Using Energy for Joy.

I've known some people who are or once were full of casual hate. They complained; fed off each other's dissatisfaction; and searched for reasons to disdain people, music, movies, and ideas. This made me feel ill.

Hate, even if it's for a CD, requires a lot of energy. It can also curtail or destroy someone else's joy. Not everyone is this way, but when I hear someone trashing, say, a movie I love, it makes me sad and uncertain. I try hard to avoid negative comments when I'm with others. If they take joy in something I don't care for, why should I steal that joy. Indulging hate, even for a movie, poisons a person.

So instead of feeding hate, I try to feed love and appreciation. Even if I wasn't crazy about a movie, I can take joy in, perhaps, the costumes. I can focus on the good qualities in a person. I can think of a good use for a gift. I can encouraging others' joy in what they love. I can find color, shine, or comfort in an object that doesn't automatically appeal to me.

I want to be ever on the lookout for people, places, and objects to love and enjoy.

What People Need to Hear.

• I respect you
• I love you
• I understand you
• I like you
• I appreciate you
• It's okay

We need to hear "It's okay" often. I walk around tense with worry about tasks, situations, or mistakes. I need someone to reassure me. The situation doesn't have to be great or perfect, but it has to be okay.

Many people maybe not love us but may still be able to say truthfully, "I respect you" or "I appreciate you." This is important at work, where a favor or kind gesture may be more effective or appropriate than words.

"I like you" is important even from people who say, "I love you." "I like you" makes the listener feel interesting or fun.

"I understand you" is important when someone feels alone in his or her emotional or mental experience. But it's not "I understand your experience" or "Something similar happened to me." It means, "I get that thought or feeling you expressed" or "I get the way you think."

How to Get Encouragement for the Writing Life.

Getting major encouragement for writing can be difficult. Many people don't know the work one has to put into a piece. Most people don't know the hard work, rejection, and discouragement in trying to publish. But here are some ideas.

• First, make sure those closest to you (spouse, older children) understand that you need time alone to write. They don't have to understand it, but they do need to respect it. If you take yourself seriously, others are more likely to take you seriously too.
• Use social media. Give brief updates on projects, progress, rejections, and acceptances. People will at least acknowledge this, and that can be unexpectedly valuable.
• Stay connected to other writers. They can encourage you, and they know what you are going through. They will also know exactly how rare and valuable an acceptance it.
• Educate those closest to you about the pile of rejections, the revisions, the anticipation, the daily work. If you need a particular kind of encouragement or help, ask for it.
• Join a class (try continuing education at a community college) or workshop group. These people will understand, at least eventually.
• Get books. Sometimes, only a book knows what to say. Try SARK's Juicy Pens, Thirsy Paper or Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones.