Stillness & Attention: Week 26.

Day 1: Saturday. We're almost at the mid-point of the year! I've kept up my NoBuy for almost six months. But since we got a major bill out of the way, I may spend my birthday money this weekend.

We'd made plans for this to be our outing day. I woke up early (5:30), but we weren't in a hurry. I'm not counting calories today, so I ate cheddar and sour cream Ruffles for breakfast. Oh yes. 

We first went to get groceries. We bought a little bag of dark plums. I don't think I've ever eaten a plum, but they were so pretty. I found fudge peanut cookies (faux Tagalongs) that I haven't seen in a long time. I'll hide them in the freezer. I got a cheesecake parfait but only ate half of it. 

I put away the groceries while Josh cleaned out the car. Then, we went to Lowe's to get a wire for the weed eater. That only took a few minutes. 

First fun stop: Barnes. I want to start going to Barnes at least once a month for the atmosphere and to keep tabs on new releases I may want to read. I like to be aware of what's out; that's what I loved about being a bookseller. 

I decided to buy three journals with my birthday money. Choosing wasn't so easy; Peter Pauper Press has a lot of great new journals. But I can also get those with points on Amazon. So I chose one PPP journal, Floral Fields. I loved the flowers in white, purples, and pinks. I got a Compendium (a great brand for journals) spiral journal that has a Rumi quotation: There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen. I love spiral jorunals; they're kind of hard to find. And I found the Under the Light of the Moon journal with designs by Katie Daisy on every page. I also got the summer issue of Oh Reader. I really need to catch up on my good magazines. 

We went next to Ulta. I wanted to look for a brown automatic eyeliner with sparkle--not the easiest item to find. I almost got the staff searching the store, but I was able to find Clinique Intense Quickliner in Intense Clove. It's a medium brown with a hint of silver shimmer. Brown eyeliner is allowed on my NoBuy list, so I didn't count that. I did count a Colour Pop Super Shocker Ultra Glitter eye shadow in Dream Much, a bright periwinkle with purple glitter. I fell for another sparkler: Fenty Beauty Diamond Bomb in Rose Rave. It's a rose gold highlighter with gold and pink glitter. I really liked another shade, How Many Carats?, but Ulta was out. The store was super busy. Josh stood in line while I continued to weave through the aisles. 

I tucked my orange Ulta bag into my purse so that the makeup wouldn't melt in the car, and we went to lunch at Carrabbas, one of my favorite restaurants. I had the perfect meal: bread with oil and herbs, an excellent Caesar salad, and the delicious mezzaluna pasta--sweet half moons of pasta with cheeses, chicken, and a tomato cream sauce. And I had two Shirley Temples. I only ate half the mezzaluna, so I'll have the leftovers for tomorrow. Even so, I couldn't have this meal on a calorie-counting day because it's basically my full allotment. But once every couple of months, I'm going to have it anyway. 

We came home and had some time to rest. Josh took a nap. I'm still not really able to sleep during the day. At the last minute, we got ready and went to the Woodpeckers baseball game. Justice for Our Neighbors was the nonprofit of the night. We arrived and immediately found the Dippin' Dots. I got chocolate chip cookie dough in a helmet. Josh got rainbow ice and a soft pretzel. We ate and visited the JFON table before finding our seats. It was hella hot. After an hour, we relocated to the JFON table. I didn't pay a lot of attention to the game. Josh kept looking over at me like he had a crush on me. 

When we got home, we both took showers. I've read almost nothing this weekend as I predicted--too enamored of my company.

Day 2: Sunday. We had another slow morning. I stayed up long enough last night to write in my journal. Today, I worked on my planner, which requires me to spread out with my stickers, pens, and colored pencils. I had my leftover mezzaluna. Josh went on a longer run as he usually does on Sundays. 

We drove to Rockingham in the afternoon to pick up Oliver. In the car, I read Trawling the Silences by Kathryn Stripling Byer aloud to Josh and then to both boys. We finished it. Kay was a visiting professor for a poetry seminar Josh and I took as seniors at ASU. She always encouraged us as writers, as a couple, and later as parents. Kay died in 2017, and we still miss her. Trawling was her final book of poems. 

Oliver seemed willing enough to come home. He had the worst meltdown Mom and Shane have seen over the weekend, but he was happy when they took him swimming at my brother's pool. I unpacked his bag, and we settled back into our routines. I'm happy Josh and I got this weekend to spend together, to rest, and to run around town. 

