Our Study.

I'll describe the study. I'm sitting on the loveseat, which is pink velvet with throw pillows. One pill is pink and says, She Leaves a Little Sparkle Wherever She Goes. That's a theme throughout the house. One is green and says, You Are Magical. Another is pink and says Merry Everything. The last is white with a painting from the Etsy shop A Thing Created: a girl with pink hair, wearing black and white, holding a book, and standing at one end of a library wall of bookcases, inset lights, and cushioned chairs. On either side of the loveseat is a small white end table with two shelves. One holds magazines (I'm so behind!); the other holds boxes of pens and a white basket full of more pens. The double window is behind the loveseat and looks out on the porch. It catches the morning sunlight. Next to each end table is a tall white bookcase. Both hold unread books. One holds a variety of books with decorative boxes on top (receipts, doll clothes, art supplies). One holds short story collections and various pen displays and has two Robin Woods dolls at the top: a dark-haired princess with a silky blue gown and a navy velvet cape with silver lining and trim--Mom gave me the doll and made the clothes for Christmas one year when I was younger than ten--the other doll is a Cinderella with a full trunk and wardrobe. She's wearing the pink gown she made herself. In front of the loveseat is a turquoise velvet ottoman with a turquoise and gold tray. 

The wall to my left is largely an opening from the foyer. The the left of it is a small canvas, light blue with So Many Books--So  Little Time in lettering by Risa Rodil. Beneath that is a hook for Josh's Camelbak. Our yoga mats are rolled up in the corner. The boys' backpacks usually end up there too. Above the entry from the foyer is a dark wooden sign that says Librairie: Rare Books & Fine Prints, 227 Rue Cler, est. in 1801. We found it at Target long ago. To the right of the entrance is a teal metal bar cart that I use for books, especially library books. Above that is a cluster of Josh's hats on hooks. In the center is a purple poster I made on Shutterfly many years ago. It says Read: Books Rock, and it has photos of Josh, tiny Oliver, and I interacting with books. Our weights are in the corner (yes, the study doubles as a gym). 

The wall facing the loveseat has a mint and peach canvas that says Be in Love with Your Life, another Target find. Next is a small accordion doorway to the kitchen. Josh has a chin-up bar there, and above it is a Charlotte Hornets locker room sign. Next is the huge desk Josh's grandfather made for him long ago. It's dark wood with gold drawer pulls for eight little drawers. On the desk is a two-foot faux white birch tree with white lights. Centered above the desk is a lavender Joy Laforme canvas. It shows a night sky and purple, pink, blue, and gray skyscrapers of New York City with a street full of taxis, red brake lights bright. You'd swear life is going on beyond some of the glowing windows. Clustered around the canvas are various sports-team pennants; a purple magnetic marker board; a small canvas in white, pink, and gold that says, She Leaves a Little Sparkle Wherever She Goes; a quotables card ("Life is a beautiful, magnificent thing." --Charlie Chaplin); a very old watercolor self-portrait of mine; three collages I made between the ages of eighteen and twenty (rainbow, pink/green, and purple); and a personalized print from A Thing Created with six of my favorite books: Jane Eyre, The Phantom of the Opera, Writing Down the Bones, Dangerous Angels, Sense and Sensibility, and Never Let Me Go. Next to the desk is Josh's dark wood, open bookcase, which currently holds nonfiction books I've not read yet in rainbow order. Above it is a canvas with pink French books on display as if in a sidewalk stall. 

The wall to my right is probably my favorite. In the center is the white secretary desk my mom and stepdad gave me for a birthday present several years ago. I decorated it with pastel crystal drawer pulls. Atop the desk is a pink vase of faux pink and purple hydrangeas and a lovely Madame Alexander Scarlett O'Hara doll in an elaborate green Christmas dinner gown. Above the desk is an ivory canvas with a gold chandelier dripping crystal. I'd like to have a chandelier painting (since, in most cases, I can't have a real chandelier) in every room. To the left of the desk is a skinny, pink and white five-shelf bookcase. On it are nonfiction books I haven't read in rainbow order. Above the bookcases is a pink Joy Laforme canvas of a pink New York City residential building with flowering trees and a dense, bright garden. Taxis line the street, but the overall effect is pink. Next to the canvas is a little note from long-ago Josh: You are the most beautiful girl. It's on notepaper with a Mary Engelbreit image of a boy with dark, curly hair riding a crowned seahorse. I looked at that image while I was in labor, counting details in my head during contractions. Off to this side is a wheeled desk chair--white wood and bright green upholstery. To the right of the desk is another skinny pink and white bookcase, holding unread fiction and poetry in no particular order. Above this is a painting we call "The Pink Lady." It is an antique Josh bought at Sleep Poet's antique store with a gift card from my mom. In a gilt frame on ivory and pink matting is a woman in a pink dress and fur stole. Her auburn hair is in a bun, and she's holding a bouquet of pink flowers. 

That is our study, the room in which we spend most of our waking hours at home together. It's busy, but it's bright and beautiful--just what I like: a fanciful display of both of us. 

The First Two Weeks of January.

January is when winter really starts to feel like winter. Josh has called it "the doldrums of winter" because Christmas has passed, and the cold is really settling in. It's true we've had some dark days and some heavy rain, but we've also had crisp, sunny days. I don't dislike the cold as much as I used to. I enjoy the fresh breeze on my face as I step out of Barnes. I like needing to wear a sweater. 

I still end up using the AC in the car most days. Yes, I'm driving a lot more, and that will continue as classes begin. I will drive Josh to work, pick up Oliver from school, and pick up Josh almost every day, as I've done for the last couple of weeks. What makes it bearable? Audio books. Since I'm out so much anyway, I have decided not to have set, on-campus office hours this semester. I'm not required to have them, so I've just listed by appointment on my syllabi. 

I've read three books in the last two weeks, so I'm a little behind on my reading goal of 100. My real goal is 117, as I'd like to surpass my best reading year (2022). I came close to doing so last year, ending at 112. I just couldn't quite swallow those last five books. But I did finish a journal the night of New Year's Eve, starting a fresh one on the 1st. On the 1st, I finished Megan Hess's book Audrey, an illustrated biography of Audrey Hepburn, focusing on her style (Megan Hess is a fashion artist, which sounds really cool. She's one of my favorite artists...I gather more and more!). It was a charming Tiffany-blue book that I'm sure I'll revisit. I have two other Megan Hess books to read (Christian Dior and Coco Chanel); I read several last year. While my style rarely reflects trends, I am quite interested in fashion design and evolution: the art of it, the influence of it. I may reread Paris through a Fashion Eye (also Hess) this year. Oh! I also need to read Iconic, which is on Italian fashion. I read about twenty books on art, fashion, and interior design last year. I have many reading themes and goals for this year, but that's for another post. 

I finished listening to Gingerbread by Helen Oyeyemi. I read her book of short stories, What Is Not Yours Is Not Yours, last year. Her writing is bewildering and bewitching...I think I love it. I plan to read all of her books. A few are available on Libby (that's where I got Gingerbread), and I was able to find a couple more as used hard copies or cheap Kindle books. I believe I bought Boy Snow Bird years ago, but I haven't seen it lately. Her work is dipped in and dusted with fairy tales, but the core of her stories are purely Oyeyemi. 

And I finished rereading Happiness for Two by Alexandra Stoddard just last night. This one I read with Josh. He finished reading the Kindle book before I finished flagging the hardcover that I've had since 2007 when it came out. I was working at Borders at the time, so I got to see all the new books coming in. Stoddard is an interior designer, who at some point became something of a philosopher. Her books were extremely influential for me in my teens and twenties. Last year, Josh read Living a Beautiful Life, the first and most impactful book of hers I've read. While Josh notes Stoddard's privileged perspective in his reviews, he does seem to see some value in her ideas. It's another book we've read together. Next up? The Hidden Writer by Alexandra Johnson, another reread for me but probably one I haven't read in a good twenty years. It goes along with my primary reading theme for this year: journals and diaries. 

