fine, and Oliver is very energetic this morning. I got to talk to Josh a little before he left on his short run. 

My Alani energy drinks came--Berry Pop and Mimosa. I think Berry Pop is my favorite. It's also the hardest to find. We're getting Oliver back into the habit of using hand sanitizer. He'll probably use it at school, and he's not great a thorough hand washing. He remembers the hand sanitizer and rubs it in pretty well. I ordered some more so I can send it to school. I hope the teachers are kind and flexible. I hope they'll like Oliver and listen to him. I hope he'll eat more at school this year. Maybe we'll find more that he'll eat. Our two major focus points right now are the hand sanitizer and the seatbelt. 

I'm kind of getting into unicorns as I age. I saw The Unicorn Handbook for some 69% off on Amazon and ordered it as a future prize; I look forward to reading it. I know little lore. I have the Fairy Handbook, and I put the Mermaid Handbook on the wish list I made for Bruce. We're doing Christmas wish lists this year. 

Oliver was so excited to see Miss Katie at OT today. And he buckled his seatbelt for her! I just held it slack, and he did everything else! 

Day 5: Wednesday. I slept until 8:30 again! Poor Josh though--Oliver again woke up at 4! And when Oliver wakes up, he wants Josh--not me. I apologized for sleeping late, but Josh said he wanted me to. 

Josh found the Instagram account of a family with a nonverbal autistic young adult son. I saw a photo of them in an article. I'm relieved to see a family doing okay further along the journey. I ordered the dad's book to read to Josh. I have a lot to read to Josh. 

I broke the NoBuy for the second time--well, Josh and Mom say that neither instance counts. The first time was for Into the Woods, which I don't regret; that was a great show. The second time was a couple of days ago when I signed up for the remote version of a weekend writing retreat in October. The instructors include three of the writers that have influenced me most: Anne Lamott, Julia Cameron, and SARK (Bird by Bird, The Artist's Way, and The Creative Companion, etc., all books I discovered as a teenager). It was too amazing to pass up. Mom says it's professional development. In any case, I don't regret signing up. I'll have access to all the recordings, so even if Oliver keeps me busy that weekend, I can watch the sessions later while he's at school. I ordered two books by other instructors: The INFJ Writer (which I plan to read to Josh and which I also bought for Bruce--the three of us are INFJs, which supposedly is the rarest personality type: interesting) and The Creative Cure (for myself and for Bruce, for about $1 with credits). I also found three books to read (which I already own) by JC and SARK: The Vein of Gold and Succulent Wild Woman. I've read a few of Anne Lamott's other books but may try to check out more before the retreat. All the retreat really needs is Natalie Goldberg. 

Biden may make a decision about student loans today. The projected payment is less than I anticipated, so we can manage it, but I do hope we get a little more time. 

My board meeting is tomorrow, and the school's open house is just a week from tomorrow. Yesterday, I read the first two chapters of What Moves the Dead. I also read the first few poems in Postcolonial Love Poem. Both were good, and I look forward to continuing them. I've barely read to the boys this month; I've been totally out of the habit. 

Biden is forgiving $10k of student loans and extending the moratorium through the end of the year. So we do have more time. The forgiveness probably won't affect our payment since it's income-based.

I ordered big individually-wrapped blueberry muffins for Oliver's lunches. He ate them sometimes last year. I hope he'll eat them this year as they're a good 450 calories. 

Doing chores used to feel unmanageable for me, but I'm now able to do more without feeling overwhelmed. Maybe I'll be able to add to that later.

I'm floating on good news today, and Josh has tomorrow off!

Day 6: Thursday. Board meeting today and travel tomorrow. 7:19. I've been up for over two hours. The boys are still asleep. I've started posting more on Facebook about autism, I/DD, and Oliver. I want people to know about Oliver, about our lives. 

I got my prizes for reaching one of my fitness goals today: a pillow and a spiral journal with a design from A Thing Created, an artist's store I found on Etsy. The design shows a girl with pink hair in a fancy library. The pillow will replace my old worn out chair pillow, and the journal will be the one I write in next. 

Josh got up, and we did yoga together. That felt nice. He just woke Oliver for their cashbrown date as it was getting late. I had a strawberry-banana smoothie. 

I took a shower and got dressed a little early. My dress pants are too big, but the smaller sizes are still tight. Josh is out running. I'm wearing pinstripe charcoal pants, a silver-gray top, a periwinkle knit blazer, silver peacock heels, and a blue and purple pearl necklace. 

The meeting went well though we didn't do everything on the schedule and will be coming back to do a tour of one of the group homes. I ate a little macaroni and cheese and brought home some fried chicken that Oliver sampled. Josh, bless him, had cleaned the house while I was gone. I felt pretty high strung, as if I were exhausted but had had way too much caffeine, so I ended up taking a Xanax but still couldn't really read or write. So I put on my wireless headphones and watched Orphan: First Kill. I really enjoyed the original, and the prequel had a twist I didn't see coming. When the boys went to bed, I took a bath. I still need a major reset, and I hope a good night of sleep will give me that. 

Day 7: Friday. Today, I woke up at 7:23 and realized that Josh needed to get ready for work as he was working an earlier shift. I woke him up and went to the study. As Josh came down, Oliver woke up. I put him in the bath, and we said goodbye to Josh. We finished the morning routine, and I spent some time on my loveseat. I told Oliver, "Later, when Daddy gets home, we're going to drive to Marmee and Papa's house. You're going to stay there for a couple of days while Mama and Daddy go on a trip." He didn't reply but did a little smiling and jumping. 

I hauled out two suitcases and took them upstairs. I packed for Oliver and for myself and packed my backpack with plenty of books. I also packed my portable DVD player with Jane Eyre and Little Women. I sat down briefly, and Oliver said, "Go see Marmee and Papa?" Otherwise, he was patient as I got ready, Josh got home, and we loaded the car. 

We went to Arby's, which was closed. I found another along the way in Laurinburg, where we lived for less than a year. We passed both our old houses. The big one, where we found out I was pregnant, looks abandoned. The small one, where we brought Oliver home, is rundown. Oliver and I enjoyed Arby's, and later at a gas station in Wadesboro, Josh got me Dippin' Dots. I'm not counting calories on this trip. I didn't do much of anything in the car. Lately, I've been feeling the value of doing nothing, of just sitting still and thinking or just having a conversation. It's not easy for me, but I'm pursuing it more. I feel like my body and brain are asking me to slow down, and I'm trying to listen before they make me sick to get my attention. 

We visited with Mom for a little while, and Oliver seemed happy to be there. I got a little apprehensive as we left--I haven't been away from Oliver for more than a couple of hours in two months. But Mom texted me a picture of him happily eating macaroni. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 30.

Day 1: Saturday. I didn't wake up until 7:30! When I came downstairs, Josh was working out. I settled on my loveseat and read magazines. When Oliver woke up, Josh kindly took over the morning routine, so I read some more. Then, I cleaned and organized the top of my desk. Once again, it will still look cluttered to most people--I should have taken a before photo. But we got a bouquet of pink and purple flowers at the grocery store. 

We got a few more hoarding items: another 2.5 gallons of water, some more beans, canned tomatoes, brown sugar, and a canister of oatmeal. And more Gatorade--the store did have some! We also got blueberries, strawberries, grapes, and oranges as we're trying to eat more fruit. I got everything to make pasta salad soon. 

