Stillness & Attention: Week 26.

Day 1: Saturday. We're almost at the mid-point of the year! I've kept up my NoBuy for almost six months. But since we got a major bill out of the way, I may spend my birthday money this weekend.

We'd made plans for this to be our outing day. I woke up early (5:30), but we weren't in a hurry. I'm not counting calories today, so I ate cheddar and sour cream Ruffles for breakfast. Oh yes. 

We first went to get groceries. We bought a little bag of dark plums. I don't think I've ever eaten a plum, but they were so pretty. I found fudge peanut cookies (faux Tagalongs) that I haven't seen in a long time. I'll hide them in the freezer. I got a cheesecake parfait but only ate half of it. 

I put away the groceries while Josh cleaned out the car. Then, we went to Lowe's to get a wire for the weed eater. That only took a few minutes. 

First fun stop: Barnes. I want to start going to Barnes at least once a month for the atmosphere and to keep tabs on new releases I may want to read. I like to be aware of what's out; that's what I loved about being a bookseller. 

I decided to buy three journals with my birthday money. Choosing wasn't so easy; Peter Pauper Press has a lot of great new journals. But I can also get those with points on Amazon. So I chose one PPP journal, Floral Fields. I loved the flowers in white, purples, and pinks. I got a Compendium (a great brand for journals) spiral journal that has a Rumi quotation: There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen. I love spiral jorunals; they're kind of hard to find. And I found the Under the Light of the Moon journal with designs by Katie Daisy on every page. I also got the summer issue of Oh Reader. I really need to catch up on my good magazines. 

We went next to Ulta. I wanted to look for a brown automatic eyeliner with sparkle--not the easiest item to find. I almost got the staff searching the store, but I was able to find Clinique Intense Quickliner in Intense Clove. It's a medium brown with a hint of silver shimmer. Brown eyeliner is allowed on my NoBuy list, so I didn't count that. I did count a Colour Pop Super Shocker Ultra Glitter eye shadow in Dream Much, a bright periwinkle with purple glitter. I fell for another sparkler: Fenty Beauty Diamond Bomb in Rose Rave. It's a rose gold highlighter with gold and pink glitter. I really liked another shade, How Many Carats?, but Ulta was out. The store was super busy. Josh stood in line while I continued to weave through the aisles. 

I tucked my orange Ulta bag into my purse so that the makeup wouldn't melt in the car, and we went to lunch at Carrabbas, one of my favorite restaurants. I had the perfect meal: bread with oil and herbs, an excellent Caesar salad, and the delicious mezzaluna pasta--sweet half moons of pasta with cheeses, chicken, and a tomato cream sauce. And I had two Shirley Temples. I only ate half the mezzaluna, so I'll have the leftovers for tomorrow. Even so, I couldn't have this meal on a calorie-counting day because it's basically my full allotment. But once every couple of months, I'm going to have it anyway. 

We came home and had some time to rest. Josh took a nap. I'm still not really able to sleep during the day. At the last minute, we got ready and went to the Woodpeckers baseball game. Justice for Our Neighbors was the nonprofit of the night. We arrived and immediately found the Dippin' Dots. I got chocolate chip cookie dough in a helmet. Josh got rainbow ice and a soft pretzel. We ate and visited the JFON table before finding our seats. It was hella hot. After an hour, we relocated to the JFON table. I didn't pay a lot of attention to the game. Josh kept looking over at me like he had a crush on me. 

When we got home, we both took showers. I've read almost nothing this weekend as I predicted--too enamored of my company.

Day 2: Sunday. We had another slow morning. I stayed up long enough last night to write in my journal. Today, I worked on my planner, which requires me to spread out with my stickers, pens, and colored pencils. I had my leftover mezzaluna. Josh went on a longer run as he usually does on Sundays. 

We drove to Rockingham in the afternoon to pick up Oliver. In the car, I read Trawling the Silences by Kathryn Stripling Byer aloud to Josh and then to both boys. We finished it. Kay was a visiting professor for a poetry seminar Josh and I took as seniors at ASU. She always encouraged us as writers, as a couple, and later as parents. Kay died in 2017, and we still miss her. Trawling was her final book of poems. 

Oliver seemed willing enough to come home. He had the worst meltdown Mom and Shane have seen over the weekend, but he was happy when they took him swimming at my brother's pool. I unpacked his bag, and we settled back into our routines. I'm happy Josh and I got this weekend to spend together, to rest, and to run around town. 

Day 3: Monday. Josh is back at work, but he got to come home for lunch. Oliver has been eating "biscuits," lite breakfast sandwiches from our freezer. He ate three of my turkey sausage, egg white, and cheese croissants and then ate one of Josh's plant-based "meat," spinach "egg" whites, and "cheese" English muffins. We were surprised to see him eat faux meat, but he did. He must be going through a growth spurt. We usually struggle to get him to eat enough, and he usually eats very little variety. We've found it impossible to force food on him since he got out of a high chair, so thank goodness for vitamins. 

I made a stack in the living room of the short story collections I want to read this summer. It's a little daunting to see!

Day 4: Tuesday. Today was a hard day. I felt a lot of hurt, anxiety, and conflict. I didn't read or write today. I didn't put on makeup--I try not to put it on when it's not going to be fun. Oliver's OT appointment was stressful because he managed to hit his head on the wall while looking out a window. When Oliver is hurt, he asks for help ("You need some help?") and rubs his eyes until they're raw. He says, "Blow your eyes?" I dried his eyes many times with a tissue. Once we were on our way home and we stopped for the customary post-appointment fries, he started to feel better. I'm relieved that we don't have OT next week. It's kind of an ordeal even when it goes well. 

This is a hard day for Josh too, and I'm worried about both of us. A friend I worked with at Borders has spent a lot of time messaging with me today, and she has made me feel less alone. 

Day 5: Wednesday. I didn't sleep enough last night, but I feel lighter today than I did yesterday. I found some comfort talking to Josh in the night. I'm not good at guessing what Josh is thinking and feeling, and telling me is difficult for him. But we're trying to make more of an effort. We also did yoga together this morning, which soothed some of my tension.

The last of my birthday prizes arrived today: stickers from the artist Rongrong DeVoe (Paris and Breakfast at Tiffany's!), Benefit Benetint lip stain (which smells like roses), and yes--Fenty Beauty Diamond Bomb in How Many Carats?. The highlighter is all silver, green, and lavender glitter. 

I read a bizarre story for the magazine and wrote in my journal, trying to get back to myself. I don't feel as hopeful as I did this morning, but I do feel like I have something to work with. 