On January 3, Bruce and Corey took me to see The Color Purple. Bruce and I saw the musical some years ago, but I didn't remember much about it. It seemed like a likely bummer, though. However, I was surprised and delighted to watch one of the best movies I've ever seen. I quickly added songs to my January playlist. Josh and I make playlists each month to share with each other.

I wanted to mark the occasion of Twelfth Night, about which I knew little to nothing. Josh and I read about it together and made note of it on January 5. We did end up putting away one of our Christmas trees that night as that is part of the tradition. We did not exchange gifts, but we drove Oliver to Rockingham to meet my mom and go home with her for the weekend. I'd made a Twelfth Night playlist, primarily with winter songs that aren't exclusively Christmas related. I included a lot of Tchaikovsky. We listened to that on the way. On the way back, we listened to The Wintering Sessions, Katherine May's podcast. We listened to one episode about a carer (the British version of caregiver...I actually like carer better) who guarded her mentally-ill mother and now cares for her autistic son. This seemed quite relevant, so I looked up her book, Tender. We also listened to about half of the second episode, which was a discussion with a midwife. I want us to listen to all of the Wintering Sessions and to the newer iteration of the podcast How We Live Now. This reminds me of one of my favorite books, How I Live Now, which I discovered in a adolescent literature class at ASU (that class changed my reading life, by the way). 

The next day, the 6th, we had an excursion. We normally spend our weekends alone almost exclusively at home in bed, snuggling, napping, and soaking up each other's presence. But that Saturday, we had tickets to see Girl from the North Country. Neither of us knew anything about the musical except that the songs are by Bob Dylan  (and we didn't know much about him, either). Since DPAC is about an hour and a half from home, I wanted to make a whole day of it. I asked Josh to find independent bookstores in Durham and plan our day, as he's good at that sort of task. 

The first bookstore we sought no longer exists; come on, Google. We went to The Regulator Bookshop, which sold new books. We found a couple of major bargains. I want to start collecting T-shirts for indie bookstores, and all the bookstores we visited had T-shirts, but I'll have to wait for a time when we have more money. Inexpensive books seemed more important anyway. The Regulator had a great children's section where I found books I want to read eventually, including one about the various natural occasions of the year (solstices, equinoxes, etc.) and one full of tales specifically for winter.

We didn't want to spend money on lunch, so I had packed a protein bar and Bel Vita cookies for Josh. I ate an orange, and the car filled with the scent. Next, we went to Letters Bookshop. By this time, the rain was really coming down. I was wearing a gray sweater dress with sequins and beading on the sleeves, fleece-lined tights, gray fuggs, and my star coatigan. Luckily, I had grabbed the Ariel umbrella. Josh paralleled parked beautifully one street over, and we huddled together as we splashed our way to the shop. Letters sold both new and used books, some of the new books at used prices. We took advantage. The shop must be full of light on a sunny day. A three-part staircase led to a loft with poetry, journals, art books, and YA lit. We took our time. 

By then, it was time to go to the theatre. We arrived, parked in the parking deck, and waited a while before walking in the rain again. We sat at a high-top table inside and ate soft pretzels and mini chocolate-covered pretzels. The show itself was rather a downer, but I was glad we went together. Normally, I share my season tickets with Bruce, but he was in Hawaii for the week. I was grateful that my mom and Shane had been able to keep Oliver so we could go to the show. Afterward, we went to a bitsy bookshop called Golden Fig Books. It primarily sold used books, and we found a few. It was a lovely time despite the weather. On Sunday, we relaxed, Josh opting to skip his in-person meeting and go to an online meeting that night instead. We were together until 3, when he left to pick up Oliver and I got ready for tutoring.

Yesterday, I went back to Barnes for my second artist's date of the year. I read magazines, lit up over the one little Valentine's Day display, and brought home an iced peppermint mocha and a slice of cheesecake. I've been to bookstores five times this year!

What else have we done these two weeks? We rearranged a lot of art in the house. The living room is still a work in progress, but the study, where we spend most of our waking hours, is wonderful. I wrote a detailed description of it in my journal; I may post that some time. We both got our classes ready for the start on January 16. While I haven't attained or surpassed those 32 rhinestones from January 1, I did earn 28 yesterday! I've been reading Down Spooky, a book of poems, and Linotte, Anais Nin's first diary. I've also stickered a couple of journals including my Christmas journal for next year and the journal I plan to write in after I finish my current Papier star journal: a Peter Pauper Press Gilded Tree journal with a golden tree before a massive full moon. I'm lighting candles every day, currently Holiday, 'Tis the Season, and the maple butter candle my brother gave us for Christmas. I turn on more lights now. The little birch trees glow.

Stillness & Attention: Week 32.

Day 1: Saturday. I met a major fitness goal! Josh gave me two prizes: Rainbow OPTX indigo mood-enhancing sunglasses (I didn't have any sunglasses) and three Art Nouveau Disney Princess art prints by Hannah Alexander! 

My black dress pants arrived today, and they fit! So I now have two pairs of jeans and one pair of dress pants in my current size, all petite. I ordered a try-before-you-buy pair of denim shorts (also Democracy). We'll see what I think of those. I also ordered a set of try-before-you-buy colorful yoga shorts in a smaller size as my two current pairs of park-worthy shorts are a little too large. I don't really need five pairs of athletic shorts, though. 

I checked out eight books yesterday. I returned three, only one of which I'd read. Oh well. European Travels and Arias need to go back; nothing else is due soon. I checked out two books of poetry. I'm excited about What Moves the Dead, which is under 200 pages. Oliver and I did a cut-and-glue worksheet yesterday. We're making our way through the summer packet. I did yoga and listened to The Testaments last night. Then, I read a story for the magazine. I'm very behind on reading. I have three or four stories waiting. I have three loads of laundry to put away and another two to run. Josh changed our sheets and Oliver's sheets while I was at the library yesterday--so sweet. 

The jewelry box I ordered arrived, and though it's not as big as I anticipated, it will help me organize. It's pink faux velvet, and I plan to put my favorite jewelry in it. None of my jewelry is "real," but it is lots of fun. The skinny pink cart I ordered arrived too; I built that myself last night. It fits perfectly in the awkward space between our bathroom vanity and the wall, with enough room for our scale. I put daily items like toothpaste, leave-in conditioner, and body spray on the first shelf; philosophy 3-in-1s on the second shelf; shaving cream on the third shelf; and deodorant for all of us on the bottom shelf.

I did get a big prepper bottle of vegetable oil today. I got ingredients for pasta salad and for rice and beans, and I already have everything for fried rice. And I got multicolored daisies. I put the good roses in the purple and gold glass by the sink. Oliver got Popsicles today--strawberry, all fruit, no sugar added, lots of vitamin C. They're one of the healthiest things he eats. We bought some Pediasure...we'll see if we can get him to drink any of it. 

It's getting hot. I put bronze glitter drops in my sunscreen. They glitter rainbow. The sky looks bluer through my sunglasses. We're at the splash pad, and Josh is picking up Baldino's for lunch. A bunch of balloons have made it into the gates of the splash pad. Kids are getting angry about them. It's getting hotter, stickier. Two young Mormon missionaries spoke to us. They asked to pray for us. I told him our son has special needs and his name is Oliver, so they prayed for him. We declined the fifteen minutes of evangelism though. I tried to be kind and make them feel they'd accomplished something. 

The kids' sub I ordered was tiny but good. I ate all the lettuce, tomato, and cucumber with the turkey and provolone. It's 1:35, and we've been here for three hours. We're going to have to use a bribe to get home. 

Ah, we're home. The ice cream bribe worked. Oliver must have known he was hot and tired. My Berry Pop and Cherry Slush energy drinks arrived. I want to get a lot of organizing done tomorrow, so I'm going to drink a grape Bang that I got at the grocery store. 

