Confessions on Beauty, Prejudice, and Self-Love.

I feel so stressed, and I don't have a great reason. I'm behind on writing, behind on work. I'm overwrought, and my head hurts. My neck is tight. And my face still hurts; damn acne--swollen lumps on my chin, jaw, and neck. I feel ugly these days. 

Both Bruce and my mom said I looked pretty in the photos from my reading, but those seem like consolation compliments, things you'd say to someone who normally isn't attractive. That's silly projecting, though. I can't expect anyone but Josh to tell me I'm pretty. 

I'm projecting my own pettiness and prejudice, my childhood insecurities that say that people with extra weight, with pimples, or with glasses can't be attractive. When I was very little, I thought people who were "fat" couldn't get married because no one would love them! How messed up is that?! Where did it come from? My couple of years in public school? Something in preschool? 

I'm ashamed to admit those thoughts. I'm sharing them only because I can't be the only one. I guess it's only fair that I am chubby, have glasses, and have acne. Really, those thoughts were warnings to myself: I can't be attractive. It doesn't mean anyone else has the same thoughts, except maybe (like me) about themselves. It doesn't even mean I think it about other people. I've been attracted to Josh regardless of acne or extra weight when he's had them, and I love his glasses. I know he is attracted to me; he demonstrates that, though not so much right now because I'm sick. I don't need anyone else to think I'm an attractive person. 

Do I need to think it about myself? As an adult, I haven't often been self-conscious or concerned with what others think when they look at me, but I've been embarrassed lately. I stopped wearing foundation a couple of years ago, but now, I'm wearing concealer again. I know the acne is hormonal, and the weight is probably hormones plus medication. I also don't like my hair right now at its awkward length. Recently, one of my front teeth broke. I got it fixed quickly, but that was another source of embarrassment even though almost no one saw it. 

Is it all punishment for some vanity of which I've been unaware? I've usually felt comfortable with my appearance as an adult. But now, I don't feel like I even recognize myself physically. I need to grow out my hair, lose the rest of this weight, and go to the dermatologist. OTC skincare isn't cutting it. 

I don't want to devalue myself because I don't feel pretty. I don't owe the world physical beauty. My writing is beautifully dark and strange...or beautifully luminous. My worth is inherent. But I am struggling. 

I've struggled with self-love for a few years before these bodily insecurities. I believed certain things about myself, as a person, a wife, and a writer. It turned out others had different perceptions, and this really threw me. I started to wonder if I knew myself at all, and I started to think there wasn't much to like. 

I've made some efforts to shore up my self-love, but I need to do that now more than ever. A couple of books have helped me: A Year of Self-Motivation for Women and A Year of Self-Love. I'm currently reading A Year of Self-Esteem straight through. The books have brief quotations, reflections, prompts, and affirmations. As I go through them, I write down my own affirmations right there in the book. 

The great aspect of affirmations is that you don't have to believe them to use them! You train your mind to believe them and therefore live and embody them. We do this all the time: shape our beliefs, perceptions, and behaviors. Well, often, we let others do it for us. I want to take more control. I want to focus on and enhance the good.

I am beautiful. I have enchanting eyes, strong legs, and striking coloring. I have a distinct style. I carry myself with assurance. I am poised and elegant. I am open to the beauty in myself and others. I am memorable.

I don't have to be flawless to be beautiful...or to be good.

On Body Image.

"...learning to embrace our entire selves is not just a spiritual or mental endeavor--it is also an incarnational one."

Aundi Kolber

When I was a little girl, I knew two great beauties in my life: my mother and my best friend, Keely. Both were lovely, blond, buxom, tapered, and sophisticated. Because I did not look like either of them (brunette, with green eyes instead of china-doll-blue or soulful brown, pear-shaped, pale), I did not believe I was beautiful. It's strange to see photos of myself as a little girl now. I was pretty. Then, acne showed up, and my lower body developed long before my upper body. As a young teenager, I often wear jackets wrapped around my waist to hide my hips. My friends teased me for my shape. I was painfully self-conscious about my face, my curves and lack of curves, and even my posture or pose. I'm currently working on a chapbook of poetry about that time called Woman from the Waist Down. 

When I was an older teenager, I realized that I was attractive in my own right, my own way. Boys reinforced this, and sometimes, girls did too. I remember leaving work, a '50s diner where I wore a concealing poodle skirt, to go on a date one night. One of my fellow waitresses said sincerely, "Oh! You have such a cute little body!" Girls are often their own and each other's worst critics, but this stayed with me. I stopped wearing jackets around my waist. I stopped bemoaning my thighs in dressing rooms. 