Day 6: Thursday. Last night, Josh had a board meeting, so I got Oliver ready and put him to bed. He fell asleep quickly. I took a shower and went to bed too. Josh tickled my back. I slept more last night, so I feel better today. I still feel fragile emotionally. I'm not sure how to heal my mind and heart.

I finally got back to Wild Swims by Dorthe Nors. The story "The Fairgrounds" enchanted and haunted me. It's just a few pages long, but I wish I owned a copy of the collection just for that story. Still, reading feels really hard right now. I haven't read substantially in about a week. 

I wrote in my journal with copper and sepia pens. I ran laundry and the dishwasher. Josh got to come home for lunch. Usually, he's already eaten, and we just spend the hour close together on the couch. We have a three-day weekend coming, which I didn't realize. We need the time together. He's at work so much, and when he gets home, it's almost time to get Oliver ready for bed. I think we're both ready for the summer to wrap up. The program is halfway finished. 

But the good news is that Josh got paid today. We now have savings for the first time in a few months, I paid down some debt, and we paid off Josh's medical bills that have been following us around for a year. I also plan on paying off his undergraduate loans so that we won't have that payment when his grad school loan payments restart in August. None of this would have been possible if Josh weren't working so hard this summer. But I do miss him very much. Little bits of time together early in the morning and after Oliver goes to bed don't feel like enough. I'm thankful that we had last weekend, which has probably helped us get through this hard week.

My new (well, fourteen-year-old) poem came out in Gingerbread House Literary Magazine today! https://gingerbreadhouselitmag.com/2022/06/30/james-core/

Day 7: Friday. A new month begins. I made a few major goals for July:

I think I can do all these. Eleven books will bring me to twenty for June and July. I was hoping for twenty-five, but twenty is more likely. I only ended up reading nine books in June. 

I read four books of poetry, three YA novels, and two horror/thrillers. I did read Anatomy and The Other in one day each, which felt great. Sleepless took two days. I read Trawling the Silences during one long car trip. I'd been reading The Art of Losing to Josh for a long time.

My habit tracking was pretty sparse in June. I didn't get all my habits on any one day, and a lot of days only had one glitter green highlight. I hope to do better with similar habits in July.

But I'm doing quite well with my annual reading goal overall. At the halfway point of the year, I've read eighty-one books. I feel like I can handle some more challenging books since I should have no trouble meeting and exceeding my reading challenge for the year.

This evening, I went to the library and picked up three holds: a novel, a poetry chapbook, and a graphic memoir--a nice variety. Then, I went to Michael's and Target with Bruce. We spent time looking at stickers, glitters, paints, pens, toys, and school supplies. I found the most lovely sparkling fairy sticker book that I hope Josh will buy for me at some point. I did not buy it last night! I'm halfway through NoBuy2022. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 25.

Day 1: Saturday. We started the day early by getting ready and going to get groceries as a family. Oliver acted like he's been going to the grocery store for years! He only asked for donuts; he got those in lieu of his weekly McD hashbrowns. 

I changed into a hot pink Betsey Johnson dress with a wide ruffle and put on my birthday crown necklace. Bruce picked me up, and we listened to show tunes on the way to Durham. We arrived in plenty of time for our customary snack of soft pretzels and peanut M&Ms. I didn't expect to love Jesus Christ Superstar; the subject matter is rough, and I'm usually not crazy about concert-style musicals (I didn't love Hadestown at first). But it was awesome! So much talent was on that stage: incredible singing and such vigorous choreography. I was totally into it. 

I had a couple days last week Dr. Pepper started tasting normal again. It's tasted weird for most of about two months since I had strep. At first, I lost smell and taste completely, and I tested for COVID several times. But the weird taste came back. Bruce solved the mystery: it's the medication I started taking two months ago. It's an anti-depressant that also helps with weight loss. I forgot to put it in my pill box last week, so my taste returned to normal. I've also been having trouble reading, but last week, I read four books, two of them in one day each. My doctor told me that the medication might make me less "bright." So I'm going to try another week without the medication and see what happens to my weight loss, my taste, and my reading. Quicker weight loss doesn't make up for a loss of books and Dr. Pepper. Stayed tuned for that experiment. 

We got home a little earlier than usual since JCS didn't have an intermission, so I got to hang out with the boys before bedtime. I also read a little more of Wilder Girls. I only have a couple more days before summer begins, so this will be my last book for the spring YA focus. That will put me at eight YA books for the season. I'd prefer ten or twelve, but eight is okay. I'll still read the newest version of Anne Frank's diary soon. 

Day 2: Sunday. We had a quiet day at home. Oliver must have gotten his fill of outdoor activity yesterday. I read nine chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys, and then I read the final sixty pages of The Art of Losing to Josh. So I finished a book! We're going to read Joyful next for a change in tone. My mood has been heavier this month, so I'm hoping we'll both pick up some ideas. 

I made a lot of vegetable fried rice, using half brown rice and half riced cauliflower with corn, broccoli, carrots, sugar snap peas, sweet peas, baby corn, and red peppers. I did my workout today (I've fallen off that wagon over the last week), and Josh and I did yoga together (we've both fallen off that). We're also getting back into sharing our best three to five things from the day. I'm trying to put my good habits back together.

My ZURU mini purses arrived today! Now, I have a pink and white marbled zipper pouch just for tiny things. I'm leaving it out on the counter for now, and I look inside whenever I'm making food for Oliver. It's literally the little things. 

Day 3: Monday. I was determined to make today count. I've been listless a lot at home lately, too unfocused or unsettled to read effectively or pursue many of my habits. This morning, I spent a few minutes with Josh before he went to work. I read a letter he wrote to me in the notebook we share, and I wrote back to him. He had suggested that we each write a poem about something the other loves, so I wrote a poem called "The Run." It was my first poem of the month! I don't know if it's very good, but I feel great about having written it. I like Josh's writing assignments. 

I caught up on reading for the magazine, which is always a relief. Oliver has been in a good mood, playing outside a lot. I was able to zoom in on my words, stillness and attention, and really focus on a book. I read over two hundred pages of Wilder Girls and finished it. It was really good! I wish I knew what happened next. I plan to read Rory Power's other YA novel; HQ library has it, so I'll probably pick it up on Friday. I've decided to start going to the library on Fridays after Josh gets home from work: a little outing just for me after finishing the week. That's when I'll return books and pick up holds. 

I then finished my Hello Gorgeous Studio Oh journal. I'm going to start my cats and books journal from Strand. I love writing in journals that others have given me as gifts. I always write down who gave me the journal and when inside the back cover so I'll remember. 