Today, the heat index was 105. We spent two hours at the splash pad. I applied and reapplied a lot of sunscreen, and I put blue glitter drops in it just because I felt like sparkling. I read a little more of Joyful to Josh though I don't think he's very interested. Josh and I each got in the water (lukewarm) to cool off. It helped for a few minutes. I had the idea to offer ice cream to Oliver, and it worked! So we went to Cold Stone Creamery. Oliver ate vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips. I had a small vanilla shake; I'd forgotten how delicious those were. 

We took showers, and I put on my favorite purple-striped pajamas. I've been writing with Van Dieman's Underwater Parrot Fish ink today. The photo doesn't show the blue shimmer well. It's similar to Diamine's Inkvent Blue Peppermint; they're two of my favorites.

I did twenty-five minutes of yoga in our room, and I felt better for it. I placed another purchase request with the library for a somewhat obscure collection of short stories. I've made four or five requests that are not yet on order, but the library has eventually ordered my requests every time in the past.

Day 2: Sunday. Today, I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Aurora Australis, a shimmering burgundy. 

Oliver woke up at 2 this morning. Josh got him to stay in our bed until 4. I got up at 6 so Josh could go on his run. I settled in on the loveseat to read magazines. Oliver looked exhausted. I asked if he wanted to sit down, and he snuggled down beside me and fell asleep. We stayed that way until Josh got back (except for a quick bathroom break as I did not want Oliver to wet my loveseat). That's my secretary desk with jewel drawer pulls, my dotted bin full of library books, my stack of books waiting to go to 2nd & Charles, and my bookcase with short story collections and my pens. The two pink boxes contain rubber stamps, and the Ziplocs hold empty pens I'm sending to Terracycle. It's a cluttered corner, but I love everything in it. The study is becoming my favorite room.

When Josh got home, he built the little pink bookcase. It is indeed quite cheap (the back piece broke, so we left it off), but it is a pretty color. It has room for more books than my cabinet did, so I don't have to be so selective! Silver lining. I'll add more favorites soon. 

I've finished two books today, Unless It Moves the Human Heart and Kaleidoscope. Human Heart was brief and quite good. Kaleidoscope was a series of connected tales. I read it aloud to the boys. I'm counting it as my second short story collection. It was rather sad, especially for a young readers book, but I liked it. I gave both books four stars. I think Bruce would like Kaleidoscope. Actually, I think he'd like both books. Maybe for Christmas, we could give each other books we think the other ought to read. I doubt we'll be done with our birthday books yet since we've only read one!

I'd like to own all of Ada Limon's books. I do own Sharks in the Rivers and The Carrying. I've been on the holds list for The Hurting Kind for more than a month. I wish I could just buy it. I have Bright Dead Things checked out, but I'd like to have it in my home library. I've requested that the library purchase Lucky Wreck and This Big Fake World--no library in the Cardinal system has them! I'm hoping the library will buy them since she is now the US Poet Laureate. I'm excited that the USPL was already a favorite of mine! Well, eventually, I'll own all of her books.

Josh will have a late day on Friday because of the end-of-program party and clean-up. I hope I'll still get to make a quick trip to the library before it closes. 

We decided to say no to going to the park or splash pad today. It's even hotter than it was yesterday. Oliver seems to accept it and doesn't want to play outside. I decided to cancel the next three OT appointments. Getting myself and Oliver ready and out the door for OT alone is just too hard when he tends to melt down. In a few weeks, Josh should be able to take him, or we can take him together. I feel enormous relief over this decision. If we end up losing our spot, I won't be terribly concerned as we've considered discontinuing OT anyway. But his therapist thinks it will work out.  Josh and I cuddled on the crash pad for a little while. Oliver doesn't seem to mind our doing that. I plan to read A Knot in the Grain and Other Stories to the boys next. It's by my dear Robin McKinley, and it's another short story collection! 

Day 3: Monday. I did almost everything I wanted to do last night. I finished Bright Dead Things (three books for the day and five books for the week! I'm actually on track!), did the dishes, did twenty-six minutes of yoga, listened to The Testaments while I did yoga, took a shower, and read a story for the magazine. 

Today, I woke up before 6. Oliver hadn't woken up at all yet (he slept through the night!), and Josh was still asleep. I thought about going to the study, but I decided to go back to sleep for about an hour. I came downstairs, and Oliver was in the bath. Josh was working out in the bathroom. Josh went up to get ready, and I finished Oliver's morning routine. After Josh left for work, I managed a bit of a nap in the study (oh yes) while Oliver snacked, and I read a few magazine articles, which made me feel good about the day. I'm nearly done with the spring issue of Bella Grace. 

Bruce and I probably won't see each other for a couple of weeks. This week, Josh was his party. Next week, Bruce's family is visiting. But we should see each other the next week. And for the week after that...I bought tickets for us to see the summer teen production of Into the Woods at Cape Fear Regional Theatre! Is that breaking NoBuy? I'm thinking not because it's a gift to Bruce, it's an experience, and it's supporting local arts. You decide. I'm allowing it. CFRT is literally down the street from me, and I've lived within fifteen minutes of it for almost eleven years...yet I've never attended a show there. I will finally remedy that. I'm quite excited. And I'm determined that next season, we will go there to see Matilda. We had tickets to Matilda at DPAC but couldn't go for some reason, so we'll make up for that. 

I started reading The Writer's Library, a book I've been excited to read for weeks. Yes, it's late, and I need to return it on Friday. Oddly enough, I've only heard of a few of the writers the book features. But already, I've added quite a few books to my TBR list and my NoBuy list. I'll be checking the library eventually. I'm interested in the writers doing the interviews and in the writers they discuss. The first writer, Jonathan Lethem, is into sci-fi, so that's quite interesting. I really need to read more Philip K. Dick. Okay, I spent 99 cents on a Kindle collection of PKD's short stories. I may have also spent $1.99 on a memoir, Making Toast, by Roger Rosenblatt, the author of Unless It Moves the Human Heart. Yes, I could have checked the library. These were little cheats. They were cheap and quick impulse buys. But! I figure I can make up for it by using Amazon points for something we need instead of something I want. I'll do that. But one of the major reasons I'm doing NoBuy2022 is to learn how to wait. I need to remember that. That's part of stillness and attention. 

Speaking of waiting, I'm trying not to place any new holds for a while. I have so many books to read. I have books on my NoBuy list, books on my GoodReads to-read list, and books in my phone's photos. They're not going to disappear. One new hold is ready: a collection of Catherynne M. Valente's poetry. That's sure to be fascinating, and I always want to be in the middle of a book of poems. I'll check out those Alan Michael Parker books I don't have on Friday. I made an exciting discovery the other night: I own a Carmen Jimenez Smith book I haven't read! She's one of my favorite poets. I started the book, The City She Was, today. 

I did nap in my chair earlier. I've been very sleepy and hungry today, and I've had a headache. Edit: I realized later that I've cut out caffeine, which explains how I've been feeling. 

I haven't read enough today. I did catch up on some blogging; I've been terribly behind. I was relieved to realize that I'm not as behind on reading for the magazine as I thought I was. Suddenly, my arms are peeling from that sunburn a week ago. 

I never changed my calendar to July. I want to see the new Kinuko Y. Craft art. I did do the dishes, wash my hair, write in my journal, and clean out a container on Josh's desk today. I'm still trying to beautify the study. I've put up a couple more pretty things: two antique postcards and a sheet of blue cardstock on which Bruce and I wrote water-related words in blue and green marker at work back when I was obsessed with water (lithium will do that to you). 

