Nourish/Challenge: Week 21.

This past week has been a little chaotic. I had an internal ultrasound because of something the doctor encountered during an exam. I was anxious and rightly so: it hurt. But everything came back normal; the PA called to tell me the next day. I'm still waiting on another set of test results, but I feel like I can shape my days without thinking about it. It's a challenge.

I've been sick on and off, as if I'm constantly fighting something. More disturbing is my continued struggles with reading and writing. I've neglected my blogs as well. I'm trying to get back into my practices. They are vital to my health and to my sense of myself.

I decided to give tea another chance after my experience at the Biltmore. I found apple cinnamon spice. It's pretty good! It makes me feel writerly. Maybe that's what I need--feeling like a writer makes the practice smoother.

On Sunday, I returned to my bathtub-side poetry books. I want to revive that practice.

I hate doing it, but I cut my nails short and painted them glitter pink. I feel happy when I notice.

On Facebook, I copied a call for kind words. My brother said that I'm beautiful, wise, and funny and that I have good taste. What great compliments! I'd tack it on the wall if Oliver wouldn't immediately tear it down. I'm happy to know how James sees me.

Bruce and I went to the penultimate show of the season: Hello, Dolly. It was great fun as I expected. A group of older women came up to us (this was the third time) to appreciate my outfit and tell me I look gorgeous. A surplus of compliments! Normally, I run pretty well on daily compliments from Josh and Bruce. I'll try to keep all the kind words close to my heart. They nourish me. They also challenge me to live up to what the best people think of me.

Restoration: Week 6.

A small but restorative moment: I asked Oliver whom he loved, and he said, "I love Mama." His teacher had told me that he'd answered that question that way at school. I felt my dried-out heart welling up.

Josh and I went to his college to use the gym. Our gym is under renovations. I got on the treadmill and walked for 45 minutes while reading a literary suspense novel (The Perfect Girl) on my phone. I hope to restore my physical health, get closer to my goal weight, and perhaps restore or at least protect my mental health. Josh and I will go to the gym twice a week, and I'll walk with Bruce once a week. I did discover that I've lost another 5 pounds!

I finished two books this past week. I feel much more...nourished now that I am reading regularly again. It restores to me such an important part of myself. And I'm ahead on my GoodReads goal for the year.

I watched a movie called Crimson Peak. It was one of my favorite kinds of movies: psychological thriller with a bit of horror. One of my restoration goals is to watch a movie each week. I have always loved movies.

This coming week, I want to be more curious.

Restoration: Week 2.

I've continued reading poetry in the bath. It feels natural now. I finished Mental by Jaime Lowe, so I've learned more about BSD and finished my first book of the year. I want to pick up the reading pace. I've started French Women Don't Get Fat. I'd like to read two books this week to get to one book per week.

Josh and I will have one long morning and a couple of short mornings alone together. We can talk and nap and kiss.

I went for a walk with Bruce and also did some exercises at home. Still, I haven't done much to restore my old weight.

I've begun a higher dose of Prozac to help restore my mental health after a crying breakdown. I believe the higher dose will help.

I felt beautiful in silver glitter eye makeup.

I restored my desire to scribble after going to Staples with Bruce. The store now has far more notebooks, stickers, and writing tools.

I'm restoring and strengthening my faith by continuing to read the Bible. I haven't had much trouble keeping up. Finally reading this sacred text is exciting.

I looked at a Pottery Barn Teen catalog and imagined beautiful rooms, restoring my sense of the lovely.

This coming week, I want to stay curious. I want to read with discipline and devotion. I want to watch at least one movie. I want to enjoy children's books. I want to look at photos of Oliver as a baby. I want to restore other relationships. I want to learn about something. I want to find new ways to restore my mind and my heart.

Bright, Whole, and Engaged.

These words came to me somehow, maybe through a book or maybe just something that my mind had been churning like sea glass.

Bright, Whole, Engaged. This is how I want to approach the world, my close relationships, my creative work, and myself.

I know that when I'm overwhelmed, overstimulated, or just fried, my lights dim. I'm looking out through a fog. Or I'm trapped in the fog. But I want to be bright--alert, clever, attentive.

Often, though less so lately, I don't feel whole. It's as if some experiences have burned, hacked, or drowned away some of me. But I heal continuously. I'm on the way to whole.

Engaging is something I often avoid. But maybe a little more engagement would help me be whole, bright.

These are words to keep in my pocket and discover over and over.

My 30s.

Growing up, I thought a lot about my 20s. I thought that would be the best decade of my life--youth and freedom, creativity, love. Those did come, but so did more pain and difficulty than I could have imagined. Just before my birthday (yesterday), I realized that I'd never really thought about my 30s. So here are some thoughts.