Day 4: Tuesday. Today has had a slower start. I got caught up in something that upset me and had some self-doubt. It worked out, but I don't want to sink today. I talked to my therapist on the phone, catching her up on what's happened over the last month. While we talked, I decorated the pages of my Peter Pauper Press Song of Songs journal with stickers. Sometimes, every other journal I write in is PPP.

Summer begins today. That means I'm moving into reading short stories. I've had several short story summers; I think this is number 11. For this one, I want to read TWELVE story collections. These are the ones I want to read:

1. The Art of the Story: an anthology of contemporary short stories by writers all over the world. Bruce and I chose this as one of our birthday books. This is a big one, so we're planning to start it right away and go story by story.
2. Wild Swims: a Man Booker International Prize finalist translated from Danish; a short collection I asked the library to purchase (they did!). It's due in a few days.
3. Thirteen Stories and Thirteen Epitaphs: I don't remember anything about this one, but I know I asked the library to buy it, and I've checked it out. It's due in a few days.
4. If I Had Two Wings: a collection of southern magical realism; another book Bruce and I chose.
5. Christina Rivera Garza New and Selected Stories: a book I picked up from the new release shelf at the library.
6. Dreadful Young Ladies: an adults' speculative collection I own by Kelly Barnhill, who wrote The Girl Who Drank the Moon, which I recently read to the boys (and loved). 
7. Clarice Lispector's Collected Stories: I've just read that I must read her. This is a big one. I currently have it on hold at the library.
8. The Ocean House: another collection I asked the library to purchase. I read about it in a magazine, and I plan to pick it up on Friday. Full disclosure: I checked it out before but didn't get to it.
9. Cities I've Never Lived In: same as Ocean House.
10. Best American Short Stories 2021: the annual anthology. I want to be the kind of person who reads this (and Best American Poetry and Best American Essays) every year. I've read BAP 2021, so I'll read this one this summer and BAE 2021 this fall. The 2022 anthologies will come out late in the year. I'm wondering if anyone would like to read them with me. This one is on its way from another library; why doesn't ours have it?
11. Starry-Eyed: an anthology of sixteen YA stories involving theatre. How fun is that? I got the book from the library.
12. The Way Spring Arrives and Other Stories: one of the most specific collections I've ever seen. It's an anthology of speculative stories that female and non-binary authors have written, edited, and translated from the Chinese. Amazingly, I was able to get it from another library. 

A few of these are quite long. It's going to be a challenge. But I can read four story collections per month for three months. Anyway, I'm so far ahead on my reading goal that I can take my time if I need to. But I have other library books to remember as well! I hope to get a good start, starting today. 

I'd also really like to catch up on Best Small Fictions: I have 2019 and 2021 waiting. I have 2020 somewhere (Amazon says I bought it in January 2021), but I can't find it. So maybe make that five story collections a month, plus the other library books. Well, we'll see how far I'll get!

Ah, I found 2020. I'm working on a short story collection stack to keep myself on track visually.

Day 5: Wednesday. Today was a hard day. I had a difficult event and took most of the day to recover from it. I have a lot of questions for myself, and I don't know how to answer them. 

Oliver spent lunchtime on campus with Josh. He ate a lot of chips and Reeses cups and did well (who wouldn't?). 

I did have a victory today though: I paid off Oliver's major therapy bill ($980!) with leftover funds from his ESA. I didn't know if I'd be able to, but I got the confirmation today. And the therapy center takes on the fee, so we don't owe a dime. And it looks like I may be able to pay off another, smaller therapy bill the same way. 

Day 6: Thursday. Driving day! Oliver started on a meltdown right before I got ready. I told him we were going to see Marmee, which kind of redirected him. He's always great in the car. I listened to The Testaments. It's quite good, and I almost wish I had to drive more so I could listen to it more. 

We met Mom at Discovery Place in Rockingham. Oliver has been there several times but not since the pandemic started. He was extremely anxious when we arrived. He tried to run from me out the door and into the street twice. I picked him up and told him he didn't have to play. He eventually became curious and ran to the fire truck. His getting up on the fire truck took many tries, but he did it. Luckily, we almost had the place to ourselves, and the staff was nice about turning down the club-level music. We went up and down the elevator (stairs were too much). He ended up smiling, playing, and jumping but said after about an hour, "Wanna go to Marmee and Papa's house." 

Mom had given me birthday presents that I didn't really get to look at until later. This birthday was Ariel-themed; I love themed presents. She gave me an Ariel ballerina doll that is wearing sparkles and aqua ballet slippers. It's something I'd seen and liked but probably wouldn't have bought for myself (certainly not this year). Keeping with the theme of tiny things, she gave me a miniature silver Ariel backpack full of tiny stationery supplies, including a bitsy notebook and pen and the tiniest page flags I've ever seen (I love page flags). And she gave me a lovely aqua and white Ariel satchel purse, saying it could be my summer purse. The back shows the underwater castle! 

The drive home went quickly with my audio book, but I missed Oliver, especially when I was home by myself for an hour. We've only been apart for three nights once when we went to New York. But once I picked up Josh from work, I started to feel happy about our extended weekend. We picked up Chinese food--chicken and broccoli for me. It was delicious. Now we can get in bed and talk, something we don't get to do much.

Day 7: Friday. Josh didn't have to work this morning because he's chaperoning at a baseball game tonight. Waking up with Josh was so nice. Normally, Oliver stomps into our room and wakes us. But we slept until close to 8 today and weren't in a hurry to get up. Josh went for a late-morning run while I sat in the sunlight and scribbled. When Josh got back, we rested again, and then he tackled the cleaning while I picked up the house and put away laundry. I also put new jewelry (which I ordered with birthday money) on London--so gorgeous!

The library called me and said I had some books waiting; the automatic alert system is out. So we went to the library. I climbed the stairs without getting winded and tachy! I checked out ten books, six of them holds, most of them short story collections from my list. Josh smiled at the way I said, "Yes, please," when the library staff member asked if I wanted to check out my holds and the stack I'd brought down. I stuffed my tote bag (the one I used when I was teaching), and we went to Walgreens. We picked up meds, Dr. Pepper, and sheet protectors (Oliver's favorite thing...he needs some fresh ones). 

We had some time to rest before Josh had to go to the baseball game for work. He napped while I contemplated everything and nothing contentedly. When Josh left, I got straight into a hot bath. I had some anxiety about today's events (the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade) but didn't really know how to express them since the subject is a slippery one for me. I believe I would not terminate a healthy pregnancy. But what about unhealthy pregnancies? What happens when a pregnancy will not result in live birth or the mother is in danger? And what's next? It's scary, and I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it as everyone I care about leans heavily on one side or the other. 

But I read fifty pages of Wild Swims, the first collection I'm tackling. The stories are spare and strange without speculation. I can't see myself pulling off stories like Nors's. It's a brief collection, so I hope to finish it quickly. But I don't know how much reading I'll do this weekend since all I want to do is be around Josh.

Stillness & Attention: Week 24.

Day 1: Saturday. Josh had to work today because his program had orientation. He didn't have to stay late though. I'd told Bruce to choose our first tiny book club birthday book, and he chose The Other by Thomas Tryon, a book I noticed in the horror section last month. So I started it today. And I finished it. I basically read all day. It was great. I gave the book 4 stars--creepy and surprising with a strong atmosphere. Far from complaining about my being absorbed in a book all day, Josh twice told me how proud he is of all the reading I've been doing. Immersing myself in books does feel wonderful, and it makes me feel like myself. So that's four books this week, which was my goal. It's five books for the month, which is fine. I still hope to read thirteen books in June.

Day 2: Sunday. I was a little down today, anxious about tomorrow. I'll be taking Oliver to the dentist on my own, and I don't know how it will go. 

Day 3: Monday. Today was tough. All in all, it went fairly well, but it didn't feel that way at the time. We took Josh to work so we could have the car. I got ready and told Oliver we were going to his school to pick up some papers. So we went to his school to pick up his summer worksheets (which will mean very little to him, but we'll do them). He was bewildered and wouldn't go up the second set of stairs to the office. The staff brought the packet down to us, and the principal came down to greet Oliver. He seemed relieved when we left. I told him that we were going to put some books in a big box, so we went to the library and returned eight books. He thought that was odd too, but he helped me push the books into the return slot. 

We were home for a while and then left to drive to the dentist, which is a not-so-easy thirty-minute drive. I'm a very nervous driver, especially if the route is unfamiliar. At first, they said we had to come inside to check in, and once I opened Oliver's door, he was determined to get out. So, we ended up walking in 100+-degree heat in the parking lot for about twenty-five minutes while we waited. 

The exam itself was rough. I sat sideways on the chair with the dentist's knees against mine and Oliver lying across our laps. Oliver struggled, bled, and choked. I had to hold him down. I had explained that we were going to a doctor who would look at his teeth and brush his teeth, and he seemed to remember the place from his visit with Josh, but it was still quite stressful. Luckily, the dentist was experienced and quick. As soon as Oliver was recovered, he was smiling again. We made the necessary stop for fries and got to the college just in time to pick up Josh.

Day 4: Tuesday. Last night, I fell asleep the moment I lay down and slept for about eleven hours, 7 p.m. to 6 a.m. That's probably why I've been able to handle this day. Oliver had a pretty thorough meltdown while I was trying to get ready to take him to OT. It involved my trying to play a video for him while he shouted and soap got in my eyes (I'd been trying to take a shower). After about thirty minutes, he calmed down enough that I was able to take him to therapy (I hadn't put on makeup, but I was dressed!), and he did great there. Oliver recovers so quickly from his meltdowns, and Josh and I are shell-shocked for hours afterward. OT in itself is quite a production, and I've considered canceling it. He hasn't made much progress, but that's not necessarily the therapist's fault; Oliver is not really interested in acquiring new skills. 

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'm mostly just tired. I did finish the thriller Sleepless today. It was okay. 

Day 5: Wednesday. My birthday. This wasn't the easiest birthday; Oliver had two meltdowns (one mini and one full-blown), and Josh worked most of the day. But Josh set aside his workout this morning, and we got to wake up together, which is rare and one of my favorite things. Oliver soon woke up, and we went downstairs. Josh gave me the birthday presents that have been gathering dust in his closet for months. 

London is a Madame Alexander 21-inch Cissy fashion doll. Her line name is Eighties Elegance. She has dark blond up-swept hair with ringlets, coffee-nude lips and polish, and moss green eyes. She's wearing a pale green strapless gown with flowers and embroidery. 

She has a flowering vine bracelet and matching earrings and green high-heeled sandals. I've wanted a Cissy with the classic face style for a long time, and this one is just so pretty. I hope to collect some fashions for her. She's now atop my second journal bookcase.

Josh also gave me two awesome journals. One has a sketch of books and cats; it's a Denik journal from Strand in New York City. The other is a Compoco Born to Shine firefly journal with gold shimmer details and metallic indigo page edges. 

The last present was a Betsey Johnson crown necklace densely decorated with pink, blue, and opal stones. I wore it right away. I love snowflakes, keys, seahorses, and crowns on everything, especially jewelry. 

A doll, two journals, and a necklace--pretty awesome presents.

I also received a package: my mom sent me two ZURU Mini Fashion purses! I love tiny things. These bags fit in your palm and come with itty bitty accessories like compacts that open and have mirrors, perfume bottles with removable lids, and real makeup brushes. They're so fun that I spent a little birthday money to order some more. I plan to use one of my zipper pouches to hold my favorite tiny things so I can look at them when I need a little shot of joy.

My dad was in Charlotte for a trade show, so he came to visit. We got Mash House takeout and met at his hotel lobby. Oliver was happy and pleasant (you'd never know he'd just pulled a wooden picture off the wall and thrown it at me, broken glass, or tried desperately to escape through the front door or back gate) and ate fries, ice cream, and brownie cheesecake. Josh got to pet Dad's dog Buckley. It was a nice visit. Dad and Michelle gave me some birthday money, which will be enough to pay off Oliver's OT bill. But if and when we're in a better spot financially, I may spend a little of it on fun. 

When we got home, we gave Oliver his meds, so he didn't go to bed until late. Josh and I cuddled on the couch, both pretty tired. It's been a long week already. 

Day 6: Thursday. I felt a little frozen today and didn't accomplish much. I've put stickers in both my new journals. I plan to use the Strand one next. I scribbled a lot, read a lot for the magazine (caught up!), and did a few loads of laundry. Oliver got a little high-strung at one point but was mostly in a good mood. None of us is used to Josh working this much, and our whole routine is different. 

Day 7: Friday. I feel lighter today than I have the rest of the week. It's a pretty day. This is Bruce's birthday. We were ten years younger when we became friends: twenty-four and twenty-seven. That's crazy! Our lives have changed a bit since then. Oliver wasn't even a year old! Tomorrow, Bruce and I get to go to DPAC to see Jesus Christ Superstar. Show days are always joyful, and this one will be a fun way to end our birthday week. 

I'm behind on reading. Yesterday, I really only read for the magazine. I'm about one-third through Olga Dies Dreaming, and I'm tempted to give up on it. I just don't care about (or like) any of the characters. And it's quite late. I'm going to return the other two late books; I have some holds waiting on me. 