One of the biggest reasons I was able to make this shift was that my mother was never shy or critical of her body. She was aware, present, confident. She did not see attractiveness as a sin. She could appreciate her physical self without being vain. She felt good about herself. At least this is what I saw, what I perceived. I internalized those messages without her ever saying that I was beautiful or wonderfully made or physically delightful. By the time I neared adulthood, I was not shy of my body. 

My weight has always chosen a point and stayed there. In my twenties, I consistently weighed about 125 pounds and wore a size 4 petite in a curvy fit. I was comfortable with this. I had bigger, stronger legs and hips than a lot of girls, but my body evened out fairly well. I left an early marriage in which my partner did not appreciate my body beyond aesthetics. That was a disaster for a while, but I ended up in a better marriage (by grace alone, probably). 

Then in my late twenties, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and panic disorder. Suddenly, my body was flooded with antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, anti-psychotics, and mood stabilizers. Side effects were terrible, but I knew my life and family depended on my embracing treatment. One side effect was that I gained about 70 pounds. 

I remember telling my dear therapist, Nancy, "I've gained so much weight. And I'm afraid that Josh--"

"Oh, honey," she said. "Men don't care about that. Don't even worry about it." 

I took her at her word. With a lot of swimming and with an antidepressant that happens to help with weight loss, I lost 20 pounds. While everyone was gaining weight at the start of the pandemic, I was losing, dropping from a size 14 to a size 10. Unfortunately, the meds that helped with weight loss were not good for my liver. I managed to keep those 20 pounds off, but I couldn't get anywhere near the 120s again. My body had made its home in the 170s. 

Sometimes I miss my thinner self. But my level of comfort with my body hasn't really changed. I still see myself as attractive. I still perceive my husband as thinking I'm attractive. I feel a little less visible out in the world, but that's okay. 

One day, I felt discouraged about my appearance and told Josh and my mother that I felt like I'd failed. 

My mom said, "You're not a failure because you need medication that affects your weight. You wouldn't call a cancer patient a failure because she lost her hair." 

These women's words stay with me. Cute little body. Men don't care about that. You're not a failure. Again, women are their own and other women's worst critics; I think straight women crave the approval of other women as much as they crave the attention of men. I'm also lucky to have a couple of men in my life who are happy to tell me I'm pretty, stylish, cute, great at applying makeup, and so on. 

My body deals with illness and the effects of treatment every day. But it has carried me for thirty-six years, grown and nourished a baby, and connected me to the person I love most. I love my body, and I don't mind saying so. 

Favorite Beauty Items.

I may have done this before, but here is a new take.

• Sexy Healthy Hair Tri-Wheat Leave-in Conditioner. This makes such a difference for my wet, tangled hair. It's expensive, so I watch Ulta for deals. We've used this is Oliver's hair too.
• Benefit Porefessional primer. It makes my face feel like a doll's. I've never actually purchased it; I chase samples.
• Urban Decay Moondust eyeshadow palette. From pale pink to dark metal, this palette offers great pigment and amazing fine glitter. I was incredibly excited when this launched. 
• Too Faced Glitter Bomb eyeshadow palette. This followed the UD version, but they are different enough, and I love every glitter trend (okay, maybe not every).
• Cover FX Glitter Drops in Lunar. This small bottle contains incredible shimmer. I mix it with my foundation, and it I really pause to look, I can see pale blue sparkles all over my face. I love it. Eventually, I want to get Aurora, the pink version.
• Fenty highlighter due Kilowatt Foil Freestyle I in 7daywknd/Poolside. These shades defy description. I use them as eyeshadow. Unique violets and lilacs captivate me. 
• Fresh Sugar lip treatment in Rose. I've gotten miniature versions of this as samples, but even though the full-size ones are crazy expensive, I think they are worth it.
• Urban Decay Born to Run Collection Vice Lipstick in Ready?. It's a bright rose shade with bold golden glitter. I have two backups (which feel insufficient). It's a limited edition lipstick.
• Marc Jacobs Beauty Twinkle Pop Stick Eyeshadow in Shoshanna, a teal sparkler. I'd love to have every shade. It's easy to apply directly and to blend with a brush.
• Marc Jacobs Beauty Highliner Gel Eye Crayon Eyeliner in (Stone)Fox, a creamy, shimmery gunmetal shade. Gel pencils have become my choice for eyeliner. 
• Stila In the Moment eyeshadow palette. Full of purples and golds, this is the best I've tried from Stila. Some combination of shades probably looks good on everyone.
• Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Cream Shadow Stick in Pink Sparkle. Great name! This is a gorgeous pale pink with subtle yet plentiful glitter.
• Clinique Almost Lipstick in Pink Honey. The color is sweet, but the best part is the sleek, slender, silver design, which reminds me of getting my first lipstick at 12 on Easter--Clinique Almost Lipstick in Almost Kissed. Mom made me feel special and beautiful with that, and I still appreciate it.
• Disney & Sephora Cinderella eyeshadow palette. This was a magical collaboration that ended too soon. I remember seeing that stunning blue and silver packaging. The blues, silver, whites, and greens are just gorgeous.
• Ponds Evening Soothe Wet Cleansing Towelettes. When I was in critical care after Oliver was born, my mama bought these to clean my face. The scent is soothing because of that memory.
• Bath and Body Works Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin body splash. This was the favorite of my darling friend Melissa, and she got me into it too. It's the perfect balance of spice and sweet, and it makes me feel confident.
• Urban Decay marshmallow body glitter. My brother gave me this when mine got ruined in a sink pipe flood (I learned: no makeup under the sink!). It smells like marshmallow. I feel intriguing when I wear it.