Day 3: Monday. Josh is back at work, but he got to come home for lunch. Oliver has been eating "biscuits," lite breakfast sandwiches from our freezer. He ate three of my turkey sausage, egg white, and cheese croissants and then ate one of Josh's plant-based "meat," spinach "egg" whites, and "cheese" English muffins. We were surprised to see him eat faux meat, but he did. He must be going through a growth spurt. We usually struggle to get him to eat enough, and he usually eats very little variety. We've found it impossible to force food on him since he got out of a high chair, so thank goodness for vitamins. 

I made a stack in the living room of the short story collections I want to read this summer. It's a little daunting to see!

Day 4: Tuesday. Today was a hard day. I felt a lot of hurt, anxiety, and conflict. I didn't read or write today. I didn't put on makeup--I try not to put it on when it's not going to be fun. Oliver's OT appointment was stressful because he managed to hit his head on the wall while looking out a window. When Oliver is hurt, he asks for help ("You need some help?") and rubs his eyes until they're raw. He says, "Blow your eyes?" I dried his eyes many times with a tissue. Once we were on our way home and we stopped for the customary post-appointment fries, he started to feel better. I'm relieved that we don't have OT next week. It's kind of an ordeal even when it goes well. 

This is a hard day for Josh too, and I'm worried about both of us. A friend I worked with at Borders has spent a lot of time messaging with me today, and she has made me feel less alone. 

Day 5: Wednesday. I didn't sleep enough last night, but I feel lighter today than I did yesterday. I found some comfort talking to Josh in the night. I'm not good at guessing what Josh is thinking and feeling, and telling me is difficult for him. But we're trying to make more of an effort. We also did yoga together this morning, which soothed some of my tension.

The last of my birthday prizes arrived today: stickers from the artist Rongrong DeVoe (Paris and Breakfast at Tiffany's!), Benefit Benetint lip stain (which smells like roses), and yes--Fenty Beauty Diamond Bomb in How Many Carats?. The highlighter is all silver, green, and lavender glitter. 

I read a bizarre story for the magazine and wrote in my journal, trying to get back to myself. I don't feel as hopeful as I did this morning, but I do feel like I have something to work with. 

Day 6: Thursday. Last night, Josh had a board meeting, so I got Oliver ready and put him to bed. He fell asleep quickly. I took a shower and went to bed too. Josh tickled my back. I slept more last night, so I feel better today. I still feel fragile emotionally. I'm not sure how to heal my mind and heart.

I finally got back to Wild Swims by Dorthe Nors. The story "The Fairgrounds" enchanted and haunted me. It's just a few pages long, but I wish I owned a copy of the collection just for that story. Still, reading feels really hard right now. I haven't read substantially in about a week. 

I wrote in my journal with copper and sepia pens. I ran laundry and the dishwasher. Josh got to come home for lunch. Usually, he's already eaten, and we just spend the hour close together on the couch. We have a three-day weekend coming, which I didn't realize. We need the time together. He's at work so much, and when he gets home, it's almost time to get Oliver ready for bed. I think we're both ready for the summer to wrap up. The program is halfway finished. 

But the good news is that Josh got paid today. We now have savings for the first time in a few months, I paid down some debt, and we paid off Josh's medical bills that have been following us around for a year. I also plan on paying off his undergraduate loans so that we won't have that payment when his grad school loan payments restart in August. None of this would have been possible if Josh weren't working so hard this summer. But I do miss him very much. Little bits of time together early in the morning and after Oliver goes to bed don't feel like enough. I'm thankful that we had last weekend, which has probably helped us get through this hard week.

My new (well, fourteen-year-old) poem came out in Gingerbread House Literary Magazine today! https://gingerbreadhouselitmag.com/2022/06/30/james-core/

Day 7: Friday. A new month begins. I made a few major goals for July:

I think I can do all these. Eleven books will bring me to twenty for June and July. I was hoping for twenty-five, but twenty is more likely. I only ended up reading nine books in June. 

I read four books of poetry, three YA novels, and two horror/thrillers. I did read Anatomy and The Other in one day each, which felt great. Sleepless took two days. I read Trawling the Silences during one long car trip. I'd been reading The Art of Losing to Josh for a long time.