Day 2: Sunday. 8:30. I woke up at 7 to Oliver asleep next to me. He's still asleep now. He woke up at 4 today and yesterday, but today, he decided to go back to sleep. I hope he sleeps a while longer. Josh is out running 10 miles. We got to spend a few minutes together when I got up. 

The last two nights, I've read a story for the magazine, but I still have three to go. I didn't do yoga last night. Josh and I exchanged back tickles. One of my few memories of my Grammy, who died when I was four, is of her tickling my back, arms, and face. My Great Aunt Linda, who died years ago, used to tickle my back in her king-sized bed, read me fairy tales, and sing me songs. She lived far away in New Mexico. When she was dying, I didn't know what to do, so I sent her a love letter. She called me "Little Becky" because I was named after her daughter Becky.

I read an article from Enchanted Living and then read two-thirds of Real Simple. I skipped a couple of articles like one on yard work. I found a couple of books to add to my list. I'll never come anywhere near getting through that list, but I love planning my reading even though my plans are overly ambitious. 

In a few weeks, Josh and I will go to Asheville. I'll read to the boys in the car on the way to Charlotte, and then, I'll read to Josh in the car. Maybe we'll finish a book. I can't wait to lie in bed with Josh, doing nothing for a few hours. If he naps, I'll read or write or watch a movie or just think. I'll be content. I'll take a bath in the middle of the day. We'll walk around downtown and find little shops and restaurants. When was our last trip together? I guess it was New York at Christmas. I didn't think we'd travel this year. But we should try to take a little trip each year, even if it's just to Southern Pines. 

Josh's schedule is now in place, assuming it doesn't change (we never know). He has twenty-four contact hours, which means a four-hour overage. That means extra pay, which is good. Most of his classes are online this semester. So we're going to have time together every morning. On Tuesdays, we'll have the whole school day together, he'll be able to take Oliver to OT, and then Josh will teach a night class. Josh will spend more time working in other parts of the college while he's on campus, so he'll do more work at home. I'm glad I have a place to sit now while he works at his desk. I'm just grateful that he will be around so much. I can't wait to have regular alone time with him again, a few hours here and there. Oliver will get to see him more too. I think Oliver will be glad to be back in the routine of school when it's time--apart from not having the option to sleep in and do his summertime morning routine. 

9:52. Oliver is still asleep, and Josh is back and showered. I'm drinking a little bottle of sugar-free lemonade. The day is bright, and I'm smiling. I'm so thankful for this time in the study. It's my favorite place in the house. 

Oliver is up now, and Josh is giving him a bath--bless him. I sent out an E-mail to the grandparents about the birthday party idea. Dad, who lives in Atlanta, and Josh's parents have replied that they'll come! I spent some time making a wish list for Oliver's birthday because buying him presents is very difficult. It's mostly clothes one size up and books we can read aloud to him, lots of Newberry winners. 

4:52. I have laundry going, and I just made fried rice. As I was cooking, I realized that I haven't eaten today! I drank a glass of apple juice while I cooked, and I'm having another now. Oliver has seemed fairly content to follow me around today. I've done a lot. I organized my jewelry, posting some that someone will pick up tomorrow morning. I completely reorganized the wardrobe, pulling out a few more magazines; arranging the books I'm going to quote; and sorting journals by priority, brand, binding (spiral or not), and paper quality (fountain pen sturdy or not). I ended up with extra room. I found several journals and notebooks I'm not going to use, and Victoria is going to pick them up tonight along with some more sticky notes. I also found some unopened frames someone is supposed to come get. I went through all my hair accessories and found a bunch of headbands and barrettes I hadn't used; someone is picking those up along with an old Franklin Covey planner. Someone is also coming to pick up all those kids magnets I took off the fridge. I'm only stuck with a (new with tags) swimsuit and a pair of (new with tags) rain boots. 

Day 3: Monday. Oliver got up shortly after Josh left. We went through the morning routine. While he was in the bath, I went through our posters. I threw away one and posted several. I did find the poster I was looking for plus two more I'll put up on doors: a Becky Kelly one and a mermaid Bath one. Yesterday, I moved the Mary Engelbreit book poster to the guest bathroom, moved the winter fairy (my Amy Brown fairy) to the study, and asked Josh to hang the Richard Marx lyrics upstairs. I figure they're relatively safe there because Oliver rarely melts down upstairs. 

We just did another worksheet, writing sentences. Oliver ought to be doing preschool work. At least the next worksheet is coloring certain objects certain colors, which is closer to his level. I enjoy using the glitter daubers with him. 

So this month, Biden will make a decision regarding student loans. Will he forgive any of them? Delay payments further? We'll see. I expect we'll have to start paying next month, and I have a number in mind. Everything depends on what happens with our rent. 

I'm sending back everything from my Stitch Fix. I don't need anything they sent. I'm thinking about what to wear to my next board meeting. I ordered some on-sale Betabrand hot-pink dress yoga pants. They can be my extra pair of pants in my current size. A small pink velvet ottoman arrived; I filled it with all my tank tops and leggings. Then, I took the too-small trunk that had held them and filled it with my rubber stamps (which had been in three different boxes). I gave away some of my stamps. I counted my empty pens for the year: 195. 

I just did a major closet purge. I took out fourteen pairs of pants and about two dozen shirts. I'm still keeping a sort of capsule wardrobe of a few sizes. I've started reading The Capsule Wardrobe by Wendy Mak. But a couple of people are coming for the rest of the clothes. I found some more of my current size pants in the closet in Oliver's room: two pairs of dress pants and one pair of capris, so I'm all set for this size! I'm sending back the other pair of dress pants. I also went through all my shoes but only gave away one pair. My shoes are awesome. 

I ran two or three loads of laundry and put away three baskets of laundry. I did the dishes, cleaned the stove, swept the kitchen, and ran the dishwasher. My Discman belt pack and portable DVD player and case arrived. I haven't tried any of them yet. I did do yoga and listen to The Testaments. I read one story for the magazine. 

Day 4: Tuesday. Mom said she could keep Oliver the weekend of November 6--when Dear Evan Hansen will be at DPAC! Ticket sales open for season ticket holders in just a few hours. I want to get them for Josh for our seventeenth anniversary since we didn't get to see the show in New York! 

I keep thinking I have nothing else to give away, and then, I find more. Last night, I gave away a purple mini flat iron I found! I'd never used it. I have the strangest things. 

Oliver peed his bed terribly. I ordered a king-sized plastic zip-up mattress cover; apparently, it tears. Hopefully, the bigger size won't. "Breathable" mattress protectors don't cut it. 

I put Josh's posters away and recycled mine. The large downstairs closet is even clearer. Excellent. I started a load of laundry (Oliver peed our bed as well) and unloaded the dishwasher. I haven't done a lot, but I feel as if I have. 

I got tickets! Fourth row center! They'll be great seats, and the show will be so different from when I saw it front row balcony with Bruce. It's just three months away! We may never get another chance to see the show as it's closing on Broadway and in London and the tour may end. I'm excited. I hope Josh will like the show.

I washed and posted four blankets I was done with, and someone picked them up. I packed up the books that are going to 2nd and Charles and put them in two boxes out of the way in the guest room. I cleared space atop the bookshelf by my chair and on my ottoman. Now, I can actually put my feet up. My tray fell apart, but I had that extra teal one I'd accidentally ended up with.

I took Josh's posters up to the attic and brought down old art, which someone picked up. I cut and laminated many art pieces and put them up around the house, including my Hannah Alexander prints above my chair. 

I'm not crazy about the way the prints look laminated, but they're safer from Oliver. I just had to cut a little off the bottom. 