What Amazes Me.

• My mom's gardens. Wherever she is, she makes flowers bloom.
• Stage sets and set changes. How do people make sets so astonishing yet portable?
• CDs. I can't began to ponder how they work.
• Red carpet gowns. I wonder what it would be like to have someone dress me, do my hair, and apply my makeup for an event like that. The last time this happened was when Mom styled me for Josh and my wedding.
• People who can really rollerskate or iceskate.
• My dad's work. He can talk to robots!
• How makeup and nail polish brands keep creating new colors, finishes, and effects.
• My mom's beautiful knitting and sewing projects.
• The wildly orange trees in front of a nearby gas station. 
• On stage costume quick changes. How?
• The massive body of fairy tales, legends, and retellings. 
• Horror movies. I'm fascinated by what kind of research and tradition must go into figuring out what scares people and why.
• People who have trained their bodies in amazing ways (dancers, especially).
• Sculpture. How can one carve a smooth figure out of stone?
• Catching a glimpse of a snowflake's shape before it melts.
• People who make objects of blown glass.
• ER nurses who must be fried but still smile genuinely and listen.
• People who work with children who have special needs.
• Children who speak fluently with their parents and friends.
• Josh's research.
• Gorgeous lettering.
• The way I react to the scent of Oliver's hair. Yes, he's my baby for sure.
• The evolution of writing tools--a book on it must exist.
• Ancient Egyptian art.
• The survival and evolution of myths.

The Magic of Shadow Palettes.

Few things are as exciting and enchanting as a new eyeshadow palette. Single shadows are fun, and I like leaving Sephora or Ulta with just one pop of color. But palettes are beautiful and full of possibility. Prestige cosmetics tend to have gorgeous packaging and presentation and I don't mind paying for that. I take the palette as it comes though I may not use every shade.

My current favorite palettes are probably Urban Decay's Moondust and Too Faced Glitter Bomb. The former's case is gunmetal glitter, and every shade from pale peach to cobalt is lovely. The latter has shaky glitter on its black case, and the glitter does not disappoint. But I've had so many gorgeous palettes.

When I first fell for expensive makeup, I fell again for Hard Candy (which now only exists as a Walmart line). My chest still flutters when I think of all those small silver eyeshadow quartets. I bought two on my 16th birthday: Pixie (sparkling white and pink with a red glitter black) and Disco 2000 (glitter purple, cream, and brown with a multicolor glitter liner shade). Tiny (a few inches) glittery sponge applicators and angled liner brushes were in each set.

These brought me a joy that got me though my summer youth group trips and my first days at a public high school. Everyone might be more popular than I, more beautiful, more ambitious, more intelligent...but I was a writer and I wore fantastic makeup. Getting pretty got me out of bed. I remember at a camp, one girl from my youth group reverently asking if she could look in my makeup bag, so we sat together on my bunk, and I showed her my treasures.

I've also loved Too Faced small palettes with plenty of sparkle, especially the country-music-themed one. And I have Cinderella, Little Mermaid, and Aladdin palettes from a Sephora and Disney project. Those are dreamy! And again, the packaging is so satisfying--princess silhouettes, sparkle, velvet. And I love all the names for each shade.

Mom and I have talked about the appeal of palettes. We agreed that it's related to our girlhood (and current!) obsession with dolls that have trunks full of clothes and accessories--color, shine, and endless combinations. I love sharing the fun of palettes with my mom. I probably gave her one or two palettes a year as gifts. Buying makeup for others is so fun.