My habit tracking was pretty sparse in June. I didn't get all my habits on any one day, and a lot of days only had one glitter green highlight. I hope to do better with similar habits in July.

But I'm doing quite well with my annual reading goal overall. At the halfway point of the year, I've read eighty-one books. I feel like I can handle some more challenging books since I should have no trouble meeting and exceeding my reading challenge for the year.

This evening, I went to the library and picked up three holds: a novel, a poetry chapbook, and a graphic memoir--a nice variety. Then, I went to Michael's and Target with Bruce. We spent time looking at stickers, glitters, paints, pens, toys, and school supplies. I found the most lovely sparkling fairy sticker book that I hope Josh will buy for me at some point. I did not buy it last night! I'm halfway through NoBuy2022. 

Nourish/Challenge: Week 28.

I practiced rollerskating. It gave me so much joy and such a sense of power and control when I was a preteen homeschooler. Apparently, the skill doesn't stick. I'll keep trying, though, because it's a good way to get exercise, and I want to feel that joy again. It's a challenge but also a way to nurture my child self.

We had a good meeting with Oliver's tech's supervisor. I couldn't help telling stories about Oliver. But I feel like I'm strengthening the connection.

I put away a lot of clothes. I'm terrible about putting my clothes away when I take them off. I end up with a towering laundry basket. I'm challenging myself to work a little on clothes and laundry each evening.

I had more time with Bruce's cats, which was fun. I love their personalities. One cat seems to love me but will never let anyone else know. I like having the time around cats. That's nurturing for me.

I didn't accomplish a great deal. I did begin reading All Out with Bruce. Short stories! I'm ready to dive into quick fiction.

Restoration: Week 49.

Stories are like sparkling stitches, and I've been reading a lot of stories this past week. I finished one collection and started another. Though I should be focused on fall (creative non-fiction), I'm stuck (happily) on stories as if this were summer.

Bruce and I finished season two of American Horror Story. Murder House was dark. Asylum was darker. What comes next? I'd love to write for a show like that. I wonder if I could write something that could scare anyone.

The Michael Ball CD Josh found for me is my favorite at the moment. I remember my grandparents playing "Love Changes Everything." They gave me some good coping strategies.

I got to see Dad briefly. He was waiting with a Shirley Temple. Oliver talks about his grandparents almost constantly.

I'd like to discover some new Christmas music. I think Michael Crawford has a Christmas album. It's sort of weird hearing Phantom singing Christmas songs, but Erik gets to celebrate too.

I only have to buy for one more person, and I've got most if not all the wrapping I need. I even got some I like (hot pink with white snowflakes) for Josh to use. More and more, I'm learning simply to ask for what I want.

The other night, I was feeling rough. I couldn't do much of anything. Finally, I went to Target. I latched onto the red everywhere and the sparkle all over. That's when I bought gift bags and tissue. And always, I got a pack of Pentel Sparkle Pop pens. Another set to plant and grow.

A Bold Reader: Week 49.

I finished Bad Motel, a collection of 100-word stories. I'm only one week away from my extra goal (60 books). I came quite close to finishing Red Trousseau, poems by Carol Muske-Dukes. I'll certainly finish it this week. And what's next?

Bruce and I will finish Acceptance soon. A little of the mystery is unspooling.

I have two failures to deal with. I have almost no chance of finishing the Bible this year (and I have no good reason), and I've done almost nothing with my fall focus (memoirs, dairies, creative non-fiction). Well. I still have a few weeks to make progress.

Using Amazon points, I bought Best Small Fictions 2018, available only in print so far. I'm going to keep digging for stories, especially super-short ones. I hope stories will then bubble to the surface of me. I try to keep nourishing and challenging my mind--perhaps the most important tasks for a person's self-care.

A Bold Reader: Week 43.

I've read 53 books this year! This past week, I finished Native Guard. I asked Josh if he wanted to read it, and he did so all in one sitting! I envy his talent for reading. I'll look for more Natasha Tretheway. I began c. b. eady's Twenty Days and Nights: Poems from an Ordinary Life.

Bruce and I are in Part 2 of Authority, and we're liking it. The style differs from Annihilation. The current protagonist is more open.

I'm not doing well at all with my fall focus. I have under two months. I'll manage. Lena Dunham, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and Michael Crawford are my priorities. I'm halfway through Mark Vonnegut's Just Like Someone without Mental Illness Only More So, so that will count.