I ran two or three loads of laundry and put away three baskets of laundry while listening to The Testaments. I read a middle-length story for the magazine. I didn't do any other reading. I found four more nice journals I'm not likely to use, and someone picked them up. I'm so glad to have a way to give away nice items. 

Day 5: Wednesday. Ten days from now is my friend Melissa's birthday, and Bruce and I will see Into the Woods. 

Josh is working out. The sunlight is coming into the study. I hope Oliver sleeps on for a while. Last night, I did yoga and listened to The Testaments. I'm craving nonfiction, so I've decided to do what I did last year: combine summer and fall, short stories and nonfiction. That gives me a lot more time to enjoy both. I make my own rules! That way, Unless It Moves the Human Heart and The Writer's Library will also count toward the seasons. 

I'm so exhausted. I feel like I need to be picked up and carried, and I'm not even sure where--probably just to bed. I don't feel like I can manage anything--not yoga, not reading, not the magazine, not even brushing my teeth again. 

Day 6: Thursday. It turned out that yesterday, I didn't have any Ritalin. I'd run out without realizing it until late in the day. That was part of the exhaustion. When Josh got home from work, we took Oliver to his appointment with his new psychiatrist. She was nice. She refused to prescribe Ativan as it can sometimes have the opposite effect in children. But she did prescribe hydroxyzine, which some people are taking instead of Xanax, and which can have a quick calming effect. I feel better having something. We're now over three weeks out from that terrible meltdown. 

After the appointment, which didn't take long, we took Oliver to get the customary post-appointment fries. Then, we picked up my Ritalin. The JFON fundraiser at Chili's began shortly, and I didn't feel like going home for fifteen minutes, so we went to Barnes. I accidentally left my purse in the car, further evidence that I wasn't feeling well. I explored the partially remodeled store while the boys sat in the cafe with a peanut butter cookie. Oliver walked around with us for a while, and then, we went to Chili's. 

We were surprised when Oliver insisted on going to the mall, which was close by. We haven't been to the mall in years. Oliver was not happy about going to a restaurant instead. He took off his Crocs, tried to climb out of the booth, and got loud. But eventually, he calmed down. We were asking a lot of him close to bed time. I had the Guiltless Grill sirloin with grilled avocado and asparagus, and it was so good. Oliver seemed glad to get home and didn't go to bed much later than usual. I crashed asleep with no preamble. 

I've rarely been so tired, and I'm still pretty tired. 6:23. Oliver slept through the night, waking me at 6 after Josh had left for his 6-mile run. Two or three people came to pick up things. Someone posted a desperate request for boys clothes in size 8, so I went through all of Oliver's clothes and ended up with a bag's worth that will be too small for him soon. I cleaned out the kitchen cabinets and drawers. I also shifted the shelves in the study to make more room for my short story collections. I'm glad I've decided to merge summer and fall. I'd like to make a nonfiction stack as well. 

I just ordered three prepper items: a lavender can opener (I feel nervous not having an extra), a battery-operated fan (Oliver will not sleep without a fan), and three flashlights. I am at peace. 

Today, I've been working on that introduction sheet for Oliver's teachers. I've revised it and added a section on scripts. It looks pretty dense, but I'm hoping it will make their lives easier. If they see it as obnoxious, oh well. I'm trying to be helpful and give them and Oliver the best chance of success. They won't have the benefit of an RBT who is familiar with him this year. I've decided to print and laminate copies for family members as well, including grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Most of them are very much in the dark about Oliver. I don't think any of them even read my blog. We don't really hear from most family members. We're pretty isolated. Most of the time, that's okay, but sometimes, it's lonely or even scary. 

As I was typing that (and more besides), my dad actually called me. I had texted him that we were seeing Oliver's new psychiatrist yesterday, and he asked how that went. He also told me that he has accepted a new job and in November, he and Michelle will be moving back to North Carolina! His job is flexible, so where they live will depend more on Michelle's work in veterinary radiation. Because of the machines she works with, they'll likely end up either in Matthews or Cary, both of which are within two or three hours of us. My dad loves to drive, so I imagine we'll see a lot more of him. Lately, we've only seen each other about twice a year. Our travel is limited of course, both in transportation and in where we can stay. But we do have a guest room! 

Day 7: Friday. August 12, and I've only finished one book this month. Well shameful. 

I'm so tired. I think I've hit an exhaustion wall. I really need a break. Asheville is still two weeks away. But at least Josh will start being home more. My body is tense, my head is heavy, and I haven't done yoga in two nights. 

Last night was rough because for some reason, Oliver didn't go to bed until 9:45. We're used to being in bed ourselves by 8. I slept on the crash pad, and Josh slept on the couch while Oliver hopped and yodeled. When the boys did go to bed, I took a bath and read a story for the magazine. I woke Josh at 10:30. He came to bed and immediately went to sleep. 

Oliver slept through the night and woke up at 6 when we were still in bed. Josh went for his run, and I gave Oliver his bath. I felt so worn out. Josh came back because a storm was building. He worked out, and I finished Oliver's routine. I sat in the study, but I don't know what I did. I haven't looked at magazines in days. 

When Oliver wanted me to sit in my chair and play videos for him, I worked on adapting the introduction sheet for family. I thought, what would they need to know if they had to care for Oliver in an emergency? I made a lot of changes and additions. Getting it down to a front-and-back sheet was tough. It would also be good for a respite care worker if we ever have one again though I can't imagine having the money for that. 

Oliver played outside until the major rain came. Then, he asked to go to his room with me. I brought my book and journal, but it was too dark with the storm. I slept for an hour and a half. Then, I got up, went to the study, and read as much as I could of Arias. I also cooked tricolor pasta for pasta salad and put it in the fridge. 

When Oliver woke up, he'd peed his bed and clothes, so I gave him another bath, helped him dress again, stripped his sheets, and cleaned the new mattress cover. He ate some macaroni and cheese and watched some more videos. I didn't get back to my book. I got a work call, which was a relief. Now, I know the reception I'll get at the event tomorrow. 

Josh came home, and I went to the library for a few minutes, listening to The Graveyard Book in the car. When I got back, I finished making pasta salad, and we had that for dinner. Josh gave me a shoulder massage, which was another big relief. His touch is the most soothing thing in my life. We cuddled on the crash pad until Oliver wanted more macaroni and then a bath. I decided to try to write five pages in my journal, not wanting to miss another day. My cleaning out and organizing frenzy seems to have subsided, but I'm still very tired. I did read more today than I have in, perhaps, two weeks. My tiredness just keeps getting heavier. I feel weighed down. I post depressing things on Facebook. I do it to raise awareness and to be real. It probably makes people uncomfortable. 

I called our property management company today and asked about renewing our lease. They said they'll reach out to the owner and get back to us. Our lease ends at the end of September. I'm afraid we won't be able to renew or we won't be able to afford the new rate. I love this place. Oliver loves this place. I would hate to lose it, and I would have to move...especially in the next month and a half. I hope we hear back soon. 

7:17. Oh, thank God--Oliver is asking to go to bed. Maybe tonight, I'll catch up on sleep.

Stillness & Attention: Week 30.

Day 1: Saturday. I didn't wake up until 7:30! When I came downstairs, Josh was working out. I settled on my loveseat and read magazines. When Oliver woke up, Josh kindly took over the morning routine, so I read some more. Then, I cleaned and organized the top of my desk. Once again, it will still look cluttered to most people--I should have taken a before photo. But we got a bouquet of pink and purple flowers at the grocery store. 

We got a few more hoarding items: another 2.5 gallons of water, some more beans, canned tomatoes, brown sugar, and a canister of oatmeal. And more Gatorade--the store did have some! We also got blueberries, strawberries, grapes, and oranges as we're trying to eat more fruit. I got everything to make pasta salad soon. 