I also like the Z palettes or empty magnetic palettes that let me create my own combination of shadows. I have a Tarte palette with green and black sequins. It's huge, and I've barely filled 1/3 of it with greens, blues, and pinks.

Palettes are makeup fun every day!

Restoration: Week 25.

This past week, I got to see two movies, one at Bruce's and one at the IMAX: Jurassic World and JW Fallen Kingdom. They were intense and fun. I remember seeing the first movie in the theater with my dad. I'm glad I've been able to see movies; they recharge me. And Bruce and I can put away a lot of popcorn.

Bruce and I gave each other bath products for our birthdays, so I've been having some restorative soaks. Bruce also gave me a lilac Wallflower--the remembered my saying that I'd fallen for the scent. I put the Wallflower in the bathroom, but I can smell lilacs at the front door. It's one of Mom's favorite scents, so it makes me think of her. And how did I take so long to discover the fragrance? It makes me feel calm and mindful.

I painted my nails. I hate doing it, but I like the result. I've used some eye makeup I've neglected lately. This past week, I've had sweet moments of feeling pretty.

I had to switch therapists, so I had my first appointment with the new one on Tuesday. I hope that proves to be restorative.

I did write one poem this past week! That suggests I'm at least a little restored.

Beauty Wish List.

Since I was 16 (half my life!), I've always had a big beauty wish list. I don't know if any shopping is as fun as shopping for makeup. I love it alone and with a companion. I love it in a bright Ulta or a shadowy Sephora. I love the colors and sparks that catch my eye. I love swatching the colors on my wrist, seeing which ones really sparkle like they do in the pan and which ones last on my skin. I'm not doing much shopping these days, but these items are at the top of my wish list.

1. Bobbi Brown Limited Edition Eye Shadow Trio in Peace. These sea glass shades stun me, and they all glitter or glimmer. I have trouble finding blues that shimmer and suit me. But these are perfect. I received a sample of Bobbi Brown's Long Wear Cream Shadow Stick in Golden Pink, and I've been paying attention to Bobbi Brown ever since. Funny, I used to think she was too grown-up for me! But I'm suddenly 32, and she has a lot of the glitter I love.

2. Too Faced Glitter Bomb Eyeshadow Collection. I like every color! When does that happen? The palette has plenty of pinks, which I'm loving right now, and the sea foam shade with the blue glitter is gorgeous. I'm so glad to see that sparkles are coming back. I can't wait to play with this at Ulta or our mini Sephora in J. C. Penny's. By the way, Too Faced is my second favorite beauty brand (after Urban Decay).

3. Urban Decay Vice Lipstick in Cruel. This shimmery red will complete my Snow White look! And I love the shiny metal tube. I love UB for continuing with shimmers and metallics despite the matte trend (though UD certainly does matte too!).

4. Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment in Bloom. This is a newish pink shade I want to try. Sugar Lip is amazing--the perfect blend of lip balm and lipstick. I've gotten Mom hooked on it too. I think we both discovered it when two mini balms were the birthday gift from Sephora. The rosy metal tubes are so fancy. At $24, though, I won't be buying Sugar any time soon!

5. Marc Jacobs Beauty Twinkle Pop Stick Eyeshadow in Frannie 408 (white shimmer),
6. Shoshanna 414 (teal shimmer), and
7. On the Verge 412 (grape shimmer). I fell hard for Marc Jacobs Beauty when I tested his Highliner Gel Eye Crayon in (Luna)Tic 64 on my wrist. The color, shimmer, and texture were just perfect. I think I thought I wasn't good enough for Marc Jacobs. Psssh. And right now, I'm so into crayon or stick eyeshadow, so these are dreamy.

8. Bobbi Brown Sparkle Eye Shadow in Silver Lilac,
9. Ballet Pink, and
10. Sunlight. I have a custom Bobbi Brown eyeshadow palette with space for six shadows. The palette currently holds one! It's a pretty purple shimmer, and I'd love to give it some sparkly friends.

11. LORAC's Beauty and the Beast Cheek Palette and
12. Beauty and the Beast PRO Eyeshadow Palette. I don't need to tell you why these are so awesome. I was so happy to see them; I'm still mourning the death of the Disney-Sephora collaboration. The packaging here is lovely, and I love the variety. If I had to choose between these two, surprisingly, I would pick the cheek palette. I'd use the colors for blush and for eyeshadow. I've never had anything by LORAC.

13. Urban Decay Heavy Metal Glitter Eyeliner in Spandex (dark blue),
14. AMP (light blue), and
15. Junkshow (hot pink). I have this in ACDC (purple). It's fun to use on its own but also looks good over a matte black eyeliner. I love the Cinderella blue (AMP) especially.

Those top the list! What kinds of wish lists are you hiding?

What Makes Me Feel Beautiful.

• Jeans that fit. Even if I don't like the size I need.
• Unexpected glitter on my skin, such as finding sparkles on my hands after using a glitter gel pen.
• Dancing, even if I'm just playing around at home.
• Jewelry. Earrings and necklaces are another way to express my style, and they make me feel confident. Out in the world, I get more compliments on my jewelry than anything else.
• Displaying photos of myself when I was truly happy. I have one in my living room. It reminds me of how capable I am of happiness and how pretty that happiness can be. It's also just a great photo of Oliver and me, so I see it when I visit family too.
• Being told I'm beautiful. As I've said, I get this from two men every day and on sweet rare occasions from others. People do need to be told they look great; I need to remember that.
• Swimming. I feel fluid and bright in the water.
• Hearing that I'm graceful. A few people have said this (when I was 12, 20...), and it's one of the best compliments.
• Wearing pink. Pink seems to do what even makeup can't. I feel aglow when I wear certain shades of pink.
• Wearing rings. Someone complimented my hands when I was 14, and I've never forgotten it. I love adding sparkle to my hands--rings catch the light and adorn my hands, which are precious tools without which I couldn't turn a page.
• Writing by hand. The pose and movement feel lovely, and I know I must glimmer when I'm deep in one of the actions I love most.
• Having Good Mother Moments. A good mother is always beautiful. I feel a little of that beauty when I know I'm effectively guiding Oliver or showing him love.
• Getting eye contact from Oliver. Occasionally, he will smile, tilt his head, and gaze into my eyes for several seconds. I drop everything and feel like I must have wings.
• Wearing lipstick. I went years without caring for lipstick, but now, I'm enjoying it, especially if it sparkles. I've even started using lip liner! I like having some control over the face I show each day.
• Wearing eye makeup. I like my green eyes, and I like framing them. It's a way to play and express myself.
• Good leave-in conditioner. My hair is naturally unruly and tangled. But if it's trimmed and shiny and dark, I feel like Snow White.
• Embracing my skin. I'm quite pale, but I enjoy the contrast with my hair.
• Complimenting others. When I notice and comment on others' appearance, for some reason, I feel pretty too.

What Enchants Me.

• My (very) old copy of YM Beauty. All that talk of fancy makeup soothes me even when I remember but don't take out the magazine.
• The massive music box at the Biltmore's Christmas shop.
• Oliver's little pajama pants with tigers on them.
• The book stacks by my bed, promising great reading adventures coming soon.
• The mermaid drawing my mother made for me.
• The moment as the theatre when the lights fade and the orchestra gives the first notes of the overture.
• A well-stocked Gelly Roll display.
• Oliver's sneaking into our bed at night--we usually don't know until morning.
• A little sparkle on random objects like hair ties.
• Bic For Her pink and purple pens. They're beautiful; I don't even care about the faulty branding and advertising. 
• Rock candy reminds me of going to the candy store with my best girl friends during Winterfest in Gatlinburg. I remember being so happy then.
• Instant messaging and texting--they still don't seem real. I remember Dad showing me that I could IM with my friend Tracy.
• Sephora. The feeling of darkness surrounding well-lit displays of bottles, palettes, and compacts with wild colors and plenty of glitter.

Stories about Hair.

My hair has been every length, from all the way down my back to a pixie cut. It's been natural brown and reddish brown and dyed red and black.

My pixie cut and dark dye were my most extreme change. I was 23. Terrible things had happened. I'd said I'd never dye my hair, but the world was different. I needed to be different. I'd always wondered if I could pull off a pixie anyway.

Cutting hair in response to experiences wasn't new. I cut my hair shoulder-length when I was 18 over a break-up. But it was more than just some break-up, and I knew I had to be a new person to live past it. My lovely Melissa was there, encouraging me both about the hair and the life.

I cut my hair into a bob before Josh retruned from the army with a medical discharge. Our lives were not going to be what I'd imagined and accepted. I wanted Josh to see I'd changed, that I was changing with him.

But I actually feel most like myself with long hair, even if it's frizzy or unhealthy. I've had a few perms, and I do love curls, so that may happen again someday.

What Makes Me Feel Beautiful.

I don't have an attachment to real jewelry (thank goodness), but I love costume jewelry. I feel beautiful in a sparkling necklace that complements what I'm wearing.

Painted nails make me feel beautiful. I always forget and then notice that pop of color again.

I feel beautiful when my long hair is behaving and when my makeup makes me look (and then feel) more awake and expressive.

I feel beautiful holding hands and walking about. I guess it's the sense of someone choosing me for that...and it also keeps me from the people and cars that could easily run me over.

The contrast between recently-dyed black hair and pale skin make me feel Snow-White lovely.

Also, a couple of people tell me daily that I'm pretty. I'm so lucky in that!

Wild and Strange.

This is Lauren Groff's phrase.

I have a board on Pinterest called All That's Best of Dark and Bright (Byron). Wild, strange things can be beautiful. Consider Maleficent, both animated and and live action. She's scary and beautiful.

Sometimes, I don't think I'm wild enough...though my heart does beat like a terrified wild thing when someone comes near. Most of my wildness goes into my writing or becomes part of my reading experience. I don't know if others think of me as wild, but some measure of that seems necessary for a rich life.

Strange...maybe. People have perceived me as cold, tense. I think my relationship with music and theatre are strange in their intensity. Some of my object attachments may be strange.

I like the idea of being a little wild, a little strange. If I were more openly myself, maybe people would see me differently.

Gobbling Beauty.

I love this. I love Mary Karr who wrote this! Gobbling--what a fantastic word choice. Filling up, chugging, speeding--so quick that some flavor is lost, testing the sharpness of teeth, tearing apart or swallowing whole, untamed need, hunger consuming the body, desire & rage and finally quiet.

It makes me think of the wolf inhaling Little Red Riding Hood.

So how can we gobble beauty?

• Literally gobble beauty at a fancy or quirky restaurant or bakery.
• Go to an art museum. Go alone or with a very patient companion. Keep your eyes sharp and touch what you can. Bring a sketchpad or notebook to save fragments of the experience.
• Your home is probably full of art and objects you once found beautiful. If that's not true, get to work on it! If it is true, treat your home like an art museum for a bit. Where did you get this? What did you save for, receive as a gift, or hang on a wall despite a partner's protests? Write down the story. Whhy did you first find this beautiful? Do you find it beautiful now? How often do you notice it? How can you feast on beauty right in view of your bed or couch?
• Go to a gift shop and touch the most beautiful objects. How do texture and temperature change your perception of an object?
• Add music to your workout, morning routines, and chores.
• Watch fireworks. Listen to street musicians. Don't miss a single chance to consume beauty.

The Day after Christmas.

The day after Christmas, I woke up and nursed Oliver. Then, something wonderful happened. Josh said he was going to take Oliver downstairs so that I could sleep a little more. And I slept for two hours.

I had a late breakfast--crazy square pancakes--and then went for my first walk since Oliver was born. We put him in the stroller, and Josh; Mom; Shane; Shane's pup, Lana; and I went out in the crisp air of the neighborhood. The walk was hard. My hips, which had started to quiet their constant howling, ached, and my legs didn't seem to know themselves. My throat also constricted, no longer used to that kind of breathing (outside of the experience that makes Josh and I afraid of deep breathing). But I was thinking, This is my first walk. 

When we got back to the house, Mom and I got ready. I wore the Tinkerbell shirt I'd bought recently at the Disney Store in my new city (yes, we have a mall. And it's not the kind of mall that has a Dollar Tree). I'd bought it because it was cute and because Josh had mentioned that I should try to get more in touch with my whimsical side again. I wore my jeans, which I'm still grateful every day to be able to wear.

Mama had been waiting to take me to a magical land called Versona. My Christmas earrings, necklace, and headbands had come from there. We had barely gotten inside the door, and already, I wanted to fill a basket. The store has color sections--pink jewelry, scarves, shoes, and clutches are together and so on with purple, turquoise, green, black, silver, red.... Mom and I worked our way through the colors, trying not to miss anything, sometimes parting and sometimes spotting each other. I tried on a ruffled coat I didn't need and a cafe au lait crinkly dress I couldn't afford. I commanded my mother to buy the striking gray top that made her look like an Art Deco goddess.

My basket held a pair of deep green rhinestone bracelets; tights in moss and plum; a multi-layered bracelet in pink, purple, and green with flowers and ribbons; understated but queenly purple rhinestone earrings; and a necklace that is a tumble of metallic navy and cut clear beads. I would space these bright bits out through the coming work weeks.

