Stillness & Attention: Week 30.

Day 1: Saturday. I didn't wake up until 7:30! When I came downstairs, Josh was working out. I settled on my loveseat and read magazines. When Oliver woke up, Josh kindly took over the morning routine, so I read some more. Then, I cleaned and organized the top of my desk. Once again, it will still look cluttered to most people--I should have taken a before photo. But we got a bouquet of pink and purple flowers at the grocery store. 

We got a few more hoarding items: another 2.5 gallons of water, some more beans, canned tomatoes, brown sugar, and a canister of oatmeal. And more Gatorade--the store did have some! We also got blueberries, strawberries, grapes, and oranges as we're trying to eat more fruit. I got everything to make pasta salad soon. 

Today, the heat index was 105. We spent two hours at the splash pad. I applied and reapplied a lot of sunscreen, and I put blue glitter drops in it just because I felt like sparkling. I read a little more of Joyful to Josh though I don't think he's very interested. Josh and I each got in the water (lukewarm) to cool off. It helped for a few minutes. I had the idea to offer ice cream to Oliver, and it worked! So we went to Cold Stone Creamery. Oliver ate vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips. I had a small vanilla shake; I'd forgotten how delicious those were. 

We took showers, and I put on my favorite purple-striped pajamas. I've been writing with Van Dieman's Underwater Parrot Fish ink today. The photo doesn't show the blue shimmer well. It's similar to Diamine's Inkvent Blue Peppermint; they're two of my favorites.

I did twenty-five minutes of yoga in our room, and I felt better for it. I placed another purchase request with the library for a somewhat obscure collection of short stories. I've made four or five requests that are not yet on order, but the library has eventually ordered my requests every time in the past.

Day 2: Sunday. Today, I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Aurora Australis, a shimmering burgundy. 

Oliver woke up at 2 this morning. Josh got him to stay in our bed until 4. I got up at 6 so Josh could go on his run. I settled in on the loveseat to read magazines. Oliver looked exhausted. I asked if he wanted to sit down, and he snuggled down beside me and fell asleep. We stayed that way until Josh got back (except for a quick bathroom break as I did not want Oliver to wet my loveseat). That's my secretary desk with jewel drawer pulls, my dotted bin full of library books, my stack of books waiting to go to 2nd & Charles, and my bookcase with short story collections and my pens. The two pink boxes contain rubber stamps, and the Ziplocs hold empty pens I'm sending to Terracycle. It's a cluttered corner, but I love everything in it. The study is becoming my favorite room.

When Josh got home, he built the little pink bookcase. It is indeed quite cheap (the back piece broke, so we left it off), but it is a pretty color. It has room for more books than my cabinet did, so I don't have to be so selective! Silver lining. I'll add more favorites soon. 

I've finished two books today, Unless It Moves the Human Heart and Kaleidoscope. Human Heart was brief and quite good. Kaleidoscope was a series of connected tales. I read it aloud to the boys. I'm counting it as my second short story collection. It was rather sad, especially for a young readers book, but I liked it. I gave both books four stars. I think Bruce would like Kaleidoscope. Actually, I think he'd like both books. Maybe for Christmas, we could give each other books we think the other ought to read. I doubt we'll be done with our birthday books yet since we've only read one!

I'd like to own all of Ada Limon's books. I do own Sharks in the Rivers and The Carrying. I've been on the holds list for The Hurting Kind for more than a month. I wish I could just buy it. I have Bright Dead Things checked out, but I'd like to have it in my home library. I've requested that the library purchase Lucky Wreck and This Big Fake World--no library in the Cardinal system has them! I'm hoping the library will buy them since she is now the US Poet Laureate. I'm excited that the USPL was already a favorite of mine! Well, eventually, I'll own all of her books.

Josh will have a late day on Friday because of the end-of-program party and clean-up. I hope I'll still get to make a quick trip to the library before it closes. 

We decided to say no to going to the park or splash pad today. It's even hotter than it was yesterday. Oliver seems to accept it and doesn't want to play outside. I decided to cancel the next three OT appointments. Getting myself and Oliver ready and out the door for OT alone is just too hard when he tends to melt down. In a few weeks, Josh should be able to take him, or we can take him together. I feel enormous relief over this decision. If we end up losing our spot, I won't be terribly concerned as we've considered discontinuing OT anyway. But his therapist thinks it will work out.  Josh and I cuddled on the crash pad for a little while. Oliver doesn't seem to mind our doing that. I plan to read A Knot in the Grain and Other Stories to the boys next. It's by my dear Robin McKinley, and it's another short story collection! 

Day 3: Monday. I did almost everything I wanted to do last night. I finished Bright Dead Things (three books for the day and five books for the week! I'm actually on track!), did the dishes, did twenty-six minutes of yoga, listened to The Testaments while I did yoga, took a shower, and read a story for the magazine. 

Today, I woke up before 6. Oliver hadn't woken up at all yet (he slept through the night!), and Josh was still asleep. I thought about going to the study, but I decided to go back to sleep for about an hour. I came downstairs, and Oliver was in the bath. Josh was working out in the bathroom. Josh went up to get ready, and I finished Oliver's morning routine. After Josh left for work, I managed a bit of a nap in the study (oh yes) while Oliver snacked, and I read a few magazine articles, which made me feel good about the day. I'm nearly done with the spring issue of Bella Grace. 

Bruce and I probably won't see each other for a couple of weeks. This week, Josh was his party. Next week, Bruce's family is visiting. But we should see each other the next week. And for the week after that...I bought tickets for us to see the summer teen production of Into the Woods at Cape Fear Regional Theatre! Is that breaking NoBuy? I'm thinking not because it's a gift to Bruce, it's an experience, and it's supporting local arts. You decide. I'm allowing it. CFRT is literally down the street from me, and I've lived within fifteen minutes of it for almost eleven years...yet I've never attended a show there. I will finally remedy that. I'm quite excited. And I'm determined that next season, we will go there to see Matilda. We had tickets to Matilda at DPAC but couldn't go for some reason, so we'll make up for that. 

I started reading The Writer's Library, a book I've been excited to read for weeks. Yes, it's late, and I need to return it on Friday. Oddly enough, I've only heard of a few of the writers the book features. But already, I've added quite a few books to my TBR list and my NoBuy list. I'll be checking the library eventually. I'm interested in the writers doing the interviews and in the writers they discuss. The first writer, Jonathan Lethem, is into sci-fi, so that's quite interesting. I really need to read more Philip K. Dick. Okay, I spent 99 cents on a Kindle collection of PKD's short stories. I may have also spent $1.99 on a memoir, Making Toast, by Roger Rosenblatt, the author of Unless It Moves the Human Heart. Yes, I could have checked the library. These were little cheats. They were cheap and quick impulse buys. But! I figure I can make up for it by using Amazon points for something we need instead of something I want. I'll do that. But one of the major reasons I'm doing NoBuy2022 is to learn how to wait. I need to remember that. That's part of stillness and attention. 

Speaking of waiting, I'm trying not to place any new holds for a while. I have so many books to read. I have books on my NoBuy list, books on my GoodReads to-read list, and books in my phone's photos. They're not going to disappear. One new hold is ready: a collection of Catherynne M. Valente's poetry. That's sure to be fascinating, and I always want to be in the middle of a book of poems. I'll check out those Alan Michael Parker books I don't have on Friday. I made an exciting discovery the other night: I own a Carmen Jimenez Smith book I haven't read! She's one of my favorite poets. I started the book, The City She Was, today. 

I did nap in my chair earlier. I've been very sleepy and hungry today, and I've had a headache. Edit: I realized later that I've cut out caffeine, which explains how I've been feeling. 

I haven't read enough today. I did catch up on some blogging; I've been terribly behind. I was relieved to realize that I'm not as behind on reading for the magazine as I thought I was. Suddenly, my arms are peeling from that sunburn a week ago. 