Day 4: Tuesday. No OT today! Thank goodness. I just finished the spring issue of Bella Grace. I also read an article from Oh Reader and found another book I want to read. I can't wait to subscribe to the magazine. I want to subscribe to one other magazine next year...In Her Studio? Poets & Writers? Where Women Create? I'll look at some issues when I next go to Barnes. 

Oliver woke up around 2. Around 3, he was in our bed, taking up my space. So I moved to his bed. At some point, Josh got in Oliver's bed with me. Oliver slept past 9, so I had a nice morning. He had quite an accident, but his Good Nite saved our bed. After I bathed Oliver, I did a little yoga in the bathroom. I'll do a full session later.

The year is passing rather quickly. I'm relieved that the summer is moving quickly. I'm a little nervous about the new school year...will Oliver have the same teacher? Will he adjust easily? He asked for cookies today, and I took the opportunity to do a summer worksheet with him and then give him the cookies. If I do that every weekday, we should finish the packet in time. Yes, he eats cookies every day if we have them. I'm not sure what I'll use when we're out of cookies. He is crazy about nabs right now. He was barely aware of the worksheet, and it was all hand-over-hand, but at least he wasn't resistant. I did get him to say some of the alphabet. I keep telling myself that most of the people at school will already know and like Oliver, and he'll already know the place and most of the people. No one will expect him to be perfect. He's continued to do better with getting dressed: getting his feet into the two legs of his underwear and shorts, getting his shirt on front-side-front. I still have to hold everything out for him and orient it, but I didn't think he'd get this far. 

My friend at the organization for which I'm on the board of directors called me. We talked about some ideas for an upcoming event. I really like her. I thought more about the ideas later, and I really want to connect the organization (which serves adults with disabilities) with Oliver's school. They could really serve each other. So I texted my friend and sent a couple of E-mails to the school admin. I hope that works out. Josh had an orientation shift during the fun run event in a couple of weeks, but he was able to switch shifts, so we'll all be able to go for most of it. 

I've done very little reading today, alas. But I did catch up on blogging. I need to read for the magazine before I read anything else, and I need to do yoga. I can feel the tension creeping through me when I don't do yoga. I'm already hoping for a quiet morning tomorrow. I hope to do more reading and more organizing tomorrow too. 

Day 5: Wednesday. I didn't do everything I wanted to do today. I didn't put away laundry, do much reading, or work on organizing (the surface of) Josh's desk. I did, however, make pasta salad, unload the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, run a load of laundry, read a few magazine articles, read a bit from my library books, write enough, and do yoga. Most notably, I went through all my stickers and my craft drawers in the closet, cleaned out and reorganized my jam-packed-for-years craft trunk, threw away a ton of damaged or old supplies, found art to put up, and put together a giant donation box of craft supplies that someone picked up in the evening. I also went through all my stationery and put together a stationery donation box I plan to post tomorrow. 

I put up a piece of Josephine Wall art and a piece of Susan Branch art (from calendars--I save all my calendars but went through them today and only kept the pages I want) in the study--still trying to beautify the room as much as I can. I also pinned up a self-portrait I painted when I was sixteen; I found it in that trunk! The watercolor shows no talent, but I still like it. 

Oliver slept until 10, so I had a very nice morning to myself. I found some old ballons in my trunk. I blew up a tiny one, Josh blew up a bigger one during his lunch break, and Oliver and I played with them. Oliver seemed content to hang around or lounge in the bath while I worked on my projects. He usually seems happily if I'm in the middle of something active rather than sitting still reading or scribbling.

I've had a good couple of days, productive and happy.

Day 6: Thursday. Oliver did not sleep in today. We were all up at 5. Josh went for his run while Oliver and I did the morning routine. I was freezing, so I left the door to the bathroom open and curled under two blankets on the guest bed until Oliver said, "You [I] wanna get out [of the bath]." Then, while he snacked and played with his sheet protector (I just gave him the last fresh one we have--oh dear...I ordered more, but they won't be here until late on Friday), I wrote my to-do list (ambitious), scribbled, and read magazines. I finished the summer issue of Oh Reader! I watered my flowers, which are still doing pretty well. 

I refilled my pen with Van Dieman's Underwater Sea Shell ink, which is a lovely shimmering peachy orange, but some of the turquoise Parrot Fish ink remained. The result was a beautiful sea green with lavender shimmer. Unfortunately, though, the pen clogged and stopped writing. I need to do better about cleaning my pens. I ordered a bottle of Monteverde pen flush, which I consider a necessity as three or four of my pens have stopped writing. Again, yes, I need to do better about cleaning my pens between fills. The color was quite pretty though.

Ah, yes--before I did that, I noticed that, in sunlight, Aurora Australis has a bit of green sheen! I think I caught it in this photo. Those darker bits are green. Gorgeous. This swatch shows it better. 

The same girl who got the craft supplies is picking up the stationery. She'll know my house well. 

The OT order got approved, so that bill is covered! The school supply bill did not get covered, so I spent time reordering all of that. It turned out to be about $150 as I predicted, not counting housekeeping items like bleach wipes that we'll get later. I got Oliver Twistable crayons in addition to regular ones--I thought the plastic barrels might be less of a sensory annoyance. I also looked at lamps. We're going to need a third lamp in the living room when it starts to get dark earlier. I found one that takes five bulbs and has no other glass. We can anchor it behind the teal table, where Oliver will be less likely to tip it. 

I spent more time on The Writer's Library, which I'll try to finish tomorrow. 

Day 7: Friday. I'm really feeling pretty grand. I woke up a little before 5. Josh got paid today! He got paid more than I expected, so I paid down some debt, and we have some money in savings and some money in checking! We haven't been there for a while. I wrote the check to CFNC, and Josh signed it. I put it in the mail; we've paid off his undergraduate student loans. 

I did do yoga and listen to The Testaments last night. Now, it's 11:09, and I'm not even halfway through The Writer's Library. So I won't finish and return it today. I skipped reading magazines this morning. The book is quite good, and I'm constantly looking up titles that I want to read. 

I started another load of dark laundry. I wrote a poem called "Dark Laundry" not long ago. I loaded and ran the dishwasher.

I wrote down quotations from Unless It Moves the Human Heart, so it's ready to go back to the library. I put up three of my old (teenage years) collages in the study. I'm amazed at how well they've held up! I taped a few spots. Josh has a lot of pennants and hats up on that side, so I'm answering that with my own colorful busyness. I want the study to be a room for creative thought and creative absorption. I'd like to make more collages. 

I've never thoughts about space this much before, not since I was unpacking the house. Oh, I hope we don't have to move for years and years. I've cleaned out my purses and bags. I took out several shopping bags to put in the car. I took out a purse and a few tote bags and posted them on the BuyNothing group. That same girl came back again! Just one bag remains. 

Oh dear. Oliver wet our bed, and he got the duvet. Much laundry is ahead of me.

Small Essentials.