All right, I took out my bookmark and removed the book from GoodReads. If I'm avoiding reading to avoid a book, it's time to move on. I'm going to be more selective with the books I check out; I don't know what drew me to this one. Instead, I'm reading the definitive edition of Anne Frank's diary. I think I've read the more edited version twice but probably twenty years ago, yet the text is familiar. I want the diary and Wilder Girls to be my final two YA picks for spring. I only have a few more days! And Bruce and I are going to DPAC tomorrow, so I won't have a lot of reading time. It will be a great day though. 

Last Day of 36.

Every year on the day before my birthday, I think about what I've managed to do during that year. Externally, it may not seem that I've done much this year, but I have. 

I celebrated our fifteenth wedding anniversary.

I got Oliver into a good school and secured funding for it.

I've read 129 books over the last year. 

I took a YA writing class with a bestselling author and worked on some of the scary marketing aspects of publishing.

I've sent out over 250 pieces (many still under consideration) and received seven acceptances. 

I wrote a third draft of Break a Wish and then proofread with help from Josh and Bruce.

I've done scary things like taking Oliver to the dentist by myself, taking him to the eye doctor, and doing my first interview in years. 

I've lost weight and started practicing yoga.

I've traveled to New York City for the first time, my major travel dream.

I've seen several shows, including three on Broadway.

I've written some pieces I really needed to write.

I'm a little tired. But I do look forward to seeing what comes.

Stillness & Attention: Week 23.

Day 1: Saturday. We decided to be adventurous today. We took Oliver to Barnes and to the grocery store! He hasn't been to the grocery store since he could fit in the cart. I reached a fitness goal today, so Josh bought me two prizes: a new Peter Pauper Press journal and a magazine. The journal's has art from a 19th-century French edition of the Song of Songs. The magazine is Oh Reader, which I have been wanting to try out and thinking about subscribing to next year. 

We were only at Barnes for a few minutes, and we had explained to Oliver what we were going to do. The grocery store took much longer and was much brighter and busier. But Oliver did quite well. He only rarely wandered away from us (I held his hand some of the time), and he only asked for one thing (we bought the box of mini crullers). That must have been plenty of stimulation for him because he didn't ask to go to the park. I think that we can now go grocery shopping as a family, which is pretty amazing. 

We did all that before 10:30. I spent much of the day near Josh while reading Sharon Olds's poems in Blood, Tin, Straw. I finished the book, my first book of June. I want to read 13 books this month so I can read 25 by the end of July. That will bring me quite close to my goal for the year. I wonder how far I'll get in 2022. 

I got back to my exercising, doing my workout and doing yoga with Josh. I haven't sent a submission in a few days, and I'm behind on a lot of my reading. But I'm trying to get back on track.

Day 2: Sunday. I slept until 8:30 today! It was so nice. Josh went for an 8+-mile run. I hung out with Oliver and wrote in my journal. After lunch, we went to the park for two hours. I read 80 pages of poetry from The Art of Losing to Josh. We only have about 60 pages left. The poems are quite good, but after this book, we're going to read something happy. 

When we got home, I read three chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys as I did yesterday. We're not halfway through it yet. Next week, I plan to start reading the eighth Oz book to Oliver while Josh is at work. We don't have a lot of time for reading when Josh gets home. 

Thursday was an anxious day, and Friday was depressed. Yesterday was hopeful, and I think today will be hopeful too (maybe even passionate). So my mood is improving. More reading is probably helpful. I did send a submission today.

Day 3: Monday. I finished reading Winterwood. I enjoyed it, and I'll probably read more of Shea Ernshaw's books. I hope the library has them. Next on my YA list is Anatomy by Dana Schwartz. I've been working on that medical bill situation, but I'm not likely to resolve anything today. 

Josh did come home for lunch, and we did do yoga, so we got a little time together. Oliver had a meltdown with crying and yelling but no breaking. I didn't do much of what I intended to do today, but I'm trying to give myself grace as I adjust to our summer schedule. 

Day 4: Tuesday. Oliver slept late, so I got some quiet time to ponder and scribble in the morning. I also read 80 pages of Sharon Olds's Odes poems. When Josh came home for lunch, we took him back to work so I could take Oliver to OT. That was a bit of an ordeal as usual, but Oliver was in a good mood. We later picked Josh up from work and got to see his office and meet his supervisors. We three left holding hands.

Day 5: Wednesday. Last night, when the boys went to bed, I fell asleep hard on the couch under my heated throw. Josh had to wake me up so I'd go to bed. I've been quite sleepy in the evenings even though I'm sleeping well at night. I only seem to have about twelve hours of energy. 

This morning, I finished reading Odes. Next comes Sharon Olds's Arias, which is longer. Oliver got to spend some time outside before a thunderstorm came through. When Josh was home for lunch, we cuddled on the couch and watched the rain. 

Day 6: Thursday. This morning, I got an acceptance from an online journal based in the UK. It was for a poem I wrote back in 2009 while I was still a grad student. I'm enjoying the fact that both old and new poems are getting published. I still think my older poems are better because I was more in practice, more immersed in poetry. But I'm trying to read as much poetry as I can again.

I started and finished Anatomy by Dana Schwartz today! My reading a book in one day (even poetry) is pretty rare. This was great fun. 

Day 7: Friday. Today, I'm writing with a Pentel metallic Sunburst pen in violet. 

It was a good mail day. I got a birthday card from Melissa and a sticker subscription from Mrs. Grossman. I also received a small Amazon package, and I wasn't sure what it was. It turned out to be a surprise gift from my friend Jan, with whom I worked at Borders. She sent a lovely Peter Pauper Press hydrangea journal and crystal-filled, stone-stopped pens! I don't think she even knew my birthday is coming. That really brightened my day. 

I've started reading Wilder Girls as my current YA pick. I think it's going to be good. I spent a little time on Arias and Olga Dies Dreaming. I haven't been reading to the boys this week; we don't have a lot of time when Josh gets home, and I haven't felt like starting Oz 8 with Oliver. I'll try to do better next week.

This evening, Bruce and I had our birthdayte! We went to Barnes and browsed as usual. We were there for about two and a half hours. We drank coffee and talked through fiction, horror, YA, reference, new releases, and poetry. As our birthday gift to each other, we each got copies of seven books that we chose for our tiny book club. Bruce and I have read about forty books together over the last nine years, but we haven't read together much lately. We ended up with two books of short stories: one a large anthology of contemporary stories from around the world and the other a collection of southern magical realism stories; a literary science fiction book that I've been wanting to read; and four horror books! We have a lot of cross-over in our literary tastes (including our dislikes). Reading horror with a friend can be really fun. I can't wait to start these books.