Josh has always had a thing for Dana Scully. He never said anything, but I had a thought. I was planning to dye my hair anyway (post-pregnancy), probably black. I mentioned my idea to Mom, and she said, "Every woman has to go red at least once." My grandmother, my mother's mother, had auburn hair. I have pale skin and green eyes. It could work.

We went to the drugstore and stared at so many boxes, faces, and fancy color names. We picked two that were the same brand and looked like the same color, but one was a dollar more. Mom said, "Whatever is making this a dollar more, I'd go ahead and pay the dollar."

We went to coffee and the bookstore where I worked for six months after I finished my MFA and before I began teaching.

At the house, Josh was holding a sleeping Oliver. Mom and I closed off the master bathroom, which is partly carpeted and a pretty good hang out spot. We manage to play beauty shop every year or two. She's always the beautician, though. I can barely put my hair in a ponytail when it's long enough.

She opened the box and said, "Well, everything has a gold label. I think that's what your dollar paid for." When we had to go to the kitchen sink for a rinse-out, we kept the towel over my hair so that Josh wouldn't see. My hair didn't look red to me, but Mom said, "Ooh. It's going to be red-red."
"How do you mean?"
"Like Jessica Rabbit."
I could live with that.

Like me, if my mom starts something, she usually has to go all out. She dried, curled, teased, and Big Sexy Hair-sprayed my hair. She threw in some lip gloss and a concealer touch-up. I still couldn't see it, so Mom handed me a mirror and told me to stand under an overhead light. Whoa.

During the big reveal, Josh was fairly subdued, admiring and pleased, but he's almost always that way. I didn't really see that he understood I'd made my hair a present to him until he took pictures of me...and kept taking them. I told him that at least until the dye faded, I'd be his Scully.

In My Makeup Bag.

This is a spread of my favorite makeup on my foundation-spattered desk-turned-vanity. After my big, black vinyl Sephora makeup bag died a moldy death in the great sink flood of 2007, I thought I'd never find another awesome makeup bag. But I just love this sparkly silver, black, and pink VH-1 Save the Music bag. It's the perfect size for holding most of my favorites, bringing on trips, and fitting into one of the desk/vanity's cubbies. Posts like this make me wish I were a better photographer with a better camera, but oh well.

I don't think this particular version of Revlon Colorstay foundation exists anymore, but it rocks. It doesn't feel heavy, yet it does come off. My beloved Urban Decay Marshmallow body glitter also perished in the Great Sink Flood, but my brother replaced it a couple of Christmases ago. The white glitter is subtle, and the light marshmallow scent is better than perfume.

This is Too Faced Snow Bunny bronzer from the Enchanted Glamourland fairy-rific palette. My mom gave me the palette as part of a vanity-themed Christmas bundle last year, along with the antique mirror you can see a bit of in the previous photo. The bronzer is a perfect blush for me: shimmery but light enough to not look absurd on my pale skin. It made me repent of my refusal to use blush.

I don't have a standby mascara right now. I've mostly been using free samples, like this Sephora mini mascara. I love Too Faced Metallic Eyeliner in Metallic Mermaid. It's dark teal green, and makes me feel exactly like the name--some kind of mythical rock star. I've nearly used up my Hard Candy Glitter Eye Pencil in Hyper, which is brown with gold glitter. I'll have to find another brown/gold glitter liner since Hard Candy doesn't really exist anymore. Mom got me these tweezers just 'cuz. I've seen them at various little gifty stores like Francesca's.

With most eyeshadow, I'm a quick creaser. Too Faced Eyeshadow Insurance helps quite a bit. It doesn't work for the entire day, but it gets me through work. Urban Decay eyeshadow in Uzi is my signature. It looks silver but just goes on as silver glitter with no real color. When I was a junior in high school, I noticed the best glitter eyeshadow I'd ever seen on a girl I ate lunch with. I think her name was Evelyn. Anyway, she told me the name of this shadow, and I've been using it ever since. I don't wear overt glitter to work, but I wear this any other time I put on makeup. It's kind of iconic to Josh too since he remembers noticing sparkles under my eyes when he first saw me. I don't understand why girls whine about "fall-out" with glitter shadows--that's half the fun. Also from Urban Decay are these Ink for Eyes cream eyeliners in Empire (purple) and Demolition (brown). This liner and its angled brush are very forgiving, and using them feels fancy like like calligraphy. My old friend Meegen, who works as a makeup artist, got Empire for me, and Mom supplied Demolition with the vanity-themed Christmas (she's hooked on the eyeliner too).