I never changed my calendar to July. I want to see the new Kinuko Y. Craft art. I did do the dishes, wash my hair, write in my journal, and clean out a container on Josh's desk today. I'm still trying to beautify the study. I've put up a couple more pretty things: two antique postcards and a sheet of blue cardstock on which Bruce and I wrote water-related words in blue and green marker at work back when I was obsessed with water (lithium will do that to you). 

Day 4: Tuesday. No OT today! Thank goodness. I just finished the spring issue of Bella Grace. I also read an article from Oh Reader and found another book I want to read. I can't wait to subscribe to the magazine. I want to subscribe to one other magazine next year...In Her Studio? Poets & Writers? Where Women Create? I'll look at some issues when I next go to Barnes. 

Oliver woke up around 2. Around 3, he was in our bed, taking up my space. So I moved to his bed. At some point, Josh got in Oliver's bed with me. Oliver slept past 9, so I had a nice morning. He had quite an accident, but his Good Nite saved our bed. After I bathed Oliver, I did a little yoga in the bathroom. I'll do a full session later.

The year is passing rather quickly. I'm relieved that the summer is moving quickly. I'm a little nervous about the new school year...will Oliver have the same teacher? Will he adjust easily? He asked for cookies today, and I took the opportunity to do a summer worksheet with him and then give him the cookies. If I do that every weekday, we should finish the packet in time. Yes, he eats cookies every day if we have them. I'm not sure what I'll use when we're out of cookies. He is crazy about nabs right now. He was barely aware of the worksheet, and it was all hand-over-hand, but at least he wasn't resistant. I did get him to say some of the alphabet. I keep telling myself that most of the people at school will already know and like Oliver, and he'll already know the place and most of the people. No one will expect him to be perfect. He's continued to do better with getting dressed: getting his feet into the two legs of his underwear and shorts, getting his shirt on front-side-front. I still have to hold everything out for him and orient it, but I didn't think he'd get this far. 

My friend at the organization for which I'm on the board of directors called me. We talked about some ideas for an upcoming event. I really like her. I thought more about the ideas later, and I really want to connect the organization (which serves adults with disabilities) with Oliver's school. They could really serve each other. So I texted my friend and sent a couple of E-mails to the school admin. I hope that works out. Josh had an orientation shift during the fun run event in a couple of weeks, but he was able to switch shifts, so we'll all be able to go for most of it. 

I've done very little reading today, alas. But I did catch up on blogging. I need to read for the magazine before I read anything else, and I need to do yoga. I can feel the tension creeping through me when I don't do yoga. I'm already hoping for a quiet morning tomorrow. I hope to do more reading and more organizing tomorrow too. 

Day 5: Wednesday. I didn't do everything I wanted to do today. I didn't put away laundry, do much reading, or work on organizing (the surface of) Josh's desk. I did, however, make pasta salad, unload the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, run a load of laundry, read a few magazine articles, read a bit from my library books, write enough, and do yoga. Most notably, I went through all my stickers and my craft drawers in the closet, cleaned out and reorganized my jam-packed-for-years craft trunk, threw away a ton of damaged or old supplies, found art to put up, and put together a giant donation box of craft supplies that someone picked up in the evening. I also went through all my stationery and put together a stationery donation box I plan to post tomorrow. 

I put up a piece of Josephine Wall art and a piece of Susan Branch art (from calendars--I save all my calendars but went through them today and only kept the pages I want) in the study--still trying to beautify the room as much as I can. I also pinned up a self-portrait I painted when I was sixteen; I found it in that trunk! The watercolor shows no talent, but I still like it. 

Oliver slept until 10, so I had a very nice morning to myself. I found some old ballons in my trunk. I blew up a tiny one, Josh blew up a bigger one during his lunch break, and Oliver and I played with them. Oliver seemed content to hang around or lounge in the bath while I worked on my projects. He usually seems happily if I'm in the middle of something active rather than sitting still reading or scribbling.

I've had a good couple of days, productive and happy.

Day 6: Thursday. Oliver did not sleep in today. We were all up at 5. Josh went for his run while Oliver and I did the morning routine. I was freezing, so I left the door to the bathroom open and curled under two blankets on the guest bed until Oliver said, "You [I] wanna get out [of the bath]." Then, while he snacked and played with his sheet protector (I just gave him the last fresh one we have--oh dear...I ordered more, but they won't be here until late on Friday), I wrote my to-do list (ambitious), scribbled, and read magazines. I finished the summer issue of Oh Reader! I watered my flowers, which are still doing pretty well. 

I refilled my pen with Van Dieman's Underwater Sea Shell ink, which is a lovely shimmering peachy orange, but some of the turquoise Parrot Fish ink remained. The result was a beautiful sea green with lavender shimmer. Unfortunately, though, the pen clogged and stopped writing. I need to do better about cleaning my pens. I ordered a bottle of Monteverde pen flush, which I consider a necessity as three or four of my pens have stopped writing. Again, yes, I need to do better about cleaning my pens between fills. The color was quite pretty though.

Ah, yes--before I did that, I noticed that, in sunlight, Aurora Australis has a bit of green sheen! I think I caught it in this photo. Those darker bits are green. Gorgeous. This swatch shows it better. 

The same girl who got the craft supplies is picking up the stationery. She'll know my house well. 

The OT order got approved, so that bill is covered! The school supply bill did not get covered, so I spent time reordering all of that. It turned out to be about $150 as I predicted, not counting housekeeping items like bleach wipes that we'll get later. I got Oliver Twistable crayons in addition to regular ones--I thought the plastic barrels might be less of a sensory annoyance. I also looked at lamps. We're going to need a third lamp in the living room when it starts to get dark earlier. I found one that takes five bulbs and has no other glass. We can anchor it behind the teal table, where Oliver will be less likely to tip it. 

I spent more time on The Writer's Library, which I'll try to finish tomorrow. 

Day 7: Friday. I'm really feeling pretty grand. I woke up a little before 5. Josh got paid today! He got paid more than I expected, so I paid down some debt, and we have some money in savings and some money in checking! We haven't been there for a while. I wrote the check to CFNC, and Josh signed it. I put it in the mail; we've paid off his undergraduate student loans. 

I did do yoga and listen to The Testaments last night. Now, it's 11:09, and I'm not even halfway through The Writer's Library. So I won't finish and return it today. I skipped reading magazines this morning. The book is quite good, and I'm constantly looking up titles that I want to read. 

I started another load of dark laundry. I wrote a poem called "Dark Laundry" not long ago. I loaded and ran the dishwasher.

I wrote down quotations from Unless It Moves the Human Heart, so it's ready to go back to the library. I put up three of my old (teenage years) collages in the study. I'm amazed at how well they've held up! I taped a few spots. Josh has a lot of pennants and hats up on that side, so I'm answering that with my own colorful busyness. I want the study to be a room for creative thought and creative absorption. I'd like to make more collages. 

I've never thoughts about space this much before, not since I was unpacking the house. Oh, I hope we don't have to move for years and years. I've cleaned out my purses and bags. I took out several shopping bags to put in the car. I took out a purse and a few tote bags and posted them on the BuyNothing group. That same girl came back again! Just one bag remains. 

Oh dear. Oliver wet our bed, and he got the duvet. Much laundry is ahead of me.

Stillness & Attention: Week 29.

Day 1: Saturday. I finally finished The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter. Bizarre and good. Long! The second book, which I've checked out, is much longer. So I've now read two books this week. I've (barely) started Plenty (a memoir that is already late) and Smoke: Poems by Dorianne Laux. As usual, I'm quite behind on library books. I'm writing with Diamine Mystique today. 

We got groceries this morning. I bought green apples and caramel sauce to try to sneak some more nutrition into Oliver's diet. He's not going for it. Josh and I like them though. We bought a few more hoarding items: sticks of butter for the freezer, syrup (the pancake mix came), 2.5 gallons of water, shell pasta and Velveeta sauce, and a lot more Gatorade Zero. Amazon doesn't have the Gatorade mix right now, and I don't know how we'd get Oliver to drink anything else.

The thunder is loud. We sat in the study for a while and watched the rain. I read a tale from Kaleidoscope and started a second before Oliver wanted to watch a video. He hasn't had an accident so far today. He also didn't wet his bed or ours. I ended up sleeping in Oliver's bed with Josh from 4:30 to 6:30 this morning--musical beds. I came downstairs and settled on my loveseat. Josh soon came down, sat with me a while, and then worked out. I read a couple of articles from Bella Grace. I want to spend some time reading beautiful magazines in the study each morning. That seems like a great way to start the day. 

I did yoga and read a dragon story for the magazine. The stories are really flowing in steadily. I wrote down my gratitude list for today and turned it into a poem. 

Day 2: Sunday. Today, Josh said, "When you're in a good mood, I can handle things. When you're not, I'm pretty much destroyed." 

I slept fitfully but managed until 6. I went down to my loveseat and did nothing. Josh came down at 7 to sit with me. Oliver came down at 8. Josh went to run, so I took care of Oliver's morning routine. I read a couple of articles from Oh Reader. I look forward to subscribing to the magazine next year. I'm writing today with Diamine Lilac Satin ink.

My Pipsticks stickers came! They're mostly travel-themed. I probably won't do much more traveling in my life, but I do have memories of some wonderful trips. We are going on a little weekend trip to Asheville next month for Josh's half-marathon! I'm really looking forward to that since we're not getting a weekend off this month. 

I made a big batch of vegetable fried rice with brown rice, riced cauliflower, carrots, broccoli, sugar snap peas, sweet peas, fire-roasted corn, baby corn, and red peppers. I ate, and I cleaned up the kitchen. 

Well, we ended up at the splash pad for four hours. We all got burned despite sunscreen. The latter two hours were pretty miserable. We only got Oliver to hydrate a little because the ice cream truck came and we got him a Popsicle. I did read a good forty pages of Joyful to Josh. He says most of it, like the aesthetics of energy and abundance, don't apply to him. Hmm. 

I've continued reading for the magazine, and the stories have continued to roll in. I seem to be the only second reader rating them right now; where is everyone? We changed our sheets, so that will be nice tonight. And my fuzzy pink (alas, more mauve than they appeared) pillows with silver stars and snowflakes arrived as did my turquoise and gold marbled tray.

Day 3: Monday. July 18. More than halfway through the month. I'm sitting in the sunshine of the study, curled up on my pink velvet loveseat with one foot on my teal velvet ottoman. I just finished reading a few articles from Oh Reader and Bella Grace. Some of the TBR books are on my list. I'd like to finish at least a couple of good magazines this month. 

This morning, I woke around 6. Josh was down here working out. I ended up sleeping for another forty-five minutes. I'm nervous about Oliver's blood work today. He didn't have any accidents over the weekend despite the four hours at the splash pad. 

I've only read one collection of short stories this month...definitely not up to my goal. I'll have to be more focused in August and September. It will get easier because more of my library books will be collections. Right now, I'm just so behind. I'll return as many books as I can on Friday. I gave up on Plenty and 13 Stories last week--I'll get back to them. 

I see big trees with puffs of white blossoms. I wonder what they are. The gray ottoman came and is now under the coats. Our new body pillow arrived, and it is so nice. I moved the old one to Oliver's crash pad. 

This is the last full week of the program Josh is coordinating. Next week, he'll mostly be wrapping up, making reports, giving presentations, and planning a celebration. He thinks he'll do this again next summer. I have mixed feelings, but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it might be. Next summer, we can pay down some more debt, build up savings, and buy a new dresser. If the summer job continues, we can eventually buy a second car...though Josh does like having only one car. 

I'm thinking about bringing some of my snowflake ornaments back out. I've loved snowflakes since I was twelve, all year. People have given me snowflake ornaments, pajamas, blankets, and other objects as gifts. I used to hang snowflakes all over my house. 

Oliver slept until 9:30--how kind! While he was in the bath, I took almost everything out of my makeup bag. I put in some favorite lipsticks and glosses. I want to create a grab-in-case-of-fire bag of my favorite makeup. I found a Hard Candy palette I'd completely forgotten. I want to have all my basics in there too, including back-up foundation, eye shadow primer, and mascara. 

Well, I got through quite a project today. I cleaned out and reorganized all my makeup. I got all my favorite and essential makeup (with extras) into my makeup bag, and I can actually see what's in the bag. I threw away old makeup and makeup that I've sampled but probably won't ever use. I organized all my palettes vertically so I can see them. I cleaned out and organized my backstock bin--everything in labeled Ziplocs. I put together a box of unused makeup that I wasn't going to use and posted it on the local BuyNothing group--someone picked it up within thirty minutes. Now, someone gets to enjoy that great makeup! Next stop: skincare. I used to have makeup subscriptions, so I have a lot of products I didn't choose. 

I read two more stories for the magazine. 

I gave Oliver two clonidine over an hour before his appointment for blood work. He was sleepy but definitely not sedated enough. We restrained him and managed a finger stick. Glucose and hemoglobin are normal. Back at home, he took a bath and a nap. I lay down with him for a while and then finished my makeup project. 

I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Shooting Star ink today. It's dark blue with red sheen and gold shimmer.

Day 4: Tuesday. Today was a nightmare. Oliver had a massive meltdown. The day started poorly. I didn't get any time to myself in the morning because Oliver had a nightmare while Josh was out running. I had just come downstairs when I heard Oliver screaming, "Daddy!" I ran upstairs and tried to comfort Oliver, but he was inconsolable. He kept asking for Josh, apparently having lost him in a dream and being unable to shake the nightmare. I called Josh, thinking his voice might help. But Josh ended up coming home. After seeing Josh, Oliver calmed down and took a bath. Josh managed to finish his run. We took Josh to work as Oliver had OT in the afternoon. Oliver insisted on a second bath. He woke Josh up at 2 a.m. Our lives are kind of ridiculous. 

I didn't do yoga. I didn't read--at all, not even for the magazine. I didn't write five pages or read aloud or read poems. Just before I needed to get ready for OT, Oliver wanted to watch a fuel tanker song video--which doesn't exist. A meltdown of one to two hours followed. He broke the router, threw down a small shelf of magazines, trashed a lamp, broke the porcelain violets bowl my dad gave my mom while they were dating, pulled down five pieces of art, broke two frames, broke one sheet of glass, dumped all my makeup brushes, poured milk on the floor, threw a half-full diet soda can across the kitchen, spilled another liquid I didn't even identify, threw items off a bookshelf, and destroyed my pretty little favorite books cabinet. I barely managed to clean up the glass and the milk. He was so quick. He screamed most of the time. Our Internet, of course, went out, so I couldn't play any of the videos he demanded on his tablet. He yanked on my clothes and hands but didn't actually hurt me. I gave him two clonidine, but it's too slow-acting to be helpful. 

Of course, I had had to ask Josh to call Oliver's therapist and cancel our appointment. Josh said we could pick him up for an hour, but Oliver didn't warm to this idea for some time. When he started to come out of his rage, he looked around the ransacked guest room and said, "What did you do?"

I said, "You broke a lot of things."

We picked up Josh, who fixed the router and tried to clean up. I sat on the couch, staring at nothing. Oliver had a good snack. We declined giving him ice cream. I felt completely disconnected from myself and my life. Nothing seemed to matter. I was dissociated. Numb. Josh went back to work. I don't know what I did. Eventually, I got Oliver ready for bed.