Last Day of 35.

Thirty-five has been crazy. I'm trying to think of what I've done. 

• Home schooled a nine-year-old with autism
• Stayed married
• Read 70 books
• Wrote a novella
• Finished writing two books of poetry
• Finished writing two chapbooks of poetry
• Published seven poems and one piece of non-fiction
• Finished my 201st journal
• Took a class and a seminar with my favorite writer
• Started taking a class in something for which I don't have talent (drawing)
• Stayed in a B&B for the first time in ten years
• Recovered and maintained mental stability

It hasn't been my most impressive year, but I've done a lot. I'm okay with saying goodbye to thirty-five. Now, I just have to summon the energy to say hello to thirty-six.

Last Day of 34.

Every year on the day before my birthday, I think about what I've accomplished or experienced over the past year. Have I earned another year? At 34, I 

• read 43 books
• read 6 books to which I gave 5 stars on GoodReads
• homeschooled a child with special needs for weeks despite the fact that it literally almost killed me
• participated in remote learning including sticker math, pirate art, and superhero workouts
• conducted occupational therapy sessions with telehealth
• spoke up about my need to go to the hospital despite many good reasons to lie about it
• wrote about hospital stay and shared experience
• tolerated medication increase with side effects
• went out alone after hospital release
• saw 4 musicals, all new to me
• celebrated 7 years of buddyship
• paid off a large lingering cost of Oliver's therapy
• paid off all but one credit card
• wrote 62 blog posts
• wrote my first short story in forever
• lost 30 pounds
• said, "I love you," to someone new

Nourish/Challenge: Week 36.

Oliver's birthday was last Wednesday. He's 8 years old! We didn't have much planned for the actual day; Josh was working late, and Oliver didn't seem to care much. But as we were driving home from OT, I turned in to Sonic.

Oliver: Want ice cream.
Me: We're going to get some.

So I ordered cherry Sprite, 2 plain hot dogs, and 2 mini Reeses Blasts. It was a pretty good birthday feast.

So on Saturday, we drove to the transportation museum in Spencer to see Thomas and all six grandparental units. We rode the train, checked out other vehicles, bought presents from the gift shop--difficult when your child doesn't play with toys much. Mom helped me find gifts for Oliver--a fleecy blanket, a red tee showing Thomas having different emotions, and a mug Oliver can drink his milk from. I found a copy of Goodnight, North Carolina, which Oliver loved until he shredded it. I bought it thinking we could try again...and keep the book out of reach when we're not reading it to Oliver. The day went by well.

I've been reading a little more, and I'm rebuilding that connection to words on a page. Bruce and I finished All Out, our 26th book. And we started a book of stories by Joe Hill, whom my brother, James, recommended to me. It's wild so far.

Bruce traded his car for a bit of an upgrade. It's lovely, and I look forward to my next ride to DPAC for Aladdin. 

On Tuesdays, I've been going to the school to take care of Oliver at 10 and having a meeting with the ABA supervisor at 11. I ended up with half an hour or so. One week, I went to Barnes and found a beautiful journal with a mama and a baby unicorn. I didn't even have to look to see that it came from my favorite journal publisher, Peter Pauper Press.

Another Tuesday, I went to Ulta. I didn't buy anything, but I covered my arms with glitters for about 20 minutes--a great way to use my time! Glitter always feels nourishing to me, wherever it is but especially when I wear it.

All about Oliver.

Tomorrow is Oliver's 8th birthday! Here is a little more about him.

• Favorite Toy: Probably Brr Brr even though he doesn't play with or cuddle the Beanie Baby English bulldog the way he used to. He likes to have Brr Brr on car trips.
• Favorite Color: Red. This has been consistent for years.
• Favorite Clothes: A red Super Grover T-shirt or gray pajama pants with tigers on them ("Tiger pants").
• Favorite Animal: Lion (also consistent for years).
• Favorite Foods: Pepperoni, dill pickles, Welch's fruit snacks, sausage, chicken fries, Doritos, taquitos, donuts!
• Favorite Drinks: Low-sugar grape Gatorade, whole milk
• Favorite Movie: He doesn't watch movies except the feature-length Thomas episodes like Misty Island Rescue.
• Favorite Song: "Uptown Funk" ("Up Down Funny Up") and "Let It Go."
• Best Friends: Probably Josh, Bruce, and Miss KS.
• Favorite Activities: Tearing paper, preferably magazines, and spreading the shreds all over the house. Changing locations and available foods as often as possible.
• Challenges: Communication and other autism-related issues.
• Talents: Preserving the face of a pretty girl in a magazine. Jumping. Dancing. Singing. Bonding with special adults. Being happy.

My 34th Birthday.

I used to be particular about my birthday: celebration had to happen on the actual day. I've gotten over that, so my birthday spread into mid-June, both ways.

I get a beautiful card in the mail every year from my grandparents. They sent me a Target gift card for fun. Some time soon, I'll go on a spree and remember to tell Nanna and Grandpa what I bought.

Bruce and I have birthdays two days apart (and he's 3 years younger), so we celebrate once together. I focused on writing and Broadway's The Lion King for Bruce's gifts. He gave me a few journals (roses and mermaids) and several books he believed I'd like. I can't wait to read them all.

Josh gave me what I requested: an Urban Decay (my favorite fancy makeup brand) birthday. He gave me gel with large and tiny lilac glitter. He gave me UD's Game of Thrones eye shadow palette. I don't care much about G of T, but the palette is one of my favorites; only 3 of 20 shadows are matte. He gave me a Heavy Metal glitter liner in a new Christmas green. And he gave me two eyeliners--Viper, metallic purple with fuchsia glitter and Electric Empire, a sparkly emerald shade. I'm excited to try everything. I have used the palette and the eye pencils so far.

Mom mailed me a piece of sewing with a dark-haired fairy, a hydrangea in her hand and wild violets at her feet. I have it propped up on the bookcase by my bed. A couple of years ago, Mom gave me a framed drawing of a mermaid with dark hair and green eyes like mine. When we arrived in Charlotte, Mom gave me a gorgeous clear box with rainbow-haired mermaids. I wish I could find more. And heavy seahorse bookends. I love how seahorses just pop up in my life.

After our quiet trip, we saw Dad and Michelle, who gave us gift cards on top of giving us our first getaway. Michelle had a gift she kept forgetting to give me. It' a medium-length silver necklace with a silver circle with amethyst crystals hanging from it. My taste!