I have a few of these Maybelline Eyestudio sets, and they are the best drugstore shadows I've found as far as rich color and real sparkle. On the right is Sephora's Magic Eye Shadow Palette in Cool. These colors make me feel like a snow queen. Mom and I theorize that girls gravitate toward makeup sets and palettes because of their enduring love of and longing for doll trunk sets--all the little, colorful treasures hidden in drawers.

Here's another look at the Ink for Eyes along with my two favorite lipsticks--the only ones I use, really. Jane Haywire (soft brown), which probably doesn't exist anymore, is my warm weather color, and Ulta Romantic Red is my cool weather shade. Lipstick makes me feel confident, especially at work.

Hard Candy was my first love in fancy makeup. Luckily, I was able to snag several of the Eyeshadow Quartets for half price before the company ceased to exist in that form (a version of Hard Candy is now at Wal-mart). These are my three favorite quartets: Sushi, Star, and Frigid. The tiny angled brushes are perfect for lining. These are great metallic, iridescent, and glittery shades. I want to squeal just thinking about them.

Makeup bags are fascinating. One could probably develop a whole personality study best on them, like handwriting interpretation. Do you care about fancy makeup? What brands and colors do you like best?

I Wouldn't Mind Looking Like Her.

Looking over what we find beautiful and what shaped that is interesting. It alters the way we see ourselves, the clothes we pick, and the hair styles we choose. I was usually drawn to soulful, mysterious brunettes, knowing that I'd never be a bombshell or lithe blond. A couple of redheads are here--I must identify with the pale skin.

Carey Mulligan

Where did I first see her? I'd already seen Pride and Prejudice and Bleak House, but I saw her in Vogue, I think, and made a mental note to see An Education. The Greatest and Never Let Me Go have become two of my favorites, and I watched them just because of her. I also credit her with prompting me to read Never Let Me Go, which was incredible. I lent it to Mom, and when she's done with it, it's going in my favorite books cabinet. Plus, Mulligan was in Doctor Who--a freaking scary episode! And she can really rock the pixie.

(Image: The Greatest http://carey-mulligan.net/photos/displayimage.php?album=29&pid=2197#top_display_media)

 (Image: Wall Street http://emslj.tumblr.com/). Can I get this whole look please?

 (Image: An Education http://regnad.tumblr.com/)

Liv Tyler

I'm not sure when this started though Stealing Beauty is a favorite (I remember seeing the poster at a tiny video store in the town where I grew up, and I thought it must be a very dirty movie). Of course, she's stunning as an elf.

 (Image: http://vi.sualize.us/view/0235b2913a1d3a3eaca665bd96ff2d16/)

 (Image: Lord of the Rings http://indulge-in-reveries.tumblr.com/)

 (Image: The Lord of the Rings http://tolkien-movies.com/images/viewImage.php?id=647)

Bryce Dallas Howard

Lady in the Water was such a fascinating fairy tale, and that led me to The Village and so on.

 (Image: http://www.fashioninmyeyes.com/)

 (Image: http://www.listal.com/viewimage/350211)

 (Image: http://www.listal.com/viewimage/350153)

Eva Green

I actually have an aunt who looks just like her minus the harsh edge Green usually has. Josh and I went to see Casino Royale in theaters (we've seen few movies in theaters). I guess that was pretty early on for us.

(Image: http://photos.lucywho.com/eva-green-photos-t833.html)

 (Image: http://evagreenlove.tumblr.com/)

 (Image: http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1902034432/nm1200692)

Natalie Portman

My middle school/high school boyfriend was in love with her, so I figured she must be the ideal beauty. She is lovely.

 (Image: Garden State http://www.listal.com/viewimage/444813)

 (Image: http://weheartit.com/entry/12197512)

(Image: http://www.koolmuzone.com/forum/indian-international-celebrities-39/natalie-portman/)

Rachel Hurd Wood

I can't wait to watch Peter Pan with Oliver. I recognized Wood when Josh and I watched Dorian Gray, and then we finally watched Perfume. Josh has developed a nice little crush. She is haunting in her prettiness, so some of her roles aren't surprising.

 (Image: http://www.listal.com/viewimage/765975)

 (Image: from Perfume http://www.flickr.com/photos/7711591@N04/862640502/)

 (Image: http://pasionporvivir.tumblr.com/page/109)

Rachel Weisz

I must have been about thirteen when The Mummy came out, and I thought Evie was just gorgeous. My favorite movie of hers is probably The Fountain.

 (Image: http://taleeroe.tumblr.com/page/8)

 (Image: http://www.instyle.com/instyle/package/transformations/photos/0,,20290122_1046230_851173,00.html)

 Who helped shape your idea of beauty?