I did do one good thing before the day got so bad. I rearranged my nonfiction bookcase, which I see from my loveseat, in rainbow order. It looks much prettier.

Day 5: Wednesday. Last night, I took a shower and then immediately took a bath, but the hot water hurt my sunburned arms. Josh came to our room after Oliver was asleep, and Josh gave me back tickles. I tried to focus on his touch. I couldn't read for myself or for the magazine. I felt totally disconnected from myself. But tickles, Xanax, and melatonin helped me go to sleep.

I woke up at 4 a.m. to Oliver spreading out on our bed. Josh wasn't in bed, so I went to look for him. He was asleep in Oliver's bed. LOL. So I crawled into Oliver's bed with Josh and slept for another two hours. When I woke up, Josh was downstairs working out. I thought I might get some quiet time to talk to Josh or read a magazine before Oliver woke up, but he got up immediately after I did. So I gave him his morning relaxation bath and got him ready for the day. 

I tried to spend time in my study, but Oliver kept asking for another bath. The thought of sitting in the freezing bathroom for another forty-five minutes was almost unbearable, but he did take a second bath before 9:30 a.m. I went back to my loveseat after the bath and the redressing process. Oliver stood still, staring at me, for thirty minutes while I tried to write. So I asked him to sit down, covered him with a blanket, and read aloud Dorianne Laux poems from Smoke until my mother called to check on me. As I'd told Bruce, I told her that yes, I must be feeling better because I felt unhappy rather than dissociated. 

The day passed fairly quickly. I cleaned out my bin of skincare products and posted on the local BuyNothing group a photo of a box of moisturizers, masks, and serums that I'm just not going to use. Someone picked it up within fifteen minutes. I wrote some more and tried to catch up on blogging from last week. Josh came home briefly for lunch, and I sat with his legs across my lap on the couch. We both felt like napping. Oliver continued to ask for a bath, but somehow, when Josh says no, he stops. When I say no, he asks over and over again until I'm about to lose my mind. I say exactly what Josh says, but it doesn't work. 

When Josh got home, I gave Oliver his actual bath (with bathing) and got him ready for bed. We realized that we'd forgotten to give him his night meds, so the night extended. Someone knocked on the door, and Josh answered to find a delivery guy with an Edible Arrangement addressed to us. It was from "a friend," and the note wished us a better day. I appreciated the acknowledgement and kindness. I also appreciated the chocolate-covered strawberries while Josh ate a pineapple flower. I hope we might convince Oliver to eat some cantaloupe or honeydew, but that's unlikely. It's good timing because I decided today that I'm going to try to eat more fruit even though I'm watching calories. 

Day 6: Thursday. Starting with Sunday's sunbake, this hasn't been an easy week. But Oliver slept in a bit today, so I got some quiet morning time. He also did a little better with getting dressed; maybe he's starting to get that. I haven't finished any books this calendar week. 

Day 7: Friday. Last night, I read from about 7 to 9 and finally caught up on reading for the magazine. This morning, I slept a little on my loveseat and then did nothing for a while (dolce far niente). I read two articles from Bella Grace and two articles from Oh Reader. I'm working on a donation box of craft and stationery supplies. 

I found a small pink bookcase on sale for $36 and ordered it to replace the book cabinet Oliver wrecked. It'll be cheap, but I won't be too upset if Oliver breaks it. And it's pink. I found a revolving bookcase that I'd really like to get next year. 

I made a stack of priority library books: books that are or will soon be late and books that someone is likely to put on hold. Then, I finished reading Smoke (poems) and read the graphic novel The Call of Cthulhu. So I've finished two books today! I started Unless It Moves the Human Heart, a book on writing and teaching. And I wrote "Lightning Bug," my first real love poem to Oliver. I'm happy with it. Josh said it captures what it's like to be Oliver's parent. 

I went to the library, returned some books, and picked up holds. I need to read about five books a week as that's how many I'm checking out! I listened to The Graveyard Book in the car. Bruce and I spent a couple of hours at Barnes, which is in the middle of major renovation. Records are in the cafe. Sections are broken up and moved. Books are double-stacked in rented crates. I feel bad for the booksellers trying to find anything. But exploring the changed bookstore was fun. We spent a lot of time in poetry and lit crit. I took photos of a lot of books I want to check for at the library.

Stillness & Attention: Week 28.

Day 1: Saturday. Yesterday, I took a two-hour nap in my chair. I probably needed it. I finished West Wind by Mary Oliver and Wild Swims, short stories by Dorthe Nors. I did go to the library and pick up holds. Bruce came over, and we talked for almost three hours. 

Today, I got to sleep until 7, which was pretty exciting. I started and finished A Thousand Mornings: Poems by Mary Oliver. I've read three stories for the magazine today, and I still have one waiting. They've been coming in steadily. 

We got groceries today. I got some stock-up items to make my mom feel better (she thinks we need to hoard food): pasta, pasta sauce, rice, and beans. I don't know what Oliver would eat if we didn't have his staples.

Oliver had a bit of a meltdown today. He said he wanted to "watch a picture of a helicopter." We couldn't figure out what he meant. We tried videos of helicopters and even videos of people drawing helicopters. He roared and pitched his tablet but got over it and went outside after a little while. 

I haven't sent out a submission in over thirty days. I still have 114 pieces out. When Oliver returns to school, will I be more focused? Am I really just surviving the summer? 

My mood went downhill when one of my crowns came out. That's the second in the last couple of months. I really wanted to be done with the dentist for a while, and I don't know when I'll get a chance to go get this crown fixed. Josh asked me for a cuddle on Oliver's crash pad.

Day 2: Sunday. I've now read six books this month, which is pretty good. I started Some Things I Still Can't Tell You: Poems by Misha Collins yesterday. It's not really my kind of poetry, but I'm trying to read all kinds. 

I got up just before 7 and expected Josh to have left for his run. He hadn't, though, so he suggested we cuddle in the guest bed while Oliver sleeps on in our bed (where he ended up at some point in the night). Josh and I took a lovely hour-long nap. Last night, I tried taking melatonin with Xanax instead of ibuprofen p.m., and it seems to have worked well. I'm thankful that Oliver slept in this morning. I don't know what to do about Oliver's sleeping in our bed and needing Josh to put him to bed every night. At least one of us ends up sleeping elsewhere. It's going to get weirder and more impractical as Oliver gets older, but he has no consciousness of that.

I did a little Pinterest exploring and showed Josh a couple of my boards. I should look at them more myself. 

I need to go back to timed reading sessions to get through some of these library books. I have to structure myself to achieve that stillness and attention. I look forward to choosing my nonfiction books for fall; most of them will come from my own collection. I've still only finished one book of short stories this summer, so I have a lot of work to do. 

At the moment, I don't feel hurt, bitterness, anxiety, anger, or fear. I feel calm gratitude. I've started The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter, and I'm enjoying it so far. It's a speculative mystery that combines a lot of literary characters (or their daughters), including Dr. Jekyll, Frankenstein, Dr. Moreau, and Sherlock Holmes. 

I've got a touch of the Sunday night blues. Oliver had another accident today. These two three-day weekends have felt too short. 

Day 3: Monday. I have a lot of blank journals in the wardrobe in the guest room. I'm thinking about reorganizing them by brand and type (meaning whether or not I can write in them with fountain pens). That would be fun. The wardrobe also holds my jewelry (all costume), books from which I need to write down quotations, my sticker binders, sweaters, and magazines. 

I've picked out some throw pillow covers for my new loveseat. I also got an ottoman and tray. I'm still well under our furniture budget for this year, and I was able to do interest-free payments. The loveseat will arrive next week. I want the study to be my morning room where I read magazines and ease into the day. If that bothers Oliver, I'll just start when he goes to school. The gray fabric slipper chair I ordered for the bathroom arrived yesterday. I don't know when Josh will be able to build it, but I look forward to having a place to sit during Oliver's long baths. 