So I'm 34 now, some great new books and new makeup to play with along with other sweet objects and fun future shopping. It's a good start.

Last Day of 33.

Every year, right before my birthday, I think about what the year has meant, what I've accomplished, who I've become, and why I'm worth another year.

As a 33-year-old,

• I celebrated my 12-year wedding anniversary with Josh.
• I've helped Oliver get through first grade and much therapy of different types.
• I've let my reading and writing slide here toward the end, but I will get it back on track.
• I've finished 45 books in a variety of genres. 
• I've read a good bit of poetry. 
• I've completed 5 journals.
• I've worked to keep my blogs fresh.
• I made almost 200 posts on my two blogs.
• I've dressed just as I please. Nothing is too special.
• I've managed to spend time with a new person, one of the few people who make me feel calm. I've been brave.
• I've kept up with a therapist and a psychiatrist. 
• I've taken my medication every day, no matter how often it changes and how the side effects change me.
• I've shown up and paid a lot of necessary dental work. 
• I went to my doctor for a physical and endured various tests (all is well) like a responsible adult.
• I returned to the college where I used to teach because one of our dear former professors was giving a reading. I didn't know if people would remember or recognize me. I didn't know how I'd react to being at the site of some of my biggest failures. But everyone was warm and happy to see me, and it was a great day.
• I've helped Josh a little with his humanitarian project.
• I got to see my brother-in-law get married. And Josh and I danced!
• I saw 8 musicals. 

That looks better than I expected. I'm ready.

Restoration: Week 24.

Last Friday was my birthday. Since gifts are my love language, I usually feel well-loved and restored around my birthday and Christmas. I feel seen, appreciation, and cherished. Josh has Fridays off this summer, so we were together.

I hadn't watched a movie by myself in a long time, so I rented Mary Shelley. I like Elle Fanning. The movie was mostly sad. Still, movies almost always have a restorative effect on me. They seem to light up new parts of my mind.

Bruce's birthday was on Sunday, so we celebrated on Saturday. He made a massive chocolate cake. We bought each other exactly the same two presents--two specific bath gels. Crazy. He remembered my saying that I've been loving lilac scent (Mom's favorite) lately. He gave me a lilac candle and lilac Wallflowers. And he found a Lisa Frank journal!

My favorite gifts from Josh were two journals--Ariel and Cinderella--in a Mary Blair-ish style. My favorite from Mom and Shane is a set of colorful mermaid-tail makeup brushes--so fun. Dad gave me birthday money; I used some of it to buy story collections for my summer reading.

I feel I have a real chance for serenity and contentment.

Last Day of 32.

My year was a full one. I read 47 books, including plenty of poetry. I managed to swim back toward reading despite cognitive challenges.

I think I've gotten close to both my parents and stepparents. We're all patched together, and it's enough to warm me.

I (Mom) dyed my hair black again, and I grew it out. I love it--I put on red lipstick and feel like Snow White.

I've danced so much with Oliver.

I'm on a different mix of medications right now, and they seem to be working.

I've kept up with my blog--4 or 5 posts a week.

I've experimented with makeup, playing with products I've never really used, such as lip liner, blush, and highlighters. My makeup bag is an arsenal of happiness!

I've fallen for avocados. I eat them every week.

I've worked toward an acceptance of my body and how it has changed.

I've paid down debt.

I've gotten through more trauma.

I've seen so many gorgeous shows, and I saw Phantom from the front row! I'll never forget the wonder of that.

I'm satisfied with this year and eager to start a new one.

Restoration: Week 23.

This past weekend, the boys and I went to Charlotte because my brother was getting baptized. I cried during the baptism, and my dad came over and held me. That was a restorative moment. And I'm happy James experienced restoration too.

I had some good talking time with Mom, which always restores me. Shane brought home a cheesecake to celebrate my upcoming birthday. We had burgers on Saturday night, and Mom had even sliced up some avocado! And Mom gave me some sweet birthday presents: a beautiful Bella Pilar journal, a lovely large mermaid pouch, antique key stickers, sparkly pencils, and a huge set of mermaid tail makeup brushes! Gifts always restore me and the relationship. I feel loved every time I use a gift.

I was happy that we were all there together for James. That felt like restoration too--a kind of family I can accept and appreciate.

To My Husband on His Birthday.

Josh and I met in college theatre and poetry classes. I asked him to read a thematically difficult poem to the class, and he did it without hesitation. I thought he was a good poet, and I respected his comments on my poems. We were 20.

About a year and a half later, we got married. His champagne tie matched my lacy dress. We've never regretted our court house wedding with just parents, siblings, and my darling friend Melissa. We had jumped on my brother's trampoline that morning.

Today, Josh is 33. He's teaching an English class at the local community college right now. We've done a lot of growing up together. He was diagnosed with narcolepsy. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and later with bipolar disorder and panic disorder. We had a son through a harrowing birth. Our baby was diagnosed with autism a few years later. We've lived through many other disasters and tragedies. We're still alive and still together. Here are some of my favorite things about him:

• He's a patient and energetic father. He's taken Oliver to the park (actually many local parks) countless times.
• He works so hard. When I could no longer work he took over and has taken care of us, working as much as possible.
• He has a great sense of humor. He laughs freely and knows what will make me laugh.
• He's generous. He wants me to have everything I want, and he always thinks well of me.
• He's a bold reader. He could read anything. And sometimes, he reads books I've just finished. He sets a good example of reading for Oliver.
• He has a talent and great patience for genealogy. 
• He supports my reading and writing, staying aware of what I'm reading.
• His curls are adorable.
• I love his face when he laughs.
• I like the way he types.
• He is always gentle.

Happy birthday, my love.

Last Day of 31.

Every year on the day before my birthday, I take some time to write about or at least ponder all that I've done in the previous year. I feel like I should earn the next year. Thirty-one has not been an easy year, so I'm going to do my best with this.

• I've adjusted to being a stay-at-home mother--not the best one, but a functional one.
• I spent the entire year trying to get Oliver set up in ABA therapy. And tomorrow, on my birthday, Oliver will meet his own ABA technician who will work with him one-on-one for 20 hours a week.
• I got Oliver into pre-Kindergarten--much paperwork and plenty of meetings (with help from Mom).
• I recovered from my first broken bone.
• I embraced stability when I had it and didn't despair when I lost it. I'm scraping along.
• I watched my blog exceed 100,000 views.
• I read 39 books.

My list is usually much longer, but some of these are especially impactful or took an especially long time. So, do you think that's enough?

Last Day of 30.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Before my birthdays, I like to think about what I've accomplished during the year. I think of it as earning another year.