• string
• mounting squares
• poster board (you always end up needing it for some weird reason)
• Static Guard (good for tights and on a brush for straying hair)
• Downy Wrinkle Release
• Woolite Dry Cleaner's Secret (also good if you leave wet laundry too long, and it gets a little Clooney)
• miniature bells and rosettes
• three or four sizes of Sharpies in black and at least one other color
• colorful markers and pencils
• construction paper
• paper straws
• magnifying glass
• baking soda
• lens wipes
• Puffs Plus Lotion
• small flashlights
• fine-tip craft glue
• sharpened pencils
• every size of batteries
• super glue
• lip balm in every room
• notebooks or notepads in every room
• books in every room
• pipe cleaners
• bobby pins
• rubber bands (preferably colorful)
• small ice packs
• Cribbage board and cards

Floor Plans.

At some point, I went wild for floor plans. I think of the placement of closets, bathrooms, pantries, and linen closets.

Every since I started thinking of getting an apartment, perhaps with Melissa, I could look at floor plans for hours.

When I see a sign for a new apartment complex, I try to remember the name, so I can examine the floor plans later.

I imagine myself in that space. Could I live there? How would living  be different, and how would I be different there?

My favorite floor plans now are Rosewood Condos. The building looks like a castle. I'd like to dress rich and tour some of those condos. I'd like to survey while holding the floor plans.

Spatial awareness is difficult for me, and trying to visualize a home, a life, based on a floor plan probably wakes up something in my mind. Maybe I should have taken interior design or even architecture class.

Christmas Day: With the Boys.

Because Oliver was sick, the boys and I ended up having Christmas at home, just us, for the first time. It was mostly relaxed. Oliver just lay on the floor by his presents when he got too tired.

He woke around 5 a.m., and around 7 a.m., we decided to go ahead, sit by our forlorn tree, and open gifts. We gave Oliver family photo plaques from Shutterfly--almost indestructible. We gave him a plastic helmet like Super Grover's. Oliver has liked hats since he was tiny. We gave him a wooden car carrier with emergency response vehicles. And we gave him a Super Grover pillow and a Super Grover tee with Oliver embroidered on it. He didn't seem especially excited about any of it, but we tried!

I gave Josh a couple of fun T-shirts, a couple of plaque photos for his office, an absurd retelling of a Muppets' Phantom, and a mostly-out-of-print collection of novelizations of Jim Henson films. I was pretty excited about the hardcover box set, and Josh did seem to like it.

Josh gave me several gifts; I'll just tell you about a few of them. He gave me silver star or snowflake dangly earrings from Loft. I love them! I like how they look against (or tangled in) my dark hair. He gave me Fragrant Jewels ring bath bombs, mostly for snowflake rings). He gave me a PaperBlanks journal (fancy!) with silver filigree over deep pink. I'd wanted it for years! And he gave me The Mermaid Handbook. So I had one mermaid book already, and now, I have one from Bruce and another from Josh. I'll have to make a goal to learn all about mermaids in 2019.

So we had a quiet day and didn't expect much of ourselves. We ate the dinner snacks we had bought for our guests, and Josh donated our big Cracker Barrel holiday meal. But Christmas wasn't over!

All the Palaces.

The first house Josh and I shared was an upper-level duplex in Boone, where we were finishing college. The place was run-down, but we were amazed at the linen closet, the stackable washer and dryer, and the tiny dishwasher. The living room and the master bedroom were huge. We were happy there, eating grilled hot dogs and watching VH-1 Classic. We gorged on chips and ranch dip and walked up a huge staircase up a hill to the bus stop. I read The Hours, marking it up wildly in pencil. We called our place the MLP: Magical Love Palace.

Our next home was the WLP, White Love Palace. It was a one-bedroom apartment we named WLP because of the bright white paint and many windows. We had a coat closet, a double vanity, functional drawers in the bathroom, a linen closet, a pantry, a walk-in closet, and a huge balcony. That was where I lived alone (the only time!) for two months while Josh was with the army.

Next came the CLP, the Country Love Palace. Josh got a job at an obscure high school, and we moved into a 100+year-old house. It was massive. We had built-in bookcases and a sunroom. That's were I read 100 books in a year, prepared my thesis, and submitted work--two+ submissions per day. I was living at the CLP when I got my first acceptance. Otherwise, the place was run down and remote, and I felt uneasy alone there. Our terrible experiences elsewhere seemed to poison the place.

I graduated and needed money to make student loan payments. We moved to Monroe, so I could find a job. I was a substitute teacher at a private school for a bit, and then, I started teaching at a community college. Our little duplex was adorable. I can't think of the name we gave it. We liked having stairs for the first time. We watched Millennium and Dresden Files. I actually cooked a little. We made and lost our twins there. The joy sticks more than the sorrow.

I got a full-time job offer, so we moved again. We could afford a large old house that was well-renovated. Hard-wood floors were everywhere. Our furniture seemed meager in all that space. I had a dressing room with a little black desk as a vanity and a bookcase full of shoeboxes. We made Oliver there.

Josh got laid off, so we couldn't afford the big house. It became a bakery for a while, which is a cute thought. We moved to the OLC, Oliver's Love Cottage. It was a sweet little house but a sketchy area. We spent our first few weeks with Oliver there. Then, someone scared us by pitching (or, more likely, firing/launching) a rock through our window. My baby was covered in glass.

So we moved to Fayetteville and to the OLC2. We liked our new home. It was a good size for us at first. But then, an arsonist set our building on fire. No one was hurt, but we had to give up many items that had gotten smoked. Thank goodness we had renters insurance.

So we moved again but stayed in the same complex. We upgraded to a three-bedroom apartment because it was already clear that Oliver would need more space. OLC3. And we've lived in this apartment for six years! I'm happy staying still at last.

Messes That Suggest a Full Life.

• A dashed stack of books suggesting that someone tried to add one book too many or upset the stack while removing a certain volume.
• A spread or pile of pens--someone has been admiring a collection or searching for a certain color and texture or effect to use for that moment's writing.
• Glitter on the counter from making a miniature relaxation jar.
• A spread of rejected clothes for a safe, meaningful job.
• Family mess mixed in with personal creative work, like a photo amid design clippings.
• Sticky notes, notebooks, binders, pens, highlighters, index card--a mess from working to learn.
• My "house purse" spilling magazines, markers, sticky flags, clippings, books...the rations for my spirit and mind. I have plenty of stores to replenish the bag, so I don't need to save anything.

Week of Planting Wonders.

Image: http://aberforths-goats.tumblr.com/post/24328371099

 I took a long time to learn that joy and contentment come from details and moments. Many people say so, but learning it isn't as easy as reading or hearing it. I took even longer learning that this is not just about noticing those details and moments but also about seeking them, creating them, sewing them into life.

Almost ten days of summer have passed. I think I've used them well. Last weekend, we went to a park (one of my goals!). We brought egg salad sandwiches, dill pickle halves, and pretzels for a picnic. We kicked sharp little pine cones out of the way and spread a blanket between trees. Oliver noticed that we were doing something different. He lunged for a handful of pine needles to put in his mouth. I let him gum a pickle instead. Josh blew bubbles. Couples with strollers passed. Men played tennis behind us.

We put the stroller to the test and started on the nature trail. I expected this to be a short dirt path, but we probably walked for an hour. I used most of the muscles in my body to push the stroller on gravel, bumps, and dirt. We pushed into a moist cover of trees like a mild rain forest. Plaques identified ferns, vines, and unearthed tar kilns. Josh climbed up to peer over the charred black rims of the kilns. I was fascinated to learn that highway departments (whatever that's called) have their own archeology teams. The idea of archeology itself is fascinating, like time traveling through objects. But I like to do it through reading diaries and seeing those bits of daily life at once foreign and familiar.