Today, the heat index was 105. We spent two hours at the splash pad. I applied and reapplied a lot of sunscreen, and I put blue glitter drops in it just because I felt like sparkling. I read a little more of Joyful to Josh though I don't think he's very interested. Josh and I each got in the water (lukewarm) to cool off. It helped for a few minutes. I had the idea to offer ice cream to Oliver, and it worked! So we went to Cold Stone Creamery. Oliver ate vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips. I had a small vanilla shake; I'd forgotten how delicious those were. 

We took showers, and I put on my favorite purple-striped pajamas. I've been writing with Van Dieman's Underwater Parrot Fish ink today. The photo doesn't show the blue shimmer well. It's similar to Diamine's Inkvent Blue Peppermint; they're two of my favorites.

I did twenty-five minutes of yoga in our room, and I felt better for it. I placed another purchase request with the library for a somewhat obscure collection of short stories. I've made four or five requests that are not yet on order, but the library has eventually ordered my requests every time in the past.

Day 2: Sunday. Today, I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Aurora Australis, a shimmering burgundy. 

Oliver woke up at 2 this morning. Josh got him to stay in our bed until 4. I got up at 6 so Josh could go on his run. I settled in on the loveseat to read magazines. Oliver looked exhausted. I asked if he wanted to sit down, and he snuggled down beside me and fell asleep. We stayed that way until Josh got back (except for a quick bathroom break as I did not want Oliver to wet my loveseat). That's my secretary desk with jewel drawer pulls, my dotted bin full of library books, my stack of books waiting to go to 2nd & Charles, and my bookcase with short story collections and my pens. The two pink boxes contain rubber stamps, and the Ziplocs hold empty pens I'm sending to Terracycle. It's a cluttered corner, but I love everything in it. The study is becoming my favorite room.

When Josh got home, he built the little pink bookcase. It is indeed quite cheap (the back piece broke, so we left it off), but it is a pretty color. It has room for more books than my cabinet did, so I don't have to be so selective! Silver lining. I'll add more favorites soon. 

I've finished two books today, Unless It Moves the Human Heart and Kaleidoscope. Human Heart was brief and quite good. Kaleidoscope was a series of connected tales. I read it aloud to the boys. I'm counting it as my second short story collection. It was rather sad, especially for a young readers book, but I liked it. I gave both books four stars. I think Bruce would like Kaleidoscope. Actually, I think he'd like both books. Maybe for Christmas, we could give each other books we think the other ought to read. I doubt we'll be done with our birthday books yet since we've only read one!

I'd like to own all of Ada Limon's books. I do own Sharks in the Rivers and The Carrying. I've been on the holds list for The Hurting Kind for more than a month. I wish I could just buy it. I have Bright Dead Things checked out, but I'd like to have it in my home library. I've requested that the library purchase Lucky Wreck and This Big Fake World--no library in the Cardinal system has them! I'm hoping the library will buy them since she is now the US Poet Laureate. I'm excited that the USPL was already a favorite of mine! Well, eventually, I'll own all of her books.

Josh will have a late day on Friday because of the end-of-program party and clean-up. I hope I'll still get to make a quick trip to the library before it closes. 

We decided to say no to going to the park or splash pad today. It's even hotter than it was yesterday. Oliver seems to accept it and doesn't want to play outside. I decided to cancel the next three OT appointments. Getting myself and Oliver ready and out the door for OT alone is just too hard when he tends to melt down. In a few weeks, Josh should be able to take him, or we can take him together. I feel enormous relief over this decision. If we end up losing our spot, I won't be terribly concerned as we've considered discontinuing OT anyway. But his therapist thinks it will work out.  Josh and I cuddled on the crash pad for a little while. Oliver doesn't seem to mind our doing that. I plan to read A Knot in the Grain and Other Stories to the boys next. It's by my dear Robin McKinley, and it's another short story collection! 

Day 3: Monday. I did almost everything I wanted to do last night. I finished Bright Dead Things (three books for the day and five books for the week! I'm actually on track!), did the dishes, did twenty-six minutes of yoga, listened to The Testaments while I did yoga, took a shower, and read a story for the magazine. 

Today, I woke up before 6. Oliver hadn't woken up at all yet (he slept through the night!), and Josh was still asleep. I thought about going to the study, but I decided to go back to sleep for about an hour. I came downstairs, and Oliver was in the bath. Josh was working out in the bathroom. Josh went up to get ready, and I finished Oliver's morning routine. After Josh left for work, I managed a bit of a nap in the study (oh yes) while Oliver snacked, and I read a few magazine articles, which made me feel good about the day. I'm nearly done with the spring issue of Bella Grace. 

Bruce and I probably won't see each other for a couple of weeks. This week, Josh was his party. Next week, Bruce's family is visiting. But we should see each other the next week. And for the week after that...I bought tickets for us to see the summer teen production of Into the Woods at Cape Fear Regional Theatre! Is that breaking NoBuy? I'm thinking not because it's a gift to Bruce, it's an experience, and it's supporting local arts. You decide. I'm allowing it. CFRT is literally down the street from me, and I've lived within fifteen minutes of it for almost eleven years...yet I've never attended a show there. I will finally remedy that. I'm quite excited. And I'm determined that next season, we will go there to see Matilda. We had tickets to Matilda at DPAC but couldn't go for some reason, so we'll make up for that. 

I started reading The Writer's Library, a book I've been excited to read for weeks. Yes, it's late, and I need to return it on Friday. Oddly enough, I've only heard of a few of the writers the book features. But already, I've added quite a few books to my TBR list and my NoBuy list. I'll be checking the library eventually. I'm interested in the writers doing the interviews and in the writers they discuss. The first writer, Jonathan Lethem, is into sci-fi, so that's quite interesting. I really need to read more Philip K. Dick. Okay, I spent 99 cents on a Kindle collection of PKD's short stories. I may have also spent $1.99 on a memoir, Making Toast, by Roger Rosenblatt, the author of Unless It Moves the Human Heart. Yes, I could have checked the library. These were little cheats. They were cheap and quick impulse buys. But! I figure I can make up for it by using Amazon points for something we need instead of something I want. I'll do that. But one of the major reasons I'm doing NoBuy2022 is to learn how to wait. I need to remember that. That's part of stillness and attention. 

Speaking of waiting, I'm trying not to place any new holds for a while. I have so many books to read. I have books on my NoBuy list, books on my GoodReads to-read list, and books in my phone's photos. They're not going to disappear. One new hold is ready: a collection of Catherynne M. Valente's poetry. That's sure to be fascinating, and I always want to be in the middle of a book of poems. I'll check out those Alan Michael Parker books I don't have on Friday. I made an exciting discovery the other night: I own a Carmen Jimenez Smith book I haven't read! She's one of my favorite poets. I started the book, The City She Was, today. 

I did nap in my chair earlier. I've been very sleepy and hungry today, and I've had a headache. Edit: I realized later that I've cut out caffeine, which explains how I've been feeling. 

I haven't read enough today. I did catch up on some blogging; I've been terribly behind. I was relieved to realize that I'm not as behind on reading for the magazine as I thought I was. Suddenly, my arms are peeling from that sunburn a week ago. 

I never changed my calendar to July. I want to see the new Kinuko Y. Craft art. I did do the dishes, wash my hair, write in my journal, and clean out a container on Josh's desk today. I'm still trying to beautify the study. I've put up a couple more pretty things: two antique postcards and a sheet of blue cardstock on which Bruce and I wrote water-related words in blue and green marker at work back when I was obsessed with water (lithium will do that to you). 

Day 4: Tuesday. No OT today! Thank goodness. I just finished the spring issue of Bella Grace. I also read an article from Oh Reader and found another book I want to read. I can't wait to subscribe to the magazine. I want to subscribe to one other magazine next year...In Her Studio? Poets & Writers? Where Women Create? I'll look at some issues when I next go to Barnes. 

Oliver woke up around 2. Around 3, he was in our bed, taking up my space. So I moved to his bed. At some point, Josh got in Oliver's bed with me. Oliver slept past 9, so I had a nice morning. He had quite an accident, but his Good Nite saved our bed. After I bathed Oliver, I did a little yoga in the bathroom. I'll do a full session later.

The year is passing rather quickly. I'm relieved that the summer is moving quickly. I'm a little nervous about the new school year...will Oliver have the same teacher? Will he adjust easily? He asked for cookies today, and I took the opportunity to do a summer worksheet with him and then give him the cookies. If I do that every weekday, we should finish the packet in time. Yes, he eats cookies every day if we have them. I'm not sure what I'll use when we're out of cookies. He is crazy about nabs right now. He was barely aware of the worksheet, and it was all hand-over-hand, but at least he wasn't resistant. I did get him to say some of the alphabet. I keep telling myself that most of the people at school will already know and like Oliver, and he'll already know the place and most of the people. No one will expect him to be perfect. He's continued to do better with getting dressed: getting his feet into the two legs of his underwear and shorts, getting his shirt on front-side-front. I still have to hold everything out for him and orient it, but I didn't think he'd get this far. 

My friend at the organization for which I'm on the board of directors called me. We talked about some ideas for an upcoming event. I really like her. I thought more about the ideas later, and I really want to connect the organization (which serves adults with disabilities) with Oliver's school. They could really serve each other. So I texted my friend and sent a couple of E-mails to the school admin. I hope that works out. Josh had an orientation shift during the fun run event in a couple of weeks, but he was able to switch shifts, so we'll all be able to go for most of it. 

I've done very little reading today, alas. But I did catch up on blogging. I need to read for the magazine before I read anything else, and I need to do yoga. I can feel the tension creeping through me when I don't do yoga. I'm already hoping for a quiet morning tomorrow. I hope to do more reading and more organizing tomorrow too. 

Day 5: Wednesday. I didn't do everything I wanted to do today. I didn't put away laundry, do much reading, or work on organizing (the surface of) Josh's desk. I did, however, make pasta salad, unload the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, run a load of laundry, read a few magazine articles, read a bit from my library books, write enough, and do yoga. Most notably, I went through all my stickers and my craft drawers in the closet, cleaned out and reorganized my jam-packed-for-years craft trunk, threw away a ton of damaged or old supplies, found art to put up, and put together a giant donation box of craft supplies that someone picked up in the evening. I also went through all my stationery and put together a stationery donation box I plan to post tomorrow. 

I put up a piece of Josephine Wall art and a piece of Susan Branch art (from calendars--I save all my calendars but went through them today and only kept the pages I want) in the study--still trying to beautify the room as much as I can. I also pinned up a self-portrait I painted when I was sixteen; I found it in that trunk! The watercolor shows no talent, but I still like it. 

Oliver slept until 10, so I had a very nice morning to myself. I found some old ballons in my trunk. I blew up a tiny one, Josh blew up a bigger one during his lunch break, and Oliver and I played with them. Oliver seemed content to hang around or lounge in the bath while I worked on my projects. He usually seems happily if I'm in the middle of something active rather than sitting still reading or scribbling.

I've had a good couple of days, productive and happy.

Day 6: Thursday. Oliver did not sleep in today. We were all up at 5. Josh went for his run while Oliver and I did the morning routine. I was freezing, so I left the door to the bathroom open and curled under two blankets on the guest bed until Oliver said, "You [I] wanna get out [of the bath]." Then, while he snacked and played with his sheet protector (I just gave him the last fresh one we have--oh dear...I ordered more, but they won't be here until late on Friday), I wrote my to-do list (ambitious), scribbled, and read magazines. I finished the summer issue of Oh Reader! I watered my flowers, which are still doing pretty well. 

I refilled my pen with Van Dieman's Underwater Sea Shell ink, which is a lovely shimmering peachy orange, but some of the turquoise Parrot Fish ink remained. The result was a beautiful sea green with lavender shimmer. Unfortunately, though, the pen clogged and stopped writing. I need to do better about cleaning my pens. I ordered a bottle of Monteverde pen flush, which I consider a necessity as three or four of my pens have stopped writing. Again, yes, I need to do better about cleaning my pens between fills. The color was quite pretty though.

Ah, yes--before I did that, I noticed that, in sunlight, Aurora Australis has a bit of green sheen! I think I caught it in this photo. Those darker bits are green. Gorgeous. This swatch shows it better. 

The same girl who got the craft supplies is picking up the stationery. She'll know my house well. 

The OT order got approved, so that bill is covered! The school supply bill did not get covered, so I spent time reordering all of that. It turned out to be about $150 as I predicted, not counting housekeeping items like bleach wipes that we'll get later. I got Oliver Twistable crayons in addition to regular ones--I thought the plastic barrels might be less of a sensory annoyance. I also looked at lamps. We're going to need a third lamp in the living room when it starts to get dark earlier. I found one that takes five bulbs and has no other glass. We can anchor it behind the teal table, where Oliver will be less likely to tip it. 

I spent more time on The Writer's Library, which I'll try to finish tomorrow. 

Day 7: Friday. I'm really feeling pretty grand. I woke up a little before 5. Josh got paid today! He got paid more than I expected, so I paid down some debt, and we have some money in savings and some money in checking! We haven't been there for a while. I wrote the check to CFNC, and Josh signed it. I put it in the mail; we've paid off his undergraduate student loans. 

I did do yoga and listen to The Testaments last night. Now, it's 11:09, and I'm not even halfway through The Writer's Library. So I won't finish and return it today. I skipped reading magazines this morning. The book is quite good, and I'm constantly looking up titles that I want to read. 

I started another load of dark laundry. I wrote a poem called "Dark Laundry" not long ago. I loaded and ran the dishwasher.

I wrote down quotations from Unless It Moves the Human Heart, so it's ready to go back to the library. I put up three of my old (teenage years) collages in the study. I'm amazed at how well they've held up! I taped a few spots. Josh has a lot of pennants and hats up on that side, so I'm answering that with my own colorful busyness. I want the study to be a room for creative thought and creative absorption. I'd like to make more collages. 

I've never thoughts about space this much before, not since I was unpacking the house. Oh, I hope we don't have to move for years and years. I've cleaned out my purses and bags. I took out several shopping bags to put in the car. I took out a purse and a few tote bags and posted them on the BuyNothing group. That same girl came back again! Just one bag remains. 

Oh dear. Oliver wet our bed, and he got the duvet. Much laundry is ahead of me.

Stillness & Attention: Week 16.

Day 1: I sent nine poems to a journal that will likely take several months to get back to me. I have 100 poems under consideration. I finished Cathy Smith Bowers's A Book of Minutes and started her Traveling in Time of Danger. It's strange that she has a Collected Poetry when she is still alive and presumably still writing. When I first saw the book, I was worried. But apparently, she's still teaching in the Queens MFA program.

I'm now in August in my Daily Bible. I'm ready for the New Testament.  

Day 2: I've been to two parks today, and now, I'm tired. I read some of AAT to both boys and some of the Running book to Josh while we sat on a hill more dirt than grass.

I sent out five poems this morning, somewhat comical ones, all from my chapbook The Queen, the City. I received two rejections in the last two days, both a little disappointing--one because my work has appeared there before and the other because it was for a themed call and I thought what I sent fit well. Oh well. Both said I should submit again later, so I'll wait a couple of months and do that. 

I decided to revise my poetry collections even though they're currently under consideration with publishers. I started with Little Droughts and Hurricanes, the much-evolved version of my masters thesis. I cut seven poems that just belong elsewhere. I hope this tightens the manuscript. I'm also thinking about merging one complete chapbook with another chapbook idea. I figure I'll revamp my books once a year as I continue to send them out. Responses typically take several months. I have an idea of where to send LD&H next. I'm going to try to publish more of the poems in the chapbooks before I submit the chapbooks for publication again. I have a lot of work to do. 