As a 30-year-old,

• I've been a pretty successful stay-at-home mama.
• I've taken care of a child with special needs. 
• I've managed appointments with several specialists for Oliver.
• I've done mountains of paperwork concerning Oliver. 
• I've worked hard to manage my own health.
• I've read 44 books.
• I've been to 11 shows.
• I've re-watched many of my favorite movies.
• I've maintained my closest relationships.

This has not been an easy year. But I think I've done my best. Let's see what 31 is all about.

Favorites Now Part II.

Gold Dots: These have become quite popular, and I love them. I love them on black, white, pink...probably any color. Searching for "gold dots" on Pinterest brings up so many examples. I have a print from Paper Source that says "You Sparkle--You Shine" in gold script with gold dots. It catches the slightest light even when the room is dark. I'd love to have all the journals, wall art, file folders, pillows, and other objects that use gold dots. 

Milkshake Straws: I didn't know these existed. I find them at Food Lion. The are pastel and individually wrapped. I haven't tried them with actual milkshakes, but they are great when I'm drinking water, want a straw, and don't want to sip daintily.

Canada Dry Blackberry Ginger Ale: My soul companion, Bruce, got me into this. We walk together a few times a week, and one evening, he brought a 2-liter bottle with a little soda left. I swigged it like a pirate, not expecting to like it (I'm a picky and not-at-all-adventurous eater/drinker). But it was delicious, and I've been buying it ever since. It's limited edition, so I'll be bummed when it's gone. It tastes like ginger ale with grape soda but not so sweet.

Anthropologie Glasses: Can you tell that I'm taking medication that makes me extremely thirsty and therefore obsessed with all beverage topics? I bought these last year when Mom and I went to South Park, a fancy mall in Charlotte, for my birthday. I have the glasses in that striking green and bashful tanzanite. Josh washes them by hand for me. I love using them for juice and lemonade.

Cinderella Bag: I'm fairly obsessed with the live-action movie itself and quite disappointed that it won't be out on DVD until September. The costumes, the music, the greater focus on Cinderella's childhood, the mere sight of Kenneth Branagh's name in the credits...perfect. Mom and Shane gave me a bag based on the movie for my 30th last week. I never thought I would have a Le Sport Sac purse...I feel pretty fancy. The silver thread in the straps and the baby pink lining are gorgeous details. The bag can hold my journal and books along with the usual.

Image: https://www.lesportsac.com/Hailey_Tote?color=P669

My 30s.

Growing up, I thought a lot about my 20s. I thought that would be the best decade of my life--youth and freedom, creativity, love. Those did come, but so did more pain and difficulty than I could have imagined. Just before my birthday (yesterday), I realized that I'd never really thought about my 30s. So here are some thoughts.

• I want my 30s to be financially stable, even if we don't have much to spend on extras. 
• I want my 30s to be a well-read decade. I'd love to read 50 books each year and come out with 500 more books.
• I want to be creatively productive--25 or more journals. Collages. Design books (albums in which I paste photos, mostly of inspiring rooms), expressive makeup.
• I'd like to get back to writing letters and see how it feels to have more friends, at least on paper.
• I want to follow all my treatments well and learn more about them.
• I want to be an engaged mother and introduce Oliver to fantasy, science fiction, theatre, art....
• I want to be deeply connected to the theatre too.
• I want to keep my closest connections and build on them. 
• I want to travel at least a little.
• I want to be thinner and more fit.
• I want to maintain my blogs at least somewhat.
• I want to stay connected to myself.

Last Day of Twenty-Six.

Just before my birthday each year, I like to ponder what I've accomplished and enjoyed. I do this to feel like I've earned the year and am ready for another.

While I have been twenty-six, I've

*read twenty-seven books
*read six long books to my son and love
*filled several journals (I'm not sure how many because we are rearranged bookcases)
*earned my first two short story acceptances
*taught Creative Writing with a team and on my own
*created a campus literary magazine
*given a presentation to a college's entire faculty, staff, and administration
*finished one editing contract and accepted an offer of another
*taught Composition Strategies for the first time
*taught Critical Thinking for the first time
*taught Oral Communication for the first time
*built online content for several courses
*taught or finished teaching sixteen course sections
*established (I think) a good professional reputation and good work connections
*maintained my comfort in and enjoyment of my job despite challenges and anxieties 
*signed up for my first conference
*advised dozens of students
*trying new technology (including switching from marker-on-the-board to laptop projector in class, grading on an iPad, and teaching an interactive Television course)
*attended several readings and lectures
*supported myself and two other people
*maintained this blog despite time, health, and mood challenges
*not lost my mind while watching each of my parents start a new marriage
*unpacked two houses
*decorated two rooms for Oliver
*moved to and started to truly live in a town I love
*walked to, checked out books from, and spent working time at a library frequently
*snuggled by fires in our own fireplace, gazed at a pond from our own balcony, and gone swimming in our own (well, the complex's) indoor, heated pool 
*started swimming or walking frequently
*become more patient
*dyed my hair red (well, my mom dyed it)
*added fun and color (mint! rose! pink!) to my work wardrobe
*found a pink purse and comfortable, sparkly, silver shoes about which I am crazy
*replaced casual summer clothes that were five to ten years old (actually allowing myself to buy non-work clothes!)
*paid off our credit card debt
*paid off our medical bills
*finally watched Flight of the Conchords
*eaten Lebanese food
*eaten Panera frequently
*managed to look pretty cute and feel pretty confident while pregnant
*never missed a day of work through an entire pregnancy
*finished growing a human
*gave birth to my son
*gave birth with Pitocin and without an epidural
*endured not pushing
*saved my son
*endured a manual placenta removal while conscious and without pain medication
*recovered from surgery
*recovered from HELLP syndrome
*recovered from the most physically, directly difficult and frightening experience I've had--something I never would have thought I could bear
*not died despite a life-threatening illness (!) 
*returned to work three weeks later  
*acknowledged my postpartum depression and started my recovery
*taught my baby to give kisses
*helped my son learn to laugh
*heard my son say, "Mama"
*savored hugs from my son
*celebrated my son's first Christmas
*celebrated my first Mother's Day
*taken my son for his first swim, to his first park, for his first swing on a swing set, to his first restaurant and ice cream shop...
*breastfed (almost exclusively) for over eight months
*given, probably, the best (material) gift I've ever given
*watched my love become a achingly kind and committed father
*strengthened, repaired, and improved my marriage
*celebrated my six year anniversary and my fifth wedding anniversary

Okay. My birthday can come.

                                            Image: http://electrifyingstorm.tumblr.com/post/25131185607