Anyway, the stroller glided over smooth wood bridges. I ran a little when Oliver got restless. We passed one or two runners, a group of paired teenagers holding hands, and an adult couple leaning on the rails of a bridge. We came out of the shade to the quiet end of a long bridge, and we looked down at a red-tinted creek. The busy silence seemed to slow my heart. I smelled wet dirt and wet rocks, tranquil.

We emerged at a second playground. One of the baby swings was open, and I held Oliver in it so he could swing. His feet went crazy as if he had to tread the air to stay suspended.

We've spent some time on the balcony. Josh saw a female duck sitting at an odd angle in the rain. "Look!" he called, and we watched as, one by one, seven tiny ducklings popped out from under their mother's wings.

"This is a good place," I've said.

I finished reading Little Lord Fauntleroy and read A Wrinkle in Time to the boys. I've finished my fun Francophile book, Bonjour, Happiness, and read Katie Ward's Girl Reading (the last chapter, particularly, will drip and swirl through my mind). Josh has read Signing Their Lives Away, a book about the men who signed the declaration, and poetry books by e. e. cummings and Joseph Bathanti.

I've worked at the library, spending two hours planning and building course work on a desktop, breaking to wander the stacks for a minute, and then sitting in the teen section to grade for two more hours. Walking home takes a few minutes. One day, Josh picked up Panera and was returning home just as I was. He called out to me, "Hey, girl, I've got Panera and a baby. Want a ride?"

Josh has made pasta salad with mozzerella and sliced cucumber. I've eaten lemon pepper rotisserie chicken with brown rice and green beans or Triscuits and string cheese, chicken and broccoli with crab rangoons from the cheap Chinese restaurant in the shopping center past the library. Last night, I worked late on the science fiction course proposal, and Josh brought me a bowl with orange slices, walnuts, and semisweet chocolate chips. When I was dizzy earlier in the evening, he lit a woodsy candle and played soft music.

I accidentally opened a birthday present when it came in the mail. I felt guilty, but Josh just said I could have it early. So yesterday, we watched Love Never Dies on DVD. It isn't Phantom, of course, but I love the sets and costumes and hints of rock opera. I liked being able to see the sheen on indigo gloves, the swirled embroidery on a black coat, the swing of long earrings, the ink splatters on a sheet of music, the microphones buried in hairlines. Josh, always watching for an opportunity to make a sassy comment, said, "Remember when I arrived suddenly, and you were shocked like Christine?" He paused. "No. You were like the phantom." That echoed a thought I've had for a while: I have been drawn to the idea of Erik since I was eight years old, and I assumed I must be like Christine. But really, I'm more like Erik. Still, I fully expect that when Oliver is older, he and Josh will sing "The Beauty Underneath" for me.

These connections to my old and deep loves build and repair. Musical theater was like protein to me, and it still is when I pause for it. One of my dear childhood memories is of my mother reading A Wrinkle in Time to me even though I was old enough to read it myself. Though that was probably sixteen or seventeen years ago, Charles Wallace, the milk for cocoa on the stove, Mrs. Whatsit with her scarves, and the man with the red eyes were still like photo albums I made at ten or eleven and reopened when I read at twenty-six. I smiled at the thought that I've now read the book to my own child, and I've shared it with my companion.

Aunt Beast, with her singing, washing, feeding, and soothing a fearful and angry Meg, made me relax. I would feel silly telling Josh that he is my Aunt Beast, but he is.  He calms my fevers of anxiety, grief, and sullenness. But he also waits and lets me fuss while I come around to what I know I need to do.

I've made some progress in my current journal, one from the Christmas stocking my mother gave me. It's purple, green, blue, and gold with peacocks. Every page is full color and has tiny lines. I have sticky notes with my summer to do list on the feathered end pages. I have a letter in a purple envelope to mail today. It has a red stamp with Love in white twisted ribbon script.

The pools have been closed, but we've walked. We've lingered by the pond, and we're scratching our bug bites now. We've gone to Ulta, and I've come out with only colors in my head and shimmered smudges on my fingertips. We've been to Cold Stone Creamery, where Josh ate vanilla ice cream with strawberry syrup and funnel cake pieces, and I ate vanilla with chocolate chips and walnuts and pondered the ice cream cupcakes.

Josh rearranged our bedroom last night, moving the bed under the window, moving our wedding cake dresser and my fragile black desk to the open wall where we can actually use them easily. I think we will be able to bring in one or two new bookcases. I'll let my journals out of their crammed, horizontal double stacks.

I feel myself unfurling.

Image: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/jenndalynphoto

Living Here.

Today, I told Josh, "I want to really live here."

I've often felt that we haven't really lived in and experienced our homes and towns. We would let work and tiredness overtake us. In Monroe, we did walk to the library a few times and enjoy walks around the historic homes. We bought a Romeo and Juliet drawing at an antique store, rented our duplex from a local lawyer who who wore bow ties and wingtip shoes, and went to the local alternations shop to hem our work pants. But we never went to the Blessings or Blue Moon Cafe or spent an evening at the coffee shop within walking distance. In most of our homes, we've only frequently used a couple of the rooms.

Now that Oliver is bigger and sturdier, we're not so worried about the cats, and we spend most of our time in the living room. I sit in the big green armchair that was in the beach house in which Josh did some of his growing up. This stage of motherhood is often stationery: nursing, preparing to nurse or holding a baby who has passed out after nursing.

Last night, we went for a walk, got the mail, and inspected the playground. I stared at the structure, thinking about how much easier climbing it seemed when I was smaller. But I climbed it, and Josh passed Oliver up to me so that Oliver could go down a yellow slide for the first time. He was a bit bewildered that first time, so I slid alone a few times while he watched and got used to the idea. He liked it after that, and Josh slid with him too. After our walk, we sat on the balcony until the world turned lavender gray. I had brought my book, but I just stared at everything. We watched turtles periscoping with their funny heads. Two heads popped up next to each other, and the turtles' shells bobbed on the surface. I'm wild about watching those turtles. Josh and I intended to stay up, but we both fell dead asleep with Oliver. Oliver never did make it to his crib.

This morning, we slept until 8:30, and Josh took Oliver to the dining room for his breakfast. The blankets were so warm, and I was so comfortable, suspending in that cozy space between dreaming and waking. I looked around the room. Josh is so kind to give me that extra rest time.

Not long later, we all napped together as Oliver was sleepy again. Then, we cleaned up and went to the indoor pool. Oliver began kicking and splashing the moment he was in the water. I thought about how lucky we are to have a pool; a pond with geese, ducks, and turtles, walking space; and a playground right here. With all the water, though, we'll have to make sure Oliver learns to swim early.

We washed the chlorine off Oliver in the shower. He laughed. Josh had mentioned that his mother used to take him and his sister to Taco Bell after swimming lessons, so we had Taco Bell for lunch. Oliver ate his first meat: pureed turkey.

We got ready and dressed Oliver in overalls and his Newsies hat and walked the five minutes to the library. We found the poetry section. I counted only five poetry books there that I had read. We rounded a series of glass walls and found the children's section, where we took turns reading several board books to Oliver. Before we left, Josh got our library cards, and I checked out Ishaguro's Nocturnes even though Forever by Pete Hamill is taking me forever to read (it's good, though). I want to become more well-read in short stories this summer, and Never Let Me Go is one of my favorite books, so I was excited to see Nocturnes.