The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter is pretty funky, but I'm enjoying it. It's showing me that I can still do focused reading and get a mood boost from it. I'm dragging on 13 Stories and 13 Epitaphs. The first story has no quotation marks and no paragraph breaks. It's already late, so I may just return it and devote more time to it later. Eventually, the majority of my library books will be story collections, so I'll be more focused. I have so many other books to read. I did finish a journal today. I started a Peter Pauper Press journal that has the design for a French edition of the Song of Songs. 

Mom said she may keep Oliver this weekend, and I'm trying not to get excited about the thought. It'd be great timing since Josh's summer grades are due at the beginning of next week. 

My mouth hurts. I managed to get a dentist appointment this afternoon, and Josh is going to take a late lunch hour so I can go. I've got to wear pretty shoes--staff comes to see my shoes at the dentist; it's a thing. I'm thinking sea-green glitter shoes. 

Day 4: Tuesday. I got the crown put back in, but my jaw is off-balance now, which makes eating difficult. 

Bruce is listening to The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman, which apparently has a full cast. I think one of my goals is to read half or more of his books, so I placed a hold on the audio book too. My discman arrived, so I can listen to The Testaments at home and The Graveyard Book in the car (it's only some 7 CDs; Testaments is 14+). I've decided to keep one or two audio books going at all times. I prefer reading directly, but I want to get to as many books as I can, and this is a way to read when I normally can't (while driving, folding laundry, etc.). I need a belt pack for the discman to make it really practical, so I'll get one with Amazon points next month. 

Josh built the gray slipper chair for the bathroom. It's pretty big, big enough for me to pull up my legs, but I measured it before I ordered it to make sure it could fit in the bathroom without blocking any doors. I sat in it today. Having it should improve the quality of my days, and I'm looking for anything that can do that. I moved a pink, gray, and gold Sparkle pillow from the guest room to the couch, where I can enjoy it more. I want to get maximum enjoyment out of wonderful objects. A new pillow cover arrived: a fairy with green hair, green eyes, and green eyeliner, very pretty. I'll put the pillow on the chair in the bathroom since the bathroom has a green theme. 

Day 5: Wednesday. The magazine stories keep rolling in, and I'm behind. I read one in bed last night, but I got too tired after that. I'm having to devote a lot of reading time and energy to this right now. It's what I signed up for as a second reader, but I'm not used to its being this steady. I've gotten through two stories today. 

I've been enjoying my fountain pens and inks. Today, I'm writing with the lovely Diamine Inkvent Blue Peppermint ink. It's a bright turquoise with silver shimmer and a little blue sheen. I'd love to have the whole Inkvent collection; I only have three bottles out of...many. I'd love to get the Inkvent calendar this Christmas...an early Christmas gift? Sailor Manyo Koke has come out with dual-shading inks which write in varying shades and are apparently safe for all pens. I'd love to try them. I'm running low on room for ink...I need to figure out a new way to store them. I keep some in an open purple glitter box on top of my desk, but I worry Oliver may knock them down. 

Another Christmas present I'm considering is this Ruby Red Stella doll. She's so cute and sassy with her rock star shirt, her star sweater, and her glittery boots. 

I feel bad that Oliver hasn't gone out much. He didn't go to the park or out for a McDonald's "cashbrown" date last weekend. He slept too late or asked too late. I hope we can do better for him this weekend, and I hope it won't be so terribly hot and rainy. 

I'm not doing so well with my goals or habits for July. I haven't done enough yoga or caught up on my letters. I did enjoy listening to The Testaments in the car yesterday while driving to and from OT. I left the CDs in the car because I thought I might be driving a lot tomorrow, but Mom texted me to say that she's sick. So we won't get a weekend this month. Our next romantic weekend will be at the end of August when Josh has his half marathon in Asheville. 

I did read two stories from Kaleidoscope to the boys last night. It will count as a short story collection when I finish it. 

Once Oliver finishes school (if not before then), I'll probably need to go back to work full-time to help cover his programs and care. We also need to save for his future. Once we're out of debt, we can focus more on saving. In any case, worrying about it now won't help anything. 

House of Hearts, Francesca Lia Block's new novel, just arrived! I can't wait to read it. She's my favorite writer, and I got to take two classes with her last year! 

Josh has a partial class schedule for fall. He'll have a long Tuesday night class, which will be a bummer for me. But he may get to be home for most of the day until then. It looks like he may be able to drop Oliver off at school each day and take him (alone or with me) to OT. Those would be awesome. But his schedule may change a lot over the next month. Still, even during those three weeks Oliver isn't in school yet, Josh will be home with us more. 

It's raining. I hear a little thunder, and I'm watching bubbles flow under the gate. I got almost eleven hours of sleep last night. Wow! My mood isn't great, though, which may relate to the weather. I got a few items on Prime Day: a firm body pillow and teal velvet case and a large canister of pancake mix. The pillow will replace our limp, floppy one we keep near our headboard. I added it to the furniture/household budget I set for the year. The pancake mix is for our extra food stash. 

Day 6: Thursday. Today, I'm writing with Diamine shimmer Peacock Flare ink in my TWSBI stub nib fountain pen. 

Wonderful surprise: my loveseat arrived! It wasn't supposed to come until next week! I popped up the teal ottoman. I'm thinking about getting another ottoman in gray to go under the coat rack in the foyer--a place to put on shoes. I've thought about what else I can do to make the study beautiful. Cleaning up the desks could help. Maybe we could put some flowers on my desk once I've cleared some space. Josh says he'll build my loveseat when he gets home, but I don't want to wait! 

My reading achievements have been subpar lately. I haven't finished a single book this week. 

But! I did manage to assemble my loveseat all by myself! My pink and white Merry Everything pillow cover with gold thread arrived, so I added it to my You Are Magical and She Leaves a Little Sparkle Wherever She Goes pillows. 

I also moved some stationery and notebooks to the storage ottoman, set aside some items to donate, and cleared out a whole desk drawer for my inks! I organized them by type (shimmer and sheen, scented, and standard) and brand. Now, they're safe from Oliver's rages (some used to live on top of the desk), and I have room for more! I will be getting some inks as gifts later in the year...

I was in an awesome mood for much of the day. Then, Oliver had a massive accident in the bathroom, and I found that his bed was wet as well. He was hollering and jumping hard, and I felt hot and spent. I tried to listen to The Testaments while I put away laundry, but I missed parts because Oliver was vocalizing so loudly. 

Day 7: Friday. I didn't write at all today. It was a hard day. I took Oliver to the bathroom every hour, but he still had an accident. I started taking him to the bathroom every thirty minutes. I called his doctor, and we got to go in at 3. Josh managed to get a urine sample, which showed no indication of infection or diabetes. We need to do blood work to rule out diabetes insipidus, so we'll sedate him on Monday and take him back. The doctor suspects constipation is causing decreased bladder control, so we're going to start using Miralax.

I did finish Some Things I Still Can't Tell You: Poems. The acknowledgements page was heartbreaking--he still loves his estranged wife. I was surprised to see that he had a poem in Pearl; my "Love Spell" was in Pearl many years ago.  

I got a piece of wonderful news: my poem "Cadillac" will appear in Kakalak 2022! Kakalak is an annual anthology of Carolina poets. I'm thrilled. I wrote the poem as a graduate student, and it's very North Carolina. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 7.

Day 1: I haven't felt well today, and my mood has been anxious. I did take a much-needed, soothing bubble bath, using up my Winterberry Wonder gel. I also lay down and read Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears while Josh took Oliver to the park. While there, Oliver greeted a boy he recognized from ABA and even responded to a fist bump. He also said bye without prompting. Maybe he's growing socially. 