• I want my 30s to be financially stable, even if we don't have much to spend on extras. 
• I want my 30s to be a well-read decade. I'd love to read 50 books each year and come out with 500 more books.
• I want to be creatively productive--25 or more journals. Collages. Design books (albums in which I paste photos, mostly of inspiring rooms), expressive makeup.
• I'd like to get back to writing letters and see how it feels to have more friends, at least on paper.
• I want to follow all my treatments well and learn more about them.
• I want to be an engaged mother and introduce Oliver to fantasy, science fiction, theatre, art....
• I want to be deeply connected to the theatre too.
• I want to keep my closest connections and build on them. 
• I want to travel at least a little.
• I want to be thinner and more fit.
• I want to maintain my blogs at least somewhat.
• I want to stay connected to myself.

Forgetting.

When I was driving home today, I was thinking about some music I'd like to hear. After a few minutes, I realized that I have an iPod, and it's in my car. I had completely forgotten this. I think I'd forgotten it for almost four weeks. What else have I forgotten?

On Monday, a coworker came into my office a few hours after seeing me in the hall. She said, "Are you okay? I got scared when I saw you. You looked more than tired. You looked fragile." 

Fragile does describe how I feel. I also feel insubstantial, uncertain, and a little bit threatened. On the way home, I saw a series of huge fir trees that seemed to be missing their back halves--branches, green, roots. I felt a connection with them. I seem to have lost half my essential energy, half my securities, half my ideas about what's important, half my brain power, half my normalcy.

The electricity went out briefly today, so my alarm clock has been blinking blue, and I haven't known the time. This has made me unusually uncomfortable. Work has a strong and unfamiliar smell now...something like pickles and pepper. I smell different too.

Josh and I were trying to nap, and I whispered, "I don't feel real." He asked what I meant, and I didn't know.

How much of this is postpartum changes, and how much is what happened? To what degree have I become a different person, and how long will I take to either go back or to become comfortable with the new self?

Yums.

 (Image: http://weheartit.com/entry/8714507)

A few nights ago, we ate Uncle Ben's chicken-flavored broccoli rice with a giant steamer bag of broccoli, some sliced almonds, and a bit of cheese mixed in. Mmmm. I've realized that slice almonds are pretty awesome in lots of meals. I'm glad Josh is okay with chicken stock or flavoring; it gives me a lot more options and means that I actually eat some meatless meals too. I usually throw in some boiled egg or nuts for protein.

I've been craving various fruits during this pregnancy. First, I was all about oranges. Then, I was into grapes. Lately, I've wanted strawberries. I like the five-a-day fruits and vegetables push, and I'm working on adding more into my daily diet. I think this is important for Oliver before he's born, while he's nursing, and even after that (I want to be a good example!). I do love broccoli, asparagus, and green beans despite the fact that I'm a picky eater. I'm not crazy about spinach, but I've been mixing canned leaves into some meals. Goat cheese is especially good at masking the strong taste.

 (Image: http://prettyforonce.tumblr.com/post/4734515768)

I haven't had many consistent cravings, but I tend to go with the sudden ones. Luckily, the fast food craving was a short-lived, first trimester thing, and I've eaten little fast food since. I did start craving more sweets when Oliver started working on his fat stores. I'm lucky that I've had a lot of healthy cravings too, like fruits, veggies, and rice. I have wanted tons of guacamole! I feel pretty good about the weight I've gained so far even though I'll probably gain a bit more than my doctor recommended. I've mostly been focused on listening to my body and not eating foods or amounts of food that make me feel crummy. This seems like a good guideline all around.

I also know what I like. I have my Dr. Pepper and my Nutty Bars. I have this snack once a day (boy, sometimes I could really go for a second round, but I don't). I'll have other treats sometimes when I really want them. But I'm pretty good about just passing on something that isn't totally worth it to me. I'll crave something and buy it, I'll eat it a once or twice, and then Josh ends up slowly finishing it (Nutty Buddies, Reeses Klondike bars...). That boy can eat anything, and he's so skinny. Eventually, I'll probably get over the Nutty Bars. When something ceases to be totally amazing, I stop eating it. For now, though, nobody better touch my bars!

 (Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kahluacream/1825755345/. I'm pretty sure it is too good to be true, but the ad is lovely.)

I have never consumed so much water in my life! I start to feel desperately thirsty within twenty minutes of my last gulp. I normally just use a Brita filter pitcher, but I've been buying bottled water for ease, portability, and speed. I can't even go to the grocery store without a water bottle. I'm sure all this water-drinking has been helping me stay healthy and feeling relatively well most of the time. I'm hoping that the habit will continue after the desperate need subsides, though I do want to stop buying water bottles (I know there are a million reasons for this, not the least of which is the amount of space the cases take up in my fridge!).

My main health goals are to 1) feel good and 2) fit into my clothes. Of course, the latter doesn't apply right now. I want to have a balanced relationship with food (be smart about it most of the time and enjoy it!), and I want to model that for Oliver. I like to be healthy without stressing over it (especially now), and I'm trying to build that into my life. How do you do it?

 (Image: http://sweetpinklips.tumblr.com/)