I finished Cathy Smith Bowers's Traveling in Time of Danger. I've started reading The Truth about Magic by Atticus for some lighter poetry and visual engagement. I should finish it quickly. I only have about 75 pages left in Snow White and Rose Red. I'll try to finish that tomorrow. But I really need to be focused on The Personal Librarian and The Storied Life of A. J. Fikry, both of which are late. I also need to finish The Paris Library, read a Proust graphic novel (I figured it would be a good introduction to Proust, whom I've never read), and read a story collection called Cities I've Never Lived In. Those three books are due soon. I have some holds coming in next week, so I need to get square with the library. I'm struggling a little with attention. 

Meanwhile, I'm three and a half months into my NoBuy year. What I want most right now is a set of The Phantom of the Opera prints by Annie Stegg. I also want her one of her books and some of her other prints. She's a new favorite artist. But I'll get something of hers for Christmas or next year. In the meantime, I'll keep looking at her beautiful paintings online.

Day 3: I'm writing with a Pentel Krazy Pop Electric Watermelon pen, dark green with red glitter. 

I finished editing an old story (one I like) and sent it to a speculative journal. If it gets rejected, I may ask the editor of the magazine I read for to help me figure out revision. He looks at one story a month for staff members. This story was shortlisted (meaning it got through the first round of reading though not the final round) for another magazine, so it must have some merit. It has one great scary moment that I need to extend somehow. 

Day 4: I'm writing with a Krazy Pop Cotton Candy Bliss pen, pink with blue glitter.

I sent six poems to a magazine today; it's a magazine that Duotrope doesn't list, so I'll have to rely on my handwritten records. We went to the park for a while. It was sunny and windy. I read more of Running to Josh; we only have about 35 pages left.

Day 5: I finished Fate by Ai this morning: rough but good poems. I'll read more of Ai's books, whatever I can get through the library. I've started a check-out list on the library's website, and I can easily place holds from that list. I have a lot of poetry in transit! Now, I just need to finish as many books as I can and return them. I have five books ready to go back. One of them is the Proust graphic novel, which Josh said he might read. I'm starting A Fortune for Your Disaster, poems by Hanif Abdurraqib.

I sent a piece of flash fiction to a magazine. This story almost made it into another magazine many years ago. I remember the editor's sending me the longest, most encouraging rejection I've ever received. I submitted work to him three more times, and that fourth time, he published the story! I've actually only published two stories. I'm much more experienced (and well-read) as a poet than as a short fiction writer.

Day 6: Today was a mess. Actually, it went pretty well under the circumstances. Josh has had a sore throat for a couple of days, and I my throat started hurting last night. I figured we must have strep. Josh went to urgent care in the morning and tested positive for strep. When he got back, I went to urgent care. My test was negative, but the doctor saw patches in my throat and prescribed antibiotics anyway. I'm pretty sure I have strep. 

When I got back, we took Oliver to the doctor. Oliver can't tell us if his throat hurts, but he hasn't shown any signs of being sick. His strep test was negative. So we'll just watch him. Josh and I are on amoxicillin and 24-hour Sudafed, but we still feel pretty rough. I suddenly realized that I couldn't smell anything--not a scented candle, not a Wallflower, not my shampoo. Then, my sense of taste went too. We did two kinds of at-home rapid tests, both negative. If I test negative again tomorrow, we may need to find a testing site to do a PCR. Do those still exist? Everyone is acting like the pandemic is over. I didn't do much reading or send a submission today. I did start A Fortune for Your Disaster, poems by Hanif Abdurraqib.

Day 7: We had a home inspection today, which was stressful. Just acting well was hard (we did tell the person that we were sick before she came, and I wore my N95). But our house looks great, and we are tired. I'm not even looking forward to going to bed because I don't think I'll feel better. I feel like I have a sinus infection--all that pressure in my face. 

Luckily, Oliver has been in a good and chill mood. I've done a ton of laundry, and our beds are fresh. Again, I haven't been able to read or do writing work. I sent five extra submissions last week, so I'm still ahead. I'm giving up on some library books that need to go back. I also have some books waiting at the library, including a YA fantasy and some Sharon Olds poetry. I'm worried that being sick will make me lose all my momentum. But I just have to give myself grace. A hot bubble bath sounds good. I already miss the taste of Dr. Pepper.

Stillness & Attention: Week 7.

Day 1: I haven't felt well today, and my mood has been anxious. I did take a much-needed, soothing bubble bath, using up my Winterberry Wonder gel. I also lay down and read Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears while Josh took Oliver to the park. While there, Oliver greeted a boy he recognized from ABA and even responded to a fist bump. He also said bye without prompting. Maybe he's growing socially. 

I did write a poem today: "Cleaning," which may become part of the collection of poems I'm writing about raising Oliver.

Day 2: I had a hard time going to sleep last night, but I did read more. So far, my favorite story in the book is "The Beast" by Tanith Lee--kind of a mix of Beauty and the Beast and Bluebeard. It's always fun to read Joyce Carol Oates stories in anthologies like this. She does it all. I read her journals years ago as research for the seminar I taught during my MFA graduating residency. Her stories are much darker than the thoughts she records! I'd like to read more journals. I've always meant to read May Sarton's journals. The best book I've read about journaling is The Hidden Writer by Alexandra Johnson. I should read it again.

This morning, I'm looking at the art of Christian Schloe. I have a couple of her prints; I'd have more if I had wall space! She's my newest favorite artist. Other favorites are Kinuko Y. Craft, Amy Brown, Mary Blair, Stephen Mackey, Molly Harrison, and SARK. And I do still love Lisa Frank.

I've read fourteen books this year. I'd like to be further along, but it's okay; I'm still three books ahead of schedule according to Goodreads. This is my seventh week without spending frivolous money. This week, Josh and I will celebrate Valentine's Day and our fifteenth wedding anniversary. One of his classes won't meet on Monday (Valentine's), so we may get to spend the whole school day together. We'll spend the morning of our anniversary together too. I've given him a couple of presents, including a map-drawing activity set and a doodle book by the Strange Planet artist. Josh showed me some of his drawings this morning. He's another of my favorite artists. 

Today, I finished reading A Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys. I started reading Many Waters but switched to Peter Pan and Wendy, which I want to read before my winter children's lit focus ends.

Day 3: Valentine's Day. Josh and I don't usually celebrate the holiday since our wedding anniversary is just a couple of days later. But this year, Josh took part of the day off so we could spend time together while Oliver was at school. Josh also gave me the beautiful BENU Wild Rose fountain pen (and some sparkly pink ink)!

The pen is matte light pink and translucent hot pink with fine gold glitter, gold glitter leaf, and red glitter hearts. It's the prettiest pen I have.

Sparkling ink doesn't work out in most fountain pens, so I gave my new pen a Levenger ink cartridge: Shiraz, a burgundy ink that Levenger no longer makes.

I also received a special package today from one of my closest childhood friends, Leah. She sent Prisma Color pencils and a bunch of pens from my NoBuy2022 list! Gifts that support my writing are especially meaningful to me. A friend from Borders also sent me some pens a couple of months ago to get me started on writing through this NoBuy year. 

In case you're wondering, these are Prisma Color Scholar pencils (a less expensive version), Pentel Krazy Pops, Crayola Take Note iridescents, Gelly Roll Stardusts, and Whaline Outliners. 

Day 4: Today was not a good day. I hope tomorrow is better. It looks like Oliver will not get aid for next year, so we'll have to make some difficult decisions. Apparently we were supposed to have Valentines for the whole school yesterday, but I never received the E-mail about it. I've been missing weekly E-mails. It seems to be a big deal (we got shamed this morning), so I wrote an apology to the principal and Oliver's teacher. I'll be making late Valentines tomorrow. I also got busted for the way I pick up Oliver, so I just can't do anything right. After two weeks of E-mailing NCSEAA and an afternoon on the phone with three different people, I'm no closer to getting Oliver financial aid for next year. 