I did write a poem today: "Cleaning," which may become part of the collection of poems I'm writing about raising Oliver.

Day 2: I had a hard time going to sleep last night, but I did read more. So far, my favorite story in the book is "The Beast" by Tanith Lee--kind of a mix of Beauty and the Beast and Bluebeard. It's always fun to read Joyce Carol Oates stories in anthologies like this. She does it all. I read her journals years ago as research for the seminar I taught during my MFA graduating residency. Her stories are much darker than the thoughts she records! I'd like to read more journals. I've always meant to read May Sarton's journals. The best book I've read about journaling is The Hidden Writer by Alexandra Johnson. I should read it again.

This morning, I'm looking at the art of Christian Schloe. I have a couple of her prints; I'd have more if I had wall space! She's my newest favorite artist. Other favorites are Kinuko Y. Craft, Amy Brown, Mary Blair, Stephen Mackey, Molly Harrison, and SARK. And I do still love Lisa Frank.

I've read fourteen books this year. I'd like to be further along, but it's okay; I'm still three books ahead of schedule according to Goodreads. This is my seventh week without spending frivolous money. This week, Josh and I will celebrate Valentine's Day and our fifteenth wedding anniversary. One of his classes won't meet on Monday (Valentine's), so we may get to spend the whole school day together. We'll spend the morning of our anniversary together too. I've given him a couple of presents, including a map-drawing activity set and a doodle book by the Strange Planet artist. Josh showed me some of his drawings this morning. He's another of my favorite artists. 

Today, I finished reading A Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys. I started reading Many Waters but switched to Peter Pan and Wendy, which I want to read before my winter children's lit focus ends.

Day 3: Valentine's Day. Josh and I don't usually celebrate the holiday since our wedding anniversary is just a couple of days later. But this year, Josh took part of the day off so we could spend time together while Oliver was at school. Josh also gave me the beautiful BENU Wild Rose fountain pen (and some sparkly pink ink)!

The pen is matte light pink and translucent hot pink with fine gold glitter, gold glitter leaf, and red glitter hearts. It's the prettiest pen I have.

Sparkling ink doesn't work out in most fountain pens, so I gave my new pen a Levenger ink cartridge: Shiraz, a burgundy ink that Levenger no longer makes.

I also received a special package today from one of my closest childhood friends, Leah. She sent Prisma Color pencils and a bunch of pens from my NoBuy2022 list! Gifts that support my writing are especially meaningful to me. A friend from Borders also sent me some pens a couple of months ago to get me started on writing through this NoBuy year. 

In case you're wondering, these are Prisma Color Scholar pencils (a less expensive version), Pentel Krazy Pops, Crayola Take Note iridescents, Gelly Roll Stardusts, and Whaline Outliners. 

Day 4: Today was not a good day. I hope tomorrow is better. It looks like Oliver will not get aid for next year, so we'll have to make some difficult decisions. Apparently we were supposed to have Valentines for the whole school yesterday, but I never received the E-mail about it. I've been missing weekly E-mails. It seems to be a big deal (we got shamed this morning), so I wrote an apology to the principal and Oliver's teacher. I'll be making late Valentines tomorrow. I also got busted for the way I pick up Oliver, so I just can't do anything right. After two weeks of E-mailing NCSEAA and an afternoon on the phone with three different people, I'm no closer to getting Oliver financial aid for next year. 

I did finally finish and return Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears. I found some new authors to read, and I may read more of the anthology series (this is book 3). I started Daphne du Maurier's The Loving Spirit, but I haven't gotten far. Stories for the magazine are coming in quickly; I read three today, and I still have three left. I took a peach marshmallow bubble bath.

Day 5: Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. Josh picked up a cinnamon roll and a Dr. Pepper from McDonalds. He gave me a blue rhinestone and faux pearl lock and key necklace. For lunch, I made whole wheat pasta with asparagus, sweet peppers, and Alfredo sauce.

I made the Valentines--I cut out and wrote on 36 cardstock hearts, helped Oliver stamp his name on each, and attached Starbursts. I also wrote to Oliver's teachers, and Josh picked up Starbucks gift cards. And I ordered some items on the teacher's classroom wish list. And I picked Oliver up correctly today. But I have a feeling it's not adequate. Josh says I get fatalistic when I'm overwrought. I received no response to my apology. I'm not in a much better mood than I was yesterday; this is likely to be depressed day #2. I wish I felt better on this special day. 

Also, my TWSBI stub nib clogged with Electric Pink ink, so I had to drain and flush it. All the other Diamine inks have been fine; I don't know what's different about this one. Now, I'm trying Pink Glitz ink.

After two more calls to NCSEAA, I may have gotten the help I need. We'll see if he's awarded. 

I have those three magazine stories to read today, so I'm not going to get far with my other books. It's 4:14 p.m., and I'm ready to go to bed. I won't have time with Josh tomorrow. 

Day 6: I got some early morning cuddles with Josh before Oliver woke up, so the day started well. I read two more magazine stories last night, and I have two left to read today. 

I've been writing with a Crayola Take Note teal-with-blue-glitter pen (from Leah) and a green/blue glitter Sparkle Pop pen. I drained them both. I finally caught up with the magazine stories! That's always a good feeling. Today has turned out to be hopeful. I've read a chunk of The Daily Mirror and the first chapter of Locke & Key 4.

I figured out that the school entered my E-mail address with a typo, so somebody got those letters, but I didn't. I gave them my simpler address. I hope the word spreads. Oliver has great freckles, but everyone knows that.

Day 7: Today, I've already drained a Crayola Take Note iridescent pen--hot pink with light pink glitter--from the package Leah sent me. 

Now, I'm writing with a Gelly Roll Stardust Rose Star pen. I've been cleaning, something that I don't do as often as I should (Josh is more attached to neatness than I am). I finished listening to the London cast album of the musical Amelie while I cleaned the bathroom. Now, I have laundry going, and I'm making some semblance of order with my chair/ottoman nest--books, pens, magazines, notebooks.... I repurposed a rubbery blue bucket as a catch-all for Oliver's school supplies: crayons, markers, daubers, scissors, glue, pencils, and name stamp. Now, everything is put away in a cabinet but will be easy to take out for virtual weeks.

I think I may be on the way up. I was cleaning a door earlier, which usually only happens when I'm manic. But it's a happy up so far--not an anxious or irritable up. I hope it will stay that way. Sometimes, I get manic when I have something coming up, like a challenge or a social event. It's like my brain is trying to prepare and strengthen me...it just doesn't always work out well. But mania has allowed me to do a lot of great things that I might never have done otherwise. I remember writing a proposal for a science fiction class while in the white heat of mania. My medications really keep it in check most of the time, but I definitely still have mood cycles. 

I wrote a poem today! It's called "My Glinda," and it's for Bruce. As I'm reading David Lehman, I want to write more poems that are contemporary and specific with allusions. I wish I could write poems about New York City as he does. I'd have to spend some more time there, which I do hope I'll be able to do. If I had unlimited funds, I'd certainly want to live there for a year. I'd go to the theatre weekly instead of monthly (and monthly still feels pretty amazing). I did write in a slim Paperblanks journal while I was there. I'll always cherish the memories of that trip, which my parents and stepparents made possible. And of course, Josh was my perfect traveling companion. 

I told Josh that my wallet was starting to fall apart after several years, so he ordered me a new wallet! It came today, and it's perfect!

Theatre! Cats! This is from Vendula London. Josh transferred the little key charm that he's put on each of my wallets. It came from a wallet my mom gave me a couple of decades ago. I've gotten so many presents this week! I'm currently working on my mom's birthday present for next month.

I just wrote another poem called "Sheen." David Lehman includes so many specific people, songs, streets, and more in his poems, so I played with that.

We ordered Carrabbas for dinner, with enough leftover for tomorrow. We're celebrating a special week, and I'm in my best mood. I had a chicken Caesar salad--their Caesars are so good. Josh had spaghetti and Italian salad. We had to save most of the bread for later. Oliver was not interested; he prefers Pizza CheezIts and bananafers (vanilla wafers). We stopped fighting him on food once he was out of a belted booster seat at the table. It's no longer easy to trap him with pre-selected food in front of him. Discipline is different when your child doesn't really understand cause and consequence.

I did finish The Daily Mirror! And I wrote yet another poem, this one called "Vacation." I'm pretty close to being caught up now on writing daily poems. I'm going to call this day joyful. It could also be passionate, but joyful is rarer. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 3.

Day 1: Two weeks without frivolous spending. I've had thoughts about glittery water bottles and Pilot Juice Up metallic pens, but I haven't purchased them. At least everyone is ready for work (clothes) and school (supplies) this coming week. 

As far as I know, Oliver will go back to school on Tuesday. I've loaded his backpack with his daubers, his favorite photo book, his favorite board book, Skittles, a change of cold weather clothes, and his Brr Brr (his old comfort toy...just in case). I hope he's all set. I hope his teachers are prepared to work more directly with him. His lead teacher and I have been exchanging E-mails, and she suggested I pack all those items for him. I included explanatory notes: gold ink on black paper: He likes to look at these photos and talk about what he's doing in them. He's outgrown Brr Brr but may still like to have him around (we have multiple Brr Brrs). This is an extra copy. It's no big deal if this gets beat up.

Josh's parents were supposed to visit today, but his mom isn't feeling well. For the next three days, I have nowhere to go and nothing much that I really have to do. It's a nice feeling. I do hope to do some cleaning and put away a lot of laundry. 

We found out that the college is hiring out weekly COVID testing, so Josh will no longer do that. We'll miss the extra money he earned, and he'll miss doing something so concrete to help with the pandemic. But this opens up his schedule quite a bit, and I'm excited about having more time with him. Next week, we should get some time alone. 

Josh is still the highest bidder on the Charlotte Bronte doll! It will probably get crazy on the last day. 

I can't believe I'm already starting the third week of this year. This morning, I've been reading Locke & Key Volume 3: Crown of Shadows. This is going to be a graphic novel and poetry weekend. I plan to read at least three books by Friday. I've started Handwriting: Poems by Michael Ondaatje.

I put away three baskets of laundry! I'm caught up...for the moment.

Day 2: 

"...because I felt, surprisingly and reassuringly, a slight panic for my own preservation, I started reading line by line."

~Louise Erdrich, The Sentence 83

This reassuring slight panic, when I experience it, drives me to write or read. When I'm lazy, disconnected, or depressed, I don't do these things, these life-affirming, life-strangling actions. And when I don't do these, I'm often disgusted with myself.

Yesterday, I went to renew some library books online and found that The Sentence by Louise Erdrich is in demand, so it is due on Tuesday. That gives me just a couple of days to read it. I'm almost 100 pages into the 380-page book. I have a long way to go!

It's an icy day. Josh ran 14 miles in cold rain. Oliver had gone back to bed at that point, so I did the same: I got in my cool bed in my dim room and slept for an hour or so. Naps are rare for me; I can't even sleep at night without meds. So this was a treat. Otherwise, I've mostly read. 

BlendJet now has Lisa Frank designs. Seriously? Suddenly, smoothies sound great. 

We've basically gotten our restaurant food for the month. Josh went out for soda and water-resistant running pants last night and came home with burgers (Impossible for him) from The Habit. And today, we ordered pizza and garlic knots with a gift card the Red Cross gave him at the blood drive. Unless Oliver wants the rest of the thin-crust sausage, I'll be eating cold pizza in the morning. I love eating lunch and dinner foods for breakfast; it's odd. 

Day 3: Today is a bonus weekend day because of MLK Day. The boys are both home. 

I finished The Sentence by 3 o'clock! I gave it 5 stars; it's my favorite of the three Erdrich books I've read. 

Day 4: I spoke to my therapist today and recommended The Sentence and My Heart Is a Chainsaw to her. I finished One of Us Is Lying; I may read the sequel. I'm starting the book Wounds, horror short stories by Nathan Ballingrud. I'm now at six books for the year, so I'm right on track...even slightly ahead.

Oliver is back at school, and Josh and I spent the morning together. For most of that time, we were waiting for the pest control guy to come. He asked us whether one of us had made all the art in the house. We assured him that we hadn't. He loved the Amy Brown mermaid by the front door. The man has good taste. I wish we were worthy of his belief in our talent!

Oliver was happy to get back to school and even leaned into his TA's hug. This is his first day without an RBT. I haven't heard anything yet. 

Today, I'm expecting some heavily discounted mealies (what we call pre-made frozen or refrigerated meals) from Factor. Last year, I enjoyed some heavily discounted Freshly mealies. They were pretty good. I'll pay $6 for a mealie, but I won't pay $10.

I had a good long talk on the phone with my mom. We discussed ABA again, and I continue to feel more reassured that we made the right decision. We talked about her health and about my recent day of solid depression. I did realize, though, that I missed my meds the night before that crash. So it actually makes perfect sense, and I haven't crashed again since. Obviously, my meds are doing a lot of good work.

I got started on our taxes as some forms arrived today. I'm waiting on Josh's W2. I hope we won't owe anything. Any refund we get will go toward a down payment for a car. Josh's car has refused to start three times in the last two weeks, but we're going to try to save for a few months--anything we can do to get a lower monthly payment.

Day 5: Oliver got an almost-perfect behavior sheet yesterday, and his teacher wrote that he had an amazing day and she thinks we made a great decision that will encourage his independence. Wow! So I feel a lot better. 

I've eaten two Factor mealies and a Panera Bowl mealie since yesterday. The first Factor meal was garlic shrimp and broccoli in a tomato cream sauce--not particularly filling but very good! The second was Italian sausage, red peppers, and rosemary red potatoes--also good. The Panera Bowl was chicken caprese: shell pasta, sun-dried tomatoes, spinach, and chicken in pesto--yum. We went grocery shopping today, and gracious, it was expensive! But we're all set for whatever ice or snow is set to come on Friday. I bought everything a big batch of the pasta salad Josh likes (tricolor vegetable pasta, Zesty Italian dressing, cucumber, and fancy-shredded Mozzarella, plus mini pepperoni for my portions).

Josh and I spent another morning together with lots of snuggles. It's so nice to be still and close to him without the impending stomp-stomp-stomp into our room! Oliver didn't want to wake up this morning, but when Josh said, "It's time for school," Oliver popped right up! I'm guessing he probably won't have school on Friday because of the weather, and he's off on Monday. So he gets one more day. I noticed last week that Oliver seemed more relaxed at home without ABA people here. Maybe the company for six hours a day stressed him out too. 

I agreed to meet with Oliver's former BCBA tomorrow morning at 9:30. I'm not looking forward to that. I just want to say, "Hey, we broke up!" Josh will be in class from 9 to 1. I won't have to leave the house though! A day in which I don't have to drive is a good day, and it means Josh can use the reliable car.

I found some Violette stickers I didn't know I had, and I organized new stickers from my Pipsticks subscription. I decorated one of the journals I bought at Le Guardia airport in December. It's a Paperblanks journal with a Valentine's Day design, and I'll probably use it next. I love the decor and style of Valentine's Day. I knew this time of year would be tough for NoBuy because I love pink and red heart tops and socks and decor. I just need to stay away from Target, Loft, and...pretty much everywhere else. I still haven't spent any money on myself for fun this year--19 days! Another temptation is a Paperblanks Grande journal, which is beautiful and huge. I may be able to save up Amazon points for one.