We took a short walk back in our complex. I wanted to see where the pond leads. We found a shallow, rocky overflow. I saw a female duck floating languidly. Josh said, "Look! She has babies!" I didn't see them at first. Then, I saw two. The mama duck turned, and I saw five: three brown ducklings and two yellow. Josh clambered quietly over the rocks to get a photo, but the mama duck led her babies away. We've often called Oliver our duckling or baby duck.

Josh made burgers (veggie for him and turkey for me), and we watched Paris at Midnight while Oliver nursed and dozed. We hadn't watched a movie in a long time. Both of us like it, especially Brody's Dali and rhinoceros talk. I fed Oliver mixed vegetables and apples, eventually holding him in my lap with a wipe under his chin since the high chair, bouncer, and bib were all abhorrent to him. He ate everything once I wasn't trying to constrain him.

I finished reading The Borrowers Afloat to Josh and Oliver last week, so I continued tonight with the next book I'm reading to them: Little Lord Fauntleroy. The sweet descriptions of Cedric make Josh and I gaze at Oliver is wonder and gratitude. I've never read the book, which is surprising since A Little Princess and The Secret Garden are dear to me.

Josh and I are in the living room now, listening to the static over the monitor. Somewhere in that distorted sound of the fan is our baby's breathing. I think we are living here. I love this city, this apartment, and this family. We are all where we belong.

A Page from My Journal: March 5, 2012

Everything is so lovely. I don't even care that I have to go to the doctor and grade papers later. I have the most perfect little family, and I'm glad glad glad.

All that other stuff--the scary birth, my depression, the terrible messes--don't even matter. It's not that they'll never matter, but they don't right now.

Josh and Oliver are asleep on either side of me. The sky is light blue, and some clouds are floating by the window. The tall trees behind the apartment building across the pond are swaying a little. I have lace and a bow. I have a pink tube of C.O. Bigelow cinnamint lip gloss within reach for my chapped lips. I'm reading the sweetest novella in The Firefly Dance--a little girl trying to be happy, an enchanted and cultured young dance instructor, a mama with PPD who starts baking again, magic tea...I've marked so many pages from which I want to record passages.

I want our boy to be sophisticated and loving. I want him to know about books, poetry, music, movies, and musicals because they've surrounded him. I want him to be able to show new joys to his friends, cousins, girlfriends, wife. I want him to know what can make him feel calm and glad. I want to always snuggle him. I want him to see me as a person--flawed, needy, and sometimes sad, but I want him to see me as a source of love for him always. I want to never forget or dismiss him. I want to remember how very precious and beautiful he is. Everyone needs someone to do that.

Suddenly, the sky in the window is almost full of clouds. I still see the sun though. I'm getting hungry. We have thin crust pizza and garlic bread sticks in the fridge. This morning, Oliver stopped nursing suddenly, and a sputtering stream of milk covered his belly and mine. I laughed and called for Josh to look. I feel confident that I can feed my baby enough.

Polka dots seem to be in fashion, which is wonderful for me since I love them. I've ordered two tank tops from Gap--white with black dots and pink with black dots. I hope I'll be able to wear them for fun and under cardigans to work, at least in the summer.

When summer comes, I'll be home with my family six days a week. I will make those sweet and happy days. We are all so very lucky.

Hello, Autumn.

Our backyard is full of yellow leaves. Neighbors keep coming to the door, asking if we'll hire them to rake the yard. On my way to work, I see a beautiful amber tree on the next street. The long drive is red and orange. Even the lawns and fields are the color of pumpkin pie.

Yesterday, Josh bought more fleece, footed, one-piece outfits for Oliver so that he can stay cozy without constant swaddling. He wears zebra stripes, little elephants, and pumpkins. New chub has appeared on his cheeks, on his thighs, on his shoulders, and on the back of his neck. When we went to the pediatrician the week before last, Oliver was one ounce away from 7 pounds. Right now, he's lying on my lap, cooing and grinning at the ceiling fan Josh has decorated.

To work, I wear opaque tights under my dress pants. One day, I wore a black and silver scarf with a plum turtleneck. Josh dug my purple wool coat and my quilted olive velvet jacket out of a box under the bed. The temperature was 33 when I left for work on Friday.

My office is freezing since the AC is still on in the building, and the nearby, windowless classrooms tend to get stifling. I leave on my layers. Today, Josh bought me a tiny purple space heater for my desk. I'm excited about using it tomorrow, in part just because he picked it.

Josh burns candles throughout the day, so when I come home, the bedroom often smells of cinnamon or caramel. I need to make a trip to B&BW for more candles. A few minutes in the brightly-colored store, breathing in holiday scents, would probably be good for me anyway.

We keep saying we wish we had a fireplace. I'd drink some hot chocolate, but I'm paranoid about having anything hot around Oliver. When I'm home, I'm usually nursing him. This morning, Josh watched him so I could sleep until nearly nine, which was marvelous. I have read three books since Oliver was born, and I mostly read them while nursing. A Famous Broken Heart, one of Josh's favorites, was brief and beautiful. A spark glitters when one of us reads a book the other already loves. The Writing Circle was a book I bought at Waldenbooks because it looked fluffy. It was indulgent but not really fluff. I had to read some gorgeous, insightful, image-driven sentences aloud to Josh. The book is worthwhile just for those. And today, I just finished Outside the Ordinary World, a two-generation book that deals with the pull and aftermath of infidelity. I hope to start another book today. I'm so relieved that I can attach to a book. I thought I might be too ravaged or tired or overwhelmed to read. Josh and I have been enjoying the TV shows Up All Night and Once Upon a Time (though I think he watches the latter only to indulge me).

Though I'm loving autumn, I am already looking forward to hearing those three bell chimes at the beginning of Aaron Neville's Christmas CD. For me, those sounds have always signaled the beginning of Christmas. I have good memories of listening to the CD with my family as I grew up. Josh and I added James Taylor's Christmas CD to the canon. Taylor's voice is warm and cuddly in a different way. I'm looking at the Christmas issue of Real Simple, thinking about the stacks of unread magazines I have and may indulge in over Christmas break. I feel drawn to rich colors and sparkles. In no time, I'll be contemplating which calendar I'll pick for next year.

Five Weeks.

Oliver is five weeks old today.

Josh spent the morning decorating the ceiling fan with white paper shapes on the blades and wet erase marker drawings (a bunny, a butterfly, an Eric Carle caterpillar, and a message) on the globe. I'm glad he's been creative lately...yesterday, he attempted a portrait of Oliver.

I held Oliver upright in my lap and read Eric Carle's My First Book of Shapes and Winnie-the-Pooh's 123 to him. He listens and sometimes looks at the books. I touched his fingers to the smooth pages.

The rest of the day has included a lot of feeding (I'll write about the craziness of breastfeeding eventually); planning, selecting stories, and creating exercises for my creative writing class (I'm team-teaching it, and my segment on short fiction starts next week); and reading a little of The Writing Circle (a book I bought at a closing Waldenbooks...it looked like fluff, and Josh said it would be a perfect postpartum book). I also cooked for the first time since Oliver was born. I made brown rice with asparagus, cheese, and grilled chicken (boiled egg, soy bits, and hot sauce for Josh). That feels like a big day.

Books Everywhere.