I'm still trying to read a short story for each day. I'm about halfway through Best Small Fictions 2016, so I'm making progress.

Restoration: Week 35.

I've read a lot this past week, and that helped to restore some of my confidence in myself as a reader.

Bruce and I caught up on Black Mirror. I love reviving my joy in science fiction and fantasy. We're planning to finish Battlestar next.

Josh and I had two afternoon and a morning together. We mostly napped, but it was restorative for our bond.

I found some restorative Disney-inspired art. Belle and Snow White are my favorites.  I love different interpretations and styles of Disney art. They makes me feel that I'm honoring both my childhood and my adult self. I think I need as much wonder in my life as possible.

I've loved stuffing myself with stories--tiny narrative gems and sparkling brief images. They're like tiny frozen treats (cream puffs and such) from Costco, waiting for me to thaw them.

A Bold Reader: Week 35.

This past week, I finished Kay's book Black Shawl. Reading her work has been a way to grieve--something I don't do very well. I began her final book, Descent. I may also read some of the anthologies that feature her work. I miss knowing she's in the world.

Bruce and I will (will!) finish The Midnight Disease this coming week. I hope I'm learning and retaining some of it.

One day this past week, I began Paris for One and Other Stories by Jojo Moyes. It looked like a nice, light read. This first story is more like a novella, but I kept still and read 70 pages at once! I struggle with focus, so this was exciting.

I've read 90 short stories (many of them quite short I'll admit) this summer--almost one for every summer day. I'm going to push for 100!

A Bold Reader: Week 30.

This past week was a big win! I finished three books! It just works out that way sometimes.

I finished Slice of Moon by Kim Dower. She's a new favorite; I found inexpensive copies of some of her other books. I finished Best Small Fictions 2017, which was awesome. 50+ pieces of flash fiction! That brought me far along with my goal to read one short story a day for the summer. I'll probably read another volume. And I finished Wildwood Flower by Kay (Kathryn Stripling Byer). I only have two more of her books to read. The remembering that she is gone is hard.

So I began Standing Water by Eleanor Chai. I don't remember how I got this book of poems. And I've started Billy Collins's Horoscopes for the Dead, which I plucked from Josh's office shelf. Billy Collins is almost always soothing to me, and I haven't read anything of his in a long time.

Bruce and I only have nine stories left in The Unreal and the Real by Ursula K. Le Guin. Just a handful!

I'm thinking about reading an Alice Munro story collection next--I think I've only read two. I'll surround myself with books this week.

A Bold Reader: Week 27.

My reading was a little better this past week. I read Neil Gaiman's The Sleeper and the Spindle, which was short, but I'm counting it! Some of the illustrations were gorgeous. Reading a fairy tale retelling felt good, nourishing, even with the shadows.

I've been enjoying Just Like Someone without Mental Illness Only More So by Mark Vonnegut (yes, his son); I'm a little more than halfway through it on my phone. It's engaging: living with bipolar disorder from a psychiatrist's point of view.

I'm behind on stories. My informal goal was to read a short story for each day of the summer. But I just got a book of flash fiction on my phone: Small Fictions 2017. I began Kelly Link's Stranger Things Happen, but I'm not plugged in yet. I'll get there.

My phone is full of $2 E-books. Goodreads tells me when something from my to-read shelf is on sale. That's an awesome feature.

Bruce got back from a trip New York City, so we'll resume reading The Unreal and the Real--more stories.

I'm still trying to build up my reading confidence and stamina. I can do it.

A Bold Reader: Week 24.

I've been struggling to read lately. I did finish Mary Oliver's American Primitive this past week. I intend to read more of her work. I'm glad I've read so much poetry so far this year. According to GoodReads, I'm still 12 books ahead of schedule for my 2018 goal. So I have some room to get better.

I began reading Just Like a Person without a Mental Illness Only More So (I think I've got that right!) as an E-book. Mom recommended it to me. I like the tone so far.

Summer is almost here! I probably won't finished another YA book before spring begins, but I did read 5, which is my goal. Now, I have several books of short stories waiting for me and my summer focus. I had some, and I bought some more with birthday money from Dad. I'm also in the middle of The Unreal and the Real, Ursula K. Le Guin's story collection, with Bruce. I think short stories are an acquired taste, but I've come to love them. And I'm seeing more and more published collections!

This week, I'll work more on being a bold reader.