Josh is still trying to get that Charlotte Bronte doll for my birthday; the auction ends tonight. I've also always wanted a Scarlett O'Hara doll because she has dark hair and green eyes like I do, and this one is gorgeous. So if Josh doesn't get Charlotte, I may ask him for Scarlett for my birthday. 

I'm having a hard time reading again. I'll try to fix that tonight.

Day 6: I didn't fix that. 

I've had other Factor meals: cauliflower pasta with marinara, sausage, and green beans (too spicy for me, but I love the way they season the green beans) and herb chicken with seasoned potatoes and Mozzarella. 

I'm thinking about how I can batch-cook my own version of some of these mealies. I could buy frozen chicken breasts, but I don't know what to do with them besides marinate them in Italian dressing. I did buy some fully-cooked frozen shrimp that would be good with asparagus and Parmesan couscous. I'm no cook. I used to buy frozen tilapia at Aldi and season it with Old Bay. Maybe I'll start doing that again. It's hard to cook meat when I'm the only one who eats it. 

Something else I like: Fratelli Beretta's Italian Style Small Plates. I found them with the Lunchables at Food Lion. I tried one with rustico salami, provolone, and mini bread sticks. I also got one with crostini, spicy provolone, and calabrese salami. I love charcuterie, which my family called dinner snacks. It can be as basic as summer sausage with Colby jack cubes and Wheat Thins or fancier with brie, sesame crackers, crab dip, grapes, and gourmet salami.

Josh did not win the Charlotte Bronte doll, and the Scarlett doll sold. So that's sad. I found a stunning and relatively reasonable Madame Alexander Cissy (21-inch) with the classic Cissy face. I like her dress and her medium-blond curls, but I most love her face. Cisettes (10-inch) and Cissys have wide faces like mine, and this doll has shiny dark nude lips (which reminds me of the lipstick I wore in high school) and light green eyes. 

I met with the BCBA and signed the discharge papers. We're done. ABA did Oliver a lot of good at various points, but it's time to move on. His occupational therapist should be back from maternity leave next month. In the meantime, he's getting plenty of personal attention and individualized activities at school. I've gotten no new word about Oliver's grant, so we will probably have to pay tuition for January out of pocket. 

Today, I've had a few hours at home by myself. I organized more stickers and decorated another journal I got in New York, this one a Peter Pauper Press (arguably my favorite line though the Strand Denik journals may win individually) journal with purple trees and red flowers. I wrote in my current journal (also a PPP, this one with a blue tree...I love PPP tree journals!) with a TWSBI Eco purple fountain pen with a sample of shimmery Diamine Lilac Satin ink (from a sample set I bought a year or two ago from Goulet Pen Co.). I have a big purple blotch on my middle finger--a writer's love bruise. I did ask for this Compoco firefly journal for my birthday. I also like this, this, and this. 

I think I have plenty of ink for this NoBuy year. We'll see! I am still waiting for some Van Dieman's Night ink I ordered from Australia last year after discovering the wonder of shimmer (sparkly) and sheen (duochrome) inks. Just remember, shimmering and sheening inks can clog most pens. I've found TWSBI Eco with a broad or stub nib to be the best, but Robert Oster Fire and Ice ink clogged my stub nib (so pretty and ultra shimmery though--I'll have to seek out one of my dip pens). I also love scented inks, which, in my experience, work well in any good pen. I'd love a scented sample pack...did you read that, Josh? I know; I know. I'm running out of birthday presents. 

Day 7: I did finish reading two stories from Wounds last night. They were quite dark. I liked "The Diabolist." I also read two chapters of The Patchwork Girl of Oz to the boys, so I did a decent amount of reading. For the last couple of days, I've felt lonely and sad in the evenings, but I think part of that is because I haven't been reading enough.

Josh ordered me the beautiful doll for my birthday! I'm thinking of what I will name her. Iris? Emmy? London? I'd love to collect clothes for her eventually. I wish I could sew clothes for her, but I'm much too lazy and impatient to learn. I saw a beautiful white and blue satin coat with sparkly buttons for a Cissy. I'm happy to have this doll to look forward to. In under five months, I'll see her lovely face. 

Josh and Oliver are home today due to winter weather that probably won't come. I'm under my heated blanket with an ice peppermint mocha I made. 

I'm working on the budget for next month. I don't think I'll be able to save much toward a down payment for a car, but I'll save as much as I can. Josh will get a little more testing money from December. We still have to pay for this month's ABA sessions. But I'm hoping Oliver's grant will come through, and the money we have for January tuition can go toward a down payment instead. I want to have a $3,000 down payment. $5,000 would be great, but that's not going to happen.

More Factor mealies! Grilled chicken in a creamy sauce with sun-dried tomatoes, spinach, and zucchini noodles--delicious, definitely my favorite (It's called Sun-Dried Tomato Chicken). Yesterday, I had pork tenderloin with cheesy cabbage (I didn't eat the cabbage because ew) and...you guessed it: green beans. Luckily, Factor knows how to make good green beans, and they're one of my favorite vegetables. Verdict: if you get a good discount, Factor is worthwhile (again, I don't go over about $6 a mealie). I like the Factor mealies better than Freshly (which is also pretty good). I'm trying a couple more heavily-discounted mealie plans in the next few weeks. One of them will actually include some meal kits--am I competent enough to cook something with all the ingredients before me? We'll see. They're two-serving kits, so I'll have leftovers. After that, I'm adding mealie plans to my NoBuy list. I'll learn to make my own. I'm getting lots of good ideas though. I want to try making good steamer bag long green beans with seasoning and slivered almonds--no more canned green beans for a while!

I finished my PPP blue tree journal and began my Paperblanks Valentina journal! It's #217. When I remember, I always write where and when I bought or received a journal inside the back cover. It's fun to see how long I've had a journal waiting and who gave it to me or whom I was with when I bought it. This one was technically a gift from my dad. Thanks, Dad!

Paperblanks journal pages are too thin for fountain pens, so I plan to use a variety of gel pens. I'm no longer sticking to two colors per journal; I'm writing with whatever I feel like using. I'm starting with a Uni ball Signo pen in gold--one I bought at Kinokuniya in New York City. 

My Van Dieman's ink arrived from Australia! They made a mistake with my order and sent two 50 ml bottles of Twilight Mist (indigo shimmer) instead of one TM and one Cherry Blossom Dream. I sent them an E-mail, so we'll see how the customer service is. I also got two 100 ml bottles: Shooting Star (sheening red/blue with gold shimmer) and Aurora Australis (sheening purple/green). I'll probably choose a journal with thicker paper next so I can try out the inks. It's fun to get something now that I ordered last year. Hopefully, they'll just send me that other bottle. I don't want to deal with international return shipping.

I got Oliver a pair of slippers with rubber soles and furry lining. They're perfect for playing in the backyard because he doesn't have to wear socks, and he can just about put the slippers on himself. That's good because he likes to go in and out a lot, which made the shoes-socks-coat routine taxing.

Josh and I put my favorite star sheets on our bed. I love going to bed with new sheets. I read two chapters of Oz 7 to the boys. We only have three chapters left! I may take a break from Oz and finish reading A Swiftly Tilting Planet to them. Both the Oz and Wrinkle in Time series are on my 40 before 40 list. We have a total of eleven books left to read together in the next few years. Whew. I have so many books for myself on that list, and I'm starting to feel I'm running low on time! Eventually, I'd like to read The Chronicles of Narnia to the boys. I just finished the series myself during grad school...which was actually a long time ago. Oh dear. 

Oliver just put on his slippers all by himself! He's making his fourth trip into the backyard. It's cold! We still haven't seen any precipitation though. I'm hoping Josh's parents will still be able to visit tomorrow for his birthday.