While I was nesting, Josh began taking photos of our books around the house. We don't have room for many bookshelves, so books deposits have formed everywhere.

 

We have almost no organization so far, and I doubt we will have any while we live here.

These are on my fold-up white bookshelf in the dining room. They are books we've yet to read.

Some of these are books my mom passed along; some are from used bookstores; some are books we really should have read long ago.

These are poetry books I've finished reading.

Books gather beside the cabinet that has served many purposes and currently holds nail polish, Wallflowers, hand soap, lotion, Puffs, and cat supplies.

These books, including most of my collection of memoirs and diaries, rest behind the cat bed.

A DVD shelf now holds a leaning tower of the books Josh wants to read soon. I sneak a few on there sometimes (The Good Earth, The Diary of a Young Girl, The Handmaid's Tale...).

These are our antique books, primarily schoolbooks. We both collected these...another indication that we were meant for each other.

The cabinet holds my favorite books.

The corner beside our bed and my shelf of journals holds stacks of books and journals I'm eager to read and fill.

He didn't photograph five or six book stacks (books beside the white shelf, Ken Follett books under the mirror, writing books on the AC vent, books under the side table, art books beside the recliner), the books under the coffee table, or the two bookshelves in Oliver's room (since I was working on them), but this gives an idea of the bookishness of our house and lives.

Tools for Reluctant Housewives and Househusbands.

 (Image: http://albinoen.blogg.no/)

My friend Sarah recently posted a list of registry essentials on her blog, The Making of a Mrs. Read it here. Here is a list of items that make cleaning and home life easier for Josh and me. I am a particularly reluctant cleaner.

~Swifer WetJet. It has a trigger to spray cleaner (you can buy various types) on the floor, and the pads really pull up crud.

~Swifer extending duster. This is great for ceiling fans, door frames, and the tops of tall furniture.

~Scrubbin' Bubbles Automatic Shower Cleaner. Push a button and close the shower curtain or door, and this sprays cleaner all around the shower. If you remember to use it once a day, you really don't need to clean the tub/shower very often.

~Scrubbin' Bubbles Bathroom Cleaner. When you do clean the tub and when you clean the sink, this is good stuff. It makes a thick foam that does most of the work on its own and rinses away easily.

~Bona Hardwood Floor Mop. This is totally necessary if you have old or delicate hardwood. The mop is like the Swifer WetJet with Velcro on the head and a trigger for special Bona hardwood floor cleaner. The head can take a Bona duster pad, which you use dry to pick up dust after sweeping (believe me, it's amazing what you'll pick up) or a wet Bona pad, which you'll use with the cleaner. Sweep, duster pad, wet pad. And the pads are washable. Just don't dry them with fabric softener or dryer sheets as they'll lose their static cling.

~Bleach wipes. We've been using cheaper bleach and paper towels for a while, but when Oliver comes, we'll probably go back to wipes. They're so easy for quick clean-ups, the bathroom, and the kitchen counter.

~A big skillet. I had a medium-sized skillet from a set, but I was reluctant to spend money on a bigger skillet with a lid. When I discovered frozen skillet meals and started making fried rice, this became kind of ridiculous. The skillet I had was overflowing, and I had to use a plate for simmering. The $20 or $30 I spent on a big, high-edged skillet with a glass lid has been totally worth it and made cooking so much easier.

~A claw (preferably multiple claws). I don't know what these are really called, but people use them for spaghetti. I use them for just about anything I cook. I really should have more than one for when mine is dirty. It's easy to wield and drains anything from Ramen to rice to pasta.

~Clothespins. I didn't discover this until I met Josh. His family uses clothespins to close chip bags, cereal bags, etc. They're cheaper and smaller (for storage) than chip clips, and I think they also hold on better. Buy a bag for newlyweds and college students.

~A baby bottle cleaner. We've used one for years, and we're not washing bottles yet. This is the best way to clean cups and glasses if you don't have a dishwasher. No more stuffing a rag or sponge down in there. And even if you have a dishwasher, the bottle cleaner is great for delicate wine glasses.

~Dawn Hand Renewal with Olay dish soap. I like the Tropical Shea Butter scent (the white one). It smells nice, works great, and doesn't tear up your hands.

~Tin foil. This extends the life of your pots and pans--by which I mean you don't have to wash them quite as much. If you're just heating up a pizza, put foil down on the pan. Again, this is a bigger deal if you don't have a dishwasher, and sink space is limited.

For cat people:

~Citrus Magic Litter Box Odor Eliminator. This is the best we've found. It goes in a layer on the bottom of the box and then mixes into the litter. It just smells citrus-y, and it keeps everything under control.

~Arm & Hammer Litter. This is the best I've tried. We use the multi-cat version.

(Image: http://www.tumblr.com/tumblelog/rundkvist)

Preparations, Part II.

 (Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ta-/2492477256/)

I am thirty weeks pregnant today. Three quarters. Oliver can smell whatever I eat or inhale. I'm glad I've made scent such a priority at home. I always think of it as a way to sweeten life for Josh and for myself...and now, already, it's for our baby too.

Today, I got a package from my dear friend Sarah. She sent the adorable seahorse rattle from our Amazon registry and Eric Carle's Mister Seahorse board book. My brother bought me the fancy hardcover of the book a few years ago, and I was a little sad just the other day, thinking of it covered in drool and such. Now, Oliver can gnaw on the board book to his heart's content, and Mama can be a little selfish about the fancy book. What's better than a surprise package from an old friend? Themed gifts, no less!

Tuesday was a productive day on the baby front. We unpacked and set up the highchair, which has a gorgeous black and white pattern. It looks lovely with our black table and chairs and with Audrey keeping watch. We have it folded in the corner for now so that the cats don't fur it up before Oliver even gets a chance to use it.

Next, Josh built the crib! It's a beautiful creamy color.

I worked on sorting the clothes from the shower by size.

We also finished the thank you notes! I began thinking about how many stamps we'll need between thank you notes and birth announcements.

We replenished our strength by having dinner at the local Mexican restaurant with my dad. He took the photo of us by the crib. We'd been spending quite some time stacking the car seat box and books, trying to make a "tripod" of appropriate height. Dad also gave me a tiny book of fairy stickers...glittery ones at that. I had fajitas and satisfied my shrimp and guacamole lust.  This baby will grab avocados as we pass them at the grocery store.

On Wednesday, I finished organizing the clothes and cleaning up the wrapping. Josh and I tested out the Twilight Turtle. Oh! He is amazing. He filled Oliver's room with blue, green, or amber stars. I hope Oliver will like him. The stars are so magical and soothing. We'll have the turtle in our room while Oliver is in the bassinet. Josh would prefer to have him in our room now, but I don't want to wear out the batteries. Josh did pick up AAAs at the store, though. 

On Thursday, I did nothing besides going to work. I craved pasta intensely, so Josh made an all-in-a-box rotini, marinara, and meatball meal. He's a sweetheart. I went to sleep shortly thereafter with my love tickling my back. Life is sugary sometimes.

On Friday, I unpacked all the boxes. No boxes remain. Messes remain, certainly, and I'll have to tackle one room at a time. But everything is out. I also got started on more book organizing. The books will require all my creativity. And Josh finished a project: writing and coloring Oliver's name in Klingon. That's right. Oliver has very dorky parents.