I did finally finish and return Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears. I found some new authors to read, and I may read more of the anthology series (this is book 3). I started Daphne du Maurier's The Loving Spirit, but I haven't gotten far. Stories for the magazine are coming in quickly; I read three today, and I still have three left. I took a peach marshmallow bubble bath.

Day 5: Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. Josh picked up a cinnamon roll and a Dr. Pepper from McDonalds. He gave me a blue rhinestone and faux pearl lock and key necklace. For lunch, I made whole wheat pasta with asparagus, sweet peppers, and Alfredo sauce.

I made the Valentines--I cut out and wrote on 36 cardstock hearts, helped Oliver stamp his name on each, and attached Starbursts. I also wrote to Oliver's teachers, and Josh picked up Starbucks gift cards. And I ordered some items on the teacher's classroom wish list. And I picked Oliver up correctly today. But I have a feeling it's not adequate. Josh says I get fatalistic when I'm overwrought. I received no response to my apology. I'm not in a much better mood than I was yesterday; this is likely to be depressed day #2. I wish I felt better on this special day. 

Also, my TWSBI stub nib clogged with Electric Pink ink, so I had to drain and flush it. All the other Diamine inks have been fine; I don't know what's different about this one. Now, I'm trying Pink Glitz ink.

After two more calls to NCSEAA, I may have gotten the help I need. We'll see if he's awarded. 

I have those three magazine stories to read today, so I'm not going to get far with my other books. It's 4:14 p.m., and I'm ready to go to bed. I won't have time with Josh tomorrow. 

Day 6: I got some early morning cuddles with Josh before Oliver woke up, so the day started well. I read two more magazine stories last night, and I have two left to read today. 

I've been writing with a Crayola Take Note teal-with-blue-glitter pen (from Leah) and a green/blue glitter Sparkle Pop pen. I drained them both. I finally caught up with the magazine stories! That's always a good feeling. Today has turned out to be hopeful. I've read a chunk of The Daily Mirror and the first chapter of Locke & Key 4.

I figured out that the school entered my E-mail address with a typo, so somebody got those letters, but I didn't. I gave them my simpler address. I hope the word spreads. Oliver has great freckles, but everyone knows that.

Day 7: Today, I've already drained a Crayola Take Note iridescent pen--hot pink with light pink glitter--from the package Leah sent me. 

Now, I'm writing with a Gelly Roll Stardust Rose Star pen. I've been cleaning, something that I don't do as often as I should (Josh is more attached to neatness than I am). I finished listening to the London cast album of the musical Amelie while I cleaned the bathroom. Now, I have laundry going, and I'm making some semblance of order with my chair/ottoman nest--books, pens, magazines, notebooks.... I repurposed a rubbery blue bucket as a catch-all for Oliver's school supplies: crayons, markers, daubers, scissors, glue, pencils, and name stamp. Now, everything is put away in a cabinet but will be easy to take out for virtual weeks.

I think I may be on the way up. I was cleaning a door earlier, which usually only happens when I'm manic. But it's a happy up so far--not an anxious or irritable up. I hope it will stay that way. Sometimes, I get manic when I have something coming up, like a challenge or a social event. It's like my brain is trying to prepare and strengthen me...it just doesn't always work out well. But mania has allowed me to do a lot of great things that I might never have done otherwise. I remember writing a proposal for a science fiction class while in the white heat of mania. My medications really keep it in check most of the time, but I definitely still have mood cycles. 

I wrote a poem today! It's called "My Glinda," and it's for Bruce. As I'm reading David Lehman, I want to write more poems that are contemporary and specific with allusions. I wish I could write poems about New York City as he does. I'd have to spend some more time there, which I do hope I'll be able to do. If I had unlimited funds, I'd certainly want to live there for a year. I'd go to the theatre weekly instead of monthly (and monthly still feels pretty amazing). I did write in a slim Paperblanks journal while I was there. I'll always cherish the memories of that trip, which my parents and stepparents made possible. And of course, Josh was my perfect traveling companion. 

I told Josh that my wallet was starting to fall apart after several years, so he ordered me a new wallet! It came today, and it's perfect!

Theatre! Cats! This is from Vendula London. Josh transferred the little key charm that he's put on each of my wallets. It came from a wallet my mom gave me a couple of decades ago. I've gotten so many presents this week! I'm currently working on my mom's birthday present for next month.

I just wrote another poem called "Sheen." David Lehman includes so many specific people, songs, streets, and more in his poems, so I played with that.

We ordered Carrabbas for dinner, with enough leftover for tomorrow. We're celebrating a special week, and I'm in my best mood. I had a chicken Caesar salad--their Caesars are so good. Josh had spaghetti and Italian salad. We had to save most of the bread for later. Oliver was not interested; he prefers Pizza CheezIts and bananafers (vanilla wafers). We stopped fighting him on food once he was out of a belted booster seat at the table. It's no longer easy to trap him with pre-selected food in front of him. Discipline is different when your child doesn't really understand cause and consequence.

I did finish The Daily Mirror! And I wrote yet another poem, this one called "Vacation." I'm pretty close to being caught up now on writing daily poems. I'm going to call this day joyful. It could also be passionate, but joyful is rarer. 

"Mixing Paints on Dinner Plates."

--Jennifer McMahon, Dismantled

This book was thrilling and confusing, but the memory of this image is clear. This moment in the book captured, for me, an important skill that an artist (and I include writers in this, as well as many other artists that I know too little about) must have or develop. These girls managed to get the paint but apparently couldn't afford or justify wooden palettes. Yet the palette is such a strong image representing the artist, perhaps as much so as the easel. But artists are also, supposedly, resourceful, irreverent, and unpredictable. I also notice the symbolism in the objects, intentionally or unintentionally stating that basic human needs (like food) are inferior to the demands of art.

Writing is different in that it doesn't require the same kind of physical labor (okay, that's up for debate), and the tools are simpler. For scribbling (writing practice), I just need a notebook and a couple of pens. I upgrade those supplies because I prefer hardcover journals and a rainbow of pens in many forms. When I want to do product writing (a poem, a story), I go to the laptop, which most writers have or have access to.

But this mixing paints on dinner plates is an image that still grabs me. I like to search for common threads among all kinds of artists.

My Favorite Artists Part II.

I have a few more favorites.

Josephine Wall--I first saw her work on a big poster above my friend's purple couch. People have bought me journals and little books with her art, not even realizing she's a favorite. But I like that people link her work to me. It is so gorgeous. So many stories can be hidden in one painting. The details, the shadows, the light, feathers, moons, keys, fairies, and goddesses...I could stare for days. Luckily, she made a book, and I bought it years ago.

How can one not love Mary Engelbreit? She was features in an issue of the American Girl magazine. She talked about how her mother kept a jar full of pencils on the table and how she cleaned out a linen closet to make Mary a tiny studio. I think my grandmother liked her too, so I was a fan as a child. ME's art often includes plump little kids, girls with attitude, literacy encouragement, and delightful layers of clothes and home decor. I subscribed to her magazine, Home Companion, until it disappeared. I have a few books of her work though.

Mary Blair is a relatively new interest for me. Watching behind-the-scenes for a Disney movie, I learned that Blair had done so much concept art work for Disney movies. I have a Cinderella book with her strange, dream-like illustrations. My in-laws gave me a book of her art. I need to spend more time looking at my art books.

Cicely Mary Barker was in my life far back. I think maybe my grandparents gave me a book of her flower fairies. Barker drew fairies that looked like children and wore clothes made of their flowers or trees. My favorites were the Willow Fairy and the Fuchsia Fairy. I tried to determine which fairy looked most like me or my friends. Those flower fairies awakened my love of fairies long before I know any of these other artists. Oh! And every fairy had his or her own poem. So CMB also brought poetry to me.