Meanwhile, my belly button is nearly gone. Envision a pie in thirds. The top two thirds of my belly button are poking out. The bottom third is holding strong for the moment. Also, Oliver has become quite visible. I'll feel a shift and see what is probably a head poking out between my ribs and what is probably a leg poking out near my hip. My stomach is rarely really rounded. He's apparently the size of a basketball. Gracious. My tiny baby is not so very tiny.

(Image: http://hila-lumiere.blogspot.com/)

Artful Clutter.

 (Image: http://weheartit.com/entry/9835385)

My home style is certainly cluttered. I have several reasons for this.

1. I like to know, by looking at any corner or surface, that a house is my home.
2. I like a lot of stuff.
3. I tend to be messy.
4. For me, mildly cramped equals cozy.

The mere title of A Perfectly Kept House is the Sign of A Misspent Life: How to live creatively with collections, clutter, work, kids, pets, art, etc... and stop worrying about everything being perfectly in its place by Mary Randolph Carter is very validating for me. It's on my Amazon wish list, and if I ever get it, I will lovingly add it to a teetering book stack until I get to it. 


Josh has very little stuff besides books. He regularly purges his clothes with a vengeance, taking any excess to Goodwill. I've saved his high school notebooks from the trash. So it's strange that's he's content to live with me. He says, though, that he loves seeing my stuff everywhere. 

 (Image: http://mysteriesofthecosmos.tumblr.com/page/6)

Getting settled in a new place takes me a while because if I don't find places for everything the first time, I never will. A junk corner a month after I move in will remain a junk corner a year later. A good set-up (by my definition) to start with at least provides a mold for my messes to conform to, more or less. I plan to share some photos of the house with you once I crystallize it (that plan is giving me some motivation to get going despite my desire to lounge incessantly while I can). 


I love how every house we've had ends up with a different system of organization and decor. It's not just because we gain and lose stuff and furniture. Of course, the changing size of our homes has something to do with it--two bedroom duplex to one-bedroom apartment to three-bedroom house to two-bedroom duplex to five-bedroom house to two-bedroom house. The vignettes morph. The poetry books don't stay on the same shelf. The pictures move. The cabinet that held stationery holds cosmetics and then holds candles, soap, and Wallflowers. The plastic drawers that held office supplies hold cardigans. The desk that held inks and pens is now a vanity. The bistro table moves from kitchen to balcony to sunroom to dining room to canning room to side porch. It's a fun evolution. 

Sometimes, I see Josh smiling at a pile of stuff on or next to my side of the bed--books, pens, notebooks, little projects. He seems to be memorizing the collage even as it annoys him. 

Is your clutter out in the open, or do you have secret treasure stashes?

(Image: http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/li)

Oh, Anthropologie.

 (Image: http://www.theblahhunter.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/anthropologie_main.jpeg)

Anthropologie is a wonderland. The window displays alone are enchanting. Even Josh likes wandering in there. I know a few people who would gladly furnish their homes and wardrobes almost exclusively with that store's wares. I could also get a long way furnishing my desk and bookshelves there. But it's also a treasure house from which most of us can't often cart away gems. I do, however, have a few wonders from Anthropologie, which I've collected over ten or twelve years.

*A silver butterfly letter holder. I only put pretty letters on it.

*Several journals. So many journals there are just amazing, but the prices are also amazing. When I was a teenager, I often watched and waited until they were 50 or 75% off. I have one green felt journal with pink flowers. I got that one at a two-story store in Seattle. I also have several that look like books.

*Several books. I'm not sure how many books I've actually purchased at the store, but if it's at the store, I usually want to read it and keep it in mind (How to Be Lovely, a book on the Audrey Hepburn way of life...The Meaning of Flowers and The Meaning of Wedding Anniversaries, so fun to just flip through...oh, so many more!). How awesome would it be to be the person who chooses the store's featured books?

*A white linen jacket with three-quarter sleeves, ruffles, and gold clasps. This was the most astonishing markdown I've ever seen at Anthropologie. 

*A moss green, short-sleeved, velvet jacket with silky, pale green, white polka dotted lining. I bought this on mega sale after I began working as an adjunct English instructor. It is so lovely that I have a hard time not wearing it in the summer. I feel like I should have a big, velvet, feathery hat and long brown gloves to wear with it. And maybe a watch brooch. Anyway, one of the best parts of my memory of buying it is my mother saying, "You're a professor now. You deserve a moss green, crushed velvet jacket from Anthropologie." Isn't it wonderland when someone says we deserve something that seems ludicrously luxurious and totally too good for us?

I think that's all I have, but I've bought several gifts there for my mom, who had an all-purple room at Pansy Cottage. I found a purple bowl, a purple crystal candle holder, a purple jewel-like drawer pull...

And here are some items I'd like to have.

(http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=073589&catId=HOME-OFFICE&pushId=HOME-OFFICE&popId=HOME&navAction=top&navCount=726&color=015&isProduct=true&fromCategoryPage=true&isSubcategory=true&subCategoryId=HOME-OFFICE-STATIONERY&templateType=subCategory)

(http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=073663&catId=HOME-BOOKS&pushId=HOME-BOOKS&popId=HOME&navAction=top&navCount=60&color=095&isProduct=true&fromCategoryPage=true&isSubcategory=true&subCategoryId=HOME-BOOKS-DECORATING)

(All of them! http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=073685&catId=HOME-BOOKS&pushId=HOME-BOOKS&popId=HOME&navAction=top&navCount=60&color=080&isProduct=true&fromCategoryPage=true&isSubcategory=true&subCategoryId=HOME-BOOKS-NOVELS)

(http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=073569&catId=HOME-BOOKS&pushId=HOME-BOOKS&popId=HOME&navAction=top&navCount=60&color=095&isProduct=true&fromCategoryPage=true&isSubcategory=true&subCategoryId=HOME-BOOKS-NOVELS)

(http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=974013&catId=HOME-BOOKS&pushId=HOME-BOOKS&popId=HOME&navAction=top&navCount=60&color=011&isProduct=true&fromCategoryPage=true&isSubcategory=true&subCategoryId=HOME-BOOKS-FASHION)

(http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=974014&catId=HOME-BOOKS&pushId=HOME-BOOKS&popId=HOME&navAction=top&navCount=60&color=095&isProduct=true&fromCategoryPage=true&isSubcategory=true&subCategoryId=HOME-BOOKS-KIDS)

(I'd really like twelve of these in olive for my kitchen cabinets. I definitely can't spend $96+ on knobs, though! http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=870102&catId=HOME-HARDWARE-KNOBS&navCount=180&navAction=middle&isProduct=true&pushId=HOME-HARDWARE-KNOBS&popId=HOME-HARDWARE&fromCategoryPage=true&color=oli&templateType=E)

(I'd like J, B, and O to hang our favorite jackets by the door. http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=670301&catId=HOME-ROOM&pushId=HOME-ROOM&popId=HOME&navAction=top&navCount=84&color=one&isProduct=true&fromCategoryPage=true&subCategoryId=HOME-ROOM-MONOGRAM)

(And this bed because it reminds me of Mary Blair's interpretation of Cinderella. I think my mattresses would actually be too tall for it, but it sure is lovely. http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=960038&catId=HOME-FURNITURE&pushId=HOME-FURNITURE&popId=HOME&navAction=top&navCount=126&color=010&isProduct=true&fromCategoryPage=true&isSubcategory=true&subCategoryId=HOME-FURNITURE-BEDS)

What Anthropologie treasures do you have...or want?